Today, I got married and I'd invited everyone from work including...

By freckleboy422 - United States

Today, I got married and I'd invited everyone from work including my boss. His way of congratulating me was to mention that I'm out of a job. He said it was a good time to do it because he thought I would be too happy or too drunk to care. FML

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Work

Let's go girls!

Mystery

Creepy idea, dude

By Liz0352 - United States - Bainbridge Island

Today, my youngest son's teacher surprised me with a box of diapers. Apparently my son told her I was pregnant, but I'm not. I had to explain to her I'm just fat. She apologized and felt awful, and told me to keep the diapers. My children are 5 and 7. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I started hooking up with a guy I've liked for a while. We got pretty into it and he went into my underwear, looking confused. When I asked him what was wrong, his response was: "I can't find it." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Glasgow

Today, I walked in on my dad singing along to a song on Sesame Street. He tried to divert attention from what I'd just witnessed by angrily grilling me over "just barging in" and not respecting people's privacy. Apparently he forgot that we were in the living room. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a mild allergic reaction from eating pasta salad. I told my mom that I might be allergic to the parsley, since it was the only ingredient that I don't eat often. She made me eat a sprig of it to "make sure." Now my face is covered in hives. FML

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By Dor51 - United States - Tacoma

Today, we found out that my unborn sibling is a girl, and my parents quickly named her. In a few years' time, "Candida" is going to catch all kinds of shit at school, just like I do for being named Dorothy. My "friends" have already started calling me "lil' yeast infection's sis". FML

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By Rakib - Canada - Mississauga

Today, I put aside my weekend plans to help my aunt with the extermination guy spraying her new house down to prevent cockroaches. After he left, my aunt asked me to go in and turn off the lights because the fumes were very deadly. If I chose not to, she would tell my mom I did nothing all day. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my husband and I went on vacation. We got lost and had to ask the locals for directions to our hotel. Neither of us could understand their accents, and we ended up wandering around blindly for hours until we made it back on our own. FML

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By em from Cali - United States - Visalia

Today, a homeless lady decided she needed to change underwear in the middle of the sidewalk. I turned around just in time to see her legs in the air with no undies on. I can never eat salami again. FML

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By grrr1234

Today, my daughter told me that she wanted to live with her father because they have a faster internet connection. FML

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31571

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By c - United States - Denham Springs

Today, my boss bitched at me because my body language "indicates that you don't enjoy doing your job". I just have scoliosis. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2019 14:00 - United States - Houston

Watch movies

Today, I hired a babysitter to take care of my newborn. When I came home, she was having sex with her boyfriend in the crib while the baby sat and watched them. FML

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2521

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the girl I have had a crush on for the last 4 months asked me on AIM how to block someone. 30 seconds after I finished explaining how to block someone on iChat, she went offline and I haven't seen her on AIM since. FML

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By notkatvond - United States

Today, at my job at my tattoo parlor, yet another client offered to pay for his tattoo by "letting" me sleep with him. This client happens to be my boyfriend's best friend, whose girlfriend is having me tattoo his name on her wrist next week. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, while having lunch with my grandparents, my grandpa's eyes glazed over, his head fell and he slumped in his chair. I started panicking and almost cried, thinking he was dead. Then he laughed and said "Just kidding. I'm fine." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was thinking about how people say if you're gradually introduced to a smell or you're forced to deal with enough, you'll stop noticing it. And how untrue that is. Especially when your roommates sneak a dead rabbit under your bed. FML

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By PO'd big bro - United States - Toccoa

Today, I had to call a few different women and explain to them that my little brother had catfished them. I had to do it because he is mute and my parents were too busy screaming at him. FML

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29898

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By Anonymous - United States - Spring

Today, my boss got mad at me because I told her that I wouldn't be able to work two days out of the week, due to college classes. She then cut back my hours so much that I now only work one day a week. I got the job in the first place to pay for my college classes. FML

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21105

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By Kolkata - Canada

Today, my son surprised me on my birthday with tickets to a concert I really wanted to see. I was excited, especially since I planned to buy them but couldn't due to the fact it was too expensive. I was ecstatic, until I found out he'd stolen my credit card to buy them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at work I got an urgent message from my boyfriend that there was an emergency and I should come home immediately. I took my last personal day of the month and drove the half-hour home. The emergency? The cat had vomited on the comforter. FML

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By Domo731 - United States - Johnson City

Kinky.

Today, I drank from a soda can that was on my floor. Unfortunately, it was my boyfriend’s pee. He was too lazy to go to the bathroom. FML

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By WellFineThen - United States - Cedar Falls

Today, at work, a woman screamed at me and called me a bitch because I refused to refund something we give away for free. FML

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By Fatty - Canada

Today, I was making out with this guy that I like. In an attempt to be romantic, he tried to pick me up and press me against the wall. He couldn't lift me off the ground. FML

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43137

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By dumbbus - United Kingdom - Stockton-on-tees

Today, I got an expensive return bus ticket to visit my family 200 miles away. I accidentally tore the ticket when taking it from the machine, but the driver said not to worry, as it would still be accepted on the way back. Guess who's still 200 miles from home. FML

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By God hates me - United States

Today, the pharmacy lady wished me a happy birthday. I was buying the morning after pill. FML

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By ssjfml - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, while enjoying the nice weather in a park, I opened my eyes to the sight of some guy jacking off, half-hidden behind a tree. FML

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By iLikeMyLegs - Canada - Oshawa

Today, I was rushed to the ER due to a very swollen foot and high fever. The doctors said I just have a tissue infection but my parents believe I have a flesh eating disease. I can hear them discussing my future with an amputated leg. FML

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By privatebathroomneeded - United States - San Francisco

Today, I needed to take a dump at school. As soon as I sat down, somebody else walked in. I'm extremely poop-shy, so I was forced to wait for several minutes while they styled their hair and applied makeup. After they left, I breathed a sigh of relief. Then someone else walked in. FML

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By karmaiguess

Today, I saw the guy I bullied during elementary school and tried to apologize to him. Instead, he took out a knife and stabbed me. I'm currently in the ER. FML

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2306

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By monsterdanceman - United States - Ozark

Today, I tried to tackle my fear of heights by riding a rollercoaster. Once we were near the top, it malfunctioned, causing it to stop, and we all had to get out and climb back down. My girlfriend laughed at me for how scared I was. FML

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By Shortcake - Canada - Pitt Meadows

Today, what started as my mom calling my grandma for a recipe turned into them discussing the philosophical reason behind my baking. I apparently picked up baking because I'm depressed over unemployment. And here I thought I just liked the smell of baked goods. FML

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22070

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By jzappe - United States

Today, I learned that it takes about half an hour to get melted cheese out of your hair. FML

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23770

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By Lunar-Spice

Free the Flow!

Today, I went to take a shower. I noticed a funky smell, but I just assumed it was from whoever had been there last. When I pulled the shower curtain back, I found out that my sister has stopped using feminine hygiene products for her period. It looked like someone had died in the bathtub. FML

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By Anonymous - Israel

Today, I finally felt ready for intimacy with my boyfriend, and I sent him a sexy picture of myself topless. He texted back, "Ewwwww." FML

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By meach - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because of a bad haircut. She was the one who cut my hair. FML

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39690

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By WartCream - United States - Olathe

Today, I was watching TV with my boyfriend, when a weird wart-removal ad came on. He watched in disgust as the lady's wart said rude things to her. Then he looked at me and said seriously, "I'm glad yours don't talk..." FML

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44554

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By Danielle Heichelbech - 8/11/2020 08:02 - United States

Chemical warfare

Today, my 28-year-old husband lifted one cheek, strained so hard I thought he'd shat himself, and screamed, "Fire one!" as he released from his ass a stench so awful all my eyebrows and eyelashes are now permanently curly. FML

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871

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124

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By tellingthetruth - United Kingdom - Studley

Today, the subject of penis size came up while my boyfriend and I were chatting. He asked if he was big, and I replied that whatever size he was, he was enough to satisfy me. Apparently, that was the wrong answer, and he spent the rest of the night sulking because I didn't say he was enormous. FML

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By Bekah - United States

Today, I finished reading a book about the treatment of mental patients and decided to use some of the strategies on my dad. We've never gotten along better. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my wife gave me back my camera which she took on vacation to visit her parents with our 2-year old. I noticed the picture sequence had big gaps in the numbering. I ran an undelete on the card, and found 80+ pictures of her naked with another guy in her mom's bedroom. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I fell and impaled my leg on a steel rod at work. The first guy to respond to my agonised cry for help must’ve been a total moron because he thought it was a prank and yanked on the rod to see how it worked. Then he asked if I did it on purpose to get a day off. FML

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Top comments

By amoyer0418 | 1

#2029928 - Monday 31 January 2011 16:14

wow... I'd throw him out

By sugarcoated | 1

#2029955 - Monday 31 January 2011 16:21

Wow, he might actually be the biggest jackass in the whole world. Way to ruin the best day of your life.

I'd say punch him, not just throw him out.

COMMENTS

By amoyer0418 | 1

#2029928 - Monday 31 January 2011 16:14

wow... I'd throw him out

unfortunate_13 | 5

#2030016 - Monday 31 January 2011 16:48

but first you have to humiliate him publicly by announcing what he just did in a speech

MLuckyCapoeirist | 6

#2030621 - Monday 31 January 2011 21:09

You should have organised a special "wedding boss lynching"

By saleha97 | 4

#2029943 - Monday 31 January 2011 16:17

nice thing to remember from your wed. :)

By sugarcoated | 1

#2029955 - Monday 31 January 2011 16:21

Wow, he might actually be the biggest jackass in the whole world. Way to ruin the best day of your life.

I'd say punch him, not just throw him out.

Sathian | 0

#2030004 - Monday 31 January 2011 16:39

Agreed.

vettle | 6

#2030655 - Monday 31 January 2011 21:23

yes

By perdix | 29

#2029961 - Monday 31 January 2011 16:21

Now you can have a nice honeymoon under a local bridge.

By the way, did he bring a shitty gift?

By tiffie29 | 5

#2029965 - Monday 31 January 2011 16:22

Aww damn that sucks, hopefully you still had a good time!

By enoughgrace | 4

#2030007 - Monday 31 January 2011 16:42

YDI!!! ... the "got married" part I mean... you deserve marriage...

By UpsidedownKayak | 9

#2030010 - Monday 31 January 2011 16:47

Wow, that was the most thoughtful gift, ever. He could clearly see how much you were in love and decided to give you all the time in the world to be with your loving bride. What a swell guy!

By hollylollyxoxo | 0

#2030058 - Monday 31 January 2011 17:20

would be* too happy....

By DocBastard | 38

#2030062 - Monday 31 January 2011 17:22

At Jewish weddings, it is tradition to step on a glass and smash it.

I hope you substituted your ex-boss' balls for the glass.

By pike1346 | 3

#2030075 - Monday 31 January 2011 17:32

people are assholes. you should have spit in his face