Today, I had a date in my dreams. It was a pity date, with someone... - FML

By Lonely - 24/11/2009 10:49 - United States

Today, I had a date in my dreams. It was a pity date, with someone who is already taken. I can't even get a real date in my dreams. FML

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Never flip flop and drive

The end of the road

My body, my choice

By Anonymous - 25/4/2009 23:50 - Brazil

Today, I had a going-away party because I am leaving the country forever. Out of the 130 people invited, 60 were a resounding "Yes! of course I will go!". After paying $300 for everything needed at the party, 2 ended up coming. And left because nobody else was there. FML

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By screwedupkid - 3/5/2012 17:45

Today, I sarcastically pointed out a book to my mom, titled "Living Successfully With Screwed Up People." She already has it. FML

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By nicolo - 27/10/2009 20:10 - United States

Today, I got my tax return. I was really excited. Turns out the government does take the time to send out a tax return for $1.36. FML

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By jdch_99 - 3/11/2012 05:34 - Canada - Kitchener

Today, I'm at home, sick with walking pneumonia and a raging UTI. Every time I cough, I piss myself. I'm now having to lie on a bath towel and garbage bags until the meds kick in. FML

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By Loverscry - 5/11/2014 22:02 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I forgot my library book on a bench then I got on a bus, so I got off at the next stop and walked back to get it. I arrived just in time to see some guy pick it up and hop on another bus. So now I'm not on the bus I needed, and I have to pay for the book. FML

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By blue. - 19/5/2011 23:32

Today, I'm the coach of a football team. To celebrate winning a game, they poured a cooler of blue Gatorade over my head. This would've been great, if not for the fact that I'm highly allergic to blue food dye. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2020 23:02

Technique

Today, I figured out the best way to endure my wife's lack of sex drive: whenever she complains, I lose the urge myself. Works like a charm, because she complains all the time. FML

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By LaundryVictim - 15/6/2016 20:50

Today, I picked up my laundry from the wash-and-fold and proceeded to put everything away. I noticed a hand towel that wasn't mine and made a mental note to return it; turned out they'd given me someone else's boxers as well. My boyfriend doesn't believe me. FML

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By crb25453 - 15/10/2015 05:07 - United States - Stafford

Today, I drove to my college campus for my 8 a.m. class, parked, walked the mile and a half to my classroom, just to find out class had been cancelled. The prof didn't send an email because she couldn't remember her password. I paid $1200 to be taught by this woman, who has a doctorate. FML

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By hello - 11/7/2010 00:57 - Jordan

Today, I was so bored at a family gathering that I pretended to be busy texting the whole time. I don't know what's worse, that I'm not close to anyone in my family, or that I have no one close enough to text to about such things. FML

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By someone - 23/7/2011 08:50 - United States

Today, I'm staying in a hotel where the lights are automatic. They turn on when something moves and turn off when everything is still. I'm a sensitive sleeper and I move in my sleep, so the light wakes me up. It's currently 2 a.m. and all together I've gotten about 20 minutes of sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2012 23:00 - United States - Tallahassee

Today, my teacher's comments on my essay read, "I know it's college, but you use a lot of unnecessary words with a lot of syllables." He basically scolded me for having a complex vocabulary. I go to an accredited state university. Nothing says "America" like under-achieving professors. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2012 17:49 - Canada

Today, I tried to discipline my two year old son. Whenever I do this, he starts pointing and imitating me, and I can't help but laugh. This explains why he never listens to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2017 05:00

Today, I traveled to my hometown for a funeral. I'm staying with my family in the house I grew up in. My dad told me they'd "completely renovated" the house. There's still only one bathroom for the seven of us and I'm sleeping on the floor for the entire two weeks. FML

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By brokeandalone - 21/11/2011 02:05 - United States

Today, I found out my wife has been bribing my daughter to keep quiet about her affair with my boss. That would explain the iPhone 4S, the $500 shoes, the $200 purse, and the professional $300 haircut. They told me it was because she had straight A's. FML

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By sausagefingers - 22/10/2012 05:29 - United States - Nixa

Today, I overheard my boyfriend and his friends talking in the next room. I smiled when my boyfriend called me beautiful, only to hear his friend laugh and say, "C'mon, dude. She has fat ankles and smells like deli meat." FML

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By Alex Knight - 7/11/2017 19:00

The cake was not a lie.

Today, I bought a cake. I then immediately forgot what I was carrying, opened the door to my car, and tossed the bag into the back seat. FML

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By Mark - 13/8/2009 22:30 - United States

Today, I finally got the courage to approach a girl. I've never done anything like this before. She stared me down, not saying a word, until I felt so little that I just walked away. FML

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By iamsolid - 20/10/2012 15:10 - United States

Today, my sister-in-law was diagnosed with breast cancer. My mother then confided in me that she suspected it was a prank to get more money from our family. FML

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By VoodooPriestess - 4/7/2019 04:00

Today, my boyfriend told me the reason he dated me was because he was lonely, and I looked lonely enough to like him. FML

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By noo - 11/10/2009 10:54 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend's mother called me to tell me she didn't appreciate our "public amorous behaviour" at the local food court. I didn't go out all day. FML

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By no - 25/6/2016 02:31 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got in a huge fight with my pregnant wife because I cannot consent to naming our future daughter Paprika. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2015 14:12 - United States - Kill Devil Hills

Today, my wife came back from her camping trip with her friends. I decided to help her out by unpacking her stuff while she used the bathroom. It's funny; I never knew that a dildo, a ball gag and an open pack of condoms were considered camping gear. FML

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By JulieKid - 4/5/2009 17:19 - United States

Today, I stepped out of my car and slipped on a fresh coating of ice on the ground. I tried to catch myself by grabbing the car on my way down, but unfortunately, I was trying to grab with the hand that was holding my car keys. I key-scratched my own car. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2015 00:03 - United Kingdom - Clevedon

Today, I realised that my closeted gay friend has dated more women this year than I have in my 28 years of life. FML

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By nadalada - 18/2/2009 08:06 - United States

Today, My boyfriend gave me a gift card for $32 to a local salon. I thought the amount was kind of random, but when I went in I saw that the bikini wax was $32. FML

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By quitfuckingalready! - 4/9/2020 08:00 - United States

Let me go

Today, my request to move apartments was once again denied. My next door neighbor’s constant marijuana smoke wafts over every day, and the woman upstairs is pregnant with her sixth child. It’s like a herd of elephants living above me. They won’t let me out of my lease unless I pay a huge amount. FML

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By Mortified - 22/7/2009 09:48 - Australia

Today, I was in the living room with my brother and his two older, hot friends when my mother walks out from the toilet and tells me, "Honey, if you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie wipe the seatie." Need I say more? FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2010 17:12 - Canada

Today, I went to visit my parents after 4 years of not seeing them. They moved without telling me. FML

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By yeshehaspornaddiction - 2/7/2013 04:37 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, my boyfriend told me to completely shave off all of my already-groomed pubic area because, "It looks so unnatural." Ignoring the obvious lack of logic, I asked him why he keeps his totally ungroomed. Turns out "Men having hair is okay. Women aren't supposed to, though." FML

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By poorman - 18/11/2013 22:14 - United States - Derwood

Today, I realized that my 5 year old son has more money saved up in his piggy bank than I have in my actual bank account. FML

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By Allie - 3/6/2010 18:58 - United States

Today, I was texting my crush. I tried to say, "I need a nap," but my iPhone changed it to "I need anal." I sent it. FML

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By potatoehead178 - 28/1/2020 05:00 - United States - Fairfield

I should?

Today, while I finished my business with my girlfriend, she asked if I used Viagra. I replied, "No I never use Viagra." She responded with, "You should." FML

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By Beewwwbs - 9/11/2018 19:00 - Australia - Wembley

Today, I'm on a pill that "may cause breast tenderness". My 32E breasts took that to mean swell up a size, become heavy as lead, be so sore I can't move without a bra on, and stiffen my neck and back muscles so badly I thought I had an ear infection. This will last "a few weeks to months". FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2015 19:35 - Bahrain - Manama

Today, I spent 5 hours organizing my porn collection on my computer. What the hell am I doing with my life? FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2019 05:00 - United States - Pasadena

In a zoo

Today, I learned that I am referred to as the girl who has "the ass like Beyoncé, but a face like a gorilla". FML

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By Jo - 26/10/2009 03:14 - United States

Today, there was an earthquake. Good news: the only damage was a tree fell on some loser's car. Bad news: that loser was me. FML

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By iet_Wyrda - 4/10/2013 23:00 - France - Verneuil-sur-seine

Today, my dog tore up a single book from the dozens within his reach. That book was titled "How to Train Your Dog". FML

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By Robert - 1/1/2018 19:00

Today, I finally got medication to deal with my seizures. I've had them since I was 5, but my mother had always believed I was faking it. When I seized during a basketball game, she actually came onto the court and lectured the referee for "humoring" me. FML

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By harry - 4/12/2009 05:55 - Hong Kong

Today, I started growing hair on my upper lip. I'm finally becoming a man! Too bad I'm a 17 year old girl. FML

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Top comments

By Jimboom | 11

#686630 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 17:17

I hope you at least tried to get it on with her in your dreams. It's not rape if it's only in your dreams. ;)

By perdix | 29

#686863 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 22:18

Wow! You got to live your dreams!

Most people don't get the chance to live their dreams, but you do. Hint: Try not to dream of yourself as a pathetic loser.

COMMENTS

By _Noon_ | 0

#686598 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 16:47

Hahaha, I like your conclusion :)

By itak365 | 4

#686610 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 16:59

Well, if it was a dream, then it would be impossible to get a real date, right?

By wazdog | 4

#686614 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 17:03

To OP: lower your standards or quite complaining. Oh and stop aiming for people who are taken.

By haweb | 0

#686621 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 17:13

Wow, only the 12,000th one of these we've seen.

By lmaoatyourlife | 0

#686629 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 17:17

Nobody wants to date some one who constantly feels sorry for themselves. If you want a date so badly go out, meet new people, even if you're hideously ugly some one will be drunk enough to give you their phone number. Just stop whining!!!!

By Jimboom | 11

#686630 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 17:17

I hope you at least tried to get it on with her in your dreams. It's not rape if it's only in your dreams. ;)

Reply

Tigg3r | 3

#687365 - Wednesday 25 November 2009 13:02

Dream-rape!!! XD

By Dickman16 | 0

#686632 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 17:17

lmao wow....ydi cuz I bet ur fat and ugly ....

Reply

james496_fml | 0

#3445087 - Monday 17 October 2011 14:55

shut up u mean asshole

By idkweird | 0

#686643 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 17:23

Are you the same guy who wrote the one about being dumped for being the "perfect boyfriend"? If not, Im pretty sure the two of you have a lot in common. You both seem to be whiners who try too hard!

By I_Call_Fake | 0

#686651 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 17:27

Awhhh boo-hoo. NOT

By SusanaSaysRawrxD | 0

#686691 - Tuesday 24 November 2009 17:59

Awwh, poor you. Not really an FYL or YDI, this is just really pathetic.