Miscellaneous: Today, I got back from a weekend at my best friend's house. Apparently,... - FML

By wtfguys - United States

Today, I got back from a weekend at my best friend's house. Apparently, he and his friend invented a new game. It involves sticking duct tape to their pubic hairs, ripping them out, and sticking as many as possible on my face and body before I wake up. FML

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Dangling modifier

Medicare for all, please

Be prepared

By Marian - United States

Today, I had an anxiety attack when I was hanging out with my boyfriend. He pulled me close to him and I started to feel better, until he put my hand down his pants and around his penis and said, "Here! Try this to take your mind off it." FML

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By dammit - United States

Today, my nap was cut short by three bricks flying through my window. FML

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By Anonymous - Estonia - Tartu

Today, at the hardware store, I had to physically restrain my senile grandpa from trying to take a crap in one of the display toilets. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at work in the service department of a car dealership, I sat in the driver seat of an old man's car to get the mileage. He'd just pissed in the seat. FML

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By neverforgetyourphone - Canada - Barrie

Pile up

Today, I got into an accident. As I was talking to a police officer about what happened, the tow truck driver managed to take my car and drive away, leaving me with no phone or wallet. I just spent an hour walking home in a hail storm. FML

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By Goldar - United States

Today, thinking I was alone at work, I did an impression of Goldar from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. I turned around to find out I wasn't alone; a cute girl was staring at me, unimpressed. FML

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By jlujan00 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I cleaned up the dog poop from around the back yard. This is how I discovered that my dog's favorite snack appears to be used condoms. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, both my car and my father's car were broken into. They stole my radio, purse, wallet, camera, and multiple items of clothing. What did they take from my dad's car? Some screwdrivers to rip my radio out of my dash. FML

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By pretty poly - 10/11/2020 11:01

And today, on Dr Phil…

Today, my husband and I got into an argument. He wants to introduce our girlfriend to our kids and make her a part of our everyday family life. When we started this, I was under the impression that it was just a sex thing, and wouldn’t leave our bedroom. He wants to make her his second wife. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked in on my daughter lighting candles around one of her friends, who'd fallen asleep while her other friends chanted something in a different language. They still won't tell me what they were doing. FML

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By WaitedOut - United States - Saukville

Today, at work, I got to wait on one of those tables where everyone had very complex orders, and some of them sent their food back. When the time finally came for me to bring them their check and receive my well-earned tip, I returned only to discover that they'd dined and dashed. FML

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By me - United States

Today, I went to my parents' house. I recently lost about 30 lbs. My mom hugged me and said, "Aww, you're not my chubby baby girl anymore." She then said she wished I were still fat because she missed it. She's the reason I lost the weight; she used to tease and taunt me. Thanks Mom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came to the conclusion that you should always tell the truth. While I was busy reassuring her that the condom didn't break, she was telling me how it was okay because she was on the pill. According to the pregnancy test, we both lied. FML

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By XxMe123xx - France

Today, my boyfriend decided it would be funny to record us having sex and me screaming his name. He set it as my ringtone without telling me. I had my phone volume on high as I was hanging out with my family. FML

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By Crunchy - United States

Today, I had a job interview. Everything was going really well until I noticed a bug on my interviewer's lower neck. I shouted that something really disgusting was crawling on him. It turns out it was his big hairy mole. FML

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By Thank you, exactly what I wanted Sergeant

Today, my drill sergeant found out it's my birthday. I spent the rest of the day scrubbing large, filthy pots for the entire base of 2000+ and scrubbing grime off of bathroom walls. Happy birthday to me! FML

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By annonoymus - Australia

Today, I was having an in depth discussion with my girlfriends father about how corrupt journalists are and how our town's paper is the worst paper on the planet. After insulting basically everything about the newspaper, I asked him what he did for a living. He's the editor of the newspaper. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my 6-year-old son was being charming by smiling and batting his eyelashes at me. When I asked him, "What?" he replied, "When you die, can I have your hair?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend to a local drag racing spot to get her more involved with my friends. Her ex showed up and wanted to race me. I won the race, but blew my engine. I had to use his dad's towing service to get my car home. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/6/2020 17:04

This is us

Today, after 14 years of relationship, him forgetting every anniversary and birthday, and being disloyal several times, my boyfriend offered to buy us friendship rings. Because I according to him, I seem to care for such gestures, and it would fix our problems. 14 years. FML

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By Pants-Girl - Canada

Public surprise

Today, I was out walking downtown. A woman walking behind the thought that my pants were hanging too low. She came over to me and yanked my pants up. FML

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By alycion

Today, I woke up with my face flying at the wall. A muscle spasm had caused me to pop out of bed. I'm now dealing with a concussion and sprained neck, thanks to an almost physically impossible feat. FML

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By riiiighhhttttt - United States - Laurel

Today, I actually had to explain to my sister that Shrek was not in fact based on a true story. She replied that I'm a "clueless twat". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Gainesville

Today, I'm so sick, I'm even sick in my dreams. Orientation for my new job starts tomorrow. FML

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By smokin - United States

Today, someone had the unique opportunity to be able to say to me, "Excuse me, your pants are on fire." FML

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By chelle - United States

Today, I was laying in bed naked and blindfolded. I told my boyfriend he could do anything he wanted to me. About 30 minutes later I get out of bed and find him in the computer room play World of Warcraft. His friends needed him. FML

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By phone-less - United States - East Peoria

Today, I was at an amusement park with friends. We wanted to get a picture of all four of us, so we asked a nice-looking man to take it for us on my brand-new iPhone 6s. He took something. Unfortunately, it wasn't a picture. FML

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By Maggie - United States

Today, my husband woke up, rolled over, and said, "Good morning, beautiful." He hasn't called me that in months, but as I was about to reply, I realized he was talking to his pet turtle, not me. FML

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By riddick0846 - United States

Today, I accidentally ran over a squirrel on the road. I was late for work so I didn't stop. Later, someone keyed the word PETA into the side of my car. FML

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By thisshtissad

Travel away from the sadness

Today, I was thinking about how I saw Eric from That '70s Show at an airport and never said anything to him. I still regret it. FML

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By CanadianTwin - Canada - Grande Prairie

Today, I was walking in Walmart with my dad. We walked past the deodorant aisle. My dad said, "Need any deodorant?" I said, "No thanks." He replied, "That was a hint." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Watertown

Today, I felt bad about rarely complimenting my mom about her cooking, so during dinner, I raved about her incredible, creamy, macaroni and cheese. It came from a box. FML

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By jeffnn - United States - Melbourne

Today, while building a gingerbread house with my two kids, they thought it would be funny to pee on it while I wasn't looking. Nobody noticed until my wife ate one of the pee-covered gingerbread men. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I introduced my dad, who is a surgeon, to the TV show House. I thought it'd be a good bonding experience. How wrong I was. He spent the whole time yelling about the "insane" medical inaccuracies, then lectured me about my crappy taste in TV. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rahway

Double dipping

Today, I found out that I mean nothing to the man I have loved for over a year. He has been taking vacations with another woman, and is in fact, on a vacation with her right now. FML

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By Charles Pennington - United States

Today, I found out that my new roommate got kicked out of his old house because he pulled a gun on his old roommates and threatened them. The reason? They nagged him about dishes he left in the sink. Well, only 10 months left on the lease. FML

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By pinklatina - Canada

Today, I fell and fractured my tailbone. I just healed from my last tailbone fracture 4 weeks ago. FML

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By Melissa Barrios

Today, my son, who has ASD, told a woman how gigantic her butt was. While trying to remind him that some things are not nice to say, he screamed that her butt is the "giantest butt ever," like it was an accomplishment. FML

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By Jonas - United States - Wimberley

Today, I realized my paranoia is really bad when I saw my coworker holding a knife and immediately began thinking of ways to keep him from stabbing me. I work in a restaurant kitchen. FML

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By jerk - United States

Today, my friend decided to come clean to his parents about his pot usage. He told them that he did it with me on many occasions. His parents decided it would be the right thing to call my parents. Thanks a lot asshole. FML

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Top comments

By TanzWolf | 26

#6088517 - Monday 13 October 2014 16:12

Ouch, that sucks for them though... They must be good friends. The pain they went through just for you.

By xXToxicPenguinXx | 12

#6088519 - Monday 13 October 2014 16:13

i think i just threw up in my mouth a little bit

COMMENTS

By Nederlander95 | 14

#6088515 - Monday 13 October 2014 16:12

What a hairy situation.

Reply

sayyestothedress | 24

#6088549 - Monday 13 October 2014 16:22

No just don't

Reply

Roskosity | 22

#6088592 - Monday 13 October 2014 17:46

Yeah stop. Fur real.

Reply

gatorclay97 | 28

#6089072 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 3:06

GTFO.

Reply

incoherentrmblr | 21

#6089283 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 8:38

Don't cough up a pube ball now...

By TanzWolf | 26

#6088517 - Monday 13 October 2014 16:12

Ouch, that sucks for them though... They must be good friends. The pain they went through just for you.

Reply

EverestMelting | 23

#6088555 - Monday 13 October 2014 16:25

All joking aside, I think this can constitute as a situation where these are obviously OPs best friends. They probably wouldn't have done that if they didn't like OP.

Reply

stellamahone | 4

#6088596 - Monday 13 October 2014 17:50

lol op this reminds of spongebob

Reply

randomcrazyguy | 17

#6088676 - Monday 13 October 2014 18:56

Sweater of eyelashes? Maybe they will make him a pubic hair sweater

Reply

sexpectations | 15

#6088907 - Monday 13 October 2014 23:28

It really just seems like a lose-lose situation

Reply

Mauskau | 35

#6089021 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 1:31

You mean if they didn't like OP they wouldn't think of sticking their pubes on them? D:

By Adeptasaurus | 12

#6088518 - Monday 13 October 2014 16:12

I'm sorry op, *insert witty joke here*

Reply

PresidentNorth | 16

#6088567 - Monday 13 October 2014 16:34

Could have just put the joke. Now I'll forever wonder what witty joke you could have. Why couldn't you just put the joke?!?!

By xXToxicPenguinXx | 12

#6088519 - Monday 13 October 2014 16:13

i think i just threw up in my mouth a little bit

Reply

arrow007archer | 19

#6089064 - Tuesday 14 October 2014 2:40

That's Nasty

Reply

randomgirl1234 | 20

#6090275 - Wednesday 15 October 2014 18:24

Same. That's just gross

Reply

xXToxicPenguinXx | 12

#6090377 - Wednesday 15 October 2014 20:52

Well people don't get expressions.. smh

By missyfiona89 | 28

#6088522 - Monday 13 October 2014 16:14

Masochists. That's what they are.

By listner1 | 9

#6088524 - Monday 13 October 2014 16:14

That's plain disgusting.

By iAmPaul | 49

#6088531 - Monday 13 October 2014 16:15

Sounds like good old-fashioned fun.

By nela25 | 23

#6088532 - Monday 13 October 2014 16:15

I'm more concerned about the fact that they willingly decided to turn that into a game. Because waxing down there hurts like hell!

Reply

ninety | 25

#6088839 - Monday 13 October 2014 21:46

Right? Would have been way less painful to just shave and go from there.

By shay_serendipity | 29

#6088533 - Monday 13 October 2014 16:15

That is all kinds of messed up.

By justinemalang1 | 14

#6088535 - Monday 13 October 2014 16:16

What the fuck kind of friends are those? Hope you enjoyed the hairy situation. I'm just kidding.