Today, I got trapped in my building's elevator for over an hour,...

By Crappy - 11/4/2015 12:12 - Canada - Rodney

Today, I got trapped in my building's elevator for over an hour, with my dog who I had been rushing outside with because he had explosive diarrhea. FML

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Animals

The opposite of a good idea

Who's a good boy?

Headache

By bosslady - 30/6/2015 09:57 - Belgium - Brussels

Today, my intern was given his own office. I have been asking to move out of my cubicle for nearly four years. FML

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By Flabbergasted - 6/2/2009 21:32 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of two years has been having an affair with another woman. He works with me and the woman also works in the same company. She is also married and is now 6 months pregnant. They are throwing a baby shower for her on Monday. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2015 19:58 - United States - Macomb

Today, I had to quickly back out of a Skype call between me and three coworkers because my fiancée came home from work in tears. When things had calmed down, I re-entered the call to find them unaware I had returned, saying how glad they were I had left because they all secretly despise me. FML

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By twowords - 8/6/2009 18:44 - United States

Today, I had to find a date for this banquet we did in my town every year. I paid my neighbor 40 bucks an hour to be my date. It was a 4 hour event. Best part: she got drunk and told the whole town I was paying her. FML

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By KobraKommander - 17/3/2010 11:51 - France

Today, I rear-ended a car while I was texting about the accident ahead which was causing all the traffic. FML

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By are you kidding me - 22/7/2017 20:03

Today, I learned the venue owner and producer for the musical I'm in is under criminal investigation. What for? Three separate sexual assault incidents and putting cameras in our dressing rooms. FML

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By Deety - 18/1/2017 08:11

Today, my psychologist broke up with me, professionally. It's alright though, she told me it's her, not me. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2009 12:40 - Australia

Today, I am wearing a panda suit for the promotion of the restaurant I work at. FML

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By sophhiee - 5/11/2011 11:45 - United States

Today, I was over at a friend's house for a party. I was trying to strike up a conversation with one of my cute guy friends, so I showed him this funny picture of me that my friend took. His reply was "Hahahaa those Fatbooth pictures are hilarious!" It wasn't a Fatbooth picture. FML

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By videochat - 14/2/2009 23:05 - United States

Today, I cancelled out of a video chat with my boyfriend to go take a dump. I took my computer with me to look at Facebook. It took three minutes for me to realize I was still on video chat. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2012 03:59 - United States

Today, feeling out of shape, I went for a jog. I got mugged. FML

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By oww - 15/11/2009 19:38 - United States

Today, I woke up with a bloody nose and my lamp next to me in bed. Apparently I grabbed the cord of the lamp and yanked while I was sleeping, and it fell on my face. The worst part? My boyfriend saw it was going to happen, but didn't stop me because he thought it would be funny to "see my reaction." FML

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By Angel - 22/6/2015 02:16 - United States - Utica

Today, while swimming under water, my 80-pound lab thought I was drowning and tried to "rescue" me by jumping in after me, wrapping his front legs around my neck, and standing on my chest. FML

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By Hm - 20/3/2015 00:54 - United States - Rio Rancho

Today, I was sitting in the airport, watching the baggage handlers load the plane I was about to get on. They were being really rough with it, one bag came open and all the clothes spilled out onto the tarmac. The clothes looked familiar. They were mine. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2019 02:30

Today, after 2 years of paying off the insurance fees after an accident, I got rear-ended. It was the same driver who crashed into me the first time. FML

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By Crispy - 21/6/2009 05:05 - United States

Today, my girlfriend talked me into tanning in a tanning bed for the first time ever. I have never tanned before and didn't know you are supposed to ease into it. I tanned for 15 minutes in the "super bed" and have lobstered. My ass and nuts got the worst of it. FML

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By scratchpost - 28/10/2010 12:07 - United States

Today, my cat woke me up by sharpening his claws on my breast. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2016 02:08 - United States - Spanaway

Today, an elderly patient complained because I used the words "vaginal" and "breast". I work at an OBGYN's office. FML

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By merp. - 2/2/2013 06:57 - United States - Wausau

Today, I spun off the road and into a ditch. The insurance company told me I'd have to wait an hour, as they had other cars to tow first. I had to pee so badly that I resorted to using the only thing I had in my car: a plastic bag. That's when I got a knock on my window from the tow truck driver. FML

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By jakethed0g - 10/8/2011 21:37 - United Kingdom

Today, I was camping with my family, and had to share a tent with my 13 year old brother. During the night he had to pee, but instead of going outside to use the bathroom, he zipped open a section of the tent, stuck his knob through it, and peed all over my shoes that were drying outside. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2011 08:34 - Lebanon

Today, I found out that it's extremely difficult to take a dump while holding a cup under your ass for a lab specimen. I also found out that you get so nervous that you can actually forget to lock the door. FML

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By buttfingers - 26/12/2015 17:37 - United States - Houston

Today, I accidentally edged over the speed limit and got pulled over. The officer asked me if I knew why he'd pulled me over. Before I could say something diplomatic, my dad said from the passenger seat: "Because you're a prick in fancy dress?" I got ticketed. FML

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By JP - 18/6/2009 16:11 - Italy

Today, I went to the bank to make a withdrawal in order to celebrate my last day here in Italy with my friends. Apparently I'm overdrawn by 187 dollars so I'm eating nothing but leftover stale crackers to survive until I get free plane food on my way back home. FML

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By shewhopoopsinlitterboxes - 25/7/2014 15:54 - United States - Downingtown

Today, there are people working in my bathroom. I have the shits. The only place I could think to go was in my cats litter box. I've used it twice and am now contemplating using it a third time. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2010 08:01 - Mexico

Today, I was walking with and hugging my girlfriend at the same time. I tried to be funny and touched her breast, saying "Boob" in a silly voice. In reply, she slapped me in the crotch, saying "Dick" in the same voice. FML

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By fartmaster - 22/4/2009 19:10 - United States

Today, I was in a tour group going through a cave and our guide stopped, turned off the lights, and told us to be quiet so we could feel absolute silence. I farted. FML

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By me - 21/3/2013 10:25 - United Kingdom - Chichester

Today, I finally got to meet my boyfriend's parents; it turns out that his mum is my therapist. I've just spent an entire morning telling her how confused I am about my sexuality. FML

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By bluedevil26 - 3/3/2009 16:51 - United States

Today, I got my eyebrows waxed for the first time in a few months. Once she finished, she handed me the mirror and asked, "How does it feel to look human again?" FML

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By caligirl4ever - 19/7/2019 12:00

Today, my boyfriend and I got robbed. He was so depressed about all the stuff we lost, I decided to cheer him up with a lap dance. I told him to sit on a chair. We have no furniture left. He started crying. FML

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By notcool - 15/9/2009 19:45 - United States

Today, I learned that my anxious and obsessive mother is going to drive three hours every weekend to attend a Johns Hopkins medical course on stress reduction. Why is this bad? I just left home for college and have enjoyed my last two weeks of freedom without her around. I attend Johns Hopkins. FML

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By Rizzle - 4/10/2009 07:50 - New Zealand

Today, I made a tuna sandwich. It was really nice , so I looked at the label to see what brand it was. Turns out it wasn't tuna. It was fancy cat food. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/2/2012 21:07 - Belgium

Today, my mother used global warming as an excuse for not remembering my birthday. FML

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By Ava - 27/4/2019 12:00

Today, a jobless person felt sympathy for me because I work retail. FML

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By whoanoa - 10/3/2010 03:12 - United States

Today, I discovered that my mother uses my eyebrow tweezers to pull ticks off the dog. She also hasn't figured out that just dipping the tweezers in alcohol doesn't automatically sterilize them. Especially if there is icky dog hair still stuck on. FML

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By capcha - 3/7/2009 18:30 - United States

Today, I was holding a yard sale. A man came up to me and asked if he could buy a pair of red and white sneakers that I'd found in my attic and had never worn. Five bucks later, he was walking away with what I now realize was the pair of shoes signed by Michael Jordan given to me by my uncle. FML

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By kbartlett86 - 24/6/2010 20:02 - Canada

Today, after sitting for hours at my desk, my legs fell asleep. When I got up to go to the bathroom on my break, I couldn't walk properly and leaned against things so I wouldn't fall over. My supervisor then came over and started lecturing me about being drunk at work. FML

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By Sneezy123 - 6/10/2009 02:21 - United States

Today, I retook my ACT. I have been fighting a cold all week and have been very sneezy lately. Midway through the test, I got the urge to sneeze. Since it was very quiet and I didn't want to disturb the peace, I tried to hold my sneeze in. I ended up letting out a huge fart instead. FML

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By ScaryOldMan - 7/10/2009 07:57 - United States

Today, while trying to sleep, I kept hearing this groan/scream for help for about an hour. I decided to call 911 to send someone to investigate. Police came, I received a $100 parking fine and another citation for improper use of 911. The noise? Just a dog howling. FML

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By Andy - 16/12/2009 20:43 - United States

Today, a mother and son were in my office. The kid wasn't feeling well and threw up. Mom covered his mouth with her hand, creating a vomit nozzle and covering me in puke. She yelled that I deserved to be sprayed on because I was not quick enough in getting a bucket for her son. FML

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By junior07 - 31/5/2017 22:00

Today, I gave my niece a $100 bill instead of a $10 so she could buy ice cream. When I realized my mistake, she never returned it but thanked me and gave me a big hug. Now I don't have money for gas or food all week. FML

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Top comments

By c_wyld | 21

#6259534 - Saturday 11 April 2015 22:40

"What a shitty situation" is going to be at least half of the comments on here...

By drunk_crow | 12

#6259549 - Saturday 11 April 2015 22:45

I hope you were the only one in there...

Comments

By c_wyld | 21

#6259534 - Saturday 11 April 2015 22:40

"What a shitty situation" is going to be at least half of the comments on here...

kayj905 | 15

#6259537 - Saturday 11 April 2015 22:41

I was just about to say that xD

KingZach | 10

#6259550 - Saturday 11 April 2015 22:45

I don't give a shit ;)

Catdragon | 40

#6259557 - Saturday 11 April 2015 22:50

you're shitting on my parade.

apitrix | 24

#6259558 - Saturday 11 April 2015 22:52

This is one bomb that can not be diffused too easily. Hope you were able to get out in time!

BeastyMcbeast | 19

#6259597 - Saturday 11 April 2015 23:33

Nah I'd say "what a crappy situation" not cause of the fml but because of ops name.

Googolman | 29

#6259643 - Saturday 11 April 2015 23:57

The water tank scene in Divergent comes to mind.

TrippingOnAcid | 29

#6259670 - Sunday 12 April 2015 0:31

I thought FML had pretty much gotten over the "shitty situation" puns until you brought it up again.

Killswitchknot | 20

#6259967 - Sunday 12 April 2015 6:29

Most of these comments belong in the toilet. Sadly, it appears they have been left in the elevator

By jasonswife423 | 18

#6259535 - Saturday 11 April 2015 22:41

sounds like a shitty situation

tranced_ | 43

#6259610 - Saturday 11 April 2015 23:37

Try something new next time!

gc327072 | 29

#6259627 - Saturday 11 April 2015 23:47

I thought saying any 'shitty situation' pun was a ban-able offense? What happened?

By venomousflower | 24

#6259538 - Saturday 11 April 2015 22:41

FYL and Poor dog :(

By AdamPractical | 18

#6259539 - Saturday 11 April 2015 22:41

I guess that is a shitty situation! No? Ok, I'll just leave now...

drunk_crow | 12

#6259561 - Saturday 11 April 2015 22:54

That's a shitty pun :/

malachite1357 | 11

#6259647 - Saturday 11 April 2015 23:59

And please take your shit with you when you leave

rockwrench | 18

#6259707 - Sunday 12 April 2015 1:11

Quit shitting on his parade.

By Steffi3 | 40

#6259546 - Saturday 11 April 2015 22:43

Oh man, I hope for you you didn't have to clean that all up as well. Then again, you're probably used to the smell by now.. =p

gobiteme2 | 34

#6259573 - Saturday 11 April 2015 23:01

And you expect someone else to do it for you. Please do not ever own a animal with that mind set

photographer49 | 22

#6259583 - Saturday 11 April 2015 23:18

#20 I know it's not right, but I think I'd try and leave before someone saw so I wouldn't have to clean it

clemsi | 20

#6259659 - Sunday 12 April 2015 0:20

A round of applause for 21. I know very few people who just come out and say "Hi, I'm a massive douche bag. Please feel free to hate me."

photographer49 | 22

#6259759 - Sunday 12 April 2015 2:22

#32 If anyone joined this site to be liked then no one would comment. Hate me all you want, I really don't care.

By jentrynicole | 20

#6259548 - Saturday 11 April 2015 22:44

I guess next time you'll be taking the stairs...

By drunk_crow | 12

#6259549 - Saturday 11 April 2015 22:45

I hope you were the only one in there...

buttcramp | 21

#6259563 - Saturday 11 April 2015 22:54

imagine being that bystander, it would be so awkward lol

By lazyslumber | 18

#6259551 - Saturday 11 April 2015 22:46

On the other side, you would have to clean a small area!!

By gobiteme2 | 34

#6259553 - Saturday 11 April 2015 22:47

I was going to say I hope everything works out but it already seems like it did.

By Wizardo | 33

#6259554 - Saturday 11 April 2015 22:47

Talk about shooting fish in a barrel... The gun being a dogs shotgun asshole and the fish being OP in a metal box. Good times.

RockyRacoon | 16

#6260444 - Sunday 12 April 2015 19:19

Wtf ?!