By speechless - Canada

Gummy

Today, I had a toothache and applied some numbing gel to soothe the pain. Too much came out and made my whole mouth numb. A man came into my work, thought I was making fun of his lisp, and stormed out really upset. He later called to complain about me. The boss just called me to his office. FML

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Understandable

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

I'm a mess

By kippis05 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were waiting for the bus. The weather had been cold and snowy recently, and I realized I'd forgotten my transit card. She nonetheless got on the bus without me. I had to walk it alone in the snow. FML

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By defectivesuperhero

Today, I couldn't get my car hood to open to check the fluids. A few miles down the highway, though, it popped right open. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/4/2021 23:30 - United Kingdom

Business is business

Today, my lawyer lied to me about how much of a settlement she won for my workplace accident. I got £20,000, but she lied and kept £55,000 for herself. My lawyer is my wife, and she claims she’s entitled to that money since she’s the one who’s really suffered caring for me during my recovery. FML

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By vomitingnow - United States

Today, I had a fight with my little sister. Later she apologized and made me dinner to make up for it. I thought it was pretty good until I found out that instead of using Parmesan cheese in the recipe, she used foot shavings from her Ped Egg. FML

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By slaughterteddy - United States

Today, I spent two hours trying to catch a urine sample whilst at urgent care due to my inability to pee in public restrooms. I finally managed one, and was so excited by my success that I fumbled it and spilled it on my pants. FML

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By Kathleen Michelle Cooper

Today, I found out I'm pregnant with my second child. This wouldn't be so bad if my son wasn't only 10 months old and my partner, the father of my children, hadn't been secretly seeing his ex wife. FML

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By viviham - United States - Spring Branch

Today, I was working at the local liquor store. An obviously drunk girl stumbles in, grabs two cases of beer and puts them on the counter. Then she grabs a pregnancy test, pees on it right there, shows me, and says, "I'm not pregnant, I want beer." FML

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By asdfghjkl_12 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend owns and wears more thongs than I do. FML

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By proudestmonkey - United States

Today, I had my car stolen. When the police found it, pretty much everything inside was missing. For some reason, I had left 6 pairs of shoes in my back seat. Whoever stole my car thought it would be funny to take one shoe from each pair. I now own 6 unmatched shoes and my car smells like sex. FML

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By Frouse

Today, after getting home from work late last night and feeling lazy, I'd put my leftover dinner in the microwave, spoon and all. I wake up to find one of the kids started the microwave and it blew up because of the metal spoon. FML

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By wishbone - Canada

Today, a cute boy told me I looked like a celebrity. Flattered, I asked who I resembled. He responded by saying that I looked exactly like Ugly Betty. He was serious. FML

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By Nicole557 - United States

Today, after a year and a half, I finally admitted to myself that I'm in an abusive relationship. Not with a person though, with my cat. FML

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By BurntBroken

Today, when I realized I'd forgot rice on the stove, I jumped off my chair and pulled off my headphones really fast. Now I've got burnt rice and broken headphones. FML

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By Ugh - United States - Washington

Today, I locked myself out of my apartment. I've just realized that I could have spent $30 on an Uber or Lyft to my parents' place to grab the other set of keys instead of calling a locksmith and paying $280 for him to drill a hole through my doorknob, rendering all my keys useless. FML

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By nickcedola40 - United States - Palm Harbor

Today, I was on a scavenger hunt. One of the things on the list was to ask a stranger to marry them. I saw an old lady in a wheel chair; I tried to make her day by asking her to marry me. She declined and attempted to run me over with her wheel chair. FML

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By PetitPrincePerdu - United States

Today, I found my mother wandering the halls of my fraternity unescorted and asked why she was here, she told me she was concerned when I didn't pick up my phone for two days. She then informed me that she had also moved to the same city I live in. My mother moved over 600 miles to stalk me. FML

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By Anonymous - Europe

Today, my dad went through all the trouble of sneaking onto my laptop and photoshopping a bong into my Facebook profile picture, apparently just so he could win a €20 bet with my mom, that hinged on her grounding me by December. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

FML: Uncensored

Today, while spending the night at a friend's house, I was woken up by someone kicking me. I figured she was having a nightmare, and since we were sharing a bed, I reached over to wake her up. Turns out it was her boyfriend trying to push me off the bed because they were having sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2020 22:01 - Australia - Traralgon

Best gift ever

Today, my toddler handed me a present and told me to keep it forever. It was a piece of dog poo. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I asked a very cute fireman for his number "just in case I needed him to come to my rescue"... He told me "Yeah sure!" and scribbled it down. After he walked away I read his note: "911". FML

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By KTK - United States

Today, I realized the annoying squealing I hear every night isn't my guinea pig. Apparently my brothers girlfriend makes that sound when they have sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/2/2021 20:01

At last

Today, on the third of February, my mom finally relented and let us take the Christmas decorations down. FML

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By mylifesucks22 - United States

Today, I woke up from an amazing dream. I dreamt that I got a promotion at work and doubled my income, the dream was so great that I tried so hard not to wake up. When I did wake up it was 10 o'clock, two hours late for work I noticed I had a voicemail from my boss. I was fired for being late. FML

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By microtech - United States

Today, at the microbiology lab, I discovered that the guy who took the shift before me didn't sterilize the work space very well. I am now blowing chunks from both ends from a very nasty strain of E. Coli. My company blames me. FML

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By GetOutOfMyHouseLoser - United States

Today, my unemployed scumbag boyfriend sold a painting I had just bought so he could buy phoney drugs that he told me he had quit. FML

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By lance - Canada

Today, I parked my car to go inside to grab my wallet than I'd forgotten. In the short time it took me to do that, someone broke two of my car's windows. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, I was jogging, and I saw a little boy walking. Crying and all alone. Thinking that he was probably lost, I asked to him with my sweetest voice: 'Hi there, did you lose somebody?' He screamed terrified and ran away. This is the second time this has happened to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Farnborough

Today, my brother accused me of faking my bipolar disorder for attention, all because I don't act the same as the bipolar girl in some TV show he watches. FML

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By imnotTHATlonely - United States

Today, two of my cousins sat me down and said they wanted to give me an early Birthday present. With straight faces, they look at me and say: "we signed you up for eHarmony, and paid for 12 months." Not only do my cousins think I need help finding a boyfriend, but they think it take a year. FML

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By Melaknee - United States

Today, I saw an attractive man outside the club I was trying to get into to. We talked, and ended up having sex in my apartment. The next day when I was dropping him off, I discovered he was homeless and was outside the club begging for money. My house is suddenly out of bread and cheese. FML

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By Blondie - United States

Today, I got a phone call from a detective in response to my stolen car that has been missing since St. Patrick's Day. He told me that he had found my car, but was chuckling the whole time. Turns out, I had parked my car in a different lot. I haven't had it for a week. It was never stolen. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally got my yearbook for senior year in high school. I started what everyone does, which is count how many times I appear in the yearbook. I stopped when I found a prominent photo of me, picking my nose in class. FML

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By memoryloss - United States

Today, I went to the doctor for a check up, having had a head injury a week ago and suffering some memory loss. Turns out, the medicine he gave me for my head has memory loss as a side effect. He then said "I told you. Don't you remember?" After I said no he said "I figured." and giggled. FML

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By fukinnature

Today, I was feeling stressed about some upcoming exams, so I went on a nice relaxing nature walk through the nearby bushland. I slipped off a rock and landed in knee-deep mud that claimed my shoe when I pulled my leg free. I'm even more stressed now. FML

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By selfdefense - United Kingdom

Today, a customer at work became violent and started hitting me and my coworker. Not wanting him to get the shit beat out of us, I used a move that pinned the guy on the ground. The police came and he was arrested. I was then fired for assaulting a customer. FML

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By hurricane0331 - United States

Today, a 75 year old lady drove into me. Her excuse was, "I wasn't looking." Awesome. FML

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By hellangelrose - France

Today, I was staying in my family friend's house in France. The church bells ring every hour, which I thought was cute. Until 8 this morning where they rang 24 times. FML

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By lucky - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend of almost ten months who his top five women to have it off with would be. I was third. My mom was second. FML

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By DaveAlmighty - United States

Today, I caught some perverts sitting in a car in front of my house, spying on my neighbors. When they refused to leave, I grabbed a baseball bat and they sped off in a hurry. Later, those same perverts came back to arrest my neighbors for drug trafficking. I had threatened cops. FML

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By holyshitsnacks - Canada - Woodstock

Today, the snow in my backyard melted, revealing just how much dog shit accumulated underneath it this winter. FML

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Top comments

By caitea | 0

#1641219 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 21:55

Just explain to your boss what actually happened.

By DevianceIsBliss | 0

#1641318 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 22:20

Did you drool on him?

COMMENTS

By caitea | 0

#1641219 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 21:55

Just explain to your boss what actually happened.

Reply

fakeaccountX | 6

#1641232 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 21:56

That weawwy thukth.

Reply

nevaless | 3

#1641491 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 23:34

agree with 17. ydi

Reply

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#1641873 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 1:27

Apply more numbing cream to you're ears, that way you won't hear your boss firing you. Reminds me off the time I had to fire anthony hopkins from a restaurant because people were afraid we served cannibal meals.

Reply

imaginaryvoice | 18

#1642507 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 4:41

"Hey, sorry boss. I have a serious tooth ache and the pain is just killing me. So I deci.... Hold on let me post this on Fml first."

Reply

dragonaair | 5

#1642778 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 6:00

17; Most fmls are posted after the events.

Reply

theCamelCaseMan | 0

#1643008 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 7:27

He said that the boss just called him to his office, so that would imply that he was at work while he was posting this.

Reply

PurplePigeon | 0

#1643031 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 7:35

I'm on FML at work right now. it's also 2:30am...

Reply

stfuexe | 0

#1643459 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 10:16

lol 41.

Reply

77taylah33 | 0

#1643765 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 12:03

HAHAHAHHA LOL nice one #41!!!!

Reply

resinnet | 0

#1645236 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 18:47

Hey 50, Antoine Dodson!

Reply

never2late88 | 0

#1656361 - Saturday 6 November 2010 6:11

Ydi for being on fml at work. And when you try and speak to your boss he'll realize that you weren't making fun of the guy

By xWITNESS_xX | 0

#1641220 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 21:55

ooooh... that really sucks! :(

Reply

writergirl69 | 0

#1642492 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 4:33

I would agree, but the wording of this implies that they're on FML at work, meaning they want to be paid for doing nothing, so I'm saying YDI

Reply

TheSnakeDoctor | 0

#1642518 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 4:43

Yeah that sounds like a creamy situation.

By katielove27 | 0

#1641223 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 21:55

Well you shouldn't get in trouble since it's not really your fault

By wwerulez14 | 6

#1641225 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 21:55

Just explain to your boss what happened. Shit happens... Still sucks though... FYL

By RadAtThis01 | 0

#1641227 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 21:55

lmao

By kazoovirtuoso | 0

#1641289 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 22:09

But you're a good employee, even though you posted this on company time while keeping your boss waiting? Dipshit.

Reply

JohnTheIII | 0

#1643246 - Wednesday 3 November 2010 9:20

My thoughts exactly.

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#1641303 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 22:15

I'm sure he'll let you off if he sees that you're talking all herpaderp, and if you explain what happened.
=p

By treasurechest | 0

#1641314 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 22:19

sucks

By DevianceIsBliss | 0

#1641318 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 22:20

Did you drool on him?

By perdix | 29

#1641354 - Tuesday 2 November 2010 22:30

Your boss probably wants to have a good laugh at the whiny, lisping douchebag's expense.

If he's really mad at you, your mouth is numb anyway, so you could fix things without feeling anything . . . except maybe a little prick.