Animals: Today, I got to live my life's dream of going whale watching....

By disappointed

Today, I got to live my life's dream of going whale watching. Apparently my true life's dream was to get extremely seasick, sunburned to a crisp, and pay $60 to see only seagulls in the end. FML

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Animals

Messed up

Narcissistic parents FTW

Some winners…

By Anonymous - 9/1/2021 05:01 - Australia

Livin' the dream

Today, and for the last few days, I’ve been playing farming life simulator games. It dawned on me that my fictional farmers will probably be more successful and social and rich and energetic than I ever will be in my entire life. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Clarksville

Today, after finally spending the night with my longtime crush, it's as if I can still feel her fingers caressing my hair. But wait, no, that's just the head lice she gave me. FML

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By FereldonBorn - United States - Roseville

Today, my dog was all over me, and I couldn't help but notice she kept sniffing towards my boobs. Turns out, she wasn't there to get love from me. She was there for a piece of food that I didn't notice had fallen in my bra. FML

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By none - United States - San Antonio

Today, I had sex. The guy texted me an hour later, saying, "That was awkward. Let's not do that again." FML

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By Anonymous

He's a very naughty boy

Today, a Jehovah's Witness followed me around, talking about Jesus. My dad's a pastor. I hear this stuff all day, every day. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, I woke up to what sounded like twigs snapping. Turns out it was the skull of a live mouse being crushed in my cat's jaws. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got home after a night of drinking with my coworker. We hooked up, but he was so drunk he had to use a flashlight to put it in. Then, he ran out of the room to throw up. FML

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By marenthehollow - United States - American Fork

Today, I got yelled at by a customer for saving them money. FML

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By waitforit - United States

Today, I thought it would be really hot to watch porn while my girlfriend and I were having sex. I got so hot and aroused that I came before the previews even ended. That was less than one minute. FML

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By me - United States

Today, my fiancé and I had a fight over household expenses. He's never had a job in his life, but this didn't stop him demanding that I get another full-time job to pay for video games and beer. FML

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By HillaryAngelic - United States - Flint

Today, after a church service, a man approached me as I was walking to my car. He had tears in his eyes and politely asked if I would pray with him. He asked if we could hold hands. As I reached out to hold his hands, the bitch snatched my purse and ran. FML

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By xomelodygervais - Canada - Timmins

Today, my husband's version of roleplaying was pretending that he actually wanted to have sex with me. FML

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By Haggis300 - Australia

Today, my best friend went to my boss and offered to do my job for half the pay. FML

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31184

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By panos016 - United Kingdom

Today, after 14 rice-filled days in China, I came back home. What's for lunch? Rice. FML

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32502

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I heard my asshole neighbor had died of a stroke. I was outside and said, "Well it's about goddamn time!" I turned around to see his wife walking her dog and staring deep into my soul. FML

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By snowbell18 - United States

Today, I had to pay my manager $10 just to take my stalker's order so I didn't have to. FML

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By Anonymous

Burden

Today, after a fight with my parents, I told them I was running away. They said, "Good. Now we have less to pay in child support." FML

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By Josh - United States - Fenton

Today, some guy on the street threatened to stab me. I called his bluff, and walked away. He wasn't bluffing. FML

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36842

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By Bucks9 - United States

Today, I was shopping in the mall. A cute store worker kept checking me out, so after I picked a few things I went up to her and started flirting. After a few seconds, she cut me off and said, "Actually I was watching you because you look like someone who would shoplift." FML

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48144

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, a coworker told me she may be in love with me. I admitted similar feelings and we agreed, since we're both happily married, not to spend time together anymore. Two hours later we were both promoted to run the same project, where we'll be "working hand in glove for the next couple of years." FML

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56812

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By Rhett_15

Doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo

Today, I found out that my favorite song is about blow jobs and crystal meth. FML

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3351

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By failingyetagain - United Kingdom - Barrow Upon Soar

Today, I was doing my first shift waitressing in a café. Not an hour in, I'd already spilt tea over somebody and dropped two whole meals. Looks like this won't last much longer. FML

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By OptMouse - Denmark - Lyngby

Today, my supervisor forced me to bring the image of a failed simulation to the group meeting, because he thought it looked funny. So did the others and it's now going on our webpage. I have to provide a scientific description of how I made a mistake in my code. FML

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By Ackno

Today, I was having sex with my husband when the pores on his forehead triggered my trypophobia. We had to stop before I had a panic attack. FML

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5936

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By can’t buy her love - 22/3/2021 18:01 - United States

Menace II Society

Today, my teenage stepdaughter wrecked her third car texting and driving. I’ve pleaded with my husband to stop buying her new ones and to revoke her driving privileges. He’s so desperate for her to love him that he’ll give her literally anything. I’m scared she’s going to get someone killed. FML

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1395

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I changed my relationship status on Facebook from "in a relationship" to "single." I forgot to take my phone to work, and when I got back, I saw someone had replied, "What happened?" Someone else commented, "He broke his hand." My ex and a bunch of other "friends" liked it. FML

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By zaktor

Today, at my fundraising job, I got my biggest donation ever: $500. I accidentally added a zero and charged the donor $5000. What I got: an angry phone call and a lecture from my boss. What I didn't get: a donation. FML

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By KMilly - United States

Today, I rolled down the windows in my car. When I tried to roll up the passenger side window, it was stuck. Rain was coming so I freaked out and brought it to the dealership to get it fixed. The man pushed the child safety lock button and the entire garage erupted in laughter. FML

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14382

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By bigvic780

Today, I fulfilled a lifelong dream by attending a Dallas Cowboys football game. Our sitter fell through at the last minute so I took my five-year-old son instead of my wife. We had to leave after the first quarter because he threw up everywhere. FML

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3448

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2021 08:02 - Netherlands - Almere

People are people

Today, after almost 2 months of working from home alone, I was out walking and heard 2 guys talking. One was sitting in his car smoking weed; the other was standing next to the car telling him how he was tested positive today. Maybe not mention you are Covid positive when you're not supposed to be in public at all. FML

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744

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By lovedbyallthewrongppl - United States

Today, I was teaching my two year old daughter how to take a person's temperature. While I was sitting down, she came up behind me and shoved the thermometer in my ear hard. Now I can't hear out of my right ear, and I'm in excruciating pain. FML

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31068

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By Anonymous - United States - Castle Rock

Today, after eight months of unemployment, I finally started at my new night job. Shortly after walking in, my boss came up behind me, whispered "hooorse dicksss" in my ear, and walked off without another word. I am terrified. FML

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By priceycommute

Today, after rushing to the bus stop and frantically boarding at the last possible second, I realized that I didn't pay my fare with a single, but a twenty. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, on WhatsApp, I jokingly said, "I have been a naughty furry, I need spanking" in a group chat with all my friends. They had a good time laughing their asses off, not only because of the text, but because I put it in a group that included my boss and all of my colleagues. FML

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5450

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By iJehx - United States

Today, I had to clean my walls with those Mr Clean Magic Sponges because we were having visitors. I got bored and started drawing penises with it because they would leave wet marks. There is nothing magic about how slow they dry when your visitors come an hour early. They saw all ten of them. FML

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10419

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By CUCKOO - United Kingdom

Today, I went on a blind date. The girl seemed perfect for me, until I found out she says "lol" and "rofl" out loud whenever she laughs. She also believes sex screws with people's "spiritual energy", and that's why she'll never have it. FML

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48271

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By help meeeee - 14/3/2021 17:01

Abalaschabalamanama

Today, and ever since we watched a documentary about televangelists scamming people, my boyfriend randomly imitates them speaking "in tongues" because he knows it freaks me out. He's really good at it as well. FML

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708

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By human lava lamp - United States - New Britain

Today, I was at the airport, when a lady came up and loudly asked if she could sit next to me. I have serious social issues, so to avoid having to talk to her, I pretended I was deaf and couldn't hear her. She immediately broke out her sign language skills. FML

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16335

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By Aintnosunshine - France

Today, I attended a speed dating evening. After 7 minutes, the girl told me she wasn't interested. I asked her at what point of the conversation she had made up her mind, she answered: "When you said 'Hello'. Goodbye". FML

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23212

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By fucking fratricidal - Canada - Bedford

Today, for the second week in a row, my brother woke me up in the small hours of the morning begging me to help him figure out the math problem to turn off his phone's stupid-ass app alarm. FML

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Top comments

By TheDragonWarrior | 5

#4722829 - Monday 23 July 2012 9:09

Doesn't that make you want to whale?

By rorburt | 11

#4722826 - Monday 23 July 2012 9:09

Maybe you should have worn some damn-ass sunscreen.

COMMENTS

By Cookiemonster157 | 0

#4722819 - Monday 23 July 2012 9:08

SOrry to hear that ;(

slurshies | 11

#4722877 - Monday 23 July 2012 9:21

60$ for a tan-in-the-making, ordinary wildlife viewing, not to mention lovely public washrooms? sounds like a blast to me! (that was sarcasm, for all you idiots out there that are nit picky about such things)

williemac987 | 5

#4724094 - Monday 23 July 2012 16:37

That was your long-life dream? Why?

By Sunako_fml | 9

#4722821 - Monday 23 July 2012 9:08

Wow I'm so sorry OP :( Hopefully you will overcome your seasickness eventually! And wear sunscreen next time!

tehcyberman | 9

#4723797 - Monday 23 July 2012 15:37

Putting on the correct amount of sunscreen and doing it frequently enough can be tricky sometimes. Unless you are thoroughly applying it every 10 minutes or something, theres no guaruntee you won't get sunburned, even with sunscreen.

SomeRussianGirl | 3

#4724770 - Monday 23 July 2012 19:42

Just go to SeaWorld and STFU :/

beelee1988 | 13

#4725979 - Tuesday 24 July 2012 4:10

Sea World and Whale Watching don't even compare to each other.

By xactownife | 7

#4722822 - Monday 23 July 2012 9:08

How the fuck do they deserve it?

By rorburt | 11

#4722826 - Monday 23 July 2012 9:09

Maybe you should have worn some damn-ass sunscreen.

Airman1988 | 9

#4722842 - Monday 23 July 2012 9:12

But than they would have a super pasty ass to go with a tomato red body geez

Zya_fml | 8

#4722847 - Monday 23 July 2012 9:12

That wasn't the main point...

Katiekhalifa_fml | 28

#4722854 - Monday 23 July 2012 9:14

Damn-ass? What the hell.

rorburt | 11

#4722859 - Monday 23 July 2012 9:15

aw :( i guess that negates my comment!

Xythenol | 6

#4722862 - Monday 23 July 2012 9:17

I thumbed it up because I found the "damn-ass" to be hilarious.

ohcheriecherie | 20

#4723053 - Monday 23 July 2012 10:06

Damn-Ass? Is that French? What is it, 50 SPF? I wear only 35 and higher

rorburt | 11

#4723061 - Monday 23 July 2012 10:11

Whatever damn-ass spf you can find it the hell in.

ebonyirony | 29

#4723736 - Monday 23 July 2012 15:20

You can't do it twice.

SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#4723740 - Monday 23 July 2012 15:20

I would love some damn-ass sunscreen.

uberdubers | 3

#4723813 - Monday 23 July 2012 15:40

5 appearantly likes to say damn a lot...Read their description

SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#4723817 - Monday 23 July 2012 15:42

49: DAYUM!

brynom | 8

#4723985 - Monday 23 July 2012 16:18

At 5. Haha you like to same damn a lot...

beelee1988 | 13

#4725994 - Tuesday 24 July 2012 4:14

Rorburt... you're not supposed to speak of Tumblr, outside of Tumblr. *hits myself for doing the same thing* . Thumb me down. I deserve it.

rorburt | 11

#4726075 - Tuesday 24 July 2012 4:30

fuck rules

By comedybreak | 20

#4722828 - Monday 23 July 2012 9:09

You didn't completely take a guess just so you can be number one, nope.

By TheDragonWarrior | 5

#4722829 - Monday 23 July 2012 9:09

Doesn't that make you want to whale?

By DoubleCross | 9

#4722834 - Monday 23 July 2012 9:10

Why is that your life dream?

By Kibaruto | 33

#4722837 - Monday 23 July 2012 9:10

Should have grabbed seagulls, had them fly you over the ocean, instant whale watching from the sky.

JustKittyKat | 24

#4723083 - Monday 23 July 2012 10:15

Like James and the giant peach! Except they didn't whale watch.

By Zya_fml | 8

#4722839 - Monday 23 July 2012 9:11

Fuck the whales. You got to see flippin' seagulls!

By legitkitty | 11

#4722851 - Monday 23 July 2012 9:13

Well, atleast you got to see the seagulls. I hear they're going extinct!

No really, I'm sorry you had such a bad experience, OP. That really... Blows :3