Today, I got up early and really put some extra effort into my...

By Noname - 24/2/2009 23:00 - United States

Today, I got up early and really put some extra effort into my appearance to catch the eye of a cute guy at work. I walked in and the woman that sits in the desk beside me looks over and says, "wow, are you sick? You're not looking too good." FML

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Work

Get me away from here, I'm dying

Sister of the year

Mind your own beeswax

By dizzlewizzle - 6/3/2009 02:29 - United States

Today, I was getting restless in my psychology class. I stretched out both of my arms and hands into the aisles on either side of me, only to find myself with my teacher's package in my palm. FML

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By southernpride93 - 18/11/2011 15:26 - United States

Today, I was involved in a car accident and hit my head on the dash. I now have huge, very sore knot on my head. My boyfriend now takes every opportunity to poke it and scream "Look! A baby unicorn!" FML

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By nosey - 8/4/2013 19:20 - United Kingdom - Mountain Ash

Today, I woke up with my face covered in blood. Turns out that yesterday at my colleague's birthday party, I got so drunk that I started yelling "Nappy time!" before falling out of my hammock and face-first onto the concrete ground. FML

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By jessica - 2/2/2011 20:59 - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were having sex, he stopped, got off, walked into the kitchen grabbed a doughnut, and came back to finish while he ate it. FML

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By poor - 5/8/2019 16:01 - United States

Childish Gambino voice This is America

Today, my obnoxious neighbor once again bragged how much she gets from the government because she’s "too fat to work." Meanwhile, I had to start a gofundme after I couldn't afford dialysis from having to cut work hours so I could go to dialysis. FML

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By Noname - 25/2/2009 23:56 - United States

Today, I was on a subway with my boyfriend and it was stopping so I grabbed the pole for support. I felt another hand grabbing onto the pole knowing it was my boyfriend's. Without looking I carressed and tickled his hand. I turned around to smile at my boyfriend. The hand wasn't his. FML

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By gassygirlfriend - 10/5/2015 08:40 - United States - Nampa

Today, I was spooning with my girlfriend. She fell asleep and spent the next 15 minutes farting on me. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2015 05:01 - Canada - Lansdowne

Today, I'm warning you: never spoon naked with your girlfriend after eating taco bell. The shartpocalypse just might begin in her ass and end on your stomach. FML

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By thebiteof87 - 22/7/2015 06:32 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was reading a picture storybook to a kindergarten kid. She could pronounce more words than me, and corrected me. I'm about triple her age. FML

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By PickYourselfUp - 6/10/2014 03:17 - United States - Chesapeake

Today, was the day I would turn my life around and start losing weight. I went outside for my first run and said, "I got this!" I confidently stepped forward, the first symbolic steps to my new life. In the anticipation, I forgot my porch had steps. I face-planted on my driveway. FML

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By fmjob - 17/8/2009 03:19 - United States

Today, I got a raise. A 10 cent raise. I have worked at my job for over 3 years. I now make 20 cents more an hour than people that have only worked there 3 minutes. FML

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By anon9876542 - 20/8/2009 11:02 - Australia

Today, I drank 1.5 litres of water. I didn't go to the bathroom for 9 hours. During my one hour trek home on public transport, I was busting to pee but I managed to hold it. Walking 200m from my bus stop to my house was agony, but I still held it. When I got to my front door I peed my pants. FML

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By Dr_Dolittle - 12/1/2010 15:27 - United Kingdom

Today, my young son swung a plastic pipe, it makes a kind of whistling sound as it spins around. I was standing a little too close, luckily it missed both my legs, but hit my happy sacks full on. FML

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By _aPerson_ - 22/4/2016 15:58 - Canada - Airdrie

Today, I lost the key to my bike lock. I ended up having to cut it off, even though it was brand new. After spending 30 minutes hacking away at it, it finally came off. When I hopped onto my bike, I felt something poking my leg. My key was in my pocket the whole time. FML

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By Girl - 17/3/2010 07:05 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of more than two years told me in front of all of our friends that he'd trade me for some Playstation 3 games. I laughed it off because I thought he was kidding. He made it clear that he was serious. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/2/2013 06:20 - United States - Vancouver

Today, my manager asked me for the password to my Internet so she could Skype family since she can't pay her bill. This is the same woman who just a week ago tried to evict me because my rent was an hour late. Trying to be the bigger person, I gave her the password. She changed my password. FML

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By facepalm - 22/7/2013 20:19 - United States

Today, my dad's conspiracy theory obsession hit a new level of stupidity when he blurted "false flag" because our toaster stopped working. FML

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By brylynn - 26/8/2012 01:58 - United States

Today, I fainted during my sister's wedding because my dress was too tight. When I woke up, she slapped me hard across the face. Why? Because I "took all the attention away" from her. FML

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By Katy - 18/12/2018 14:00

Today, I fell in a vent in our floor while decorating our Christmas tree. My husband removed the grates months ago to increase airflow. I fell in past my knee and he had to pull me out by the arms. It's been four days and I can still barely walk. My office is on a second floor... We don't have an elevator. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2011 23:09 - United States

Today, I was given a DUI while in the Whataburger drive thru. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/12/2011 05:53 - United States

Today, I went caroling with some family friends. We got pelted with oranges. FML

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By UN4 - 27/5/2015 16:25 - United States

Today, one of my students tried to bribe me $200 to change his grade. When I said no and told him he was lucky I didn't report him, he went to the dean and told him I offered to change his grade for money. I'm now suspended and under investigation. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2012 06:40 - Australia - Saint Marys

Today, I overheard a girl and a guy sitting behind me on the bus who were talking about Skyrim, one of my favourite games. After a while, I turned around and, as a fellow gamer, thanked them for restoring my faith in humanity. They went very quiet. I'm now that weird guy on the bus. FML

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By Jared - 25/2/2012 19:09 - United States

Today, I got so bored that I drew a face on my index finger, and made a video of me garrotting it with a string. I ended up rupturing a blood vessel, and had to think up a cover story for my girlfriend to explain my screaming. FML

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By Nathan - 23/3/2009 20:09 - United States

Today, I went to see a therapist for the first time because I've been feeling depressed lately. I opened up and said everything that was on my mind. I really spilled my guts. After a good 30 minutes, her first question was, "Do you always talk this much?" FML

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By SpiderFather - 2/7/2013 08:01 - France

Today, my seven-year-old son put a spider in the microwave. Animal cruelty? No. The goal was to irradiate it, then get it to bite him so that he would become Spider-Man. FML

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By nodad - 11/10/2011 04:52 - United States

Today, I found out my dad stole money from me when he was arrested for buying Oxycodone from an undercover cop. FML

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By reallythough - 13/4/2013 18:07 - United Kingdom - Bicester

Today, I forgot to log out of my Facebook account before leaving for work. When I got back home, I discovered that my brother had gone through and commented "quack" on all my friend's duckfacing photos. She was not pleased. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2014 20:21 - United States

Today, after months of saving, I went to buy the wedding ring I promised to buy my fiancée. Just seconds after I walked in, the owner asked me to leave, saying he doesn't serve "trash" like me, while pointing at the memorial tattoo on the back of my hand. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/1/2019 11:00 - United States - Chicago

Today, in my sleep I let out a couple of farts. Normally this wouldn't be a big deal, but on this night I had slept in my mom's room. She came to check in on me and violently woke me up because she thought I pooped in the bed. Now my entire family knows I fart in my sleep. FML

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By maza - 9/8/2019 22:00

Today, I made a nice meal for myself and sat down to eat. Suddenly, my dad burst into my room saying, “We have to go.” This isn’t the first time it’s happened, nor was it an emergency. My family just doesn’t tell me when we have plans. FML

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By thebickster - 6/3/2009 17:58 - United States

Today, I was boarding my flight when I got pulled aside for looking suspicious. As she was opening my bag, I said, "Be careful, I jammed so many clothes in there it may explode." I was then strip searched for my trouble. FML

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By cherry - 10/4/2009 09:43 - Australia

Today, I was fooling around with someone I had met at a club, in my room. It got really heated, and I was really getting into this guy, until he lifts up my leg and asks "Can I lick your leg?" FML

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By spermbankonlegs - 16/3/2012 02:21 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of three days asked if we could start naming our future children. FML

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By milksquad - 17/7/2017 14:11

Today, my roommates adopted two kittens without consulting me. We're not allowed to have pets in our apartment and I'm severely allergic to cats. Oh well, it's not like I needed to be able to breathe this summer. FML

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By not-so-happy-feet - 14/6/2009 23:41 - Canada

Today, I was at my friends birthday party, dancing bare foot because my feet hurt from the heels. Apparently, someone dropped a glass on the dancefloor and didn't warn anybody. I ended up having to drive myself to the emergency room because all my friends were "having too much fun to leave." FML

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By Nick - 5/6/2016 21:59

Today, I was swimming in a public pool, and I felt a tug on my swimming trunks. It was my grandma snorkeling. FML

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By BrakesNotBumpers - 12/6/2015 21:09 - United States - Reading

Today, I was rear-ended. While I was yelling, "WHAT THE F..." the lady who hit me completely freaked out and drove into me again. Twice. FML

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By neversayhiagain - 10/2/2009 05:58 - United States

Today, I greeted a mom and a little girl at the place where I work. The little girl looks at me, looks back at her mom, and says, "Mommy, I hate people." FML

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By kelsey - 8/3/2009 18:10 - United States

Today, someone stole my phone at a concert. They decided it would be funny to text my mom saying I was pregnant. FML

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Top comments

By Dr_Phil | 0

#6783 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 1:45

As a doctor, I would like to remind you that surgery is always an option.

By fml0rjs | 0

#6770 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 1:34

it's funny because that implied that youre not pretty.

COMMENTS

By fml0rjs | 0

#6770 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 1:34

it's funny because that implied that youre not pretty.

responses | 0

#966311 - Monday 22 March 2010 11:39

Sounds like a personal problem. Low Self esteem? You shouldn't care what some receptionist at your workplace thinks about you unless of course she is a lesbian.

By Dr_Phil | 0

#6783 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 1:45

As a doctor, I would like to remind you that surgery is always an option.

drdingus | 27

#4076624 - Thursday 23 February 2012 10:30

Not a good option though

By mleeb | 0

#6786 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 1:49

maybe you should seek outside help.

By ilawlzatyou | 0

#6813 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 2:20

I agree with number six, but preferably help from the Clinique counter!

By ZING_MASTER | 0

#6897 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 4:36

HEY #5 BACK THE FUCK OFF

UNLESS YOU WANNA GET ZINGED BY THE MASTER

By the_boss_fml | 0

#6909 - Wednesday 25 February 2009 5:09

hahahahahaha

ill zing your ass bitch

RoyalSwag | 0

#3743027 - Saturday 17 December 2011 2:32

Ahahaha

By graceeleandra | 0

#7437 - Thursday 26 February 2009 2:27

i hope you told her she looked like she got hit by a bus... repeatedly

By iwontusemyname | 0

#10680 - Monday 2 March 2009 6:07

you might not be using the right makeup. it's probably either your concealer, foundation, or blush. whatever your skin tone is i recommend nars blush it'll make you look healthy. also, make sure you are putting it on the apples of your cheeks.

mikuxxhatsune | 31

#6437267 - Saturday 17 October 2015 3:46

That is what I thought. Maybe her foundation was too light and made her look pale or the concealor was the wrong shade? Because I have done both and looked somewhat sick or unwell.

By SiLveRStaRLIGHT | 0

#33496 - Monday 16 March 2009 0:33

That happened to me.
I didn't find it funny so much as kind of self-esteem shattering.
=[

By katie_6098 | 0

#107872 - Monday 13 April 2009 18:03

i know how you feel. i make an extra effort to look nice on days when i see the person i have a crush on, but he usually just messes up my hair or put me in headlocks...

Soloman212 | 28

#6181990 - Saturday 24 January 2015 3:05

How old is he, twelve?

*Childish Gambino voice* This is America

Childish Gambino voice This is America