Today, I got approached by a lady while eating at a fast-food... - FML

By Yeah - 24/10/2014 05:02 - United States - El Paso

Today, I got approached by a lady while eating at a fast-food restaurant who asked if I could spare five dollars. Confidently, I pulled out my wallet to show her that I had no cash, only to reveal a perfectly crisp five dollar bill that I had completely forgotten about. FML

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Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Assumptions

Trust

By Churizmo - 19/7/2009 18:52 - United States

Today, I was at a party and I really had to use the bathroom. There were 30-40 people talking outside the door, so I thought it would be ok to make some noise. Just as I'm about to begin having explosive diarrhea, everyone falls silent as my dad begins to pray for our meal. FML

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By t-dawg - 9/5/2009 04:18 - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny if I put a 'Free if Hot-Wired' sign on my friend's car. I guess it worked. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2011 12:52 - Australia

Today, my younger brother brought home his new bagpipes. My older brother plays the drums. I'm currently preparing to sit the most important exams of my schooling life. FML

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By - 13/3/2019 12:00

Today, my ex of 5 years got engaged after 5 months of us "taking a break." FML

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By - 9/6/2019 05:56

Catfished!

Today, I found out my husband has been "cheating" on me with some girl from Russia that he has to pay for regularly. This explains why he never has any money, he's actually dumb enough to be scammed. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/4/2017 00:00

Today, my husband told my 5-year-old daughter that if I swallowed a watermelon seed, I would get pregnant. Tonight, she dropped one in my mouth while I was asleep. FML

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By hellangelrose - 26/8/2014 07:48 - France

Today, I was staying in my family friend's house in France. The church bells ring every hour, which I thought was cute. Until 8 this morning where they rang 24 times. FML

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By Triple F - 7/3/2009 17:16 - United States

Today, I laced up my fabulous new boots and walked outside to find my hot neighbor, with whom I carpool every morning. I struck a pose, feeling quite confident. Upon taking my first step down the stairs, I fell forward. I woke up an hour later with 7 stitches in my head. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2009 18:14 - Canada

Today, my sister was playing a rock star in a play. When she got home, she told me she used one of my old guitars, because I told her it was ok. I said she could take one to practice on, not destroy on stage. FML

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By thanksforthat - 10/1/2013 23:11 - United States - Tunkhannock

Today, I went to the hospital with stomach pains. I found out I have mono, as well as a ruptured ovarian cyst, which may need surgery. I called my best friend for support, only for her to drunkenly yell at me for not being at her party, and that this could have waited till a better time. FML

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By ~__~ - 20/3/2015 21:23

Today, I had to bail my drunk dad out of jail after he beat the shit out of a mime artist. All he had to say on the matter was "Fucking bastard was playing mind games." and that he'd beat him up again if he could. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/7/2011 22:52 - United Kingdom

Today, a business man in his forties tackled me to the ground in an attempt to take my seat on a crowded train. When that didn't work, he called me a fat bitch and gave me the finger. The seat was given up for me because I'm seven months pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/5/2013 16:49 - United States

Today, my sister texted me, saying she was about to go into surgery. It's been a long time coming, and we've both been worried about what could happen. I texted "good luck" back. My phone autocorrected it to "goodbye" and I didn't even notice. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2014 13:07 - United States - Watchung

Today, my wife was giving me a blowjob when I foolishly asked her how she got so good at giving them. She looked straight into my eyes and replied, "Practising on about six guys before you." FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2010 22:27 - United States

Today, my mom informed me that my entire family puts their dirty towels on the towel rack in the bathroom instead of the hamper. I've been using their dirty towels after showers for as long as I remember. FML

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By anon - 7/11/2012 23:28 - United States

Today, I threw up after drinking a smoothie my mother made me. She then called me "ungrateful" and "immature" for not liking what she spent a long time making for me. I later found out that not only did she use expired yogurt, it was also a mango smoothie, which I'm allergic to. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2012 20:05 - United States

Today, I gave a homeless man my last bit of spare change so he could get on the bus. Just as I was about to get on too, I realized I'd lost my bus card. I had to get off the bus and watch as the man waved at me through the window. FML

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By PieterseMJ - 2/11/2012 12:17 - South Africa - Sandton

Today, my company had a Halloween party. I was so excited seeing as our company never does anything, so I pulled out all the stops with my costume. I was the only one who got dressed up. FML

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By Sarahfizzeller - 26/5/2010 20:13 - United States

Today, I found out my ex-boyfriend is moving out to California to be with a girl he met while on Chatroulette. We broke up because he thought we were moving too fast. FML

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By blegh - 1/4/2011 02:42 - United States

Today, I fell going down the stairs to the subway platform during rush hour. Someone was kind enough to help me up and someone else was kind enough to steal my iPhone which had fallen out of my pocket and landed nearby. FML

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By bsulyingb - 24/11/2013 19:59 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because "our priorities aren't the same." Her priorities turned out to be getting into my coworker's pants. FML

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By buggyluv - 30/6/2016 15:50 - United States - Edwardsville

Today, at my new job, a coworker offered to help me mop the floors since she wasn't busy. I ended up getting written up by my boss for supposedly being too lazy and making other people finish my work. FML

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By SmileAndSayHi - 1/6/2016 19:23 - United States - Hialeah

Today, the underwire in my bra snapped as my 9-hour workday started. FML

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By CodeJunky - 17/2/2016 02:15 - United States

Today, I found out how far my car can go after the fuel light comes on: All the way to the stoplight before the nearest gas station. FML

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By Synonymous_Rex - 5/1/2015 21:26 - United States - Thousand Oaks

Today, I went to gather the laundry out of the dryer. My daughter had seen my wife put bleach in the washer, so she decided that honey in the dryer would make the clothes smell sweet. She wasn't wrong, but now I have a giant ball of sticky socks and underwear. FML

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By sonofawackjob - 18/8/2017 17:15 - United States - Syracuse

Today, my raving lunatic mother screamed at me for being "disrespectful", threatened to not pay for my college, swore at me, and accused me of having multiple personality disorder, all in rapid succession. This was provoked by me sneezing. FML

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By Araya - 17/11/2009 16:12 - United Kingdom

Today, I had a pig kidney dissection in Biology. I see a 'sack' which appeared to contain a liquid. Being the curious type, I cut open the sack, spraying said liquid over me and my desk. My teacher, after giggling, informed me that the liquid was in fact urine. I was pissed on by a dead pig. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2018 19:00

Heart = Broken

Today, I got my lady bits waxed for my man with a little heart-shaped landing strip. Later, as he removed my panties, he crinkled his nose and stated, "It looks like Donald Trump." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/2/2012 02:42 - United States

Today, I found out that my desk is perfectly placed so that my boss can shoot me with a Nerf gun from his office. FML

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By daddydaughterWTF - 2/8/2012 00:06 - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Today, after spending five years regaining contact with my estranged father, I finally met him. I tearfully dropped my luggage and ran to hug him. He belched and told me to get in the car, because he had diarrhea. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2009 09:39 - New Zealand

Today, my boss rang me for the 5th time on my day off. Frustrated I pushed 'ignore' and yelled a string of obscenities at my phone. Turns out I pushed 'talk'. FML

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By dannij08 - 14/1/2009 01:05 - United States

Today, I stole one of my cousin's chocolates. I didn't tell her, after I ate it, I read the box and realized that it was a chocolate laxative. I'm posting this from the bathroom. FML

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By anonymous - 7/1/2011 20:21 - United States

Today, while on a six hour flight, someone offered to pay me $20 to swap seats with them. It seemed like a great deal, so I immediately accepted and moved to my new seat. I didn't realize my new neighbor was an old man with a raging boner. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2017 00:00 - Australia - Coogee

Today, while holidaying in Greece, I approached a cute girl in a club and offered her a drink in Greek. She said, "No Greek!" and then called me an "ugly kiss-ass" in English, thinking I wouldn't understand. I'm Australian. FML

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By theunborn - 19/6/2012 16:42 - France - Vic-fezensac

Today, my parents made a list of all the things they could have done had I not been born. FML

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By nakedyogagirl - 3/9/2010 00:16 - United Kingdom

Today, on my way to work, the obese old guy in the house opposite mine offered me tips on my yoga technique. Not only were his tips helpful, but I now know I should either close my curtains or put clothes on when I do yoga. FML

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By Peter80 - 3/3/2009 14:55 - Netherlands

Today, at work, our new cute intern asked me if I could explain my work. Taking a cool posture sitting on her desk I explained. After 10 minutes I walked away, only to hear her laughing with the girl next to her. Turns out my fly was open. And I didn't wear underwear. FML

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By unamyous - 8/6/2012 13:26 - United States - Canoga Park

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting hot in the bedroom. Her phone rang and she stopped to have an hour long conversation with her ex. FML

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By Banker - 30/1/2009 16:19 - United States

Today, I interviewed for a call center job making $13/hr, the only job where they called back. I used to live in a doorman luxury apartment in Manhattan with a prime skyline view and clubhouse. That was last month. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2009 01:54 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to be romantic and literally sweep me off my feet... directly into a door frame. Now my face is bruised, and the police officer at my school has asked me if I need to make a report about anything. FML

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Top comments

By obnum | 19

#6098836 - Friday 24 October 2014 12:31

You could've just said no in the first place, without showing her your wallet.

By kwyk | 23

#6098834 - Friday 24 October 2014 12:30

Life's not so bad when you can forget you have money in your wallet.

Comments

By HarshD9619 | 34

#6098832 - Friday 24 October 2014 12:28

Genuine mistake, not your fault buddy.

Reply

sayyestothedress | 24

#6099237 - Friday 24 October 2014 23:13

I love how he said "a perfectly crisp 5 dollar bill" if you replace "5 dollar bill" into "potato chip" it will sound like a lays chips commercial

Reply

onlychildFTW | 33

#6099683 - Saturday 25 October 2014 12:05

The good thing is by only having $5 he can sill say he can't spare it since it is all he has. The bright side of a mistake!

By EuphoricSadness | 18

#6098833 - Friday 24 October 2014 12:29

It's as if she was expecting it.

By kwyk | 23

#6098834 - Friday 24 October 2014 12:30

Life's not so bad when you can forget you have money in your wallet.

Reply

CoGhostRider | 31

#6098897 - Friday 24 October 2014 14:33

I don't think it applies if it's a five, not in this economy.

By jack_jill05 | 14

#6098835 - Friday 24 October 2014 12:31

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

notgointoeurope | 11

#6098856 - Friday 24 October 2014 13:01

thats just... why would the lady spend her time doing something worthless?

Reply

byEyecandy | 10

#6098868 - Friday 24 October 2014 13:31

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

cinskeep43 | 15

#6098885 - Friday 24 October 2014 14:09

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Cass_x | 22

#6098903 - Friday 24 October 2014 14:37

"Seems logical to me". Really? Does it? Idk about others but to me it certainly doesn't.

Reply

jack_jill05 | 14

#6098917 - Friday 24 October 2014 15:15

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Cass_x | 22

#6098923 - Friday 24 October 2014 15:37

Obviously I'm not the only one who didn't "get it" since your comment is buried.

Reply

jack_jill05 | 14

#6098929 - Friday 24 October 2014 15:57

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

SystemofaBlink41 | 27

#6098953 - Friday 24 October 2014 17:04

I understood it, and found it funny. Guess I'm in the minority.

Reply

Geeve95 | 11

#6098959 - Friday 24 October 2014 17:15

*face palm*

Reply

defnotapedophile | 10

#6099057 - Friday 24 October 2014 19:11

This is why children shouldn't be allowed on the Internet

Reply

coming back in the future | 30

#6099218 - Friday 24 October 2014 22:54

40 your pic is scary

Reply

Marcella1016 | 29

#6099266 - Saturday 25 October 2014 0:10

#5 was obviously joking. Seriously you guys are so harsh here. Give her a break.

Reply

brand125 | 17

#6099494 - Saturday 25 October 2014 4:23

are people really that dumb to take 5 seriously? wowwwww i actually cant believe it..

Reply

ARetardedSeal | 24

#6099591 - Saturday 25 October 2014 6:51

Check yourself before you shrek yourself

Reply

liesseling | 13

#6106725 - Saturday 1 November 2014 19:29

I'm probably the only one with humor here cause this made me giggle.

By obnum | 19

#6098836 - Friday 24 October 2014 12:31

You could've just said no in the first place, without showing her your wallet.

Reply

seriouslygrowup | 11

#6098863 - Friday 24 October 2014 13:12

The OP's attitude was a little douchie if, instead of saying no, you want to prove to them that you don't have any money. That's karma for you, glad for the lady who got the 5 dollars :)

By uniformed | 13

#6098837 - Friday 24 October 2014 12:36

Hope you still told her to get lost.

By Grauncho | 26

#6098838 - Friday 24 October 2014 12:37

You couldn't have just said "no"?

By ComoEsJuan | 24

#6098839 - Friday 24 October 2014 12:38

Put your money where your mouth is.

Reply

brivielle | 15

#6098937 - Friday 24 October 2014 16:08

In your face?

By keiNan_fml | 35

#6098841 - Friday 24 October 2014 12:38

happens!

By myGRAM | 14

#6098842 - Friday 24 October 2014 12:39

I didn't realize how much inflation has affected us all. I guess spare change just isn't good enough anymore...