Today, I had a job interview. The interviewer asked me to give...

By Anonymous - 4/1/2011 03:35 - United States

Today, I had a job interview. The interviewer asked me to give 5 adjectives describing myself. I listed 7. The last one being "listener." FML

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Work

Healthy relationship

My body, my choice

Out of the frying pan

By AnnieThrax - 18/9/2012 04:35 - United States - Holdingford

Today, I received the heels I'll be wearing at my best friend's wedding. The bride ordered them for us to match the dresses. They're six-inch platform heels. I have three broken toes and am still wearing a boot. The wedding is next weekend. FML

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By Lo_Bolian - 25/4/2009 03:10 - United States

Today, I was taking the bus home. A dirty homeless man boarded the bus, put his bag on the overhead rack, and sat down. His bag was leaking and dripped onto my shoulder. I asked the man what it was. He said, "Roadkill." I now have dead animal blood on my best business suit. FML

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By yummolives - 26/8/2009 20:31 - United States

Today, my little sister recieved a fairy costume from my aunt. She put it on and waves her wand at me. She said,"Abra cadabra bibbity poo. I wish Sydney was pretty." When I did nothing, she put her hands on her hips and says,"Cant you just act pretty?" FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2010 23:47 - United States

Today, I was trying to swat a wasp in my bedroom. I got so frustrated that I ended up punching myself in the face. The wasp is still here, and now I look like I've been in a brawl. FML

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By KMROYALShottie - 27/5/2009 04:50 - United States

Today, I was taking out the trash and I came upon a bill from a veterinary hospital. It was for $50 and it was a bill to put my dog down. My Dad said my dog was missing and I put hundreds of signs around the city. FML

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By probably on death row soon - 25/12/2015 18:32 - United States - Winter Park

Today, my brother "pranked" me by dropping my new laptop out my bedroom window. He'd set up a saran wrap safety net below to catch my laptop safely, but he didn't secure it well enough. My laptop is completely fucked and he won't accept responsibility because he didn't mean to break it. FML

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By anne - 17/12/2011 03:46 - United States

Today, my husband called me to the bedroom to show me something. This "something" was him demonstrating his seemingly well-trained ability to accurately type out a sentence on my phone using nothing but his erect penis. FML

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By so romantic - 12/11/2011 05:06 - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me a promise ring. It was so sweet and romantic, until he said, "I want to marry you one day. But I want to date some other girls first." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2015 09:06 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I had to choke back tears as my cockslap of a brother brutally mocked me for being a 25-year-old loser who's never been kissed by a girl, while at 14 he's already lost his virginity. FML

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By mediocreboobs - 18/2/2009 22:31 - United States

Today, I was home alone tanning in my backyard which is fairly secluded. I took my top off and laid there for awhile before I looked over and saw the UPS guy standing at my gate with a package because nobody answered the door. I looked horrified and he said not to worry, he'd seen better. FML

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By Jaybird1587 - 3/8/2009 12:43 - United States

Today, I was just about to get in the shower, when I heard a loud crunch. I thought to myself, boy the neighbours next door must be doing some heavy construction. Two seconds after that thought, my brother knocked on the door to inform me that the neighbours tree had just fallen on my car. FML

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By Anna L. - 25/3/2013 00:23 - United States - San Antonio

Today, it was raining heavily so I wore my black poncho as I walked to work. On the way there I noticed an old and seemingly homeless man following me. I turned around to confront him. He picked up a stick and screamed "Expecto Patronum!" Apparently I look like a dementor. FML

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By torkx3 - 21/7/2009 20:22 - United States

Today, a resident went missing at our nursing home. When I found him, a man in a blue shirt and red pants, he started yelling at me in confusion. I just thought it was his alzheimers. When I brought him to my administrator, I was told the missing resident was wearing a red shirt and blue pants. Wrong guy. FML

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By Itstinksinhere - 19/4/2018 15:00

Today, my husband thought it was the best idea ever to clean the cat's litter box with the brand new vacuum cleaner instead of tipping it into a bin bag. My house now fills with the smell of warm cat piss every time I hoover. FML

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By anon - 31/7/2014 03:12 - Canada - Goderich

Today, my father tripped over the dog and hit a wall. He was so convinced his arm was broken that we waited for 3 hours in emergency to find out he had a bruise. FML

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By dogproblems - 27/1/2015 15:09 - United States - Charlotte

Today, I shaved my beard in preparation for an important work conference. Now my dog won't stop growling and barking at me. FML

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By indierocklove - 3/8/2011 16:55 - United States

Today, I finally started doing cardio and getting in shape. What motivated me to do it? Watching a zombie movie. The slow ones bite the dust first. FML

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By Rella - 15/12/2018 03:00

Today, my boyfriend and I were in the 69 position with me on top and as we changed positions, and I turned to face him, I saw toilet paper on his face that he didn't seem to notice and that I casually had to wipe off his face. FML

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By flowerging - 11/4/2013 04:53 - United States - Stony Brook

Today, I offered to pay my boyfriend to buy me flowers. He still refused. FML

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By Johnny - 19/12/2012 23:33 - United States - Memphis

Today, I sold some weights that were way too heavy for me on Craigslist. I felt okay with not being able to lift them when I saw the other man, who was a pretty buff dude; that is until of course he informed me he was buying them for his wife. FML

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By SheWentCrayola - 17/10/2009 02:04 - United States

Today, I met some guys from my dad's workplace. They told him what a pretty daughter he had, to which he responded, "Nah, it's just shit-loads of makeup." FML

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By lost_ina_dream - 21/2/2010 01:21 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I celebrated our anniversary at the park. I was watching him play around with the wood chips on the ground and thought I saw him making a heart being romantic, so I got on top of the playground to look. Turns out it was the balls of a giant penis, complete with pubes. FML

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By Mel - 11/9/2018 14:30

Today, I woke up to find out my cat pissed in my laundry from last night. This includes underwear, so I had to go commando. I grabbed an old T-shirt and pants at the bottom of a drawer and left for school. Turns out the pants had a hole in the crotch and my period was due. FML

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3198

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By jensoulstealer - 16/3/2020 20:17

The Omen 4

Today, my year and a half old daughter has discovered the joy of temper tantrums. She is now throwing them constantly. Everywhere. Anytime. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/7/2015 19:39 - United Kingdom

Today, a customer at the restaurant where I work reduced me to tears by screaming at me, as I nearly knocked out his 2-year-old with the kitchen door, after he let the little boy play on the floor behind it. Apparently, it's my fault I can't see through solid wood. FML

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By UNmarried - 31/8/2009 18:10 - United States

Today, I found some .pdf files on my wife's computer. They were forms that had been filled out except for the date and the "reason" section. They were divorce papers. When confronted about it she said, "Well, if you piss me off really bad, I want to write down why before I calm down." FML

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By immovingout - 4/5/2013 17:46 - United States - Huntington Station

Today, I met my new roommate. She has a life-size cardboard cutout of Justin Bieber in her room, which I've seen her having actual conversations with twice already. I have to share a bedroom with this psycho. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2010 23:19 - Canada

Today, I tripped in front of my graduation class of 225 and all of their relatives while receiving my diploma. FML

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By FMLMom - 8/8/2012 08:02 - United States - Chula Vista

Today, I learned that my son goes on online chat rooms and has sexual fantasy role-play. To make matters worse, the characters he uses are from My Little Pony. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2010 13:28 - United Kingdom

Today, I decided to have sex with with my boyfriend. After we had finished I jokingly said, "who's going to sleep in the wet patch?". He got up and said "you're optimistic, I'm not staying. Oh, and I'm dumping you, that performance was disappointing". It was my first time. FML

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By Loot - 17/2/2009 00:26 - United States

Today, I received a box in the mail from my mom which I assumed was a care package. It was a scale to encourage me to lose weight. FML

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By brokeandcardless - 13/1/2016 12:15 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, my card got declined at Subway, so I walked to the nearest cashpoint thirty minutes away to frantically figure out how much cash I had in my card. As I went to pull my card out of my purse, it slipped from my grip and fell into the sewer. The guy behind me snorted with laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24744

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By dwellswithin - 20/7/2009 22:00 - United States

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend in town. We broke up a year ago because he "moved" to Florida. FML

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By SNBBFF - 25/10/2011 07:10 - United States

Today, it was my birthday. We had a huge family dinner and everyone was invited, including my boyfriend. My family is kind of stuck-up, so I was very nervous about him meeting them. He got into an argument with my uncle over how "awesome" Van Halen is, and ignored me all night. FML

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By shitty shit - 26/5/2015 15:40 - United States - Carmel

Today, I was looking at old pictures with my mom and saw one of myself crying in kindergarten. I asked why I was crying. She said that was the day a boy kissed me on the cheek, and I thought I'd gotten pregnant. She then decided to give me the sex talk. FML

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By AvocadoPurse - 31/12/2019 16:00

Today, my mother-in-law took a phone message on the back of my marriage license. FML

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By Lulu - 16/7/2017 00:30

Today, the first day of my 4-day weekend, I fell off my scooter. I'll have to spend the rest of my vacation bandaged and away from water. I'm on a beach. FML

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By katie_sadface - 15/10/2012 02:19 - Canada

Today, I learned why so much money has been missing from my credit card account. My boyfriend stole it, and has been buying toys for his 3 children. I never knew he had kids. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2012 07:42 - United States - Fresno

Today, I had three things converge that should never be together: my period, hot doctor, and a colonoscopy. FML

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By AloneForChristmas - 25/12/2018 16:00

Today... I live in dorms and found out everyone is leaving for Christmas break. I also found out my student loan didn't go through so now I cant afford to go visit my family that lives over 7hrs away. I guess I'll be spending Christmas alone in a dorm room... FML

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Top comments

By hail_this_villai | 0

#1926294 - Tuesday 4 January 2011 9:12

Should've thrown in an eighth and said "Ironic."

By abdur | 0

#1926231 - Tuesday 4 January 2011 9:04

lol Perhaps you should have listened.

COMMENTS

By abdur | 0

#1926231 - Tuesday 4 January 2011 9:04

lol Perhaps you should have listened.

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#1926335 - Tuesday 4 January 2011 9:21

1# thanks captain obvious

5 adjectives that describe me would be, filthy, grotesque, powerful, breakable and annoying.

GreatGeak | 8

#1926671 - Tuesday 4 January 2011 11:05

haha! he's breakable!
kill the family guy!

nikki_4eva | 0

#1926885 - Tuesday 4 January 2011 12:48

kinda like Peter

Amosatron | 0

#1926894 - Tuesday 4 January 2011 12:49

Thanks alot for that.
I'm far too stupid to realise that, -.-

chewbacca69 | 0

#1930623 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 10:55

9 you stole my thing from the other fml how dare you sir.

By emmabear16 | 0

#1926240 - Tuesday 4 January 2011 9:06

haha obviously ur not a good listener

Amosatron | 0

#1926904 - Tuesday 4 January 2011 12:51

no shit.

emmabear16 | 0

#1930211 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 9:00

Yes, exactly. No shit. Why do you think I said that?

HateyMcHater | 4

#1930216 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 9:04

Because you can only spout the most inane and painfully obvious of observations?

nika10105 | 14

#2795942 - Friday 1 July 2011 5:27

no shit Sherlock!!!!

By squirell_AIDS69 | 0

#1926244 - Tuesday 4 January 2011 9:06

Tell him/her that there are just too many words to limit it to 5.

foreverjoseph | 5

#1930095 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 7:48

genius

By JuuuusssstFML | 0

#1926274 - Tuesday 4 January 2011 9:10

ya great listening skills... I bet you didn't get that job, YDI

SillyEars | 0

#1926546 - Tuesday 4 January 2011 10:17

especially since "listener" is not an adjective.

Mehness | 0

#1928199 - Tuesday 4 January 2011 16:34

19 - You might want to think twice about that. Listener is used to describe a person who listens well. :|

Mehness | 0

#1928217 - Tuesday 4 January 2011 16:37

Scratch that, I just realized that a listener would be a noun, not an adjective :L

By nicesprites | 4

#1926287 - Tuesday 4 January 2011 9:11

no way you were hired lol

By hail_this_villai | 0

#1926294 - Tuesday 4 January 2011 9:12

Should've thrown in an eighth and said "Ironic."

the17doctor | 12

#4447447 - Thursday 17 May 2012 15:59

No the 8th should have been 'over-achiever'.

By bigphill1333 | 0

#1926296 - Tuesday 4 January 2011 9:12

YDI for getting a job at burger king.

By DropDead77 | 11

#1926327 - Tuesday 4 January 2011 9:20

was overachiever the 6th

PushMyButtons | 5

#1926409 - Tuesday 4 January 2011 9:34

Haha good one!(:

milakitty21 | 0

#1926706 - Tuesday 4 January 2011 11:28

hardee har

By daddy15 | 0

#1926368 - Tuesday 4 January 2011 9:27

ydi for looking for a job.

dre_bro11 | 12

#1926996 - Tuesday 4 January 2011 13:13

yer! OP why get a job and earn money for? there's no point in that. just live of the money that daddy15 earns and pays as tax.

Karnezar | 2

#1929365 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 0:40

I lol'd

By yeahiknow0 | 0

#1926397 - Tuesday 4 January 2011 9:33

Overacheiver :P