Intimacy: Today, I had a one night stand. After her laying there without... - FML

By InsultToInjury

Today, I had a one night stand. After her laying there without moving for ages, she impatiently asked if I'd finished. Once she got bored and told me to just finish myself off, her song playlist began playing "Never Gonna Dance Again". Very romantic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3007

You deserved it

1187

Tweet

Share

Messed up

Looks like we made it… Oh.

Modernity

By Anon - United States

Today, after a small fight with my girlfriend, I started to miss her, so I typed her name into Google on a whim. Surprisingly, I find a link to a blog in which the owner describes his ongoing effort to seduce my girl. During times she told me she was alone. Thanks babe. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32603

You deserved it

3478

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, my husband and his best mate got drunk and decided it would be a good idea to try hitchhike naked for a joke. Although no one was willing to pick up two naked 28 year old-men off the side of the main road, someone did call the cops. They are being held overnight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15003

You deserved it

1804

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went back home. My drunk mother was screaming at my drunk step-dad about a fight that happened four years ago. My little sister was looking in the mirror practicing her "orgasm face" while the neighbors were dancing outside, coked out and naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

86078

You deserved it

5354

Tweet

Share

By hahahawoww - United States

Today, I discovered that my best friend of 3 years has me in her phone as "Stupid Bitch". FML

I agree, your life sucks

32394

You deserved it

4440

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Fast and Furious

Today, my girlfriend were having sex. When I finished, she whispered in my ear, "30 seconds." FML

I agree, your life sucks

804

You deserved it

1596

Tweet

Share

By lectro - France

Today, I swallowed the piercing that I had bought for my tongue yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14886

You deserved it

30929

Tweet

Share

By pchemist - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He said I was way too good at sex so I must have lied about not having much experience, and he "wouldn't be with someone who is hiding something." WTF? FML

I agree, your life sucks

89218

You deserved it

6953

Tweet

Share

By son - Israel

Today, my mom told me that she doesn't want me to help any of my friends get a job at the restaurant I work at. Apparently, she thinks that they would do a better job than me and get me fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27145

You deserved it

4256

Tweet

Share

By Radgirl - United States

Today, while on a run off campus with my german shepherd, I tried to impress a couple of hot fraternity guys playing football outside of their house. I broke out into a full sprint. I then got tangled in my dog's leash and fell straight in to a parked jeep knocking myself unconscious. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17326

You deserved it

58378

Tweet

Share

By John doe - United States

Today, I woke up next to a woman nearly twice my age. I don't know how to tell her it was drunken sex and not the beginning of a relationship. But I have to come up with something soon as I work with her Monday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13411

You deserved it

43726

Tweet

Share

By random - United States - El Paso

Today, at the gym, my boobs were jiggling more than the girl next to me. This would be a good thing, if I wasn't a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52752

You deserved it

16803

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Finland - Vammala

Today, my girlfriend called me and said she needs to take a break from our relationship. Why? Her really clingy ex is really depressed about her dating someone else and he isn't ready to accept it. So she wants to take a break "for his sake" until he's over her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27864

You deserved it

2339

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada - Port-menier

Today, I found out my mom recently stopped taking her medication. I came home to find she'd shot my dog because she thought he was possessed by the devil. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42542

You deserved it

2173

Tweet

Share

By Oh man... - Australia - Perth

Doggy Wants A Bone

Today, I began my ritual of my afternoon wank. As I was about to finish, I noticed my dog staring at me from across the room. We shared a longboard stare as I came, and I can't look him in the eyes the same way. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2945

You deserved it

4878

Tweet

Share

By Anon - Canada - Calgary

Birthday Bitch

Today, I received an angry phone call from a friend whose birthday party I missed last night. Yesterday, I gave birth to my son. She claims that I ruined her party and demands I still bring her a birthday gift. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8826

You deserved it

565

Tweet

Share

By FamilyLoving - United States - Patchogue

Today, I was out jogging. As I took a rest to have a drink of water, a car pulled onto the sidewalk and bumped into me. Not just any car; my dad's car. He then drove away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45007

You deserved it

3801

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'd had it with my mom's addiction to weed, so I told her to choose between me or the weed. I'm currently looking on Craigslist for an apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39918

You deserved it

13994

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, a thumb tack came out of one of my posters on my wall. The sole of my foot had the pleasure of finding it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29317

You deserved it

3949

Tweet

Share

By poormum - Australia - Carlton North

Today, I was unsuccessful in getting a job at a supermarket. The same supermarket I used to work at. I now have a degree but can't even get a job at a place I used to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9698

You deserved it

819

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend, the love of my life. Actually I ran into a billboard for her college, where apparently she is the new "poster girl" for their advertising campaign. I have now seen her on 2 billboards, a newspaper ad and a bus. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33737

You deserved it

3436

Tweet

Share

By Depressed - 14/7/2020 20:01

All for nothing

Today, due to some highly corrupted data that I had nothing to do with and no control over, around 5 years of pixel art I'd made, and spent most of my free time working on, has been permanently deleted, and there is no way to recover it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1624

You deserved it

302

Tweet

Share

By Fire0fisis - Hong Kong

Today, my boyfriend and I went out on his boat. We got in the water and started to have sex when a fishing boat came by and chummed. There's nothing more romantic than bloody fish guts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24798

You deserved it

11064

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, in preparation for a third interview for my dream job, I spent an hour selecting the perfect outfit. I hung everything on my bedroom door and went to shower. My dog decided to play tug-of-war with the clothing and redesign the shoes. The only thing to survive unscathed was the hanger. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42179

You deserved it

7348

Tweet

Share

By smellymcgee - United States - Farmington

Today, I came home to the vilest stench I've ever smelled. I had to open a floor vent and scoop up the turd that was inside. Funnily enough, today was the day my scumbag roommate moved out, but I'm sure he had absolutely nothing to do with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13359

You deserved it

776

Tweet

Share

By katie

Today, as my girlfriend and I were making love, and she started to moan and groan. All of a sudden, she stopped and said "I'm lying, you suck at this." FML

I agree, your life sucks

57763

You deserved it

19088

Tweet

Share

By Phil - United States - Plain City

Today, I was driving slightly off road for work to clean a well. I didn't want to get my boots muddy by walking the last 20 ft through mud, so I tried to drive through. I spent the next four hours on hands and knees digging my way out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1043

You deserved it

3026

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I walked in on my daughter trying to tan herself with her regular desk lamp. She won't believe that it wouldn't give her a tan. She's 16 years old. This isn't the first time this has happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34156

You deserved it

5125

Tweet

Share

By Bad friend - 19/12/2020 02:04 - United States

Entitled

Today, after I'd mailed my friend her Christmas gifts since we can’t see each other, she called me ranting because the gift I sent her dog only cost $5. According to her, that means I must not really care as her dog is her “baby”. I bought gifts for all 5 of her kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1114

You deserved it

63

Tweet

Share

By hendrix1 - United States

Today, my boyfriend wrote me a break-up letter, using Comic Sans. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36519

You deserved it

4500

Tweet

Share

By Melinda - United States

Today, I was walking through the bar area of the restaurant I work at and fell on my ass. Customers complained to my manager that I shouldn't be drinking on the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28592

You deserved it

2883

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I found out while skiing that my dad likes to call me Pimple because I have a pink coat and white helmet. He has tried to squeeze me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26598

You deserved it

5554

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 3/3/2021 02:58 - Australia - Melbourne

Bad, bad mom

Today, I got home from work a few hours early to find my mum cheating, right in the middle of the act. So much for a nice afternoon off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1065

You deserved it

79

Tweet

Share

By somebody - United States - Lexington Park

Today, when I was laying in my bed, I looked on the opposite side and saw a spider the size of my palm staring at me. And if that wasn't bad, I found out it hops. I still can't find it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33270

You deserved it

2066

Tweet

Share

By fuck you with a bacon cock - United Kingdom - Forres

Today, I got up early in the morning to get a snack, only to walk in on my "vegan" housemate eating a turkey sandwich. This bastard harasses me every other day about my meat-eating, but all he could do after he noticed me was drop the sandwich and claim he'd been sleepwalking. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43177

You deserved it

3476

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada - Whitby

Today, I used a prank app, where you shake the cell, and it makes the screen looks cracked. I ended up losing my grip on the phone. It went flying, and it is now cracked for real. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10926

You deserved it

36500

Tweet

Share

By troubleintoyland - United States

Today, my fiancé and I attempted to have sex in my childhood bedroom. As we were falling onto the bed, I smacked my head on the wall, which caused a shelf of stuffed toys to fall onto the bed. Not only did it kill the mood, the shelf also hit me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28715

You deserved it

9503

Tweet

Share

By Holly Jolly - United States

Today, I spent the day crying, and ate McDonald's for my Christmas dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45535

You deserved it

5581

Tweet

Share

By cooploops - United States - Memphis

Today, I went to the mall with some friends. We all kept smelling this god awful B.O. smell and had no idea where it was coming from. On the car ride home, we all figured out it was actually me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28349

You deserved it

12042

Tweet

Share

By -_____- - Netherlands

Today, my boyfriend and I were spooning in bed, nude, when I accidentally farted. He freaked out and asked in all seriousness if I was trying to give his dick pink-eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49916

You deserved it

8031

Tweet

Share

By Courtney - Reserved

Today, I tried to inconspicuously hock a loogie. It went down my bra. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8425

You deserved it

34578

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By rickAUS | 22

#7744205 - Friday 28 December 2018 4:30

So... time to reflect on what went wrong for the next time? Either she was extremely difficult to please or your game need serious improvement. Either way I'm voting YDI for being oblivious to her lack of interest the entire time.

By Blunt person | 16

#7744230 - Friday 28 December 2018 7:20

Considering it was a one night stand, why the hell do you care?

COMMENTS

By rickAUS | 22

#7744205 - Friday 28 December 2018 4:30

So... time to reflect on what went wrong for the next time? Either she was extremely difficult to please or your game need serious improvement. Either way I'm voting YDI for being oblivious to her lack of interest the entire time.

Reply

PenguinPal3017 | 19

#7744207 - Friday 28 December 2018 4:33

It sounds like he was all too aware that she was doing nothing.

Reply

rickAUS | 22

#7744210 - Friday 28 December 2018 4:58

Not even close to what I was getting at but whatever; thanks captain obvious for pointing out what is written in the FML.

Reply

OhSnap | 5

#7752295 - Sunday 13 January 2019 2:01

I have to agree with Rick.

By Warmonger_Smurf | 29

#7744206 - Friday 28 December 2018 4:33

Bragging about your failures? That’s a bold move Cotton, let’s see if it pays off.

By medyas | 11

#7744212 - Friday 28 December 2018 5:29

Careless Whisper?

By Blunt person | 16

#7744230 - Friday 28 December 2018 7:20

Considering it was a one night stand, why the hell do you care?

Reply

JoeMe | 2

#7744906 - Saturday 29 December 2018 13:45

Ego probably

By manb91uk | 22

#7744250 - Friday 28 December 2018 8:28

You thought a one night stand would be romantic? How cute

By Ella_fml | 17

#7744336 - Friday 28 December 2018 11:43

If she's not moving, you should have probably talked to her... sounds like it was an FML for her too

By Burle | 17

#7744465 - Friday 28 December 2018 16:52

Still counts

By oldtimer | 3

#7744477 - Friday 28 December 2018 17:49

Sounds like it was more of an FML for her than you.

By ViviMage | 38

#7744502 - Friday 28 December 2018 18:37

Shouldn't be so Careless with that Whisper app!

By JoeMe | 2

#7744905 - Saturday 29 December 2018 13:44

Small?