Animals: Today, I got trapped in my building's elevator for over an hour,...

By Crappy - Canada - Rodney

Today, I got trapped in my building's elevator for over an hour, with my dog who I had been rushing outside with because he had explosive diarrhea. FML

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Animals

Proactive

Coherence dude, do you have it?

It is what it is

By Anonymous - United States - Somerset

Today, while I was fooling around with my girlfriend, she hurt her hand. It obviously wasn't very serious, so I told her to stop faking it. She responded, "Wanna know what I actually fake? My orgasms." FML

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By wastedbaby - United States

Today, I was watching a home video of when my mom was pregnant with me. She had a beer in her hand. FML

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By never thought I'd say that - Norway - Stavanger

Today, I was the victim of a drive-by pissing by some drunken loon on a segway. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2020 23:03 - Canada

Fucking Facebook memories

Today, Facebook showed me pictures from five years of a happy time I had traveling with a boyfriend, who later ended our 8-year relationship by telling me he had gotten an apartment and furniture in secret, and was moving out. No warning, no reason, no explanation. He never spoke to me again. I loved him. FML

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1642

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By picaru - United States

Today, is the first day of my honeymoon. It has been 6 years since I took a "real" vacation. We have 3 kids and a small house, and now we have 9 days alone in random hotels to do what couples do on their honeymoon without kids... Day one, I got my period 7 days early. FML

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By drycleanplz - Reserved

Today, I wore my expensive new white jacket to work, thinking it would be a nice change from my usual black. I managed to lean in printer ink. FML

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By KoNi - France

Today, my 14-year-old little sister asked me how I felt when I had my first sexual intercourse. I told her it was personal and was none of her business. She then looked at me and said "I thought it was nice". I'm 19 and I'm still a virgin. FML

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By Annonymous - United States - Fallbrook

Today, my water got cut off. The previous homeowners owed the water company over $300, and the company doesn't believe that I'm not them. The supervisor told me this will keep happening until I pay up. I need a shower. FML

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By poopooppachuu - United States

Today, in the middle of explaining over the phone to my crush how I felt about him, I got a text from his best friend, who was apparently with him at the time. It said, "He doesn't like you, get over it. Stop rambling." FML

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By :| - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I was assigned to fill in for a French teacher who was out sick. I had asked the class to name some French-speaking countries. I called on one girl and she replied, "Uh, Europe. That's, like, the only other one, right?" Nobody disagreed. I'm filling in for the rest of the month. FML

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By kelster

Good job

Today, my roommate has a job interview. He only applied to the job yesterday. Meanwhile, I've been out of work for three weeks. I've applied to at least ten jobs. I have yet to get a call-back from any of them. FML

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By brokeandhungry - United States

Today, I saw a little girl digging in the gravel inside the fireworks tent I work in. After she and her family left, I went and used my foot to smooth out the mound she'd made. In doing so, I discovered that she wasn't digging, she was burying. She'd pooped. FML

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By Unknown - United States

Today, I found out that the lump under my carpet that I stomped on to flatten was actually a dead frog that had gotten caught in the wrong place at the wrong time. FML

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By ADT - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. Mid-thrust she says "I love you, Jeremy." Then in rapid succession, she fires off 2 other names. None of the names were mine. FML

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56369

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By allalone - United States

Today, I put the vacuum cleaner hose against my neck to give me a hickey, so that it would look like I got some action. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was at a party with my boyfriend meeting all of his friends for the first time. My boyfriend went into the kitchen to get me a drink, and after ten minutes I went looking for him. I discovered his friend holding two melons to his chest, mid explanation on how they look exactly like mine. FML

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By Drew

Today, I was sitting at home when the police knocked on my door. They came inside, sat me down and told me that both my parents died in a car crash tonight. I started to cry, but about 10 minutes later, I find out they had the wrong person. I feel bad for the other guy. FML

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2640

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By FennFoxx - United States - Cheraw

Today, I decided to take a relaxing bubble bath in my jacuzzi. I poured in the bubbles, turned on the jets, and got in. I realized too late that the jets had caused the bubbles to overflow and had made a huge mess in my bathroom. Relaxing, indeed. FML

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3004

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By Itstinksinhere

Today, my husband thought it was the best idea ever to clean the cat's litter box with the brand new vacuum cleaner instead of tipping it into a bin bag. My house now fills with the smell of warm cat piss every time I hoover. FML

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3523

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By Mintspice - United States

Today, my friends decided to pull a prank. They told my girlfriend I had cheated on her, which I hadn't. Her revenge? Inviting me over to have me walk in on her with my brother. Our 6 month anniversary was two days away and I got her a trip to Spain, which cost me almost three pay-checks. FML

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3914

Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By babasheep - Canada

Today, after dieting and working out for almost 3 months, I sit down on my chair to finish off some work. It broke. FML

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By justfired - Canada

Today, I got fired from my job for not "interacting with customers." That's understandable. The thing is, my job didn't actually include any customer interaction. FML

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By thedancer5 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend dumped me by writing a breakup note with permanent marker on my newly painted bedroom wall. FML

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41740

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By blow away - United States - Middletown

Today, my husband decided to play a recording of me breaking wind in my sleep to my whole family at the dinner table. To make matters worse, it was a compilation of different noises from over a long period of time. My family was horrified and my husband seemed proud of himself. FML

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By unknown

Today, I woke up and stepped out of bed right into a pile of dog crap. Acting quickly, I jumped on to my other foot, which would have been a great idea, except for this morning there were two piles. FML

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33511

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By loserman67

Today, I was told that the $8,500 bill for my new water well grew to $11,000 because of a fair amount of overtime. I learned that the men I hired to drill the new well at our home were spending the overtime drilling my daughter as well. FML

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20648

Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By urrrppp - Netherlands

Today, I got through to the phone interview stage for a great job. When the phone rang, I answered and suddenly, spontaneously, burped really loudly. The interviewer hung up. FML

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28710

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By NoThanks

How kind...

Today, despite my objections, a 50-year-old guy at a bar tried to convince me that my "biological clock is ticking" and that it was time to have kids, "before it's too late". He then offered his help in this noble endeavor. FML

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By Herman - France

Today, a guy at work told me to, "Relax, dude", All. Day. Long. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, at my retail job, I tried on one of our hats. My co-worker told me I shouldn't because I could get lice. I laughed it off and told her I didn't believe her. Man, do I believe her now. FML

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By throwinguptears - United States - Marlborough

Today, after $87, waiting five months and making sure everything was perfect, I was ready to go see my favorite comedian live. I got the flu. FML

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By spider-sarah - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I found out the hard way that if you leave your sheets on the washing line too long, spiders will go and make their new home in them. FML

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8791

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By took it - United States - Syracuse

Today, while playing a big basketball game, I had to run urgently to the bathroom because of a really hard diarrhea. I took the ball. FML

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By Shelling Ford - Germany - Munich

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I said I wouldn't find her attractive in 20 years. What I actually said was that I wouldn't sleep with her mother now, who happens to be 20 years older than her. FML

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By Rumpkis - United States

Today, I almost got a blowjob for the first time. Except I came before I even got in her mouth. FML

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46760

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I gave my sister some Lubriderm for a skin condition we share. While she was applying the lotion I joking said "Wouldn't it be funny if it made it worse?" Guess who got punched in the face, twice, because it did. FML

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By Marc - United States

Today, while I was standing in line at the store, some guy insulted the girl in front of me as he walked past. She turned around and socked me in the face. FML

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30828

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By Laughluv - United States

Today, I realized that I have been playing a little too much Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. I realized this when I was watching a youtube video and there was someone walking in the background who I impulsively tried to gun down and kill by moving my mouse over him and clicking repeatedly. FML

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7779

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By Anonymous - United States - Lewisville

Today, while working at my new job at a surgery center, I noticed how odd it was that the room began to smell like fried chicken. I thought it smelt pretty good, until I learned it was actually the smell of someone getting their ear cauterized. I enjoyed the smell of someone's burning ear flesh. FML

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By Fefe - United States

Today, tired of my social anxiety making me look uncool, I told everyone I was going out partying tonight. I'm actually just going to watch 'Jersey Shore' and pretend I'm with the cast. Something even more sad? I'm really excited. FML

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Top comments

By c_wyld | 21

#6259534 - Saturday 11 April 2015 22:40

"What a shitty situation" is going to be at least half of the comments on here...

By drunk_crow | 12

#6259549 - Saturday 11 April 2015 22:45

I hope you were the only one in there...

COMMENTS

By c_wyld | 21

#6259534 - Saturday 11 April 2015 22:40

"What a shitty situation" is going to be at least half of the comments on here...

kayj905 | 15

#6259537 - Saturday 11 April 2015 22:41

I was just about to say that xD

KingZach | 10

#6259550 - Saturday 11 April 2015 22:45

I don't give a shit ;)

Catdragon | 40

#6259557 - Saturday 11 April 2015 22:50

you're shitting on my parade.

apitrix | 24

#6259558 - Saturday 11 April 2015 22:52

This is one bomb that can not be diffused too easily. Hope you were able to get out in time!

BeastyMcbeast | 19

#6259597 - Saturday 11 April 2015 23:33

Nah I'd say "what a crappy situation" not cause of the fml but because of ops name.

Googolman | 29

#6259643 - Saturday 11 April 2015 23:57

The water tank scene in Divergent comes to mind.

TrippingOnAcid | 29

#6259670 - Sunday 12 April 2015 0:31

I thought FML had pretty much gotten over the "shitty situation" puns until you brought it up again.

Killswitchknot | 20

#6259967 - Sunday 12 April 2015 6:29

Most of these comments belong in the toilet. Sadly, it appears they have been left in the elevator

By jasonswife423 | 18

#6259535 - Saturday 11 April 2015 22:41

sounds like a shitty situation

tranced_ | 44

#6259610 - Saturday 11 April 2015 23:37

Try something new next time!

gc327072 | 29

#6259627 - Saturday 11 April 2015 23:47

I thought saying any 'shitty situation' pun was a ban-able offense? What happened?

By venomousflower | 24

#6259538 - Saturday 11 April 2015 22:41

FYL and Poor dog :(

By AdamPractical | 18

#6259539 - Saturday 11 April 2015 22:41

I guess that is a shitty situation! No? Ok, I'll just leave now...

drunk_crow | 12

#6259561 - Saturday 11 April 2015 22:54

That's a shitty pun :/

malachite1357 | 11

#6259647 - Saturday 11 April 2015 23:59

And please take your shit with you when you leave

rockwrench | 18

#6259707 - Sunday 12 April 2015 1:11

Quit shitting on his parade.

By Steffi3 | 40

#6259546 - Saturday 11 April 2015 22:43

Oh man, I hope for you you didn't have to clean that all up as well. Then again, you're probably used to the smell by now.. =p

gobiteme2 | 34

#6259573 - Saturday 11 April 2015 23:01

And you expect someone else to do it for you. Please do not ever own a animal with that mind set

photographer49 | 22

#6259583 - Saturday 11 April 2015 23:18

#20 I know it's not right, but I think I'd try and leave before someone saw so I wouldn't have to clean it

clemsi | 20

#6259659 - Sunday 12 April 2015 0:20

A round of applause for 21. I know very few people who just come out and say "Hi, I'm a massive douche bag. Please feel free to hate me."

photographer49 | 22

#6259759 - Sunday 12 April 2015 2:22

#32 If anyone joined this site to be liked then no one would comment. Hate me all you want, I really don't care.

By jentrynicole | 20

#6259548 - Saturday 11 April 2015 22:44

I guess next time you'll be taking the stairs...

By drunk_crow | 12

#6259549 - Saturday 11 April 2015 22:45

I hope you were the only one in there...

buttcramp | 21

#6259563 - Saturday 11 April 2015 22:54

imagine being that bystander, it would be so awkward lol

By lazyslumber | 18

#6259551 - Saturday 11 April 2015 22:46

On the other side, you would have to clean a small area!!

By gobiteme2 | 34

#6259553 - Saturday 11 April 2015 22:47

I was going to say I hope everything works out but it already seems like it did.

By Wizardo | 33

#6259554 - Saturday 11 April 2015 22:47

Talk about shooting fish in a barrel... The gun being a dogs shotgun asshole and the fish being OP in a metal box. Good times.

RockyRacoon | 16

#6260444 - Sunday 12 April 2015 19:19

Wtf ?!