Love: Today, I got broken up with. In a text message. She texted my...

By braceforcarnage - United States

Today, I got broken up with. In a text message. She texted my grandma, who then had to forward said text to me. I got broken up via grandma. FML

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Love

Commando

Late term

Roommate from hell

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while my girlfriend and I were getting it on, she suddenly stopped and yelled "STOP!". I stopped, scared I'd hurt her. She then yelled "HAMMER TIME!" and started to dance. We never finished. FML

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By anon - United States

Today, I learned that my girlfriend is not a screamer nor a moaner, she's a biter. My arm is getting stitches right now. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I fell asleep while watching a movie. My puppy took this opportunity to help himself to half a gallon of vegetable oil. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/6/2020 02:03

Jaws 2: A Pig in the City

Today, after a childhood of battling bad teeth and cavities, I'm an overzealous brusher. I found out that I have cavities in all quadrants of my mouth from over-brushing, which will need multiple appointments to fill. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was changing my shirt in the bathroom when I dropped it. It fell on my foot, so I decided to flip it up with my foot instead of bending down to get it. I flipped it, and it landed in the toilet. Which somebody had not flushed. FML

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By verydepressed - Russian Federation - Seversk

Today, I spent half-an-hour listening to my therapist telling me enthusiastically how people used to communicate telepathically before verbal languages were invented. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was hiking down a steep hill, and I slipped. I instinctively grabbed the nearest object to me: a very prickly cactus. FML

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By helpme - United States - Brockton

Today, I got a new chair at work. After spending 3 hours putting it together, I was called into my boss's office and let go. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that me and my best friend are both pregnant. We live together, and both had one night stands with the same guy. Now we are going to be each raising his children in the same house while he has decided to "not get involved" and move to a different state. FML

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By itchy itches - 23/8/2020 05:05 - United States

Box of magic

Today, my neighbor brought home a box of kittens he found in the park. Instead of calling animal control, he decided to keep them. Besides the incessant meowing throughout the day and night, a massive horde of fleas decided to migrate through his light sockets and into my nice clean apartment. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I confirmed that my neighbors burn their garbage in their backyard. How? My dog just threw up a nice smelly consistency of spaghetti, plastic and cigarette butts on my carpet. FML

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By Girl123999 - United States

Today, I was talking to my mom. During the conversation she asked me, "Does he take his leg off when you guys are having sex?" Referring to the guy I've been seeing who has a prosthetic leg. My dad then asked, "Does he beat you with it too if you've been naughty?" FML

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By lifedamntough - Singapore

Today, I took a shower after I finished typing an important essay I've been working on for days. My computer illiterate mum shut the computer down when I was gone, without saving a thing. When I confronted her, she yelled at me for "wasting electricity". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to a baseball game. On the way in, I managed to trip and get stuck in the turnstile. It took five minutes of flailing and twisting around in front of hundreds of people before I managed to pull myself out. FML

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By Jorgen - United States

Today, at my workplace, $200 checks were given to every employee for how well the corporation was doing. The temps didn't get any. Guess who was the only temp. FML

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By omfgitburns

Today, I had a plaster cast removed from my arm. After telling the nurse it felt like the saw was cutting my skin, she tells me there is no way that it could touch my skin and that I was being paranoid. She cracked open the cast. Burns, blisters and bleeding skin were revealed. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland - Waterford

Today, I spent nearly half an hour trying to dispel my sister's belief that men have to strap down their penises before going jogging. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cuyahoga Falls

Today, I downloaded a movie for my mom that she really likes, "When Harry Met Sally". When she loaded the file, we soon found out it was actually some kind of obscure porno billed as "When Harry Wet Sally". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Long Beach

Today, feeling very distant to my daughter recently, I decided to sneak a peek in her diary to see what was on her mind. The book was apparently one of those that play the sound of a woman screaming when opened improperly, and alerted everyone in the house to my actions. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2020 23:02

Sike

Today, my 35 year-old sister, who has no job or life, came downstairs and told me she knows I can hear her thoughts. FML

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By showerpower - United States

Today, while in the shower with my girlfriend she was going on and on about how she thinks she's fat when she's in perfect shape. With what she said still on my mind, I meant to say "honey, you're so beautiful", but accidentally said "honey, you're so fat". I'll be sleeping alone tonight. FML

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By fulloshit - United States

Today, I woke up with extreme stomach pains. After being rushed to the hospital and having numerous tests performed, I was told my intestines were over-stretched with stool. I'm essentially so full of shit it hurts. FML

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By unsatisfied - France

Today, I lost my virginity. It took all of 30 seconds. FML

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By Magnus_the_Red - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me she didn't want to get it on with me because she didn't want to ruin my innocence. FML

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By dustlander.com - United States - Provo

Today, I was wrapping up a 30+ hour commission when a software bug caused my main layer to delete itself. There doesn't appear to be any way I can restore it. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after the last few months of my sister living with me while she finds her feet, I asked if she could help me out by doing the washing up. Half an hour later, I walked into knee high dish soap foam in the kitchen. My sister was right in the middle, trying to sculpt dicks. She's 20. FML

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By dannytriplet - United States

Today, I got my son's phone bill (the phone I got him to call us from college). I found out he's been calling a phone sex hotline everyday. He hasn't called us once. FML

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By beer guy

Today, I got punched in the back by elderly woman because she thought I was mocking the way she walked as I passed her. I was walking funny because I have a brace-boot on my foot due to the fact that it got run over. FML

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By biomajor99 - United States - Middletown

Today, I had to explain to my 23-year-old female friend that when I get my hysterectomy, I will still be able to poop. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I discovered that I sometimes talk in my sleep. After spending an amazing, perfectly romantic night with my boyfriend, I woke up to him telling me to leave. I have no idea what I could have said. He still won't talk to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I listened to my elderly bachelor neighbor moan, "Oh, kitty, kitty, kitty! Oh kitty!" for over half-an-hour before he wandered out on his balcony in wet, tight white underwear to water his plant. This is the fifth time this week, and I still don't know what on earth he's doing. FML

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By Dashofweak - United States - Mount Vernon

Today, I did the math and discovered that every year, I pay the equivalent cost of a luxury car to a college that can't even keep rats out of the dorms. FML

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By disney - United States

Today, I went to Disneyworld. I fell and hit my head while jumping up and down to see Ariel. I'm a 35 year old man. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I did my workout at the gym instead of at home as I usually do, since I'm paranoid about people seeing up my shorts. I told myself to get over it, because it's impossible. After my extensive workout, I realized that there was a hole in the crotch of my shorts. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spent hours cooking a big dinner for my parents for the first time. I guess I made the steak too rare, because when my dad cut into it, he said "Christ! This thing's practically alive!" and said a skilled vet could probably bring the cow it was cut from back to life. FML

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By humiliated - United Kingdom - London

Today, at the supermarket, I picked up a pack of toilet rolls, at which point my 5-year-old daughter turned to me and screamed, "A CLEAN BUTTHOLE IS A HAPPY BUTTHOLE!" in front of a dozen other people. I have no idea where she heard that. FML

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By Anonymous - Egypt - Cairo

Today, my boyfriend sat me down for a "confession". His confession consisted of him saying that "women are like a bag of chips," and that while you can love the smokey BBQ flavor, every once in a while you just have to go for some salt and vinegar. FML

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By NeedTea - United States

Today i stopped at Starbucks to get a tea before work and was surprised that there wasn't a line. As i was leaving the automatic door closed knocking my out of my hand. I headed back in only to discover a huge line had formed and they made me pay for the replacement that their door spilled. FML

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By box butt

Today, after much dieting and exercise, I can proudly say that my love handles are now bigger than my ass. FML

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By poorbastard - Canada - Longueuil

Today, I was called in over speakers at the airport. The man who was speaking clearly and nearly burst out laughing when he said my name. Soon, a few people around also snickered when they heard it. I had to wait five minutes before I could casually stand up. My last name is Bastard. FML

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Top comments

By animalxcrackers | 20

#6133113 - Tuesday 2 December 2014 18:09

Well that's a new one...

By MrConcise | 34

#6133115 - Tuesday 2 December 2014 18:10

What an old-fashioned dumping.

COMMENTS

By animalxcrackers | 20

#6133113 - Tuesday 2 December 2014 18:09

Well that's a new one...

brivielle | 15

#6133740 - Wednesday 3 December 2014 7:17

The lowest one. She had to skip two generations. Swell.

cdawg69 | 10

#6134024 - Wednesday 3 December 2014 17:44

now OP.. times is tough.. ya gotta ask yourself...Is Grandma available?

By MrConcise | 34

#6133115 - Tuesday 2 December 2014 18:10

What an old-fashioned dumping.

By jimmer23 | 21

#6133116 - Tuesday 2 December 2014 18:10

Nobody wants that... Seems wildly immature.

1dvos_grl3 | 21

#6133163 - Tuesday 2 December 2014 19:10

11, wow that's stupid. watch the guy be a catfish, bet she'd feel like an idiot then!

ShadowlessSpear | 21

#6133290 - Tuesday 2 December 2014 21:17

I'd hate to date a catfish.

erockinthesuburb | 17

#6133338 - Tuesday 2 December 2014 22:41

Yeah, whiskers aren't really attractive.

IamHercules | 24

#6133629 - Wednesday 3 December 2014 4:36

To you maybe ;P

By HarshD9619 | 34

#6133118 - Tuesday 2 December 2014 18:12

Tough luck OP, take care

By silvercamaro | 22

#6133119 - Tuesday 2 December 2014 18:12

Your grandma should've just to her to F off

By TPrice21 | 2

#6133120 - Tuesday 2 December 2014 18:13

That's...creative, sure, we'll call it creative. Sorry OP

gemstone586 | 12

#6133361 - Tuesday 2 December 2014 23:32

cowardly, you meant. that's the word you were looking for. damn auto correct

By tayymeds | 23

#6133121 - Tuesday 2 December 2014 18:13

Gotta keep grandma in the loop somehow, right?

By hard_candy | 25

#6133122 - Tuesday 2 December 2014 18:14

at least grandma didn't forward the text to everybody.

By Acacia21 | 23

#6133123 - Tuesday 2 December 2014 18:15

Hopefully your grandma likes to bake comfort foods.

By awkwardology | 23

#6133124 - Tuesday 2 December 2014 18:15

Your grandma is tech-savvy enough to forward a text? Mine doesn't know how to turn on her phone.

Ki11erC | 18

#6133185 - Tuesday 2 December 2014 19:29

What's this phone thing you're on about, back in my day....

JMichael | 25

#6133295 - Tuesday 2 December 2014 21:24

Back in my day we had to write letters. Then we had to walk to the post office and back up hill both ways just to be able to send it!

Arwen_Evenstar | 37

#6133556 - Wednesday 3 December 2014 3:01

The grandmother may only be in her 50s if OP is a teen. Which I hope he is based on the maturity of the ex.

Hiimhaileypotter | 52

#6134064 - Wednesday 3 December 2014 19:29

My grandparents are 60 and 62 (I'm 19) and both text :)

jelrid | 30

#6134201 - Thursday 4 December 2014 0:23

And in the current day, I still like to send people letters. It's just more personal that way!