Today, I had dinner with my girlfriend of five months along with... - FML

By moresexperience - 11/9/2009 12:26 - United States

Today, I had dinner with my girlfriend of five months along with my mom and dad. Everything was going fine until my mom asked aloud "Everything going smooth for you in the bedroom?" to which my girlfriend replied "No." I was painting the master bedroom at my parent's house for some extra cash. FML

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Headache

Car Wars

Billy no-mates

By Ggirl - 1/10/2013 19:41 - United States - Camarillo

Today, my boyfriend called me a selfish bitch and dumped me after I told him I'm planning on getting much-needed breast reduction surgery. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2010 05:21 - Canada

Today, while eating dinner with my family, I found out my boyfriend recorded me screaming while having sex with him on my phone, and set it as my ring tone on high volume. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2016 15:24 - United States - Coshocton

Today, my mom grabbed my phone, said she was taking it because I'd been disrespectful, and hung up my call. I'd been speaking with a work client. This is the gratitude I get for paying all her bills for the past 2 years, all because she's too lazy to get a job. FML

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By fatguyinalittlecoat - 8/12/2009 19:09 - United States

Today, I was on a stationary bike at the gym. I got into a conversation with a very attractive female gym-friend. I felt something cool "down below". I looked down and saw one of my testicles had sneaked out of a hole in my shorts, I quickly looked up only to see her staring at the same thing. FML

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By sleepylillion - 25/4/2016 05:07 - United States - Eleele

Today, I woke up to the sound of my boyfriend chuckling to himself. Turns out he had just clogged the toilet. When he called maintenance, halfway through explaining the problem he started hysterically giggling and had to hang up mid-sentence. This has been a reoccurring theme. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2020 11:01 - Canada

Smoked

Today, I washed my clothes in the shared laundry room. All my clothes came out smelling like smoke. FML

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By yeah why not - 6/4/2013 17:06 - Norway

Today, my dad had a little too much to drink. When he's that drunk, he likes to pepper me with a lot of random questions. He asked if I've ever tried hard drugs, and if I want to die. I answered no to both of the questions, and he demanded to know why not. FML

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By lanikai610 - 26/10/2011 18:35 - United States

Today, there was no toilet paper left, so I asked my grandmother if I could use her Kleenex tissues. I found out too late that they were Vicks vapor rub tissues. My crotch has been burning for the last half hour. FML

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By Idiot - 22/2/2017 04:00 - United States - Anchorage

Today, while working at the bar, I had a beautiful woman squeeze my bicep and tell me I was in amazing shape. Instead of flirting like any normal human being, I awkwardly said, "Thanks…" and then walked away in shame. FML

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By Beepbeepbeep - 1/9/2011 02:50 - United States

Today, I lost power. That didn't stop my house alarm from running on battery, loudly informing me in a British accent, "AC power disconnected. BEEP. AC power disconnected. BEEP." It's been going on for 5 hours and the battery takes a special screwdriver to remove. One we don't have. FML

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By single - 10/11/2010 02:10 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have sex for the first time. He got on the bed on all fours and crawled towards me, saying "My precious... my precious" in Gollum's voice. FML

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By Maggie - 17/3/2020 17:00

Nice mental image

Today, I had no choice but to unclog a toilet with my bare hands. FML

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By InDeepBlue - 10/9/2019 06:00

Today, I took the bus home from work for the first time in my life. It was pretty crowded, so I immediately sat in an empty seat. Then, I felt something wet. It was puke. A lot of it, in fact. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2014 00:51 - United States - Bloomington

Today, my mother locked me out of the house. Why? The dog and her needed some time to talk. FML

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By parishiltonsbff - 4/2/2009 00:11 - United States

Today, I realized that I know more about Paris Hilton's cervix than how my government is run. FML

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By strayy - 30/9/2015 06:47 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my mother told me I should volunteer in Africa, because I might "get lucky, catch malaria and come back skinny". FML

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By ineedsleep - 30/10/2014 14:15 - Finland - J?rvenp

Today, I found out that there's a very loud and frisky couple living above my bedroom, and a family with a crying baby living above my living room. At this rate, I'll end up sleeping in the bathtub in my own home. FML

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By "Brain_fart" - 18/9/2017 05:00 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I found out that both of my cats are afraid of mice. So far I've seen them run and hide from 3 different mice who've recently invaded my apartment. FML

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By soawkward - 26/1/2012 19:09 - Canada

Today, I passed out in the shower with my boyfriend. He just left me there. FML

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By despacito - 28/8/2018 23:30

Today, my brother stole my hard drive and wiped it. My hard drive had a 10-page school project on it. The project is due tomorrow. FML

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By Unloved. - 15/9/2009 10:09 - New Zealand

Today, I had dinner with my family in celebration of my 19th Birthday. I've been hinting that I need a new laptop for months now and I was sure my family had bought me one. I have got a pair of slipper socks. FML

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By cold - 15/2/2017 10:00 - United States - Phoenix

Gasp

Today, I canceled all my plans because my boyfriend wanted to go on a date. He didn't mean with me. FML

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By idk - 4/9/2015 14:15 - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Today, I was getting ready to go out with my family. As I was putting my phone in my purse, my father told me I wouldn't need it because we were going to spend 'quality time' together. The entire time I was there, everyone was staring at their phone. I was the only one without one. FML

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By hatemyboss - 3/11/2011 16:13 - Canada

Today, I gave my boss a nick name. Everyone thought it was funny. Unfortunately "The Troll" was behind me and heard everything. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2016 17:27 - Austria - Vienna

Today, a drunk woman kicked me in the balls for not buying her another drink. That's the closest thing to intimacy I've ever experienced. FML

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By pasha - 16/5/2015 00:51 - Canada - Beamsville

Today, my overly-clean mum decided to drop by and surprise me by cleaning my house while I was out jogging. She used half a bottle of bleach, and now it hurts to blink, let alone breathe. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2015 10:03 - United States - Norwalk

Today, I was house-sitting for my friend. He was late to return and I ended up falling asleep on the couch and having a dream where I violently shat myself and suddenly developed a six-pack. When I woke up, I found the dream was half true. FML

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By Lifeguard - 4/4/2009 19:03 - United States

Today, I was fired because a patron complained that she didn't like the way I kept staring at her kids. I was a lifeguard. FML

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By MyHeadHurts - 20/1/2012 10:42 - Ireland

Today, I got bored looking at porn. FML

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By TJ AJ RJ / IV the V - 21/11/2014 06:11 - United States - San Diego

Today, my boss flipped me off in traffic on my way to work. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2013 04:44 - Chile - Santiago

Today, I opened up to my parents about my depression. Their response was to have a very heated discussion about whose fault it was. FML

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By Oh no - 13/10/2018 03:00

Today, I went searching for my old school laptop only to find that my stepdad had swiped it and given it to his mother. My sex tapes and nudes are on it. FML

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By anon - 20/12/2016 23:57 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, after taking a guy home and getting frisky, he woke up in the middle of the night, got out of bed, and peed on my desk. That's 2 years of uni work and my laptop soaked through. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2013 05:33 - United States - Romulus

Today, I found out that the messages about the issues in my sex life that I'd been sending to my best friend had been sent to my mother via iMessage. She's coming over for dinner tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2013 13:43 - United States - Romulus

Today, in calculus, our substitute teacher told me I was smart. Everybody in the class, including my friends, burst out laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2012 17:42 - United States - Seattle

Today, while waiting for a bus, someone started smoking at the bus shelter, which is illegal in my city. I politely asked him to stop smoking, citing the city ordinance. He just cackled and said that if I'm so concerned about the state of my health, I should start by losing 90 pounds. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/2/2015 23:32 - United States - Herndon

Today, I got a letter in the mail telling me to report for jury duty. The day that I have to show up is the day of my wedding. FML

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By Bubba - 23/9/2009 20:48 - United States

Today, I bought a fish bowl and a fish for $15. I brought him home and sat him on my desk. Everything was going well until the shelf gave out and his bowl slid off of the shelf... onto my $2,000 computer. The computer is fried and is not covered by the insurance, the fish is fine. FML

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By Noname - 25/2/2009 23:56 - United States

Today, I was on a subway with my boyfriend and it was stopping so I grabbed the pole for support. I felt another hand grabbing onto the pole knowing it was my boyfriend's. Without looking I carressed and tickled his hand. I turned around to smile at my boyfriend. The hand wasn't his. FML

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By OhGodWhy - 29/12/2016 23:30 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I caught my coworker masturbating in the bathroom. This was during her shift, while I was mopping the bathroom floors. FML

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Top comments

By boone_fml | 0

#556178 - Friday 11 September 2009 19:54

Try communicating with your girlfriend about how you can take her to the bone zone. It doesn't matter what your mom was talking about. If she's not happy she's not happy.

By llllllllllllllll_fml | 0

#556279 - Friday 11 September 2009 20:31

she is dumb. who would answer that question?

COMMENTS

By Rokurota | 0

#556173 - Friday 11 September 2009 19:53

heh

Reply

pugpuggy | 21

#6125532 - Saturday 22 November 2014 23:20

Heh heh

Reply

foxyhasmybooty | 16

#6134290 - Thursday 4 December 2014 1:25

Heh heh heh

By boone_fml | 0

#556178 - Friday 11 September 2009 19:54

Try communicating with your girlfriend about how you can take her to the bone zone. It doesn't matter what your mom was talking about. If she's not happy she's not happy.

Reply

jts2 | 3

#556198 - Friday 11 September 2009 20:01

This.

Reply

canucksrule88 | 0

#556436 - Friday 11 September 2009 21:38

Wins.

Reply

Casualt1234 | 0

#556443 - Friday 11 September 2009 21:41

Balls.

Reply

DameGreyWulf | 0

#556457 - Friday 11 September 2009 21:48

Indeed.

Reply

Rouge_Plague | 0

#557330 - Saturday 12 September 2009 3:58

POTATOES!

Reply

hippo23 | 0

#1020673 - Saturday 5 June 2010 17:41

I don't get this one...

Reply

Zesty697 | 0

#1954928 - Tuesday 11 January 2011 13:32

fuck you

Reply

katiedoll6 | 7

#4383640 - Thursday 3 May 2012 0:13

Are

By well_this_sucks | 0

#556201 - Friday 11 September 2009 20:02

haha you both fail.

By playfuldesk | 0

#556244 - Friday 11 September 2009 20:17

Haha wow

Reply

Gia0896 | 0

#558729 - Saturday 12 September 2009 22:02

What the freak, i dont get this FML

Reply

foxyhasmybooty | 16

#6134291 - Thursday 4 December 2014 1:26

The mom was talking to her son about the painting his gf thought she was asking about them havering sex in the bedroom and if she was enjoying it or not to which the gf replied no

By mj2123 | 0

#556256 - Friday 11 September 2009 20:21

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By bosshaug | 0

#556262 - Friday 11 September 2009 20:23

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By Jagoda_rox69 | 0

#556277 - Friday 11 September 2009 20:30

I still don't understand!

Reply

redbluegreen | 40

#556293 - Friday 11 September 2009 20:36

The OP brought his girlfriend over to meet his parents for dinner, and in that time, the OP I guess painted his parents bedroom for some cash. His mom asked how he was doing with painting the room, but how she phrased it [not meant it], has a double meaning, which includes the OP's sexual relationship with his girlfriend. The girlfriend replied for him, 'No'.

Is anyone still confused?

Reply

canucksrule88 | 0

#556439 - Friday 11 September 2009 21:39

hahaha thanks for explaining it for us some people are a bit slow i guess :P

By llllllllllllllll_fml | 0

#556279 - Friday 11 September 2009 20:31

she is dumb. who would answer that question?

Reply

canucksrule88 | 0

#556466 - Friday 11 September 2009 21:53

she would answer that question...clearly...some people just speak without thinking

Reply

looserdevars | 1

#1028293 - Saturday 12 June 2010 0:44

maybe some people are too thick to realize when to shutup.

By divaboots | 8

#556288 - Friday 11 September 2009 20:34

lmao xD

By xCrackerx | 3

#556291 - Friday 11 September 2009 20:35

YDI for sucking in bed.