Today, I got married and I'd invited everyone from work including...

By freckleboy422 - 31/1/2011 09:28 - United States

Today, I got married and I'd invited everyone from work including my boss. His way of congratulating me was to mention that I'm out of a job. He said it was a good time to do it because he thought I would be too happy or too drunk to care. FML

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Work

Long story short

Yappy neighborhood

Ant life

By Anonymous - 5/11/2010 09:19 - Australia

Today, after moving house, changing my number, my email, and beginning legal action to get away from a girl who was stalking me, I decided to go to the movies to relax. As soon as I got in my seat, that same girl walked into the nearly empty theatre. She sat next to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2010 19:32 - United States

Today, while at work as a lifeguard, an older gentleman who comes in almost every morning wearing a very tight swimming suit, came up to me and said, "I don't want you having any erotic fantasies of me." After a long pause he added, "Actually, I wouldn't mind it if you do." FML

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By Noname - 21/1/2009 12:36 - Canada

Today, I woke up with this terrible toothache and called my mother for a lift to the dentist. This super-dentist-chick enters in and says: "Nice to meet you, your mother just told me you're afraid of dentists?" I'm 29. FML

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By Stuckism - 15/9/2009 17:16 - Malaysia

Today, I got stuck in an elevator. The help-line tells me, "Don't touch the door. We'll be there soon". Two hours later, I've got a headache, my legs are stiff and my date must think I stood her up. The tech finally arrives, pries the door open, then rudely asks, "Why didn't you do that yourself?" FML

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By Renée - 25/8/2018 03:30

Today, I found out that my husband lied a few nights ago and was actually drinking with another woman at her house till after midnight. This woman is his best friend’s ex-fiancée, and she's been hitting on my husband for as long as I can remember. FML

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By seriously! - 19/3/2013 05:00 - Australia - Sydney

Today, while working in childcare, we went to a farm so the kids could see how things worked. They started showing off prize winning cattle and when they bought out "Miss Stacey", the kids lost their shit. My name is Miss Stacey. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/4/2020 17:00

Spooky

Today, I work as a RGN in an old victorian-style nursing home. Due to Covid-19, we've lost many residents, one passing just the night prior while I was with him. This morning, the TV turned on its own at nearly 4 a.m. in the lounge, and one of the HCAs reported stuff falling off in the corridor. FML

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By Username - 10/8/2011 12:36 - United States

Today, my boyfriend leaned over and sniffed me like a dog. He does this almost every day, even in front of people sometimes. FML

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By beriles - 15/1/2010 05:25 - United States

Today, I was sitting next to the guy I am trying to get close to while we were at the bar. Music was playing, so I thought that while his attention was diverted I would sneak out a yawn. Just as I did so, the music went silent and I let out a tremendous burp. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2013 02:55 - Canada

Today, I was reading a book in bed when my dad came to check whether or not I was asleep. To avoid any conversation, I pretended that I was. Turns out he was just checking whether he and my mom could have sex while I was fast asleep. I couldn't plug my ears in time. FML

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By kindgartin - 23/4/2011 09:26 - Canada

Today, I was listening to my son's teacher gossip about students whilst in the grocery store. I was thrilled when she described my son as "A model student". However, she then went on to say, "Which is surprising considering that his parents are trailer trash." FML

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By Twitchy - 14/9/2011 23:20 - Bahamas

Today, I watched a cat pounce on a small bird and rip it to shreds, feather by feather. It wouldn't have been any worse than mildly disturbing, had I not just spent the last 4 weeks nursing the bird back to health from a broken wing. FML

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By poop - 8/1/2011 01:31 - United States

Today, my boss decided to post a photo of a piece of crap on Facebook. He tagged me in it. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/6/2014 19:52 - United States

Today, I found out that the loving nickname my Chinese mother has been calling me my entire life essentially translates to "little retard". FML

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By van no gough - 22/3/2015 00:07 - United States - Springfield

Today, I went out with two friends for lunch. The van we took ran out of fuel, so we pushed it to a nearby gas station, a gas station suffering from a gas shortage. FML

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By happyshit - 13/10/2011 07:27 - United States

Today, I was driving when I saw someone pulled over on the side of the road. Wanting to help, I pulled over. In so doing, I ran over a nail, which popped my tire. The guy had just pulled over to pee. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2015 00:34 - United States - Mentor

Today, my daughter got her first period. Nobody was home but my husband. He didn't know what to do, except give her a sponge to put in her underwear. FML

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By iliketoastalot - 9/8/2011 17:38 - United States

Today, my boyfriend got arrested. For robbing my house. FML

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By Amanda - 10/3/2013 16:08 - Canada

Today, when I got home, my child had three bruises. My babysitter's excuse? "She hit me first". FML

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By George - 15/1/2013 20:53 - United States - Vancouver

Today, I got a new girlfriend. Unfortunately, the last girl I asked out just responded to my relationship request on Facebook. It's been 4 hours, and my new girlfriend already thinks I'm cheating on her. FML

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By WhoopteeDooDoo - 12/10/2011 22:47 - United States

Today, I pulled into the gas station to fill up only to realize I had forgot my wallet. By the time I went home, got it, and came back, the price had gone up eleven cents. FML

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By AwkwardMoments - 26/1/2017 14:00

Today, while napping on the couch, I had a very vivid dream about a girl I like. I woke up to my mother and father choking back laughter and recording me on their phones. I don't know what's worse: waking up with a boner in front of my parents or finding out I was also talking dirty in my sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2014 04:03 - United States - Meridian

Today, my guide dog sneezed so hard that it slammed its head on the floor and knocked itself out. I have to trust this dog with my life. FML

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By myboyfriendisweird - 5/1/2015 02:50 - United States - Phoenix

Today, after having sex with my boyfriend, we were cuddling when he grabbed his penis and made it say, "That was amazing! Thank you for the sex." He's 21 years old. FML

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By XxJennJennXxX - 20/1/2012 12:13 - United States

Today, I got fired. My coworker decided to imitate my voice, stand outside of my boss's office door, and say insulting things about his daughter. FML

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By Crystal_Nicole - 14/12/2013 05:05 - United States - Wichita

Today, my dog played dead just so I would leave him alone. FML

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By strikeout - 4/9/2009 02:47 - United States

Today, I skipped class to take the girl I like to the airport, and after giving her a goodbye hug I kissed her on the cheek. She laughed and said "Maybe we should discuss some boundaries when I get back." FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2013 08:14 - United States - Mansfield

Today, my wife brought my 5-year-old daughter to visit me at the office. My boss has a speech impediment, and when she heard it, she exclaimed, "Hey my daddy can sound just like you! Show him daddy! Show him!" FML

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By Missy - 9/9/2009 20:16 - United States

Today, I was sitting on a park bench with my very elderly grandfather while listening to music at a low volume. Suddenly, he turned to me and said very loudly, "I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD AIDS!" I received strange looks from everyone because he mistook my ear buds for a hearing aid. FML

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By Juju Bear - 8/3/2016 11:54 - France - Paris

Today, my girlfriend woke up, and half-asleep, muttered: "What time is it? Did the neighbours start drilling again?" I'll try harder to keep my farts in from now on. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2012 23:08

Today, my boyfriend and I were in bed making out. He then tried to unhook my bra. After a full minute of trying unsuccessfully, he shouted "Fuck you, bra!" before hiding his face in the pillows. FML

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By InTheDoghouse23 - 24/8/2009 21:25 - United States

Today, my wife and I had another couple over. My wife was beside me while we all talked in the kitchen. I turned to put something in the fridge, and the other couple went into the next room. Turning back, I groped my wife's breasts playfully. She screamed and slapped me. It wasn't my wife. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2009 03:42 - United States

Today, my roommate revealed that the reason he's so grumpy is because he hasn't gotten laid in a year. I'm his only female friend, and the entire time he talked to me, he stared at my chest. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/5/2018 19:00

Today, I introduced myself, Pete, to my new coworkers at a shipyard. An hour into my shift, everyone started calling me re-Pete because I have a bit of a stutter. FML

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By ohboy - 6/3/2009 00:51 - United States

Today, I was supposed to see an apartment. 30 minutes after I was to meet the owner, she still hadn't shown. I called her. When I got no response, I was annoyed and kept calling. Finally, she answered, said, "I'm in the hospital with my father. He just died. Please stop calling me," and hung up. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2014 15:43 - India - Mumbai

Today, I found a piece of erotic fiction on my brother's computer. It involved two lesbian teenagers, who just so happened to have the same names and physical descriptions as my sister and me. FML

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By lkvetched - 30/8/2016 17:23 - United States - Palestine

Today, I got food poisoning in the middle of the wilderness while hiking in a state park with my husband. I had to tend to nature several times before we reached our car. The only supplies I had was a bottle of water and a laminated trail map. It was part of an anniversary trip. How romantic. FML

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By Deborah - 27/10/2011 06:41 - United States

Today, I saw my upstairs neighbor outside getting the mail. She asked how my day was, and then apologized that the sound of her baby's crying through the walls kept me up last night. Apparently she heard me when I yelled at 2am for her fucking demon spawn to shut up. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2009 16:31 - United States

Today, I found out why my boyfriend gets so upset when I make jokes about him and his best guy friend being lovers. It's because they are. FML

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By thisisnotavirustrustme.exe - 18/4/2015 19:34 - United States - New City

Today, I discovered why my pet bird has been hiding behind my couch pillow lately. It's not because she was nesting, as I thought. She's been secretly tearing apart the whole couch from behind there instead. FML

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Top comments

By amoyer0418 | 1

#2029928 - Monday 31 January 2011 16:14

wow... I'd throw him out

By sugarcoated | 1

#2029955 - Monday 31 January 2011 16:21

Wow, he might actually be the biggest jackass in the whole world. Way to ruin the best day of your life.

I'd say punch him, not just throw him out.

COMMENTS

By amoyer0418 | 1

#2029928 - Monday 31 January 2011 16:14

wow... I'd throw him out

unfortunate_13 | 5

#2030016 - Monday 31 January 2011 16:48

but first you have to humiliate him publicly by announcing what he just did in a speech

MLuckyCapoeirist | 6

#2030621 - Monday 31 January 2011 21:09

You should have organised a special "wedding boss lynching"

By saleha97 | 4

#2029943 - Monday 31 January 2011 16:17

nice thing to remember from your wed. :)

By sugarcoated | 1

#2029955 - Monday 31 January 2011 16:21

Wow, he might actually be the biggest jackass in the whole world. Way to ruin the best day of your life.

I'd say punch him, not just throw him out.

Sathian | 0

#2030004 - Monday 31 January 2011 16:39

Agreed.

vettle | 6

#2030655 - Monday 31 January 2011 21:23

yes

By perdix | 29

#2029961 - Monday 31 January 2011 16:21

Now you can have a nice honeymoon under a local bridge.

By the way, did he bring a shitty gift?

By tiffie29 | 5

#2029965 - Monday 31 January 2011 16:22

Aww damn that sucks, hopefully you still had a good time!

By enoughgrace | 4

#2030007 - Monday 31 January 2011 16:42

YDI!!! ... the "got married" part I mean... you deserve marriage...

By UpsidedownKayak | 9

#2030010 - Monday 31 January 2011 16:47

Wow, that was the most thoughtful gift, ever. He could clearly see how much you were in love and decided to give you all the time in the world to be with your loving bride. What a swell guy!

By hollylollyxoxo | 0

#2030058 - Monday 31 January 2011 17:20

would be* too happy....

By DocBastard | 38

#2030062 - Monday 31 January 2011 17:22

At Jewish weddings, it is tradition to step on a glass and smash it.

I hope you substituted your ex-boss' balls for the glass.

By pike1346 | 3

#2030075 - Monday 31 January 2011 17:32

people are assholes. you should have spit in his face