Today, I got some really bad mosquito bites on the outside of... - FML

By callie - 18/6/2011 06:08 - United States

Today, I got some really bad mosquito bites on the outside of my thighs. They itched, and my jeans prevented me from scratching them, so I unbuttoned my pants, stuck my down my leg and started scratching. My mom walked in, and won't believe I wasn't masturbating. FML

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Understandable

Family values

Time don't heal nothing

By Anonymous - 6/5/2017 08:00 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I called and went downtown after the city incorrectly issued fines against my property and threatened jail time for violating city ordinances, not paying fines, and not filing permits. They told me that, until fines are paid, they cannot correct a thing even though they got the address wrong. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2011 04:37 - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to give his mother a box of chocolates and flowers for Mother's Day. She just stared at them and said, "What's this for? You're not my daughter, and never will be. But I'll keep the chocolate." FML

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By jag talar - 7/9/2011 00:01 - Canada

Today, I came home to visit my family after a year at college. Expecting to impress them, I proudly informed them that I now speak fluent Swedish. Imagine my surprise when my mother said, "That's a useless language" and everyone agreed. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2019 22:00

Today, after I'd remembered to start writing a list of my PTSD symptoms for my shrink, because I'm extremely forgetful, it finally took me three days to remember to write down forgetfulness. FML

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By Excalibur6669 - 31/12/2015 04:29 - United States - Parlin

Today, my sister is having a New Year's Eve party at our house. I'm not invited. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2012 07:51 - Australia - Perth

Today, I had to call the Australian Passport office to track my passport. Turns out they lost it in the mail. A week ago, I got my dream job as a flight attendant. Without a passport they won't accept me. I lost my dream job before I even started it. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/12/2009 08:10 - United States

Today, I was excited when I saw a missed call. It wasn't my ex-boyfriend finally willing to talk, it was the creepy guy I met on the bus in November who I haven't seen since but has written me poetry. FML

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By GonnaLockUpMySpices - 30/10/2015 01:34 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my roommate broke into my spice cabinet so he could get high off of my nutmeg. FML

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By bigblue51 - 22/5/2009 12:09 - United States

Today, while interviewing for a job I had to read over the physical requirements for the job. Later on she asked me how flexible I was. Trying to keep a straight face, I told her I was more flexible while I was playing sports but could work on it if I need to. She was talking about work hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2019 00:01

Halloween has started early

Today, while walking down the street, I was violently beaten up by a man in a Darth Vader outfit. FML

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By Oily - 16/12/2011 09:08 - New Zealand

Today, my 7-year-old daughter came up to me in a noisy mall and said "boo-boo" pointing to her hand. Not paying enough attention, I kissed her hand to make her feel better. She grimaced and said "No dad, bird poo." FML

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By romance sucks. - 18/12/2013 21:20 - United States - Spencer

Today, my class was interrupted by flowers, balloons and chocolates. Then he sang to me a song he wrote himself. This was all for our one-year anniversary. It probably would have been the best day of my life... if I knew who he was. FML

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By fired tomoz - 29/10/2014 15:46 - South Africa - Pretoria

Today, I woke up to a text from my manager, saying "Hed's up dude, ur gettin fired tomoz. CEO's pissed. No hard feelins m8". Great. FML

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By ledon - 16/11/2011 04:15 - Canada

Today, I kindly asked my crazy roommate to move out. She answered by stuffing raw hamburger meat down all the drains in the apartment. FML

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By mislead - 22/9/2014 16:43 - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, I found out that the neighborhood call-girl my husband and I secretly joke about is the same woman who secretly pleasures my husband for money. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2014 03:19 - United States - Topeka

Today, a guy in my class was talking about himself. He started his story with, "When I was little, I was a ginger." I replied without thinking, "Is that why you got put up for adoption?" Him being adopted was the actual story he wanted to tell. FML

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By espylone - 17/12/2011 15:42 - France

Today, my five-year-old daughter told me she was going to throw up. I told her to rush to the bathroom. I followed her a few seconds later, only to find her sitting on the toilet and vomiting onto the floor. FML

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By Joey - 30/1/2011 17:21 - United States

Today, my little brother discovered that bears can be very territorial and will pee on things to keep others away. He took this new found information to heart and peed on various things in the house that he wanted for himself, including my laptop. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2014 17:59 - United States - Imperial

Today, my fiancé texted me, saying he'd been masturbating to pictures of me. I told him that I couldn't wait to get home and take care of him. He replied, "Nah, don't bother, I got this." Now I'm horny and sad. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/8/2014 00:20 - Canada - Gatineau

Today, my dad was doing FaceTime with a friend. He turned his iPhone towards my sister and said "There's my daughter..." He then turned it to me and said "...and there's my ugly son", then walked away. I'm still not sure if it's a joke or not. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/2/2015 16:06 - Netherlands

Today, my boyfriend of 5 days proposed to me at the mall. FML

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By Why - 24/4/2016 18:59 - United States - Marlborough

Today, my husband cheated on me. In my house. While I was home. FML

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By anonymous - 26/6/2016 20:18 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was sick, so I went into work to see if I could get my shift covered, instead of just calling in. I ended up working an extra hour. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2013 21:28 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, in a fit of jealousy over my recent muscle growth, my brother told our mom that I've only been going to the gym so I could smoke weed with my friends. She believed him and grounded me. FML

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By I get the hint - 18/9/2013 06:19

Today, I found a pamphlet for alcohol counseling on my front door today. I think it was from the guys who pick up my recycling. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/3/2012 02:39 - United States - Fredericksburg

Today, I received my first payment of child support from my estranged husband: $50 and a note that said he wouldn't be paying any more. FML

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By shaviTuT - 7/2/2013 19:44 - Malaysia - Bandar Penggaram

Today, after three weeks of holding out, my stingy boss finally called animal control about the birds in the air vent above the register. While I was working, they rummaged through the vents, causing live maggots to fall down right in front of me. FML

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By apologetic - 9/6/2014 14:27 - United States - Latonia

Today, I got yelled at by a customer while working at a bank call center. He was furious I apologized for a mistake that someone else had made. I again apologized for apologizing. FML

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By socknotes - 9/3/2016 04:02 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, a shifty customer came in to my store and was hanging around for about 30 minutes. Apparently, he took that time to put religiously-motivated anti-abortion notes into each and every pair of socks. In the following hours, I had 17 angry returns and was personally threatened twice. FML

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By TooPoorForPrivateUni - 9/10/2016 16:18 - United Kingdom - Mitcham

Today, I got into my dream university. I also got turned down for the scholarship and the loan that would enable me to actually go. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2019 18:00

Spay and neuter, people!

Today, I took in an old friend’s fat cat for a month until she finds a place to live. Turns out the cat isn’t fat, just pregnant. I found out when I found two of her dead kittens in my living room. FML

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By crazycatlady - 4/2/2017 20:00 - United States - Charlotte

Rescue cat

Today, my cat fell into the toilet, and I had to save him. I now have a soggy cat and scratched arms. FML

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By justwantedtounpack - 29/12/2015 04:55 - United States

Today, my parents threw a hissy fit calling me ungrateful and disrespectful for wanting to do laundry and clean at home, instead of going out to their friends' house for dinner. They also disconnected the Internet to punish me when they left. I'm 20 and visiting home on a college break. FML

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By bbbbb - 14/10/2012 05:29 - United States - Woodbridge

Today, I slipped on a crayon a little girl threw on the floor, causing me to drop the tray of water I was carrying, making me spill it all over her. After getting cussed out by her mom, I was fired for making a customer unhappy. FML

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By chelseaface - 21/1/2011 15:13 - United States

Today, I braved the winter weather conditions to get to a clinic for a prescription anti-diarrhea medication. When I arrived to find it closed, I turned around to walk to my car where I slipped on the ice. The impact made me simultaneously bruise my elbow and shit myself. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/8/2013 16:12 - United States - Modesto

Today, my boyfriend's freshly-repainted car got keyed. He's literally more of an inconsolable wreck now than he was when his own mother passed away last year. When I tried hinting that he was overreacting, he told me to go to hell. FML

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By meeeee! - 2/3/2015 13:26 - United States - Wilmington

Today, I fell out of a window while trying to close it so no one would fall out. FML

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By aliqi - 12/5/2012 20:48 - United States

Today, I noticed a little white ball in the corner of my bedroom ceiling. I guess it had been there for a while already, but the teeming mass of baby spiders crawling out made it a lot more conspicuous. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2012 19:10 - United States

Today, my girlfriend started a month-long period of not talking to me. One of her male friends, who is a self-styled astrologist, told her there are "bad omens" in our relationship for the coming weeks. I don't know if I should dump her for being gullible or just plain stupid. FML

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By DogStew - 25/9/2019 00:01

Objects in the rear-view mirror

Today, my obsession with my mean ex-girlfriend returned. It ended 9 years ago. It happened when I started researching self-help. Now, I can’t stop thinking about that selfish piece of shit. FML

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Top comments

By BShady96 | 0

#2708207 - Saturday 18 June 2011 12:12

well it does count as selfpleasuring...

By missfml1105 | 0

#2708234 - Saturday 18 June 2011 12:22

ok but if it was your outer thigh she should have realized that your handwasnt in your crotch...

Comments

By BShady96 | 0

#2708207 - Saturday 18 June 2011 12:12

well it does count as selfpleasuring...

Reply

Jacobt24 | 19

#2708292 - Saturday 18 June 2011 12:32

At least she wasnt holding an electric toothbrush

Reply

6joe9 | 0

#2708350 - Saturday 18 June 2011 12:55

mmm dont lie OP !!!

Reply

systemofadown11 | 8

#2708485 - Saturday 18 June 2011 14:07

Lmao!

Reply

EagorLuvsBigFoot | 8

#2708532 - Saturday 18 June 2011 14:30

yes yes it does

Reply

muhaidib | 2

#2708564 - Saturday 18 June 2011 14:39

is the OP a boy or a girl?

Reply

rawrlily | 0

#2708585 - Saturday 18 June 2011 14:44

38- girl
Well, that situation bites. I can't think of anything that would suck more.

Reply

humorizer | 14

#2708751 - Saturday 18 June 2011 15:39

@38:

You can have a future career as a pokemon professor. You'll probably also forget your grandson's name.

Hint: HIs name is Dicks.

Reply

hahafylop | 4

#2708755 - Saturday 18 June 2011 15:40

39 I do not appreciate your double pun.

Reply

austinkiser | 3

#2709274 - Saturday 18 June 2011 17:16

op thats where u show ur bites to her unless u have nothing to show

Reply

blackberry90210 | 0

#2709369 - Saturday 18 June 2011 17:31

she probably found it awkward talking to you with an erection.

Reply

kellanlvr | 1

#2710416 - Saturday 18 June 2011 19:45

I kept reading "so I had my mom stick her hand down my pants" but after like the 6th time I read it right >.

Reply

Jacobt24 | 19

#2710850 - Saturday 18 June 2011 20:22

63 - OP is a girl. The username says "callie."

Reply

BagleHead | 6

#2711334 - Saturday 18 June 2011 21:32

69- wow, your stupid.

Reply

BB_ava | 0

#2712177 - Sunday 19 June 2011 0:41

74, wow, *you're stupid too.

Reply

EvilPotato | 14

#2712428 - Sunday 19 June 2011 1:29

38 oh ya double pun, get down people, get down!!

Reply

aavatar10 | 0

#2713024 - Sunday 19 June 2011 3:09

Should have told her you were masterbating, thus enabling an awkward, yet, sarcastic moment.

Reply

InvaderAmi | 4

#2713126 - Sunday 19 June 2011 3:39

ROFL. That woulda been so awkward... xD

Reply

BagleHead | 6

#2714173 - Sunday 19 June 2011 7:43

79, *Wow, we're all stupit'!

Reply

savy7093 | 9

#2715337 - Sunday 19 June 2011 12:19

48 - win.

By YurTriniFantasy | 1

#2708210 - Saturday 18 June 2011 12:14

ummm take off the pants and switch to shorts? sorry OP i know how you feel *scratches leg*

Reply

ImaWiseGuy | 5

#2708391 - Saturday 18 June 2011 13:17

tell her you have crabs and it's far to itchy to masturbate, perhaps that's more believable then mosquito bitten thighs.....

Reply

Laughing_Cow | 0

#2709051 - Saturday 18 June 2011 16:37

wear short shorts

Reply

wikkedphuka | 0

#2735477 - Wednesday 22 June 2011 9:13

yes crabs excuse always works! *looks around* not that iv used it.... juz sayin??? lol

By EvilPotato | 14

#2708220 - Saturday 18 June 2011 12:17

you may as well take your shirt off too then.

Reply

CrazyEminemFan | 2

#2720632 - Monday 20 June 2011 5:43

i honestly love your picture

By CaramelRainbows | 2

#2708226 - Saturday 18 June 2011 12:19

You should walk in on your mom masturbating and insist that she was using your toothbrush.

Reply

Iamnotmyself | 17

#2708587 - Saturday 18 June 2011 14:45

Screw the toothbrush, bring a camera! Perfect blackmail and then she never has to speak about this to long distance family!

By missfml1105 | 0

#2708234 - Saturday 18 June 2011 12:22

ok but if it was your outer thigh she should have realized that your handwasnt in your crotch...

Reply

sovietkiwi | 0

#2709194 - Saturday 18 June 2011 16:58

ikr

Reply

IscoreOnU | 19

#2710346 - Saturday 18 June 2011 19:27

I believe it would be extremely hard to do in jeans. She's dumb.

Reply

betty66 | 3

#2712258 - Sunday 19 June 2011 0:57

ha ha yeah, since when is your vagina on your outer thigh?

Reply

mcxhunni | 0

#2712269 - Sunday 19 June 2011 1:01

thats what im thinking!

Reply

KRS_13 | 0

#3527400 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 0:25

Maybe her mom just glanced at her and thought that.... Or she has her vagina on her outer thigh...

By smellymellyy | 7

#2708242 - Saturday 18 June 2011 12:23

Hahaha! That is hilarious :'D

Reply

llCHR15ll | 0

#2710213 - Saturday 18 June 2011 18:50

your face is hilarious!!!!!

By jackiemoonthepro | 5

#2708245 - Saturday 18 June 2011 12:23

tell her you were rubbing your bites from last night

By Naaboo | 0

#2708247 - Saturday 18 June 2011 12:24

Dirty Boy (; lol.

Reply

huntermc7 | 0

#2709252 - Saturday 18 June 2011 17:11

It's a girl...

Reply

Naaboo | 0

#2724104 - Monday 20 June 2011 19:01

Whatever..

By somewizdom | 15

#2708256 - Saturday 18 June 2011 12:26

The moans of pleasure you were making made it hard to believe you.

Reply

OhzTP | 7

#2708643 - Saturday 18 June 2011 15:01

it's also awkward when you have the bottle of lotion beside you

By techweed | 12

#2708267 - Saturday 18 June 2011 12:28

Tell her: if I want to masturbate I will wether you like it or not, bitch