Kids: Today, I greeted a mom and a little girl at the place where I... - FML

By neversayhiagain - United States

Today, I greeted a mom and a little girl at the place where I work. The little girl looks at me, looks back at her mom, and says, "Mommy, I hate people." FML

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Dangling modifier

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

And today, on Dr Phil…

By yum. - United States

Today, I went out to eat with some friends. They picked a table that wasn't big enough for all of us. I had to sit in the booth behind them. Alone. FML

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By ThanksMom - United States

Today, my parents were helping me construct my bed. We ended up not having enough screws to properly secure the frame. My dad mentioned that it might cause problems if I got a girl into my bed. My mom said, "Don't worry about it, we all know that's not going to happen." FML

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By Xpresss - United States

Today, I came into work with a new hair cut and so far everyone has asked me If I lost a bet. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2020 19:08 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Covidiots

Today, I had to abandon my shopping after a Covidiot directly sneezed all over it. He took his mask off because he was about to sneeze. FML

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By mathguy - United States - Green Bay

Today, I went for a job interview for a building position at a retail store. They saw on my application that I was good at math. They asked me what the circumference of a circle is. Being nervous during the interview, I accidentally said the area of a circle. I didn't get the job. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got ice cream with a guy I'd met at a wrestling match a few days ago. When I got home, I found out that my mother had been sitting in the parking lot and watched us through the windows. FML

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By iTried - United States - Houston

Today, I found out my best friend was cheating on her boyfriend. After confronting her boyfriend and showing him proof, he responded with denial and didn't believe me. Now my whole circle of friends not only think I'm trying to start a rumor, but that I'm a home wrecker. FML

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By Anonymous

Stuck in a rut

Today, I realised my wife has been slowly phasing out most elements of our previously active and inventive sex life. These days, it's missionary once a month or she tells me to whack one off by myself in the bathroom. When did we get so boring? FML

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By swim5 - United States - Tempe

Today, my boyfriend of 3 months broke up with me because he is moving. He's only moving 20 minutes away. FML

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By Sous_Chef - United States

Today, my roommate came in slamming the front door. I guess he doesn't know that you can't throw hot water on frozen windows. He came up all pissed and called his insurance because he cracked the windshield. We have the same car, in the same exact color. Turns out he threw the water on mine. FML

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By YOUFUCKINGFUCKSOCK - United Kingdom - Gloucester

Today, I gave a big presentation at work, hoping to impress my boss and angle for a promotion. I was already nervous, but a co-worker at the back kept making goofy faces, causing me to repeatedly break into laughter. My boss accused me of being high, and suspended me on the spot. FML

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By really_dad?

Today, I came out to my parents. After we had a talk about them accepting me, my dad said "now get out of here you little duck sucker." FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2020 17:01 - United States - Kalamazoo

I'm worth it

Today, I realized after seeing my ex in his new relationship that he does everything for her that I always wanted him to do for me. Sucks not being worth it. FML

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By scarred for life - United States - Carmel

Today, I realized my recent weight loss probably wasn't caused by working out and eating more healthily. It was from the tapeworm I discovered hanging out my ass after I took a crap. I had to pull it out with my bare hands. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, I felt some serious gas building up while at the supermarket. I tried to quietly fart it out, only to end up sharting myself. I had to frantically waddle out of the store as discreetly as possible as several people in the vicinity freaked out and tried to locate the source of the smell. FML

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By Anon - 6/4/2021 07:00 - United Kingdom

Tense

Today, my doctor told me if my blood pressure gets any higher, he could use me to reinflate the air in his tyres. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to Sunday school for the first time. The priest assured us we could ask him anything, so I did. When class ended the priest pulled me and my mom aside and asked her to stop bringing me to Sunday school until "she learns not to question the bible and accept what she is told". FML

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By alejita - United States

Today, I overheard my daughter compliment my mother by saying "My mom is way flabbier than you, Grandma." When I told her later that she hurt my feelings, she told me to "man up." She's seven. FML

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By Alexandra - United States - Gaithersburg

Today, I found out that my boyfriend and one of his friends have been having sex with each other. His excuse? "She's my best friend, we do this all the time." I have been dating him for over a year. FML

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By Ackno

Today, I was having sex with my husband when the pores on his forehead triggered my trypophobia. We had to stop before I had a panic attack. FML

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By - France

Today, I'm a recovering alcoholic and drug addict. On new years, my mom called and asked what kind of champagne I want. FML

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By Iabnysmwytm - 29/7/2020 14:01

Yeah, that's the same

Today, we were talking about discrimination. I shared my story of being denied housing and a job offer because I'm trans. Some doofus tried to compare it to the time he was denied a car loan due to not having credit history. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sparks

Today, I got a picture message from my aunt that said, "9 out of 10 kids get their awesomeness from their aunt." Normally, I would have agreed, except she forgot my birthday yesterday. FML

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By FlatTire - United States

Today, I found out that I have enough driving skills to manage to hit a pothole and have two of my tires go flat. FML

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By BadBoyfriend - United States - El Paso

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me for not remembering our anniversary. Our three week anniversary. FML

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By lk07

Today, when I bent down to get something off a low shelf at the grocery store, I felt my shorts split wide open at the butt. All my husband did was make jokes about "that's not how you do the splits." FML

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By allocomrade - United States

Today, my wife told me she wanted a divorce. She also confessed that she has been cheating on me with my best friend for 10 years. I appreciated the honesty, but was slightly upset considering we have only been married for 9 years. FML

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By sacked - United States

Today, I was woken by my alarm. I got really tangled up in my blankets, and struggled frantically to untangle myself so I could turn off the alarm. I not only kneed myself in the face, but I accidentally punched myself in the nuts too. Hard. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my dad made me figure out how to disable the adult content filters on our internet. He spent what must have been a full 10 minutes on a distracting, long-winded speech about how he doesn't want to look up porn, but "it's just the principle of the damn thing". Sure, dad. Sure. FML

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By Enrique - United States

Today, I work at McDonalds. I burned my hand while cleaning their grill and have a 2nd/3rd degree burn from my pinky to my wrist. When told about this, my manager told me that there was "nothing that they could do for me and to tough it out". However I was given a free McFlurry. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, one of my employees was fired for refusing to do a basic job necessity. After the meeting with HR, he left the office and tried to go back to work. FML

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By Squid - Australia - Hornsby

Today, I found a limp head of celery in the fridge. I thought it looked like the squid alien baby from Men in Black. After nursing it for a couple of hours, giving it food, and rocking it to sleep, my parents found me. Then I realised it was just celery. Too bad it took that long for my meds to kick in. FML

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By Josh - United States - Fenton

Today, some guy on the street threatened to stab me. I called his bluff, and walked away. He wasn't bluffing. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Alings?s

Today, the paternity test came back. It's like I suspected all along; my "son" is actually my half-brother. FML

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By VacationTSA - United States

Today, I woke up in a girls bed, that I have had a crush on for two years. She was sleeping on the floor with someone else. FML

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By heathenhaha - Singapore - Singapore

Done for

Today, I became the center of attraction of my office floor after sending my resumé to my work Whatsapp group, asking them to share with their friends for job openings. My VP is owner of the group. FML

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By antwhite1987 - United States - Chicago

Today, my 5 year-old daughter saw me getting ready to sit down in a fold-out camp chair, and told me, with a big smile on her face, "Daddy, you're too fat to sit in that chair. You'll break it with your big butt." Out of the mouths of babes, I guess. FML

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By suckmeoff - United States

Today, it was my birthday. My grandma gave me a hug and a check after wishing me a happy birthday and walked away giggling. I was excited because it was the only gift I had gotten all day. Ten minutes later, I realized that it was actually just my tax refund. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, a week after my son was born via C-section, I received 3 messages from 3 different women saying that they had recently slept with my fiancé. One of them said they tested positive for herpes. FML

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By Lissa

All the single ladies (All the single ladies)

Today, I’m a 28 year-old single mom who has never has never experienced an orgasm. This sucks. FML

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Top comments

By whatwhat | 0

#1050 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 13:27

aww, how precious

By wtf_fml | 0

#1086 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 19:02

yeah she was probably just really shy. don't take it personally.

COMMENTS

By whatwhat | 0

#1050 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 13:27

aww, how precious

By sexycani | 0

#1067 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 16:38

ha ha i love kids! they are the best...

By wtf_fml | 0

#1086 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 19:02

yeah she was probably just really shy. don't take it personally.

By Fweeny | 0

#1114 - Tuesday 10 February 2009 22:48

it's just funny, i appreciate it !

By Lou_Briccant | 0

#1146 - Wednesday 11 February 2009 0:39

Damn kids. Back in my day, we didn't have kids. We were built in the good ole factories of America.

By ChaosChild | 0

#6139 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 1:56

My my what an angry child. She'll grow up to be president someday...

By samenames | 0

#6643 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 22:33

LOL, what did her mom say?

By hotdamn | 0

#11285 - Monday 2 March 2009 19:57

Start them off young!

By redhead10 | 0

#16727 - Thursday 5 March 2009 21:37

haaa wtf

By lifepwns | 0

#45843 - Friday 20 March 2009 21:49

haha that kid rules.