Today, I had a really cute waitress at lunch. I decided to leave... - FML

By Anonymous - 6/4/2009 05:07 - United States

Today, I had a really cute waitress at lunch. I decided to leave my number and a $50 bill for a $15 check. When I left the restaurant I realized I still had the $50 but a $1 bill was missing from my wallet. I've been getting threatening text messages all day. FML

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Work name

Superficial World

Body issues

By Anonymous - 21/6/2012 14:52 - United States - Medway

Today, when I told my family I was a vegetarian, I expected them to make fun of me because that's just my family. But what I wasn't expecting was my dad to use raw meat as a puppet and make it say, "Eat me! Eat me!" then throw it at my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/6/2009 22:58 - United States

Today, while on my daily jog, I passed a very attractive girl. While passing her, she yelled "hey cutie". Trying to look cool, I tried turning around without stopping. I then fell off the curb and severely sprained my ankle. She caught up to help but was laughing the entire time. FML

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By (L) - 13/2/2018 09:00 - United States - Athens

Today, I was studying in my university library when I noticed an attractive boy sitting alone four tables ahead of me. I wrote down my phone number, scrunched it into a ball, and threw it at him. He looked up, opened it, scrunched it up, and threw it back. FML

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By have it your way - 29/4/2014 19:13 - United States - Rochester

Today, during a boat trip with my boyfriend's family, I got seasick and went to the side of the boat to puke. A current rocked the boat so badly that I fell overboard, prompting a panicked rescue and my boyfriend's mom muttering that I'm a pathetic attention whore. FML

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By higagram - 10/9/2010 03:15 - United States

Today, I bumped into a lady in the New Jersey airport. After I politely apologized she said, "Watch your step, asshole." FML

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By SplashOuch - 5/1/2010 17:58 - United States

Today, I was walking out of Starbucks when I sneezed, causing coffee to burn my nose. I screamed, dropped it, and sent scorching coffee all over my legs while dropping everything else I was holding. FML

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By buttpain - 11/1/2017 13:25

Today, being a snow day, I decided to take a nice nap before resuming cleaning my room. Changed back into pajamas, climbed into bed, and found that one of the cats peed on my sheets. I've made negative progress, and had my underwear soaked in someone else's cold urine. FML

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By ohdearyme - 9/1/2015 12:06 - United Kingdom - Guildford

Today, I found out my boyfriend was on a dating website. He came up as an ideal match for my sister. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/11/2010 20:36 - Canada

Today, I was texting my trainer to rearrange our training session. My girlfriend texted me during the exchange, asking what I wanted for Christmas. I accidentally texted my trainer, "All I want are your sweet titties in my face". I'm awaiting a response. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/4/2009 10:07 - Australia

Today, at work the police were looking over video footage of an incident earlier in the day where a car had slammed hard into another one in the carpark. My manager came into the kitchen and asked if I wanted to come see it to for a laugh. The car that got hit was mine. FML

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By paging dr. kevorkian - 16/5/2013 21:23 - Netherlands

Today, I took my girlfriend to a family dinner. Things went great, until my grandma arrived. She thought it would be okay to continue our friendly prank war by congratulating me on my "wife's" pregnancy. My girlfriend actually believed it, and now thinks she's the "other woman". FML

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By postop - 26/6/2015 03:06 - United States - Far Rockaway

Today, I woke up to my mother telling me to sit up and get dressed because we had to go before it was too late. I just woke up from surgery. She didn't want to be stuck in traffic. FML

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By drakx88 - 6/3/2009 17:11 - United States

Today, it was my final meeting with my psychologist who was helping me with my bipolar disorder. I just found out that he committed suicide. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/3/2020 18:00 - United Kingdom

Panic mode: activated

Today, I got out of bed and saw muddy footprints next to it. They were at least three sizes bigger than mine. I live alone. FML

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By pumpkinbutt - 17/1/2010 21:08 - France

Today, I hurried into the bank to cash in the $5,000 check my grandparents had given me for college money. I found out that instead of my name, they wrote 'our sweet iddle pumpkinbutt'. I couldn't make eye contact with anyone after. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2009 06:05 - United States

Today, I got an email from a local company looking to have a website made. I looked over their request and provided them with a reasonable offer. I got an email back stating that they would like to pay me with liquor instead of money. FML

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By Anatomy - 28/1/2017 22:00 - United States - Albany

Today, after being suspicious for some time, I learned that my husband really has been going to the library in his free time to study anatomy. Specifically female anatomy, with the librarian, in the back closet. FML

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By NewFiancee - 11/8/2009 00:21 - United States

Today, I went out for dinner with my parents where they asked me if I was still dating my boyfriend so I answered no. They quickly responded by saying, "Oh so you finally got rid of that douchebag? It's not like he was getting anywhere in life anyways." I answered no because he's my fiancé now. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2015 15:28 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was supposed to start my vacation in Italy. I guess not everyone heard that I canceled it due to health problems, because this morning I caught two of my "friends" unplugging my TV after breaking into my house. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2012 18:10 - United States - Gerber

Today, my boss told me to cut my long hair. After coming back to work with a clean cut hairstyle, he apparently thought I was the new guy, and said I was going to be trained by "The long-haired girly-looking idiot." FML

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By Meg - 15/7/2011 22:24 - United States

Today, I was on the elevator at work. As it descended, a roach started scurrying about around my feet. I freaked out and started screaming, hitting the panic button without thinking. Now I'm facing a hefty fine for using the panic button when there wasn't a "real" emergency. FML

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By theultimatesalonfail - 15/8/2011 00:47 - United States

Today, a girl came into my salon to permanently straighten her really long and curly hair. After several long hours, I went to the counter to charge her. She ran out faster than an Olympic runner. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/3/2013 16:13 - United States - Craftsbury

Today, while working, I thought, "I wish my kittens could text so I can talk to them throughout the day." And then I realized, I'm that cat lady you read about. FML

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By konichiwa - 2/11/2009 22:03 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with my friends. My friend started talking about how unfair it is that women can use their breasts to get promotions. I told him that he has no place to talk, as he used his "d*ck" a few months ago with his female boss. His girlfriend of 3 years was sitting next to me. FML

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By kte - 30/12/2010 10:36 - United States

Today, I found out that my parents bought a stripper pole, my mom even hired a stripper to teach her some "moves." I'm scared to go in their room now. FML

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By BryanTazed - 22/8/2015 12:21 - United States - Ashland

Today, I woke up early for work. Had my coffee, finished up a report and headed out of my house. Not only was the office closed today, but the silent alarm was on, which is triggered by a door opening even if you use a key. I was startled by the cops searching the building, ran, and got tazed. FML

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By burntloyalty - 26/3/2011 20:54 - United States

Today, I had such a violent coughing fit that my stomach emptied itself all over the floor while at my sales job. FML

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By Alycat - 8/7/2017 14:29

Today, as it's my birthday, I was hoping for a nice present from my boyfriend. What did he get me? A PornHub account. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2009 05:44 - Australia

Today, I was driving my child to school when the car let out a huge bang. It shuddered to a halt. My son started laughing. I asked him what was funny but he wouldn't tell me. The car wouldn't start. I called RACV and they told me the problem. My son had rolled 9 golf balls into the exhaust pipe. FML

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By DanniRae - 13/3/2009 13:48 - United States

Today, my mom was helping me clean out stuff from college. She opened a box and took out some anal beads I got as a gag gift. She asked, "What are these?" I answered, "They are for massaging your back". She then insisted I show her. I massaged my mother with anal beads. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2020 03:00 - United States - Silver Spring

Birthday gift

Today, my mom thought it would be a good idea to bring my obnoxious ex to my birthday party. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/3/2014 10:42 - United States - Richmond

Today, and for the past 38 weeks of my pregnancy, my husband decided to amuse himself by following me around, making whale noises. FML

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By insulted - 15/11/2011 17:48 - Canada

Today, I was denied membership to an all-women's gym. Why? Because "men are not permitted to join". I am and have always been female. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2015 02:23 - Israel - Tel Aviv

Today, while having sex with my girlfriend for the first time, I pushed all the way in. She said, "Stop teasing me, put everything in." FML

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By ToysforHire - 22/9/2018 03:00

Today, I found out that my girlfriend secretly purchased a vibrator and has been using it for the past two weeks. When I confronted her, her only argument was "It's made me cum more times than you could." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2013 12:06 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I seemingly decided not to remove my foot from the pedal-clip of my bicycle until I had properly introduced myself to the cement. FML

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By Noalixah - 27/10/2008 02:22 - Finland

Today, in the early hours of the morning, a worker started drilling the road right in front of my window. He stopped 5 minutes before my alarm clock rang. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2015 18:08 - Russian Federation - Moscow

Today, my mom kicked my dad out of the house and told him not to come home again. Why? I started watching some porn on my computer, forgetting I was still connected to the bluetooth speakers in the living room. My mom thought it was my dad, and I didn't have the balls to admit the truth. FML

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By Gina - 2/4/2010 11:33 - Thailand

Today, I was in the shops and the lights all of a sudden went out. I got really scared for no reason because it was pitch black and grabbed onto my mum's hand. When the light's got turned on I was holding on to a random guy's hand. FML

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By BrokeAsFuck - 18/10/2012 23:52 - United States

Today, my mom and I went out to a fancy and expensive restaurant per her request; she told me it was her treat. After we ate our meals and the large check came, she excused herself to the bathroom. She didn't come back. I was dine-and-dashed by my own mother. FML

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Top comments

By Endymion_fml | 0

#86613 - Monday 6 April 2009 12:10

You tried to get to her heart through MONEY? What do you think she is, a prostitute?

By suadelaaa | 0

#86604 - Monday 6 April 2009 12:05

Oh because nothing says "Give me a call :D" like $35. Failfailfail

Comments

By suadelaaa | 0

#86604 - Monday 6 April 2009 12:05

Oh because nothing says "Give me a call :D" like $35. Failfailfail

Reply

pwincessa23 | 1

#1584806 - Friday 22 October 2010 7:22

Dollar menu:) hahaha jk u should h e paid attention. how do u not notice it's $1 not $50???

Reply

xXCANUCKSXx | 0

#3273908 - Sunday 11 September 2011 21:39

Stupid us money is all green. Here in canada our shits colored, like the heart deep down in every gunowning redneck american slob

Reply

missymay993 | 11

#4057237 - Monday 20 February 2012 0:18

No, the bill was $15, he payed that, but he meant to "leave $50 on the table" you don't leave money on the table to pay for the meal. So following this logic, he tipped her $1 instead of $50. There's no $35 amount involved.

Reply

Forlorn420 | 9

#4691336 - Sunday 15 July 2012 20:45

^ you're retarded. He tried to leave $50 to cover everything included the check.

By buryuntime | 0

#86612 - Monday 6 April 2009 12:09

I don't get it.

Reply

hellokittywhore | 0

#832293 - Sunday 7 February 2010 5:29

he accidently put down a one dollar bill in stead of a fifty like he meant to do. fyl indeed

Reply

noobgang7 | 5

#898887 - Sunday 28 February 2010 0:22

dine and dash lol

By Endymion_fml | 0

#86613 - Monday 6 April 2009 12:10

You tried to get to her heart through MONEY? What do you think she is, a prostitute?

By calikola | 0

#86619 - Monday 6 April 2009 12:12

Just stop being a pussy and text her back to explain the issue. That really isn't a FML.

Reply

geon_olam | 17

#3699146 - Wednesday 7 December 2011 23:42

"come to my house and ill give you 50 dollars"
i cant see that playing out too well...

Reply

mikenikes14 | 8

#5370997 - Sunday 17 February 2013 1:57

He could always go back to the restaurant and apologize in person.

By carmel | 0

#86620 - Monday 6 April 2009 12:13

haha, nice #3, i liked it.

Anyway....i'm not sure what this FML means? You paid a dollar for your meal or you tipped a dollar?
I'm confused :S

Reply

PurpleLlamas | 0

#1064262 - Monday 5 July 2010 8:28

5-the bill was 15$. he meant to put down 50$. he put the wrong bill on the table and instead put a 1$ bill on the table. so he didnt fully pay for the meal.

Reply

Ronnie_loves_you | 11

#2053450 - Monday 7 February 2011 5:37

I think this is fake bc he would've gotten like arrested for not paying. plus he's a fucktard. really $50? she probably wouldnt have called idiot.

Reply

athena3100 | 9

#2487670 - Tuesday 10 May 2011 6:38

it means he tipped her 1 dollar

Reply

everydayFML2121 | 5

#4662927 - Sunday 8 July 2012 4:49

No he paid in total one dollar... Why would someone send threatening texts over a small tip? Try reading the FML next time

By Zolty | 0

#86621 - Monday 6 April 2009 12:13

How in the hell do you not notice what money you are putting down?

By Blue_Blur | 0

#86622 - Monday 6 April 2009 12:13

Man up, give her the dam fifty and say you are so sorry and want to make it up to her... ;)

#5- he paid a buck for his meal.

Reply

calebg23 | 0

#964549 - Saturday 20 March 2010 0:11

no he didn't dumbass

Reply

shaggy1508 | 0

#967475 - Wednesday 24 March 2010 22:09

yes he did..?

Reply

alyssaax3 | 0

#1039295 - Tuesday 22 June 2010 17:07

you made it sound like you ate her. you were like "today I HAD a cute waitress for LUNCH"

By tsktsktsk | 0

#86623 - Monday 6 April 2009 12:13

I'm confused.

By newstud | 0

#86627 - Monday 6 April 2009 12:16

His bill was $15. He wanted to leave $50 but instead left just a $1 for the whole bill.
YDI dude. Always be in command of your money.

By evilduck_fml | 0

#86642 - Monday 6 April 2009 12:26

this one is definitely a winner. imagining the whole scene and feeling good for leaving 50 bucks and giving the number while paying 1/15th of the total and and.. haha.

thanks for making my day.