Today, I got to work in the ER at the local hospital. A lady... - FML

By Anonymous - 6/11/2009 00:40 - United States

Today, I got to work in the ER at the local hospital. A lady came in with high blood sugar. She was concerned because the same thing happened to her husband. I reassured her, telling her she'll be back with her husband in an hour or so. Her husband died four years ago from something similar. FML

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You can't win sometimes

DINOSAURS!!

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

By Anonymous - 4/4/2020 02:00

Is this dude a puma?

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. Why? Because I became a vegetarian. Apparently, he doesn't believe in "not eating meat." FML

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By haileyjunkin - 22/11/2011 17:53

Today, I got hit in the face at a dodge-ball tournament. My entire mouth was bloody. The sad thing is, I wasn't even playing. FML

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By kmtranter - 28/12/2012 11:40 - United Kingdom - Wembley

Today, I woke up to find my boyfriend using my hand to wank. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2010 00:10 - United Kingdom

Today, my mother, my aunt, and my two sisters are all on their periods. I can't even brush my teeth in my own house without being treated like a criminal. FML

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By epicsandwichartist - 5/5/2011 07:13 - United States

Today, while working at a sandwich shop, we had a shortage and could only put so many veggies on one sandwich. I explained this to one man who was grumpy about it, but kept on ordering. I thought everything went well. He thought my face was a good target to launch his completed sandwich at. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2015 12:22 - United Kingdom - Slough

Today, I went to a garden party my friend had invited me to. I soon discovered they had seriously downplayed the formality of the event, as I noticed trays of fancy hors d'oeuvres and glasses of champagne lined up on the table. I showed up with Kool Aid and Ritz crackers. FML

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By lalanon - 3/4/2009 05:16 - Australia

Today, my friends were being rude to me, so I decided to be nice to a boy that didn't have many friends. While I was talking to him he popped a pimple on his face and tasted it. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2013 05:24 - United States - Garden Grove

Today, I tried acid for the first time while camping with my best friend. A drunk driver smashed into my car, leaving it totaled. I had to explain the situation to a cop all while thinking my car was bleeding green ooze. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2012 12:12 - United States - Worcester

Today, my husband had a temper tantrum because I wouldn't get him a chocolate bar at the store register. FML

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By mushroomtop - 23/9/2017 23:15

Today, I woke up extremely hung over on a friend's couch after a night of heavy drinking and partying. To my horror, I discovered that, in my drunken state, I'd allowed said friend's six-year-old daughter to trim my hair. I now have a bowl cut. FML

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By taintedlover - 13/5/2014 21:31 - United States - Seattle

Today, my girlfriend admitted to my best friend that she basically just sees me as a dildo with annoying emotions. FML

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By nearly a crazy lady - 12/8/2013 11:19 - United Kingdom

Today, my OCD manager sprayed my hands with chemicals because I touched the bin while throwing away a piece of paper. My hands are now covered in itchy, unattractive rashes. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/7/2019 08:00 - United States - Gainesville

Today, I'm so sick, I'm even sick in my dreams. Orientation for my new job starts tomorrow. FML

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By TOOshort - 23/4/2019 16:00

Today, several of my apartment complex neighbors walked right by me as I struggled to clean the inches thick, icy snow off of my SUV. I’m 4’11. Not one person offered to assist me, even after I slipped and fell several times. FML

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By groom - 12/12/2008 02:30 - France

Today, I cut my nice and tasty home-made sandwich in half to give to a homeless man. He tasted it, pulled an unimpressed face, and then stuck it in his pocket. FML

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By computergeek - 26/1/2010 21:25 - United States

Today, my parents got me a new computer for my birthday. They also took the liberty of throwing out my old computer, with 8 years of photos, videos, music, documents, emails, and bookmarks on it. But that's okay, I had a backup. They threw that out too. FML

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By I don't condome that, babe - 24/7/2014 20:51 - United States - Lutz

Today, I overheard my boyfriend saying to his friends, "I never knew what real contraception was until I saw Laura's face." I'm Laura. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2018 06:00

Today, my boyfriend and I were finally having some intimate alone time together. When we really started getting into it, he suddenly prematurely jizzed in my eye. I now need surgery and have to explain to my family how I almost lost my eye. FML

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By will3000 - 12/1/2011 13:28

Today, I was on my way to work behind a very slow car. At a red light, the lady came over and punched me in the face for following her too closely. We are coworkers and our desks are next to each other. FML

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By Anonameow - 19/7/2016 13:49

Today, I woke up to an unexpected surprise for my birthday. It wasn't cake, nor ice cream. It was hundreds of baby spiders crawling all over me. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2015 04:09 - United States - Redlands

Today, it was my birthday. It was also the only day my family wanted to hold the graveside funeral for my grandmother who passed last week. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2011 14:00 - Belgium

Today, I was walking home when a stranger came up to me and told me to give him a good reason why he shouldn't punch me in the face. I guess none were good enough. FML

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By lostvideo - 24/8/2010 07:25 - Israel

Today, I realized that I hadn't seen my video camera in a while. After searching for several minutes in my room, I remembered that I had given it to my dad to hide before our month long trip (so even if someone broke into the house the video camera would be safe). He's forgotten where he hid it. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2016 01:57 - United Kingdom - Hull

Today, after trying for months for a baby, I finally got a positive test. For chlamydia. FML

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By habassistant - 2/1/2013 15:49 - United States - North Olmsted

Today, I was cleaning one of my disabled clients because he pooped himself, so I started to undress him for a shower. I took his dirty diaper off and set it on his bed, then I bent over to take off his socks at which point he put the diaper on my head like a hat. FML

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By stupid older sister - 24/7/2014 21:54 - United States - Saint Charles

Today, I woke up from a nap to find my little brother playing some games on my phone. A few hours later I come to find he had deleted all 500 pictures from my trip to Europe last month. He needed more space to download the games. Mom says he's too young to understand what he did wrong. He's 14. FML

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By ripped - 7/9/2016 14:57 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my cat used my head as a springboard and ripped my earring out with her claw. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2014 09:05 - United States - Cape Coral

Today, I got fired from my job. Why? Apparently taking 10 minutes to take a shit is too long for some people. FML

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By boss stabber - 4/1/2015 06:52 - United States - Kings Beach

Today, I got reprimanded by my boss for saying "It's a stab in the dark, though." According to him, it's a euphemism for anal sex and I was being offensive to a gay colleague, the same one who kept insisting it was no problem. I got written up anyway. FML

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By me - 15/7/2009 08:02 - United States

Today, at 3:00 am, I sat with my 3 year-old adopted daughter while she tried to go back to sleep. She had had a nightmare, and I read that "not leaving" was the most important thing a father could do. My wife woke and called me a pervert for sitting there. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/4/2011 14:19 - United States

Today, just a few minutes after I got to work, my usually laconic boss came into my office and said, "Pack your stuff and get the f*ck out." Apparently, half my department was being downsized. Thinking it was an April Fool's, I burst out laughing and told him how funny the prank was. He wasn't kidding. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2016 12:39 - United States - Houston

Today, my psycho ex broke into my fiancée's apartment and cut up her expensive wedding dress. The nutjob is in jail now, but it doesn't seem like the wedding will be happening any time soon. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2012 01:51 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I'd stayed up all night to finish a detailed report. By the time I'd printed it I was late for work so I jumped in my car. Driving down the street, I saw my papers fly off the roof of my car. It was raining out. FML

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By ouch - 19/12/2009 15:15 - United States

Today, I was lying in bed with the worst stomach cramps ever. My boyfriend came, looked at me writhing in pain, and said, "Well at least if it's a tapeworm you'll get skinnier." FML

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By mc - 3/1/2009 02:12 - France

Today, my mother bought me some "biodegradable" tissues. Indeed, they melted… in my hand. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2011 14:10 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad came to visit me. By visit I mean he arrived, took a huge smelly dump and left. This is the first time I've seen my dad in months. FML

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By Alejandroc - 20/1/2012 01:46 - Honduras

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me with a message that I had to pay $1 to see. FML

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By applegreen - 16/2/2017 15:00 - Ireland - Limerick

Today, while getting a breast exam for some suspicious lumps, I was lying on the table with my boobs exposed and I learned my doctor is afraid of wasps. I had to chase the wasp out whilst topless. FML

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By TotallyDeservedIt - 19/5/2016 17:19 - United States - Midlothian

Today, my plan to prank my husband backfired when I forgot about the "pop-its" I left under the toilet seat and set them off. It not only scared the shit out of me, it also woke up my 2 month-old and my grumpy husband. FML

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By Cheese luv - 21/9/2016 16:55 - Australia - Watson

Today, my father threw out my $100 wedge of blue cheese because it "smelled funny". FML

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Top comments

By leili | 0

#657346 - Friday 6 November 2009 8:25

OH my gosh!! That's horrible. It's okay, though. This is definitely not your fault. How could you have known?

By perdix | 29

#657345 - Friday 6 November 2009 8:25

Tell her it will be harder for you to send her home than to send her to Jesus.

See what she chooses.

Comments

By R3B3L | 0

#657337 - Friday 6 November 2009 8:21

FIRST

By nzkristy | 0

#657339 - Friday 6 November 2009 8:23

ouch that has got to suck - one of those moments where you dont quite know what to say to make things better again! fyl

By perdix | 29

#657345 - Friday 6 November 2009 8:25

Tell her it will be harder for you to send her home than to send her to Jesus.

See what she chooses.

By leili | 0

#657346 - Friday 6 November 2009 8:25

OH my gosh!! That's horrible. It's okay, though. This is definitely not your fault. How could you have known?

Reply

diet_otaku | 0

#657815 - Friday 6 November 2009 16:58

what's wrong with people? they shouldn't be leaving out important details like "my LATE husband."

Reply

julian1179 | 0

#1030827 - Tuesday 15 June 2010 13:11

I hate it when people think that just because your a doctor, you know about their previous problems, or 'cuz you're a scientist, you know everything, etc

bothers me so much

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#657353 - Friday 6 November 2009 8:28

diabeetus'll do that

By IIRoxieII | 12

#657355 - Friday 6 November 2009 8:30

Uh oh...

By Ospov | 9

#657379 - Friday 6 November 2009 8:51

lol wow...that's awesome!

By _fake_ | 0

#657383 - Friday 6 November 2009 8:55

Wow. FYL. There's no way you could've known that... Hope it turned out ok!

By dudeitsdanny | 9

#657384 - Friday 6 November 2009 8:57

Well, maybe she thought you meant she was gonna die from it also?
=)
FYL

By Luckster | 0

#657385 - Friday 6 November 2009 8:58

Back with husband? You speak good.

Reply

allmidnighteyes | 10

#657395 - Friday 6 November 2009 9:05

Well, OBVIOUSLY.
Haven't you seen that shitty 3OH!3 video? Only cavemen, high school wrestlers, and girls with cameras exist in Colorado. OP is obviously one of the cave-people.

Reply

Luckster | 0

#657405 - Friday 6 November 2009 9:10

Once again, you're awesome. I wanted to make a smartass comeback, but all I can do is giggle. XD

Reply

allmidnighteyes | 10

#657422 - Friday 6 November 2009 9:28

Thank you :]