Intimacy: Today, I got into a fight with my boyfriend. The only thing he... - FML

By noway - 10/08/2011 17:47 - Singapore

Spicy

Today, I got into a fight with my boyfriend. The only thing he could think of to cheer me up was to give me "permission" to give him a blowjob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 967

You deserved it 7 052

Mama's boy

Hiding from the drama

Weird reason to leave, but OK

By scotto - 23/02/2009 01:21 - United States

Today, I kissed my girlfriend and she tasted like a cigarette. I don't smoke. She doesn't smoke. My roommate does. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 362

You deserved it 3 448

By QuietGirlSucks - 30/08/2016 15:51 - United States - Baltimore

Today, I tried talking to the very quiet girl in my grade. We were having a conversation when a very hot guy walked into the cafeteria. I said to the girl, "The things I would do for him…" She looked at me dead in the eye and said, "That's my boyfriend." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 679

You deserved it 4 669

Stealth bomber

By Jogger - 19/08/2020 14:01

Today, I was standing in line at a coffee shop when the guy stood behind me let out a huge fart, then walked away. The rest of the line turned around, thinking that it was me. An old lady started to lecture me about being rude, while the guy who did it laughed behind his mask in the corner of the shop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 480

You deserved it 113

By anonymous - 19/04/2012 22:33 - United States - Westwood

Today, I witnessed a car accident. Being an experienced paramedic, I rushed to the scene to see if anyone needed help. As I assessed the people involved, one of them pickpocketed me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 608

You deserved it 2 062

Side effects

By Anonymous - 10/12/2020 23:01 - Netherlands

Spicy

Today, I’ve been horny for weeks on end. Because I’m on antidepressants, I can’t orgasm, so the horniness won’t go away. The only thing I do is go to the gym, where literally EVERYONE seems fuckable. While I’m not depressed anymore, my vagina is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 908

You deserved it 111

By colts609380 - 17/05/2012 21:07 - United States - Corona

Today, I finally gained the nerve to ask out the girl of my dreams. She responded by saying, "You need to lower your standards." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 781

You deserved it 3 101

By eaa145 - 03/03/2009 21:40 - United States

Spicy

Today, for my two-year anniversary I got my girlfriend a very expensive diamond necklace. She got me male enhancement pills. FML

I agree, your life sucks 158 079

You deserved it 18 190

Crisis

By Anonymous - 29/07/2020 23:00

Today, I had a customer throw his purchase at me and demand a refund after I told him that, due to the national change shortage, I couldn't give him his 38 cents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 321

You deserved it 314

By surefeelslikelove - 06/06/2011 16:01

Today, my mum was filling out a reference for me as I work in the family business. When it came to naming two of my strengths, she asked me what to put as she couldn't think of anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 271

You deserved it 4 705

By Grrr - 20/07/2012 07:58 - United States - Salem

Today, I was walking in my apartment when I felt something stab my foot. Thinking it was a piece of glass, I looked down. It was one of my roommate's toenail clippings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 253

You deserved it 2 063

By Trew Love - 03/05/2016 06:25 - Canada - Fort Saint John

Today, it's my birthday. I called my mom to thank her for the gift she'd sent. She was surprised and said, "Oh I thought you were waiting to open it." She ended the conversation with, "OK, I'll call you on your birthday." FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 027

You deserved it 1 353

Territorial

By Anonymous - 27/09/2011 19:53 - United States

Spicy

Today, a man punched me for sleeping with his wife. Bewildered, I insisted I would never sleep with a married woman, to which he retorted, "She wasn't my wife when it HAPPENED, dumbass!" I was assaulted for sleeping with my own girlfriend three years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 114

You deserved it 4 081

By Anonymous - 24/05/2018 19:00

Today, after submitting a 500-word essay to a writing contest, I found out that I lost to someone who wrote 3 sentences. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 900

You deserved it 478

IT'S ALL TOO MUCH!

By scott - 10/06/2020 20:08

Today, my daughter had an anxiety attack. Why? Because I told her she needs to be making her bed every day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 265

You deserved it 340

By Anonymous - 27/03/2015 08:17 - Canada - North Vancouver

Today, I was told at my babysitting job that I can't bring my toddler with me. My employer is my best friend. Now I have to find a babysitter for my kid if I want to babysit hers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 808

You deserved it 2 872

By Grevling - 20/07/2009 19:07 - Norway

Today, I found out that the guy I've been dating for the past 7 months, who insisted on keeping us a secret because it was "too soon", is proudly showing off his new 19 year old girlfriend he met a month ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 274

You deserved it 6 180

By handymandy - 19/01/2012 11:44 - United States

Today, we received our honeymoon itinerary. Our travel agent booked our flight to Punta Cana correctly. Too bad she booked us a hotel in Orlando, Florida. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 955

You deserved it 2 592

By Acneface - 28/06/2009 00:55 - France

Today, I got my hair done, eyebrows waxed, and a new expensive dress to impress my boyfriend. When I got home I asked him if he noticed anything different about me. He looked at me for one minute before asking, "Did you finally start using Proactive?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 096

You deserved it 5 791

Saturday night fever

By Anonymous - 14/06/2020 08:09

Today, I was arrested on my 25th birthday and thrown in jail overnight for impersonating myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 587

You deserved it 154

By JAY22 - 26/03/2009 11:41 - United States

Spicy

Today, this girl and I were chilling in my apartment and things got heated up and we started making out. One thing lead to another and the next thing I knew she was giving me head. I was getting ready to bust when she stopped, looked up into my eyes and said "Do you believe in Jesus?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 223 606

You deserved it 35 674

By boomstick - 25/09/2009 13:09 - United States

Today, I pulled a bee off of my friend's dog because we were worried he could be allergic. Of course I got stung, and of course the dog wasn't allergic. Turns out I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 540

You deserved it 5 358

By Anonymous - 24/12/2015 18:06 - United States - Kennewick

Today, I told my friend I was considering adopting a dog. She looked at me like I was Satan and went on a rant about how dogs are "born evil" and will always maul someone given the chance. I still have the marks from when one of her psycho cats sliced open my arm last month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 741

You deserved it 1 722

By Kelly - 26/05/2019 20:30

Today, my mom dropped me off at a friend's house. Upon leaving, my friend's mom said how much I looked like my mother. My mother then replied, "That's funny, she was adopted." This was the first I'd heard of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 292

You deserved it 135

By Anonymous - 08/11/2018 12:00

Today, my husband came home from the hospital after having 6 gangrenous toes amputated because he hasn't been treating his diabetes properly. Not half an hour after he got home, I caught him sneaking sweets from a hiding place in his toolbox. He's already lost the bag with his medication in it. Again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 407

You deserved it 312

Poisoned chalice

By Anonymous - 27/04/2020 08:00

Today, I inherited a lot of money from a great aunt that I had forgotten about. Her immediate family are all scumbags who were only after her money, so she willed it to me and my mom to say "fuck you" to them from beyond the grave. Now I keep getting threatening phone calls. Thanks auntie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 938

You deserved it 422

By anonymous - 15/07/2013 01:07 - United States - La Pine

Today, my boyfriend and I were furniture shopping. They had miniature versions built of some of the desks. He commented how they were "cute for little kids" to use. They were 6 inches tall. I had to explain to him that they were only models, not real desks. I'm dating Zoolander. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 781

You deserved it 5 133

By apawn - 22/07/2016 19:25

Today, I had the option of choosing a train or a plane to get to my destination. The train was cheaper but took 4 hours longer, so I picked the plane. My flight was delayed, so I essentially paid more to arrive later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 520

You deserved it 1 757

Bye Herbie

By Anonymous - 17/11/2020 04:56 - United States - Marietta

Today, after hours of waiting and $300 spent, I find out my transmission is dying. My car is old, so the price of rebuilding it is more than it's worth. That's money well spent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 759

You deserved it 81

By jadehin - 08/11/2010 01:09 - United States

Today, I had a small gathering of family and friends over to celebrate my son's baptism. One of my friends happens to be a police officer. The entire event consisted of him arresting three of my family members. Don't worry, he came back to get some cake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 358

You deserved it 4 384

By wtf - 09/06/2011 15:04 - United Kingdom

Today, I shat out a staple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 545

You deserved it 17 947

By Anonymous - 26/04/2018 01:30

Today, my boyfriend decided to fart in our bathtub to see if it would echo. It wasn’t a fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 413

You deserved it 386

By person_r - 21/07/2009 12:03 - Norway

Today, my wife is divorcing me because she wants to party more with her friends alone. One year ago, I followed her to Norway, where her family lives. I left my friends, family and job opportunities (which were very good) in order to live with her. Now I am shoveling shit on a horse farm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 522

You deserved it 12 560

By SCARRED - 29/08/2014 20:15 - United States - Kansas City

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my dad giving my mom a striptease. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 648

You deserved it 7 544

By Anonymous - 26/09/2012 17:37 - Australia - Engadine

Today, some kid decided to pee in the kids' play area at work. Because I was the shortest employee working at the time, I got to climb through the area to mop it up, while all the kids pointed and laughed at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 338

You deserved it 1 821

Devious, the lot of them

By Anonymous - 27/09/2020 23:03

Today, I was out walking with a cute girl when we passed by a house with a Trump sign. Trying to make her laugh, I went to steal it. Turns out it was booby trapped. I got drenched by a sprinkler when I got close. FML

I agree, your life sucks 476

You deserved it 2 192

By gonebabygone - 27/08/2009 06:58 - United States

Today, I discovered that my parents rooted through our house looking for junk to sell at a garage sale. They sold all of my books from my bookshelf. When I freaked, out my mom said 'well you never read them'. There was about $300 hidden between the pages of those books. They made $60. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 129

You deserved it 9 511

By rongo12 - 11/05/2012 21:41

Today, I was heading to the bathroom when I clearly saw a little boy walking into my bedroom. My wife and I live alone, and I screamed at the top of my lungs, thinking he was a ghost. Turns out my wife collected him from school for a friend, and I just didn't hear them arrive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 657

You deserved it 6 776

By Anonymous - 16/06/2013 06:37 - United States - Denver

Today, I had my last orchestra concert and had a large solo. My dad came to watch and record it; however, the whole time he recorded another girl, thinking it was me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 545

You deserved it 3 208

By Dinho - 15/05/2009 21:22 - United States

Today, I was in a public bathroom, and a little boy walks in and he has an accident. He asked if I could help him clean it up. So I decided to help. I started to walk to him to assist him. That's when I walked straight into the pee and I slipped. My whole back was covered in pee. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 021

You deserved it 6 644

By the attention seeker - 17/04/2013 21:57 - United States - North Miami Beach

Today my mother met my in-laws for the first time. She had been an alcoholic and had us sent to foster care 15 years ago. My husband told his parents this behind my back a while ago. When they asked her about it, she denied everything. His entire family now thinks I lie for attention. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 857

You deserved it 4 293

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Top comments

perdix 29

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Thursday 11 August 2011 0:15

If he really wanted to make you happy, he'd give you permission to blow a guy with a real-sized dick.

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Thursday 11 August 2011 0:03

That sucks. I'm sorry /:

Comments

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Thursday 11 August 2011 0:03

That sucks. I'm sorry /:

LiveLaughFML 10

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Thursday 11 August 2011 0:07

he may wear the pants in your relationship, but remember, us females buckle the belt! ;D

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Thursday 11 August 2011 0:08

it wouldn't suck if she sucked

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Thursday 11 August 2011 0:10

At least he didn't rob your house or sniff you every day...

shannonreneee 11

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Thursday 11 August 2011 0:10

If all matters could but solved by blowjobs there'd be no hate in the world. Hehe

Iamnotmyself 17

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Thursday 11 August 2011 0:11

No make up sex? Your relationship is screwed.

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Thursday 11 August 2011 0:12

12- haha I'm pretty sure every girl would love to do that when they are upset

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Thursday 11 August 2011 0:16

It doesn't suck, because it cheered you up(:

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Thursday 11 August 2011 0:36

I hate hearing about men like this, what assholes

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Thursday 11 August 2011 1:36

Then you also have permission to dump him.

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Thursday 11 August 2011 2:16

fml reference

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Thursday 11 August 2011 2:41

Dump him find someone who would actually get you ice-cream or tickle you to cheer you up

evry1_luvs_butts 7

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Thursday 11 August 2011 3:22

What an ass of a bf

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Thursday 11 August 2011 5:08

Depends on the tone when he said it. I know that I fuck around like that a lot and to most guys, meaning only me, it's not a big deal. Women over-analyze a lot more than is needed. That being said, I am a dick and I know that. 17- In my world everything is solved like that.

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Thursday 11 August 2011 5:12

Bite him, BITE HIM! Auto permission to castrate!

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Thursday 11 August 2011 5:25

You dont get the sarcasm and hidden humor? "that sucks"? Blowjob? Lmao

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Thursday 11 August 2011 5:42

he was just trying to cheer her up, no need for people to say bite his penis and slap nitroglycerin on his balls

idancewithrev 0

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Thursday 11 August 2011 5:45

you can then give him permission to masterbate

thesparkman97 0

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Thursday 11 August 2011 6:34

Sounds like a logical solution?

YacL 15

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Thursday 11 August 2011 6:34

116- I recall no one saying anything about nitroglycerin.

hoodasswhitekid 0

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Thursday 11 August 2011 7:08

39- suck on it.

YourEvilHero 12

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Thursday 11 August 2011 7:13

ice cream over a blowjob?... sure!

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Thursday 11 August 2011 7:31

bite his penis off. hahahahahahahaha.

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Thursday 11 August 2011 8:04

What's wrong with that?

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Thursday 11 August 2011 8:34

Why would he "masterbate" when he can masturbate?

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Thursday 11 August 2011 11:01

How about you, stupid woman, cheer him up?!

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Thursday 11 August 2011 11:23

@ #106: And that means permission for him to separately rip her 4 lady lips off. Female Genital Cutting for the win!

a_nutritionist 10

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Thursday 11 August 2011 14:37

@75 not everyone is after a guy who panders to your emotions like a lost puppy. some people want guys who are in a relationship with equal power to both partners. sounds crazy i know, but its actually true. im one of them. @OP you got into a fight with him and hes supposed to cheer you up? ok, if the fight was about how he hooked up with some other girl or something i can understand, but just generally you dont just expect the guy to have to cheer you up after a fight, thats insane.

Drigr 9

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Thursday 11 August 2011 15:41

especially since 9 times out of 10, the girl caused it. that tenth time it was cause the bf cheated or looked at some other girl wrong or got caught watching porn

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Sunday 14 August 2011 3:48

Logical to me.

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Thursday 22 March 2012 0:45

Well I hope you got right down on your knees...

Thursday 11 August 2011 0:04

Slave!

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Thursday 11 August 2011 2:33

Shes a disobedient one.

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Thursday 11 August 2011 5:44

how do you know she didn't do it?

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Thursday 11 August 2011 7:01

do you really just have one ear gauged

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Thursday 11 August 2011 12:34

I have aswell...

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Sunday 14 August 2011 21:57

It was magnets... I wouldnt get a gauge.

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Thursday 11 August 2011 0:05

Lmfao

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Thursday 11 August 2011 0:06

Seems like a BJ is the only way for redemption :O Personally, I'd say not worth it.

genesisnirvana 11

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Thursday 11 August 2011 0:29

I'd say worth it.BJs make everything better.

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Thursday 11 August 2011 8:26

Bukakke!

AwesomeNinjaGame 0

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Thursday 11 August 2011 9:41

Worth it! Bj's are nice ;)

a_nutritionist 10

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Thursday 11 August 2011 14:47

yes 159 we are all impressed because youre a sexually active female. now watch as all the guys pander to you and start sending PM's all fucking night. ...or will that just be me.

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Thursday 11 August 2011 0:06

Whipped.

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Thursday 11 August 2011 0:27

What other way to be?

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Thursday 11 August 2011 1:18

oh hi :) I think im in love

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Thursday 11 August 2011 2:30

Not exactly.

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Thursday 11 August 2011 4:33

Not exactly.

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Thursday 11 August 2011 0:07

Well at least it's permission? Cant help you out on this one :S

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Thursday 11 August 2011 0:07

Gotta do what you gotta do, I guess

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Thursday 11 August 2011 0:07

Hey sweetheart I know what will cheer you up, lock jaw!

sara_saturday 5

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Thursday 11 August 2011 6:16

that's funny!

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Thursday 11 August 2011 6:30

Ba-zinga

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Thursday 11 August 2011 0:07

haha what a gentleman

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Thursday 11 August 2011 0:09

Well, this is a bit sucky situation.

IndigoAcrylic 9

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Friday 12 August 2011 4:07

Ahaha!! xD

cmull 0

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Friday 12 August 2011 5:13

That's punny

Nearly

Today, I realized that I wore ripped jeand AND ripped boxers to work. Both ripped at the same place, in between the legs. The result was my looking down and seeing my dick halfway out of my trousers. I can't get up from my seat the rest of the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 0

You deserved it 0

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30

You deserved it 17

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 577

You deserved it 117

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 294

You deserved it 95