Animals: Today, I had a panic attack when a huge spider ran over my hand....

By katchoo - 03/11/2013 07:34 - Denmark

Today, I had a panic attack when a huge spider ran over my hand. I screamed, wailed, and killed it with a shoe while shouting. Ten minutes later, police slammed on my door. My neighbor called them, saying it sounded like someone was being murdered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 470

You deserved it 8 429

Animals

Another great day to be alive

Own it

Horn section

By hating my life - 26/11/2015 07:57 - United States

Today, I managed to accidentally drop an entire cake on my laptop's keyboard. There's so much frosting stuck under the keys, I have no idea how I'm going to clean it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 667

You deserved it 7 402

By omgwtfsam - 27/07/2009 00:53 - United States

Today, my dad somehow found some pictures of my boyfriend having sex with some girl and went on a rampage about how pissed he was that he was cheating on me. I had to explain to my parents that I was the girl in the pictures. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 494

You deserved it 19 202

By Anonymous - 12/04/2016 15:44 - United States - Ridley Park

Today, I overheard a coworker talking about going to what sounded like a dentist's appointment. As she left later, I jokingly said "Remember to open wide!" Turned out her appointment was with her OB/GYN, not a dentist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 303

You deserved it 7 698

Happy New Year!

By Anonymous - 01/01/2021 11:01

Today, my New Year’s Eve consisted of four things: being home alone, drinking cheap alcohol out of a tooth mug, getting an upset stomach from that, then going to bed early with ear plugs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 658

You deserved it 206

By Anonymous - 25/08/2014 16:01 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, it's been almost a week since I returned from my vacation to Ireland. Before I rarely drank. Now I'm pretty sure I'm an alcoholic. You might think I'm joking, but I've woken up hungover every day since I landed there. I basically paid to kill my liver and become AA's next poster child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 285

You deserved it 17 538

By TLT - 16/11/2009 18:12 - United States

Today, my boyfriend came over to celebrate our anniversary. He had a card written in crayon with my name spelled wrong, and a basket I had seen his mother throw in the trash filled with flower petals ripped from my mom's garden. Our anniversary was 3 days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 299

You deserved it 5 812

By goodjobme - 23/02/2016 06:53 - United States - Torrance

Today, I was at church with some friends and our counselor, who had recently came back from Taiwan. I was born there and love to visit, so I immediately exclaimed, "How lucky!" A few seconds of awkward silence later, he said, "I was visiting my dad who was just diagnosed with cancer." FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 795

You deserved it 2 116

By Anonymous - 18/01/2013 20:59 - Canada - Owen Sound

Today, my husband sent me a text before heading home from work. All it said was, "Need a fuck. Backed up to hell. You're about to shower face first in a fire hydrant." Love you too, hun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 888

You deserved it 5 976

By Doglover - 02/11/2017 14:00

Today, I went jogging. It was cold but I dressed lightly because I overheat when I exercise. Unfortunately, I locked myself out. My wife returned four hours later to find me spooning our dog in the doghouse to keep from freezing to death. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 838

You deserved it 929

Boozehound alert

By guiltyschuldig49 - 25/04/2020 23:00

Today, I'm exhausted. For the second time, my fiancé and I have pulled my future sister-in-law off the pavement naked and drunk at 3 a.m. and couldn't find the purse or glasses she had with her. She’s hungover and has completely blacked out what happened. Never again giving her a place to crash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 572

You deserved it 201

Happy Birthday to me

By Zebra - 30/12/2020 22:58

Today, my sister was meant to come over for lunch for my birthday. Turns out, she forgot about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 774

You deserved it 51

By jkass - 07/10/2011 15:07 - Australia

Today, I was pulled over by the police. The cop was my ex-boyfriend. He had no legitimate reason to pull me over, so he thoroughly checked my car. He gave me a defect notice and a fine. What for? A broken door lock, on my rear passenger door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 316

You deserved it 4 469

By Anonymous - 30/11/2009 02:39 - United States

Today, my mom sat on a pencil and started bleeding. She then made me clean the wound on her butt and put ointment on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 057

You deserved it 4 909

A teachable moment

By rickshaw rider - 28/05/2021 00:01

Today, I caught my son and my wife’s daughter “experimenting” with each other’s privates. They’re not blood related and they are teenagers, so it’s maybe not too bad, but they’ve been raised together since they were roughly about 5 years-old, so it’s still too weird to really understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 296

You deserved it 175

Ticket to ride

By Anonymous - 25/08/2021 22:01

Today, I was in a bus headed to another city and fell asleep as did everyone else. I must've woken up last, because I half-snorted as I woke up and everybody heard. Now we’re on a coffee break and I can see them all snicker about it outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 661

You deserved it 121

By Anonymous - 14/05/2011 13:17 - United Kingdom

Today, it's my wedding day, and I have uncontrollable diarrhea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 661

You deserved it 5 095

Little wins matter

By Anonymous - 22/12/2020 14:06

Today, after our Christmas plans got cancelled because of COVID, to make ourselves feel better we made travel plans somewhere else, which also turned into a red zone the night before our departure, we are now going out for breakfast as our highlight of the year. Thankfully they are open. FML

I agree, your life sucks 363

You deserved it 1 132

By mcpeepants - 08/01/2010 17:56 - United States

Today, I found out I've recently developed a bladder control issue. Every time I lift anything more than about fifteen pounds, I pee myself a little. I work in a warehouse. Heavy lifting is my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 210

You deserved it 2 677

By Anonymous - 27/10/2012 19:28 - Germany - Nuremberg

Today, I saw a folder on my son's PC named "PussyPictures". I sat him down for a talk, only to be told they contained pictures of the James Bond character Pussy Galore, for his essay about sexism in movies. He's now mocking me for "having a dirty mind". FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 541

You deserved it 38 415

By rotezora - 02/09/2012 12:44 - Switzerland - Basel

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by rapping in a voicemail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 434

You deserved it 3 581

Young love

By gee thanks - 04/11/2021 23:00

Today, I overheard my wife telling our daughter that getting married young is like a “long, slow, painful dream-killing death, played out over decades.” We got married when I was 18 and she was 17. FML

I agree, your life sucks 939

You deserved it 251

Deadlines whooshing by

By Anonymous - 11/03/2021 15:30 - United States - Putney

Today, my Computer Science professor posted an assignment that's due right before our Monday class… on Monday morning. I wouldn't have even thought to check for assignments this morning if he hadn't done the same thing last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 919

You deserved it 76

By waitress - 12/04/2009 02:07 - United States

Today, I was waitressing when a man sat at my table with soda from somewhere else. Drinks are half the profit for restaurants. There is a strict policy that you have to charge for carry-in drinks. I told him this, he yelled at me so I told him I was doing my job. I got fired, for doing my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 528

You deserved it 4 258

Clipper time

By azurekitten - 07/06/2021 07:59

Today, I once again woke up to find a huge gash on the back of my foot with blood pouring out. Turns out, I scratched it with my other toenail in my sleep. This is the ninth time this has happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 363

You deserved it 1 084

By StupidApple - 25/05/2011 00:02

Today, I found out that whenever I send my son to his room, he goes on his iPod and buys the most expensive apps he can find. So far I've been charged $600. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 816

You deserved it 53 162

By Voltron - 11/01/2012 00:37 - United States

Today, I have to go on a diet, because I can't afford to buy bigger clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 747

You deserved it 37 550

I'm looking through you

By lesler - 20/07/2021 06:01 - Canada

Today, my bartender noticed my new haircut before my live-in boyfriend did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 836

You deserved it 173

By mvgirl - 22/10/2009 15:47 - United States

Today, while sitting with my son, an ice cream cone landed on my head from out of no where. I look up to see three children on the balcony above us yelling, "Look we hit the fat lady!" They ran away laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 949

You deserved it 5 567

By TCRII - 13/06/2018 15:52

Today, my estranged wife, who I am divorcing, asked me to find homes for our animals. I have a dog, which I am keeping. She has 3 dogs, 4 cats, 1 pig, 3 goats, 2 horses and 54 chickens. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 423

You deserved it 371

By embarassed - 25/05/2009 04:43 - United States

Today, my mother came up to me at swim meet and shouted to me in the bleachers "If you have to go potty, go now because there is a long line!". I'm seventeen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 782

You deserved it 3 258

By Anonymous - 01/03/2018 19:30 - United States - Greenville

Today, while wearing a sexy pair of undies for my partner and taking him out on a nice dinner, I trusted a fart walking from the car to the restaurant and shit myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 986

You deserved it 1 700

The step after egg mode

By I’m a boy - 09/03/2021 05:01

Today, I was told that because I have an anime profile picture, I’m obviously extremely ugly in real life. I’m not ugly, I’m trans. FML

I agree, your life sucks 623

You deserved it 766

By Charlie - 05/05/2011 03:30 - United States

Today, I brought my girlfriend of four months home for dinner to meet my parents. The first thing my mom says to her? "Oh my God, you're real!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 442

You deserved it 4 891

By el211 - 15/03/2010 07:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend ran accidentally head-first into my face and left me with a giant black eye. My mother is convinced I had a seizure in a park somewhere and won't listen when I tell her she's wrong, and everyone else thinks my boyfriend is abusive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 191

You deserved it 2 763

By Rainman - 14/06/2009 20:39 - United States

Today, I had to water my entire garden. After an exhausting hour of watering hundreds of plants, I turned off the hose and started to feel good about the grueling job. That is, until it started pouring rain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 765

You deserved it 14 275

By gingerninja - 02/11/2010 17:43 - United Kingdom

Today, our class was focusing on discrimination, and our teacher asked us if anyone had ever felt discriminated against. I put my hand up to share a story, and my teacher immediately said "It's because you're ginger, isn't it?" That's not what I was going to say. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 392

You deserved it 7 628

The final countdown

By Hapaboy808 - 08/07/2020 23:01

Today, I'm sharing an apartment in a foreign country with my soon-to-be ex. There are 6 months left on the contract, so we both decided to live here until then to save money. She earns enough to afford her own place. Me on the other hand… FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 193

You deserved it 341

By fun in functioning, I suppose - 20/01/2015 19:54 - United States - Starkville

Today, I texted my boyfriend a few dirty messages at lunch time and told him how badly I wanted him home. He texted back lecturing me on how I shouldn't be so drunk so early. I was totally sober, but now I need a drink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 177

You deserved it 5 663

By tylerlove361 - 11/02/2009 05:30 - United States

Today, I cut myself with child-proof scissors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 037

You deserved it 33 965

By laptitesouris - 31/03/2013 23:35 - France - Pertuis

Today, one of my 5-year-old son's teeth fell out, but he's quite scatterbrained and he lost it. He did however find my vibrating duck under my pillow, and is now crying because he thinks that I stole his tooth so that the tooth fairy would bring me a toy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 065

You deserved it 7 064

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