Today, I got broken up with. In a text message. She texted my...

By braceforcarnage - United States

Today, I got broken up with. In a text message. She texted my grandma, who then had to forward said text to me. I got broken up via grandma. FML

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Love

Dangling modifier

Monetize your shit life

It's the thought that counts

By Lika1712 - India - Mumbai

Today, while at the bakery, I stood there trying to pick between black forest and dark chocolate. The salesman said kindly, "I've heard dark chocolate helps you lose weight. Yeah, you'd definitely want dark chocolate." FML

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By JoeBidenIsMyFIL - 2/3/2020 18:00

Boundaries, dude!

Today, I had to physically restrain my girlfriend from assaulting my father after he drunkenly poked her in the ribs for the fifth time. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2020 14:01

Office world is hell

Today, at work I was sitting on the toilet and a coworker came in and yelled, “That sounded like a big one!” and wouldn't leave until I left came out of the stall. FML

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By Mayyouneverfindpleasureinavagina - United States - Garden Grove

Today, at karate, my sparring partner thought it was completely okay to surprise kick me in the vagina. When he saw me doubled over in pain, he was completely surprised. Apparently, he thought that it wouldn't hurt, because I have no penis. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I worked security by myself in an office, which meant I had to eat at the desk and wasn't allowed to leave. I got written up for my husband dropping off my lunch. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving back from school 100 miles away from my home with my fiancé and dog. While stopping for gas, we accidentally left our car keys and cell phones in the car. The dog sat on one of the keys and engaged the locks. We were locked out of the car until the tow truck arrived. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I wanted to show my teenage daughter what we did when I was her age. We used to breakdance, so I stuck on a Grandmaster Flash track, and tried some old moves on the living room floor. I spun out of control, smacked my head into a wall and pulled a back muscle. FML

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By superficialheart - China

Today, while riding back from a weekend away with my boyfriend, we crashed his motorbike, resulting in us getting thrown over a barbed wire fence into a forest. I woke up in hospital. Apparently, in his adrenaline rush, he climbed back on his bike and continued his trip, forgetting all about me. FML

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By Satan's Mum - United Kingdom - London

Today, to teach my 14-year-old son a serious lesson for bullying a child at school again, I grounded him for the rest of the year. He just snorted and said, "Cool, I'll just jack off all year then! Thanks, mum!" and happily retreated to his bedroom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me while we were at the pool. He seemed shocked that I wasn't crying. A slim girl in a bikini walked past and said, "Don't worry, fat people are used to it." FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I checked my Tumblr account to see if anyone had commented on the photos of my new tattoo. There were only 3 posts, and 2 of them were people linking it to "Awful Tattoo" blogs. FML

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By stillembarrassed - United Kingdom

Today, the window cleaner did his rounds at my house. I sat at my mirror applying makeup and doing my hair. When he came to my window, he yelled rather loudly, "Stop putting on a show for me, you dirty slut!" FML

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By locked out - United States - Marion

Today, I called a locksmith to unlock my car. He got it unlocked, but broke the handle so the door wouldn’t open. We had to break a window to get in. He still charged me his usual fee. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I just found out that my current boyfriend and my ex-boyfriend are rooming together at college. Visits are going to be extremely awkward. FML

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By nightDREAMERms - United States

Today, I found out the hard way that I'm the "lucky" type of woman who can experience intense orgasms in certain positions: in the middle of group yoga. FML

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By kimmykins27 - United States

Today, we told my fiancé's parents that I'm pregnant. His mom's response? "I'm going to throw up. You can't raise a child." We are both 28, self-sufficient and everyone else is thrilled. FML

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By whatzthehell - Kuwait

Today, I woke up with a splitting headache. Then someone at work wouldn't stop whistling loudly and it was getting on my nerves. "Can the dick who is whistling please stop?" I asked. It was the general manager of my department. I'm still on probation. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I thought I'd wear my snow boots so I wouldn't slip on the ice at work. I crashed my car because I can't feel the pedals with my boots on. FML

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By JJBones - Canada - Red Deer

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend doesn't have time to text me back, but he does have time to post an entire Facebook album dedicated to cats. FML

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By Yubi - Belgium

Today, my mother told me: "If you didn't exist, I wouldn't stay with your father". So it's MY fault if she's having problems with him? FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend was such a coward that instead of breaking up with me, he changed his phone number. FML

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By hannaholic - United States

Today, I went on an excellent first date. After the 'end of the date kiss' came, "I suppose this is where I tell you that I'm married." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, I woke up in my living room after having a party. I then realized my fish tank with many different species was missing from its usual spot. After searching for a few minutes, I finally found it in the freezer. FML

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By DDRFreak - Canada - Kitchener

Today, I was playing Dance Dance Revolution in an arcade when a woman came up and asked me if playing it was my job. I laughed but then realized that it is actually the closest thing I have to a job. FML

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By crapules - France

Today, my boss asked me, "Can I give you some constructive criticism?" I said yes. He told me, "Your work is really shit. You have no talent and I can't figure out why I hired you." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out the guy I've been crushing on for many years thinks he's a werewolf. FML

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By Stupendous_ - Canada - Edmonton

Today, while visiting my widowed great aunt, she took out her wedding rings and talked about the love she and my uncle had. Smiling, I told her that one day I hope to have as happy a marriage as theirs. Her response? "Knowing you, I wouldn't count on it." My mother sat there agreeing. FML

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By SadisticSatire - United States

Today, I went to work to find two new beautiful trainees. I thought maybe I might be able to hook up with one of them, so I walk up and flash my blue eyes and begin to act like a gentleman. Not five minutes into our conversation the girls ask me if there are any cute guys working here. FML

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By Congrats to me - United States - Canton

Today, the only person in my entire family to show up sober and on time to my graduation was my grandma. FML

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By fabz - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, my boss confirmed he is a micro-managing asshole. We walked into the office together and I turned on the lights. He switched them off and switched them on again, just to make sure that I did it right. FML

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By Carnage23 - Germany - Herborn

Today, I was on a long roadtrip with my son. My son said he has to pee to which I answered he had to wait till I can stop the car. He started counting backwards from 10. I couldn't stop in time. FML

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By AyoitsSteveo - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to bother my friend Emily. I kept punching her. She asked if I wanted to fight. I agreed because she's a 15 year old skinny girl and I'm 17 year old buff guy. She beat the crap out of me until I cried. FML

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By Anonymous - Taiwan - Taipei

Today, while on a crowded public bus, a cute girl asked if she could sit next to me. Problem is, I didn't hear correctly and thought she asked if anyone was sitting next to me. I answered no, causing her to walk off angrily and earning me several disgusted stares from other passengers. FML

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By Anonymous - Taiwan

Today, I went to a club and my friends and I went up on the stage, then the security told me to get down and said the stage was only for girls. I'm 23. I'm a girl. FML

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By Anonymous - Saudi Arabia

Being nice is so 1968

Today, I decided to do something nice and compliment a stranger. I told a girl that I liked her skirt and that it looked good on her. She just rolled her eyes at me and said, "I'm not gay". FML

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By Loopylogo

Today, my boss came into the office asked how I was doing and seemed totally normal and happy, then said, "I have to let you go. I heard some bad things about you." He wouldn't tell me what he heard, or from whom. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2020 15:00

Clean me, humanoid

Today, I had to wash my cat. Twice. The first time was because he decided to roll over in the litter tray after using it. The second was the result of him pissing on the floor, then rolling in it right after I'd dried him from the first time. FML

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By Anonymous

Now I ain't saying she a gold digger...

Today, I was forced to sit silently through my 20-year-old daughter's wedding to a man who is 8 years older than I am. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Salem

Today, I had my first real break from work in ages, so I decided to go hiking. Less than 20 minutes in, I tumbled a couple hundred feet down a steep hill, broke my leg and several toes, and lay there in agony for an eternity before I was finally rescued. FML

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By fmerunning - United States

Today, the cable repairman came to fix my cable which has never worked well. The entire time he was talking about how much extra money he got the "fat bitch who moved here 6 months ago" to pay for her cable. I moved in 6 months ago. I was pregnant. FML

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Top comments

By animalxcrackers | 20

#6133113 - Tuesday 2 December 2014 18:09

Well that's a new one...

By MrConcise | 34

#6133115 - Tuesday 2 December 2014 18:10

What an old-fashioned dumping.

COMMENTS

By animalxcrackers | 20

#6133113 - Tuesday 2 December 2014 18:09

Well that's a new one...

brivielle | 15

#6133740 - Wednesday 3 December 2014 7:17

The lowest one. She had to skip two generations. Swell.

cdawg69 | 10

#6134024 - Wednesday 3 December 2014 17:44

now OP.. times is tough.. ya gotta ask yourself...Is Grandma available?

By MrConcise | 34

#6133115 - Tuesday 2 December 2014 18:10

What an old-fashioned dumping.

By jimmer23 | 21

#6133116 - Tuesday 2 December 2014 18:10

Nobody wants that... Seems wildly immature.

1dvos_grl3 | 21

#6133163 - Tuesday 2 December 2014 19:10

11, wow that's stupid. watch the guy be a catfish, bet she'd feel like an idiot then!

ShadowlessSpear | 21

#6133290 - Tuesday 2 December 2014 21:17

I'd hate to date a catfish.

erockinthesuburb | 17

#6133338 - Tuesday 2 December 2014 22:41

Yeah, whiskers aren't really attractive.

IamHercules | 24

#6133629 - Wednesday 3 December 2014 4:36

To you maybe ;P

By HarshD9619 | 34

#6133118 - Tuesday 2 December 2014 18:12

Tough luck OP, take care

By silvercamaro | 22

#6133119 - Tuesday 2 December 2014 18:12

Your grandma should've just to her to F off

By TPrice21 | 2

#6133120 - Tuesday 2 December 2014 18:13

That's...creative, sure, we'll call it creative. Sorry OP

gemstone586 | 12

#6133361 - Tuesday 2 December 2014 23:32

cowardly, you meant. that's the word you were looking for. damn auto correct

By tayymeds | 23

#6133121 - Tuesday 2 December 2014 18:13

Gotta keep grandma in the loop somehow, right?

By hard_candy | 25

#6133122 - Tuesday 2 December 2014 18:14

at least grandma didn't forward the text to everybody.

By Acacia21 | 23

#6133123 - Tuesday 2 December 2014 18:15

Hopefully your grandma likes to bake comfort foods.

By awkwardology | 23

#6133124 - Tuesday 2 December 2014 18:15

Your grandma is tech-savvy enough to forward a text? Mine doesn't know how to turn on her phone.

Ki11erC | 18

#6133185 - Tuesday 2 December 2014 19:29

What's this phone thing you're on about, back in my day....

JMichael | 25

#6133295 - Tuesday 2 December 2014 21:24

Back in my day we had to write letters. Then we had to walk to the post office and back up hill both ways just to be able to send it!

Arwen_Evenstar | 37

#6133556 - Wednesday 3 December 2014 3:01

The grandmother may only be in her 50s if OP is a teen. Which I hope he is based on the maturity of the ex.

Hiimhaileypotter | 52

#6134064 - Wednesday 3 December 2014 19:29

My grandparents are 60 and 62 (I'm 19) and both text :)

jelrid | 30

#6134201 - Thursday 4 December 2014 0:23

And in the current day, I still like to send people letters. It's just more personal that way!