By fuuuuck - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Wakey wakey

Today, I had a big presentation to do at work, so I got up early and ran myself a bath. I woke up three hours later, extremely late, and still in the bath. FML

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Wake up

Work

Out of it

Used car, one careful owner

Can't win

By Kelly - United States

Today, I gave my boyfriend a box of chocolates as a present. A few hours later, he texted me saying that the box of chocolates contained nuts. He's allergic to nuts and his mother now thinks I'm trying to kill him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26559

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11766

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By Anonymous - United States - Lakewood

Today, while walking around the local thrift store, I noticed an attractive guy watching me and following me through the aisles. As he followed me to my car I was sure I would get his number. He then asks me to bring my purse inside as I had been tagged as a shoplifter. I work at the store. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27564

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2498

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By newdad - United States

Today, I found out that I'm a dad. My ex from 8 years ago contacted me through facebook. I'm happy I have a kid, but apparently she only contacted me because she wants me to start paying child support, now her boyfriend who provided for them left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33695

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5978

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By badprofessor - United States - Larchmont

Astrology for nerds

Today, I got an Economics test back from my professor. I got a 17/20. I looked it over and noticed one of the questions was completely right. I checked the textbook he made and the answer was the same. I asked him why it was wrong, and he responded with, "I guess I changed my mind." FML

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41633

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2701

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By Username - United States

Today, I walked out of my house wearing only boxers, only to be greeted by kids with paintball guns. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26910

You deserved it

15208

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By Moondoggie_ggk69 - United States

Today, I was washing my hair in the shower when the water went ice cold. It's 20 degrees outside and we have soft water which takes a longer time to wash away soap. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25446

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2885

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, I was naked, still deciding what to wear, when the doorbell rang. I grabbed the closest thing to cover up with: my Snuggie. I answered the door, it was kids asking for donations. Without thinking, I turned around to grab my purse. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16391

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33746

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By Anonymous - United States - Anchorage

Today, during the worst flu we've ever had, my wife and I have to go out into thirty-below weather to get firewood because the furnace broke down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6304

You deserved it

446

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By Otherguy - France

Today, I was at a restaurant with a girl I like, and as I was getting my wallet out, I dropped a condom. She didn't see anything, and I didn't dare pick it up in case I drew attention to the "object". The waiter walked past, picked up, and held it out to me with a huge grin. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36895

You deserved it

9371

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By la poisse - France

Today, I spent the night in hospital. As soon as I was alone, I writhed and twisted in all directions in my attempts to pee in a bottle left precisely for that purpose. It was at that moment that the doctor, a good-looking guy, came in. My legs were spread wide and I was right in the middle of doing my business. FML

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34947

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3489

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By udnrizh - United States

Today, I got a weird feeling about the account balance in my savings account. Turns out my fiancé has been using my account to order random items whenever he likes. This account is my savings for college tuition and related expenses. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29345

You deserved it

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By icecreamer - United States

Today, I went over to get some ice cream. I found a rare parking spot in front of the store, and even had change in my pocket. After feeding the meter, A lady comes up to me and tells me that the meter was free after 8 o'clock. I paid 50 cents for it. I was 50 cents short for my ice cream. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42944

You deserved it

12682

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By tsakashvili - United States

Today, I decided to scare my 10 year old sister for fun. I hid behind a door and leapt out, shouting "Boo!" when she walked by. She burst into tears and ran screaming to my mom. My mom thought I'd hit my sister, and was so angry that she punched me in the eye. FML

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59748

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2020 08:08

This is America

Today, I found out a test I need to see if I need surgery on my gallbladder costs more than my pay check, even with insurance. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1542

You deserved it

100

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By pottypattypeepants - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were play wrestling. I had pinned him down and was sitting on his chest when he suddenly squeezed my stomach, causing me to rip the loudest fart ever. He looked so shocked that I couldn't help but laugh. I laughed so hard that I accidentally peed on him as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43534

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19570

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By Nanana32 - United States - Hudson

Today, I fell asleep on the beach while tanning. I was woken up by the flock of seagulls eating the bread from my stomach. Why was bread on my stomach? Because my little brother knows birds are my biggest fear. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48565

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6000

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By leogs23 - 2/3/2021 20:01

Force of habit, or just mean?

Today, my fiancée’s siblings kept calling me by her ex-boyfriend’s name. FML

I agree, your life sucks

840

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By nohablaespanol - United States - Sanger

Today, I had an interview for a job I really wanted. On my resume, I wrote that I speak conversational Spanish, although I don't. When I arrived for the interview, my interviewer decided to conduct it in Spanish. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9516

You deserved it

93308

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By prisonbitch - United States

Today, after five different interviews, I got an offer for a great job. I was excited to fill out paperwork and get the ball rolling, until they called and said that I didn't pass the criminal background check. I get off probation in less than a week. FML

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13179

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38560

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By klutz - United States - Woburn

Today, I broke my fifth bone in three years. While I'd like say that they've all been scary, athletic injuries, most have been from attempting to do things as mundane as walking. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7482

You deserved it

854

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, my old highschool math teacher called me, asking me to please stop calling him at 2AM every weekend. Turns out my best friend uses my cellphone to call his number every time she's drunk, and declares her eternal love to him. FML

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38272

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4352

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I pulled a neck muscle while head-banging. I wasn't at a concert, and I'm not in a heavy metal band, but I do pretend that I am while I'm in the shower. FML

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11553

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - Canada - Sudbury

Today, while on a tour bus, our guide told us that "Jimi Hendrix was like, uh, the Miley Cyrus of the '60s." I'm actually a committed pacifist, but I was already halfway out of my seat to choke the pimply-faced twat out before I managed to restrain myself. Now I'm scared of myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40358

You deserved it

6119

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By shal4

Today, within 20 minutes of waking up, my dad gave me a pained look and said: "Uhh, turns out your laptop isn't waterproof." FML

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24814

You deserved it

1413

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By ants9omarching - United States

Today, the seat in my car broke and wouldn't move forward. I had to walk to school in the rain because I was too short to reach the pedals. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35489

You deserved it

5926

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By Anonymous - United States - Falls Church

Today, my mother has issued a 'Christmas Ultimatum'. The rest of us have exactly 2 days to "get some Christmas around here" or we will feel her wrath. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28264

You deserved it

4293

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By Anonymous - United States - Crowley

Today, I found out that my boyfriend paid a guy to tell me he was dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53978

You deserved it

6229

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my teacher announced that he'd be out for a week because he was going to Vegas. I happily said, "Woo hoo!" Then he finished his sentence by telling me it was because his dad had died. FML

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31962

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9826

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By Anonymous - United States - Glastonbury

Today, my daughter believed that watching the Big Bang Theory would count as studying for her chemistry final. FML

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47725

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7127

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By yikes - United States

Today, I was taking my dog for a walk and forgot a bag to pick up his poop, since it's illegal to not pick it up in my town. Right as my dog started to take a dump, a cop car drove by and continued to watch me as I was forced to pick up the poop with my bare hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49342

You deserved it

22676

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By TooShort - United States

Today, I walked into a restaurant with my parents to celebrate my Mom's birthday. They immediately got a kid's menu and crayons out for me. I'm 15. FML

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54294

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8594

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By KMAC - United States

Today, I found out my fiancé is in a long distance relationship with his ex. Not only do we live on the same island, he's also my neighbor and my co-worker. FML

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30319

You deserved it

3332

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went swimming with this guy I like at dammed river. While we were jumping off the dam, I decided to try to impress him by doing a front flip. I didn't jump far enough off, so when I went to flip, my face skidded down the concrete wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34813

You deserved it

44788

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By hawaiiansokkrboi - United States

Today, I was practicing soccer at my school. My team was practicing penalty kicks. It was my turn up and this cute girl that I like was watching off ten feet away from the goal. I was running to take the kick when I slipped and kicked the ball. It hit her head and now she won't talk to me. FML

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48246

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10674

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my nine year old stepson overheard me telling my husband that I was almost out of my favorite shampoo, and since it was discontinued, I couldn't buy any more. He got in the shower and happily emptied the bottles down the drain. FML

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31992

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5347

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By Big bootay

Today, while at a restaurant, my 4 year old son pointed to a lady and exclaimed “Mom, her butt is even bigger than yours!” FML.

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2140

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337

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By Ravhi Karia - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, I went to see my ill granddad in hospital. I saw lots of doctors around his bed, and they pronounced him dead, so I ran out crying. A little later, I found out that my granddad had been moved, and it was a different man in his bed. FML

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35647

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4054

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By I didn't though - United States

Today, I arrived at a camp and met one of my roommates. At bedtime, I had energy still, so I did push-ups. The guy was asleep or so I thought because he was facing the wall. The guy thought I was jacking off and told everyone I did it in the middle of our room. FML

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23481

You deserved it

2775

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By ahhhboys - Romania

Today, my boyfriend of six months said he wanted to take our relationship one step further. I thought he was going to ask me to move in. He meant he wanted to fart in front of me. FML

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36476

You deserved it

6228

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By Miki13 - Canada - Whitby

Today, I had dinner with my grandparents. At the table, my grandfather openly complained about how hard it is for him to get out of their hot tub. Not because of his prosthetic leg, but because his balls somehow "get stuck". I really didn't need to know that. FML

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21839

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1705

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Top comments

By WCARlover | 34

#3655813 - Tuesday 29 November 2011 3:10

Sorry but the first thing I thought of is how wrinkly your fingers must've been haha

By every1luvsboners | 11

#3655878 - Tuesday 29 November 2011 3:16

Tell them your house flooded and as you swam in to save the notes for the presentation you were attacked by beavers that had taken over your house and held you hostage for 3 hours as they demanded bacon bits. Sounds legit.

COMMENTS

By freelife571 | 4

#3655761 - Tuesday 29 November 2011 3:06

Damn.

ColdplaySucks | 18

#3655845 - Tuesday 29 November 2011 3:13

Those baths can be very relaxing..

CowOven | 7

#3656269 - Tuesday 29 November 2011 4:18

That's why I always sleep early before the day of a presentation

gregorrok1 | 0

#3656287 - Tuesday 29 November 2011 4:19

Your lucky you didn't drown... Falling asleep while taking a bath is really dangerous.

MeeshaMeeshaPup | 8

#3656774 - Tuesday 29 November 2011 5:41

I bet OP looked like a real prune by the time he got out.

MJHood | 3

#3656818 - Tuesday 29 November 2011 5:55

Maybe you should've just taken a bath instead of running cuz that probably tired you out :/

BayleeWasHere | 1

#3656846 - Tuesday 29 November 2011 6:02

Same here. Done it once. Those pink bubbles can really calm a person! xD

killtin | 2

#3657149 - Tuesday 29 November 2011 7:25

Do you have downs?^

greg84_fml | 21

#3658096 - Tuesday 29 November 2011 12:44

Meh, I fall asleep in the bath tub all the time, happens to the best of us, sucks that you were late.

MJHood | 3

#3661922 - Wednesday 30 November 2011 6:04

Lmao all of you who downed my comment got trolled lol. I know it's an expression just like to "draw a bath" is not to make a picture of a bath :D

MasqueradePrince | 25

#5766248 - Sunday 24 November 2013 6:12

I fall asleep in my bathtub Quite often, so far I have not drowned or woke up gasping for breath... Which makes me feel like I am part turtle.

iMuffinKat | 16

#6501141 - Monday 4 January 2016 9:01

That water bill tho

By lulupookiepoo | 0

#3655762 - Tuesday 29 November 2011 3:06

That stinks..at least you were clean!

lulupookiepoo | 0

#3655800 - Tuesday 29 November 2011 3:08

*that

tellithowitis | 13

#3656039 - Tuesday 29 November 2011 3:40

I wouldn't say that, you're still bathing in your germs...

speshlk37 | 13

#3656927 - Tuesday 29 November 2011 6:19

And not dead.

By donnie111 | 12

#3655764 - Tuesday 29 November 2011 3:06

Way to go!

By Irishxoxo | 2

#3655769 - Tuesday 29 November 2011 3:06

Why would you take a bath knowing you had to go to work?

bitchslapped22 | 14

#3655910 - Tuesday 29 November 2011 3:21

Hence why he said "I got up early"

SuckItTrolls | 7

#3655991 - Tuesday 29 November 2011 3:31

Epic pic. ^

LouisianaBob | 9

#3656054 - Tuesday 29 November 2011 3:46

Most likely the big presentation was stressing him so he took a bath to relax before it. It was just too effective =D

amanda_say_whutt | 9

#3656071 - Tuesday 29 November 2011 3:49

I dunno, s

amanda_say_whutt | 9

#3656088 - Tuesday 29 November 2011 3:52

I dunno, some people like being clean before they go into work..strange right ?

bitchslapped22 | 14

#3656112 - Tuesday 29 November 2011 3:55

Thanks man, you too ^

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3656274 - Tuesday 29 November 2011 4:18

4- Seriously? I always shower before work or going out. It's called getting up earlier.

konstantinos616 | 17

#3656319 - Tuesday 29 November 2011 4:22

Cuz you smell like shit? Or you wanna look good for your presentation?

chickenflem | 8

#3656531 - Tuesday 29 November 2011 4:53

I think 4 means y would he take a bath as opposed to a shower......and that's bcuz he said he got up early and I agree that his presentation was probably stressing him out so he decided to take a bath