Health: Today, I got to work in the ER at the local hospital. A lady... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got to work in the ER at the local hospital. A lady came in with high blood sugar. She was concerned because the same thing happened to her husband. I reassured her, telling her she'll be back with her husband in an hour or so. Her husband died four years ago from something similar. FML

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The smell detective is on the case

Trip Advisor says no

Race against the clock

By Bahhumbug - Australia - Perth

Today, I found out I was the top ranking sales person for 2014. What did last year's winner receive? An all-expenses paid weekend holiday. What did I receive? A ham. I'm vegetarian. FML

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By Cantbreath94 - Canada

Today, while at work, I got a call. They left a voicemail. It was a 7 minute voicemail of the mattress squeaking and my mom screaming my dad's name. I am going to their house for supper tonight. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to visit my alcoholic father. He remembered to ask me how my dog Reggie is, but could not remember the name of "my pal." My "pal" is also my wife of four years. FML

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By Uhg

Today, my spouse made it clear that they would rather play videogames than be intimate with me. I've tried everything but get nothing. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - K?ln

Today, my husband showed up late to my mother's funeral. He swaggered in, happily finishing off a half-eaten taco. His excuse for why he was so cheerful: "She was an in-law, honey." Good to know I married a piece of shit in disguise. FML

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By daydreamer - United States - Wilton

Today, I began to daydream about going on a diet and losing some weight. As I did so, I unknowingly reached for a giant bag of chips and ate the whole thing. Now, I have stopped daydreaming and am sitting alone and depressed. And I'm all out of chips. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked into work to see my boss's hot son. I wanted him to notice me, so I did my "sexy walk". I then slipped and fell onto my desk, broke my desk, and sprained my wrist. Oh he noticed me alright. FML

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By sothishappened - United States - Joliet

Today, I baked a strawberry cake and I didn't have any fresh strawberries for garnish, so I used a can of strawberry pie filling. My neighbors said it looked like the cake was taken from the dumpster behind an abortion clinic. FML

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By DOGSNACHER - United States

Today, I woke up to my whole room ruined, it was a mess and everything was torn and chewed up. I suddenly see a dog walk across the hall. I don't have a dog. FML

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By lovely-sweet - France

Today, during a lunch I said "It must be awful to realize that you've been cheated on!". One of the men present had just found out that he had been. I then try to correct my tactlessness by saying "The worst must be when your wife leaves you for another woman". Which was also the case. FML

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By randomdude3890 - United States - Bellevue

Today, my caring way too much about proper grammar got out of hand when I corrected my girlfriend during a talk about her dying grandmother. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was looking at the annoucements in the newspaper and find out that my boyfriend of the past 6 years is supposed to be married in 2 days to what I thought was his ex-girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Kensington

Today, my mother decided to inform me that she doesn't believe canned food can have an expiry date and that the food is still okay to eat years after the 'supposed' expiry date. She's probably been cooking my dinner with expired food for over 17 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/4/2020 20:00

Stuck in a rut

Today, I realised my wife has been slowly phasing out most elements of our previously active and inventive sex life. These days, it's missionary once a month or she tells me to whack one off by myself in the bathroom. When did we get so boring? FML

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By eewww - United Kingdom

Today, I took a 40 minute bus ride home from work. The first 20 minutes were spent listening to the drunk man behind me moan uncontrollably and belch. The last 20 minutes were spent trying to ignore the vomit he left on my back as he got up to leave. FML

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By hobo - Canada - Chilliwack

Today, I woke up to "we're leaving". I'm now homeless because my Dad and his girlfriend got into an argument over toilet paper. FML

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By problems - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I have to make a decision. I either drive my dad around during the day so he can drink, or I let him drink and drive so I can focus on studying for my exams. FML

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By Screamingfirecracker - Canada

Today I finally worked up the nerve to quit my job after being tortured by my boss for months. My boss responded by throwing a hard-covered textbook at me and hitting me in the face. FML

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By grossedout - Reserved

Today, at work, I met a new client for the first time. Apparently he thought it would be a good idea to get drunk beforehand and spend the whole appointment telling me about his 9 inch "drill bit." I have to try and find this guy a job. FML

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By beernuts - United States

Today, due to the powerful antibiotic I was taking for a bad infection on my knee, I had no control over my bowels and shat my pants while discussing a plumbing problem in a customers basement. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I agreed to give my husband head while he played Call of Duty. I was happy because he enjoyed it at first, until he started getting his ass kicked in the game. He lost and angrily blamed me for distracting him. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/1/2021 03:30

Melted

Today, I found one of my boyfriend's earbuds in the dryer. He's gonna be pissed. FML

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By failure - Korea, Republic of - Seoul

Today, my boss brought her cat to work. At one point, I looked up and everyone was staring at me staring at the cat's asshole. FML

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By Mommabear

Thief

Today, I caught my husband's crazy aunt attempting to steal from my daughter's piggy bank. When I confronted her, she tried to defend herself by saying, "She's 2 months-old, she doesn't need the money!" FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Parenting fail

Today, I left the living room for 3 minutes to make a coffee. When I went back, my 4-year old had found a permanent marker, God knows where, since I don't own a permanent marker. She'd then drawn on her face, the carpet, wall, sofa, both dogs and as an added bonus the TV screen. FML

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By Best-stuf-on-Earth - United States

Today, I had a check-up with my dermatologist. When I took off my pants, she noticed a small mark on my penis and was concerned. I had to inform her that it was not in fact a mole, but a bruise from getting it stuck in a Snapple bottle two days prior to the check-up. FML

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By Jenbearish

Today, the laziest person in my department came and complained to me, while I was working, that they didn't know why we were so far behind today. Then they went to chat to their friend for 45 minutes. I know why. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2020 02:02

Man child

Today, instead of being an adult, my husband was more hysterical than my daughter during a hissy fit. It makes me want to divorce him. FML

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By Marlon - United States

Today, I got dumped by my girlfriend at her mom's birthday party, in front of her whole family. They even got it on video. FML

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By pissingcontest - United States

Today, I had to take a serious piss. I started urinating and leaned back slightly on my heels. Somehow I lost my balance and fell backward, hitting my head on the wall behind me and spraying myself and my entire bathroom with my own pee. FML

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By GonnaGetFired - United States

Today, I found out that I made inappropriate sexual comments to my boss while I was drunk on Saturday night. She won't tell me what I said. She just laughs when she sees me. FML

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By future burger flipper - United States - Whitewater

Today, my parents blew my entire college fund in their quest to finish building their replica Hobbit house in our back yard. FML

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By iluvjenknee - United States

Today, at work I was ringing up some tampons for a woman, and I try to interact with the shoppers as much as possible. I was trying to think of something witty or funny to say but drew a blank, so I decided just to say "have a nice night." What I actually said was "have a nice flow". FML

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By housedoctor - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, after getting back from my interior design class, I told my husband that I learned the golden rule for home decor: "Have nothing in your houses that you do not know to be useful or believe to be beautiful." He looked at me dead in the eyes, and didn't say a word. FML

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By 99520 - United States

Today, I gave my dad a brochure for anger management. His response? Throwing a chair out the window. FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, I discovered that Paolo has a big penis, that he's good in bed and that the hotel sheets still remember it all. Mum, the walls won't get any thicker just 'cause you're on the telephone. FML

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By AfraidOfToxicity - 21/7/2020 02:02

Hypocrisy

Today, I had a friend quit every friend group we shared, all because I refused to show him favouritism in my D&D campaign, after I changed the rules to reduce favouritism between everyone, because he'd complained. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I got a letter back from the family I will be staying with as a part of an exchange program. Apparently they own a slaughterhouse type farm, and I'm expected to kill one of their animals and eat it as a gift from the family. I'm a vegan. FML

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By gregm97 - 6/6/2020 05:03

Motel 6 to 9

Today, after my family and I returned to our motel after a long day trip, we saw that the room was made. As we were getting ready to sleep, I pulled my sheets back to find a large piece of crap smeared all over the bed. When we told the front desk about this, they told us to "fuck off." FML

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By Davey Crocker - 23/4/2020 08:00

Stay safe, wear a hazmat suit

Today, my coworker volunteered me to drop laptops off at two sites outside our normal areas. I asked if they were safe from COVID-19. "I don't know, but you're young. You'll be okay," responded the man who's been working from home for weeks. FML

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Top comments

By leili | 0

#657346 - Friday 6 November 2009 8:25

OH my gosh!! That's horrible. It's okay, though. This is definitely not your fault. How could you have known?

By perdix | 29

#657345 - Friday 6 November 2009 8:25

Tell her it will be harder for you to send her home than to send her to Jesus.

See what she chooses.

COMMENTS

By R3B3L | 0

#657337 - Friday 6 November 2009 8:21

FIRST

By nzkristy | 0

#657339 - Friday 6 November 2009 8:23

ouch that has got to suck - one of those moments where you dont quite know what to say to make things better again! fyl

By perdix | 29

#657345 - Friday 6 November 2009 8:25

Tell her it will be harder for you to send her home than to send her to Jesus.

See what she chooses.

By leili | 0

#657346 - Friday 6 November 2009 8:25

OH my gosh!! That's horrible. It's okay, though. This is definitely not your fault. How could you have known?

Reply

diet_otaku | 0

#657815 - Friday 6 November 2009 16:58

what's wrong with people? they shouldn't be leaving out important details like "my LATE husband."

Reply

julian1179 | 0

#1030827 - Tuesday 15 June 2010 13:11

I hate it when people think that just because your a doctor, you know about their previous problems, or 'cuz you're a scientist, you know everything, etc

bothers me so much

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#657353 - Friday 6 November 2009 8:28

diabeetus'll do that

By IIRoxieII | 12

#657355 - Friday 6 November 2009 8:30

Uh oh...

By Ospov | 9

#657379 - Friday 6 November 2009 8:51

lol wow...that's awesome!

By _fake_ | 0

#657383 - Friday 6 November 2009 8:55

Wow. FYL. There's no way you could've known that... Hope it turned out ok!

By dudeitsdanny | 9

#657384 - Friday 6 November 2009 8:57

Well, maybe she thought you meant she was gonna die from it also?
=)
FYL

By Luckster | 0

#657385 - Friday 6 November 2009 8:58

Back with husband? You speak good.

Reply

allmidnighteyes | 10

#657395 - Friday 6 November 2009 9:05

Well, OBVIOUSLY.
Haven't you seen that shitty 3OH!3 video? Only cavemen, high school wrestlers, and girls with cameras exist in Colorado. OP is obviously one of the cave-people.

Reply

Luckster | 0

#657405 - Friday 6 November 2009 9:10

Once again, you're awesome. I wanted to make a smartass comeback, but all I can do is giggle. XD

Reply

allmidnighteyes | 10

#657422 - Friday 6 November 2009 9:28

Thank you :]