Today, I got written up because I took a dump at work that lasted... - FML

By a816090

Today, I got written up because I took a dump at work that lasted longer than 5 minutes, and I didn't punch out for it as a "paid break." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1983

You deserved it

127

Tweet

Share

Commando

Mother of the year

On the beat

By Anonymous - 1/3/2021 23:01

Hesitation

Today, I got a great job offer but things are constantly changing at my current position due to COVID. So I was honest and told them I wanted to see what my employer could offer. They took back their offer and gave it to someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks

338

You deserved it

1570

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 13/4/2021 05:00 - United States - Elyria

Crank time

Today, four months into a deep depression, I now have a new involuntary reaction to being sad and angry. I constantly have an erection when I'm feeling really down or pissed off, even when I cry. FML

I agree, your life sucks

854

You deserved it

97

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - San Diego

Today, after a surprise candlelit dinner and a two bottles of wine for my birthday, my boyfriend and I decided to take a sexy shower together. It ended with us both drunk, naked, and crying, wedged into a small tub together, talking about our dead pets. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36901

You deserved it

8413

Tweet

Share

By siannacasey - United States

Today, I left my bedroom window open to let in some fresh air while I slept. A skunk got in and sprayed my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33313

You deserved it

8629

Tweet

Share

By xmelissadavisx

Today, the man sitting next to me on the train looked like he was about to be sick. I quickly handed him the nearest bag I could find, a bag full of my lunch for that day. Safe to say he held nothing back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21488

You deserved it

3529

Tweet

Share

By Username - United States

Today, I realized that since I started working full time, the only friend I have left is my cat. Lonely and bored out of my mind, I told him about my day. He decided to end the conversation by shitting on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34866

You deserved it

6280

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Cujo 2: Electric Boogaloo

Today, I was mauled by my own dog. I own a Chihuahua. FML

I agree, your life sucks

954

You deserved it

1133

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while on my run, I was attacked by my neighbor's new dog. It apparently didn't like me running past their house and broke free from its chain. I now have stitches and was just told that I'm probably being taken to court for the emotional distress I caused her and the dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38624

You deserved it

2775

Tweet

Share

By itchybollos - Australia

Today, while grocery shopping, my Dad asked me what I wanted for 'Din-Dins' while scratching his nuts. In a crowded aisle. Wearing short shorts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33955

You deserved it

3326

Tweet

Share

By Forded - United States

Today, my minivan broke down on the side of the highway. I'm out of work and can't afford a cell phone, so I resorted to standing at the back of my van holding a "HELP" sign. About an hour went by, in which time I was passed by a cop car, a firetruck, and a car that said "Roadside Assistance." FML

I agree, your life sucks

37822

You deserved it

3665

Tweet

Share

By omgboobs - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that when my nipples are hard, he thinks that they look like giant zits, and when he squeezes them, he imagines them popping pus. He then reached for my chest. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26771

You deserved it

2753

Tweet

Share

By theoriginalkydd - Canada - Toronto

Today, I met up with my ex girlfriend for coffee. It’s been months, and I was planning on flexing on her with my new car. Turns out, she also got a new car, and it’s newer, cleaner, faster, and better on gas... FML

I agree, your life sucks

1066

You deserved it

3480

Tweet

Share

By Crashburn - United Kingdom

Today, after having a naked wrestle with my boyfriend, I discovered he'd left a skidmark on my stomach. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40762

You deserved it

15361

Tweet

Share

By bfall74 - Canada

Today, I was stood up by a blind date. After calling and texting her about being a horrible person, she called me from the hospital. She was in a car accident. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13767

You deserved it

61212

Tweet

Share

By dontbadouche - Senegal

Today, I heard the sound of footsteps in the basement. Thinking it was burglars I grabbed a baseball bat and hurried down the stairs. I then tripped on the stairs, fell down them and smacked my head on the bat. The sound of footsteps I heard? It was my cat playing in some cardboard boxes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26639

You deserved it

7210

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, the Internet wasn't working. One girl decided to try to diagnose the problem. It said to connect the Ethernet cable. She started making fun of the computer for spelling "Internet" wrong. I'm graduating with this idiot in less than a month. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46577

You deserved it

3209

Tweet

Share

By apaterra - United States

Today, I was at work at the library and a patron handed me some change. When I asked what it was for, he said he had found it in one of the urinals. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21850

You deserved it

1431

Tweet

Share

By NoColor - United States - San Francisco

Today, my little sister decided to color-in my favorite black-and-white comic book. It was worth over $200. When I told my mother, she said, "Oh that old thing? I thought it was a stupid coloring book you were too stupid to color." FML

I agree, your life sucks

43415

You deserved it

4277

Tweet

Share

By wtfman101 - United States

Today, I woke up to find the entire driver's side of my car wrecked. Front door, back door, front and rear bumper smashed to shit. A drunk driver had hit it the previous night and ran. Don't worry though, he stopped and left his insurance information. He keyed it into the undamaged side of my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54923

You deserved it

2699

Tweet

Share

By maddie94 - Australia

Stained

Today, I was in a shopping center when I went to the toilet. I came out, washed my hands and suddenly got a massive itch in my crotch. Without thinking I itched it. I then had to walk around the center with a wet hand print on my crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12354

You deserved it

54436

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Alas, poor Mickey

Today, I'm going to a cocktail event, except my dress is wrinkled and can't be ironed, so I got my steam cleaner from storage. I saw what looked like mold inside the water container. Turns out a mouse had got into it, drowned and started to decompose. My apartment now smells like death and my dress is still wrinkled. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1318

You deserved it

204

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Galesburg

Today, my clingy girlfriend refused to leave me alone long enough for me to read an article about dealing with clingy girlfriends. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46016

You deserved it

6536

Tweet

Share

By peeoncarl1111 - United States

Today, I got my wisdom teeth cut out. While my girlfriend was driving me home, I, still being high on the laughing gas, accidentally admitted to cheating on her. She was kind enough to wait until the numbness wore off before she punched me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10417

You deserved it

119083

Tweet

Share

By DumbFace714 - United States - Santa Ana

Today, my friend told me she wanted to get pregnant. I thought that was good news, but then she said she wanted my boyfriend to be the father of her baby. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38720

You deserved it

2794

Tweet

Share

By

Indebted without work

Today, my husband has to quit his job. 5 months ago, we paid a deposit on a section for our brand new house and the title and mortgage need to be finalized next week. His work is forcing him out because he wanted to do his job safely and to a high standard of workmanship. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1944

You deserved it

172

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I got to meet the guy that I have been talking to over a dating website. We were having a great time, at least until I managed to randomly fall asleep in front of him. I spent the rest of the day sending text messages trying to explain to him that I suffer from narcolepsy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10147

You deserved it

1020

Tweet

Share

By toastedguy - United States

Today, I went on my first date in a long time. We went to see "New Moon." After the girl stole my hat, I grabbed her phone. While trying to get it back, she held a lighter to me, threatening me. Next thing I know my beard is on fire, so not only did I have to sit through horrible acting, I got burnt. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37555

You deserved it

13113

Tweet

Share

By asuramaru

Knowledge is power

Today, at 19 years-old, I found out that kiwi birds aren’t actually extinct. FML

I agree, your life sucks

538

You deserved it

1175

Tweet

Share

By Christina - Canada

Today, I noticed an old bell at the bar so I rang it. It turns out that when you ring the bell, you buy shots for the whole bar. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16734

You deserved it

49644

Tweet

Share

By ICanExplain - United States - Sunnyvale

Today, after parking in the handicapped spot of a lot with my placard, an older couple with their 7-year-old grandchild came up and yelled at me for being a lying asshole and taking the parking spot. When I showed them my prosthetic leg, the kid started crying and guess who got yelled at again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32968

You deserved it

1546

Tweet

Share

By Pop - United States - New York

Today, my grandfather told me that I was ugly. When my mom found out, she said that "old people are allowed to tell the truth". FML

I agree, your life sucks

49469

You deserved it

4769

Tweet

Share

By OperaLover - United States

Today, I learned that the building I just moved into contains both a drummer and an opera singer. Both are very dedicated to their craft and practice frequently. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32037

You deserved it

3446

Tweet

Share

By Lauren - United States - New Market

Today, I had to bail on yet another date with an awesome guy. Every time I make a date, my hateful mother slips laxatives into my food so I'm glued to the shitter until 2am. This is the fourth time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37561

You deserved it

4153

Tweet

Share

By bitter cherry - United States

Today, I took a cough drop to soothe my sore throat, only to choke, gag, and spend the next ten minutes at the point of vomiting because the bitter lozenge got stuck in my windpipe. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25048

You deserved it

3717

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Romania

Today, I overheard a conversation between my boyfriend and his best friend about how to shave one's nuts completely. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33741

You deserved it

9101

Tweet

Share

By monochromatic - United States

Today, I found out that the 20% pay cut that the "management team" took at my job really only applied to... me. I also found out that my closest friend at work has been lying to me about it, and telling my boss everything I say. His pay was never cut. I guess it pays to be the boss's snitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26989

You deserved it

2488

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was getting a bikini wax to prove to my husband that I could be sexy despite being five months pregnant. As the woman was applying the wax, she said, "You know, if I wanted to, I'm in the perfect spot to reach in and steal that baby." FML

I agree, your life sucks

40636

You deserved it

5282

Tweet

Share

By Jer - United States - Louisville

Today, I knocked over a display case at a mall, shattering hundreds of dollars in goods. Embarrassed, I tried to scurry out of the nearest door without being seen. I scuttled right into the janitor's closet, the door automatically locking behind me. I waited for an hour to be let out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25038

You deserved it

48628

Tweet

Share

By TheDarth - United States - Bedford

Today, it's got to the point where my parents have to force me to plan social outings. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23782

You deserved it

5588

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 26/4/2021 11:00 - South Africa - Cape Town

The Conquest of Bread

Today, my boyfriend and I were playing around, tickling each other. He grabbed my stomach roll and told me it looked like a baguette. FML

I agree, your life sucks

735

You deserved it

228

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By bloopaloop | 27

#7806659 - Monday 27 May 2019 21:07

Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime,
That’s why I poop on company time 🎶

By RichardPencil | 30

#7806630 - Monday 27 May 2019 18:37

You get paid to shit!?!?!?

Also, whose job is it to time everyone’s defecations? Would that person describe their job literally as...

...wait on it...

...shitty?

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 30

#7806630 - Monday 27 May 2019 18:37

You get paid to shit!?!?!?

Also, whose job is it to time everyone’s defecations? Would that person describe their job literally as...

...wait on it...

...shitty?

By bloopaloop | 27

#7806659 - Monday 27 May 2019 21:07

Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime,
That’s why I poop on company time 🎶

By honestjane | 22

#7806697 - Tuesday 28 May 2019 1:46

Boss gets a dollar, I get a dime. That's why I poop on company time.

By simcityguy09 | 19

#7807593 - Thursday 30 May 2019 22:49

Your boss is legally not allowed to do that