Today, I got the flu. Feeling really sick and depressed, I called...

By Anonymous - 18/11/2009 11:47 - Denmark

Today, I got the flu. Feeling really sick and depressed, I called my boyfriend to get some comfort. When he didn't answer his cell, I called his house, only to hear his mother telling me "he was so sad that we broke up." I didn't know. FML

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Love

Big baby man

Does it taste good?

Assumptions

By xXPikachuXx - 22/7/2019 02:01

Today, after 3 months of job hunting, I finally got a job. But now my birth certificate and social security card are somehow lost, and I can't start until I let them see a copy. FML

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By frustrated! - 6/2/2013 06:01 - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me a freak for wanting to have sex for a second night in a row. FML

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By Matthew - 4/7/2018 22:30

Today, during science, my friend thought it would be funny to pour corrosive acids into the reaction test I was making. I had to explain to my parents why I have no eyebrows, but the worst part is that I only got a D. FML

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By Well okay then - 9/10/2016 17:12 - United States - Palmdale

Today, after letting the painters working on my house know that they're more than welcome to use my restroom, I walked outside only to find three of them pissing in my garden. One even aimed for my tomatoes. FML

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By HeSaysImNoBeard - 26/11/2009 16:47 - United States

Today, I went to see the new Twilight movie, for the second time. The first time was at the midnight premiere. I would be "okay" with it if the person who had dragged me to see it both times hadn't been my boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2009 11:13 - Greece

Today, I said to our pool-boy, "I know what you're doing, and you have to stop it." He started shouting that I had no right to tell them what to do and that they were in love. He was referring to his relationship with my eldest son. I wanted to tell him to stop drinking my beers. FML

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By jruth7 - 15/5/2011 04:49 - United States

Today, after being in Europe for a month, I got home to find my door wide open and all my stuff gone. I called my dad who was supposed to be watching my house. He told me I should have had someone check on my place while I was gone. FML

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By fijiflu - 5/11/2015 21:31

Today, at work in a call center, I went into my locker to get my pain pills from a recent surgery. When I opened the bottle, half my pills spread all over the floor. My boss walked by and said, "I knew it!" FML

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By Cindell Hanson - 2/3/2020 05:00

Kids these days…

Today, a student told me to fuck off. I work with 3 year-olds. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2014 23:14 - Australia - Fitzroy

Today, I proudly informed my grandma that I now have a girlfriend. My grandpa overheard and said how surprising that was, given how expensive blowup dolls are. He and my grandma then both laughed out loud. FML

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By Dor51 - 27/10/2013 19:52 - United States - Tacoma

Today, we found out that my unborn sibling is a girl, and my parents quickly named her. In a few years' time, "Candida" is going to catch all kinds of shit at school, just like I do for being named Dorothy. My "friends" have already started calling me "lil' yeast infection's sis". FML

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By Appelflap - 29/3/2013 22:18 - Belgium - Sint-niklaas

Today, I was feeling down following a recent breakup. My dad tried to comfort me by patting me on the back and saying everyone goes through ups and downs, "Like when I found out your mum and I were having a boy." I'm their only son. FML

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By chew toy - 25/5/2017 11:00 - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, I went to see my sister and took a couple of dog biscuits for her dog. I forgot about them until later when I realised I had a hole in my pocket, near my crotch. The dog pointed this out by chomping my balls to get to the biscuits. My attempts to remove him resulted in more vigorous chewing. FML

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By Dude - 19/8/2009 10:32 - United States

Today, at WalMart, I saw a guy taping a sign that read "Hide and seek world champs!" over the lost children board. I chased him out of the store, then came back to take it down. As I was trying to remove the sign, a huge crowd began cursing at me and threatening me. They thought I'd made the sign. FML

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By ugh - 24/11/2014 12:40 - United States - Port Chester

Today, I was really excited to get a new bank account in my name. My parents wanted me to have it so they could transfer money from mine to theirs and vice versa. What excited me less was my father drunkenly accessing it and taking all my cash. FML

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By emancipate me - 15/5/2016 19:59 - United States - Knoxville

Today, my mom was in a really bad mood, so I stayed in my room to avoid her. It didn't take long before she barged in and started bitching about my dog, who'd pissed her off by acting too happy. Yes, she's actually that insane, and I have to deal with it on a daily basis. FML

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By Maddy - 10/3/2010 08:00 - United States

Today, I was going to break up with my boyfriend for taking me for granted and being such a jerk. He didn't even show up for our date. FML

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By lindsay - 28/10/2019 00:01

Unflattered

Today, I was at the airport walking around, killing time. There was a man about twenty years older than me who kept on eyeballing me, and it really wasn't flattering. I get on the plane and guess who I get to sit next to. FML

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By Iamdisappointed - 24/7/2013 11:50 - Sweden - Ludvika

Today, the doctor told my husband that he is infertile due to slow sperm. As if this is not upsetting enough, my husband blames it on me. According to him, his sperm doesn't get 'aroused' because I'm not sexy enough. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2013 16:15 - United States

Today, my boss fired me from my job at a local family-owned business. Thanks, mom. FML

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By gkid92 - 16/8/2011 16:16 - Canada

Today, I found out that if I don't get fillings in at least ten of my teeth within the next year, I could lose them all. I'm 19. FML

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By fuck kids - 6/6/2013 18:24 - United States - Binghamton

Today, I went to a water park with a group of friends. As I went down the water slide, some complete turd waffle of a kid in the water kicked his leg out in line with my crotch. The moment I hit the bottom was the moment I think I became sterile. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2011 07:16 - United States

Today, I discovered the reason my favorite stick of deodorant hasn't smelled right for the past two weeks. My dad uses it on his butt crack and balls "to clean up the stank". FML

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By Depirama - 28/2/2014 21:26 - France - Bron

Today, I confessed my love for the girl I like, on the forum she moderates. She responded by banning me. FML

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By smiles22 - 27/11/2010 06:38 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend has a back-up girl if we break up. FML

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By T-Bear - 7/10/2015 15:02 - United States - College Station

Today, I'm staying at my grandparents' house. I went upstairs to grab my sketchbook to show off to my grandma. My grandpa is half-deaf, which I guess explains how he didn't hear me. I heard him though, jerking off and muttering the most disgusting sexual things about "Tara." I'm Tara. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2014 18:23 - United States

Today, I asked my boss for a raise. I pointed out that due to a technicality, if he hired someone to replace me, he'd have to pay them more anyway. He said he'd gladly pay more for "someone who knows his god-damn place" and made it clear I'll be jobless very soon. FML

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By MissArizona - 8/8/2011 14:12 - United States

Today, my dad shaved his head. This wouldn't be so bad if he didn't expect me to address him as "Captain Picard" 24/7 now. He won't answer me otherwise. FML

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By Jim - 31/7/2019 04:00 - United States

Today, I went to the hospital for wrenching pains in my abdomen. It turns out I have the largest "non removable" kidney stone my doctor has ever seen. It's the size of a fucking walnut. I have to pass the thing. FML

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By mothers - 12/5/2013 17:21 - United States

Today, my daughter posted a beautiful, touching status on my Facebook wall for Mother's Day. It wasn't so touching that she'd just copied and pasted the one I wrote for her grandmother and sent it back to me, unedited. FML

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By ohcrap - 8/11/2012 01:41 - United States

Today, while I was sitting on the toilet, my toddler swung the door open. We just bought the house, and we have no curtains. Our new neighbor, who I haven't met, was mowing her yard. I stood half-naked to close the door, and our eyes met. I froze. She waved. FML

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By ChubbyTubby - 17/1/2010 18:13 - United States

Today, my boyfriend humped me to the tune of the Imperial March from Star Wars. FML

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By f*ck - 2/5/2012 16:22 - United States

Today, I had a date with the girl I've been interested in for months. I'm pretty laid-back and casual with my friends, which backfired and caused the date to end with a slap, when I greeted her with a friendly "S'up, slut?" FML

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By sammyxoxo - 18/12/2011 08:32 - Canada

Today, I stepped into a pile of dog shit on my doorstep, along with a note saying, "Keep your dog out of my yard." I don't own a dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/2/2010 13:33 - United States

Today, I was babysitting. The kid said he had to use the bathroom. When I told him to go ahead, he said he just did. He was on my lap. He wasn't wearing pants. FML

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By M. Moore - 10/6/2019 18:00

Today, my 12-year-old son came home after a week with his father. He was still wearing the same socks and underwear I sent him out with. FML

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By scarletdurose88 - 19/4/2009 21:47 - United States

Today, is my 21st birthday. I get home after my night out and walk into the garage to see a 2002 Red Corvette convertible. I run up to the car thinking its a gift and there's a note: "Dani this is not your birthday present. Quit drooling on my car. -Dad" Thanks Dad. FML

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By Patrick R - 9/6/2011 16:01 - United States

Today, my co-worker finally gave me a check for the money he owes me. In the memo line, he wrote "for swallowing". Now I have to go cash it. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2018 01:30

Today, my manager cussed me out for being unable to keep a customer happy. That "customer" was a senile old twit who had wandered away from his carer, thought our shop was his living room, and demanded to know who replaced all his furniture. FML

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By Noname - 24/2/2009 22:57 - United States

Today, I asked a very cute fireman for his number "just in case I needed him to come to my rescue"... He told me "Yeah sure!" and scribbled it down. After he walked away I read his note: "911". FML

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Top comments

By roaminginsomniac | 0

#678019 - Wednesday 18 November 2009 20:52

Tell his mom he didn't tell you about any break up, but he needs to call you so you can tell him about his STD test. Tell her you wouldn't have sex with him because he has several STD's. That should help him out a Bunch!

By GreenDaemon21 | 0

#678088 - Wednesday 18 November 2009 21:33

UR ALL WRONG!

OP: dun worry about it. Obviously, he broke up with his OTHER GIRLFRIEND and his mom got confused.
ur relationship with him is still safe.
Hope that helps! :)

Comments

By Sannekee | 18

#677918 - Wednesday 18 November 2009 20:04

According to his mom, who broke up?

Maybe you can fix it?

The_Pleb | 0

#678046 - Wednesday 18 November 2009 21:10

Girls are so unamaginitive nowadays....

Make him a damn sammich or sex him up.

Before you know it your both living happily ever after again.

Dont thank me for the advice.

Yours Sincerly

the_pleb

Atamix | 0

#678235 - Wednesday 18 November 2009 23:27

i agree

nazooer | 11

#678745 - Thursday 19 November 2009 4:09

i third that

SlipknotGirll | 0

#679590 - Thursday 19 November 2009 18:27

you really are incredibly boring aren't you.

bonertastic | 0

#681275 - Friday 20 November 2009 21:14

Awkward breakups for the win.

Yee12 | 0

#956370 - Wednesday 17 March 2010 3:45

YDI for eating Chinese food.

tatababe | 0

#2871377 - Tuesday 12 July 2011 3:44

I think OP bf dumped himself

By Zazu7711 | 0

#677924 - Wednesday 18 November 2009 20:05

lol.

By XxSKELETOxX | 0

#677935 - Wednesday 18 November 2009 20:10

YDI for living

LibraLeigh | 4

#1719701 - Thursday 18 November 2010 18:02

You're an ass...

JacksonCampbell | 9

#2396737 - Sunday 24 April 2011 9:55

I applaud you.

By Fleecy | 0

#677968 - Wednesday 18 November 2009 20:33

Oh man that sucks
and #3 that's lame. Really?

It sucks finding out you are breaking up...but to hear it first from his MOM.
Mom-burn. Ouch.

By roaminginsomniac | 0

#678019 - Wednesday 18 November 2009 20:52

By YOMyLifeSuck | 0

#678020 - Wednesday 18 November 2009 20:52

look here: i dont have a boyfriend, and i got the flu too, thats worse, prob not XD

By Hooray4Ponies | 0

#678056 - Wednesday 18 November 2009 21:18

I'm tired of people using "depressed" when they meant "sad" or "down."

trilliamme | 0

#678198 - Wednesday 18 November 2009 23:07

Same here. It's almost as annoying as everyone running around and saying they have OCD because, say, they like their clothes to match.

Tequilamockngbrd | 7

#678319 - Thursday 19 November 2009 0:22

Well, when you look it up, depressed means "low in spirits; sad." Yeah, depression is an illness and shouldn't be taken lightly, but depending on the context, it can just mean sad and that's not a big deal.

Hooray4Ponies | 0

#679560 - Thursday 19 November 2009 17:47

While technically the word does just mean sad, it has a different connotation now. I think teenagers just use it to sound more dramatic, honestly.

By GreenDaemon21 | 0

#678088 - Wednesday 18 November 2009 21:33

UR ALL WRONG!

OP: dun worry about it. Obviously, he broke up with his OTHER GIRLFRIEND and his mom got confused.
ur relationship with him is still safe.
Hope that helps! :)

muichini | 0

#678862 - Thursday 19 November 2009 5:24

you know that makes a lot of sense

By Skull_300 | 0

#678165 - Wednesday 18 November 2009 22:33

He's a Pussy!!! He is spineless and doesn't have the BALLS to speak to you about breaking up in person. Fuck him, you are better off without the wimp...

By perdix | 29

#678167 - Wednesday 18 November 2009 22:34

Then, who's idea was it to break up?

There has to be a dumper and a dumpee. The dumpee has to mope around and be sad, but the dumper gets to gleefully do the "freedom" dance.

Who's doing the "freedom" dance?