Today, I got out of bed, soaked up the beautiful sunlight, and... - FML

By eyegouger15 - 13/11/2015 16:32 - United States

Today, I got out of bed, soaked up the beautiful sunlight, and went to the kitchen to make some coffee. I saw my dad rummaging through the fridge, shirtless and one ball poking through his underwear. I needed to see that about as much as I need ass cancer. FML

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Family values

Out of it

Trust

By margretlle - 26/4/2009 04:07 - United States

Today, I was walking in the kitchen with my parrot on my shoulder and my dog running around. Something freaked out my bird and she bit my ear and started flapping her wings in my face. Surprised, I took a step back, tripped over my dog, fell, hit my head on the stove, and got knocked unconscious. FML

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By anonymous - 9/6/2011 19:04 - United States

Today, I noticed a disgusting odor that seemed to be radiating off my brother. When I asked him about it, he replied, "I think it's ball sweat. I haven't had a shower in a few weeks, so it's hard to tell." FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2014 13:29 - United States - Needles

Today, I was meeting my boyfriend's mom. She was driving us to a theme park that was about 2 hours away. She asked for the address to put into the GPS, so I gave it to her. It turned out to be a farm, an hour away from the park. So much for good first impressions. FML

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By Sam - 23/11/2009 01:35 - United States

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house. We were starting to get intimate, and I thought it would be kinky to tie his hands to his bed so he'd be more turned on. Suddenly his mom called us for dinner, but I couldn't untie him fast enough. I had to sit there, embarrassed, while his mom undid the rope. FML

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By Sad and hungry - 25/4/2020 17:00

Tasty!

Today, my in-laws invited us over to dinner. I decided to help out in the kitchen and watched in horror as my mother-in-law licked every utensil, sucked her fingers while making the plates and slurped wine straight from the bottle. My husband said I was rude for refusing to eat. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2016 16:06 - United States - Bellevue

Today, an old guy with a cane got up in my face for "mocking" the way he walked. In retrospect, I guess it is pretty offensive for me to have had knee surgery and still be recovering from it. My apologies. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2019 12:00

Today, while I was sitting in the living room with my mother, my phone rang. She immediately exclaimed, "I'm not calling you! Why is it going off?" She was serious. My own mother doesn't believe people talk to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/1/2013 01:04 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my boss put me on suspension for violating company policy by having non-work related mail in my inbox. They were spam emails. FML

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By NoNaMe - 4/6/2009 08:07 - Australia

Today, while walking down the street, a homeless man walked up to me. He opened his mouth to say something and I immediately said that I didn't have any spare change because I was late for work. He then said "I was gonna ask you for the time, dickwad". Apparently he wasn't homeless. FML

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By HDCkid - 5/4/2009 08:48 - United States

Today, I met a new client in person for the first time. When I went to shake his hand, it was made of plastic. Startled, I laughed thinking it was a practical joke. It wasn't. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2009 06:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of three years sent me several flowers and chocolate boxes to my office. It ends up that he cheated on me with my sister and tried to break the news to me after all the presents he sent. I thought he actually remembered our anniversary this year. FML

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By Prae - 1/10/2012 05:47 - United States - Dallas

Today, I washed the dishes for my mom while she was out, as they seemed to be piling up. I accidentally sliced my hand with a knife in the process. After a trip to the hospital, it was revealed she'd been leaving those dishes there "to teach dad a lesson." FML

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By coughcough - 14/7/2013 05:35 - United States

Today, after recovering from pneumonia and a severe asthma attack caused by my dad's fiancée's cat, he chose to keep the cat. I can't go to his house without having to go to the hospital later. FML

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By Slipperywhenwet - 20/1/2017 10:00

Today, I tripped over a "Caution: Slippery When Wet" floor sign and sprained my ankle. FML

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By jimmy_poison - 9/2/2015 00:19 - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, my date bumped into her ex-husband, who decided to join us for the rest of the dinner. FML

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By bsulyingb - 24/11/2013 19:59 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because "our priorities aren't the same." Her priorities turned out to be getting into my coworker's pants. FML

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By cherokeems - 20/10/2015 18:28 - United States - Harriman

Today, my 8-month-old dog decided to decorate the living room by tearing apart a rented college textbook, the reference guide that went with it, and part of a color therapy book. FML

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By FckMyLife - 24/3/2011 14:46 - United States

Today, while at the mall I opened a bathroom stall thinking nobody was in there. The door just didn't close properly. I hit an elderly woman in the head. FML

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By FMeeee - 16/6/2014 18:50 - Portugal - Aveiro

Today, I decided to tell my family, including my husband, that I'm pregnant. Their reaction was basically a "meh" before returning to watching the World Cup. FML

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By H1dd3n - 1/6/2013 23:31 - United States - La Quinta

Today, I found out that my parents were artists when they met. My mom said that I was one of their best projects yet. My sister, hearing what my mother said, broke my week-old PS3 in a rage. FML

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By justme - 2/11/2013 13:21 - United States - Alliance

Today, while driving in the car with my father, he handed me his iPhone and asked me to Google "Is ObamaCare good for our country?" As soon as I typed in "Is", the first result was "Is olive oil good for anal." FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2019 04:00

Wakey Wakey!

Today, my girlfriend woke me up by punching me in the balls. It’s OK, I didn’t want kids anyway. FML

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By MusicLover18 - 3/9/2014 23:35 - Canada - Leduc

Today, I caught my little sister taking a selfie in the mirror with a fake nose piercing, peace sign, and a duck face. She's 12. FML

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By Da Boss - 5/10/2016 01:19 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my coworker and I agreed to come clean and tell our fellow employees that we have been secretly dating for a while. Before we could, I received a promotion. I am now his boss. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2010 14:56 - United States

Today, my 8 year old adopted daughter told me she wants me to take her back so another family can adopt her because I don't give her enough toys. FML

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By analbel - 5/11/2018 12:00

Today, I had to get a urine analysis done for my doctor. I take medicine that makes me a little shaky sometimes. Guess who spilled their pee all over themselves while trying to put the lid on. FML

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By thiswouldonlyhappentome - 31/5/2011 00:33 - Aruba

Today, I finally found out what that weird smell in my apartment was. My ex-boyfriend had been breaking into my apartment and hiding rotting fruit all over the place. I found this out when a ceiling panel fell and a swarm of fruit flies attacked me. FML

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By Tinkerer - 21/8/2011 06:25 - United States

Today, my stepbrother found my diary and read it. He then told my boyfriend how I had a crush on another guy, and no longer liked him, causing my boyfriend to break up with me. That diary was from the third grade. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2010 00:10 - United States

Today, I was asked to crawl through a sun roof because one of my co workers locked her keys in her car. After I got the keys, instead of opening the car door, I climbed back out through the sun roof. To laughter. FML

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By kodijack - 25/1/2010 18:13 - United States

Today, I got stuck behind a guy riding his bike 20 mph below the speed limit. I honked, cursed, screamed, and yelled, before finally managing to overtake him. Once I got home, I went outside to get the paper, and discovered that the biker lives just two doors down from me. FML

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By lpspann87 - 25/4/2011 17:02 - United States

Today, I moved to Florida because I have poor circulation and need to be in a warm environment. The first day at my new job, I discovered my co-worker is an overweight man who wears a wool suit every day, and insists on keeping the office chilled to 65 degrees. I can't feel my fingers or toes. FML

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By ulring - 12/2/2012 00:53 - United States

Today, I walked all the way across campus to eat the first meal I've had all day. After waiting for my food in a congested line for 30 minutes, I got to the register to pay. Turns out my wallet was a twenty minute walk away, back in my apartment. FML

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By noO - 7/2/2016 17:43 - United States - Greenwood

Today, for the seventh weekend in a row, I left my weekly visit with my long-distance boyfriend unsatisfied. Seems he enjoys getting shit-faced drunk more than he enjoys getting a boner. FML

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By - 30/12/2009 20:30 - France

Today, when I saw a big box that looked like a playstation, I got really excited and my parents were there and everything looked like it really was something big, so I start to open the wrapper and surprise... it was a lamp. FML

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By chacha - 28/11/2009 18:11 - United States

Today, I realized that I'm a sleepwalker and for the past week, that dream where I was giving my roommate a blowjob was real. He just pretended it never happened. FML

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By stupidboss - 31/3/2016 03:23 - United States - Bellingham

Today, I got into a car accident with my boss, and he asked if I could come to work the next day. I'm in the hospital and he knows it. FML

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By starrybrooke - 6/4/2009 08:40 - United States

Today, while working the dinner rush at my job, every single computer, credit card machine, and printer froze for an hour and a half. The reason behind this issue was a large wire ripped from the mainframe, the same wire I tripped over 20 seconds before while my boss watched. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2017 20:00

Today, I'm a counselor at summer camp. I don't know how to tell the 12-year-old girl in my cabin that I can hear porn playing through her headphones. FML

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By Watsausrname - 14/6/2016 02:31

Today, I was using the restroom at a gas station when someone hurriedly knocked on the door. Thinking that it was my sister, I playfully said, "Hold up, hoe!" I opened the door to see a goth woman with an edgy haircut giving me a death stare. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2009 17:50 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend of 5 years admitted why his pet name for me is "his beautiful swan". Apparently, the first few years we were dating, he and his friends secretly referred to me as "the ugly duckling" because my sister was so much hotter. FML

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Top comments

By worldclassrager | 39

#6461177 - Saturday 14 November 2015 9:01

Go back into your room and stare into the sun...that will make you blind so this doesn't happen again

By Exobadger | 15

#6461168 - Saturday 14 November 2015 8:54

Be optimistic... it could have been 2 balls..or a dick.

COMMENTS

By Exobadger | 15

#6461168 - Saturday 14 November 2015 8:54

Be optimistic... it could have been 2 balls..or a dick.

Reply

pikmin5764 | 18

#6461179 - Saturday 14 November 2015 9:02

Or 3 balls could be worse but I hope you forget soon OP

Reply

spacefish966 | 18

#6461219 - Saturday 14 November 2015 10:14

tickle, tickle......

Reply

ellabellaboom | 24

#6461263 - Saturday 14 November 2015 11:38

Could have been two balls AND a dick.

Reply

jtfrisch | 22

#6461900 - Sunday 15 November 2015 13:44

OP YOU USED TO LIVE IN THAT

By PrideOfTheFallen | 19

#6461174 - Saturday 14 November 2015 8:58

Keep eating processed meat you'll get that ass cancer too

Reply

meli1195 | 31

#6461188 - Saturday 14 November 2015 9:21

but bacon is so delicious

Reply

MrSassypants | 32

#6461426 - Saturday 14 November 2015 17:02

It's a catch 22. You eat the bacon, you get ass cancer. You don't eat the bacon, then you don't eat the bacon. It's a sad world indeed.

Reply

jawarston | 24

#6461774 - Sunday 15 November 2015 6:33

where it say he was eating processed meat?

Reply

Colon_Man | 17

#6462044 - Sunday 15 November 2015 18:25

Don't make lite of ass cancer... or meats.

By worldclassrager | 39

#6461177 - Saturday 14 November 2015 9:01

Go back into your room and stare into the sun...that will make you blind so this doesn't happen again

Reply

venomousflower | 24

#6461347 - Saturday 14 November 2015 15:06

But he will always have a the memory engraved in his brain

Reply

worldclassrager | 39

#6461432 - Saturday 14 November 2015 17:14

Think happy thoughts

Reply

anythingrandom | 23

#6461513 - Saturday 14 November 2015 19:51

what has been seen, has been seen.

Reply

czarinaluv | 9

#6462274 - Monday 16 November 2015 0:52

that was perfect.

Reply

imStoneCold | 7

#6463472 - Tuesday 17 November 2015 8:33

Then that will be his last memory of vision. Haunting him for the rest of his life.

By mjmaher81 | 5

#6461190 - Saturday 14 November 2015 9:26

It's stuff like that that you don't forget.
Eh, you've both got them, though. You've spent enough time with yours, I'm sure.

By EyRaB | 17

#6461192 - Saturday 14 November 2015 9:27

*passes you the brain bleach*

By lexred | 30

#6461194 - Saturday 14 November 2015 9:36

y r u bothered abt ur dads balls?

Reply

countryb_cth | 38

#6461271 - Saturday 14 November 2015 11:45

I'm more bothered with your awful spelling.

Reply

Dick_diamond | 22

#6461293 - Saturday 14 November 2015 13:05

Why aren't you?

Reply

lexred | 30

#6461431 - Saturday 14 November 2015 17:12

y what's wrong with the spelling?

Reply

CamBen42 | 29

#6461622 - Sunday 15 November 2015 0:27

Everything.

Reply

worldclassrager | 39

#6463677 - Tuesday 17 November 2015 17:25

This is FML not texting...even though FML is an lingo...

By iwanttogotoparis | 26

#6461201 - Saturday 14 November 2015 9:42

Some parents need to learn boundaries

Reply

jawarston | 24

#6461775 - Sunday 15 November 2015 6:34

it's his dad's house.

Reply

ncparry | 18

#6461978 - Sunday 15 November 2015 16:46

Um yeah, parent's house, I do believe they can do what they want.

By allykaymorris | 24

#6461203 - Saturday 14 November 2015 9:51

At least it was only one ball... :/

Reply

sstahpp | 33

#6461824 - Sunday 15 November 2015 8:38

Still no bright side :/

By infinitemonkey | 21

#6461206 - Saturday 14 November 2015 9:54

You are a delicate flower.

Reply

Colon_Man | 17

#6462046 - Sunday 15 November 2015 18:27

Not anymore.

By zarrganaut | 17

#6461211 - Saturday 14 November 2015 10:00

Hey, not everyone can be glamorous when they wake up in the morning. :p