Today, I had a one night stand. After her laying there without... - FML

By InsultToInjury

Today, I had a one night stand. After her laying there without moving for ages, she impatiently asked if I'd finished. Once she got bored and told me to just finish myself off, her song playlist began playing "Never Gonna Dance Again". Very romantic. FML

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Messed up

Thanks, government

Wise kid

By ForeverAlone - United Kingdom

Today, after watching over my drunken mother all last night to make sure she didn't choke on her own vomit, I came to the conclusion that at the age of 53, she's more of a party animal than I ever will be. I'm a 22 year old man. FML

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By kolgate - United States

Today, I called my grandmother to wish her a happy Valentines Day. She asked me if I had a date lined up. I didn't, and before I could explain why, she responded with, "Well, maybe all the other gays went on vacation!" Thanks Grandma, I'm not gay. FML

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By A_W

Today, in desperate need of cash to get me by until payday, I decided to pawn one of my nicer possessions, a Coach purse. Today, I learned that counterfeiters are getting a lot better at their profession. Now I have no money AND a fake purse. FML

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By fukingtigans - Croatia - Rupalj

Today, my business got broken into and I lost a lot of valuable equipment. Although I have 24/7 security guards, they left in the middle of the burglary because they were too scared to stop the burglars or even to call the police. FML

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By anyonmus - United States - Westminster

Today, I went for a run, and my own dog attacked me. FML

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By trainhump - Australia

Today, I took the train to work. There was an older man standing behind me. Everytime I tried to edge away from him, he edged closer. Everytime the train rocked even slightly, his crotch made contact with my behind. It was an extremely bumpy train ride. I could also tell when he became hard. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2020 05:01

Frustration level: 2000

Today, I have an incredibly high sex drive. My boyfriend doesn't. He made me throw away my, rarely used, sex toys because he's jealous of them. I wouldn't need them if we had sex more. FML

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By Nutellalover - Germany - Hennef

Today, I realized that I spend the same amount of money on my phone bill as I do on Nutella. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex, and it was my first time being on top. I got so into it that when I went to put my hands on the wall for support, the shelf above my bed snapped, with my favorite little cactus falling onto his face. FML

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By lawman - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, my dad, under threats of disowning me, insisted that I offer my sister a job in my company. I run my own law firm, she is a hairdresser. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Albuquerque

Today, my friend insisted I wear her brand new hoodie for the day. When I gave it back after a few hours, she said she just needed it stretched and couldn't find someone fatter to stretch it for her. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/8/2020 23:02

Is this a joke?

Today, I told my wife if she wanted to get a divorce, she just had to get a cat since I'm deathly allergic. She got two. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a birthday present from my boyfriend's mom. It was ProActiv acne solution. He tried to make me feel better by explaining it's because she wants to be able to include me in family pictures. FML

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By toobad - Canada

Today, it's cold and rainy. I would like nothing more than to drink hot chocolate and watch a movie with the woman I love; the same woman who cheated on me and took the TV with her when she left. FML

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By grossew

Today, my farm dog and I are spending the weekend in an urban area. She won't poop on concrete, so I directed her to a nice two-foot tall grassy median. As she vaulted up onto the median, two turds shot out of her ass and plopped right on my foot. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend stacks things on me while I sleep. Apparently his record is 4 pillows, a textbook, and the cat. FML

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By Bilze - United States - Burke

Today, I was reading a book on paper for the first time in maybe a month. I had to stop at a word I did not recognise. Because I'm so used to using a Kindle, I tried to get the definition by pressing it. I had my finger on the word for a few seconds before I realised it was paper. FML

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By State

Today, my best friend asked me to be the best man at his wedding. I had to decline because the bride's family has deep prison gang ties and I'm a correctional officer. FML

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By Yeoman - New Zealand

Today, my mother looked me dead in the face and said, "I have failed as a parent." FML

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By Anonymous - 12/11/2020 08:03

MILF

Today, I was watching porn and found my mom on a webcam. When I told her that I saw her, she just took away my computer and told me to get off porn. FML

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By cherbear1000 - United States - Newville

Today, I put scribbles, lines, shapes and random words on my calendar just to make it seem like I was busy. This isn't the first time. FML

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By father of the year - United States

Today, my 18-year-old daughter texted me and told me that she got in a car crash. She texted, "I forgot wich way wus left lol" and then quickly added "yolo right? Lol". FML

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By meow - United States

Today, my boyfriend informed me that sharing a bed with me was like sleeping with a seizing cat. FML

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By Yulia - United States

Today, my mom decided to give me a solid reason for not having pre-marital sex. She told me that my future husband will want me to be tight for our first time. My mom and I were on a ski lift. The ride lasted 10 more uncomfortable minutes. FML

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By poopybed - United States

Today, I found out that my dog is so lazy, she doesn't even get out of my bed in the morning to poop. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Sackville

Today, my biology professor was giving a lecture to everyone and used me as an example. For what? Traits men are repulsed by in potential mates. FML

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By groomfail - United States

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend, whom I was madly in love with, by having a plane fly over her house spelling "Marry me Abby?". After seeing this, she locked herself in her room and cried for 4 hours exclaiming that this wasn't how she wanted to be proposed to. I had invited my entire family. FML

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By EmBAREassed - United States

Today, I was walking around Walmart feeling pretty good about myself as I received numerous looks from guys in passing. All of a sudden a man approached me to tell me that my dress was extremely see-through. And, since I was wearing a thong, he and everyone else could totally see my ass. FML

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By wnrz - United States

Today, I walked in on my mom changing. She was trying on a thong my boyfriend bought me for Valentine's Day. It looks better on her. FML

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By kikinemo - United States

Today, I was telling my cousin about my boyfriend, who plays guitar and sings very well, has dark hair, and wears girl pants. After telling her these things, she's quiet for a moment before she looks at me and says, "So... You're dating a Jonas brother?" FML

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By tlm84 - United States - Fitchburg

Today, while out shopping, I could hear what sounded like two grown men talking about me, and they were being pretty gross. I turned around to scold them and it turned out being a dad and his 13-year-old son. He said he was, "teaching a son to be a man, and that my ass was grounds for discussion." FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden

Today, I sneezed so hard that I hit my head against the wall. FML

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By MondayonaTuesday

Today, while rushing to a big marketing presentation, I started feeling ill in my car. I was stuck in traffic, and before I could get my window open I threw up all over my suit. All I had were some tissues to try to clean the mess before presenting to a full boardroom. FML

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By Kailey - United States

Today, I was moving into my new house. While trying to turn on the light in the bedroom, I realized I couldn't reach the string on the fan. I got a chair, climbed up, reached over, and fell badly. While writhing in agony on the floor, I looked over to see a light switch on the wall. FML

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By Argh - France - Saivres

Today, my car keys are in my house and my house keys are in my car, and I'm in neither. FML

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By Anonymous - Cyprus - Nicosia

Today, I played a friendly prank on my dad, loosening the legs of his chair so it would fall apart when he sat on it. He responded by making me stand outside and watch as he keyed both sides of my car, front to back, as punishment. FML

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By HungryGirl - United States

Today, I went to McDonalds to get breakfast. I sat my food down at a table and went to get some napkins and a straw. I returned to the table to find that my food was gone, and could hear nothing but "SUCKKAAAA" trailing from the entrance to the restaurant. Some jerk stole my meal. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I overheard my parents planning on how to get me to move out of the house. It's my house. They only came to visit and forgot to leave. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Wexford

Today, my aunt informed me that my dad thinks my boyfriend is a loser deadbeat because he hasn't proposed to me after two years of dating and co-habitation. He hasn't asked because I already made it very clear I have no interest in marriage. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Murfreesboro

Today, I had to set parental controls on my iPad so my dad couldn't watch dirty videos on Youtube. FML

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Top comments

By rickAUS | 22

#7744205 - Friday 28 December 2018 4:30

So... time to reflect on what went wrong for the next time? Either she was extremely difficult to please or your game need serious improvement. Either way I'm voting YDI for being oblivious to her lack of interest the entire time.

By Blunt person | 16

#7744230 - Friday 28 December 2018 7:20

Considering it was a one night stand, why the hell do you care?

COMMENTS

By rickAUS | 22

#7744205 - Friday 28 December 2018 4:30

So... time to reflect on what went wrong for the next time? Either she was extremely difficult to please or your game need serious improvement. Either way I'm voting YDI for being oblivious to her lack of interest the entire time.

Reply

PenguinPal3017 | 19

#7744207 - Friday 28 December 2018 4:33

It sounds like he was all too aware that she was doing nothing.

Reply

rickAUS | 22

#7744210 - Friday 28 December 2018 4:58

Not even close to what I was getting at but whatever; thanks captain obvious for pointing out what is written in the FML.

Reply

OhSnap | 5

#7752295 - Sunday 13 January 2019 2:01

I have to agree with Rick.

By Warmonger_Smurf | 29

#7744206 - Friday 28 December 2018 4:33

Bragging about your failures? That’s a bold move Cotton, let’s see if it pays off.

By medyas | 11

#7744212 - Friday 28 December 2018 5:29

Careless Whisper?

By Blunt person | 16

#7744230 - Friday 28 December 2018 7:20

Considering it was a one night stand, why the hell do you care?

Reply

JoeMe | 2

#7744906 - Saturday 29 December 2018 13:45

Ego probably

By manb91uk | 22

#7744250 - Friday 28 December 2018 8:28

You thought a one night stand would be romantic? How cute

By Ella_fml | 17

#7744336 - Friday 28 December 2018 11:43

If she's not moving, you should have probably talked to her... sounds like it was an FML for her too

By Burle | 17

#7744465 - Friday 28 December 2018 16:52

Still counts

By oldtimer | 3

#7744477 - Friday 28 December 2018 17:49

Sounds like it was more of an FML for her than you.

By ViviMage | 38

#7744502 - Friday 28 December 2018 18:37

Shouldn't be so Careless with that Whisper app!

By JoeMe | 2

#7744905 - Saturday 29 December 2018 13:44

Small?