Kids: Today, I had a job interview. I had to drop my daughter off with...

By boo - United States

Today, I had a job interview. I had to drop my daughter off with my babysitter first. When I got to the interview I got a weird look from the vice president of the company. I had lime green poop running down the side of my white blouse. FML

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Kids

Rock, hard place

Falling Down

Blabbermouth

By annonymous - China

Today, I had a softball team dinner, and I was sitting with a bunch of girls who were talking about how far they've gone with guys. One girl goes "I must be the least experienced one here, I've never even kissed a guy!" Surprised, I said "me too!" and high-fived her. She was joking. I wasn't. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fremont

Today, my son's teacher asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up. He put down "unemployed". FML

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By Oh_baby - United States

Today, I checked facebook, only to find out that my close cousin is now married. When I looked at the pictures, I saw that my whole family was there - including my sister, mother and father. I was the only one who wasn't invited. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend sent me a text that said, "I can't be seen with you anymore. You're too fat." FML

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By angela - 9/4/2020 23:00

Busted!

Today, I went to a party. Although I wasn't drinking, I was still afraid the cops would bust me. Halfway through the party, the cops showed up. I tried to hop a fence, ripping my pants and cutting my leg in the meantime. It wasn't until was on the ground that I found out there was a gate. FML

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By marz88 - United States

Today, a friend of mine got a bit drunk, but said she was fine and didn't feel drunk at all. I took her keys anyway and said she could sleep on my bed, while I slept on the floor next to the bed. I was rudely woken up in the middle of the night to her rolling over and vomiting on my face. FML

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By anonamous - United States

Today, I found out that my wife gave me head lice on purpose so I would have to cut off the ponytail that I've been growing since '99. FML

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By Newly Minted Canuck

Today, my daughter found a hair baked into the crust of her pizza. Grossed out, she put it down the garbage disposal, but I told her to dig it out so we could get a refund. After dinner, she came looking for the saved pizza crust. I was baffled about where it was until I realized I'd eaten it. FML

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By hungry - United States

Today, my mom asked me if I had an eating problem because I've been eating less. I only started eating less because she told me I ate too much. FML

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By Banana - Puerto Rico

Today, I was riding the train and someone farted. Everyone looked at me. People always blame farts on the fat guy. FML

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By FML - United States - Oak Lawn

Today, I took my boyfriend to dinner to meet my parents. He agreed to be on his best behavior, but when my mom told us about some shady stuff going on at her job, he replied that it sounded "fishier than Justin Bieber's cunt." We were quickly kicked out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newville

Today, the nerves for my finals got so bad that I started stress-cleaning in my dream. FML

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By lonelyguy - Puerto Rico

Today, I invited my crush to come and spend thanksgiving dinner with me and my family, she agreed but asked me if she could bring her friend. Turns out her "friend" was actually her boyfriend and they drank all the expensive wine I bought. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Newmarket

Today, I now accept how stupid I was to marry a man whose plans for the future all start with "When I win the lottery..." FML

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By Crushed

Today, the girl I've had a crush on for months invited me on a group hiking trip, just so that she wouldn't be the most out of shape person on the trail. FML

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By hickhick

Today, I went to the doctor's office for a regular check up. They found "odd red marks" on the inside of my thighs. They started to think it might be a skin disease, so I had to explain to my mother and the doctor that it was hickeys from my boyfriend. FML

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By pissed_off_girl - United States - Falls Church

Today, I had to proof-read a terrible paper containing a bunch of mistakes. It took me 4 hours and I didn't eat dinner until I was done. His response when he got it back was, "What the fuck did you do to my paper?! You bitch!" FML

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By rob

Today, I admitted to my girlfriend that I'd kissed another girl five days before we got together. She told me, "That's OK, I slept with my boss last week." FML

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By mass message - Canada

Today, my mom left for a business trip. Thinking it was a good time to throw a party, I mass messaged everyone on my contact list. I thought it was going to be a success. The problem with this? My mom is on my contacts list. She replied "I'll be home in an hour. You're grounded." FML

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By DeepTaccer - United Kingdom

Today, I was sucking on a Tic Tac. Just as I was starting to get into it, the Tic-Tac suddenly shot down my throat. After a minute of coughing and gagging, it came back up... out my left nostril. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I noticed my dog chewing on something while on the couch. It looked like a wash rag of some sort, so I grabbed it from my dog. It wasn't until after I picked it up that I noticed it wasn't a wash rag. It was a small, dead bird. FML

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By jaleesadavis21 - United States

Today, while I was in the shower, my older brother thought it would be funny to change the language on my phone to Serbo-Croatian. I don't know how and can't change it back. FML

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By Jess56 - United States

Fun is overrated

Today, I met the exchange student who will be living with us for a year. As we were talking, she told me that she doesn't like reading, writing, drawing, athletics, watching television or listening to music. What does she like to do during her free time? Study. It's going to be a long year. FML

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By bntje - Netherlands - Holten

Today, my sister went into a blind rage at me for "upstaging" her by announcing that I'm pregnant, two months after she did the same. My husband and I have been trying for two years. She's in high school and doesn't even know who the father is. FML

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By woah - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me how women could urinate with a tampon in. FML

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By BoomHeadshot - Australia

Today, I was trying to sneak home from a party. Instead, I head-butted a glass door and woke my mother up. FML

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By Inthedumps - United States - Jerseyville

Today, my boss is still refusing to hire any more people because he's convinced I can handle all of the work after the majority of staff quit. FML

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By bug20 - United States - Wooster

Today, I received an almost $400 bill for Internet services I don't even have. When I called and talk to them they told me I still owe them $77 because I didn't catch it within 3 months. FML

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By Welcome to Florida

Psssssych!

Today, my son's glasses were missing. My bathroom is not well lit, but I noticed something sticking out from under the toilet seat. I excitedly grabbed it, thinking I saw the band of the glasses. Nope, it was a snake. FML

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By Anonymous

It's only a bit of liquid fun, come on!

Today, I asked the guy I'm dating if he could not drink on our next date, because he ends up drunk-driving every time. His response was, "This isn't working out." FML

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By Machine - Japan

Today, I asked to borrow my fat friend's pants for a semi-formal activity tomorrow. I figured I'd just get a belt to hold the pants up. Turns out, the pants fit me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I accidentally twisted my balls in my own underwear so badly that I had to be hospitalized. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, while working as a barista, a customer asked me for "gluten free milk". When I told her that most milk is gluten free, she flew into a fit of rage and cussed me out for being a "cheeky bitch". My manager then lectured me about not being "patronising" to customers. FML

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By dontgivemechecks - 16/3/2020 14:00

The customer is sometimes devious

Today, I found out that I accidentally returned a customer her $147 check she had written out to pay for her groceries and receive cash back. The lady got free groceries and money, and I'm now losing my job. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my mum was in a bad mood, so I tried to cheer her up by telling her I love her, and giving her a hug. She slapped me hard enough to leave a red, hand-shaped mark on my face, and told me to fuck off with my "sarcasm". FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had to help pick a jury for trial. I had to do a roll call to make sure that everyone was present. I stood up in front of a packed courtroom and said, “Okay, I’m going to do a roll call to make sure that everyone is here and pregnant.” Everyone laughed at me. FML

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By Steve-noh

All in a day's work.

Today, at my job as a waiter I sharted myself while taking an order. They tipped me $20 and wrote "for new underwear" on the receipt. FML

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By billy - United States - Wellesley Hills

Today, I dislocated my toe while putting on my socks. FML

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By nurse - Norway

Boing!

Today, I was giving a patient an injection when I heard a cracking sound and the needle was gone. Panicking, I got a doctor to have a look. The patient was sent to have x-rays to find the needle in her thigh. I then noticed the springback system in the syringe. FML

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By FlyAwayPlease - United Kingdom - Mold

Today, the boy that I met online six months ago and expressed my love to sent me a picture of himself and confessed how old he really was: thirteen. I'm eighteen years old and holding a steady job. FML

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Top comments

By losergirl | 0

#237186 - Wednesday 27 May 2009 23:03

...lime green poop?
Is she radioactive or something? Or does she just eat too many popsicles?

By Curtieeeez | 0

#237233 - Wednesday 27 May 2009 23:09

Lime green? What the hell are you feeding your kid?

COMMENTS

By losergirl | 0

#237186 - Wednesday 27 May 2009 23:03

...lime green poop?
Is she radioactive or something? Or does she just eat too many popsicles?

edogy | 0

#2935182 - Wednesday 20 July 2011 5:32

that's such a shitty situation op.

*waits for thumbs down*

*cries in corner*

LaLince | 40

#5209425 - Monday 3 December 2012 5:37

lol

rocker_chick105 | 31

#5769139 - Tuesday 26 November 2013 21:53

Someone who yells "first" and another who says the shitty situation pun and doesn't get buried? Do my eyes deceive me?!

reshikrom | 14

#6424298 - Thursday 1 October 2015 5:40

My old biology teacher said she fed her baby blue trix yogurt and it produced lime green poop. Maybe that's what happened here.

By MMMMorshu | 0

#237190 - Wednesday 27 May 2009 23:04

wow, that sucks
1s*gets shot*
MMMMM

latkematzoball | 0

#457665 - Wednesday 5 August 2009 1:36

3- noooo, 3rd. dumbass

By b00mc1ap | 0

#237193 - Wednesday 27 May 2009 23:04

awww nasty...

talk about a shit job

By isthisonetaken | 0

#237196 - Wednesday 27 May 2009 23:04

how would u not feel shit on your shirt? and im assuming since you were wearing a blouse that you are a woman. i dont know any woman that dont run into the bathroom and to look at themselves before going into such a meeting.

bloomgirlbec | 6

#3581744 - Monday 14 November 2011 0:03

Wow. Stereotypical much?

BirdieCurls | 25

#5867494 - Monday 24 February 2014 17:01

pfft no every woman always checks herself out in the mirror before doing absolutely anything duh

OP- Lime green poop? You shouldn't be going to an interview, you should take that girl to the doctor... unless lime green is normal...?