Miscellaneous: Today, I had a dream where I was giving Justin Bieber a blowjob....

By honk honk, fuckwad - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had a dream where I was giving Justin Bieber a blowjob. I'm a totally straight male. I have half a mind to bill the little bastard for therapy sessions. FML

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Miscellaneous

There's no helping some people

Doomed

Boom, headshot

By Anonymous - United States - Baton Rouge

No BigMac for you

Today, after months of searching for any kind of work, I finally received a call. It was McDonald's, but they said I was overqualified for the position. I thought they took anyone with a heart rate. Apparently not. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, a customer asked a question I couldn’t answer. I asked if she would wait while I consulted someone else, but she spat in my face and stormed off. My manager saw, wrote me up for refusing to help, and gave the woman a gift card for her troubles. FML

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By - France

Today, I have dark hairs growing on my chest, nipples and stomach... I'm a 19 year old girl. FML

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36342

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2020 23:00

Go back to bed, Brad

Today, I noticed that when my boyfriend is sick, his sex drive goes through the roof. Too bad his stamina plummets. FML

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1547

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By ihaveissues

Today, the handle on our front door broke, leaving us unable to open it. We got a guy to come to sort it out, but all he succeeded in doing was completely wrecking the door. He says he can come back next week. We have no other way out of the house. FML

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3122

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By furred - Philippines

Today, I was playing an online game in nothing but my boxers, when suddenly a girl joined my team. I immediately felt embarrassed and put some pants on. There were no webcams involved. I need to get out more. FML

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By mile high clubber - United States - Bensalem

Today, while on the airplane, the cute girl next to me and I instantly hit it off. When I excused myself to the bathroom, I must have given her the wrong impression. She wanted to join the mile high club; I just wanted to take a crap. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at work and I had to take a dump. Since I was the only person in the bathroom, I started singing, "I'm taking a poopy-poop poop poop poop." I was not the only person in the bathroom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I picked the treadmill next to an old man so I could feel better about myself. He ran faster and longer than I did. FML

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By YouAssholes - United States - Anaheim

Today, my band members and I were brainstorming ideas to help increase our fan base. My drummer suggested they replace me for someone attractive. Everyone agreed and now they are trying to kick me out of the band I started. FML

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By bloodyhell - 15/3/2020 15:05 - United States

Good God, man…

Today, my dad tried to convert me, as he has numerous times before, and asked me why I was an atheist. After giving him a polite explanation and asking him if we could drop the subject, he nodded slowly and said, "You must be menstruating or something. You'll change your mind." FML

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1653

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By Anonymous - United States - Waterville

Today, I had to babysit both my neighbor's 3-year-old daughter and my very pregnant cat. I left the room briefly, only to come back to a traumatized 3-year-old crying in horror as my cat gave birth in front of her. FML

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37454

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a bunch of friends and I went skinny dipping in a pond. The guys all grabbed the ladies' underpants and waved then around. My bloody pad was inside of one of them. FML

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28778

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By titsmcgee - United States - Oak Brook

Today, the CEO of my company leaned over and said, "Hey, I've been meaning to thank you…" I thought he was going to thank me for all of my hard work, but he continued, "…for wearing that shirt today. I can totally see your boobs." FML

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37084

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By ChaoticGamer - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up to a horrible smell only to realize that my dog had peed all over my leg cast during the night. I can't get another one because the closest doctors are all on Christmas vacation. Guess this is an early Christmas present from my dog. FML

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23707

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By Anonymous - United States - Sacramento

Today, my boyfriend told me I was almost perfect. And the only reason I'm not completely perfect is because I don't like Mountain Dew. FML

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20279

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By JaneVI - United Kingdom

Today, I got an e-mail from my seminar tutor asking why I wasn't in class. I was sitting next to him. FML

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30909

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By Anonymous - 14/6/2020 23:02

Bullshit reason

Today, my husband wants a divorce. His reason, so he claims, is that he went to see a card reader a few months ago and she told him our relationship would not last. Apparently, our astrological signs or something are not compatible, so he thinks we shouldn't waste our time. We have been married for 8 years. FML

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1772

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By Embarrassed Daughter - United States - Erlanger

Mom Jokes FTW

Today, as we were going through airport security, my mom tried to joke with the person searching her bag, saying, "Just don't take out my vibrator!" She practically shouted it for the whole line to hear. FML

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3217

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By AHole - United States - Grand Forks

Today, the car in front of me in the drop-off area at my son's school parked, and the driver got out. I basically leaned on my horn and gave her every dirty look in the book. She said nothing but stared at me as she opened the back of her van to unload her child's wheelchair. I'm an asshole. FML

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10796

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By Elrond Hubbard - United States

Today, I drove my dad to Walmart to do some shopping. His leg is still in a cast after an accident, so I helped him to the last mobility scooter. A guy whose only disability was clearly Fat-Fuck Syndrome then yelled at us, claiming he needed it more and that my dad was a faker. FML

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37938

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By FangirlMess6 - United States

Today, I saw a man stuck in his car door by his jacket. I ran over to help him, and his wife hit me with her purse. FML

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3752

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my sister stopped by to visit me with her pet bird in tow. She asked me to hold the animal while she went to the toilet, and put it on my shoulder. It promptly shat on my only clean shirt and tore away a good deal of skin from my hand when I tried to get it off me. FML

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By babylove - South Africa

Today, I'm in the process of adopting a child. When I called my mom to tell her the news, she just said, "Oh honey, don't adopt, it's the worst decision you'll ever make." I'm adopted. FML

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53043

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By hastobeajoke - United States

Today, I submitted my 208th job application in less than a year, and went to my 83rd and 84th interviews, only to be told once again that I'm over-qualified for the first, and under-qualified for the second. FML

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34808

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By crystalpistol - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, right after I turned down an amazing job opportunity in another location, just so I could be with him. FML

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33795

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By hard - Canada

Today, I was at the grocery store and this hot guy was staring at my ass, so I smiled at him. My mother noticed he was checking my ass out, and she approached him and said "I know she has a big ass, but it's rude to stare, son." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Troy

Today, I saw some pretty heinous graffiti on the urinal stall at school, so I opted to scribble it out. A supervisor came in the second the pen touched the stall. Now I have detention and have to scrub the entire stall clean as a "lesson". FML

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4276

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By Jess - United States

Today, I overheard my 5 year old daughter call a girl in her dance class a slut. Shocked, I asked her where she heard that word. Her response: "I heard you and Daddy say it about her Mommy." FML

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By Anonymous - 7/7/2020 02:02

I need it

Today, I wore crotchless panties to bed and my boyfriend didn't notice. It's been 10 months since we've had sex. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my mother-in-law asked if she could move in with us. FML

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39535

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at my boyfriend's cousin's birthday party, I was hanging around with his sister as I didn't know anyone. She was talking to some friends when one of them asked her, "So, is your brother still going out with that crazy chick?" Her answer was to introduce me. FML

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By likecomeon - United States - Glendale

Today, I figured out why my 'best friend' hasn't talked to me in weeks. She assumed an FML post she read was about her. It was posted in 2009. I met her last year. FML

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26825

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By Anonymous

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend in public. She happily said yes, and the surrounding crowd cheered for us. About 10 minutes later, after the excitement died down, she leaned over and quietly said, "Actually, I don't want to marry you. I only said yes so I wouldn't disappoint the crowd." FML

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79769

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By Ohkourt - 20/4/2020 05:00

Mommy dearest

Today, I woke up only to find my half-naked drunk mother in my living room, talking in her sleep about how much she hates me. She still doesn't see what's wrong with this picture. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, three days before their rent was due, my fiancé's friends moved out of our basement without saying a word to us. On their way out, they took an envelope from my locked desk with $800 in it that was for our wedding in six months. FML

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By mike4444 - France

Today, I bought myself a flower for Valentine's Day to be delivered to myself from "Anonymous". FML

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13617

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By dummy - United States

Today, while babysitting a five year old, I found a cartoon called Metalocalypse for him to watch while I made dinner. I didn't realize it was an "adult" cartoon until afterwards. He watched a whole episode about a clown with a cocaine problem. FML

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15514

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By thatchick3333 - United States

Today, I got burned, all because the toaster scared me while I was holding a pot of boiling water. FML

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24412

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By stressedandcrowded - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that my sister is going to spend the last two months of her pregancy in my house to be with my mother. She's bringing with her her three wild children. The visit also happens to coincide with my end of year examinations in May and June. FML

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Top comments

By jonomc | 12

#6455747 - Saturday 7 November 2015 8:54

This whole FML leaves a bad taste in the mouth.

By allforfun | 23

#6455732 - Saturday 7 November 2015 8:50

At least you didn't wake up next to him

COMMENTS

By lexiieeex3 | 32

#6455727 - Saturday 7 November 2015 8:49

Well they say dreams can act as catalysts for reality...

mohamed_H | 21

#6455828 - Saturday 7 November 2015 11:19

Justin bieber has a penis ? Must be a tranny

wanted_2_want | 40

#6455979 - Saturday 7 November 2015 17:04

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

bryce0110 | 23

#6457144 - Monday 9 November 2015 7:07

Just because he had a gay dream doesn't make him gay, dreams can be completely random.

By Mackade | 18

#6455730 - Saturday 7 November 2015 8:50

Could have been a nightmare.

Lalala579121 | 27

#6455761 - Saturday 7 November 2015 9:01

Certainly seems like one to me.

motortcitymoses | 8

#6457134 - Monday 9 November 2015 6:38

Definitely!

Krycek_fml | 19

#6494885 - Sunday 27 December 2015 23:11

I think that goes beyond nightmare.

By allforfun | 23

#6455732 - Saturday 7 November 2015 8:50

At least you didn't wake up next to him

firefighter925 | 18

#6455797 - Saturday 7 November 2015 9:39

*her

ThatHorse | 15

#6455798 - Saturday 7 November 2015 9:42

*it

Mpii | 11

#6455948 - Saturday 7 November 2015 16:03

The post doesn't state that he didn't ;)

By tlnorman | 18

#6455733 - Saturday 7 November 2015 8:51

Do it he can afford it.

aceking602 | 11

#6456482 - Sunday 8 November 2015 7:23

are you an idiot you can't bill someone for therapy cause your a gay guy

Xamry14 | 10

#6456523 - Sunday 8 November 2015 7:56

Your apparently the moron. First off joke. Second off dreams don't make you gay. Dreams are random as fuck

theplaguedkitten | 5

#6456655 - Sunday 8 November 2015 12:23

sometimes in my dreams im a magical time traveling fox... but then i have to wake up.

NickACD | 27

#6457113 - Monday 9 November 2015 5:32

I love you

By Glassdragons | 15

#6455736 - Saturday 7 November 2015 8:52

your subconcious is telling you something mate. #lovewins

Metalslipp | 15

#6455793 - Saturday 7 November 2015 9:30

I once had dreams similar in subject where I was extremely attracted to the way this train looked. My subconscious is definitely trying to tell me something.