Today, I had a dream where I was giving Justin Bieber a blowjob....

By honk honk, fuckwad - 6/11/2015 22:39 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had a dream where I was giving Justin Bieber a blowjob. I'm a totally straight male. I have half a mind to bill the little bastard for therapy sessions. FML

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Miscellaneous

No one likes a smart-ass

Time don't heal nothing

Who's a good boy?

By Anonymous - 18/9/2009 21:31 - United States

Today, I was in my psychology class taking the hardest test ever. After I spent most of the period trying to fill in the few answers that I knew, I looked up to see everyone with their notebooks on their desks. It was an open-note test. FML

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By AintEasyBeinWheezy - 28/4/2016 18:26 - United States

Today, while driving me to the hospital because I was having an asthma attack, my mother lit a cigarette. FML

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By eww657 - 16/12/2009 15:43 - United Kingdom

Today, it's the first evening that my husband and I will have without the kids in 8 months. We had been looking forward to it for ages, and my husband had even bought me some lovely new lingerie for the occasion. Guess what? I just got diarrhea. FML

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By thats_not_good - 28/5/2009 18:15 - United States

Today, I was getting my first tattoo done. My parents told me it was a bad idea. My friends' parents told me it was a bad idea. I told them that people get tattoos done all the time and nothing goes wrong. 50 min into the tattoo on my back, the artist says "Oh shit, shit, shit. We can fix this." FML

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By clumsy - 26/11/2015 05:35 - United States - Warrenton

Today, I realized why "Stay off the grass" signs were all over campus. I cut through the grass on my way to my next class and tripped over a sprinkler head, breaking it off and soaking myself in muddy water. I had to sit through a 4-hour lecture with wet, muddy clothes. FML

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By so jealous - 27/4/2020 05:00

Goodbye phone

Today, I was FaceTiming a good friend of mine from back home, telling her how good she looked and how happy I was to hear from her. My insanely jealous girlfriend snatched my phone and smashed it on the ground. I was saying my friend looked good because she'd just finished chemo. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/5/2017 22:00 - United States - Westerville

Today, I saw a dead ant. It made me think about how brief and fragile life is, why we're all here, and whether it has a point. It was a piece of lint. FML

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By Oops - 25/2/2017 00:00 - Australia - Belmore

Today, my very quiet and sexually innocent boyfriend said, "I want to be inside you." I was so startled that all I could reply was, "Oh, thanks." FML

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By CheesyCasey - 30/5/2013 00:51 - United States - Detroit

Today, my workplace was issued aprons. I then became the first and only employee in the history of the business to set an apron on fire while using the grill. FML

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By aherdofpigs - 2/9/2013 19:22 - United States

Today, I'm trapped in my apartment. My new cat won't let me leave. Every time I try, he blocks the door, hisses and tries to savage me. I'm my own cat's bitch. FML

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By GaymerLink - 12/8/2018 23:30

Today, my boss reprimanded me for not meeting my sales goals and is sending me to a two week training program. I don’t work in sales. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2013 20:23 - Germany

Today, my girlfriend bought herself a brand new iPad and iPod Touch, and returned my aging iPod and Kindle, which she constantly steals for her own use. She considers it my Valentine's Day present. FML

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By Bridget - 6/5/2012 18:01 - United Kingdom

Today, I married the man of my dreams. While I was being driven to our wedding reception, I checked my Facebook. My husband had just updated his status to "Me and the bitch just got hitched." FML

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By hashtag67 - 5/11/2016 09:08

Today, I taught my first seminar as a teaching assistant. I prepared for hours and rehearsed and discussed it with the professor. Two students fell asleep, I said "shit" twice and I froze mid-sentence, then said, "Sorry guys, I have no idea what I'm saying." FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2011 04:30 - Ireland

Today, I had to repeat my order in Starbucks three times because the barista was staring at my chest. FML

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By Marty - 10/10/2017 13:00 - United States - Irving

Today, I bought a small bottle of liquor to share with my husband to celebrate our move. It took 3 hours at the store as the cashier, manager, GM, and a police officer checked my ID believing it was fake. I'm 25. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2012 20:15 - Canada

Today, my mother was leaving the house to attend her sister's funeral. Just as she was walking out the door, my brain experienced the most horrific shart imaginable, and I uttered through my reassuring smile, "Have a blast." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2015 23:22 - Sweden - Uppsala

Today, while walking to my flat, I spotted something white hanging over the handle bar of my parked bike. It was a very used diaper. FML

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By phones - 16/1/2015 17:09 - United States

Today, I accidentally spilled a big glass of water on the table, where I had some papers, my cellphone, and a box of donuts. With lightning reflexes, my sister heroically jumped forward and saved the donuts. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2019 06:00

They'll hear you coming

Today, I was diagnosed with exercise-induced asthma. I wanted to be a cop. FML

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By Tasji - 27/7/2009 06:24 - Canada

Today, I sent in a fake story to a website that supports a yearly festival in my small town thinking it would boost their spirits. It was how my boyfriend proposed to me at last year's festival. Now the local news station wants to do a story about it. FML

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By DogStew - 12/9/2019 18:00

Scooby snacks?

Today, I had to watch my niece’s puppy. The darn dog kept finding turds in the yard and eating them. One turd had worms in it. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/9/2014 20:07 - United States

Today, I was eating a hot fudge sundae and I complained that the fudge was at the very bottom and I couldn't reach it with my spoon. My husband muttered "Fat girl problems." FML

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By Noname - 24/2/2009 23:00 - United States

Today, I got up early and really put some extra effort into my appearance to catch the eye of a cute guy at work. I walked in and the woman that sits in the desk beside me looks over and says, "wow, are you sick? You're not looking too good." FML

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By alerra - 20/1/2020 14:00 - United States - Baton Rouge

Not mine

Today, my roommate's parents came over to our one room apartment. They found condom wrappers. My roommate tried to say they were mine. I'm still a virgin. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2011 06:32 - United States

Today, I after getting off the bus, I realized that the man I was talking to was distracting me so his "buddy" could steal my wallet. FML

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By ZeldaovaPeach - 5/7/2016 12:44 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I received an envelope with my name written in beautiful writing in my mailbox. I just moved in the day before and hadn't given the address to anyone or met my neighbors yet so I was a bit surprised by it, even more surprised to find nothing but a dick pic inside. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/8/2013 04:48 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my little brother grabbed my boobs and wouldn't let go until I pried his hands off. When I told my mom, her response was, "Get over it. He's a little kid who doesn't know any better." He's 14 years old. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2018 13:30

Today, in addition to having to deal with chronic pain that keeps me from driving for more than 10 minutes, I now have to deal with my brother who thinks I'm not paying him enough for taking me to school 2 days a week, when he does the journeys for himself anyway. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2015 05:32 - United States - Alexandria Bay

Today, the small plane I was on almost crashed, all because the pilot's girlfriend figured out mid-flight that he's been cheating on her, causing her to start screaming abuse and furiously beating him. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/11/2018 05:00

Today, my ex-wife, who I have a 1000-yard restraining order against since she threatened my new wife and our kids, moved into a house down the street. The police say they can't do anything because her house is more than 1000 yards from mine. It's 1012 yards away. FML

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By MrT - 11/6/2018 15:00

Today, I phoned my bank. The person wouldn't speak to me about my account as I "sound female" despite being a year 30-old-male. They had to get a supervisor and listen to recordings of past calls to believe me. This isn't the first time I've been mistaken for a girl on the phone. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/1/2016 10:33 - United States - Antioch

Today, my girlfriend furiously bitched me out because I got more upset about my phone screen cracking than when she told me about the death of her cat. We hadn't even met when her cat died. Did she expect me to burst into tears from hearing the story? Guess who's single again! FML

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By Courtney - 12/11/2011 21:13 - United States

Today, only after I almost knocked myself out cold with the shampoo bottle, did I finally get some out. FML

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By nomoreart - 9/2/2011 00:30 - United States

Today, I was working on my art portfolio. I had drawn a self-portrait. When I was satisfied, I wanted to show my parents. They thought it was a drawing of a bear. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2012 23:12 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, I wanted nothing more than to go home and get into bed. While I was unlocking my front door, the flimsy key snapped off inside the lock. A locksmith was called out, who did nothing but sadistically guffaw at my misfortune and crack sarcastic jokes as he undid the lock. FML

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By holyshart - 5/6/2012 09:03 - United States

Today, I walked in on my roommate trying to smoke a Mars bar. FML

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By Anon - 18/5/2011 11:47 - United States

Today, we got a new dry-erase board, and I drew the Gotham City skyline complete with the Bat Signal. Later, I went downstairs, only to find my mom had written "BATMAN'S GAY" over the top of the picture. FML

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By nickern - 8/2/2012 00:13 - Australia

Today, I was willing to sit behind a truck doing 10km/h just to hear an interview with Robbie Williams on the radio. FML

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By burgerpants - 8/5/2018 19:30 - United States - Stamford

Today, I was feeling down so I thought I'd order a burger to cheer myself up. The website I ordered from featured Instagram pics of their customers. My ex and the guy she cheated on me with were front and center. FML

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Top comments

By jonomc | 12

#6455747 - Saturday 7 November 2015 8:54

This whole FML leaves a bad taste in the mouth.

By allforfun | 23

#6455732 - Saturday 7 November 2015 8:50

At least you didn't wake up next to him

Comments

By lexiieeex3 | 32

#6455727 - Saturday 7 November 2015 8:49

Well they say dreams can act as catalysts for reality...

mohamed_H | 21

#6455828 - Saturday 7 November 2015 11:19

Justin bieber has a penis ? Must be a tranny

wanted_2_want | 40

#6455979 - Saturday 7 November 2015 17:04

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

bryce0110 | 23

#6457144 - Monday 9 November 2015 7:07

Just because he had a gay dream doesn't make him gay, dreams can be completely random.

By Mackade | 18

#6455730 - Saturday 7 November 2015 8:50

Could have been a nightmare.

Lalala579121 | 27

#6455761 - Saturday 7 November 2015 9:01

Certainly seems like one to me.

motortcitymoses | 8

#6457134 - Monday 9 November 2015 6:38

Definitely!

Krycek_fml | 19

#6494885 - Sunday 27 December 2016 23:11

I think that goes beyond nightmare.

By allforfun | 23

#6455732 - Saturday 7 November 2015 8:50

At least you didn't wake up next to him

firefighter925 | 18

#6455797 - Saturday 7 November 2015 9:39

*her

ThatHorse | 15

#6455798 - Saturday 7 November 2015 9:42

*it

Mpii | 11

#6455948 - Saturday 7 November 2015 16:03

The post doesn't state that he didn't ;)

By tlnorman | 18

#6455733 - Saturday 7 November 2015 8:51

Do it he can afford it.

aceking602 | 11

#6456482 - Sunday 8 November 2015 7:23

are you an idiot you can't bill someone for therapy cause your a gay guy

Xamry14 | 10

#6456523 - Sunday 8 November 2015 7:56

Your apparently the moron. First off joke. Second off dreams don't make you gay. Dreams are random as fuck

theplaguedkitten | 5

#6456655 - Sunday 8 November 2015 12:23

sometimes in my dreams im a magical time traveling fox... but then i have to wake up.

NickACD | 27

#6457113 - Monday 9 November 2015 5:32

I love you

By Glassdragons | 15

#6455736 - Saturday 7 November 2015 8:52

your subconcious is telling you something mate. #lovewins

Metalslipp | 15

#6455793 - Saturday 7 November 2015 9:30

I once had dreams similar in subject where I was extremely attracted to the way this train looked. My subconscious is definitely trying to tell me something.