Today, I grabbed my t-shirt off the floor beside the bed and...

By Username - 1/5/2011 08:20 - United States

Today, I grabbed my t-shirt off the floor beside the bed and got up to walk my boyfriends dog. After several trips around the block and plenty of strange looks I got back upstairs and saw the used condom stuck to my sleeve from the night before. FML

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Intimacy

Proactive

Workaholic

A beautiful truck decoration

By lolilovemyboyfriend - 19/10/2011 14:37 - United States

Today, my eleven year old sister came in, and bitched to me and my boyfriend about how she was going to tell my mom about the used condom she found. My boyfriend punched her in the face. FML

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By Why Charlie!? WHY!? - 9/8/2018 13:00

Today, I woke up seeing my neighbor's 5-year-old daughter next to me. She said good morning and handed me a note from her dad saying that I owe him and he's cashing in. So, I'm babysitting as her parents escape to the Bahamas for 2 weeks. My annual 2 weeks vacation starts today too. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/12/2011 00:10 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend proposed. I fainted due to the excitement. He took it as a "no" and won't pick up my calls. FML

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By TheIrony - 19/7/2016 21:50 - United States

Today, while driving I saw a police car riding along next to me. Thinking about the news recently, I decided to give him a quick thumbs up and a smile to lighten up his day. He looks back, smiles, flips on his siren, and pulls me over for not paying attention to the road. FML

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By Ugggggggggg - 6/11/2012 05:11 - United States - Lynnwood

Today, I woke up with a wax strip on my chest and my girlfriend sitting next to me on the bed laughing. She pulled the strip. I screamed. FML

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By izziegrl - 24/9/2012 18:21 - Mexico - Naucalpan

Today, I realized that I spend more money on gas to go to my job than what I get paid. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/6/2020 14:02

Always wear protective gear

Today, while nailing a board down, I hit my thumb with the hammer. As I reached to console my throbbing finger, I dropped the hammer on my foot. When I went down to hold my foot, I smacked my head on the board. Now I've got a concussion, a smashed finger, and a bruised foot. FML

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By Gigi - 5/9/2012 04:29 - United States

Today, my crush asked to use my phone so he could Google something. Flattered that he wanted to use my phone, I agreed. After he was done, he handed it back with a weird look. I later realized he had found himself in my top searches. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2016 05:53 - United States - Houston

Today, I found out my brand new $3,000 mattress that is supposed to relieve my back pain works amazingly. I only discovered this because my wife, son, daughter, dog, and two cats are all asleep on it and not waking up. FML

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By KitCatAttack - 11/10/2020 10:06

Hit and miss

Today, I told my close friend that I have a thing for him. His reaction? "Oh, fuck." FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2013 05:01 - United States - Monterey

Today, my grandmother made a rule that every time we take a crap, she has to examine the turds to make sure they aren't big enough to clog up the pipes. I don't know what's worse: that she looks at my turds, or the fact that she actively comments on them. FML

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By Username - 3/3/2010 16:34 - France

Today, I found out exactly what Ducolax stool softener is all about. Holy colon cleanse Batman! FML

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By Gabriel A - 15/1/2011 04:05 - United States

Today, I found some nude vintage pictures in my house. I decided to beat my meat to them. Later I found out it was my grandma. FML

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By D - 3/9/2013 18:04 - United States - Pleasanton

Today, I had to calm my hallucinating mom after she accidentally overdosed on one of her pills, then spend ages trying to protect her from the "monkey" on the wall. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2012 10:39 - Australia

Today, I played Call Of Duty online against someone who turned out to be wanking. FML

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By anonymous - 12/12/2011 00:01 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, and gave his little speech, over the phone. He did all this while his ass was firmly planted in a chair in the next room. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2012 04:16 - United States

Today, I was shaving naked in my cold bathroom before showering. My wife walked up behind me, yelled "Shrinkage!" and flicked the head of my penis as hard as she could. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/7/2011 17:11 - United States

Today, I got a completely random boner at a coffee shop, five seconds before two attractive women asked me to stand up and take their picture. FML

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By BNLM - 9/3/2010 01:11 - United States

Today, I found the purity ring I lost a year ago. Too bad I lost my virginity 4 months ago. FML

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By D.J. - 25/1/2014 01:34 - United States - Houston

Today, I ran into my apartment and let one rip, since I'd been holding it the whole elevator ride up. My parents had let themselves in while I was out, and laughed at me for a good 20 minutes. FML

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By cadillacfrank - 24/7/2011 21:01 - United States

Today, I was dared to eat durian. With my reputation hanging in the balance, I bought one. Only after I opened it did I realize the extent of the dare. It smelled and tasted like dried cat shit that Satan himself had regurgitated. FML

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By Sessionsjc - 23/3/2018 01:00 - United States - Boca Raton

Today, during my run through a nature preserve, I rounded the corner to a pair of legs sticking out on the trail. My first thought was that someone was hurt, but as I got closer I realized it was one guy blowing another on the side of the trail. I had to jump over his legs. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2019 10:15 - Australia - Hornsby

The appearance

Today, I find why my long term boyfriend has not been interested in sex for the last 3 months. It’s because I’m fat. While I could probably lose a few, I am not obese and I am the one that has lead healthy eating and exercise in our house. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2011 05:54 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend is cheating on me with a woman twice my age. I'm 32. FML

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By Wrenda Witt - 15/6/2020 14:02

Not interested

Today, it has officially been two and half months since I've had sex. I've done everything imaginable to entice him, but my boyfriend doesn't seem bothered at all. FML

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By Mellamononeyobiz - 13/1/2016 02:10 - United States - Hooper

Today, my mom smoked pot in my sister's bedroom while I was at school. When I noticed the stench, she blamed the cat. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/4/2009 04:38 - United States

Today, I went to the mall with a couple of friends. While walking through the parking lot, we saw a very dirty car. You couldn't even see the inside of the car through the windows. I thought it would be funny to trace on the window, "Wash Me." After doing so, the driver got out of the car. FML

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By heartbroken - 22/1/2010 01:18 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me, all because whenever I laugh I say "lol." FML

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By She totally did not cheat - 15/8/2018 22:00

Today, for our third anniversary, I gave my fiancée a necklace she always wanted. She gave me herpes. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2010 08:09 - United States

Today, my daughter learned that if she rips a toy out of its package in front of a store employee, mommy will be forced to buy it. She now has two new toys today. FML

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By ZombieMommy - 10/3/2017 05:00 - United States - Conroe

Plooped

Today, I was pouring milk into my coffee and, as it plooped into my mug, I noticed the expiration date on the jug passed 2 weeks ago. Nobody here drinks milk very often and I ran out of creamer so I've been unknowingly drinking my coffee with curdled milk for the past 3 days. FML

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By EconM - 3/10/2013 15:38 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went to one of the United States Mints since he enjoys coins. He looked at the money and seriously said, "I have such a hard on". He did. FML

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By Nick - 16/3/2009 05:08 - Canada

Today, I was talking to this hot girl I have dinner with every week. Lately she’s always telling me how she loves me and I do the same. Today she said: "The way we talk and act around each other, people would think we were dating." My answer was: "Aren't we?". FML

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By creeped out - 12/6/2012 18:28 - United States - Smithtown

Today, my identical twin sister's boyfriend walked over to me, and whispered in my ear, "I know what you look like naked." FML

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By its_all_legit - 19/3/2009 03:47 - United States

Today, my parents, who are out of town but driving back tomorrow, called to see how I was doing. They asked if I'd thrown a party in their absence, and I said no. My dad replied, "Well I'm currently looking at pictures on Facebook of our kitchen with beer and a bong on the table." FML

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By kagan - 8/8/2019 14:00

Today, the only food in the house is canned beans and vegetables that I can’t stand. My dad refuses to go to the store because, "we can't afford it." Meanwhile, my stepmom just came home with a brand new Gucci purse. FML

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By ThoroughlyCreepedOut - 7/3/2010 00:22 - United States

Today, while in a public restroom, a man entered the stall next to me and began vigorously wanking. He finished quickly, but as he was leaving he peeped in at me through the crack in the stall door. FML

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By Bobsaget00 - 4/8/2011 10:19 - United States

Today, I realized burying my dog underneath our swing-set was a bad idea. My two sons are now scarred for life. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2011 12:40 - Australia

Today, working at a daycare centre, when packing up the kids' beds after sleep time, I slipped and landed in a puddle. Of urine. I had no spare pants. I had to wear them for the rest of my shift. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2014 15:50 - United States

Today, I went to the mall. A little girl was walking around and telling everyone that they were pretty. When she got to me, she gave me a disgusted look and walked away. FML

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Top comments

By mandi4murphy | 0

#2439424 - Sunday 1 May 2011 19:05

I'm pretty sure you should have seen that before you left the house hun. gross

By juliahockey | 0

#2439411 - Sunday 1 May 2011 19:04

that's disgusting. YDI definitley.

COMMENTS

By juliahockey | 0

#2439411 - Sunday 1 May 2011 19:04

that's disgusting. YDI definitley.

ImThePope | 2

#2439507 - Sunday 1 May 2011 19:14

Agreed, if you are having sex with condoms, then... maybe... just maybe... you should throw the condom away after...

Hotlanta | 5

#2439523 - Sunday 1 May 2011 19:17

hahaha disgusting yes but at least everyone now knows that she practicses safe sex!

MC18 | 0

#2439671 - Sunday 1 May 2011 19:44

Well you don't see that everyday...haha

Predental | 5

#2439757 - Sunday 1 May 2011 19:56

I like how nobody told her about the condom

ImaWiseGuy | 5

#2439796 - Sunday 1 May 2011 20:04

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

SunshineBoy21 | 0

#2440163 - Sunday 1 May 2011 21:32

Blame it on the dog. Just like you do when you fart. ;)

mandipandi30 | 0

#2440384 - Sunday 1 May 2011 22:23

hahaha^^

T3P33_fml | 0

#2440950 - Sunday 1 May 2011 22:38

they kept it to use it again the next night.

juliahockey | 0

#2440977 - Sunday 1 May 2011 22:47

i agree with 10.
it's not THAT hard to go to a garbage and throw it out -.-

Snookie123Babe | 0

#2442359 - Monday 2 May 2011 2:53

no duh! moron!

littlemissFYL | 5

#2442490 - Monday 2 May 2011 3:16

my grandma did that once.

browntiga | 0

#2445894 - Monday 2 May 2011 17:11

lol long walk of shame

By mandi4murphy | 0

#2439424 - Sunday 1 May 2011 19:05

I'm pretty sure you should have seen that before you left the house hun. gross

tub944 | 0

#2441047 - Sunday 1 May 2011 23:17

YDI for not looking

heybowchick | 0

#2485257 - Monday 9 May 2011 23:46

At least they all know that you have safe sex! :D

By Birdie33429 | 7

#2439438 - Sunday 1 May 2011 19:06

Day made.

comepoopwithme | 0

#2441892 - Monday 2 May 2011 1:10

some guys night made

ipodseller | 0

#2442069 - Monday 2 May 2011 1:47

₩§

By cheskiiie | 0

#2439452 - Sunday 1 May 2011 19:08

LOL omg, well that's awkward.

K2Phresh | 1

#2439867 - Sunday 1 May 2011 20:18

no shit

thatbitch99 | 0

#2442945 - Monday 2 May 2011 4:33

wtf is ur problem.. do you know what akward is? ur face

livin_plur | 0

#2443543 - Monday 2 May 2011 6:16

who pissed in ur frootloops 109?

TinyDude | 10

#2443584 - Monday 2 May 2011 6:25

i think 4 is pretty hot 109. u should stop raging just cause shes cuter den u.

zebragirl75 | 0

#2448941 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 2:52

no. shit. sherlock.(: ahaha.

By The_Voytek_Bear | 14

#2439461 - Sunday 1 May 2011 19:09

Now you know why the pill is better. ]:->

NStarB | 13

#2439564 - Sunday 1 May 2011 19:24

agree

Sprocket | 5

#2439738 - Sunday 1 May 2011 19:51

The pill doesn't protect from STDs. They are BF and GF, not married...

dudeitsdanny | 9

#2439789 - Sunday 1 May 2011 20:03

And everyone knows that marriage protects you from STDs in a way just being in a relationship can't. /sarcasm

KiddNYC1O | 20

#2439972 - Sunday 1 May 2011 20:49

If elaborated, 39 is right.

jupiter80 | 0

#2441109 - Sunday 1 May 2011 23:37

51- yea cause everyone loves STD's, u can never be to sure, sometimes ppl don't know
if they have an STD

Whydoesthishappe_fml | 0

#2441245 - Sunday 1 May 2011 23:50

Ya but at least I do nt have aids lol

xchica365x | 0

#2442685 - Monday 2 May 2011 3:50

truee

mikeduse | 0

#2443917 - Monday 2 May 2011 7:39

neither do condoms, they can help prevent but it's nit guaranteed

By RideOrDie1248 | 0

#2439475 - Sunday 1 May 2011 19:10

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

atthegates | 0

#2439534 - Sunday 1 May 2011 19:18

the shower would in no way remove the condom from that shirt....

CateXOX | 0

#2439625 - Sunday 1 May 2011 19:37

It would if you wore your shirt in the shower, or am I the only one that does that?

Lennsik | 4

#2439655 - Sunday 1 May 2011 19:42

Pretty sure you're the only one that does that, 25.

wisericky | 12

#2439734 - Sunday 1 May 2011 19:51

i always shower with all my clothes on. i save so much because i never have to do laundry.

MissBunny25 | 0

#2441069 - Sunday 1 May 2011 23:23

25, I shower with my clothes on. to dry my clothes I wipe then off with a towel. then I hop in the dryer.

jupiter80 | 0

#2441117 - Sunday 1 May 2011 23:38

I'm I the only one who showers naked?! :P

darcimckeown | 3

#2442801 - Monday 2 May 2011 4:11

I shower naked!

mandiegayle | 0

#2466422 - Friday 6 May 2011 5:24

me too!!!

iJasper | 8

#2499533 - Thursday 12 May 2011 23:34

LOL

By Ali_Br_fml | 33

#2439477 - Sunday 1 May 2011 19:11

Omg, how unfortunate... Well, the neighborhood knows what you've been up to now... At least it wasn't an exploded centipede...

BWill9014 | 4

#2440324 - Sunday 1 May 2011 22:09

I see what you did there

By jbird1193 | 3

#2439482 - Sunday 1 May 2011 19:11

ummm.. at least you used one?? idk anything else positive to say

Athlete101 | 0

#2440155 - Sunday 1 May 2011 21:29

true

By Gross2332 | 0

#2439490 - Sunday 1 May 2011 19:12

The neighbors must be jeolous of you know OP

Marianette | 0

#2442461 - Monday 2 May 2011 3:14

high end fashion.

By snorlaxxx | 0

#2439517 - Sunday 1 May 2011 19:15

eeeeek .