Work: Today, I got to my underground parking garage at work and saw... - FML

By mikej1985 - Canada

Today, I got to my underground parking garage at work and saw my boss pulling into a spot. I thought I would show him my reverse parking skills and decided to park beside him. As I was pulling in he opened his door to get out and I smashed into it, nearly running him over. FML

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Messed up

And today, on Dr Phil…

Cooked it up

By bcoper - United States

Today, I was in pain due to overdoing it at the gym yesterday, so I thought a hot shower might help. Not only was there no hot water because of my sister's hour long showers, but I slipped getting out and hit my head. Now the pain is worse. FML

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By Ghettogirl4life - United States

Today, I moved into my new apartment. My neighbor is apparently crazy and thinks I'm trying to 'steal' her husband. She watches me and is super paranoid. I have a two year lease. FML

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By FailedEngineer - Australia

Today, I lost my house keys while staggering home drunk, so I decided to climb through an opened window and promptly went to bed. Twenty minutes later the police wake me up while attempting to search my place. The neighbors thought I was a burglar and called the cops. FML

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By candy man - United States - Chapel Hill

Today, my girlfriend got up in the middle of sex saying, "You're taking too long, I'm gonna go make some popcorn." I asked her if she could get me some. She said no. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I realised the recruiter for the Navy lied to me. This shit ain't fun. FML

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By THOMASisMYname - Canada

Today, I went out drinking with my friends. Being safe as we were a little intoxicated, we took a taxi back. The cab driver was also drunk. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was in the middle of a wank when my home's back door, which is always locked, suddenly opened and someone walked in. I’m not sure who was more surprised: me or the new maintenance guy who saw me wanking. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was fired. Not only was I fired with no warning, not only was my friend the one who fired me, but I was fired from the unpaid volunteering position I took to help her out. FML

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By Bouh - France - Paris

Today, as every day for the past few weeks, my husband won't have sex. His reason? We've decided to have a baby, and he reckons that the longer he waits, the more competition there will be between his sperm and thus the better the result will be. FML

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By JustSomeGuy - United States - Bulverde

Like a virgin

Today, while taking my boyfriend's virginity, he started moaning, "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!" He then started crying and praying. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Boise

Today, I now know what it feels like to violently sneeze while a nurse still has a needle in your arm. FML

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By BKCK4187 - United States

Today, I got aroused by the vanilla scent from an unused trash bag. FML

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By lizzy1843 - United States

Today, my cat pissed in my zen garden. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at my work. To urge people to be generous, I paid my friends to put 15 bucks in the tip jar while saying how great I was. He did this about ten times throughout the day. Turns out, us employees don't get to keep the tips. FML

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By ebe

Today, my landlord, due to a past of being an asshole and now enhanced with dementia, suddenly jumped down my throat for parking incorrectly in the driveway, because there's no room for their two cars. He hasn't had two cars in a year. FML

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By poorhamster - United States

Today, I found my pet hamster that escaped yesterday, wet and soggy, next to my pet dog. My dog chewed it. FML

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By dusty

Today I picked my baby up from my babysitter's house. As I was getting him ready for bed, I saw blood and immediately went into a panic, rushing to the hospital and trying to contact her to see if my baby fell and she didn't tell me. Turns out it was just hot Cheeto dust mixed with drool. FML

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By spinner - United States

Today, I was at work. I'm a sign spinner. Lots of other employees shares stories of how they have been flashed by 18 year old hot chicks as they drive by. I got flashed by a 45 year old, 300lbs lady. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked my mother why she didn't drink. She laughed and said, "The last time I drank was the night you were conceived. I didn't need any other disasters." FML

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By fffemaleee - United States - Waterford

Today, my phone got stolen at church. FML

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By thanks gramps - Canada - Whitehorse

Today, I posted a video of a dance I choreographed on Facebook. I got a notification a few hours later telling me that my grandpa had also shared it. His caption? "My granddaughter dances like a gay baboon and this dance sucks balls. Throw grapes at her." Thanks grandpa. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I just bought a car with all of my own money. Then, when I brought it home my dad informed me that my mom will be driving it to work every day. FML

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By nothanks - United States

Today, my elderly father-in-law grabbed my breasts in the pool at a family gathering. I'd let it go as an accident if this wasn't the 4th time it happened today. FML

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By Nofreeride

Today, after arguing with my husband over who needed the car more, I thought he clearly won. As the loser, I spent the day walking everywhere. Later, I learned that he thought I'd won and left the car in our apartment parking garage for me while he took the bus to work. FML

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By ouch - United States

Today, I was volunteering at a nursing home. As a volunteer, I'm not supposed to accept any money or gifts from any of the residents. However, one elderly woman kept insisting I take her gold watch. After politely refusing for the fifth time, she decided to chuck it at my face. FML

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By Anonymousss95 - Sweden

Today, I lost my virginity. Afterwards, he told me that he was only doing this because he wanted to know if he still truly loves his girlfriend. FML

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By so sad no dad

Today, while out with my girlfriends, my overbearing boyfriend called and texted my phone over and over. Later, I told him to calm down and stop acting like my dad. He snapped back, "How am I acting like your dad when you don’t have one?" He knows my dad died when I was 10. FML

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By Asshole hornet - United States - Marblehead

Today, a hornet thought it would be fun to fly into a candle that I had lit. As the hornet burned to death, it flung its charred body at my face, which is more painful than it sounds. FML

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By eyesightfail - United States

Today, I saw a squirrel beside a tree. Thinking it was cute, I stepped closer, picked up a pine cone and tried to lure it to come closer. After about two minutes of silently squatting on someone's lawn holding a pine cone, I realized the squirrel was dead. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was performing an experiment in science class. The prac required me to shake up a test tube filled with different materials. Taking the test tube in one hand, I shook it up and down. My teacher then stood next to me and said, "It's disturbing how good you are at that." FML

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By Disappointment - United States - Gresham

Today, I flew home to visit my parents. We haven't seen each other in two years, I've gotten a few tattoos done since, and I knew they wouldn't approve, so I bought whole new outfits that covered everything and looked professional. When I got there, the first thing my mom says to me is, "Is that a nose ring!?" FML

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By wellthisisbad - United States - Boynton Beach

Today, I learned that not only am I pregnant, I'm too far along for an abortion. My husband and I originally bonded over the fact that we both hate children. FML

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By colebear - United States

Today, I went to hand in a job application, and the supervisor wanted to ask me a few questions. I was nervous so I kept touching the fabric on a nearby display table. Only after I left did my friend tell me it was a pantie display, and that I was fondling underwear. FML

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By boohoo - Netherlands - Amstelveen

Today, I was on a date with a very intelligent and handsome guy. I was so nervous that when he was telling me about his twin sister, I asked him if they were identical twins. FML

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By jimmy - Canada - Orangeville

Today, my 5-year-old son put my car keys in the microwave thinking that they would 'warm up' my car. FML

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By girlsgottagotoo - United States - Covina

Today, I passed a cashier when I came into a store. Later I passed him again as I was leaving, and he asked me if I needed help finding something because I had been in the store for a while. I told him I had been browsing upstairs, but in reality, I had been in the restroom the whole time. FML

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By Joey - United States

Today, my company hired a new guy to help on our project. My boss said that he would shadow me for the whole day so he could learn our system. At the end of the day my boss fired me, handed my company car keys and laptop to my "shadow for the day" right in front of me. My Mom picked me up. FML

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By ab - Canada

Today, a woman came into my work and yelled at me because no one told her the cake she had bought the week before was made of ice cream. She'd hidden it in the cupboard and it melted. I work in Dairy Queen. FML

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By drew - United States

Today, I was run over by my own car as I tried to push it out of a snowbank. FML

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By Missy - United States

Today, I was sitting on a park bench with my very elderly grandfather while listening to music at a low volume. Suddenly, he turned to me and said very loudly, "I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD AIDS!" I received strange looks from everyone because he mistook my ear buds for a hearing aid. FML

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Top comments

By flyhigh26 | 0

#45952 - Friday 20 March 2009 22:44

that's his fault he should have looked before he opened the door.

By Lobster_fml | 0

#45962 - Friday 20 March 2009 22:47

Why would you want to show off your 'skills'? It's not like you're the only person in this world who knows how to drive.

COMMENTS

By kayronjm | 0

#45948 - Friday 20 March 2009 22:44

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

UnluckyChicka | 0

#2219936 - Tuesday 22 March 2011 1:42

I'm just wondering about why anyone would care about impressing their boss with "driving skills"....

Reply

woody768 | 0

#2980072 - Tuesday 26 July 2011 15:09

he wants to hook up?

By flyhigh26 | 0

#45952 - Friday 20 March 2009 22:44

that's his fault he should have looked before he opened the door.

By gumcuzzler | 0

#45957 - Friday 20 March 2009 22:46

GJ numbnuts...

By Lobster_fml | 0

#45962 - Friday 20 March 2009 22:47

Why would you want to show off your 'skills'? It's not like you're the only person in this world who knows how to drive.

By Ahhem | 0

#45964 - Friday 20 March 2009 22:47

Nice skills.

By Cre6rul | 0

#45965 - Friday 20 March 2009 22:47

lol that is so FML lol!

By ndrocksmysocks44 | 0

#45966 - Friday 20 March 2009 22:47

how is that your fault? unless he is a total a$$ he will know that :|

By Ender_ | 0

#45978 - Friday 20 March 2009 22:50

I just want to know what your bosses reaction was. Was he like Mr. Spacely off the Jestons? "OP YOU'RE FIRED!!!"

By mich23 | 10

#45980 - Friday 20 March 2009 22:51

when people park they usually get out of the car.....

Reply

capslockisgood | 19

#4883916 - Saturday 1 September 2012 6:45

Thats what OPs boss did

Reply

ddlovatolover | 23

#5631078 - Saturday 17 August 2013 4:40

And when people get out of their cars they usually look first. Which is what OP's boss didn't do.

By sunshyne84_fml | 0

#45983 - Friday 20 March 2009 22:51

what an idiot
I agree with #4