Today, I got food poisoning in the middle of the wilderness while... - FML

By lkvetched - United States - Palestine

Today, I got food poisoning in the middle of the wilderness while hiking in a state park with my husband. I had to tend to nature several times before we reached our car. The only supplies I had was a bottle of water and a laminated trail map. It was part of an anniversary trip. How romantic. FML

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Social distancing done right

Fake News

Great quality control

By KelseNM - 5/7/2020 14:02

Just No

Today, my future sister-in-law, who hasn’t even been engaged a week, informed everyone that the wedding is December 19, which is the due date of my first child. My brother won’t change the date and is making my family choose between his wedding or being at the hospital with me. FML

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By Facebook - United States

Today, I logged into facebook for the first time in a month. I had only 3 new notifications, they were to tell me that the poker application I used on there "missed me" and wanted to give me 10,000 free chips. My poker app talks to me more than my friends. FML

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By surprise - United States - Starkville

Today, I wanted to surprise my roommate by picking her up from class with her dog. Her dog decided to surprise me by dumping a load on my passenger seat. FML

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By Happy Employee - United States

Today, I returned from my first paid vacation in the past 2 years from a place with no cell, or internet. I've just found out that our department has been downsized. FML

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By Anonymous - Slovakia

Today, while presenting a project I've worked on for months, one of the professors exasperatedly cut in mid-sentence, saying, "Look, it's shit. Just stop already." FML

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By SatelliteUser - United States

Today, I called my wife to tell her I finally found a job after 6 months. A man answered the phone claiming to be the cable guy. We cut our cable off when I was laid off 6 months ago. FML

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By AloneAtPerkins - 26/11/2020 03:58 - United States - West Bend

Sticky situation

Today, I drove all the way to another state and dealt with Chicago traffic on the way just to learn to drive stick. I couldn't learn, because the truck was suddenly unavailable, and when it was available again, whoever had it last lost the keys. Guess I gotta make another trip. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I walked in on my roommate whacking off to clown porn. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up in my friend's living room after our sleepover. I heard her hot older brother and his friends in the kitchen. Feeling confident, I exposed my midriff a little bit just to give them a peek. They groaned and threw a blanket over me. FML

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By Brightbulb - United States

Today, I went to work feeling great. I'd just paid off my student loans and was planning a trip to see friends in Italy. I left work unemployed because a fraud case I exposed 3 years ago got the company sued for slander. It was thrown out because everything was fact. FML

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By King_of_hearts - United States - Plymouth

Today, my phone rang just seconds after I left a conference meeting to go use the restroom. It wouldn't have been a problem, except it seems one of my friends thought it would be funny to change my ringtone to a woman having an orgasm. FML

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By caitiexob - United States

Today, I found a note in my locker from a really hot guy asking me to prom. I went up to him saying how excited I was to go. He said "Oh you got the note?" and slipped it into the locker next to me. FML

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By TheIrony - United States

Today, while driving I saw a police car riding along next to me. Thinking about the news recently, I decided to give him a quick thumbs up and a smile to lighten up his day. He looks back, smiles, flips on his siren, and pulls me over for not paying attention to the road. FML

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By Shodan2112 - United States

Today, as I go to a small private Christian college, the academic dean came up to me and asked me to put some old records on CD, since I have a record player that can do that. I had to listen to eight records of old students from the 1970's singing bible thumper Christian hippie music. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Cloud

Today, my sink seemed to be filling up with dirty water. Concerned, I turned on the garbage disposal and plunged away. With no change in the water levels, I called a plumber. He reached in, pulled out the drain plug, and give me his bill while chuckling to himself. FML

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By ~Mr.Void - United States

Today, my friends and I got front stage tickets to our favorite band. Being my first concert, we planned to start a small mosh pit in the back. I got knocked out by my bestfriends elbow and was rushed to the hospital, during the first song. FML

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By NotSarahConnor - United States - Staten Island

Today, my boss thought it was funny to fire me by putting on dark sunglasses and saying "You have been terminated" in a bad Arnold Schwarzenegger voice. FML

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By NotThatKind - United States

Today, I posted a status update on Facebook about how much I liked the Season Finale of NBC's "Heroes". My hand slipped to the right and it came out as "I really love Herpes. It's much better than everyone says it is". I didn't notice for few hours. FML

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By lovergirl - United States - Orem

Off to a good start!

Today, I received an email from a potential employer with an awesome job opportunity. I was so excited, I immediately went to forward the email to my husband. My email included a lot of "I love you" and "we are going to celebrate tonight ;)". In my excitement, I hit reply instead of forward. FML

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By jakeson12 - United Kingdom - Dundee

Today, my "friend" thought it'd be absolutely hilarious to use my phone to text my girlfriend, bragging that I'd found a new "slampiece" and that she's "fukcin dumpd". Now I'm single, her dad keeps making threatening calls to me, and nobody will even listen to my side of the story. FML

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By larvagirl23 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of ten months sent me a picture message of her making out with a guy. Under it, it read, "You can pick your stuff up in the morning." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I ran over a squirrel. I saw it twitching, so I backed over it to end its suffering. It wasn't a squirrel; it was a kitten. The children it belonged to watched as I ran over their kitten. Twice. FML

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By foreverbrown - United States

Today, I was having dinner with my college friends to celebrate the end of our first year. I said really great things about them as individuals. The only thing they had to say to me was, "Thanks for being the token black friend." FML

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By suicide - United States

Today, I took a big sip of water while on a bus. It went down the wrong pipe, causing me to cough and hack loudly. The old woman sitting across from me asked if I was okay. Jokingly, I said, "Just dying." She replied, "You too, huh?" FML

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By OfficeSlave - United States

Today, I found out that my company is paying more for hors d'oeuvres at one party than I will receive for my entire year long internship. FML

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By beeee - Australia

Today, I moved in with my boyfriend. Up until now, I thought my cat was the only four year old I had to deal with. FML

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By I care too much

Today, I learned that the windows in my flat will be removed and then replaced with new ones. This would be very good, if it wasn't for the ongoing removal of the asbestos insulation in the very same flat. I guess the administration will pay less for scaffolding this way. FML

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By Celeste - Singapore

Today, I fell asleep in a taxi. So did the taxi driver. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Clemmons

Today, I had to explain to my pregnant friend that her plan to get drunk and get a tattoo needed to wait at least 8 months. She then went out for a smoke to calm down. FML

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By fleetingmemories - United States - Falls Church

Today, I had to bail my husband out of jail. It turns out that in the Black Friday rush, he beat a guy up just so he could get his hands on the last of a heavily-discounted item. The item in question: a toaster. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/3/2020 02:05

Dealing with it

Today, my husband's idea of social isolation is to lock himself in his caravan with his Xbox, 200 cans of beer and a dozen takeaway menus. I’ve not seen him in 6 days, and when I tried to force entry to tell him to snap out of it, he sprayed disinfectant at me until I couldn’t breathe. FML

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By malicemassacre - 21/3/2020 15:00

Capitalism kills

Today, the county I live in is quarantined. My boss announced that, "We keep working until the government says they will shoot us if we leave the house.” We work in a call center. Not essential at all. FML

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By - Canada

Submission

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. I thought I'd be spontaneous and spice things up, and gave her a spank across the butt. She started crying. FML

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By laptopsRus - United States

Today, while I was on my laptop, I decided to take a nap. Little did I know that my leg was covering up the cool air intake underneath the machine. I woke up an hour later with a first degree burn on my thigh. From a laptop. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was laundry day. After my fifth and final load, I noticed I never added any laundry detergent. FML

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By justdoingmyjob - United States

Today, I was meeting the mayor of a major city as part of an internship program. Seated directly in front of him during his presentation on the budget crisis, he unleashed an enormous, foul fart in front of the entire audience. And then blamed it on me, everyone believed him. FML

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By puppylove - Philippines

Today, my mom found me staring at my puppy's butthole. She'd also been standing there for 5 minutes. FML

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By Anna

Great, some ice cream!

Today, after three years of working at my current occupation, they decided to give me a bonus for all of my hard work and effort. A 5$ gift card to Cold Stone. FML

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By i fuckin love habaneros - United States - Charlottesville

Today, I'm so deprived of female attention that I got a hard-on when a nurse told me I have beautiful veins. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out through his Facebook update and a text message that my fiancé demoted me to girlfriend status. I was sitting in the next room. FML

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Top comments

By crudeandrudeguy | 29

#6681395 - Wednesday 31 August 2016 9:15

I don't remember seeing this muddy section on the map earlier... Uh...

By OysterPearls | 33

#6681416 - Wednesday 31 August 2016 9:39

Well this is how you know your husband the one: he'll still love you even after dealing with all your shit.

COMMENTS

By crudeandrudeguy | 29

#6681395 - Wednesday 31 August 2016 9:15

I don't remember seeing this muddy section on the map earlier... Uh...

By kimeatszombies | 22

#6681400 - Wednesday 31 August 2016 9:20

Reminds me of that camping episode of Bob's Burgers. Don't eat raw trout, kids.

Reply

tounces7 | 27

#6683495 - Sunday 4 September 2016 21:50

What I hate is that restaurants can do this and get away with it all the time. There's really squat you can do when they don't follow safe food handling practices and poison you.

By Seabass_Chan | 33

#6681404 - Wednesday 31 August 2016 9:24

So... is the FML that you got food poisoning, that you got food poisoning on your anniversary, that your husband has a shitty (pun intended) taste in anniversary gifts, or all of the above?

Reply

MDoremis | 38

#6681412 - Wednesday 31 August 2016 9:36

I don't really think this is all that confusing. It's bad all around.

Reply

mfmylifesrsly | 29

#6681419 - Wednesday 31 August 2016 10:03

I personally would love that as an anniversary gift (minus the food poisoning, of course) and I'm not even athletic or do stuff like hiking.

Reply

Lalala579121 | 27

#6681488 - Wednesday 31 August 2016 12:44

It's because the food poisoning ruined their anniversary trip. Is it really that difficult to figure out?

As for the "shitty taste in anniversary gifts", just because you wouldn't enjoy something doesn't mean others don't. And personally I think a walk/hike through the woods with nobody but my SO would be quite lovely.

By OysterPearls | 33

#6681416 - Wednesday 31 August 2016 9:39

Well this is how you know your husband the one: he'll still love you even after dealing with all your shit.

Reply

Lalala579121 | 27

#6681490 - Wednesday 31 August 2016 12:46

Well I don't really think this would qualify as dealing with OP's shit, unless she gets food poisoning on a regular basis.

By soodytheboi | 23

#6681467 - Wednesday 31 August 2016 12:11

No matter where you go hiking, you should always bring materials and/or a First Aid kit in case something like this happened. Be ready for the worst, even if it's extremely unlikely.

Reply

Lalala579121 | 27

#6681492 - Wednesday 31 August 2016 12:49

Especially if you're hiking somewhere you would need a map. Sure, state parks are a hell of a lot safer than hiking in the wilderness or backcountry, but you never know when something might happen when nobody is around.

By 1hardasswoman | 10

#6681577 - Wednesday 31 August 2016 15:34

Sq

By 1hardasswoman | 10

#6681579 - Wednesday 31 August 2016 15:38

C

By katachristic | 19

#6681595 - Wednesday 31 August 2016 16:16

Sucks that you got food poisoning, but you really should have been more prepared. At least you did bring some water and the map.

By jtsmommy | 11

#6681623 - Wednesday 31 August 2016 17:38

ALWAYS take a roll of toilet paper on hikes, preferably biodegradable or bring a plastic bag too. Sorry that your stomach ache ruined your anniversary outing though.

By lakesofire | 13

#6681648 - Wednesday 31 August 2016 18:22

did you happen to eat any of that other guy's spaghetti bolognese?