By lifesux - United States

Classic playa move

Today, I had a blind date. When I arrived at our meeting place, I spotted my date, because he was the only one in the bar wearing a nametag. I walked up to him and asked, "Are you John?" He responded, "That depends. Are you Jen?" When I said yes he said, "Then no," and left. FML

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Jealousy

Assumptions

Ungrateful

By Anonymous - Sweden - ?kersberga

Today, I went on my first date in 8 years. While we were looking at the menu, the guy said: "So if you're vegetarian, why're you so fat?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my nine year old stepson overheard me telling my husband that I was almost out of my favorite shampoo, and since it was discontinued, I couldn't buy any more. He got in the shower and happily emptied the bottles down the drain. FML

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By AfraidOfToxicity - 21/7/2020 02:02

Hypocrisy

Today, I had a friend quit every friend group we shared, all because I refused to show him favouritism in my D&D campaign, after I changed the rules to reduce favouritism between everyone, because he'd complained. FML

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By Eddy - United States - Mountain Pine

Today, I decided to have cereal for breakfast. I poured the cereal in the bowl, added the milk and had a spoonful. Then I realized that my cereal was moving in the back of my mouth. FML

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By rahhhnnnn - 25/4/2020 02:00

You can't win sometimes

Today, I learned that because I clean everything in my roommate's house and keep the lights low to save energy, and respect him and do things in the proper way I was raised, he and his friends and girlfriend think I’m weird and won’t speak to me. FML

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By aloha - France

Today, I landed in Hawaii for my vacation. I have a really bad ear infection, and to top my day off, my girlfriend blurted out mid-flight that she thinks we're not going to work out. Aloha! FML

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By ihavepinkbackpac - United States

Today, I forgot to do my French homework, but since it was an online worksheet, I told my teacher my internet wasn't working. I told her with an e-mail. FML

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By really? - United States

Today, while at a concert, my boyfriend got mad and jealous because I kept looking at the singer instead of him. He still won't talk to me. FML

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By claudio117 - Canada - Coquitlam

Today, during an Easter egg hunt, I found divorce papers. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Breaux Bridge

Today, I had my performance review at work. Under the "oral communication" category my boss wrote that I "act like an asshole." FML

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By ducky2721 - United States

Today, while working my overnight shift, I went into the isolation room to find some items for a former client. The door fell shut and the magnetic lock went to work. Both unit telephones and my cell phone were lying on the desk, and I waited four hours for my supervisor to rescue me. FML

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By Nomoretexting - United States

Today, I received a 4 page text message from my mom explaining what she was going to do to me tonight in full detail. I am one name below her boyfriend on her contact list. FML

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By iwannagotomiamitoo - United States - Brookline

Today, I found out that apparently I'm in Miami. I am also enjoying a five-star hotel and all of its services. Only one problem: I'm still here, stuck in a small suburban town. F*ck identity theft. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'm babysitting three children under the age of seven. They have no discipline, don't listen, scream all the time, won't nap, terrorize my dog, and have peed their pants a collective 5 times today. I am not getting paid for this. Their mother has no plans to come get them any time soon. FML

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By MT - Finland

Today, I spent hours crafting a tiara to look like the princess from my boyfriend's favourite game series, Zelda. I sent him a picture of me wearing it, and got the reply: "Sure, that's nice, but you'd be better as Majora." FML

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By Lizzie - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Dad jokes, part #23555

Today, my boyfriend came over for dinner for the first time. As a joke, my dad answered the door wearing the white church robes that he wears when he is lay-reading during a church service, and said, "Welcome, child of God." FML

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By janie - 10/1/2021 17:01

Mind your own business

Today, I'm so skinny that I was told to, “Eat a burger.” While I was eating a burger. FML

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By crazystuff23 - United States

Today, I saw the following message on my Facebook News Feed: "Morning Sex: [My mom] and [My dad] are fans. Click here to Join" FML

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By sunshine

Today, I saw my uncle after six months. The first thing he says to me is, 'I didn't even recognize you! You've gained so much weight.' Gee thanks uncle. Just what I wanted to hear. FML

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By caaarl - United Kingdom - Hemel Hempstead

Today, while looking through my wedding photos, I realised my wife had done a duck face in every single one. FML

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By peepa

Today, I finished my last day of job training. At the beginning, the boss had told us to ask as many questions as possible. I was fired because I asked too many questions. FML

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By pacificbeach - United States

Today, my roommate and I finally got fed up with this increasingly, horrible stench that has been in our apartment for a few days now. Leaving it for our other roommates to handle, we selfishly left to get yogurtland. Moments later, we both expressed that we haven't seen our cat in a while. FML

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By terribob1

Today, I was terminated from my job. This comes after I sent HR an email about an inappropriate relationship between my manager and a counselor. Seems like I should have kept my mouth shut. FML

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By ihateeverything - United States

Today, the dentist had to give me a lot of novacaine because my mouth wasn't becoming numb. After the 4th time the entire right side of my mouth was numb, except for the 2 teeth getting worked on. FML

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By Cup_of___ - United States

Today, I walked into a liquor store and thought about inquiring for a job application. After seeing the cashier, I thought about inquiring if she was single. After accidentally breaking three bottles of liquor, I didn't do either. I left the store, still single and unemployed. FML

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By heckaza - Australia - Werribee

Today, I went to visit a suburb that was named after my family. Within five minutes of walking around I was mugged and then beat up. My family name has certainly done well for itself. FML

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By Crystal_Nicole - United States - Wichita

Today, my dog played dead just so I would leave him alone. FML

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By dadisgoatboy - Switzerland

Today, my dad awkwardly asked me how to selectively clear his browser history. Apparently, my mom discovered his browsing habits and tore him a new one for looking at "nothing but vile smut". FML

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By sammsamm56 - United States

Today, I found out that my over protective brother is going to move in with me when he gets out of jail. My chances of ever being in a relationship are now next to zero. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it turns out that my hairy feet are the most memorable part about me. My family's named me "the hobbit". FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Niagara Park

Today, I set up a hidden camera in my room so I could prove that my sister beats me up when my parents aren't home, since they always accuse me of lying about it. When I showed them, they wasted no time accusing me of "provoking" her off-camera. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, a man easily 30 years older than me said hi in a bar, but I didn’t engage. Apparently that meant "Please rub your junk on my leg." FML

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By notanidiot - United States - Lansing

Today, I laughed when I shouldn't have and am probably fired. What happened? My boss asked me if birds were reptiles. I thought he was kidding. FML

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By anon - United States - Burleson

Today, my crush was giving me a ride home. As we pulled up to my house, he looked into my eyes with a sweet smile and said the words every girl wants to hear - "Do you give head?" FML

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By Anonymous - China - Chengdu

Wrong, just wrong

Today, while licking maple syrup off my wife during foreplay, I probably shouldn't have referred to her breasts as pancakes. FML

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By Lauren Smith - United States

Today, I came home from work. I was really tired and told my son that I would make him dinner later. He called the cops saying, "Mommy won't feed me." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took a look at my boyfriend's videocamera. On it were several videos of me on the toilet. My boyfriend has been hiding the videocamera in the bathroom airvent, and taping me taking dumps for the past three months. FML

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By paranoid - United States

Today, I was walking on a path through a park by myself. I glanced at the ground and saw a shadow behind me. Thinking of an attacker, I screamed as loud as I could and began flailing my arms to ward him off. Turns out, it was a jogger. He had to stop due to his uncontrollable laughter. FML

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By WTF - Canada - Calgary

Today, I found out that the girl I've been talking to online and sending certain pictures to is actually my ex's new boyfriend. He ended up telling me he'd just wanted to see how he compared to me down below because my ex refused to go into detail about it. FML

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By Missa - Canada

False accusation

Today, one of our store's beach balls came out of nowhere and whacked me in the back of my head. I started reaming out two young girls for playing in the store, even when they said it wasn't them. Soon after, one of my employees admitted that it was her. I made some 7-year-olds cry and it wasn't them. FML

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Top comments

By deviliciousv4 | 0

#747713 - Thursday 31 December 2009 22:53

thats rude. he dosent have to be an asshole.

By gwoodboy | 0

#747719 - Thursday 31 December 2009 22:54

That piece of stool
Is a big old tool
And is about as deep
As a kiddie pool.

He wasn't worth your time anyway.

COMMENTS

By AFewScrewsLoose | 0

#747710 - Thursday 31 December 2009 22:51

ouch.

Reply

Grndslmhttr3 | 0

#749958 - Saturday 2 January 2010 6:36

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Fritz1130 | 0

#749980 - Saturday 2 January 2010 6:58

asshole
I hope you aren't being serious

Reply

Fritz1130 | 0

#749985 - Saturday 2 January 2010 7:01

that was ment for #98, not the op
FYL

Reply

superboboboi | 0

#974326 - Monday 5 April 2010 8:37

agree with 98

Reply

Hoplaka | 0

#1242917 - Sunday 15 August 2010 3:55

People are born the way they are so shut the fuck up. He didn't gave to be rude OP soz. Fyl

Reply

Harpy20 | 24

#5077078 - Wednesday 24 October 2012 21:47

If he was wearing a name tag, then why did you ask his name?

By deviliciousv4 | 0

#747713 - Thursday 31 December 2009 22:53

thats rude. he dosent have to be an asshole.

Reply

shamille | 5

#748710 - Friday 1 January 2010 14:56

i know. asshole thinks he can get away with judging someone's looks--YOU'RE WEARING A NAME TAG. IN A BAR. that's just violation on top of violation on top of fail and douchebaggery.

i want to stab him in the neck.

By samiixonicole | 0

#747714 - Thursday 31 December 2009 22:53

ouch what a moron!

By Thatk1ddd | 0

#747715 - Thursday 31 December 2009 22:53

That blows..

By v1kt4r | 13

#747716 - Thursday 31 December 2009 22:53

Hahaha burn

Reply

KenzieDanae | 0

#2131203 - Monday 28 February 2011 3:08

The only reason this FML made me laugh was because their names are John and Jen.

By Reyo | 2

#747717 - Thursday 31 December 2009 22:53

ooooo...you didn't say it in that high pitched squeel High School girls do when they're asked to the prom, did you?

By melonkelly | 0

#747718 - Thursday 31 December 2009 22:53

Awwww :( What a jerk.

By gwoodboy | 0

#747719 - Thursday 31 December 2009 22:54

That piece of stool
Is a big old tool
And is about as deep
As a kiddie pool.

He wasn't worth your time anyway.

Reply

Electric_Star | 0

#747737 - Thursday 31 December 2009 23:07

I was thinking the same thing..unless maybe he wrights really sloppily.

Reply

ipwnallmen | 10

#747753 - Thursday 31 December 2009 23:15

maybe to be more polite and not too forward.

Reply

tisiphone_fml | 0

#747761 - Thursday 31 December 2009 23:22

Well put, #8. FYL indeed, and hang in there.

Reply

KassyNicole | 0

#748472 - Friday 1 January 2010 9:46

Alright, Dr. Seuss.

Reply

Secret_Fire_King | 0

#783799 - Tuesday 19 January 2010 8:09

lol @ Dr. Seuss..

but, yeah.. FYL for being so desperate that you're friends had to set up a date for you..

By omargosh | 1

#747722 - Thursday 31 December 2009 22:56

ouchhh!

By Bertha5 | 0

#747725 - Thursday 31 December 2009 22:58

tht hurtss.