Today, I had a friend over. We found my older brother's camera... - FML

By badbed - 11/12/2009 17:07 - United Kingdom

Today, I had a friend over. We found my older brother's camera so decided to look through his photos but then we came across photos of him and his girlfriend having sex. We were laughing up until my friend decided to point out that they were having sex on my bed. FML

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Great boyfriend

Compassion

Peaky Bladders

By Anonymous - 5/1/2014 05:30 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I was at a basketball game. Sitting in the bleachers, I looked over at my friend and said, "Number 33 has a really cute butt." The man in front of us turned around, looked me dead in the eye, and said, "Thanks." Number 33's dad was a very proud father. FML

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By Margo - 15/11/2011 15:16 - United States

Today, my daughter-in-law taught my 4-year-old grandson to burst into tears and yell, "Am I not good enough for you?" whenever I ask her if she's going to have any more children. FML

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By wow - 30/10/2014 22:05 - United States - Turlock

Today, my mom spelled my name with all lowercase letters. When I asked her why she wrote it like that, she got pissed and snapped back, "Capitals are for people who amount to something." FML

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By dynah114 - 27/1/2013 19:08 - Israel - Petah Tiqva

Today, at my cousin's birthday party, my grandma took me to one side, slipped me a pad, and started ranting that tampons "steal your virginity" and that I should never use them. Well, okay then. FML

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By What? - 22/1/2013 19:00 - Australia

Today, I found out my ten year old brother and his best friend have taught our new parrot to say, "Shut up, bitch." We have a bunch of our extended family coming over tomorrow to see what the parrot can say. FML

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By Aunjy - 5/5/2013 20:49 - United States - Marmora

Today, I babysat a 4-year-old child for my neighbor. It seems he had diarrhea. The evidence of this is in his pants, down his leg, on the couch, on the bathroom floor, smeared on my wall, and in the shape of a brown handprint on my shirt. FML

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By Heifer - 16/5/2009 21:41 - United States

Today, when done feeding my newborn, I stated to my husband that I'm a cow. He said, in a sincere tone, "Oh, baby, you'll lose the weight soon." I meant cow because I'm producing so much milk. FML

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By Brian - 23/12/2009 02:53 - United States

Today, my girlfriend wished me a happy birthday. Too bad my birthday isn't for 5 months. She mixed up my birthday with the guy she's been cheating on me with. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/4/2009 20:46 - United States

Today, I was in a hurry to get to work. I pulled impatiently behind a long line of cars to make a right hand turn. I sat there for 5 minutes. Turns out there wasn't a line to make a right hand turn. I had been waiting behind a line of parked cars. FML

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By crippled - 8/7/2014 08:40 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I helped my dad push our broken-down truck from the driveway onto the tire ramp. Truck didn't make it; neither did my leg. FML

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By TheEnglishOne - 23/1/2009 00:42 - United States

Today, in class, I asked my teacher for a "rubber". I didn't realise that in America "rubber" doesn't mean "eraser", it means condom. FML

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By Anon - 18/8/2010 04:30 - United States

Today, I discovered that my name literally means "burden". This wouldn't be so bad if both my mother and father knew this when they named me. FML

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By Tree - 30/7/2010 11:34 - France

Today, my husband told me "The only reason I stay with you is because it's cheaper than paying child support." FML

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By catwoman - 31/10/2009 04:34 - Australia

Today, I learned why my bathroom has a horrible, seemingly irremovable stench. My cat doesn't squat to pee like a normal cat. She stands up, peeing over the side of the litter tray all over the wall and floor, which are now a permanent yellow tinge. FML

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By fuck - 18/3/2015 17:40 - Netherlands

Today, I went to the store to buy some condoms. I couldn't find them anywhere, so I nervously asked a staff member for help. She scowled, pointed at the shelf directly behind me, and told me to "Get a life. Or better pickup lines." I'll never live down the snickers from the other customers. FML

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By someonesomething - 5/12/2009 11:24 - United States

Today, one of the comic companies I submitted to, replied back. They said that the story was boring, and the main character bland, generic, uncultured, had no potential for personal growth, a suburbanite, and an ignorant shut-in. I based the personality of the main character on my own. FML

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By NotYourToy - 27/1/2016 07:59 - United States - Binghamton

Today, a customer scared me for the sole purpose of watching my breasts jiggle when I jumped in surprise. I know because his head moved as they did, and he said, "Nice." before walking away. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2016 15:05

Today, I went to my stepdad's funeral. He was the most important person in my life, but it didn't stop my stepsister angrily saying, "Why are you crying? He wasn't even your real dad." FML

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By niii - 26/11/2008 04:26 - France

Today, as I often do, I had a shag in my old car. I am 25, my boyfriend is 28 and we are still living at our parents' house. FML

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By Bad parenting101 - 8/1/2017 03:23 - United States - Denver

Today, my son shaved his eyebrows. Two days ago, I caught my 10-year-old daughter watching porn. I'm totally winning at parenting. FML

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By cbolig - 3/5/2011 12:15

Today, while on a first date with a guy who turned out to be twice my age, we were playing video games at the theatre before the movie started. Suddenly he falls face first while having a seizure. The EMT asked if my "dad" had a history of epilepsy. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/6/2014 22:44 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I went on a date with a guy I've had a crush on for ages. Midway through the meal, he sighed and said, "I'll be honest, this is a horrible date. You got zero personality and I'm too lazy to do a window escape, so..." He then got up and walked out. FML

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By aXel - 13/10/2008 08:29

Today, my dog was watching me and started to have a hard-on, for half an hour. FML

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By Uggghhh - 9/5/2017 02:00

Today, I'm sitting at the vet's office while they run expensive tests on my cat. This is to make sure he doesn't have a bowel obstruction from eating the condom that my partner and I used last night. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2020 14:00

Hmmm, nutritious!

Today, I'm in the coronavirus-vulnerable group, so I asked my friend to go shopping for me because I'm in need of food and toilet paper. They came back with a bag of icing sugar, even though food and toilet paper were available in the shop. Forty minutes later, the shelves were stripped bare. FML

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By kjmsit - 16/6/2009 04:38 - United States

Today, I reached into my fridge to grab a strawberry soda. I noticed the can had started to leak from the top so I slurped up the spilt red liquid on the top of the can. I realized it wasn't soda, but blood from a defrosting steak on the shelf above it. FML

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By LindsayK - 9/4/2009 06:18 - United States

Today, my step-mother threw a surprise party on my acceptance to college. People kept telling me how delightfully shocked and happy they are for me. "UPenn" was written everywhere, when I really got into Penn State. Everyone thinks I'm going to an Ivy League. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2013 06:10 - United States - Batesville

Today, I decided to change my hair color. After waiting in anticipation, I took a shower to rinse out the dye and reveal my new, blue hair. Rinsing revealed not only blue hair, but blue skin caused by the watered dye running over my body. I now look like a smurf, and it's not coming out. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2009 02:21 - United States

Today, my five year old daughter came up to me and asked, "Mom, why are we so poor?" I replied, in a sweet motherly tone "Honey, we're not poor." She then asked, "Then why do you dress like we are poor?" FML

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By Pumpkin - 18/7/2009 02:00 - United States

Today, I found out that my son is not really gay. He just told me that so I'd let him have girls in his bedroom. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/5/2018 01:30

Today, I married my best friend in the whole world at a small romantic venue. By that I mean I married my actual best mate while completely hammered at a drive-through wedding chapel. My fiancée is gonna kill me when she finds out. FML

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By Pandistoteles - 14/4/2015 21:17 - United States

Today, I took my 5-year-old daughter to the play place at McDonalds but I had to keep her busy, instead of letting her play. A mom was teaching her 3-year-old daughter how to pole dance, using the play place's poles. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2017 08:00 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I called and went downtown after the city incorrectly issued fines against my property and threatened jail time for violating city ordinances, not paying fines, and not filing permits. They told me that, until fines are paid, they cannot correct a thing even though they got the address wrong. FML

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By Jobby - 30/6/2012 12:48

Today, I have four flights. I spent last night projectile vomiting with food poisoning. By the time I got to the airport it had progressed to liquid diarhea. Two flights in, I got my period. FML

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By Username - 20/6/2011 15:57 - United States

Today, I had to pick my parents up from jail. They thought it would be okay to have sex behind a bush. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/4/2015 03:23 - United States

Today, my little sister filled the huge house I spent over a week building in Minecraft with TNT. She then demanded I give her all the money in my wallet, or she'd blow it all up. She's now $86.25 richer, and my parents think it's too hilarious to make her give me my money back. FML

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By nowimbroketoo - 22/7/2013 17:47 - Australia - Beaumaris

Today, the guy whose son I babysat for six hours straight confessed to being broke, then actually asked if he could pay me with sex instead. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2013 22:29 - Mexico - Mexico

Today, I tried to give my husband a striptease for his birthday. I wound up tripping over my own panties and nearly dislocating my shoulder. FML

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By clumsyandhungry - 15/9/2010 04:24 - United States

Today, we were closing the restaurant early. I begin mopping as a couple walks in. The lady slips and falls, and to avoid a lawsuit, we offer them free food. After they left, I slipped on the freshly mopped kitchen floor with dishes in my hands. I didn't get free food. FML

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By snortingspunk - 3/12/2015 12:52 - South Africa

Today, I gave my boyfriend a blowjob for the first time. He came. A lot. I doubt I'll remember it as anything other than, "The day I found out what sneezing semen feels like." FML

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Top comments

By rebel_yell_tiny | 0

#715674 - Friday 11 December 2009 23:22

Even though it sucks they were having it on your bed, you really shouldn't have been looking through his stuff..

By ccathleen_ | 0

#715695 - Friday 11 December 2009 23:30

Go have sex on their bed.

COMMENTS

By rebel_yell_tiny | 0

#715674 - Friday 11 December 2009 23:22

Even though it sucks they were having it on your bed, you really shouldn't have been looking through his stuff..

Reply

ninjacapo | 2

#988945 - Friday 7 May 2010 3:45

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

bensharp | 5

#4228608 - Wednesday 28 March 2012 21:44

43-anger management problems?

Reply

SookyLala | 13

#6204906 - Tuesday 17 February 2015 11:30

#43 lol bro you sound like a dopey try hard

By xMrAndyTranx | 4

#715679 - Friday 11 December 2009 23:24

That's what you get for snooping

Reply

nitrogirl | 0

#1000272 - Friday 21 May 2010 7:11

blackmail!!!!!! btw go wash yer sheets

By ccathleen_ | 0

#715695 - Friday 11 December 2009 23:30

Go have sex on their bed.

Reply

mackischillin | 5

#5300119 - Monday 31 December 2013 20:30

One forgot one key point, maybe she can't find a guy to have sex with her.

By ihatedads | 0

#715696 - Friday 11 December 2009 23:31

wash your bed sheets ?

By KamilleBlack | 3

#715714 - Friday 11 December 2009 23:47

Don't dig in ur bros stuff. Oh, yeah, and kick him in the balls. Let's see him try to have sex in ur bed now xD

By ILoveMyLifeSoMuc | 0

#715724 - Friday 11 December 2009 23:57

lol great fml

By Esnedon | 0

#715768 - Saturday 12 December 2009 0:40

That's great, but who took the photos? A ghost?

By MrMaD_fml | 2

#715770 - Saturday 12 December 2009 0:41

...just bust a nut on his pillow and call it even.

Reply

lilmslady | 11

#5978605 - Tuesday 17 June 2014 19:01

i wish i could like this more than oncr

By soccer4ever7 | 0

#715776 - Saturday 12 December 2009 0:52

why would he take pics of it?

By 1990TD | 6

#715784 - Saturday 12 December 2009 0:59

#7 ...retard, never seen how girls make pictures of themselves? Exactly, with one arm holding the camera. So while having sex, it's easy to stretch the arm and make photo's... silly you xD

Reply

xoxocourtney | 0

#817342 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 2:39

or they could have had it on like
fuuuck
what's it called
errrr
TIMER ! :)