Miscellaneous: Today, I got my first tattoo. It's a large broadsword which runs... - FML

By damnit - 25/08/2009 06:44 - Australia

Today, I got my first tattoo. It's a large broadsword which runs the length of my spine. I went home to show it off and learned that the hilt on my neck looks just like a penis when the rest of it is covered with my shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 757

You deserved it 63 962

BO Central

Best teeth in the game

Can't do the time? Don't do the crime!

By JJAnd - 28/08/2011 06:37 - United States

Today, I woke up at 7am next to the man I swore I'd never get intimate with again. After trying to get back to sleep despite my shame and disgust, he ripped the loudest fart ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 242

You deserved it 47 961

No end in sight

By Anonymous - 15/02/2021 11:01 - Sweden - Skellefte?

Today, my city is in the news because of a huge Covid outbreak in a factory that's under construction. They have over a thousand workers and refuse to shut down to stop the spread. FML

I agree, your life sucks 768

You deserved it 118

Inappropriate

By Abandonedandbroke - 09/06/2021 03:59

Today, my husband quit his teaching job, the job putting bread and butter on the table for our family. The reason? He wants to date one of his students he’s been seeing on the side, and wants to make the relationship "official and ethical." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 498

You deserved it 93

By Anonymous - 12/10/2018 14:00

Today, I was at the park and needed to take a piss really badly. I opened my car door and stood to pee, but good old Mother Nature ran by and the wind blew it all into my car. My entire driver side smells like pee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 084

You deserved it 3 744

By scumbag - 05/11/2009 10:12 - United States

Today, I got a call from the guy I have been seeing. I wasn't him. It was his wife wondering why I have her husband's number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 061

You deserved it 6 405

By Teenagegirl - 26/03/2012 04:11 - Canada - Sherwood Park

Spicy

Today, my mother told me it's okay to be a prostitute, as long as I make sure the clients pay a lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 284

You deserved it 4 250

By ofcourse - 13/09/2009 06:12 - United States

Today, I got a promotion to management at work. My employer decided to give the 'non-management' employees a really nice raise. Which means the job I had before my promotion is now paying more than the job I have now. Did I just get demoted? FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 814

You deserved it 2 607

Check yourself

By Anonymous - 28/10/2014 23:54 - United States

Today, my mom talked to me and my brother about how great it was that our cousin was getting away from drugs and becoming sober, as he would have so many more opportunities opened up for him now. She explained all this while sitting on our patio, smoking a blunt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 454

You deserved it 3 845

By fail - 19/11/2009 06:10 - Australia

Today, whilst singing at school in front of 300 visiting primary school children I forgot the second verse to my song and let out an F*** word with the microphone still up to my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 352

You deserved it 39 481

By Barry Wom - 28/11/2018 12:00

Today, my boss is out of the office and sent me an e-mail asking me to multiply two numbers together and send her the result. Apparently she doesn't know that her smartphone has a calculator app. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 516

You deserved it 168

By Anonymous - 27/06/2011 23:45 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend tried to climb up to my third story window in the early hours of the morning. Just before he got to the top, he slipped and fell to the ground. My dad had to drive him to the hospital at 3am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 840

You deserved it 7 691

Trick question

By Anonymous - 03/02/2013 21:57 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend asked me if she looked fat in her new pair of jeans. Knowing I was probably about two seconds away from all hell breaking loose, I instinctively tried to save my game, before remembering I wasn't playing a video game. I really need to get a life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 554

You deserved it 33 552

By Matt - 12/08/2011 00:46 - United States

Today, I informed my family of my plans to divorce my wife after catching her cheating on me twice. They bitched me out because I will not be able to survive financially or emotionally without her support. I'm a doctor. She's been unemployed for 2 straight years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 985

You deserved it 2 663

By chubrubber - 04/09/2016 18:57 - United States - Bronx

Today, I participated in a walk for charity. Even though I was supposed to walk 5K, I stopped after 3K because the pain from my thighs rubbing together nearly sent me to tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 978

You deserved it 2 337

By got any coupons? - 23/12/2014 15:24 - United States

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of six years. She got mad at me, saying she is too young to get married and that I was trying to ruin her career. She is 32 and works part-time at a grocery store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 883

You deserved it 3 391

By Embarrassed daughter.. - 01/02/2009 19:09 - United States

Today, for the Superbowl halftime show, my mom was blasting the TV, dancing, and singing along to Bruce Springsteen in front of me and my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 012

You deserved it 6 910

By Anonymous - 09/11/2010 07:08 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend got so drunk that he was sick in the taxi, sick on me, then sick on himself when he was sitting on the toilet. What's more, I can't get into bed because he's been sick all over my half of the bed. So I'm sleeping on the sofa tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 473

You deserved it 5 345

By deathbysnoosnoo - 24/11/2009 21:42 - United States

Spicy

Today, while showing my art work at a festival, a very old cougar walked up to me and asked if I wanted to hook up later. After refusing more than one time, the woman walked away with my business card. I've been getting emails with naked pictures. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 797

You deserved it 5 548

By lamesauce - 15/02/2009 10:32 - Canada

Today, I went on a coffee date with a guy I'm interested in. He picked up his phone mid-date to finalize dinner plans with another girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 739

You deserved it 3 038

By fatblooddonor - 26/02/2019 04:00

Today, I donated blood at a blood drive. As is the usual for blood drives, I was offered a shirt after donating. The worker handing out the shirts asked me for my size. I said that I was a medium. He looked me over, then asked, "Are you sure?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 047

You deserved it 314

Not now

By Anonymous - 08/09/2009 04:16 - United States

Spicy

Today, while my girlfriend and I were getting it on, she looked up at me and said, "You look a lot like your brother." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 076

You deserved it 2 596

Daddy's little girl

By what did I raise?! - 19/03/2021 06:01 - United States

Today, my daughter asked to use my phone to find hers. Instead, she sent multiple messages to my boyfriend, trying to break up with him. When asked why she did it, she said it’s because she wants me to get back with her father. This would be somewhat understandable if she wasn’t 32 years-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 229

You deserved it 103

Knackered

By bandeek - 23/10/2016 18:52

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I fell asleep twice during sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 950

You deserved it 2 834

By liltravol23 - 15/01/2009 11:36 - United States

Today, the only cute girl in my office made fun of me because I'm 27 and bring fruit cups with my lunch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 123

You deserved it 4 591

Failing upwards

By Anonymous - 26/02/2021 20:01 - United States

Today, I got my acceptance letter from Harvard University. Yay! Unfortunately, I sent it as a joke, never thinking I'd get accepted and I have absolutely no way to get there, or the money to pay for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 788

You deserved it 477

By Anonymous - 11/12/2012 17:17 - United States

Today, my roommate turned the thermostat down to 50 degrees. Why? Because she read that shivering burns calories. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 693

You deserved it 2 166

By starrybrooke - 06/04/2009 08:40 - United States

Today, while working the dinner rush at my job, every single computer, credit card machine, and printer froze for an hour and a half. The reason behind this issue was a large wire ripped from the mainframe, the same wire I tripped over 20 seconds before while my boss watched. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 460

You deserved it 9 901

By minimoonpie - 07/09/2011 11:55 - Australia

Today, I was serving an incredibly rude woman at work. The ladder I had used to get her two pairs of shoes came crashing down, and hit my face and neck. She only bought one pair, and ten minutes later returned them after complaining they were too expensive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 033

You deserved it 2 684

By Tj Hunt - 05/11/2012 03:26 - United States

Today, in the middle of a hot air balloon ride with my girlfriend, I asked her to marry me. She said no. The rest of the ride was the most awkward 2 hours of my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 648

You deserved it 4 440

Pragmatic

By Anonymous - 15/03/2010 14:05 - South Africa

Spicy

Today, after confronting my husband about lack of intimacy in our marriage, I found him playing with himself. His response to my shock was, "This is less work and less involving." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 577

You deserved it 4 818

By shorty - 11/04/2011 17:36 - United States

Today, I found out that if I were 2 inches shorter, I would have to sit in a booster seat in the car. I'm about to turn 22. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 650

You deserved it 4 847

By CambodianAsshole - 25/12/2012 06:41 - United States - Placentia

Today, I opened my Christmas present from my parents. I got a road-side assistance package. I don't own a vehicle, and I don't even have a driver's license. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 406

You deserved it 3 556

By prochainefois - 31/01/2014 21:05 - France - Paris

Spicy

Today, I was in the process of finally losing my virginity. Part-way through, my neighbour started shouting from his backyard, "Go, Nicolas! You can do it!" He was talking to his son, but the two of us have the same name. I couldn't finish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 242

You deserved it 6 881

By Anon - 30/03/2012 05:10 - New Zealand

Today, I was so excited to hear my phone get a message that I jumped out of my seat. It was the TV, advertising texting plans. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 352

You deserved it 5 107

By georgiana072 - 22/09/2009 07:36 - Philippines

Today, as I was coming out of the ladies' room, I saw a guy glancing at me. A few minutes later, I saw him coming at me at a fast rate. I decided to run from him. As I got out of the building and into a cab, I saw him from the window waving my phone at me. He was just trying to return it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 589

You deserved it 47 373

By awkwardballer - 24/05/2016 16:53

Today, while playing basketball with my new coworkers, I managed to get the ball stuck between the hoop and backboard. In trying to free it, I also got a traffic cone stuck and ended up having to drag a large ladder across the court while everyone watched. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 831

You deserved it 1 577

By polemania - 11/07/2016 05:23 - United States

Today, I had an employee come in 20 minutes late with the excuse, "There's a Pokemon gym across the street!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 396

You deserved it 1 800

By Anonymous - 15/03/2014 21:02 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, four days after making a $100 bet with my balding, pedo-stache wearing dad over who could get a girlfriend first, he came home and introduced me to his new girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 849

You deserved it 11 606

By "Jam2019" - 15/02/2019 14:00

Today, despite using the bathroom before I left my house, then at the bus station 10 minutes later, I still had to get off my bus halfway into my hour long journey to pee in a back alley or I would have wet myself. I'm 24 and this has happened twice in the last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 088

You deserved it 227

By laury - 09/05/2012 02:05 - Canada - Port Elgin

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 433

You deserved it 3 609

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Top comments

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 12:11

Haha, penis. You really should make sure that nothing you permanently attach to your body looks in any way like a penis, in any context. Sorry but YDI.

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 12:02

Hahaha owned

Comments

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 12:02

Hahaha owned

emilysanftwsom 0

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 12:17

Agreed, owned.

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 13:29

I third that statement

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 15:01

YDI... and: pics or it didn't happen

DisturbedDriver 0

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 21:54

Quit replying to the 1st post just to get attention.

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 23:43

yea give us pics, i wanna see the sword lol

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Wednesday 26 August 2009 5:06

YDI for getting a fucking sword on your back... Who does that anyways? Are you like weirdly obsessed with Lord of the rings or something?

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Wednesday 26 August 2009 9:32

get long hair?

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Thursday 3 September 2009 9:29

who gives a shit if someone replies so they can be at the top? i dont understand why everyone flips a bitch over it. who fucking cares. just lift you finger to scroll down the damn page an inch further.. it takes more effort to write an entire complaint instead of GETTING THE FUCK OVER IT.

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Friday 6 November 2009 5:25

Yeah definitely YDI for getting such a douche tattoo

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Thursday 21 January 2010 8:08

Get another tattoo of a lady sucking the tip... that would look really cool... don't ya think?

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Thursday 29 April 2010 7:10

epic fail. i wanna see a pic of this "sword"

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Saturday 19 June 2010 14:51

penis neck... fyl

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 12:02

edit?

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 12:20

More like... "Ctrl+Z?"

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 17:56

you must be a windows person or it'd be command Z. damn windows...

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 12:05

LOL.

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Wednesday 26 August 2009 0:17

Helloooooooo turtlenecks!!!!!

MarioandSonic 8

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Tuesday 14 June 2011 23:58

pictures or it didn't happen.

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 12:05

ouch. Check your designs next time.

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 12:06

PENIS!

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Saturday 26 March 2011 16:39

you like it dont you

hotdogbitchface 0

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 12:10

Brock Lesnar shares your pain.

notcoolperson 0

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 12:29

you sir, are a legend.

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 16:02

Hey dude, since you've already got a big dick tattooed on your back, you might as well go the whole nine and have it shooting a blood-load or something out like Cock Chestnar does. Red Dragons!

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 21:02

Indeed. Hahaha.

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 12:10

that shits permanent

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 15:45

No, it's not thanks to today's technology. You can get it removed by laser.

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 20:53

Yes, you can get a tattoo laser removed. Of course, the pain and expense are both about 10x worse than the tattoo itself

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Wednesday 26 August 2009 0:19

and it comes back through enough sun exposure

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 12:11

Haha, penis. You really should make sure that nothing you permanently attach to your body looks in any way like a penis, in any context. Sorry but YDI.

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 16:56

Excpet if you are physically female, and getting gender reassignment surgery to "become" male. Then you want something exactly like a penis attached to your body.

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 19:28

You better get rid of your penis then, you don't want that sort of thing attached to your body do you?

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 20:52

the point of this post?

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Wednesday 26 August 2009 6:07

You're weird, Lacey, but awesome.

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Friday 13 August 2010 9:07

was half of thy a song.... it's a pretty awesome song! on the radio all the time xD

Jared900DUmpling 30

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Tuesday 21 July 2015 2:37

What about a penis?

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 12:17

Well, that is what you get for permanently scaring your body. Oh yeah, hahahahaha!

crazy_cat_lady24 0

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 14:07

Yeah, my body would be pretty scared too if it had a penis on it all of a sudden.

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 15:24

*cough* lesbian *cough*

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 17:02

Of course. Straight women all over the globe would be delighted to suddenly be wearing a penis.

Shadow_Phantom 26

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 12:18

Hopefully not too many people have dirty minds, but just explain to them it's a sword and lift up the back of your shirt a little if they ask or laugh. FYL though.

eliz3 0

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Tuesday 25 August 2009 14:59

not too many people have dirty minds? I think the real issue is the fact you don't need to have a dirty mind to recognise a penis on someones back.

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Saturday 29 August 2009 3:53

or go back to the parlor and get the guy to make the hilt look less penissy

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Thursday 4 February 2010 6:40

haha, penissy

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10

You deserved it 7

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I’ve been single and lonely for so long, I looked up if it’s possible to marry your hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 164

You deserved it 82

Today, during sex, I was getting close to climax, which is unusual for me due to personal issues. However, I got a piercing headache and had to stop. I later found out my birth control can cause sex headaches and the best way to avoid them is to avoid orgasms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 404

You deserved it 44