Today, I got home to the smell of permanent marker and the discovery...

By HGTV - 1/10/2013 18:43 - United States - Boston

Today, I got home to the smell of permanent marker and the discovery that my roommate's little sister had drawn flower petals around every polka dot she could reach on my walls. I just put up the wallpaper last weekend. FML

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Kids

Crowded House

Nice neighborhood

Not a cheating!

By Obviously works everywhere - 20/9/2017 23:15

The customer is always a dong

Today, a customer filed a formal complaint with corporate about me, because I wouldn't help her find things she wanted while I was off the clock. We were in a completely different store than the one where I actually work. FML

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By gingerninja - 2/11/2010 17:43 - United Kingdom

Today, our class was focusing on discrimination, and our teacher asked us if anyone had ever felt discriminated against. I put my hand up to share a story, and my teacher immediately said "It's because you're ginger, isn't it?" That's not what I was going to say. FML

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By guest - 19/6/2014 01:14 - United States - Agoura Hills

Today, I became the town racist for saying "black" instead of "African-American". I'm black. FML

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By nobodywasthere - 29/11/2017 01:30

Today, I explained to my teacher that I wasn't at school yesterday due to three doctor appointments for my moderate epilepsy. Yesterday was senior skip day. She gave me detention for lying. FML

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By StantheMan93 - 2/2/2015 23:59 - United States - Perrysburg

Today, my wife's boyfriend learned that you can't flush condoms. FML

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By Almostlovedchild - 20/1/2017 18:00

Today, my father made a post on Facebook with an old baby picture, saying how proud he was that I got into college. This would have been sweet if the baby picture was actually of me. FML

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By amelie - 9/12/2018 05:00

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me. While getting on one knee, he farted. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/1/2014 21:50 - United Kingdom

Today, my son was playing The Sims, when I saw him remove the door to a room and set it on fire with a Sim trapped inside. I chuckled at first, until I saw that the Sim was me. Meanwhile, my wife's Sim was happily painting in the next room, not giving a crap. All too accurate, sadly. FML

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By Ropebunnbon - 15/8/2018 13:00

Today, after leaving for the city inspector to make sure everything was up to code, my husband and I remembered that we'd forgotten to take down the rope bondage setup and equipment in the closet. We came home to paperwork on the kitchen counter and the closet door open. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2013 06:19 - United States

Today, I was getting intimate with my boyfriend, when my upstairs neighbor decided to take the longest piss known to man. He moaned the entire time. FML

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By Crystal Crackles - 6/12/2018 05:00

Today, I used my rear windsheild wiper and it shattered a large hole in the glass where the rotating part is. No one can repair the window until tomorrow afternoon. It's snowing. FML

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By skinsfan7592 - 8/2/2010 15:19 - United States

Today, my dad and I had an argument. Then we went outside to shovel the snow out of the driveway. I heard him yelling and figured he was just yelling at me some more, so I turned my iPod up so I couldn't hear him anymore. Turns out he had fallen, cracked a rib, and needed help up. FML

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By accidentalsmartass - 6/3/2017 22:00 - Japan - Tokyo

He deserved it. Snapping ain't cool unless you're a turtle.

Today, I learned that I may have caused a public speaker and author to be fired, because my response to his "open chat" question flustered him, causing him to lose his cool and snap at me. FML

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By "lildale92" - 5/11/2019 02:00

So cute

Today, my youngest decided my phone needed a bath in the toilet. FML

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By Wow. Really? - 29/4/2013 18:07 - United States - Columbus

Today, my fiancée broke off our engagement. For some bizarre reason, she'd hidden a pair of expensive boots and her iPad underneath our ride-on mower. I turned the mower on and destroyed both without realizing it. According to her, the fault is all mine. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2009 22:18 - United States

Today, driving home, my girlfriend and I decided we were finally going to have sex. We got in the backseat, then I opened my condom to find it was already broken. We ended up playing connect four instead. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2010 08:03 - United States

Today, at Burger King, I had to go to the bathroom. Two ketchup packets were under the seat and exploded on my legs and pants when I sat down. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2011 07:38 - United States

Today, I got my car back from the shop. The engine has been rebuilt twice in the past 3 months. My check engine light just came on. FML

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By Username - 5/11/2010 22:02 - France

Today, I was reading to a child during nap time because she woke up crying. She calmed down right after I began reading, but soon started crying again. I was confused until I felt something warm and wet on my leg. She peed on me. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2010 23:54 - United States

Today, my 5 year old son and I went out. As I was looking in the window display of a shop, I turned around to witness my son pooping in an open manhole on the street. FML

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By elliekilroy - 11/12/2010 00:12 - United Kingdom

Today, I picked up my friend's new kitten so enthusiastically I scared it and it shat all over me. I literally scared the shit out of it. FML

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By LostSleep - 24/5/2016 21:54 - United Kingdom

Today, I was woken at 4 a.m. by the sounds of someone crashing down the stairs. I scrambled out, still half-asleep, to find out that nobody was in an agonized heap at the bottom. The walls are so thin in my house that I could hear the neighbour falling down HIS stairs. FML

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By insomniac - 3/9/2010 23:02

Today, my sister is nursing an injured cat back to health in our home because she accidentally hit it with her car. Now I can't decide which is contributing more to my insomnia: the incessant meowing, or the constant itching because our house is infested with fleas. FML

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By peepants - 4/6/2019 14:00

Today, I was in a public restroom with my one-year old. I had no idea he could reach the lock until he opened the door and ran out. In my haste to catch him, I not only peed all over my pants that were still around my ankles, I faceplanted on the nasty, moist bathroom floor. FML

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By - 19/12/2018 13:00 - United Kingdom - Colchester

Today, I had a meeting with HR that resulted in me being dismissed for poor performance. I was confused because up until that point, my line manager had said my performance was exemplary. Turns out it wasn't, and he didn't tell me because he didn't want me to be stressed. FML

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By Jobless - 10/12/2016 03:35

Today I was fired from my job. They fired me because they couldn't work around my college schedule. The only reason they hired me was because they were looking for college students and without a job I can't go back to school. FML

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By Victoria - 18/9/2019 06:00 - Australia - Perth

My name is?

Today, while interviewing for a job, I was greeted by the interviewer with a handshake and a greeting of, "Hello Victoria, my name is Bill." I responded with, "Hello. My name is Bill." I think it's safe to assume I didn't get the job. FML

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By FirstStringQB - 1/10/2011 22:45 - United States

Today, at football practice, a 200lb lineman ended up landing on my stomach. The weight made me shit myself. My new nickname is "Muddbutt". FML

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By funkmylife69 - 23/9/2019 06:06

Mr. Smooth

Today, I made out with the guy I've had a huge crush on for the first time. He wrapped his arms around me, and whispered softly into my ear, "I can't wait to bone you." FML

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By sammy77sam - 15/7/2013 13:41 - Saint Kitts and Nevis - Basseterre

Today, I told my girlfriend about my extreme fear of flying roaches. She immediately got upset because she thought, since I'm from the Caribbean, I would be "manlier" and "eat stuff like that for breakfast". FML

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By our kids will be derps - 22/6/2013 19:28 - Canada - Nelson

Today, my boyfriend found an empty snail shell. I tried messing with him by saying the snail had turned into a slug, like caterpillars turn into butterflies. He quickly replied, "Yeah I know. I'm not a tard, babe." and said he'd been taught all that and more back in school. What the hell? FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2010 19:09

Today, my girlfriend threw my X-box out the window, because I asked her how much she weighs. FML

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By he's not the one going to hell - 12/9/2014 21:11 - Australia

Today, some assface hacked my recently deceased friend's Facebook account. The person changed my friend's location to "Hell", then posted a status saying how hot the weather was, and replied "I wish :'(" to someone who'd said my friend was in a better place now. FML

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By eakthegeek - 10/1/2012 09:36 - United States

Today, I was sexing it up with my boyfriend. Halfway through, he looked at me and said, "Y'know what you never see in a porno? Intellectual conversation. Read any good books lately?" He wouldn't keep going until I answered. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2019 22:00

Today, one of my friends came over to go swimming in my pool. Before going back into the house, as it's all carpeted, I automatically took off my trunks, forgetting about my friend. I realized my mistake when my friend commented on my abnormally long foreskin. FML

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By Milked Richard - 6/2/2015 04:14 - Australia - Wagga Wagga

Today, I woke up with my penis taped inside a milk bottle. Yes, I'm as baffled as you are. FML

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By RBHSWedgieGirl - 23/1/2011 01:35 - United States

Today, while walking across campus, I stopped to look at my reflection in a window. I straightened my bra straps and then turned to the side to dig a wedgie out. It wasn't until I heard peals of laughter that I realized I couldn't see IN the classroom, but they could see OUT. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2013 16:26 - Norway - Ytre Arna

Today, my mom let me stay home from school, because I was sick. We both agreed not to tell my dad, since he's adamant that I never miss even one day of school. A few hours after my mom left for work, he came back home, with another woman. FML

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By dump truck hater - 3/6/2015 16:18 - United States - Austin

Today, when leaving my apartment, I instantly noticed there was a giant dump truck in our lot, which turned out to be directly behind my car. After making a 20-point escape from my parking space and getting to work late, my roommate texts me "DUDE guess what I got last night". A giant dump truck. FML

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By betrayed - 19/7/2010 17:36 - United States

Today, I was helping my friend create an online dating profile. When she got her search results, her #1 match was a blonde guy only 10 miles from her. His description: genuine, laid back, and ready for fun. He left off something kind of important. He's already married. To me. FML

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Top comments

By TheCaramelKing | 11

#5698450 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 0:03

Make that bitch put up new wallpaper.

By PandaSmile | 24

#5698455 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 0:03

Not gunna lie I would be all over that shit. Dots are always just asking for petals.

Comments

By addioty | 19

#5698449 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 0:02

Kids do the darndest things!

NeighSoulSister | 6

#5698608 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 1:51

I'm getting really tired of comments like this.

\ | 28

#5698618 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 1:58

If the roommate was there, it's her fault for not having watched over her sister.

addioty | 19

#5698793 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 4:59

Sorry. I guess I really wanted the top spot and became one of THOSE commentors. I apologize for the shitty comment :/

anonyeorge | 3

#5698808 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 5:11

did 1 really jus say "darnest" lol

ChevyRedneck85 | 13

#5698887 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 6:21

#55- nope they said darndest

By TheCaramelKing | 11

#5698450 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 0:03

Make that bitch put up new wallpaper.

diarheea101 | 11

#5713458 - Saturday 12 October 2013 19:06

maybe she doesn't know any better, but if she does than, yesh, she best.

By PandaSmile | 24

#5698455 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 0:03

Not gunna lie I would be all over that shit. Dots are always just asking for petals.

Allennis44 | 16

#5698780 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 4:52

Stay away from my dots

By Legendslayer222 | 26

#5698456 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 0:04

Why even bother with wallpaper when you have such a budding artist ready to do the decorating for you?

By DocBastard | 38

#5698459 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 0:05

You shouldn't have put up polka dot wallpaper in the first place. You were begging for some little girl graffiti with that tacky shit.

TogeBara | 12

#5698642 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 2:20

you are a right dick aren't you

mif_fml | 27

#5698644 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 2:22

No, definitely a left dick.

DocBastard | 38

#5698659 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 2:50

TogeBara - You did notice my name, right? There is a reason it isn't DocReallyNiceGuy.

poppyseed420 | 9

#5698973 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 8:31

Honesty tends to be brutal

By lovethesidewalk | 19

#5698460 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 0:05

Your roommate should fix it. Make him/her redo the wallpaper.

By gh0sthunter | 6

#5698466 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 0:06

probably because the higher she reached the higher she got.

SoliDSt33L | 33

#5698528 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 0:34

Sharpies haven't been made that way for several years.

By japajo | 2

#5698467 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 0:07

Draw over it with dry erase marker...no more petals.

alshygirl | 14

#5698797 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 5:00

How would that help?

Treveyon56 | 14

#5698838 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 5:29

Apparently 8 doesn't know what permanent means.

lexa1love | 16

#5698862 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 5:46

Depending on what the surface was drawing over a permanent with a dry erase will break down the permanent and allow it to be erased like a dry erase marker.