Today, I got some really bad mosquito bites on the outside of... - FML

By callie - 18/6/2011 06:08 - United States

Today, I got some really bad mosquito bites on the outside of my thighs. They itched, and my jeans prevented me from scratching them, so I unbuttoned my pants, stuck my down my leg and started scratching. My mom walked in, and won't believe I wasn't masturbating. FML

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Serious times

That'll be Kevin in accounting

Ungrateful

By Anonymous - 2/5/2018 01:30

ur mom gay

Today, I pretended to be asleep when my mom and her best friend came home because I was tired as hell and I didn't want to be around them. I was then treated to a loud conversation about my mom's first time with a woman through our paper-thin walls. FML

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By indi1011 - 20/4/2009 12:21 - Australia

Today, I was giving a presentation to a group of high school kids about how being 'cool' wasn't as important as they might think. When I was done I asked for questions. A kid says, "Miss, I get that you're not into being cool, but you're wearing your pants inside out.' He was right. FML

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By Nell - 30/6/2011 21:10 - United States

Today, as I was going to bed, I spotted a man staring at my window from a neighbor's yard. Ten minutes later, he was still there. I freaked out, started crying, and contemplated calling the cops. My creeper turned out to be the neighbor's wooden lawn ornament. FML

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By doggone - 14/7/2009 08:55 - United States

Today, I went to a pet store to adopt a dog. I got a medium sized lab, a dog crate, and a few toys, then put his crate in the back of my truck and the dog in his crate. On the way home I realized I forgot dog bowls and some dog food. I went back, and when I got back out to my truck, my dog was gone. My stereo too. FML

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By n77 - 23/4/2011 02:17 - Switzerland

Today, at work, a customer went to try on a pair of pants. A few minutes later, she hurriedly returned and put the pants back on the shelf without saying anything. I later found out she'd come down with a bout of diarrhea and apparently didn't want to pay for the dry-cleaning. Glamorous. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2015 09:44 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I leaned over my sleeping girlfriend, kissed her cheek and told her I love her. She punched me in the ear. FML

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By Cup_of___ - 26/11/2009 16:23 - United States

Today, I walked into a liquor store and thought about inquiring for a job application. After seeing the cashier, I thought about inquiring if she was single. After accidentally breaking three bottles of liquor, I didn't do either. I left the store, still single and unemployed. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/11/2013 21:32 - Cyprus - Nicosia

Today, I played a friendly prank on my dad, loosening the legs of his chair so it would fall apart when he sat on it. He responded by making me stand outside and watch as he keyed both sides of my car, front to back, as punishment. FML

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By awk1 - 18/6/2013 00:55 - United States - Glennville

Today, I was packing up my stuff about to go home. I shut off my MacBook but was still pretending to work for the last few minutes, typing on the keyboard. A good way through, I realized my co-worker sitting across from me could see that the Apple logo was off. FML

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By poisonivyandbigfoot - 19/9/2017 16:00

Today, I was playing a game on my boyfriend's phone when he got a text from a girl saying, "last night was so fun." When I asked him about it, he panicked and said, "we were hunting Bigfoot." FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2016 13:38 - United States

Today, the coach bus I was riding almost crashed. I was using the restroom at the time. The bus braked so hard, I peed all over the wall and splashed my shirt. Nobody wanted to sit anywhere near me after that. FML

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By dukemisery - 5/11/2016 08:53 - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, while sitting down on the dentist's chair, the tooth to be removed came out on its own. I still had to pay $50 for the cotton and advice. FML

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By catherine - 17/6/2011 11:32 - United Kingdom

Today, I dropped my camera into water. The good news is that it's waterproof. The bad news is I dropped it off London Bridge. All the pictures and videos of my four-month trip around Europe were on it. FML

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By Staying Home Today - 4/3/2014 12:25 - United States - Severn

Today, my driver's-side door was so frozen that the locking mechanism wouldn't move. My passenger-side door's lock worked, but the door itself wouldn't budge. The door handle on the other hand, budged quite well. It budged right off its hinges. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2010 14:59 - Australia

Today, I got my posting orders for the Air Force. After spending four years training and studying to become an aerospace engineer, I am getting sent to the only base without aircraft. FML

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By fckdorms - 9/5/2016 14:04 - United States - Columbia

Today, like every other day, my roommate's alarm began to go off at 7:30am. What time does she have to wake up? 10:00am. Why does she have her alarm go off for two and a half hours? Because last semester she needed it to go off then and she is too lazy to change it. FML

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By shiney100893 - 14/1/2013 12:56 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I was at a party with my crush. The collar on his shirt was sticking up so I fixed it for him. He gave me a hug and said, "Aww you're so good to me. You're like my mother. You can be my college mother." I got mother-zoned. FML

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By HappyGirl - 28/10/2008 15:57 - France

Today, my little brother, who is 11, explained to me how babies are made. I’m 15. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/7/2018 01:30

Today, I was woken up by an overly sappy good morning text from my boyfriend, complete with kissy-face images. Before I could text him back, he sent a follow-up. "Oops. Wrong person." Wait, what? FML

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By hot coffee - 12/7/2012 15:17 - United Kingdom - Farnham

Today, I discovered I'd left my coffee on top of my car when it fell through the sun roof whilst I was driving, showering me. FML

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By crunch time - 1/1/2018 19:30 - United States - Jacksonville

Nice.

Today, while working out at the gym, I paused to check out a beautiful woman. The guy behind me said "Are you going to do your set or are you going to keep staring at my wife?" FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2011 17:26 - United States

Today, I was brutally run over by a man in a wheelchair. FML

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By Wounded_irony - 5/12/2017 05:00

Today, I was wearing flip flops whilst putting out the trash, and was careful not to step near the broken glass surrounding the trash cans. My mother ran up to me hysterically warning me about the glass, which startled me and caused me to step on a shard, slicing my foot open. FML

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By Whoopsie - 22/2/2012 15:53 - United States

Today, I was sitting on the bus and as I'm quite short my legs were dangling. Some guy, who wasn't looking where he was going, tripped over my foot and went flying. He and everyone else on the bus glared at me like it was deliberate. The man next to me even changed seats in disgust. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2016 11:03 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. It was all going great until he decided to try talking dirty. His idea of this was moaning loudly, "Just what the pussy ordered" as he entered me. FML

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By Shadowfigure23 - 10/7/2009 22:28 - United States

Today, I spent most of my morning comforting the guy I love because his fiancée dumped him for some other guy. He continuously told me I had no clue that kind of pain he was in. He dumped me three years ago for the girl that just left him. FML

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By slightlyslow - 2/7/2009 20:33 - United States

Today, while watching The Many Adventures of Winnie-the-Pooh with my 5 year old, I realized why the kangaroo's name is Kanga, and why her son's name is Roo. Kanga-Roo. Get it? Yeah. I didn't until today. I'm 47. FML

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By annonymous - 7/9/2015 20:56 - United States

Today, while at a neighborhood party, my drunk mother told all our neighbors, including a girl I like, about my struggles with a micropenis. FML

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By j - 4/6/2009 03:36 - Australia

Today, I rode my bike to the grocery store. I left my bike on the small bike rack they have outside the door. When I came out 5 minutes later I found someone had tied their enormous, growling German Shepard to the same rack. I had to wait for the owner to come out who then laughed at me. FML

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By Ilostsomuch - 4/1/2012 18:30 - United States

Today, I came home to find that my mother had sold all my valuable collector coins for cheap at a local shady pawn shop to buy herself a TV. The coins in question were worth enough to start a business. FML

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By fuck wannabe knowitalls - 3/6/2013 23:13 - United States

Today, I received a death threat from some nutball accusing me of being part of some big government conspiracy called "Haarp." According to this psycho, I'm responsible for causing the recent tornadoes in Oklahoma. I'm just a small-time weatherman. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2009 06:47 - United States

Today, I was drinking in the park with my friends. Being drunk, I relieved myself on a nearby tree. Unknown to me, a 4 year old was having her birthday party 100 yards away. I was arrested for public intoxication and exposing myself to a minor. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/6/2013 07:31 - United States - Piedmont

Today, my girlfriend told me that she feels pregnant. I didn't believe her, given how recently we had sex for the first time, so I told her to take a test to make sure. She's very sure now. FML

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By Sergie - 4/6/2010 09:28 - Ireland

Today, I was getting ready for my first day at work. Right before leaving the house I decided to brush my teeth thoroughly one more time to have a fresh breath. While cleaning my tongue I went too far which made me throw up. I was 20 min late for my work. Good start. FML

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By stinkypants - 10/11/2011 03:15 - India

Today, I went to a dinner party. I had a bad stomach, so I made a dash to the bathroom and forgot to lock the door. While I was in, I heard some voices outside. In a panic, my reflex was to get up and lock the door. I did so, while simultaneously shitting all over myself. FML

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By sadguy - 18/2/2009 22:07 - United States

Today, I was having sex with a girl I really like for the first time. After a while I told her I was about to come. Her response: "Lucky you." FML

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By fml - 13/1/2020 07:00 - United States - Huntsville

Really!

Today, after receiving our marriage certificate, I told my wife about it. She responded with "fml". FML

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By itwasmyfavoriteshirt - 16/8/2012 19:28 - United States - Bentonville

Today, my aunt borrowed my favorite shirt. Don't worry, she returned it. Complete with jizz stains. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/3/2009 20:46 - United States

Today, my boss came back from a 2 week vacation. I was the only one covering for him, and I did an excellent job. It was my chance to get a promotion. I actually improved his sales while he was gone. But the only thing he noticed was that I killed his plant. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/5/2019 11:47

Today, I found out that my new roommate is dating my ex-boyfriend. FML

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Top comments

By BShady96 | 0

#2708207 - Saturday 18 June 2011 12:12

well it does count as selfpleasuring...

By missfml1105 | 0

#2708234 - Saturday 18 June 2011 12:22

ok but if it was your outer thigh she should have realized that your handwasnt in your crotch...

COMMENTS

By BShady96 | 0

#2708207 - Saturday 18 June 2011 12:12

well it does count as selfpleasuring...

Reply

Jacobt24 | 19

#2708292 - Saturday 18 June 2011 12:32

At least she wasnt holding an electric toothbrush

Reply

6joe9 | 0

#2708350 - Saturday 18 June 2011 12:55

mmm dont lie OP !!!

Reply

systemofadown11 | 8

#2708485 - Saturday 18 June 2011 14:07

Lmao!

Reply

EagorLuvsBigFoot | 8

#2708532 - Saturday 18 June 2011 14:30

yes yes it does

Reply

muhaidib | 2

#2708564 - Saturday 18 June 2011 14:39

is the OP a boy or a girl?

Reply

rawrlily | 0

#2708585 - Saturday 18 June 2011 14:44

38- girl
Well, that situation bites. I can't think of anything that would suck more.

Reply

humorizer | 14

#2708751 - Saturday 18 June 2011 15:39

@38:

You can have a future career as a pokemon professor. You'll probably also forget your grandson's name.

Hint: HIs name is Dicks.

Reply

hahafylop | 4

#2708755 - Saturday 18 June 2011 15:40

39 I do not appreciate your double pun.

Reply

austinkiser | 3

#2709274 - Saturday 18 June 2011 17:16

op thats where u show ur bites to her unless u have nothing to show

Reply

blackberry90210 | 0

#2709369 - Saturday 18 June 2011 17:31

she probably found it awkward talking to you with an erection.

Reply

kellanlvr | 1

#2710416 - Saturday 18 June 2011 19:45

I kept reading "so I had my mom stick her hand down my pants" but after like the 6th time I read it right >.

Reply

Jacobt24 | 19

#2710850 - Saturday 18 June 2011 20:22

63 - OP is a girl. The username says "callie."

Reply

BagleHead | 6

#2711334 - Saturday 18 June 2011 21:32

69- wow, your stupid.

Reply

BB_ava | 0

#2712177 - Sunday 19 June 2011 0:41

74, wow, *you're stupid too.

Reply

EvilPotato | 14

#2712428 - Sunday 19 June 2011 1:29

38 oh ya double pun, get down people, get down!!

Reply

aavatar10 | 0

#2713024 - Sunday 19 June 2011 3:09

Should have told her you were masterbating, thus enabling an awkward, yet, sarcastic moment.

Reply

InvaderAmi | 4

#2713126 - Sunday 19 June 2011 3:39

ROFL. That woulda been so awkward... xD

Reply

BagleHead | 6

#2714173 - Sunday 19 June 2011 7:43

79, *Wow, we're all stupit'!

Reply

savy7093 | 9

#2715337 - Sunday 19 June 2011 12:19

48 - win.

By YurTriniFantasy | 1

#2708210 - Saturday 18 June 2011 12:14

ummm take off the pants and switch to shorts? sorry OP i know how you feel *scratches leg*

Reply

ImaWiseGuy | 5

#2708391 - Saturday 18 June 2011 13:17

tell her you have crabs and it's far to itchy to masturbate, perhaps that's more believable then mosquito bitten thighs.....

Reply

Laughing_Cow | 0

#2709051 - Saturday 18 June 2011 16:37

wear short shorts

Reply

wikkedphuka | 0

#2735477 - Wednesday 22 June 2011 9:13

yes crabs excuse always works! *looks around* not that iv used it.... juz sayin??? lol

By EvilPotato | 14

#2708220 - Saturday 18 June 2011 12:17

you may as well take your shirt off too then.

Reply

CrazyEminemFan | 2

#2720632 - Monday 20 June 2011 5:43

i honestly love your picture

By CaramelRainbows | 2

#2708226 - Saturday 18 June 2011 12:19

You should walk in on your mom masturbating and insist that she was using your toothbrush.

Reply

Iamnotmyself | 17

#2708587 - Saturday 18 June 2011 14:45

Screw the toothbrush, bring a camera! Perfect blackmail and then she never has to speak about this to long distance family!

By missfml1105 | 0

#2708234 - Saturday 18 June 2011 12:22

ok but if it was your outer thigh she should have realized that your handwasnt in your crotch...

Reply

sovietkiwi | 0

#2709194 - Saturday 18 June 2011 16:58

ikr

Reply

IscoreOnU | 19

#2710346 - Saturday 18 June 2011 19:27

I believe it would be extremely hard to do in jeans. She's dumb.

Reply

betty66 | 3

#2712258 - Sunday 19 June 2011 0:57

ha ha yeah, since when is your vagina on your outer thigh?

Reply

mcxhunni | 0

#2712269 - Sunday 19 June 2011 1:01

thats what im thinking!

Reply

KRS_13 | 0

#3527400 - Wednesday 2 November 2011 0:25

Maybe her mom just glanced at her and thought that.... Or she has her vagina on her outer thigh...

By smellymellyy | 7

#2708242 - Saturday 18 June 2011 12:23

Hahaha! That is hilarious :'D

Reply

llCHR15ll | 0

#2710213 - Saturday 18 June 2011 18:50

your face is hilarious!!!!!

By jackiemoonthepro | 5

#2708245 - Saturday 18 June 2011 12:23

tell her you were rubbing your bites from last night

By Naaboo | 0

#2708247 - Saturday 18 June 2011 12:24

Dirty Boy (; lol.

Reply

huntermc7 | 0

#2709252 - Saturday 18 June 2011 17:11

It's a girl...

Reply

Naaboo | 0

#2724104 - Monday 20 June 2011 19:01

Whatever..

By somewizdom | 15

#2708256 - Saturday 18 June 2011 12:26

The moans of pleasure you were making made it hard to believe you.

Reply

OhzTP | 7

#2708643 - Saturday 18 June 2011 15:01

it's also awkward when you have the bottle of lotion beside you

By techweed | 12

#2708267 - Saturday 18 June 2011 12:28

Tell her: if I want to masturbate I will wether you like it or not, bitch