Intimacy: Today, I grabbed my t-shirt off the floor beside the bed and...

By Username - United States

Today, I grabbed my t-shirt off the floor beside the bed and got up to walk my boyfriends dog. After several trips around the block and plenty of strange looks I got back upstairs and saw the used condom stuck to my sleeve from the night before. FML

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Intimacy

Taking stock

Mama's boy

Own it

By Ashe - Australia - Carrum

Today, I was admitted to hospital for suspected kidney failure. I called my best friend to let her know I couldn't make it to her birthday party tonight. She seemed to be infinitely more upset that I wouldn't be able to give her a birthday present. FML

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By MisterT - United States

Today, my kitchen sink was clogged. I poured a bottle of Drano down and came back two hours later. The clog is still there, but the glue on the pipe is not and now there is Drano-water all over the floor, staining and dissolving everything in my kitchen. FML

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By Anonymous

Tonight, on Asshole Bosses…

Today, my boss gave me attitude for not going to back to work this Friday. I'm a massage therapist and where I live, it's currently illegal to practice during the pandemic. FML

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By Nic - United States

Today, after sleeping in, I finally sorted through a stack of mail I had been putting off and I found a Jury summons. Thinking it must be coming up soon, I checked the date, my appearance is scheduled for 7:45am on November 16th. Today is November 17th. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bowler

Today, my girlfriend asked me not to love her so much, so she doesn't have to try so hard to match my love for her. What the fuck? FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got a call from my 14-year-old step-daughter while I was out. She'd left nail polish in her pocket when she'd tried to wash the clothes. I now have hot pink streaks on most of my work clothes. FML

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By Xia - United States

Today, I spilled a half bottle of superglue on my hands. I also found out that cold water only makes it harden faster. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, a parent came into my class and told one of my 6 year old students that their grandma died. Then the parent left. The kid started crying from the news, which then got all the other students crying. I spent the rest of the day comforting a class of kids crying over someone else's grandma. FML

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By toothbreaker - United States - Tucson

Today, I bought my very first college textbook. I received a stack of hole-punched papers. My $195 "book" isn’t even bound together. FML

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By Oops - United Kingdom

Today, a friend asked me if I'd buy him some condoms because he's too shy to buy them himself. I obliged and whilst queuing at the till to buy them I felt someone tap my shoulder. I turned around to see my fiancée glaring at me. We don't use condoms. FML

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By Tally - Canada

Today, I got flowers at work. I was excited until I saw they were from my good friend saying, "Sorry for sleeping with your boyfriend!" FML

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By Oops

Today, I went commando for the first time at school. It went really well until gym class, when I got distracted and changed like I normally do. I didn’t realize my mistake until my friends started laughing. I accidentally stripped in front of my whole class. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Santa Barbara

Today, I woke up with horrible pain in my gut. It got worse and worse, and I started vomiting from the pain. My mom said it was flu and that I needed to "man up." It turned out to be appendicitis, and I'm now typing this from my hospital bed. FML

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By Bhrugu - 3/5/2021 11:32 - India - Hyderabad

Covid depression

Today, after a month of online school due to the second wave of Covid in India, I discovered that I have lost the ability to enjoy most of everything I used to. I can't enjoy reading, eating, music, or everything else. The doctor says it's anhedonia. I'm not depressed, or at least that's I think. FML

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By fisherman - United States

Today, I went fishing with friends looking to catch big redfish. During the trip, one of the men caught a 50 pound monster which I put away. At the end of the trip they wanted to take a picture with it. I went to wash off the fish in the water. Apparently the fish wasn't dead and swam away. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2020 05:01 - United States - Lake Butler

Spy vs. Spy

Today, I panicked when I realized two of my diaries were missing. I turned the house upside down, and found them in the guest room, tucked away in a dresser drawer. My only visitor in the last six months was my mom. I’m 37 years old. FML

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By Richard - France

Today, there was a new and extremely attractive girl at youth group, so I decided to introduce myself. Her reply was, "Wow, I've always wanted to meet a gay guy!" FML

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By mrteacher - United States

Today, I was driving to work and I had to pee really badly. I am a teacher and my school was another 20 miles so I stopped on the side of the road. About halfway through, a bus full of laughing kids went by. They were all my students. My pants were down. FML

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By madeline9322 - Canada

Today, the lack of heating in my room has gotten to the point where I have to cuddle my clothes for the next day at night so they're not freezing when I wake up. FML

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By really - United States - Bonney Lake

The scientific method

Today, my boyfriend thought he could make a pregnancy test read positive by jizzing on it. FML

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By NotANaturist - United Kingdom

Today, I came home from a new years party wearing a shower curtain and nothing else. FML

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By reb2632 - United States

Today, I picked up my 4-year-old daughter from day care. As we're driving home, a butterfly lands on the windshield. Just as my daughter comments on how pretty the butterfly is, I turned a corner and accidentally hit the windshield wipers and smeared the pretty butterfly across the windshield. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Kristianstad

Today, while I was waiting for the train, a woman sat next to me. Her dog jumped up between us and I started petting it. She took this to mean we were now close enough for her to tell me in detail about her experience so far going through the menopause. FML

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By emasculated 10000% - Sweden - Ljungby

Today, I was out with my grandma when a pair of very shady guys approached us in the street, hands in their pockets. Without breaking stride, she pulled a knife out of her handbag and told them they'd better keep walking. They did. What the fuck, gran? FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Meredith

Today, I tried to impress my girlfriend by vaulting over the side of a stairway rail parkour-style. Now I feel like I almost broke my legs, and judging by her hysterical laughter, she considers me more of a fool than a stud. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I went into my office and told my boss that I hated my job and was quitting on the spot. I tried to leave quickly but I slipped and fell on the marble floor right in front of everybody during my exit. FML

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By ribbonsundone - United States

Today, I treated my friends to lunch at a posh restaurant because it's my birthday. While we were walking leisurely around the mall afterwards, their boyfriends showed up. I spent the next few hours walking alone behind them while they were walking hand in hand with their boyfriends. FML

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By SureDoesMakeAGirlFeelGood - Canada - Paradise

Today, I found out that my husband has more topless pictures of his ex on his computer than he does of me. FML

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By Hit and Run - 13/7/2021 07:59 - United States

Alas, poor Donald

Today, while driving, I put on my hazards and slowed to a stop to let a family of geese cross the street. The pick-up truck behind me however, decided to change lanes and speed off, running over at least half of them. FML

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By Anonymous

Zoomers zooming

Today, I was blowing my husband when we heard that distinctive shutter noise, and we realised our daughter had taken a photo of us. Apparently, she meant to take a video because she knows a website where any kind of "spying on people having sex" video will earn her $50. FML

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By Rebecca - United States - Bloomfield

Today, my mom admitted that the only reason she took me out for lunch was because she felt guilty over going on a massive shopping spree for my sister while I was forced to stay home alone. I thanked her for the Wendy's meal anyway. FML

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By FML - Canada

Today, my girlfriend's mom and dad walked in on us while we were playing naked twister. FML

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By makehimscrubit - United States - Hawthorne

Today, I found out the guys I live with have an ongoing contest to see if they can hit targets on the inside of the toilet lid with urine when they pee. I could forgive this in my seven-year-old son, but not my forty-year-old husband. FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, I was bored so I got my little brother's toy spaceship and a teddy bear, went to my room and started flying them around, having dog fights, making explosion noises and humming epic orchestral music. My mom opened my bedroom door, showing our new hot female neighbour around the house. I'm 19. FML

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By fianceeless - United States

Today, my extremely superstitious girlfriend called me and said she couldn't make it to the date I had planned tonight. Her reason? "I sense something horrible is going to happen." I was planning to propose. FML

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By anon - United States - York

Today, I was giving a tour of my boat to a man who seemed interested in purchasing it. Everything was going great. That is, until, the motor stopped running in the middle of the ocean. FML

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By apav - Australia

Today, I had my first appearance in a court as an attorney. I called the prosecution the prostitution. FML

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By whoops - Canada - Ottawa

Today, at my football game, I turned around to spit so that it would be away from my teammates. I ended up spitting on a 10-year-old kid walking behind me. FML

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By Battlebarney - United States - Washington

Today, I learned that the burning sensation I get on my balls isn't from when my girlfriend poured hot sauce on my balls as a prank, it's actually gonorrhea. FML

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By RaceCar - United States

Today, it's my sixteenth birthday and my mom promised me she'd buy me a car. She came home with a toy lego car. FML

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Top comments

By mandi4murphy | 0

#2439424 - Sunday 1 May 2011 19:05

I'm pretty sure you should have seen that before you left the house hun. gross

By juliahockey | 0

#2439411 - Sunday 1 May 2011 19:04

that's disgusting. YDI definitley.

COMMENTS

By juliahockey | 0

#2439411 - Sunday 1 May 2011 19:04

that's disgusting. YDI definitley.

ImThePope | 2

#2439507 - Sunday 1 May 2011 19:14

Agreed, if you are having sex with condoms, then... maybe... just maybe... you should throw the condom away after...

Hotlanta | 5

#2439523 - Sunday 1 May 2011 19:17

hahaha disgusting yes but at least everyone now knows that she practicses safe sex!

MC18 | 0

#2439671 - Sunday 1 May 2011 19:44

Well you don't see that everyday...haha

Predental | 5

#2439757 - Sunday 1 May 2011 19:56

I like how nobody told her about the condom

ImaWiseGuy | 5

#2439796 - Sunday 1 May 2011 20:04

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

SunshineBoy21 | 0

#2440163 - Sunday 1 May 2011 21:32

Blame it on the dog. Just like you do when you fart. ;)

mandipandi30 | 0

#2440384 - Sunday 1 May 2011 22:23

hahaha^^

T3P33_fml | 0

#2440950 - Sunday 1 May 2011 22:38

they kept it to use it again the next night.

juliahockey | 0

#2440977 - Sunday 1 May 2011 22:47

i agree with 10.
it's not THAT hard to go to a garbage and throw it out -.-

Snookie123Babe | 0

#2442359 - Monday 2 May 2011 2:53

no duh! moron!

littlemissFYL | 5

#2442490 - Monday 2 May 2011 3:16

my grandma did that once.

browntiga | 0

#2445894 - Monday 2 May 2011 17:11

lol long walk of shame

By mandi4murphy | 0

#2439424 - Sunday 1 May 2011 19:05

I'm pretty sure you should have seen that before you left the house hun. gross

tub944 | 0

#2441047 - Sunday 1 May 2011 23:17

YDI for not looking

heybowchick | 0

#2485257 - Monday 9 May 2011 23:46

At least they all know that you have safe sex! :D

By Birdie33429 | 7

#2439438 - Sunday 1 May 2011 19:06

Day made.

comepoopwithme | 0

#2441892 - Monday 2 May 2011 1:10

some guys night made

ipodseller | 0

#2442069 - Monday 2 May 2011 1:47

₩§

By cheskiiie | 0

#2439452 - Sunday 1 May 2011 19:08

LOL omg, well that's awkward.

K2Phresh | 1

#2439867 - Sunday 1 May 2011 20:18

no shit

thatbitch99 | 0

#2442945 - Monday 2 May 2011 4:33

wtf is ur problem.. do you know what akward is? ur face

livin_plur | 0

#2443543 - Monday 2 May 2011 6:16

who pissed in ur frootloops 109?

TinyDude | 10

#2443584 - Monday 2 May 2011 6:25

i think 4 is pretty hot 109. u should stop raging just cause shes cuter den u.

zebragirl75 | 0

#2448941 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 2:52

no. shit. sherlock.(: ahaha.

By The_Voytek_Bear | 14

#2439461 - Sunday 1 May 2011 19:09

Now you know why the pill is better. ]:->

NStarB | 13

#2439564 - Sunday 1 May 2011 19:24

agree

Sprocket | 5

#2439738 - Sunday 1 May 2011 19:51

The pill doesn't protect from STDs. They are BF and GF, not married...

dudeitsdanny | 9

#2439789 - Sunday 1 May 2011 20:03

And everyone knows that marriage protects you from STDs in a way just being in a relationship can't. /sarcasm

KiddNYC1O | 20

#2439972 - Sunday 1 May 2011 20:49

If elaborated, 39 is right.

jupiter80 | 0

#2441109 - Sunday 1 May 2011 23:37

51- yea cause everyone loves STD's, u can never be to sure, sometimes ppl don't know
if they have an STD

Whydoesthishappe_fml | 0

#2441245 - Sunday 1 May 2011 23:50

Ya but at least I do nt have aids lol

xchica365x | 0

#2442685 - Monday 2 May 2011 3:50

truee

mikeduse | 0

#2443917 - Monday 2 May 2011 7:39

neither do condoms, they can help prevent but it's nit guaranteed

By RideOrDie1248 | 0

#2439475 - Sunday 1 May 2011 19:10

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

atthegates | 0

#2439534 - Sunday 1 May 2011 19:18

the shower would in no way remove the condom from that shirt....

CateXOX | 0

#2439625 - Sunday 1 May 2011 19:37

It would if you wore your shirt in the shower, or am I the only one that does that?

Lennsik | 4

#2439655 - Sunday 1 May 2011 19:42

Pretty sure you're the only one that does that, 25.

wisericky | 12

#2439734 - Sunday 1 May 2011 19:51

i always shower with all my clothes on. i save so much because i never have to do laundry.

MissBunny25 | 0

#2441069 - Sunday 1 May 2011 23:23

25, I shower with my clothes on. to dry my clothes I wipe then off with a towel. then I hop in the dryer.

jupiter80 | 0

#2441117 - Sunday 1 May 2011 23:38

I'm I the only one who showers naked?! :P

darcimckeown | 3

#2442801 - Monday 2 May 2011 4:11

I shower naked!

mandiegayle | 0

#2466422 - Friday 6 May 2011 5:24

me too!!!

iJasper | 8

#2499533 - Thursday 12 May 2011 23:34

LOL

By Ali_Br_fml | 33

#2439477 - Sunday 1 May 2011 19:11

Omg, how unfortunate... Well, the neighborhood knows what you've been up to now... At least it wasn't an exploded centipede...

BWill9014 | 4

#2440324 - Sunday 1 May 2011 22:09

I see what you did there

By jbird1193 | 3

#2439482 - Sunday 1 May 2011 19:11

ummm.. at least you used one?? idk anything else positive to say

Athlete101 | 0

#2440155 - Sunday 1 May 2011 21:29

true

By Gross2332 | 0

#2439490 - Sunday 1 May 2011 19:12

The neighbors must be jeolous of you know OP

Marianette | 0

#2442461 - Monday 2 May 2011 3:14

high end fashion.

By snorlaxxx | 0

#2439517 - Sunday 1 May 2011 19:15

eeeeek .