Kids: Today, I got home to the smell of permanent marker and the discovery...

By HGTV - United States - Boston

Today, I got home to the smell of permanent marker and the discovery that my roommate's little sister had drawn flower petals around every polka dot she could reach on my walls. I just put up the wallpaper last weekend. FML

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Kids

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Who's a good boy?

British Broadcasting Corporation

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried to email my Dad a picture of someone we knew that I'd found on the Internet. He called me later to inform me that I had actually sent him a picture of myself in a naughty school girl outfit that I'd taken for my husband. My mom was laughing her ass off. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, it's my birthday. My parents, whom I live with, told me that they did not get me anything, but instead they said they would knock off a bit of the housekeeping I owe them. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2020 08:02 - United States - Rockaway Park

Almost there, we're almost there…

Today, I was rushing to walk home because my stomach was upset. I dodged multiple people, getting closer and closer, got my front door open, got up my stairs, and then lost control of my bowels on the top step. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2020 14:00

Shocking reaction

Today, I was replacing some outlets for work and I got surprise-electrified. I threw my wire strippers in the air while yelling, "Oh fuck me." The homeowner and his 2 kids were standing 3 feet away. He was not happy. FML

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By sicufovoshxbsjdk - United States

Today, my grandma bought me a cemetery plot for my birthday. If that's not weird enough, it's about a 2 mile walk from where the rest of my family will be buried. FML

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By Liz - United States

Today, I thought an attractive guy was looking at my tits instead of my face, and prepared to act offended and perhaps flirt. Unfortunately, he was actually looking at the peeling and flaking sunburn in my cleavage, and informed me that Aloe might be helpful. FML

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By 27musiclover - United States

Today, my best friend told me I'm the friend who no one really likes. This was after I had bought her lunch, ice cream, and a ticket to a movie we were going to see that day. FML

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By andy1r - Bolivia

Today, my future mother-in-law gave me advice on life. One piece of advice was that I should leave her son. FML

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By not gay in AL - United States

Today, my dad seemed moody, so to lift his spirits, I told him I love him. He just snorted, "You gay or something, boy?" Really mature, dad, really mature. FML

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By cat lady - United States - Netcong

Today, I found out the reason why my cat would sometimes go outside for days at a time was because when she would go out, my neighbor would lure her in with cat treats and keep her there for up to 2 days. She's an indoor cat now. FML

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By O - Sweden

Today, my boss called me, furious about how I "never answer my phone", especially when important clients are trying to reach me, and how unprofessional I am. I make very sure to never miss any calls, my boss just keeps giving out the wrong number to people. FML

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By Lily - Austria - Vienna

Today, my doctor informed me that the tests we've been doing the previous months show no sign of leukemia. I was just about to express my relief when he casually followed up with, "Never mind, there's still a lot of other blood-related diseases we need to look out for." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Athens

Today, I wore a bikini to the lake with my parents. I didn't know that my back was covered in bruises, and ended up having to awkwardly explain to my parents that I am not in an abusive relationship; the bruises came from the sex I had last night. FML

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By GotMyBitchBack - United States - Zanesville

Today, I got home from work and found my dog missing. When I asked my neighbor if she saw what happened, I saw my dog sleeping on her couch. She tried to say it was hers. FML

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By Killme

Today, as a birthday present, my friends threw a surprise party for me. I was so surprised, I pissed myself in front of everyone, including my crush. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I promised my boyfriend a blow job every time he does the dishes. Every dish in the house has been washed three times already. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after leaving my mom's house, I got 4 text messages from her about how I was a terrible person for not saying goodbye to my sister when I left. The "sister" she was referring to is the family dog. FML

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By thegrandchawhee - United States - Yakima

Today, I was scheduled to fill in at the customer service counter where I work. Today was also the day that I allegedly accused a customer of being a thief, sold her a fraudulent money order, and will be sued for defamation of character. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/10/2020 15:02 - Estonia

I don't wanna

Today my mother, who was once shocked to realise that my older sister was having unmarried sex, told me to go and 'get some' because it's good for my health. I'm asexual. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Amsterdam

Today, I was cleaning up rabbit pee from the floor when my rabbit hopped up to me. To prevent her from standing in it and spreading it throughout the room, I shooed her away. She got such a fright that she jumped in the pee and spattered it all over my clothes and face. FML

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By Kebabjoon - Spain

Today, I had my first job interview for eight months. My interviewer noticeably yawned during my reply to the first question. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, driving home, my girlfriend and I decided we were finally going to have sex. We got in the backseat, then I opened my condom to find it was already broken. We ended up playing connect four instead. FML

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By FML - United States

Today, I spent 4 hours carefully cleaning the inside and outside of my car. Fairly proud of the job I had done, I parked my car safely in my garage. Later, I opened my garage to find bird shit all over my car. Apparently birds get nervous when they get trapped in garages. FML

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By cantunhear - United States - Fishkill

Today, my parents had a loud argument over who is worse in bed. FML

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By too eager - Australia - Hurstville

Today, I had a date with an amazing girl so in the shower I wanted to make sure I was extra clean. With the soaped up shower puff in hand I tried to get as much of my back as I could which led to me pushing too far and dislocating my shoulder. FML

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By foolishgirl - United States

Today, I emailed my boyfriend from work. Out of habit, I absent-mindedly entered my department into the "From" field. My boyfriend didn't notice when he replied. Now my entire department knows I want to "drop to my knees and suck him when I get home." And he plans to "finish on my face." FML

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By mohit

Today, I found out that my neighbor's son is supposed to be giving me gas money for driving him to school each morning. He's using it to buy drugs instead. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Seattle

Today, I learned that my girlfriend takes creepshots of me sleeping, and my mom likes them on her Instagram. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had the Monday meeting that I have had every week for 8 months. We had new people joining today. One of my bosses went around the room introducing people, and he forgot my name. I've been sitting across from him with a nametag for 8 months. FML

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By thesparrow - United States

Today, the girl whom I have loved for 4 years told me that she loved me too and would like to spend her life with me. This was before she told me that God did not want us to be together. FML

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By Sarah91

Today, I was lying on the bed with my boyfriend. We were watching his cell phone when an automatic reminder message came on the screen: "Do not forget to tell a lie to babe about going out this Friday". FML

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By no booze blues - 21/10/2020 08:01 - United States

Sweet dude

Today, I was cleaning out some cabinets and stumbled upon a bottle of vodka. Being a recovering alcoholic, I immediately flushed it down the toilet. When my boyfriend got home, instead of being proud of my victory, he bitched me out for wasting the good shit. That’s for the support babe. FML

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By Zoe123 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were at his house having sex. After about 30 minutes, his mom came home and was knocking on the door asking "What are you doing?" Thinking I might have a chance to sneak out, I got dressed real quiet. Then my boyfriend answers, "Zoe. I'm doing Zoe." FML

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By Like mother like daughter - United States - Aurora

Today, I had a talk with my daughter about how I hope her first boyfriend is a special one because 'spending the night' with a boy is a big deal. She replied with a giggle, "Mom, I lost my virginity in a parking lot three years ago!" FML

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By ronnieG - United States - Decatur

Today, my wife and I were having a fight, when she grabbed my car keys and threw them over into the neighbors overgrown junk yard. My car is a restored '59 Belvedere and the keys can't be replaced. I've been looking for hours and I still can't find them. FML

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By merrr - Canada

Today, I dropped my phone in the wet snow. I read that putting it in rice helps to get the water out. Three pieces of rice are now frozen into the power port, and I can't get the charger in. FML

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By kittyfiddlernono - Bulgaria - Pernik

Today, I went on a date with a seemingly really awesome guy. It went quite well, until dessert came and he started telling me why bestiality "isn't really so wrong, you know?" Riiiggghhttt. Looks like I'm still single. FML

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By unluckydude - Colombia - Tunja

Today, my co-worker thought it would be funny to tell her husband that she cheated on him with me. I'm scared to death and I don't dare to go out by myself. FML

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By Coldandshoeless - United States - Hackettstown

Today, I got home only to discover my dog was missing. After spending ages roaming the freezing streets calling his name, I returned to find him stuck behind the couch with my chewed-up new shoes in his muzzle. FML

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By effiestonem154 - United States

Today, the Chinese student I've been teaching English to got on stage in front of hundreds of people to read her final essay. She ended with, "What a fucking day." I don't swear, and I no longer have a job. FML

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Top comments

By TheCaramelKing | 11

#5698450 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 0:03

Make that bitch put up new wallpaper.

By PandaSmile | 24

#5698455 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 0:03

Not gunna lie I would be all over that shit. Dots are always just asking for petals.

COMMENTS

By addioty | 19

#5698449 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 0:02

Kids do the darndest things!

NeighSoulSister | 6

#5698608 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 1:51

I'm getting really tired of comments like this.

\ | 28

#5698618 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 1:58

If the roommate was there, it's her fault for not having watched over her sister.

addioty | 19

#5698793 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 4:59

Sorry. I guess I really wanted the top spot and became one of THOSE commentors. I apologize for the shitty comment :/

anonyeorge | 3

#5698808 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 5:11

did 1 really jus say "darnest" lol

ChevyRedneck85 | 13

#5698887 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 6:21

#55- nope they said darndest

By TheCaramelKing | 11

#5698450 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 0:03

Make that bitch put up new wallpaper.

diarheea101 | 11

#5713458 - Saturday 12 October 2013 19:06

maybe she doesn't know any better, but if she does than, yesh, she best.

By PandaSmile | 24

#5698455 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 0:03

Not gunna lie I would be all over that shit. Dots are always just asking for petals.

Allennis44 | 16

#5698780 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 4:52

Stay away from my dots

By Legendslayer222 | 26

#5698456 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 0:04

Why even bother with wallpaper when you have such a budding artist ready to do the decorating for you?

By DocBastard | 38

#5698459 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 0:05

You shouldn't have put up polka dot wallpaper in the first place. You were begging for some little girl graffiti with that tacky shit.

TogeBara | 12

#5698642 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 2:20

you are a right dick aren't you

mif_fml | 27

#5698644 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 2:22

No, definitely a left dick.

DocBastard | 38

#5698659 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 2:50

TogeBara - You did notice my name, right? There is a reason it isn't DocReallyNiceGuy.

poppyseed420 | 9

#5698973 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 8:31

Honesty tends to be brutal

By lovethesidewalk | 19

#5698460 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 0:05

Your roommate should fix it. Make him/her redo the wallpaper.

By gh0sthunter | 6

#5698466 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 0:06

probably because the higher she reached the higher she got.

SoliDSt33L | 33

#5698528 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 0:34

Sharpies haven't been made that way for several years.

By japajo | 2

#5698467 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 0:07

Draw over it with dry erase marker...no more petals.

alshygirl | 14

#5698797 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 5:00

How would that help?

Treveyon56 | 14

#5698838 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 5:29

Apparently 8 doesn't know what permanent means.

lexa1love | 16

#5698862 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 5:46

Depending on what the surface was drawing over a permanent with a dry erase will break down the permanent and allow it to be erased like a dry erase marker.