Today, I got home to the smell of permanent marker and the discovery...

By HGTV - 1/10/2013 18:43 - United States - Boston

Today, I got home to the smell of permanent marker and the discovery that my roommate's little sister had drawn flower petals around every polka dot she could reach on my walls. I just put up the wallpaper last weekend. FML

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Kids

Serious times

Property law

My body, my choice

By Really? - 31/12/2016 01:54 - Australia - Homebush

Today, during an endless heat wave, I sat at my local pub having a beer. I was delighted as a cool sea breeze started to come through. I was less delighted when the sea breeze picked up and blew cigarette ash onto my sweaty face and into my mouth. FML

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By screwed - 24/1/2009 18:56 - Chile

Today, I crapped in my pants and had to wait an hour of commuting till I could clean it up. What a sight and smell it was on the subway. Thank God I had sunglasses to wear. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2010 16:24 - United States

Today, I found out that my 43 year old wife has been having a cyber relationship with a 14 year old kid on Halo. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/12/2014 16:27 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I spent a quarter of an hour trying to figure out why my car wouldn't unlock, then why my number plate had changed. FML

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By Cassidy Bowen - 16/6/2012 05:42 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I decided to not wear makeup for the first time. My boyfriend asked me if I got punched in the face. FML

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By dumb dumb - 14/8/2020 14:00

Not the sharpest crayon in the box

Today, my idiot daughter used my wax warmer to try to give herself a bikini wax using old crayons. Not sure which YouTube idiot she learned it from, but the stench of melted crayon, burnt hair, and singed flesh isn’t a smell I’ll soon be forgetting. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2009 15:36 - United States

Today, I found out that when they put "Take with food" on the side of antibiotics, what they really mean is "Take with food because this stuff is gonna liquefy everything in your G.I. tract, and make you have to run out of the middle of calculus for the worst diarrhea ever." FML

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By HunniBeeHuni - 17/11/2009 05:25 - United States

Today, I was leaving the train station when a man came up to me and asked me if I have an unlimited metrocard to swipe him in. I did have an unlimited card so I told him sure. While taking out my metrocard from my wallet, he grabbed my wallet and ran away as fast as he could. FML

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By ruvru - 10/4/2009 17:13 - United States

Today, while lying next to me, my boyfriend smiled and told me, "I really like your eyes. They're pretty." He paused and then finished with, "They really help your face." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2015 14:01 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I bought my first vibrator. I was really excited, until my crippling OCD kicked in, forcing me to turn it on and off seven times in rapid succession, causing it to give off a cracking sound and stop working. Now I'm sad. FML

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By deranged - 25/5/2017 19:00 - Ukraine - Pirogov

Today, my girlfriend and I went to the bank to get her new ATM card. As the bank teller gave her the card, he said that the PIN remained the same. Indignant, she cried out, "How do you possibly know my PIN code?" She's 27. FML

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By Starter656 - 24/12/2017 06:00

Today, I'm the designated driver for a Christmas party I wasn't even invited to. Not only do I get to watch people have a good time, but I'm also supposed to not get involved in the party. FML

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By googoogaga - 13/3/2010 15:13 - United States

Today, I went to IHOP for breakfast. As we were leaving, I realized a little girl took my Hello Kitty hairclip. For the next 5 minutes, I fought with an 8 year-old for a hairclip. She won. FML

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By cheekymonkey97 - 24/10/2016 16:48

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend whilst straddled on top of him. He started to undo my bra. I was fine with this but he stopped kissing me and looked at me with a slight smile. He then said, "I know this is going to kill the mood... but I feel like I could milk your boobs right now" FML

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By Mightaswelltutordogs - 21/12/2014 01:16 - United States - Gainesville

Today, I had to find simple words to explain to the idiot I was tutoring that "1/4" is not of a greater value than "1/3" just because the denominator is bigger. FML

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By ltwlty - 20/9/2016 07:07 - China - Beijing

Today, I still can't poop unless I hear the sound of the bathroom fan. FML

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By bevo - 26/8/2010 02:09 - Australia

Today, my date and I went to the movies. After the date, we were both on an instant chat room at our homes. Her personal message displayed "I think I love my ex again." FML

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By anonymous - 24/9/2016 13:10 - United States - Federal Way

Today, I was told I needed to start carrying bandaids with me at work because practically every day I hurt myself. FML

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By areyoukiddingme - 7/1/2013 06:09 - United States

Today, I came out to my parents. They laughed in my face. FML

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By 1378 - 12/3/2010 08:26 - Australia

Today, I had to explain to my sister why it's unhygienic, socially unacceptable and downright inappropriate to apply Thrush ointment in the lounge room. I realised I wasn't getting through to her when she called me ''Uptight,'' ''Victorian" and ''prudish'' to name a few. FML

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By Milk Dispenser - 12/3/2019 05:00 - United States - Herriman

Today, breastfeeding my infant has become so automatic that when my dog nuzzled up against me while I was sleeping, I lifted up my shirt and unhooked my nursing bra. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2015 01:17 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I saw selfies of my aunt and her friends on Facebook having a great time. They took the pictures at my mother's funeral last week. FML

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By anonymous - 20/1/2012 05:02 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my husband why putting on dirty underwear after a shower defeats the purpose. We had this discussion in the middle of me giving him head. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/4/2017 18:00

Today, I had to stop on a long trip to use the restroom at a gas station. Apparently, there was water damage beneath the toilet, because after about two minutes of doing my business, it collapsed about seven inches beneath the floor. Guess who got covered in water, black mold, and poo. FML

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By broken - 2/9/2009 09:45 - Australia

Today, my mum hit me with her car as she was backing out of the drive way, hurting my leg and crushing my bike. For the third time this year. FML

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By larry_richard - 4/4/2018 18:00 - United States

April Fool

Today, I was told an assignment that was supposed to be due in a week and a half is due today. I crammed all night and ended up getting 3 hours of sleep. Turns out it was an April Fool's prank. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2009 05:25 - United States

Today, a friend and I drove all the way from Texas to a small town in Colorado to spend an entire uninterrupted night together. Not only did he forget to bring condoms but everything was closed by the time we got into town. We ended up playing cards on the bed instead. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2013 07:11 - United States - San Marcos

Today, I had a dream about marrying Hitler. I've had this same dream three times now. My subconscious is starting to scare me. FML

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By dylanhollis - 17/1/2014 12:49 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I signed up for a dating site and used a photo of my mother and me at a wedding. Everyone stops responding when they find out they're talking to me and not her. FML

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By knobbed - 27/1/2014 23:09 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, I got a black eye while trying to break up a fight caused by some complete bastard making a "yo momma" joke at the funeral of my best friend's mother. FML

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By Kylie - 26/1/2010 16:13 - United States

Today, at work at daycare, this kid was coughing really bad, so I put my hand in front of his mouth in case he was choking on something so he could spit it out. But nope he wasn't choking, he was sick. He puked right into my hands. FML

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By blinkme - 28/8/2009 05:39 - United States

Today, I was at a concert and the guy who was selling the drinks tripped and fell down the stairs, landing on the floor next to me and the drinks went all over. I went to make sure he was okay and helped pick up the drinks. After assuring me he was okay, he gave me a free soda. It exploded. FML

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By howrude - 11/9/2009 11:57 - Canada

Today, my friends took me out to the most expensive restaurant in town to celebrate my promotion, we ordered everything with expensive drinks too. They 'took a smoke break' and left me with the bill. FML

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By Jay - 2/8/2010 17:23 - United States

Today, I discovered our AOL billing information. Turns out we've been paying for dial-up via automatic bill paying that we thought we cancelled in 2000. $1,800 later, we called to cancel. Customer service congratulated us on being loyal members for over 13 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2019 04:01 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Corporate hell

Today, I found out I didn't get the promotion I applied for. Then I was told I was the only one who applied for the job. FML

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By likesboys - 19/5/2010 12:00 - Canada

Today, my entire family thinks I'm a lesbian. I'm straight. I'm embarrassed and don't know how to tell them that I've been single for so long because I can't get a guy. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/3/2012 16:37 - New Zealand

Today, I missed an important phone call. It's been so long since someone has called me that I didn't recognize my own ringtone. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2019 14:11

Today, I ate dinner sitting on the floor. My petty roommate got pissed off during the weekend and decided the appropriate action would be to lock all the furniture in her room and refuse to give it back. FML

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By Morgannaken - 31/10/2009 17:45 - United States

Today, mum woke me up before seven in the morning on a Saturday so I could open my birthday gifts. I'm an insomniac and I had just fallen asleep. I wasn't even awake yet and she yelled at me to be more enthusiastic. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2013 00:10 - United States - Charlotte

Today, my 11-year-old daughter heard the quote, "If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours forever. If it doesn't, then it was never meant to be." She decided to test this out by letting our new puppy out of the front door. FML

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Top comments

By TheCaramelKing | 11

#5698450 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 0:03

Make that bitch put up new wallpaper.

By PandaSmile | 24

#5698455 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 0:03

Not gunna lie I would be all over that shit. Dots are always just asking for petals.

COMMENTS

By addioty | 19

#5698449 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 0:02

Kids do the darndest things!

NeighSoulSister | 6

#5698608 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 1:51

I'm getting really tired of comments like this.

\ | 28

#5698618 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 1:58

If the roommate was there, it's her fault for not having watched over her sister.

addioty | 19

#5698793 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 4:59

Sorry. I guess I really wanted the top spot and became one of THOSE commentors. I apologize for the shitty comment :/

anonyeorge | 3

#5698808 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 5:11

did 1 really jus say "darnest" lol

ChevyRedneck85 | 13

#5698887 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 6:21

#55- nope they said darndest

By TheCaramelKing | 11

#5698450 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 0:03

Make that bitch put up new wallpaper.

diarheea101 | 11

#5713458 - Saturday 12 October 2013 19:06

maybe she doesn't know any better, but if she does than, yesh, she best.

By PandaSmile | 24

#5698455 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 0:03

Not gunna lie I would be all over that shit. Dots are always just asking for petals.

Allennis44 | 16

#5698780 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 4:52

Stay away from my dots

By Legendslayer222 | 26

#5698456 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 0:04

Why even bother with wallpaper when you have such a budding artist ready to do the decorating for you?

By DocBastard | 38

#5698459 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 0:05

You shouldn't have put up polka dot wallpaper in the first place. You were begging for some little girl graffiti with that tacky shit.

TogeBara | 12

#5698642 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 2:20

you are a right dick aren't you

mif_fml | 27

#5698644 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 2:22

No, definitely a left dick.

DocBastard | 38

#5698659 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 2:50

TogeBara - You did notice my name, right? There is a reason it isn't DocReallyNiceGuy.

poppyseed420 | 9

#5698973 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 8:31

Honesty tends to be brutal

By lovethesidewalk | 19

#5698460 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 0:05

Your roommate should fix it. Make him/her redo the wallpaper.

By gh0sthunter | 6

#5698466 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 0:06

probably because the higher she reached the higher she got.

SoliDSt33L | 33

#5698528 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 0:34

Sharpies haven't been made that way for several years.

By japajo | 2

#5698467 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 0:07

Draw over it with dry erase marker...no more petals.

alshygirl | 14

#5698797 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 5:00

How would that help?

Treveyon56 | 14

#5698838 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 5:29

Apparently 8 doesn't know what permanent means.

lexa1love | 16

#5698862 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 5:46

Depending on what the surface was drawing over a permanent with a dry erase will break down the permanent and allow it to be erased like a dry erase marker.