Kids: Today, I got home to the smell of permanent marker and the discovery...

By HGTV - United States - Boston

Today, I got home to the smell of permanent marker and the discovery that my roommate's little sister had drawn flower petals around every polka dot she could reach on my walls. I just put up the wallpaper last weekend. FML

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Kids

This Charming Man

Banished

Two states of matter

By ohyaknow - United States

Communication

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I have ever or would ever fake an orgasm. I assured him that I wouldn't, when he has actually never given me one. I didn't have the heart to tell him. FML

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By max - United States

Today, I thought I was going on a date. About 20 minutes into it, after giving her my arm to hold (like a true gentleman) it came up in conversation that my brother is gay. Her response: "oh, so both you and your brother are gay?" FML

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By sam - United States - Sun Prairie

Today, I realized I sent over 2 dozen job applications with my dating profile word doc instead of my resume. FML

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By diggingaplotforone - United States - Redlands

Today, I was digging in my lawn, trying to ignore the suspicious glances coming from my nosy fuckball of a neighbor. When he asked what I was doing, I replied with dripping sarcasm, that I was digging up the schoolkids I killed last year. Fifteen minutes later, the cops he called arrived. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Jacksonville

Today, it marks the fourth month since my 15-year-old cousin asked me out, then started practically stalking me when I said no. It's also the fourth month of my parents and his constantly telling me to stop overreacting and that it's "just a phase." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got my car back from the shop. The engine has been rebuilt twice in the past 3 months. My check engine light just came on. FML

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By brie - United States

Today, after 3 years, I saw my ex, who I still love, at a coffee shop. Being nice, I said hi. He turned around, looked at me, and said, "Thank God I broke up with you. You look like a hot mess!" before getting up and walking out with his model girlfriend. FML

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By thedd - United States

Today, it was my 21st birthday. All my friends showed up at my house already drunk, so I had to be the designated driver. FML

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By Familyskank - United States

Today, my family was preparing a turkey for my grandma's birthday dinner when my aunt noticed a utensil on the counter and asked what it was for. My mom said it was used to keep the turkey's legs together. My aunt responded to her by saying, "Maybe you should get one for your daughter." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend started to plan our wedding. We've been going out for 3 days. FML

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By Andrew - United States

Today, my grandpa told me what he'd do if he was president. I sat there for 30 minutes listening to how he'd get rid of prisons, send all the prisoners to a desert for 5 years and give them a gun to fight over. And then he'd surgically attach child molesters' penises to their foreheads. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend dumped me, all because he's scared of my mother. FML

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She plays tricks on me

Today, I had dinner at my girlfriend's house with her parents. Everything was going great, until after dinner when her dad pulled me aside and told me he'd heard us having sex. I was out of town all weekend for a baseball tournament. FML

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By Dumbass - Netherlands

Waiting for Godot

Today, I'm still waiting for my ex, who yesterday afternoon told me that he'd be here within the hour. FML

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By lolk - United States - Little Rock

Today, my boyfriend and I were on my bed when things started getting hot and it began to shake. My little sister called the entire family to the hall to listen to "the frogs in the wall". FML

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By amilia

Today, I went on a blind date with a guy at a seafood restaurant. I explained to him that I am deathly allergic to shrimp. When the waiter took my order, he interrupted me and said, “She’ll have the shrimp," while looking me dead in the eye. FML

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By Familyreject - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, I found out that my family has paid for and booked a trip to Dubai without me. They weren't going to tell me until they were about to board but since I was crying that my friend ditched me for my holiday, they thought they would let me know. FML

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By notafan - United States

Today, I was at a baseball game. This kid in front of me had binoculars and was constantly shouting. Trying to amuse the girl next to me, I leaned over and said, "That kid probably has wet dreams about baseball." She got up and said to the kid, "Come on honey, we're leaving." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, we were celebrating my birthday and my boyfriend thought it would be funny to shove my face in the cake. While the candles were still lit. FML

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By eliinu - United States - Middlesboro

Today, my aunt said that it looked like I lost some weight. I was pleased with this, since I've been trying to lose some. My mom, for some reason, thought it was insulting. She pulled me to aside to assure me that I most definitely don't look any skinnier. FML

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By Stepheroni

Today, I went to the doctor to ask what the weird white lump was on my back, and if it was cancer. He told me it was the biggest pimple he'd ever seen. FML

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By facepalming all the way - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I had to explain to my incredibly sheltered 15-year-old brother that no, you don't wear condoms on your balls, and that they don't work by squeezing your balls so the sperm are blocked from coming out when you ejaculate. FML

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By yayme. - United States - Bismarck

Today, I found out that the weird guy that lives next door is my biological father. FML

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By Anonymous - Norway

Today, I had two minutes to get to the bus stop which usually takes me eight minutes. I had to catch that bus to be at work at the hospital in time. I was in such a hurry, I didn't have the time to tie my shoe laces. I ran with untied shoe laces. I did end up in the hospital. FML

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By greeenbean - Samoa

Today, I was woken up by the massive earthquake in Samoa. I went downstairs to discover that all the hotel staff had fled and abandoned the hotel guests. I was left to run up to higher ground on foot. It was a three hour hike. By the time I got to a safe spot, the tsunami warning was lifted. FML

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By Quortney - United States

Today, I was working at the local grocery store and a customer of mine, who had only bought two granola bars and was holding up my line, tried to convert me to Christianity. Out of all the people to target, she chose the shy atheist who just wanted to do her minimum wage job in peace. FML

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By Hotsauce887 - United States

Today, my friend told the cute waiter it was my birthday. He brought out a dessert with a candle and put a huge sombrero on my head. Everyone at the restaurant started singing me happy birthday. I got embarrassed and put my head down. My sombrero caught on fire. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Oakland

Today, I finally found the jewelry my two-year-old son had lost when it got lodged in my foot. FML

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By fuckyou

Today, my girlfriend took me to see my favorite band live. Afterwards, we were lucky enough to run into the lead guitarist, who promptly asked her if she'd like to go back to his hotel room. She accepted. FML

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By imalosertho - Canada - Truro

Today, I was really hungry at work, and my stomach growled loudly. One of my co-workers heard it and thought it was a cat. Ashamed, I played dumb and we ended up spending twenty minutes looking for a cat that I knew didn't exist. FML

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By in debt

Today, a tree fell on our 3-month-old family car. Today, I also learned that my husband never insured it. It's probably scrap, and we still have to pay it off for the next 5 years. FML

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By Oopsie - United States - Saint Albans

Today, a revolving door got the better of me. I made it into the crowded lobby, unlike my skirt. Bad day to wear a thong. FML

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By penisgrabber - United States

Today, I came to the realization I make a living trimming the hair off dogs' privates. I've touched more dog penises than I have human ones, and sometimes the dogs get "excited" while I'm working. FML

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By Tejanoswhy

Today, I found out why my history grade is so low: the kid in front of me takes my homework, writes his name on it, and passes it off as his own. FML

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By toobad - United States

Today, I went to a bar with some buddies, and after trying to pick up a few girls, one of my friends got a number. When I heard the number I said 'Sorry man, that's definitely the rejection hotline number'. So many girls have given me that number, I memorized it. FML

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By Di Da - 6/7/2020 23:02

Ghosted

Today, my boss came to my desk and asked me how the work is going, then he just walked away in the middle of me explaining a problem in the project. When I wanted to make an appointment with his secretary, she told me he isn't going to have any time this and next week. FML

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By ELLI

Today, all of my friends showed up an hour late for my 18th birthday party because they decided to go get dinner without me. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Northampton

Today, I uttered the phrase "the pot calling the kettle black" in class. Moments later, I'd been called a "racist twerp" and kicked out of class by the same English teacher who once tried to have another kid suspended for using the word "titillate", because apparently it's "pornographic". FML

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By Jeanine - United States

Today, I returned to my apartment to find everything reduced to ashes, hidden in black clouds of smoke. Turns out there was a blackout, and my fiancé lit a candle on top of a stack of all our wedding papers. When he smelled the smoke, he got hungry for a taco and left instead of calling 911. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Bad day

Today, I accidentally set off an alarm at the school I work for. No one was there, I didn't have the code or password the company needed, my boss wouldn't answer his phone, 3 policemen interrogated me and asked for ID but realized I left home without my wallet. There was nothing I could do. I cried. FML

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Top comments

By TheCaramelKing | 11

#5698450 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 0:03

Make that bitch put up new wallpaper.

By PandaSmile | 24

#5698455 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 0:03

Not gunna lie I would be all over that shit. Dots are always just asking for petals.

COMMENTS

By addioty | 19

#5698449 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 0:02

Kids do the darndest things!

NeighSoulSister | 6

#5698608 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 1:51

I'm getting really tired of comments like this.

\ | 28

#5698618 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 1:58

If the roommate was there, it's her fault for not having watched over her sister.

addioty | 19

#5698793 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 4:59

Sorry. I guess I really wanted the top spot and became one of THOSE commentors. I apologize for the shitty comment :/

anonyeorge | 3

#5698808 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 5:11

did 1 really jus say "darnest" lol

ChevyRedneck85 | 13

#5698887 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 6:21

#55- nope they said darndest

By TheCaramelKing | 11

#5698450 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 0:03

Make that bitch put up new wallpaper.

diarheea101 | 11

#5713458 - Saturday 12 October 2013 19:06

maybe she doesn't know any better, but if she does than, yesh, she best.

By PandaSmile | 24

#5698455 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 0:03

Not gunna lie I would be all over that shit. Dots are always just asking for petals.

Allennis44 | 16

#5698780 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 4:52

Stay away from my dots

By Legendslayer222 | 26

#5698456 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 0:04

Why even bother with wallpaper when you have such a budding artist ready to do the decorating for you?

By DocBastard | 38

#5698459 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 0:05

You shouldn't have put up polka dot wallpaper in the first place. You were begging for some little girl graffiti with that tacky shit.

TogeBara | 12

#5698642 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 2:20

you are a right dick aren't you

mif_fml | 27

#5698644 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 2:22

No, definitely a left dick.

DocBastard | 38

#5698659 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 2:50

TogeBara - You did notice my name, right? There is a reason it isn't DocReallyNiceGuy.

poppyseed420 | 9

#5698973 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 8:31

Honesty tends to be brutal

By lovethesidewalk | 19

#5698460 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 0:05

Your roommate should fix it. Make him/her redo the wallpaper.

By gh0sthunter | 6

#5698466 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 0:06

probably because the higher she reached the higher she got.

SoliDSt33L | 33

#5698528 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 0:34

Sharpies haven't been made that way for several years.

By japajo | 2

#5698467 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 0:07

Draw over it with dry erase marker...no more petals.

alshygirl | 14

#5698797 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 5:00

How would that help?

Treveyon56 | 14

#5698838 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 5:29

Apparently 8 doesn't know what permanent means.

lexa1love | 16

#5698862 - Wednesday 2 October 2013 5:46

Depending on what the surface was drawing over a permanent with a dry erase will break down the permanent and allow it to be erased like a dry erase marker.