Today, I got food poisoning in the middle of the wilderness while... - FML

By lkvetched - 30/8/2016 17:23 - United States - Palestine

Today, I got food poisoning in the middle of the wilderness while hiking in a state park with my husband. I had to tend to nature several times before we reached our car. The only supplies I had was a bottle of water and a laminated trail map. It was part of an anniversary trip. How romantic. FML

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The opposite of a good idea

Live dumping

Tidy your room

By NeedMoreFriends - 3/7/2015 10:30 - United Kingdom - Wakefield

Today, I rang up a good friend to ask her to be one of the two bridesmaids at my upcoming wedding. Before I could ask, she let me know that she would not be attending my wedding, as, "Weddings are expensive, so I'm not attending ones for people that are just acquaintances". FML

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By theuglyfriend - 17/7/2012 06:09 - United States - Riverbank

Today, I went to a coffee shop with my friend. The guy rang her up and said it was only a dollar as he winked at her $10 purchase. Then he rang me up at completely full price. She got his number and I got to be the ugly friend once again. FML

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By Hungry - 14/1/2009 15:01 - United States

Today, a drunk girl asked me for directions to her hotel. I had just bought an empanada and was feeling good, so I agree to look up the address on my phone. Two minutes and a text charge later, I got the address. Out of inebriated glee, she hugged me and knocked the tasty empanada out of my hand. FML

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By upsetandannoyed - 1/1/2012 05:41 - United States

Today, my friend set me up with a cute guy who is very germaphobic. So, I spent 4 hours cleaning my apartment. 2 minutes into the date, I sneezed. He politely told me he wasn't feeling well and left. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/1/2012 01:10 - United States

Today, my daughter brought her new boyfriend over for dinner. I realize now why she said we would get along great: we graduated high school together. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2014 16:01 - United States - Orange

Today, I had my first car crash. I ran into a parked car and the owner saw it happen. I then accidentally opened my door straight into her car as well when I went to give her my information. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2014 22:42 - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today, my 7-year-old daughter loudly asked in the middle of the supermarket, "Mummy, what's a cunt?" FML

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By User - 23/9/2013 17:53 - United States - Romulus

Today, I texted my girlfriend a long heartfelt loving message for our 2-year anniversary. Her reply was just "K." FML

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By Xandriajoy10 - 4/1/2016 05:21 - Australia

Today, my 5 year-old informed me she likes her "other mummy" more and wants to live with her instead. I need to have a long conversation with my husband. FML

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By NoCookForYou - 22/8/2009 06:29 - United States

Today, I decided to cook dinner for my wife and kid. After a long day of preperation and cooking I asked them what they thought of it. My 12 year old son then says, "I would say it tastes like shit but not even shit tastes this bad!" My wife then laughed and gave him a high-five. FML

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By raybandy - 24/1/2009 00:22 - United States

Today, I wake up only to find that my roommates cooked all my food. Now I'm starving and the place smells like delicious bacon. FML

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By no, YOU raised him - 3/4/2015 21:15 - United States - Concord

Today, I asked my 5-year-old son how school went today. He sighed and said "Fuck off, dad." I thought kids only became such colossal douchebags in their teens. FML

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By ShowerheadGirl - 9/11/2009 07:06 - United States

Today, I was having an intimate moment with my detachable showerhead. I opened my eyes to find my husband of 4 months looking down on me. The only thing he said was, 'You too?' FML

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By "Noelle Diane Irwin" - 21/2/2019 16:00

Today, I just found out that my sister slept with the guy that I have had a crush on for years and that she may or may not be pregnant with his child. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2011 05:43 - United States

Today, my son got really high and shaved the dog with my electric shaver. Not only does the dog look really bad, I didn't know my son used drugs. I now have to buy the dog a sweater and get my son some help. FML

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By mike - 11/3/2011 18:34 - United States

Today, I set up a mouse trap to kill the rodent plaguing my kitchen. While lying in bed, I heard an unmistakable snap, and ran to see what I'd caught. The mouse trap was missing. I now have a large, angry, and possibly dying animal running around my house. FML

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By cauteriseme - 1/1/2011 15:37 - United Kingdom

Today, as the clock struck twelve for the new year, I was in the bathroom having a nosebleed. FML

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By ifpigsflew - 4/10/2010 23:31 - New Zealand

Today, I got hit by a Salami log thrown from a car; its metal wire cut my shoulder. I got scarred by a flying hunk of pig. FML

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By queenmabby - 16/1/2019 12:00

Today, for the first time ever, I was able to have a good hair day without blow drying it or using product. Or so I thought. The first words my mom spoke to me when I came downstairs were “Go fix your hair.” FML

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By badjob - 12/9/2009 06:32 - United States

Today, I called the company with whom I had a job interview last week, which I thought went great, but hadn't heard back from. One of the interviewers claimed that I tried to grope her. FML

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By katieemw95 - 23/9/2019 04:00

I'm not drunk, you're drunk!

Today, I came home from partying all night, having stayed completely sober. My Dad, blind drunk, told me he was proud of me for staying sober. He claims to have been sober longer than I have. FML

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By paparoach - 21/12/2014 07:59 - United States - Kapolei

Today, I was at an outdoors Christmas party and I jokingly complained that my son says 'mama' way more than he says 'dada'. One of my students was at the party and watched him for a couple of hours. He taught him to say 'dada' every time he sees a bug. FML

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By cheezeits - 26/10/2009 04:24 - United States

Today, my long-distance girlfriend asked me if she could see someone else on the side. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2010 06:17 - United States

Today, I was texting this guy i've liked for a really long time, because of how nice and sentimental he is. We were sending each other things like "You make me smile" and "You're so damn cute" when finally he said "Let's just stop texting and hook up already." So much for sentimental. FML

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By FawnPrincess - 17/11/2017 15:00

Today, my boyfriend bought my favorite doughnuts for our anniversary. After settling down and pouring a glass of wine, I grabbed a doughnut and quickly realized the filling inside wasn't jelly. He thought it would be funny to replace it with toothpaste. FML

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By yeah hun i think insects arent animals too - 9/10/2013 07:51 - Germany - Leipzig

Today, I yet again had to pretend to be a dumb bimbo so that my boyfriend wouldn't get upset over the fact that, in some cases, I might be smarter than him. FML

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By what... - 15/9/2013 18:47 - United States - North Port

Today, my boss took me to one side and said, "Cross me like that ever again, and you're fired." I have no clue what he was talking about, and he denies ever having said a word to me. FML

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By Marika - 20/7/2015 17:48 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my religious friend and I ended up having wild sex in the back of his mom's minivan. We got interrupted by a priest knocking at our window. Well played God, well played. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2012 05:04

Today, I caught my boyfriend trying on my bra. He still has no excuse. FML

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By Grant - 11/1/2013 00:51 - United States

Today, I found out that my son told my daughter at some point that "real" name for Hershey's Kisses is "blowjobs." I found this out because at kindergarten she was asked what her favorite food was. The teacher wasn't happy when she called me. FML

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By sorry :/ - 8/2/2015 18:28 - United States - Monroe Township

Today, my drunk mom told me to apologize for being born. FML

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By E - 20/10/2016 19:07

Today, my office smells like a giant turnip green fart because of a sewage leak. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/4/2014 16:07 - Italy - Vigodarzere

Today, after months of being on anti-depression medication and feeling very little emotionally, I finally felt some joy. Sadly it was from completely crushing my husband in an argument he started, where he claimed ketchup is a vegetable. FML

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By damnthedog - 19/1/2013 07:40 - Australia - Wollongong

Today, I found out that my home-made pasta sauce had a weird taste to it because my basil patch in the backyard has become my dog's preferred spot to pee. FML

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By HolyyMolyy - 11/7/2016 10:24

Today, I was ecstatic to have received a friend request from my crush of grade 4 after 11 years. He's grown up to be such a hottie. I quickly accepted his request, he messaged me and we ended up chatting for hours. Later, when I messaged him, he called me clingy and unfriended me from Facebook. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/9/2017 04:30

Today, after storing it for a year, driving it 750 miles to a new home, and waiting a week for a wall mount to come in, I was ready to hang the hand-painted, decorative window my brother gave me. The chain snapped as I picked it up and it shattered when it hit the floor. FML

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By tripleBBB - 9/9/2018 01:30

Today, I was in the shower when I realised that maybe I'm getting a little too fat. I was scrubbing the old belly when a dollar flew out onto the floor. I'm 23. FML

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By FootInMyMouth - 13/2/2016 22:56 - United States - Miami

Today, a customer brought his cat in to be euthanized. I told him to "have a nice day" as he was leaving. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2013 21:16 - United States - Dover

Today, my grandmother opened the bathroom door to find me eating a spoonful of Nutella while on the toilet. She is convinced that I was eating my own shit and will not stop telling everybody. They believe her. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2020 23:00

Remember socialising?

Today, because of this fucking virus I was really excited to actually talk to another person. FML

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Top comments

By crudeandrudeguy | 29

#6681395 - Wednesday 31 August 2016 9:15

I don't remember seeing this muddy section on the map earlier... Uh...

By OysterPearls | 33

#6681416 - Wednesday 31 August 2016 9:39

Well this is how you know your husband the one: he'll still love you even after dealing with all your shit.

Comments

By crudeandrudeguy | 29

#6681395 - Wednesday 31 August 2016 9:15

I don't remember seeing this muddy section on the map earlier... Uh...

By kimeatszombies | 22

#6681400 - Wednesday 31 August 2016 9:20

Reminds me of that camping episode of Bob's Burgers. Don't eat raw trout, kids.

Reply

tounces7 | 26

#6683495 - Sunday 4 September 2016 21:50

What I hate is that restaurants can do this and get away with it all the time. There's really squat you can do when they don't follow safe food handling practices and poison you.

By Seabass_Chan | 33

#6681404 - Wednesday 31 August 2016 9:24

So... is the FML that you got food poisoning, that you got food poisoning on your anniversary, that your husband has a shitty (pun intended) taste in anniversary gifts, or all of the above?

Reply

MDoremis | 38

#6681412 - Wednesday 31 August 2016 9:36

I don't really think this is all that confusing. It's bad all around.

Reply

mfmylifesrsly | 29

#6681419 - Wednesday 31 August 2016 10:03

I personally would love that as an anniversary gift (minus the food poisoning, of course) and I'm not even athletic or do stuff like hiking.

Reply

Lalala579121 | 27

#6681488 - Wednesday 31 August 2016 12:44

It's because the food poisoning ruined their anniversary trip. Is it really that difficult to figure out?

As for the "shitty taste in anniversary gifts", just because you wouldn't enjoy something doesn't mean others don't. And personally I think a walk/hike through the woods with nobody but my SO would be quite lovely.

By OysterPearls | 33

#6681416 - Wednesday 31 August 2016 9:39

Well this is how you know your husband the one: he'll still love you even after dealing with all your shit.

Reply

Lalala579121 | 27

#6681490 - Wednesday 31 August 2016 12:46

Well I don't really think this would qualify as dealing with OP's shit, unless she gets food poisoning on a regular basis.

By soodytheboi | 23

#6681467 - Wednesday 31 August 2016 12:11

No matter where you go hiking, you should always bring materials and/or a First Aid kit in case something like this happened. Be ready for the worst, even if it's extremely unlikely.

Reply

Lalala579121 | 27

#6681492 - Wednesday 31 August 2016 12:49

Especially if you're hiking somewhere you would need a map. Sure, state parks are a hell of a lot safer than hiking in the wilderness or backcountry, but you never know when something might happen when nobody is around.

By 1hardasswoman | 10

#6681577 - Wednesday 31 August 2016 15:34

Sq

By 1hardasswoman | 10

#6681579 - Wednesday 31 August 2016 15:38

C

By katachristic | 19

#6681595 - Wednesday 31 August 2016 16:16

Sucks that you got food poisoning, but you really should have been more prepared. At least you did bring some water and the map.

By jtsmommy | 11

#6681623 - Wednesday 31 August 2016 17:38

ALWAYS take a roll of toilet paper on hikes, preferably biodegradable or bring a plastic bag too. Sorry that your stomach ache ruined your anniversary outing though.

By lakesofire | 13

#6681648 - Wednesday 31 August 2016 18:22

did you happen to eat any of that other guy's spaghetti bolognese?