Today, I got out of bed, soaked up the beautiful sunlight, and... - FML

By eyegouger15 - 13/11/2015 16:32 - United States

Today, I got out of bed, soaked up the beautiful sunlight, and went to the kitchen to make some coffee. I saw my dad rummaging through the fridge, shirtless and one ball poking through his underwear. I needed to see that about as much as I need ass cancer. FML

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The best cat

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Vultures

By - 4/9/2019 14:00 - New Zealand

Asshat

Today, my hours at work were slashed due to company wide cut backs. The only coworker unaffected was the asshat who stole my promotion after I'd trained them. FML

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By omgstuupidd - 17/2/2013 14:27 - United States - Brewster

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to take a jog in an area we never been before. We then got lost. She actually thought that the tattoo on her arm of an open compass with north, east, south, and west would help us. FML

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By ? - 29/11/2009 07:59 - United States

Today, while I was in confession, I was saying my sins and the priest called me a "pain in the ass." FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2015 09:57 - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, I got a call from my roommate's mother, asking me to hide her flip flops so she couldn't wear them out in sub-zero temperatures. FML

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By Kev - 19/2/2009 23:42 - Canada

Today, I walked home from work when a woman asked me to come inside for a free meal. It was at a homeless shelter. FML

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By Payt - 19/11/2018 22:00

Today, the guy I have been seeing for 3 months said, "Sorry this isn’t going anywhere, but I want to stay friends because I wanna come back and hang out with your parents." He literally only stayed with me because I live on a farm. FML

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By Idontdance - 23/8/2009 05:25 - United States

Today, I was at a friend's party. All of the sudden, my friend goes, "Ok girls, get a guy to dance with." Then everyone scrambled to find someone. There was just enough guy-girl pairs. This hot girl and I were the only two left. She looked at me and said, "Umm, I have to use the bathroom." FML

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By sadsadboy - 7/9/2015 21:20 - Peru

Today, I went to a bar which has two stories. I was on the top floor and then went downstairs. As I was going down, I recognised a boy in a wheelchair and his friends trying to get him up. I helped and took the wheelchair. One of his friends decided it would be a good moment to steal my wallet. FML

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By kdehshaden - 30/4/2012 08:25 - United States

Today, after a lot of begging, I finally convinced my husband to shave all of his pubes off. Now I can't even look at it without laughing, and he's mad at me for making him do it. FML

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By Ouch - 22/5/2009 15:16 - United States

Today, as I was closing my car door, I realized I had left the keys in the ignition. Not wanting to lock myself out, I reached to stop the door from closing. Not only did I scream when the door slammed on my hand, but in my furious pain, I leaned on the door, locking my keys inside. FML

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By yeahhhhhommmie - 18/9/2011 09:20 - United States

Today, I was at Wal-Mart walking around when I slipped on some water and twisted my ankle. As I was getting up, a man comes up to me and said "There's some water on the floor, watch out." FML

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By lucy - 3/3/2009 05:55 - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me what I enjoyed most about the weekend we'd spent together. I mention in detail a certain move he had pulled when we made love. When asked what he enjoyed most, he replies "putting my fish tank together". FML

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By teapotrevolt - 2/3/2015 20:40 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, while laughing at a jogger that fell down while running, I choked on my French fries. They had to give me the Heimlich maneuver. FML

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By AnnoyedandAutistic - 1/6/2017 02:00

Today, my boyfriend and I were eating breakfast at my strict Christian grandparent's house when he said that it was impossible for anyone bigger than a grapefruit to be swallowed by a whale. My grandmother asked him, "What about Jonah?" to which he replied "Oh, that's just a myth." FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2017 00:00

Today, I learned that the college I'm going to in the fall has been tampering with their ratings on the internet and actually only has a 5% graduation rate. Everything's already been paid for and I can't transfer elsewhere. FML

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By :( - 2/3/2010 00:14 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to explain to my 14-year-old sister why one must not wear the same pair of knickers for a week. FML

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By mr_loveless - 11/2/2013 07:19 - United States

Today, I got married on Skyrim. To an elf. While in real life, my love life is floundering like a half-dead carp in the surf on a hot day. So much so in fact that I actually draw a measure of comfort from being married to an elf. FML

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By cantgetup - 3/4/2011 04:10 - Canada

Today, I discovered that my girlfriend can only orgasm when we have sex to gospel music. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2012 00:49 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, the girl I went on an awkward date with two weeks ago showed up at university and started smashing my car with a bat. She then broke down in tears and alternated between declaring her love, and cussing me out for "cheating" on her. FML

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By damgoose - 15/6/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, while I was working in the liquor store, I was trying to impress my hot boss by lifting three cases of Grey goose. Turns out I can't, and I'll be working for the next two months of the rest of my summer paying it all back. FML

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By Brittany - 23/12/2012 02:33 - United States

Today, a guy professed his love for me in front of my friends. The guy is my first cousin. FML

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By StellaSanguina - 9/10/2009 03:17 - United States

Today, a buttmunch customer brought in $7 worth of pennies I had to count and roll. As I was putting them in the deposite box at the end of my shift, I fumbled and dropped the rolls. All but one broke, spilling their contents on the floor. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2019 14:00

Today, after many, many years of desperate bodily insecurity and therapy, I woke up next to the man of my dreams, who told me the sex was wonderful. Apparently, gin plays wonders with my memory. I don't remember a thing. And that was my first time. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2011 18:07 - United States

Today, while at the laundry mat, an old man kept putting extra quarters in my dryer. I didn't realize until a while later what he'd done, just so he could keep watching me bend over to see how much time was left. FML

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By volleyballgirl - 28/2/2010 01:11 - United States

Today, at my volleyball tournament I was extremely pumped to start playing so I went to take my sweats off and everybody began to stare at me then I looked down to come to realize I had no spandex on, just a thong. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/1/2010 16:09 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, and after 10 seconds he gave up and said "This is more tiring than I expected". FML

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By - 29/2/2020 05:00

Bad encounter

Today, while finishing shopping with my kids, my female best friend and I were accosted by a called street preacher. He screamed that we were an abomination, having biracial children was a sin against nature and we were ruining America. Not only we are not gay and he made my kids cry. FML

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By anne - 17/6/2017 22:00

Today, I happily told my husband I'm pregnant. He happily informed me that very, VERY large babies run in his family, and even though he was born 3 weeks early, he still weighed 15 lbs. The smallest baby to ever be born into his family was his great grandmother, who was 12 lbs. OH GOD, THE PAIN. FML

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By lonely - 12/4/2010 00:27 - United States

Today, the Jehovah's Witnesses were at my door. Normally I don't give them the time of day, but I was so lonely for company, I let them in. FML

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By Julia - 4/10/2011 03:22 - United States

Today, I was denied a waitressing job at a local diner I have been going to for years. Due to the fact that my name is Julia. They already have a waitress there named Julie. Apparently, I would "create too much confusion." FML

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By montextes - 25/7/2011 16:12 - United States

Today, my mom finally learned how to text. Now it's her way of communicating, even when we're in the same room. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2013 07:53 - United States - Carbondale

Today, I was complimented by a stranger, who said I looked great in my outfit. I thanked her, and she immediately gave me a fist-bump. I stared curiously, and she explained: she was arguing with her friends about whether I'm a man or a woman. The pitch of my voice was the answer. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2013 07:04 - United States

Today, I found out my grandma wears dentures when I had to fish them out of a cooler. She lost them bobbing for beer at a local bar. FML

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By althornton2462 - 12/10/2015 00:27 - United States - Hudson

Today, I messaged the guy I've been seeing for 4 months, referring to him as my boyfriend. His response? "I didn't realize you had a boyfriend." FML

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By Anonymous - 23/1/2015 06:33 - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, my boyfriend uploaded a pic to snapchat that said "the love of my life." It was a pic of our beautiful baby girl. Then he uploaded another pic that said "the 2nd love of my life." It was a pic of the fuel truck he drives for work. FML

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By Anon - 7/5/2011 06:08 - United Kingdom

Today, having turned 18, I was eager to show my mother some of the clothes I'd like to purchase with my birthday money. I flipped my laptop open only to realise I had left a "Big Latina Booty gets a fat one" window open. Her howling screams of pleasure echoed through my kitchen. FML

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By the dead never die - 9/7/2019 22:00

Today, after over a dozen separate blood tests, my doctor told me conclusively that my results are perfectly normal for a middle-aged woman in the early stages of pregnancy. Problem is, I’m a 24-year-old guy, so my doctor is very concerned. FML

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By anonymous - 13/4/2020 02:00

Keep fit!

Today, my girlfriend and I were on the phone. She heard I was out of breath and asked me, "Are you okay?" I didn't have the heart to tell her that she'd caught me masturbating, and I'm so out of shape it sounded like I'd ran a marathon. FML

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By wheezy - 6/9/2011 02:52 - United States

Today, I had to go to the hospital to get a harmonica removed from my mouth. FML

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By oddbrien - 13/12/2016 03:34 - United States - Baltimore

Today, while at the club, I started dancing with a girl who I had noticed throughout the night. When she turned around she firmly stated, "I'd much rather dance by myself". FML

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Top comments

By worldclassrager | 39

#6461177 - Saturday 14 November 2015 9:01

Go back into your room and stare into the sun...that will make you blind so this doesn't happen again

By Exobadger | 15

#6461168 - Saturday 14 November 2015 8:54

Be optimistic... it could have been 2 balls..or a dick.

Comments

By Exobadger | 15

#6461168 - Saturday 14 November 2015 8:54

Be optimistic... it could have been 2 balls..or a dick.

Reply

pikmin5764 | 18

#6461179 - Saturday 14 November 2015 9:02

Or 3 balls could be worse but I hope you forget soon OP

Reply

spacefish966 | 18

#6461219 - Saturday 14 November 2015 10:14

tickle, tickle......

Reply

ellabellaboom | 24

#6461263 - Saturday 14 November 2015 11:38

Could have been two balls AND a dick.

Reply

jtfrisch | 22

#6461900 - Sunday 15 November 2015 13:44

OP YOU USED TO LIVE IN THAT

By PrideOfTheFallen | 19

#6461174 - Saturday 14 November 2015 8:58

Keep eating processed meat you'll get that ass cancer too

Reply

meli1195 | 31

#6461188 - Saturday 14 November 2015 9:21

but bacon is so delicious

Reply

MrSassypants | 32

#6461426 - Saturday 14 November 2015 17:02

It's a catch 22. You eat the bacon, you get ass cancer. You don't eat the bacon, then you don't eat the bacon. It's a sad world indeed.

Reply

jawarston | 24

#6461774 - Sunday 15 November 2015 6:33

where it say he was eating processed meat?

Reply

Colon_Man | 17

#6462044 - Sunday 15 November 2015 18:25

Don't make lite of ass cancer... or meats.

By worldclassrager | 39

#6461177 - Saturday 14 November 2015 9:01

Go back into your room and stare into the sun...that will make you blind so this doesn't happen again

Reply

venomousflower | 24

#6461347 - Saturday 14 November 2015 15:06

But he will always have a the memory engraved in his brain

Reply

worldclassrager | 39

#6461432 - Saturday 14 November 2015 17:14

Think happy thoughts

Reply

anythingrandom | 23

#6461513 - Saturday 14 November 2015 19:51

what has been seen, has been seen.

Reply

czarinaluv | 9

#6462274 - Monday 16 November 2015 0:52

that was perfect.

Reply

imStoneCold | 7

#6463472 - Tuesday 17 November 2015 8:33

Then that will be his last memory of vision. Haunting him for the rest of his life.

By mjmaher81 | 5

#6461190 - Saturday 14 November 2015 9:26

It's stuff like that that you don't forget.
Eh, you've both got them, though. You've spent enough time with yours, I'm sure.

By EyRaB | 17

#6461192 - Saturday 14 November 2015 9:27

*passes you the brain bleach*

By lexred | 30

#6461194 - Saturday 14 November 2015 9:36

y r u bothered abt ur dads balls?

Reply

countryb_cth | 38

#6461271 - Saturday 14 November 2015 11:45

I'm more bothered with your awful spelling.

Reply

Dick_diamond | 22

#6461293 - Saturday 14 November 2015 13:05

Why aren't you?

Reply

lexred | 30

#6461431 - Saturday 14 November 2015 17:12

y what's wrong with the spelling?

Reply

CamBen42 | 29

#6461622 - Sunday 15 November 2015 0:27

Everything.

Reply

worldclassrager | 39

#6463677 - Tuesday 17 November 2015 17:25

This is FML not texting...even though FML is an lingo...

By iwanttogotoparis | 26

#6461201 - Saturday 14 November 2015 9:42

Some parents need to learn boundaries

Reply

jawarston | 24

#6461775 - Sunday 15 November 2015 6:34

it's his dad's house.

Reply

ncparry | 18

#6461978 - Sunday 15 November 2015 16:46

Um yeah, parent's house, I do believe they can do what they want.

By allykaymorris | 24

#6461203 - Saturday 14 November 2015 9:51

At least it was only one ball... :/

Reply

sstahpp | 33

#6461824 - Sunday 15 November 2015 8:38

Still no bright side :/

By infinitemonkey | 21

#6461206 - Saturday 14 November 2015 9:54

You are a delicate flower.

Reply

Colon_Man | 17

#6462046 - Sunday 15 November 2015 18:27

Not anymore.

By zarrganaut | 17

#6461211 - Saturday 14 November 2015 10:00

Hey, not everyone can be glamorous when they wake up in the morning. :p