Animals: Today, I got trapped in my building's elevator for over an hour,...

By Crappy - Canada - Rodney

Today, I got trapped in my building's elevator for over an hour, with my dog who I had been rushing outside with because he had explosive diarrhea. FML

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Animals

Proactive

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

The sweet smell of unsuccess

By unlucky neighbors - China - Shanghai

Today, I was staying at a seedy apartment. A group of drunken idiots next door decided it would be fun to run into the wall simultaneously. They broke through the rotted wall and ran me over. FML

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By Christoams - France

Today, I was putting a new lightbulb in when my wife walks into the room and says "you can't see a thing, i'll turn the light on for you". And she did. FML

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30372

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By Tygastyle - United States

Today, at the bank, I went to get some coffee from their machine. I gave it my money and pressed the buttons but nothing was happening. After banging on the machine for ten minutes and calling a teller over, a little boy reached up on his tippy toes to press the giant green START button for me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had this amazing dream that a beautiful girl was giving me head. It was getting really hot, so in my dream, I reached down to push on her head, but in real life I actually swung my arm down and punched myself in the balls. FML

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By Ahh - 14/8/2020 23:02

The curse

Today, as usual, my period cramps got go bad that I can't eat or drink without taking a pain killer, and end up puking and passing out if I take a pain killer before I eat. Here's to 30 smooth years yet to come. FML

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By anon - Australia - Glenfield

Today, my boyfriend was so drunk at a New Years party that he approached me and asked me who I was. FML

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21711

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my father had a dream that he'd lost me forever, and the pain was so unbearable, it woke him up. Turns out, the pain he was experiencing was just his bowels and he really needed to take a shit. This is the most affection I've ever received from my father. FML

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By PghSportsNation - United States

Today, I awoke to my cat with micro pellets all over him. He'd destroyed a pillow containing them, and now there are thousands of these pellets throughout the entire house. My vacuum is broken. FML

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27442

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By Prometheus - United States

Today, a co-worker and I walked out of our office at the same time. He got in his car, which was parked right out front. I asked him what I had to do to get a sweet parking spot like that. He rolled up his pant leg and show me his prosthesis. He was in the handicapped spot. FML

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By DietWater - United States - Beaumont

Today, I went to the park and people were crowded around some dancers. One of the dancers danced up to me, gave me a flower, and winked at me. I was very flattered, until the same dancer asked me to give the flower back after the dance so he could use it on the next show. FML

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25371

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By Anon.

Today, my dog died. We planned to get her cremated and keep the ashes. My sister put forward the idea of putting the ashes in our food so our dog can be "inside of us, always." She's completely serious. I'm scared to eat food from her now. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I won the lottery. My ex-girlfriend has the ticket. I just broke up with her. FML

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54711

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By choker - United States

Today, I went to Walmart with my mom. At the check out line I was eating a bag of chips as my mom bought her stuff. I inhaled while eating and I started to choke. The cashier asked me if I was okay. My mom just waved her hand, and said, "Sometimes she does that for attention, ignore her." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was having an after work-out dinner with my ex-girlfriend and we were having a great time, catching up, eating good food, all the good things. Then when I got home, I realized I just talked to my ex-girlfriend for an hour and a half about how much better her new boyfriend is than me. FML

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12847

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By Anonymous - Reserved

Today, I was in an elevator with my girlfriend when it suddenly stopped. Thinking of being spontaneous like in all the movies, I propped her up on the railings and started getting passionate. That's when the emergency phone rang. And I discovered there was a security camera. FML

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By lonely - United States

Today, I posted on my Facebook wall that I'd gotten into a huge bar fight and had the shit kicked out of me, all to avoid having to tell the truth, namely that I'd stayed home all night because nobody invited me out to party. FML

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10023

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, over the course of three hours, I was burned by our toaster oven, hit in the head by a fridge door, hit my toes on a chair, clipped my hip on a table edge, and had both the washer and dryer lids slam on the same hand. I'm not sure what hurts more, my body or the shame. FML

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27182

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By Anonymous - United States - Peru

Classic Jeff

Today, it was my wedding day. My new husband decided it would be a good idea, when he was supposed to do his speech, to stand up and say, "Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please. Genitals. That is all." FML

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By vanorav - United States - Santa Clarita

Today, I walked into the kitchen to eat some breakfast. I got a full visual of my drunk neighbor dancing naked in my backyard. FML

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26481

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By Zitty - United States

Today, I went on a movie date. During the movie, I picked a small zit on my forehead. Afterwards, at dinner, he couldn't seem to keep his eyes off of my face. I thought he was staring lovingly at me. He was actually staring at a large throbbing zit with a trail of blood coming from it. FML

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18538

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By thisblows - United States

Today, I was at a professional hockey game. I wasn't paying attention and a puck was shot into the stands and hit me in the face. My mouth was bleeding and I lost two teeth. As I was trying to cough up my teeth the old man next to me shoved me over and stole the puck. Everyone cheered. FML

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72986

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By natashamilan - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, I was at a friend's birthday party when I got a call from my mom telling me to come home because my dog died. When I told my friend that I had to leave because of the loss, she replied with, "Okay, but you brought my gift inside, right?" FML

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By LonelyBoy - United States

Today, I realized my girlfriend has way more friends than I do. How did I realize this? She called me to tell me she was at the beach with her friends and how much fun she was having. I was playing WoW in my room, and my friends don't answer my texts. FML

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15633

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By tireedddddd - United States

Today, I was woken up at 6am to the sound of my mother on the back deck of the house hooting like an owl. FML

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27032

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had to stand in line for twenty minutes at the bank, in between two of my ex-boyfriends. FML

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52395

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By ohmygod - United States

Today, I was eating lunch when my grandmother came over and started watching me. Suddenly she said, "I see you're getting breasts". I'm a guy. FML

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43315

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By Anonymous

Today, my brother has two broken arms and needs help wiping his own ass. Bonus, he has bad diarrhoea from the food poisoning he got from the shrimp he made me hand-feed him yesterday. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/1/2021 14:01 - Germany

The smell detective is on the case

Today, something smelled absolutely disgusting in the bathroom. Like cow shit and stinky beetles. I started sniffing around, because whatever it was, I had to find it and clean it up. That, however, proved difficult, because it turned out that smell was coming from the new soap my mom had bought. FML

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By Stupid Drunk - United States

Today, I was drunk at a party and confessed my love for my crush and told her how I felt. According to my friends, I made out with another girl not long after my confession. FML

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13030

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By too dumb for sex

Today we tried to have sex for the first time but I got so excited my blood pressure shot up and I got a nosebleed that didn't fully stop for nearly 30 minutes. Then when we tried again she accidentally headbutted me. The new bleeding still hasn't stopped and I'm feeling very lightheaded. FML

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By ali927truthh

Wrong size

Today, when I finally got delivered the new kitchen table that I ordered online a week ago, I found out that it was actually a kitchen table for a dollhouse, as I forgot to check the size. FML

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By awkward wedding

Today, a girl confessed that she's loved me for years and wants to marry me and have my children. It was my half-sister and she said it in front of everyone at a family wedding. I don't know who to be most afraid of at this point: her fiancé or my stepdad. FML

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3891

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband laughed at me for farting in the bathtub; I lied by admitting to it. The fact is that I have enough back-fat to create suction against the bathtub. FML

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By spiderfail - United States - Erie

Today, as I was getting ready to go to the midnight premiere of the new Spiderman movie, I was actually bitten by a spider. He gets super powers and a hot girl, I swell up like a balloon and get to spend the night in the hospital. FML

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31429

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By genderless - South Africa - Pretoria

Today, the person I was seeing asked to be just friends. A few hours later, they tried to talk me into having sex. FML

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12130

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By VroomVroom - United States

Today, at a red light, an old lady crossing the street fell right infront of my car. I got out of my car to help her. The light turned green and I was still helping the woman to her feet. An officer came by and ticketed me for "impeding the flow of traffic." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fayette

Today, I had to have major oral surgery. Needless to say I am in need of some heavy pain medication. My pharmacist insists that my surgeon never called in my medicine, and my surgeon insists otherwise. This has been going back and forth for hours. FML

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32167

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By YouAREthefather - United States

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend at the store, holding hands with his very pregnant girlfriend. They were buying baby supplies. We had a very nasty and painful breakup not even three months ago. FML

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45264

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By tommy3824 - United States

Today, was the first day all week I got to sleep in. I woke up this beautiful morning to the sun shining in my window and hundreds of carpenter ants crawling over my sheets and me. FML

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By is there a environmental scientist in the house? - United States - Walnut Creek

Today, wanting to impress my date, I bullshitted her about how I was an environmental scientist. She got so impressed that she invited me over to her place. Not her home, her office. So that I could give her pointers on her current project. She's a real environmental scientist. FML

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Top comments

By c_wyld | 21

#6259534 - Saturday 11 April 2015 22:40

"What a shitty situation" is going to be at least half of the comments on here...

By drunk_crow | 12

#6259549 - Saturday 11 April 2015 22:45

I hope you were the only one in there...

COMMENTS

By c_wyld | 21

#6259534 - Saturday 11 April 2015 22:40

"What a shitty situation" is going to be at least half of the comments on here...

kayj905 | 15

#6259537 - Saturday 11 April 2015 22:41

I was just about to say that xD

KingZach | 10

#6259550 - Saturday 11 April 2015 22:45

I don't give a shit ;)

Catdragon | 40

#6259557 - Saturday 11 April 2015 22:50

you're shitting on my parade.

apitrix | 24

#6259558 - Saturday 11 April 2015 22:52

This is one bomb that can not be diffused too easily. Hope you were able to get out in time!

BeastyMcbeast | 19

#6259597 - Saturday 11 April 2015 23:33

Nah I'd say "what a crappy situation" not cause of the fml but because of ops name.

Googolman | 29

#6259643 - Saturday 11 April 2015 23:57

The water tank scene in Divergent comes to mind.

TrippingOnAcid | 29

#6259670 - Sunday 12 April 2015 0:31

I thought FML had pretty much gotten over the "shitty situation" puns until you brought it up again.

Killswitchknot | 20

#6259967 - Sunday 12 April 2015 6:29

Most of these comments belong in the toilet. Sadly, it appears they have been left in the elevator

By jasonswife423 | 18

#6259535 - Saturday 11 April 2015 22:41

sounds like a shitty situation

tranced_ | 44

#6259610 - Saturday 11 April 2015 23:37

Try something new next time!

gc327072 | 29

#6259627 - Saturday 11 April 2015 23:47

I thought saying any 'shitty situation' pun was a ban-able offense? What happened?

By venomousflower | 24

#6259538 - Saturday 11 April 2015 22:41

FYL and Poor dog :(

By AdamPractical | 18

#6259539 - Saturday 11 April 2015 22:41

I guess that is a shitty situation! No? Ok, I'll just leave now...

drunk_crow | 12

#6259561 - Saturday 11 April 2015 22:54

That's a shitty pun :/

malachite1357 | 11

#6259647 - Saturday 11 April 2015 23:59

And please take your shit with you when you leave

rockwrench | 18

#6259707 - Sunday 12 April 2015 1:11

Quit shitting on his parade.

By Steffi3 | 40

#6259546 - Saturday 11 April 2015 22:43

Oh man, I hope for you you didn't have to clean that all up as well. Then again, you're probably used to the smell by now.. =p

gobiteme2 | 34

#6259573 - Saturday 11 April 2015 23:01

And you expect someone else to do it for you. Please do not ever own a animal with that mind set

photographer49 | 22

#6259583 - Saturday 11 April 2015 23:18

#20 I know it's not right, but I think I'd try and leave before someone saw so I wouldn't have to clean it

clemsi | 20

#6259659 - Sunday 12 April 2015 0:20

A round of applause for 21. I know very few people who just come out and say "Hi, I'm a massive douche bag. Please feel free to hate me."

photographer49 | 22

#6259759 - Sunday 12 April 2015 2:22

#32 If anyone joined this site to be liked then no one would comment. Hate me all you want, I really don't care.

By jentrynicole | 20

#6259548 - Saturday 11 April 2015 22:44

I guess next time you'll be taking the stairs...

By drunk_crow | 12

#6259549 - Saturday 11 April 2015 22:45

I hope you were the only one in there...

buttcramp | 21

#6259563 - Saturday 11 April 2015 22:54

imagine being that bystander, it would be so awkward lol

By lazyslumber | 18

#6259551 - Saturday 11 April 2015 22:46

On the other side, you would have to clean a small area!!

By gobiteme2 | 34

#6259553 - Saturday 11 April 2015 22:47

I was going to say I hope everything works out but it already seems like it did.

By Wizardo | 33

#6259554 - Saturday 11 April 2015 22:47

Talk about shooting fish in a barrel... The gun being a dogs shotgun asshole and the fish being OP in a metal box. Good times.

RockyRacoon | 16

#6260444 - Sunday 12 April 2015 19:19

Wtf ?!