Intimacy: Today, I got out of bed and went downstairs in my boxers to get... - FML

By kappaomicron - United Kingdom

Today, I got out of bed and went downstairs in my boxers to get a glass of water. I entered the kitchen and said hi to my visiting mother-in-law, who smiled. Only after a good ten minutes did she decide to tell me that my "wanker-stick" was hanging from a gap in my boxers. FML

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There's no helping some people

Walk on the wild side

Pull your shit together, Bezos

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found out my boyfriend keeps a gun under his pillow. This was only after my friends and I surprised him with his birthday cake while he was sleeping. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Karlskrona

Today, I had to use a public bathroom. I'm pregnant, though I don't really suffer from morning sickness. I do however suffer from sympathy puking, which kicked in with horrifying consequences when someone burst in and started vomiting in one of the other stalls. FML

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By phishy - United States - Georgetown

Today, I got a call from a potential employer. Unfortunately, I couldn't understand the man due to his incoherent mumbling. I had to decline the job after asking him to repeat everything he said, over and over again. I still don't know exactly which job I declined. FML

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By Brandon Butler

Today, I was riding my motorcycle on the highway and wearing all of my gear - boots, gloves, jacket, and full-face helmet. Somehow a bee found the only spot not covered on my body and stung my neck. I'm allergic to bees. FML

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By julieriis - Denmark - Hals

Today, I was in a car accident, two days before Christmas. I'm now laying at home, not able to walk. My whole family thinks that I'm joking. A car drove over my foot, I'm not joking. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, I was on the toilet, when the girl I really like decided to call. I'd left my cellphone in my room and my dad answered. All he said was, "He's taking a shit. This might take a while." and hung up. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, it's been so long since my fiancé and I have had sex I now apparently have dreams about all-night unprotected screwing marathons with George Bush. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boss reprimanded me for a huge screw-up that he was responsible for. FML

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By chickfilady

Today, I was talking to a customer, when I choked on my spit. After I could breathe again I was so embarrassed I said the first thing that popped into my head, which was, "I'm sorry, I don't know how to swallow." FML

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By unknown - Canada - Courtenay

Today, I sat down with my daughter to have the sex talk, because she recently started seeing a guy. I mentioned at one point how disappointed I would be if she got pregnant. She went wide-eyed and asked, "Didn't mom tell you?" FML

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By unluckylassy - Ireland

Today, after moving miles to be with my boyfriend, I logged onto his computer just in time to see his other girlfriend had sent naked pictures. FML

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By love you too mommy - United States - Brentwood

Today, my mom walked into my room to talk to me. I was surprised because we don't talk much. I was left with a smile on my face after she left, until I realized she'd stolen all the candy on my desk while I wasn't looking. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my husband announced that he wants to separate emotionally. Meanwhile, he still wants me to cook and clean for him while he dates his new girlfriend. FML

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By ohsugarxo - United States

Today, I was at my only sister's wedding. She gave a speech about the person who means the most to her. She said, "She is my favorite sister who has always been there for me." Being her only sister, I got up to hug her. Turns out she was talking about her slutty sorority sister. Not me. FML

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By BrokenHangLow - United States - Havelock

Today, my roommate barged into my bedroom while my girlfriend and I were getting intimate. She freaked out and spun off of me trying to cover herself. I'm now in the hospital with a fractured dingle-dangle. What did he want that was so important? To ask if he could eat last pack of Pop-Tarts. FML

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By wellcrap - United States - Carrollton

Today, I walked into a really fancy hotel bathroom. I spoke to the attendant and gave her my purse and coat while I used the toilet. When I came out, she was gone. The receptionist informed me they didn't have a bathroom attendant. FML

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By fmcsl

Today, a customer bought a luggage tag and asked what it was for. I explained and she asked if she had to hang it around her neck. I explained again and she said she didn’t have her luggage with her so did she have to hang it around her neck? FML

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By Anonymous

Just a question

Today while I was about to go into the shower, my mom walked in on me while I was naked. She looked down and asked me if I was cold. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today my daughter asked me to do her a huge favor : undergo a liposuction transplantation where my fat would be sucked out then put into her butt and thighs. Apparently, I am the fattest DNA match to her, lessening the risk of her rejecting the transplant. FML

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By Anonymous - Finland - Vanda

Today, my boss threatened to fire me because of a tattoo I have. It's a small teddy bear on my leg with my parents' names on it. My workplace has no problems with tattoos, but my boss said it was "unoriginal and lame." It's a memorial tattoo; my parents died last year. FML

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By Sarah - United States - Pipersville

Today, a hobo shook me down for money on the street. He's my brother, who incidentally ran away from home over two years ago. FML

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By scaredtosleep - United Kingdom

Today, the weird receptionist at the hotel I'm staying at asked me if I needed an extra blanket because I "looked cold in my sleep last night". FML

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By unbelievable

Today, I learned that when my girlfriend always says she's been at "Alex's house", she hasn't meant the house of her friend Alexis, but rather the house of the man she has been cheating on me with. She literally told me she was cheating on me and still managed to avoid getting caught. FML

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By Thanks Honey - United States

Today, I found my husband farting on my pillows, bare ass. His only words were, "This isn't what it looks like." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a call from my daughter's pre-school. Apparently, she is being suspended, for answering; "What do your parents do at home?" She told them, "My parents fuck." FML

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By Rjlup - United States - Denver

Today, I took my pet rabbit to the vet because I had noticed his genitals looked swollen compared to my other rabbit's. It turns out he's just "gifted". The vet laughed at me. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Middlewich

Today, I was talking to my friend, who was telling me he's having suicidal thoughts lately. He then said he'd be back in a few minutes. Nearly an hour passed. I panicked, thinking he'd offed himself. Several minutes after I called the emergency services, he messaged me, saying "K, back." FML

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By OnPlanetVenus - United States - Hallam

Today, I discovered that when my husband agreed to donate sperm so an infertile friend and his wife could have children, there was nothing "artificial" about the insemination. FML

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By kalvin - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, during a driving lesson, I stopped behind a taxi, and got more and more annoyed when the traffic wouldn't move. A few minutes later, my instructor couldn't hold his laughter any more and pointed out I'd somehow zoned out and entered a taxi rank. FML

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By Jamie - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having phone sex when he stopped responding. Five minutes later and ready to hang up, he apologized because he got distracted with his game of Tetris. FML

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By sad associate - United States - Bastrop

Today, I swung my arm with a product in my hand, and the product flew out of the packaging and hit an old lady on her head. FML

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By HBCruiser

Today, I’m sitting in my living room, smelling onions frying. My house is all closed up. I’m not cooking anything. FML

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By Loverscry - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I forgot my library book on a bench then I got on a bus, so I got off at the next stop and walked back to get it. I arrived just in time to see some guy pick it up and hop on another bus. So now I'm not on the bus I needed, and I have to pay for the book. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my manager gave me hell for leaving the restaurant early yesterday. Guilty as charged, but only because I was rushed to the hospital after going into diabetic shock. This assmunch is convinced that I either faked it all to get off work early, or that I'd been eating our own stock. FML

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By indian:( - United States

Today, I realized that I hate lying to my mom about having a boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2020 04:57 - Germany

Childfree

Today, I explained to my boyfriend that I want to get my tubes tied, because I don’t want kids and can’t stand the fear of getting pregnant by accident, despite contraception, which has happened before. He summarized: “So, the main point is to preserve your fertility, right?” Wrong. FML

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By TiredMommy - United States - Southbridge

Today, my 2-year-old son figured out that if he takes his pull-up off and DOESN'T go on the potty, he can pee all over things. FML

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By Spider-Sham

Today, my mom volunteered me to help out at her coworker's 5-year-old son's birthday party. I didn't realize until I got there that "helping out" meant "dressing up as Spider-Man". FML

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By silver

Today, while discussing my family on a date, I mentioned that my parents are divorced. She immediately got up and left without a word. FML

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By virgin

Early program

Today, I was so excited because tomorrow I'm going to be losing my virginity. I just used the bathroom and I got my period. FML

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Top comments

By yakturk43 | 0

#785074 - Wednesday 20 January 2010 0:19

win for saying wankerstick lol

By bhangu023 | 0

#785091 - Wednesday 20 January 2010 0:26

ahaha u shud of been like i'm givin it som morning fresh air

COMMENTS

By yakturk43 | 0

#785074 - Wednesday 20 January 2010 0:19

win for saying wankerstick lol

Reply

blah109 | 0

#788234 - Thursday 21 January 2010 10:47

lol that'd be embarassing

Reply

Bertha5 | 0

#792221 - Saturday 23 January 2010 2:19

ahha didn't u feel a breezzee? lol

Reply

hackymeal | 0

#1034914 - Friday 18 June 2010 13:16

did u have a morning wood?

Reply

BIGBOY4rmAHM | 19

#4722735 - Monday 23 July 2012 8:12

This sounds like the beginning of a porno.

By Newbie21 | 1

#785078 - Wednesday 20 January 2010 0:20

hehe how embarrassing FYL

By george456 | 0

#785085 - Wednesday 20 January 2010 0:24

LOL

By makii_fml | 0

#785087 - Wednesday 20 January 2010 0:24

hahaha di she say she wanted some

By bhangu023 | 0

#785091 - Wednesday 20 January 2010 0:26

ahaha u shud of been like i'm givin it som morning fresh air

By WreckerGirl | 4

#785093 - Wednesday 20 January 2010 0:27

AWKWARD! How will you ever look her in the eye again?

Reply

hahayousucks | 3

#2203076 - Saturday 19 March 2011 6:14

like a boss

By Nic_hole | 0

#785095 - Wednesday 20 January 2010 0:28

hahaha ahh that's great lolz

By Laurendorcus | 0

#785096 - Wednesday 20 January 2010 0:28

Im suprised you didnt notice something was wrong when first you walked into the room and she yelled out "oh baby baby!" as her eyes popped out of her head. Oh, you sexy beast. :-)

By bhangu023 | 0

#785097 - Wednesday 20 January 2010 0:28

ahaha u shud of been like it's better to let it hang

By Ishki | 0

#785098 - Wednesday 20 January 2010 0:28

So... Did you get some?