Miscellaneous: Today, I got my eyebrows waxed for the first time in a few months.... - FML

By bluedevil26 - United States

Today, I got my eyebrows waxed for the first time in a few months. Once she finished, she handed me the mirror and asked, "How does it feel to look human again?" FML

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Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

And today, on Dr Phil…

Pompous twat

By ParkerRommel - United States

Today, I was apparently tired enough to spray silly string under my armpits rather than deodorant. FML

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By sbutler - United States

Today, while at my job at a Christian summer camp, I overheard one of the kids swearing. I politely said, "Please, only speak as Jesus would." He paused for a moment and replied, "Go to hell." FML

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By tiredmom - United States - Phoenix

Today, my son found a cockroach in his bed. I had to kill the thing and wash all his sheets and stuffed animals before he'd finally agree to go back to bed, three hours later. FML

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By chris

Frustration level 100

Today, I saw my bike locked outside a Starbucks down the street from my house. It was stolen about 10 days ago from my communal laundry room. There was even a cop parked across the street, but I have no proof to show that bike even belonged to me. FML

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By Raaaaaaarrrrrr - United States

Today, I bought a CD off a man who always plays Spanish guitar in the subway. When I got to work and tried playing the CD, it was blank. I paid $15 for a blank CD. FML

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By cduttl1230 - United States

Today, after getting my appendix taken out, we had to drive over five sets of railroad tracks. Then, my four year old brother decided to punch me in the stomach because, "I took away his mommy for two days." FML

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By Lonely Gay - United States

Today, a first date with a guy went so badly that he actually paid me to never call him again. FML

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By musik_ist_liebe - United States

Today, my 13 year old sister had to explain the bases to me. Turns out, I have skipped first and second base and gone straight to third, without even realizing it. What makes it worse is that she told my mother, and now my whole family thinks I'm a slut. FML

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By Ex-girlfried - United States

Today, my girlfriend's family came over and I thought it would be fun to watch old family videos of when I was a kid. A few minutes into my 5th birthday party, I excused myself and went to grab some snacks for everyone. I returned to realize I had recorded porn over my family videos. FML

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By Langdon - United States

Today, I went to the midnight premiere of Angels and Demons. A hobo wandered into the theater and sat down behind me. I paid $10 to spend two and a half hours listening to a crazy man talk to himself and kick my chair while he loudly masturbated. FML

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By TommyNoFeet

Today, my third day training for a half marathon, I tripped and broke both of my ankles and one wrist. FML

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By bitten - United States

Today, I got bitten by my aunt's dog. My brother was holding the leash. He said he didn't pull the dog away from me because he didn't want to rip my shirt. Meanwhile, the dog was biting a penny-sized chunk out of my hip. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2020 11:02

Delusional

Today, my sister made serious plans to move to another country to be closer to the married man she's having an affair with. She thinks this will force him to leave his family. I know who will have to listen to her whining when she is sitting all alone in a different country. FML

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By hazyshadows - United States - Edmond

Too many cooks, etc.

Today, I tried to make a grilled cheese sandwich for myself, but as soon as I started, my mom rushed into the kitchen and criticized me for making it "wrong". She then made the sandwich for me. It tasted significantly worse than when I make them. FML

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By Insane Guy - United States

Today, at work, I jumped under my desk in fear of a nuclear missile attack when the firestation next us let out its new awareness siren. I think I'm going insane. FML

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By alcoholic - Estonia

Today, I was telling my teenage daughter about the effects from alcohol, and how she should not give in to peer pressure. While talking, I noticed that she was looking at me funny. There was a wine glass in my hand. FML

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By ReallyUniverse??

Today, at work as a dog groomer, two dogs gave me bloody bites, completely unprompted. I went home in tears, so my family got Chinese takeout to cheer me up. My fortune cookie read, "It is not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog that counts." FML

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By yes i meant ex-boyfriend - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, my boyfriend took a day off from work because he felt "sick". I thought he might come see me since he hadn't come over in a while. Nope, he went to hang out with his ex instead. FML

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By the boogieman mom

Today, I found out that eating too much cheese really can cause nightmares. I had a cheese sandwich before bed and woke up later to the nightmarish sight of my mother-in-law standing over me with a suitcase. She had a big argument with her husband and wants to stay with us for a few weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Phoenixville

Today, my college instructor told me I hadn't actually failed a big exam as he originally said. It turns out he'd mixed me up with another student. Now thanks to the power of gossip, half my class thinks I slept with him so he'd switch my grade with the other student's. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I used a fire extinguisher for the first time. Too bad it was on my car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Carrollton

Today, I was very worried about my girlfriend of two years. She has recently moved into her apartment, and I hadn't heard from her for four days. Don't worry, though, she's fine. According to her mother's Facebook, she moved in with her old boyfriend. FML

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By FoodyFood - Australia - Adelaide

Today, I told my daughter that she should put some love into her cooking. She started kissing the ingredients. FML

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By battle1 - United States - Marietta

Creepy

Today, my best friend told me he masturbates to my Instagram page. Thanks, I guess. FML

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By Disturbed - United States

Today, I just found out that my brother in law and his wife frequent a swingers establishment that me and the wife have visited. Which is OK I suppose (providing we never see each other there) but he told me his parents go there too. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newcastle

Today, it's my 7-year anniversary with my boyfriend. I was excited so I asked him what day it was and he said, "Wednesday?" FML

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By Rob

Today, I was in my bedroom with my boyfriend and we were kissing. My mom then came into my room and started shouting at my boyfriend for cheating on her. FML

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By ripdivine - United States

Today, I stopped at a lemonade stand on my way to work. A cute little girl handed me a mouthwash-sized cup of juice, and her adorable little brother told me it would be $.25. All I had was a $20. He shoved it into his overalls pocket, looked up with huge brown eyes and just said "Thank you." FML

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By S - Singapore

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex. He decided to make gun sound effects as he came. FML

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By CatBlock - United States - Decatur

Today, me and my boyfriend were having sex. As we were getting into it, his cat came into the room, sat, and stared us down with what looked like disapproving eyes. After 5 minutes had gone by, we stopped completely. A cat just cock blocked me. FML

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By Luke - United States - Liverpool

Today, my department found out that we're getting a new supervisor for the third time this month. I joked about how we're like "the foster kid nobody wants." One of my coworkers burst into tears and ran off. I later found out that she had been a foster child and never once had a stable home. FML

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By OG Pinecone - United States - Englewood

Today, I was hanging with friends up at my best friend's cabin. We were in his hot tub cracking jokes when he told one that sent me into a fit of hysterics. He tried to shut me up by splashing water on me. It worked, because when I jerked my head to the side, I dislocated a rib. FML

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By FMLer - United States

Today, I found out that since I stopped shaving my legs, my boyfriend and his friends have started referring to me as a Wookiee. FML

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By earlytermination - United States

Today, I was visiting my grandmother at her retirement community. Bingo is really popular there and she loves it, so I went thinking it would be a fun activity for us. I won the jackpot and my car got keyed by a group of angry old people. FML

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By LadyLou - Australia

Today, at work, a customer told me that my teeth would make a very pretty necklace. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Modesto

Today, I worked up my courage and took an elevator for the first time in my life. Unfortunately, it was also my first time getting trapped for several hours in an elevator. FML

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By JessBaby - United States

Today, I found out my grandmother passed away. When I told my boyfriend I began to cry. Instead of caring, he said "you're getting my bed wet," rolled over, and fell asleep. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I went to lunch with my sister. As the waitress was bringing our food, she dropped it on the floor. She apologized and brought us new food. After we finished eating and I looked at the bill, I noticed she'd charged us twice. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2021 00:30

Big Baby

Today, I flushed the toilet while my boyfriend was showering. He responded by throwing a huge fit, saying how if he “gets a cold” from being “forced” to shower in cold water, I’m gonna “have to stay home and take care of him until he’s better.” FML

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By scratchpost - United States

Today, my cat woke me up by sharpening his claws on my breast. FML

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Top comments

By Cloudy_fml | 0

#13201 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:20

Aw, that sucks Chewbacca.

By Amkii | 0

#13313 - Wednesday 4 March 2009 0:00

What a bitch! You should have poured the hot wax in her eyes and screamed, "HOW DOES IT FEEL TO NOT SEE ANYMORE?"

COMMENTS

By Kyothine | 0

#13189 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:15

who's she?

By slipkid | 0

#13196 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:19

damn what a bitch!

By Cloudy_fml | 0

#13201 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:20

Aw, that sucks Chewbacca.

By interventions | 1

#13212 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:23

haha, those eyebrow waxing people can be nasty.

By Lucicx0 | 0

#13230 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:27

uniiibrow hah

By x_Ariel_x | 0

#13256 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:36

:o Thats mean!

By ZING_MASTER | 0

#13258 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:37

UNI-ZING!!!!!!!!!!!!

By Seegtease | 0

#13266 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:40

Actually, I think she just un-FMLed you. Better her to say it than everybody else notice it silently.

By yeahreally | 6

#13273 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:42

thats rude...wow.

By xolotl | 0

#13286 - Tuesday 3 March 2009 23:47

i don't see the big deal.