Today, I got to work in the ER at the local hospital. A lady... - FML

By Anonymous - 6/11/2009 00:40 - United States

Today, I got to work in the ER at the local hospital. A lady came in with high blood sugar. She was concerned because the same thing happened to her husband. I reassured her, telling her she'll be back with her husband in an hour or so. Her husband died four years ago from something similar. FML

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KoBabe

Incognito browsing

The end of the road

By Anonymous - 9/10/2015 06:39 - United States - Flagstaff

Today, at age 27, I went to pick up the girl I like for my first ever date. Her brother answered the door with a baseball bat, said the date was off and threatened to smash my kneecaps to pieces if I ever came back. FML

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By fatcheeks - 2/3/2010 16:58 - United States

Today, I got all four of my wisdom teeth removed. I went to see my boyfriend for comfort because I was in so much pain. The first thing he asked me when I saw him with huge cheeks? When would be the next time I could give him a blowjob. FML

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By sting - 6/12/2014 01:32 - United States - Valencia

Today, I broke a glass case containing my pet scorpions. I still can't find them. FML

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By Groped - 2/4/2011 00:45 - United States

Today, I gave up my seat on the subway for an elderly man. He thanked me by grabbing my ass. FML

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By anonymous - 26/1/2013 08:42 - United States - Fairbanks

Today, while babysitting my neighbors' kids, their oldest son used a paint pen on the carpet. The boy blamed me and I got fired. He's only 3 and can barely talk. FML

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By Joel - 2/9/2009 04:29 - United States

Today, I found out that my company was throwing a work picnic. When i showed up, I realized that it had been planned months ago and I wasn't supposed to find out. The entire restaurant was there greeting me with faces of utter shock. Nothing says 'you suck' more than being 'that guy' at your job. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2011 08:23 - Canada

Today, I told my husband I want to lose the baby weight I put on with my recent pregnancy, and once I succeed I will go on a clothes shopping spree. To this he remarked, "So either way I'm spending money; either on food or on clothes." FML

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By Anonymous - 5/1/2016 15:04 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, I found out that my best friend is being sacked. He's also about to rent a new apartment which he won't be able to afford when he loses his job. I can't warn him or I'll breach confidentiality and lose my job as well. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2012 04:03 - United States - Ypsilanti

Today, I bought professional hair clippers to shave down below, thinking it would be safer than using a razor. Let's just say the bathroom now looks like a murder scene, and it's going to be a while before I have sex again. FML

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By Angela - 27/2/2011 01:56 - United States

Today, I made plans with an old friend that I haven't seen in years. We agreed to meet at a diner and I told him I'd be standing outside. I watched him pull up, look right at me, then do something with his phone. Seconds later, I got a text saying "Sorry, but I'm busy today and can't make it." FML

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By SomePeoplesKids - 8/5/2012 06:08 - Canada - Okotoks

Today, I walked in on my daughter attempting to iron her pants with a hair straightener. She's 17. FML

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By EchoDearEcho - 4/2/2010 14:52 - Australia

Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my parents. My mother turned to me and said, "Wait you're actually gay? I thought you were just saying that to piss off your father." I came out to her when I was 16, and have confided in her about my past relationships. FML

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By veethebee - 8/5/2019 01:00

Today, I parked in the parking lot at work feeling like I had to sneeze. As I was walking in, the sneeze finally came. Apparently, my nose was bleeding so when I sneezed, blood got all over the floor and my brand new work clothes. FML

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By sistermonster - 26/2/2014 09:45 - France - Salon-de-provence

Today, my boss fired me. I can't really explain the slap I gave him for it, though. FML

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By arch maester shavayalsharashion - 26/7/2015 17:29 - United Kingdom - Surbiton

Today, I was pouring my heart out to my dad about how I'm such a loser and how I have no friends. He listened sympathetically, until his phone buzzed with a text message. He said "Balls, the guys from work wanna get shitfaced." and took a rain check on me. FML

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By damnitsam - 6/8/2017 20:00

Today, while making lunch, I passed out. After waking up in the hospital, my brother yelled at me for leaving the freezer open. FML

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By Egyptian ToyBoy - 17/12/2019 20:00

Seventh heaven

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. She had such an uncontrollable aggressive orgasm. I'd celebrate my efforts only if she didn't knock over my new expensive laptop, when then split in half. FML

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By tryingtoberomantic - 28/9/2019 14:00 - Australia

Too much of a good thing

Today, I took my boyfriend out to dinner to an expensive restaurant. He overate, and now I have to nurse him through food poisoning. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2015 08:17 - Canada - North Vancouver

Today, I was told at my babysitting job that I can't bring my toddler with me. My employer is my best friend. Now I have to find a babysitter for my kid if I want to babysit hers. FML

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By ShayanFCB - 20/10/2009 19:35 - United States

Today, my boss was angry at me because I had filed a complaint about him refusing to change our phone service to something more reliable. Later, a customer called him and said I had hung up on him. I got fired. I didn't hang up on the customer, the phone service just dropped the call. FML

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By Unteachable - 8/2/2017 06:00 - United States

Today, as a high school English teacher, I had to read submissions for a writing contest. The entries were filled with words like "irregardless", "could of", "acrost", and "ain't". These papers were supposedly written by the best students in the school. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2020 15:01 - Canada - Red Deer

My body, my choice

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be a good idea to drink several shots of vodka after taking a pill that makes you sick when you drink. She puked all night and then blamed me for making her sick. FML

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By 1357katie - 19/9/2009 04:22 - Canada

Today, I told my mom about the couple times that I'd skipped classes during high school. She got really mad and grounded me for a month. That would usually be normal except for the fact that I'm 27 and live in my own apartment. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2011 16:03 - United States

Today, my boyfriend got drunk and tried to french-kiss my dog. Now he has 12 stitches in his face, and he's insisting we have to get my dog put down. FML

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By laxie - 27/10/2009 00:42 - United States

Today, my three-year-old decided to dump the entire contents of her cereal box onto the kitchen floor because she was looking for a "prize." The only prize we found was a huge dead cockroach, which she promptly stuck in her mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/8/2011 14:23 - United Kingdom

Today, I spent thirty minutes in the shower trying to remove "Pierre", a face complete with moustache that my girlfriend drew in sharpie on the tip of my cock. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/5/2010 20:14 - Switzerland

Today, I found out I'm allergic to the pills my doctor prescribed for coughing, which I really need because I ripped a muscle in my stomach. Now my whole upper body is covered in a terrible itchy rash. I also found out it will last for at least another week. FML

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By secret - 2/11/2010 19:11 - United States

Today, my fiancé told me it was a mistake to propose to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/1/2012 05:16 - United States

Today, my little brother went through all the artistic anatomy reference books and colored in all the nipples and penises with a bright pink sharpie. These books were from the library. FML

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By Mybrotherissatan - 10/3/2016 15:59 - United States - Arrington

Today, I found out why people in my new neighborhood keep giving me weird looks. For a laugh, my brother had gone around telling them I'm a parolee, and implying that I couldn't be trusted around their children. FML

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By RWW - 28/7/2010 17:38 - United States

Today, at work, I was talking to a customer. She kept shaking her head "no" at everything I said. I asked what she was disagreeing with. She told me she has Parkinson's Disease, teared up, and asked to speak to my manager. FML

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By fatman - 14/12/2009 18:49 - United States

Today, I was on a plane. The person sitting next to me was using the plane's wifi, and was on Facebook. They joined the group 'I hate sitting next to fat people on airplanes'. FML

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By I was just following orders! - 4/10/2018 12:00

Today, I visited my girlfriend in the preschool she's interning at. She asked me to continue reading The Little Mermaid to her class, handing me the book. After the story, the whole class started to cry. She never told me to sugarcoat the ending and lie, Disney-style. FML

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By William Johnson - 26/12/2013 23:57 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I went on a 70-mile drive to the next town over to finally meet this beautiful girl I had talked to online. To my surprise, she looked exactly how she did in her pictures, minus the ring on her finger and the fiancé who wanted to punch me in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2010 00:39 - United Kingdom

Today, while getting a lump in my private region examined by a very cute nurse, I got a massive erection. The smartest thing I could think to say at the time to her was: "I haven't been touched there in a very long time." FML

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By geewhiz - 1/2/2009 10:07 - United Kingdom

Today, I'm 19, I'm at uni, I've never been kissed and the only person I have had a proper conversation with in the past week is my Mum. FML

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By badmom101 - 16/5/2009 11:26 - Canada

Today, my 5 year old daughter thought it would be funny to wake me up by tickling my toes. I guess one of my reflexes acted out because I kicked her right in the face. FML

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By B-rent - 18/3/2011 16:10 - United States

Today, I discovered that the lovely, hunger-inducing smell that's been lingering around the office lately is from the local animal crematory. I've been wistfully inhaling the stench of burning cats, dogs, and other various animals. FML

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By MochiMomoChan - 17/9/2009 09:32 - United States

Today, I found out I'm on wage garnishment because my mother, who took out a student loan for me back in '05, didn't pay off the $2015 owed when she said she would. I got screwed over financially because of her. FML

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By howniceofyou - 1/8/2011 18:12 - Canada

Today, I was at a pool party with some friends. They grabbed and lifted me in the air, about to throw me in the pool. My iPhone was in my pocket, so I screamed "MY PHONE!" They paused so I could gently throw it onto a deck chair. It bounced, hit the concrete, and cracked its screen. FML

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Top comments

By leili | 0

#657346 - Friday 6 November 2009 8:25

OH my gosh!! That's horrible. It's okay, though. This is definitely not your fault. How could you have known?

By perdix | 29

#657345 - Friday 6 November 2009 8:25

Tell her it will be harder for you to send her home than to send her to Jesus.

See what she chooses.

COMMENTS

By R3B3L | 0

#657337 - Friday 6 November 2009 8:21

FIRST

By nzkristy | 0

#657339 - Friday 6 November 2009 8:23

ouch that has got to suck - one of those moments where you dont quite know what to say to make things better again! fyl

By perdix | 29

#657345 - Friday 6 November 2009 8:25

Tell her it will be harder for you to send her home than to send her to Jesus.

See what she chooses.

By leili | 0

#657346 - Friday 6 November 2009 8:25

OH my gosh!! That's horrible. It's okay, though. This is definitely not your fault. How could you have known?

Reply

diet_otaku | 0

#657815 - Friday 6 November 2009 16:58

what's wrong with people? they shouldn't be leaving out important details like "my LATE husband."

Reply

julian1179 | 0

#1030827 - Tuesday 15 June 2010 13:11

I hate it when people think that just because your a doctor, you know about their previous problems, or 'cuz you're a scientist, you know everything, etc

bothers me so much

By allmidnighteyes | 10

#657353 - Friday 6 November 2009 8:28

diabeetus'll do that

By IIRoxieII | 12

#657355 - Friday 6 November 2009 8:30

Uh oh...

By Ospov | 9

#657379 - Friday 6 November 2009 8:51

lol wow...that's awesome!

By _fake_ | 0

#657383 - Friday 6 November 2009 8:55

Wow. FYL. There's no way you could've known that... Hope it turned out ok!

By dudeitsdanny | 9

#657384 - Friday 6 November 2009 8:57

Well, maybe she thought you meant she was gonna die from it also?
=)
FYL

By Luckster | 0

#657385 - Friday 6 November 2009 8:58

Back with husband? You speak good.

Reply

allmidnighteyes | 10

#657395 - Friday 6 November 2009 9:05

Well, OBVIOUSLY.
Haven't you seen that shitty 3OH!3 video? Only cavemen, high school wrestlers, and girls with cameras exist in Colorado. OP is obviously one of the cave-people.

Reply

Luckster | 0

#657405 - Friday 6 November 2009 9:10

Once again, you're awesome. I wanted to make a smartass comeback, but all I can do is giggle. XD

Reply

allmidnighteyes | 10

#657422 - Friday 6 November 2009 9:28

Thank you :]