Animals: Today, I got to live my life's dream of going whale watching....

By disappointed

Today, I got to live my life's dream of going whale watching. Apparently my true life's dream was to get extremely seasick, sunburned to a crisp, and pay $60 to see only seagulls in the end. FML

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Animals

Commando

Capitalism kills

OK, well, goodbye

By cocokiss410 - United States

Today, while I was at work, a co-worker watched while some kid stole the radio out of my car. FML

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By brhorton02 - United States

Today, I was waitering at the restaurant that I work at when I collected a credit card bill that was worth $120 and a big zero on the tip line. Angered, I turned to a co-worker and said "I knew this asshole wasn't going to tip me." The guy was standing right behind me with $30 in his hand. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I decided to use hand sanitizer to mask the smell of my armpits at work. Not only did it intensify the stench, my boss thinks I have a drinking problem, because I vaguely smelled of alcohol. I was too embarrassed to explain. FML

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By purplexangel - United States - Lubbock

Today, I tried to stand by my toaster and train myself to not jump when it popped up. Not only did I jump, I also knocked the toaster off the counter and onto my toes. FML

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By georgiaswish - United Kingdom

Today, my obsessive ex, who recently cut my phone line to stop me from talking to my boyfriend of three years, got a job at the same restaurant where both my boyfriend and I work. FML

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By HMM - United States

Timewaster

Today, I received a call while at the dispatch station for the Naval hospital I work at. It was a woman having a panic attack. Apparently, she couldn't plug her vacuum in, and was more or less freaking out. I had to take her in anyway. FML

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By Miss Blairgowrie - Australia - Fairfield

Today, I got my retainer fitted. It stimulates my gag reflex so badly that I gag every time I try so say anything with a 'P' in it. My orthodontist laughed and suggested I get a thesaurus. FML

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By horp - United States - Torrington

Today, I was having lunch and I started throwing crumbs at my friend at the other table. Then I accidentally hit the kid next to him. He got really mad and came over and hit me in the shoulder with a brick. A brick. He just had a brick in his bag. FML

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By Jen1444 - United States - Rockaway Park

Ouch.

Today, I gave a financial presentation to my entire firm. After it was over, somebody accidentally copied me on a group text that said, "Her zipper was open the whole time. If we're so successful, why is our CFO wearing a urine-stained store-brand K-Mart panties?" FML

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By skyphoenix - United States

Today, I went on a trip with some people from work to watch a baseball game. Halfway through the game, one of my managers shook my hand and said "Nice to Meet You." I've been working there for 3 months. FML

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By Still Dry - United States

Today, I went to a water park, and the fee to get in was $39.95. Once I got in I was really thirsty, so I got a soda and then I hear over the intercom that the park is closing due to a clog in the cleaning system. I paid 43.67 for a soda. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Hull

Today, my brother started ranting about how fluoridated water is a conspiracy to "turn people gay". I said the government must be doing a shit job of it, since he's been drinking the stuff longer than I've been alive and is still married to a woman. He punched me so hard, my vision blacked out. FML

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By PerturbedStudent - United States - Keller

Today, I finally received my first love letter. Too bad it was from the boy who lit me on fire two months ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house and badly needed to pee. Just as I was about to say I had to go to the bathroom, my boyfriend suddenly put his hands around my stomach and picked me up. He hit just the right spot, causing me to empty my bladder then and there. FML

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By motorboatofdoom - 30/3/2020 05:00

Nice way to go, really

Today, I learned that my girlfriend is terrified of me seeing her sex faces, so she violently squished my face between her boobs during sex. I then had a severe asthma attack because I couldn't breathe properly. FML

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By NathanPlays - United States

Today, a very attractive girl moved in across the road from me. As I was leaving, I noticed she was looking out her window at me. I tried playing it cool, only to end up tripping over my own feet, hands in pocket, and faceplanting the hood of my dad's car. FML

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By sicksicksick - Senegal

Today, after years of lobbying for a travel job, I'm finally in Africa. Everything I eat or drink comes violently back out both directions. When I don't eat or drink, I pass out. Essentially I have to choose between illness and consciousness. Hello, fabulous new job. FML

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By Anonymous

Back-seat parenting

Today, I yelled at my oldest son for picking his little brother up by the throat. Only to then be yelled at my my mother-in-law for hurting his feelings. FML

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By youdontknowmewhy - United States - Keller

Today, I was called a selfish brat for asking for a pillow as my birthday present. FML

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29772

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By Me - United States

Today, while at work, a rather large woman came in and ordered a cheeseburger. When asking if she would like to supersize it, she took her purse, smacked me, and told me she wasn't fat, and how rude I was for calling her supersized. I was just doing my job. FML

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By 552220000

Meanwhile, at Harvard…

Today, I raised my hand to answer a question, but I forgot the answer, so when the teacher called on me, I just said, "I need to pee." FML

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1334

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By Anonymous

Today, my stress sweat overpowered my prescription strength deodorant 45 minutes into an 8-hour shift. I don't know who is more miserable, me or my coworkers. FML

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By nehadrihan - United States - Oceanside

Today, my mom decided to follow me during my driving test. She rear ended me. FML

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By muggle68 - United States

Today, was my birthday. I have been heavily hinting that I want an iPhone. I opened my present from my parents and found an iPhone box. Ecstatic, I quickly opened it. Apparently, my parents thought it would be funny to wrap my present, a $10 iTunes gift card, in the box my Dad's iPhone came in. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I took my dog for a basic spay and dental cleaning procedure. When I picked her up from the vet, I was reading through the surgery papers before they sent me away. They'd pulled 29 abscessed teeth and didn’t feel the need to tell me. FML

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By obeezy - United States

Today, I didn't have any money to buy a tampon from the dispenser at my school but my hands are small enough so I can just slide them up and grab one. My hand got stuck in the dispenser and my school had to call the fire department. Now everyone calls me tampon girl. FML

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32470

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By MillyMan - United States

Today, I have to follow through with the bet I lost over the Super Bowl game. I don't have a problem running a lap nude around my block, but the cops in the police station right across from my house probably will. FML

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By wtf - United States

Today, I was jamming out and playing some air guitar. I somehow managed to knee myself directly in my left eye socket. I now have a hideously swollen face and a black eye. When people ask me what happened, I'll be hesitant to tell the truth. FML

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By need an appendickectomy - Finland

Today, I found out my boyfriend has been cheating on me for months. It all started while I was in the hospital, he says, because we were supposed to go out that day, but then I "had to go and get sick". He blames my emergency surgery for his infidelity. FML

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By Jukka

Today, I watched Free Willy with my daughter. Later on she decided to free her 6 pet mice into the house. FML

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By mia - United States - Wakefield

Today, I told my mom that I think I'm lactose intolerant, and that I should go to the doctor to get checked out. She said that I was probably just gassy, and then ordered us a pizza for dinner. FML

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8468

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By pandabear93 - United States

Today, I was talking to my mom about when I have kids. I told her I may want two or three. She immediately cut me off and told me to stick to one, and that any more than that will be a burden. I am the second born child of my family. FML

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By Ash - 13/12/2020 07:02 - United Kingdom

Sex ban

Today, my girlfriend got mad at me because I failed to notice I’ve been on a sex ban as punishment for upsetting her mother 3 weeks ago. Three weeks isn’t even our longest no sex period; we’ve gone months without sex before for no good reason, so is it any wonder I didn’t notice after only 3 weeks? FML

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1074

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By Anonymous - United States - Camarillo

Rubbing one out on the sly

Today, I went over to talk to my boss. I must have snuck up on her because she was masturbating through her pants. She stopped and I had to chat away, pretending I didn't notice. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after three weeks of fighting with my husband, I found out that he really didn't create an account on a website for cheaters and charge the bill to his credit card. Our daughter did it as a prank, and only confessed because our fighting was stressing her out. FML

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By SuperBunny - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to take me to dinner to meet his parents. As we pulled into the restaurant valet I saw a woman in a slutty dress and hooker heels get out of the car ahead of us. I jokingly asked if we had accidentally pulled into a strip club pointing to the woman. It was his mother. FML

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By boring - New Zealand

Today, I fell asleep and dreamed that I had won $500,000. In my dream, I used this money to buy a new MP3 Player, and then put the rest in a term deposit. Even in my dreams, I'm the most boring person I know. FML

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By Zack - Israel

Today, I tried to prove to my dad that he snores by secretly putting a tape recorder under his bed. I soon found out my parents had sex that night. Apparently, my mom likes to talk dirty. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Demopolis

Today, my dad made the local news. The business he owns is so run down and overgrown that it's officially a public health hazard. FML

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By randa

Today, I told my boss I was too sick to come to work. He asked if I had a late night so I told him I stayed in. Apparently I ran into him at a bar last night and was too drunk to remember it. FML

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Top comments

By TheDragonWarrior | 5

#4722829 - Monday 23 July 2012 9:09

Doesn't that make you want to whale?

By rorburt | 11

#4722826 - Monday 23 July 2012 9:09

Maybe you should have worn some damn-ass sunscreen.

COMMENTS

By Cookiemonster157 | 0

#4722819 - Monday 23 July 2012 9:08

SOrry to hear that ;(

slurshies | 11

#4722877 - Monday 23 July 2012 9:21

60$ for a tan-in-the-making, ordinary wildlife viewing, not to mention lovely public washrooms? sounds like a blast to me! (that was sarcasm, for all you idiots out there that are nit picky about such things)

williemac987 | 5

#4724094 - Monday 23 July 2012 16:37

That was your long-life dream? Why?

By Sunako_fml | 9

#4722821 - Monday 23 July 2012 9:08

Wow I'm so sorry OP :( Hopefully you will overcome your seasickness eventually! And wear sunscreen next time!

tehcyberman | 9

#4723797 - Monday 23 July 2012 15:37

Putting on the correct amount of sunscreen and doing it frequently enough can be tricky sometimes. Unless you are thoroughly applying it every 10 minutes or something, theres no guaruntee you won't get sunburned, even with sunscreen.

SomeRussianGirl | 3

#4724770 - Monday 23 July 2012 19:42

Just go to SeaWorld and STFU :/

beelee1988 | 13

#4725979 - Tuesday 24 July 2012 4:10

Sea World and Whale Watching don't even compare to each other.

By xactownife | 7

#4722822 - Monday 23 July 2012 9:08

How the fuck do they deserve it?

By rorburt | 11

#4722826 - Monday 23 July 2012 9:09

Maybe you should have worn some damn-ass sunscreen.

Airman1988 | 9

#4722842 - Monday 23 July 2012 9:12

But than they would have a super pasty ass to go with a tomato red body geez

Zya_fml | 8

#4722847 - Monday 23 July 2012 9:12

That wasn't the main point...

Katiekhalifa_fml | 28

#4722854 - Monday 23 July 2012 9:14

Damn-ass? What the hell.

rorburt | 11

#4722859 - Monday 23 July 2012 9:15

aw :( i guess that negates my comment!

Xythenol | 6

#4722862 - Monday 23 July 2012 9:17

I thumbed it up because I found the "damn-ass" to be hilarious.

ohcheriecherie | 20

#4723053 - Monday 23 July 2012 10:06

Damn-Ass? Is that French? What is it, 50 SPF? I wear only 35 and higher

rorburt | 11

#4723061 - Monday 23 July 2012 10:11

Whatever damn-ass spf you can find it the hell in.

ebonyirony | 29

#4723736 - Monday 23 July 2012 15:20

You can't do it twice.

SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#4723740 - Monday 23 July 2012 15:20

I would love some damn-ass sunscreen.

uberdubers | 3

#4723813 - Monday 23 July 2012 15:40

5 appearantly likes to say damn a lot...Read their description

SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#4723817 - Monday 23 July 2012 15:42

49: DAYUM!

brynom | 8

#4723985 - Monday 23 July 2012 16:18

At 5. Haha you like to same damn a lot...

beelee1988 | 13

#4725994 - Tuesday 24 July 2012 4:14

Rorburt... you're not supposed to speak of Tumblr, outside of Tumblr. *hits myself for doing the same thing* . Thumb me down. I deserve it.

rorburt | 11

#4726075 - Tuesday 24 July 2012 4:30

fuck rules

By comedybreak | 20

#4722828 - Monday 23 July 2012 9:09

You didn't completely take a guess just so you can be number one, nope.

By TheDragonWarrior | 5

#4722829 - Monday 23 July 2012 9:09

Doesn't that make you want to whale?

By DoubleCross | 9

#4722834 - Monday 23 July 2012 9:10

Why is that your life dream?

By Kibaruto | 33

#4722837 - Monday 23 July 2012 9:10

Should have grabbed seagulls, had them fly you over the ocean, instant whale watching from the sky.

JustKittyKat | 24

#4723083 - Monday 23 July 2012 10:15

Like James and the giant peach! Except they didn't whale watch.

By Zya_fml | 8

#4722839 - Monday 23 July 2012 9:11

Fuck the whales. You got to see flippin' seagulls!

By legitkitty | 11

#4722851 - Monday 23 July 2012 9:13

Well, atleast you got to see the seagulls. I hear they're going extinct!

No really, I'm sorry you had such a bad experience, OP. That really... Blows :3