Work: Today, I got married and I'd invited everyone from work including...

By freckleboy422 - United States

Today, I got married and I'd invited everyone from work including my boss. His way of congratulating me was to mention that I'm out of a job. He said it was a good time to do it because he thought I would be too happy or too drunk to care. FML

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Work

Very fishy

On yer bike

Trans women are women

By spiderwoman - Iceland - Reykjav

Today, while walking home, I really had to pee, so I decided to do my business in some high grass just off the street. When I got home, I felt an itch between my butt cheeks. I went to the bathroom to check it out, and a dead, apparently crushed spider fell out of my underwear. FML

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By Starter656

Today, I'm the designated driver for a Christmas party I wasn't even invited to. Not only do I get to watch people have a good time, but I'm also supposed to not get involved in the party. FML

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By GeeThanksMom

Today, I’m having knee surgery. I can’t drive for the next week because of the heavy duty pain killers, so my mom told me I'll have to walk to and from school. It’s only a couple of miles. FML

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By youngboob - United States - Topeka

Today, after my dad trying every bait, hormone, and poison, the cockroaches in this apartment have gone crazy. They are trying to kill themselves. One tried to commit suicide, by suffocation, in my mouth this morning. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Belle River

Today, at a house party, I finally got the guy I've been seeing alone in his room. We started making out, and I got on top of him to take control. He responded by saying he couldn't do it because he needed to go make pizza for his friends, and then bolted out of the room. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my boyfriend of four years decided that the best way to break up with me was to move out of our apartment while I was at work, and then text me a video of himself having sex with another girl. FML

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By Unknown - Canada

Today, I turned off my boyfriends Xbox while he was playing because I wanted to talk to him about getting more serious with our relationship. As I did so, he said, "that's not the only thing you just turned off" and promptly broke up with me. FML

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By BigDT

Today, I had a testicular ultrasound. The ultrasound tech was a very attractive woman. This is the first time in the past four and a half years a woman has touched my package, and I had to get health issues to make it happen. FML

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By no spank - 11/8/2020 20:01

The Breeders

Today, my family once again mocked and insulted me for being the only one to not spank my kids. Apparently, they’ll grow up entitled and in prison if I don’t. Odd, seeing as my kids are 10 times better behaved than their kids, who get spanked on a regular. Ah well, here’s to hitting kids I guess. FML

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By CollegeKid - United States - Urbana

Today, I found out all six classes I'm taking have finals on the same day. This is my first semester in college. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went over to my girlfriend's house for dinner. Her parents seemed upset, so I tried to lighten the mood by saying, "Hey, at least the weekend is coming up and you guys won't have to go in for work." Apparently, they were upset because they both got laid off from their jobs today. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a guy hit on me. It's such a rare occurrence that I didn't know how to react, so I panicked and said "Sorry, I have to go!" Then I remembered we were on a bus, and just turned around and awkwardly pretended he wasn't there. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2021 15:01 - Australia - The Oaks

Sorry, but it's a no

Today, after years of battling mental health and unemployment, I was rejected from a job packing tomatoes. Apparently I'm unsuitable for even the most basic work. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Berlin

Today, I excitedly told my brother I submitted a short story for a competition for the first time ever. His reply? "Congrats. I guess the first letter of rejection is a special occasion." Gee, thanks for that reality check. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Langley

Today, I let my son take my car out for a spin, since he just got his licence. He didn't make it out of our street before totaling it. FML

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By emasculated 10000% - Sweden - Ljungby

Today, I was out with my grandma when a pair of very shady guys approached us in the street, hands in their pockets. Without breaking stride, she pulled a knife out of her handbag and told them they'd better keep walking. They did. What the fuck, gran? FML

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By Elizabeth - United States

Today, I called my boyfriend to let him know that after he gets off work, he can find me in his room wearing something sexy. He responded with, "Please don't touch anything." FML

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By TheDumper - United States - Chandler

Today, and for the last week, I've resorted to driving myself to the nearest corner store to take my daily dump. I'm doing this because I recently moved in with my boyfriend, and I'm afraid he'll be disgusted at how often I clog the toilet. FML

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By theatreismylife - United States

Today, I was sitting next to the guy I like and he was doing homework. Then, he looks up, his eyes meeting mine. His smooth voice mutters my name as his face inches closer to mine. I can feel his minty breath against my face. My pulse is racing. Then, he says "What's a pronoun?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Roswell

Today, at a post-Christmas party, I saw a cute girl standing underneath a mistletoe. I walked up to her and pointed out that we were both standing under a mistletoe. She looked at me, winced, and quickly walked away. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while getting it on with my boyfriend, I decided to be spontaneous and do something sexy. I started taking his underwear off with my teeth. My teeth dragged over his shaft, and my braces cut up his foreskin in the process. Now he's not talking to me. FML

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By ksmith - United States

Today, I finally noticed that my wife only shaves her bush when she goes on "business trips." FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, I thought my mom and I could put aside our differences and open our Christmas presents. When she opened mine, she turned to my dad and said she didn't want the present, so I could give it to someone else. 'Tis the season. FML

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By Spongebob Garypants - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, I went into my kitchen after placing a line of salt across the floor in front of the back door the night before to ward off slugs that keep getting in, only to find 12 idiotic slugs dead and shrivelled up, leaving a horrible gooey mess. I don't know why I expected any intelligence from them. FML

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By Robert - United States - Drummond Island

Today, I pulled my motorcycle into a wheelie when my crush drove by. She was the one who drove me to the hospital when I went over backward. FML

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By cadillacfrank - United States

Today, I was dared to eat durian. With my reputation hanging in the balance, I bought one. Only after I opened it did I realize the extent of the dare. It smelled and tasted like dried cat shit that Satan himself had regurgitated. FML

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By xx-look-at-xx - France - Auriol

Today, I was supervising some kids, who were playing on a bouncy castle. One of them managed to kick me in the face during a jump, and looking for an apology, I asked, "What do you say?" He paused, then shouted, "HEADSHOTTTTT!" FML

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By sicufovoshxbsjdk - United States

Today, my grandma bought me a cemetery plot for my birthday. If that's not weird enough, it's about a 2 mile walk from where the rest of my family will be buried. FML

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By hottygirl905 - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Today, I found out I have a kidney infection. Now I'm forced to drink at least 4 glasses of water before going to bed. I also have to be woken up every two hours to be told to, "GO PEE BEFORE YOU DIE!" by my mother. FML

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By spellbound - Australia - Perth

Today, someone painted the "Dark Mark" on the side of my car. It won't come off and my kids refuse to get in because it means "a wizard died in there." FML

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By dude - United States

Today, I was walking downtown when a bum approached me for some change. I planned to give a couple dollars but after pulling out my wallet exposing my cash, the bum beat me unconscious. The bum is a 5'0" tall woman; I'm a 6'2" male out $200. FML

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By brenami - United States

Today, I took my daughter to the grocery store. The bag boy seemed to be flirting with me and smiling. He had to be half my age. Once in the car I glimpsed myself in the rear view mirror. I had chocolate completely covering one of my front teeth. FML

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By bruisedandconfused - United States - Aberdeen

Today, two days after sending her flowers for Valentine's Day, my dream girl asked me on a date. She didn't show up. Her boyfriend did though. FML

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By n/a - United States

Today, I was working at a children's play centre, and my stomach was twisting and turning. Thinking no one was around, I let out a small fart, only to turn and see a little girl running to her mom yelling, "Mommy-mommy that lady just farted and it sounded like daddy!" FML

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By ohtheirony - United States - Reno

Today, while trying to explain to my friends what an anxiety attack is like, I had an anxiety attack. FML

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By Jenna Berreth

Ask first, snoop later

Today, I was trying to find my missing purple pen in the house I share with my boyfriend and his 57 year-old mother. I checked her room just in case, only to open a drawer and be greeted by a dildo. I’m never going to unsee that. FML

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By why - United States - Tucson

Today, I caught my boyfriend cheating on me. He claimed it wasn't cheating because he's not romantically attracted to her. FML

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By Flaps - United States

Today, my boss fired me for being on Facebook at work. He did it via a wall post on Facebook saying, "ur fired." Six of my friends liked this. FML

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By Machine - Japan

Today, I asked to borrow my fat friend's pants for a semi-formal activity tomorrow. I figured I'd just get a belt to hold the pants up. Turns out, the pants fit me. FML

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By seekerglow176 - United States - Natick

Today, I had to go to the emergency room with my sister, due to involuntary muscle spasms she was having. They gave her a muscle relaxer which caused her to be extremely tired and loopy. She decided to start singing loudly with a song she made up about butt fucking. FML

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Top comments

By amoyer0418 | 1

#2029928 - Monday 31 January 2011 16:14

wow... I'd throw him out

By sugarcoated | 1

#2029955 - Monday 31 January 2011 16:21

Wow, he might actually be the biggest jackass in the whole world. Way to ruin the best day of your life.

I'd say punch him, not just throw him out.

COMMENTS

By amoyer0418 | 1

#2029928 - Monday 31 January 2011 16:14

wow... I'd throw him out

unfortunate_13 | 5

#2030016 - Monday 31 January 2011 16:48

but first you have to humiliate him publicly by announcing what he just did in a speech

MLuckyCapoeirist | 6

#2030621 - Monday 31 January 2011 21:09

You should have organised a special "wedding boss lynching"

By saleha97 | 4

#2029943 - Monday 31 January 2011 16:17

nice thing to remember from your wed. :)

By sugarcoated | 1

#2029955 - Monday 31 January 2011 16:21

Wow, he might actually be the biggest jackass in the whole world. Way to ruin the best day of your life.

I'd say punch him, not just throw him out.

Sathian | 0

#2030004 - Monday 31 January 2011 16:39

Agreed.

vettle | 6

#2030655 - Monday 31 January 2011 21:23

yes

By perdix | 29

#2029961 - Monday 31 January 2011 16:21

Now you can have a nice honeymoon under a local bridge.

By the way, did he bring a shitty gift?

By tiffie29 | 5

#2029965 - Monday 31 January 2011 16:22

Aww damn that sucks, hopefully you still had a good time!

By enoughgrace | 4

#2030007 - Monday 31 January 2011 16:42

YDI!!! ... the "got married" part I mean... you deserve marriage...

By UpsidedownKayak | 9

#2030010 - Monday 31 January 2011 16:47

Wow, that was the most thoughtful gift, ever. He could clearly see how much you were in love and decided to give you all the time in the world to be with your loving bride. What a swell guy!

By hollylollyxoxo | 0

#2030058 - Monday 31 January 2011 17:20

would be* too happy....

By DocBastard | 38

#2030062 - Monday 31 January 2011 17:22

At Jewish weddings, it is tradition to step on a glass and smash it.

I hope you substituted your ex-boss' balls for the glass.

By pike1346 | 3

#2030075 - Monday 31 January 2011 17:32

people are assholes. you should have spit in his face