Miscellaneous: Today, I had a date with this guy. I waited at the restaurant...

By soljaboy - 04/06/2009 17:09 - United States

Today, I had a date with this guy. I waited at the restaurant for an hour and he didn't show. Thinking he stood me up, I went over to his place and keyed his car. Then I realized the date was for tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 094

You deserved it 152 441

Miscellaneous

This Charming Man

Triage

The smell detective is on the case

By Dave - 23/04/2012 13:22 - United States - Brookfield

Today, I left my number on my receipt for a cute waitress. As I was leaving the bar, she came running out and called me over. I obviously got excited. Turns out I'd forgotten to sign my slip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 580

You deserved it 21 795

By salt. - 28/02/2012 22:04 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My fiancé decided to give me the gift of "freedom". That's how he put it, anyway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 112

You deserved it 2 626

By johnboy - 09/11/2010 17:08 - United States

Today, I went for a run. When I got home, no one was there so I took off my clothes and laid on the cool wood floor. I decided to call my girlfriend and we started talking in baby voices. That's when my mom walked into the house witnessing everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 813

You deserved it 37 015

Boundaries

By Anonymous - 14/10/2020 02:01

Today, I walked in on my parents, who are in their late 50s, having sex. That's not the worst part, it's understandable; we all have needs. However, I walked in on them doing it on my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 566

You deserved it 126

By now have a cat - 24/04/2014 20:52 - United States - Glenview

Today, the man sitting next to me on the train tried to sneak a dead cat into my bag while I was sleeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 742

You deserved it 3 948

Time is running out

By teachinginhell - 29/09/2021 08:00

Today, I'm a teacher at a primary school, with 20 schools in their network. A week before end of term assessments, they decided to move assessments a week early to allow them to observe data. I have 2 days to teach 2 chapters or my kids will lose 20% of the paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 844

You deserved it 84

By hipster glasses - 16/08/2013 11:08 - United States

Today, I was verbally abused by a customer at my job. Apparently, wearing "ugly, thick-framed hipster glasses as a fashion statement is a HUGE faux pas." These are my actual prescription glasses, and "faux pas" is not pronounced "fox paws". FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 577

You deserved it 3 710

By shoggoth_wild - 27/02/2015 14:13 - United States - Jackson

Today, my girlfriend and I were talking about times we'd made our mothers cry. She said she'd only made her mother cry once. When I asked when, she said, "When I told her I was thinking about dating you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 884

You deserved it 3 494

By Anonymous - 27/02/2010 03:14 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My best friend decided to have a birthday party for me at this new bar. She texted the wrong address to all of my friends. They showed up at a computer store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 833

You deserved it 2 776

By Toothless - 07/10/2009 05:43 - United States

Today, I was eating ice cream and struggling to chew a particularly hard chunk of chocolate. After finally breaking it into pieces, I spat it out because it tasted terrible. Then I discovered that I was missing my temporary crown. Now I have no upper molar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 051

You deserved it 6 376

By LogicalMolly - 13/12/2011 05:16 - United States

Today, it's the last day of finals week. Unfortunately the only test I've passed this week is the pregnancy test I took during my lunch break in a Subway bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 001

You deserved it 49 214

By Lazyuser2849 - 01/06/2016 05:02 - United States - Arlington

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. To this, she said, "You need to meet more people."FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 090

You deserved it 993

By I didn't though - 10/09/2015 04:07 - United States

Today, I arrived at a camp and met one of my roommates. At bedtime, I had energy still, so I did push-ups. The guy was asleep or so I thought because he was facing the wall. The guy thought I was jacking off and told everyone I did it in the middle of our room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 497

You deserved it 2 778

By Arrkyna - 23/08/2015 17:42

Today, I decided to upgrade to Windows 10. I wanted to keep my old files on the current hard drive, I clicked on the keep old files option. Thanks to Windows, I lost everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 720

You deserved it 5 687

By dez - 16/10/2016 05:05 - United States - Louisville

Today, I asked a customer to send me via e-mail the image he wanted me to print. He said, "I don't have an email, I have a Gmail." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 494

You deserved it 1 084

By Rainbow92 - 19/08/2009 23:43 - Bulgaria

Today, I decided I need help, so I confessed to my mother that I'm bulimic. After she looked it up online she started screaming at me for "Wasting food that I'm not paying for." FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 951

You deserved it 11 416

By ColdHeat - 16/04/2011 19:18 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I shared our first kiss. His partly digested nachos decided to make an appearance halfway through. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 226

You deserved it 4 622

By husbands addiction - 26/03/2014 18:00 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got billed for $80 of Justin Bieber music. It wouldn't have been so bad if it were my daughter who bought it all, instead of my husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 481

You deserved it 4 391

By sadphonegirl - 16/06/2012 13:44 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I remember that I changed my phone lock password when I was still half asleep this morning, but I don't remember what I changed it to. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 117

You deserved it 24 760

You hear me?

By cuz803 - 10/04/2021 20:00

Today, due to the lack of social interaction because of COVID-19, I began talking and acting aggressively to myself almost every moment. It's grown so noticeable that my parents and sister mimic me as a way to mock me. Family bonding for the win, right? FML

I agree, your life sucks 631

You deserved it 320

By Anonymous - 23/12/2016 08:23

Today, I had guests over for a Christmas party. One of them wore new blue jeans and managed to get large dye stains on three different walls. They won't come off. Guess who has to paint his living room again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 909

You deserved it 487

Belly Finger

By ihmmil - 18/01/2020 14:00

Today, my husband was trying to be sexy. He asked me if I wanted to sit on his "Belly Finger"! Major mood kill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 368

You deserved it 301

By Anonymous - 06/10/2018 15:30

Today, we woke up to two inches of water in our finished basement, which my wife and I use it as our bedroom. The plumber found roots in our sewer line. The kicker: we just bought the house four days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 624

You deserved it 236

By joyness - 20/12/2012 14:49 - Taiwan - Taipei

Today, I was sleeping on an airplane. I dreamed that I was running my hands up and down my friend's leg sexually to creep him out. I woke up and I realized that I was running my hand up and down the leg of the old man sitting next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 155

You deserved it 24 661

By embaressed - 20/09/2010 02:13 - United States

Today, I came home to find my drunken father sitting on our front lawn. He had a blanket, lit candle, and was singing with his eyes closed. He told me he believed he was Buddha from watching the history channel. Meanwhile, cars were driving by our house beeping, and yelling "praise the lord!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 382

You deserved it 2 897

By LockedOut - 25/07/2009 00:55 - United States

Today, my auto-repairman told me my heavy mass of keys was bad for the ignition switch and suggested I separate my house and car keys. I began to carry my car keys and lock the house keys in my glovebox. My car was stolen. I now have car keys but no car and a house with no house key. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 354

You deserved it 14 942

By awkward O_o - 24/04/2013 21:15 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, I found out that my roommate has a masturbation problem; the problem is that he does it in my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 654

You deserved it 4 902

By Anonymous - 05/08/2015 14:06 - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were getting intimate, I let out a moan that can only really be described as sounding like a clown car horn. He ended up laughing so hard that he couldn't continue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 887

You deserved it 4 983

By whiteycan'tgetitrightey - 24/02/2015 23:13 - United Kingdom - Norwich

Today, I apologised to someone for my misuse of the word 'coloured' in a discussion about ethnic minority issues. They then got even more angry and said that to even quote the word in the context of an apology is evidence of my ignorance and inherent racism. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 937

You deserved it 4 913

By Anonymous - 07/11/2013 22:21 - United Kingdom - Derry

Today, everything that was beautiful and pure in my life turned into a terrible, warped version of what it once was. Today, I lost all hope and no longer believe that life, although sometimes shitty, is sweet and worth living. Today, I met my mother-in-law. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 597

You deserved it 5 896

By IngenuityAbsent - 22/02/2015 13:54 - Canada - Grimsby

Today, I had a dream where I whacked my head against my shelf. I woke up immediately after, freaked out and whacked my head against my shelf. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 183

You deserved it 4 732

By Anonymous - 20/10/2016 11:12 - Australia - Hobart

Today, my boyfriend dumped me by getting his mum to message me on Facebook. I got the message while I was packing for an overseas trip to visit him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 818

You deserved it 666

By Anonymous - 16/04/2012 12:38 - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, I watched as my neighbor walked to my front lawn, looked me right in the eye, and pissed on my mailbox. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 931

You deserved it 3 384

By sliceddice - 10/03/2010 16:08 - Denmark

Today, I was crying because my cat died. My boyfriend cupped my face in his hands, looked me straight into the eyes and said, "I love seeing you cry." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 392

You deserved it 3 718

By Parusu - 13/02/2014 00:52 - United States - Orlando

Today, a woman pushed a stroller in front of my car. Thinking I'd hit someone, I jumped out. Turns out it was a doll. The "woman" was a 14-year-old girl, claiming, "I did it for the Vine!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 691

You deserved it 4 378

By KeepOnTruckin' - 18/05/2019 17:50

Today, I had to help my best friend plan his upcoming date with the girl he doesn't know I'm secretly in love with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 831

You deserved it 531

By moodyreallyrocks - 09/07/2012 00:30 - United States - Mayfield

Today, my wife is giving birth to our first born. I am an officer stationed overseas. Apparently, I am not only missing the birth, but I also missed the conception. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 796

You deserved it 2 912

By thenotsomanlyman - 07/03/2011 16:17 - United States

Today, I flipped out when I saw a centipede. I screamed, very loudly and in a very high voice. My girlfriend came into the room, stomped on it, picked it up and threw it in the trashcan. I apologized to her for the scene and all she said was, "I'm used to it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 662

You deserved it 41 578

By Hairylass - 02/10/2018 06:00 - United States

Today, I realized that I have an odd habit of plucking the tiny white hairs on my upper lip when I am overly stressed. But only the right side. I noticed when examining my face and seeing they'd all come back black. I've got half a mustache. I'm female. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 387

You deserved it 624

Winner

By Anonymous - 19/09/2021 19:59 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, after a lot of effort put into it and finally getting a scholarship, they emailed me saying they can't afford to fund me because they were impacted by the pandemic. I'd already denied other scholarship offers because theirs was the best offer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 063

You deserved it 96

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Top comments

vag_fml 0

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Friday 5 June 2009 2:10

you key over being stood up? you're that desperate and drastic? you shoulda just found someone else, instead you turned into a raving lunatic criminal.

floresntadolecnt 0

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Friday 5 June 2009 2:11

You're a loony. But, deny deny deny anyway.

vag_fml 0

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Friday 5 June 2009 2:10

you key over being stood up? you're that desperate and drastic? you shoulda just found someone else, instead you turned into a raving lunatic criminal.

Blooman 1

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Friday 6 August 2010 7:07

hahahaha very true

020266t 5

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Friday 4 February 2011 13:06

Next time when your angry scream some curses on the air like all the other morons I know do.

CRiiSPY_fml 0

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Sunday 26 June 2011 15:14

I actually hope he stood you up the next night too :L

zachherbert 10

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Wednesday 3 August 2011 10:42

Today, I was making sure everything was ready for my date tomorrow. My friends said she was a drama queen freak, but what did I have to loose? I was about to go get my clothes from the dry cleaners, but stopped when I realized that my new mustang gt was keyed. FML

boxbrandon11 20

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Friday 20 April 2012 2:02

Your a bitch OP

lmngrl889 14

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Tuesday 3 June 2014 4:11

I have to agree. Yes being stood up sucks and all but still no reason to key someone's car!

benbenius 10

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Monday 23 June 2014 16:51

While I agree that it was not the right thing to do, keying someone's car does not make you a "raving lunatic criminal." To get that title you'd have to run two dozen people over with a stolen car while snorting coke.

Bombegranite 14

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Tuesday 8 July 2014 7:20

Are you really the guy?

floresntadolecnt 0

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Friday 5 June 2009 2:11

You're a loony. But, deny deny deny anyway.

bridgette5866 0

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Thursday 4 March 2010 0:34

hahahaahhah, major props, and I completely agree.

donner1423 0

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Friday 5 June 2009 2:12

Haha, just pretend it wasn't you.

Bonte 0

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Saturday 17 March 2012 23:04

Well now u can either be a complete cu/nt and deny knowing about it or you can pay for his paint job, u have serious mental issues

daemonsparta 16

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Thursday 18 June 2015 4:43

and start the relationship with lies. totes would show what a keeper op is

Telcontar14 0

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Friday 5 June 2009 2:12

ditto to #1 I mean i understand being absentminded and forgetting a date, but messing with his car just cuz you thought you got stood up? Stupid. Almost as stupid as misspelling "tomorrow"

Crazy8chevy 0

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Thursday 25 June 2009 14:36

She did spell tomorrow correctly, check before you speak,

ezra44 0

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Friday 12 March 2010 1:50

dumb fuck

ps592 0

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Thursday 18 March 2010 7:50

hahahhaa @ 638 thats exactly how i replied in my head

Reaper86 1

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Saturday 17 November 2012 9:59

I love how you incorrectly corrected someone. What a tool.

Warez_fml 12

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Tuesday 29 January 2013 1:11

Then again, this was written in 2009 and a mod probably corrected the spelling in.her FML.

kristenlee 3

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Friday 5 June 2009 2:12

Just rekey the car professing your love and devotion to him. He'll understand :D

MagicMeds 0

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Tuesday 22 September 2009 10:02

anoellem 1

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Tuesday 26 June 2012 19:59

That is a terrible idea.

that_band_nerd 22

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Sunday 3 November 2013 16:15

I feel as if that were the rare "joke"

whiterabbit_fml 0

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Friday 5 June 2009 2:12

You are one crazy bitch. YDI.

Weetart 8

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Wednesday 24 August 2011 23:58

Maybe it's time to check yourself into a psychiatric ward. And it's more like FHL than yours. You had nothing to lose. If I was him, I would have called some ninjas to key your face BITCH.