Today, I got approached by a lady while eating at a fast-food... - FML

By Yeah - 24/10/2014 05:02 - United States - El Paso

Today, I got approached by a lady while eating at a fast-food restaurant who asked if I could spare five dollars. Confidently, I pulled out my wallet to show her that I had no cash, only to reveal a perfectly crisp five dollar bill that I had completely forgotten about. FML

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Social distancing gone wrong

Fashion Police

Tense

By presidont - 18/10/2009 12:25 - Switzerland

Today, it was the elections for Student Council President. I decided to be nice and vote for the only other competitor because it was her birthday. I lost by one vote. FML

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By rinala - 1/7/2012 07:07

Today, my boyfriend decided to start an argument and storm off the train we were on. Two stops later, ticket inspectors hopped on the train. He had our tickets. FML

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By Crumpet - 25/6/2010 07:08 - Canada

Today, I realized that when my boyfriend said, "I'll love you forever" what he really meant was, "I'll love you until I meet your significantly more attractive sister." FML

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By dude i am so sorry - 19/9/2016 19:54 - United States - Richmond

Today, I found out what happens when you sleep with a girl your chemistry major friend likes. He put silver nitrate in my body wash and shampoo. I look like I survived an explosion in a Sharpie factory. He says it'll come off "in a few days". FML

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By Happyunlucky - 20/7/2013 06:31 - United States - Andover

Today, I announced my first pregnancy to my family. Not to be outdone, my sister immediately announced that she "might" be getting pregnant soon. My family ended up congratulating her instead, and asked me if I would plan the baby shower. FML

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By notababymama - 7/2/2010 17:41 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years saw baby wipes in my bathroom and assumed I had a kid. He broke up with me. I use baby wipes to take off my makeup. FML

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By Depression... - 10/10/2012 06:01 - United States

Today, I had my first orgasm. Unfortunately, it was during breakup sex. FML

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By mylifereallysuks - 8/11/2009 06:07 - United States

Today, I got an email from my cute teacher about reminding us to bring stuff for the next lesson. As a joke I clicked on reply and wrote about how I think he is so cute and handsome. Right then and there I clicked to go look at other messages. A little box came up..."MESSAGE SENT". FML

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By ryansmithho - 24/11/2010 19:06 - United States

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend of 4 years. I took the whole day to cook a nice meal, and stuck the ring in a cookie that I was going to give to her. In the middle of the dinner I was holding the cookie under the table, about to give it to her. My dog ate it. FML

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By kai - 27/1/2009 01:32 - United States

Today, the only guy who I ever thought liked me for my personality said he had something important to tell me. Later I got an e-mail from him saying he is "worried about me because I lack the skills to get along with other people." FML

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By joolsie - 13/4/2012 13:11 - United Kingdom - York

Today, a guy asked me why I'm single. As a joke, I told him that not only do I have a penis, but that it's so large that most men are intimidated by it. He wasn't impressed. And I actually wonder why I'm single. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2010 16:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that the foundation I've been using for the past month isn't normal foundation, its skin darkening foundation. I look like an oompa loompa from the neck up. It won't go away for another month. FML

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By oh no - 22/6/2015 20:58 - United States - Vallejo

Today, I went to my girlfriend's parents' house for lunch. I ended up in the bathroom constipated and remembered reading it's easier to "go" if you are squatting. My girlfriend's dad walked in on me perched on the toilet like an owl. FML

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By fox_at_heart - 30/9/2016 02:21 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I found out my father has been saving money to help me buy my first car. In the same conversation, I found out my mother, unbeknownst to my dad, used nearly all of the money to bail my drunken, deadbeat uncle out of jail for the 4th time a month ago. He is now back in prison. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2016 14:42 - United States - Pardeeville

Today, my dad might be dead. I'm basing this solely on the fact that he hasn't called recently to verbally abuse me as he often does. He constantly beat me as a child, yet now I'm kind of worried for the piece of shit. FML

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By Angry Mob - 1/2/2013 06:09 - Australia - Sydney

Today, most of my neighbours came to my house in an angry mob to complain about my dog barking. I don't have a dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2010 00:36 - Australia

Today, I found out my girlfriend only gets aroused after watching Jersey Shore and will only have sex immediately after an episode. I think the worst part is, I'll take what I can get. FML

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By Joey - 24/7/2012 05:04 - United States - Tampa

Today, on my way to work, I noticed a woman on the side of the road waving for help, her car appearing to be broken down. I pulled over, stepped out of my car, went over to her car, lifted the hood, and checked it. When I looked up to tell her what was wrong, she and my car were gone. FML

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By Plasticface - 14/5/2011 13:32 - United States

Today, I found there was a 4 year old boy behind me on my flight. When I looked at him, he screamed playfully and hid. I decided to play tiger with him. While I was grinning like a tiger and trying to scratch him, he smashed a water bottle across my face. I now have a black eye. FML

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By Tjop - 15/4/2011 11:50 - South Africa

Today, my girlfriend of 3 and half years broke up with me, just after I fixed-up her house that took me about 3 and a half years. FML

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By CyberPsycho - 28/7/2016 16:24 - United States - Nashville

Today, I noticed quite a few scars on one of my coworker's legs. I pulled her aside and told her that self-harm was never the answer, and if she needed to talk I was always there. Turns out she's just clumsy and trips a lot. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/2/2012 03:07 - United States

Today, I was feeling frisky for the first time in months, so I started feeling up my husband. He kept insisting he had a headache and that he wasn't feeling it tonight. When I noticed his sarcasm, he said "Yeah, doesn't feel so great, does it?" and turned the TV volume up. FML

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By anon - 21/6/2011 11:52 - United States

Today, I finally went on a date with my crush. When he kissed me goodnight, it made me think of a dying slug. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2020 14:00

Dad jokes, part 43884

Today, I met my girlfriend's dad, who it turns out is such an anime nerd he decided to overplay the "idiot overprotective dad" character all afternoon, including making the dramatic faces, playing theme music from his phone, and at one point threatening my genitals with an oversized foam battle axe. FML

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By MeepMeep - 8/4/2018 01:30

Meep Meep

Today, I had to do a Google Image search to prove to my 32-year-old husband that road runners are real animals, and not just made up for Looney Toons. FML

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By Broken - 29/6/2018 19:00

Today, the ex of my boyfriend of 18 months called me and put her phone in her purse. I heard my boyfriend say he's sick of me, he hasn't been happy for a year, and he's afraid to leave because he feels sorry for me. He bought her a ring. I got earrings. FML

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By nuns aren’t sexy - 7/5/2019 02:00

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend with some kinky role play. I chose a sexy naughty nun's outfit, complete with head cover, thigh-high stockings and crotchless panties. I guess my outfit was a little too convincing, because he couldn’t get it up. Thanks Catholic guilt. FML

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By Unsuspecting - 16/4/2016 12:23 - United States

Today, I started my period almost a week earlier than I expected to. I also happened to be at the beach with a guy that I really liked when it started. He was the one who noticed, and he informed me by saying that we couldn't go back in the water or we would be eaten by sharks. FML

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By beccaj_ilh - 6/9/2009 15:04 - United Kingdom

Today, while I was working in a bar, a very fat drunk guy kept flirting with me. He assumed I liked him because I kept blushing. I didn’t. It’s just been so long since anyone flirted with me that I apparently now cannot control my reactions if a man talks to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2009 14:18 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend was wearing a new shirt he had bought over the weekend. It was really cute and I always borrow his shirts so I asked to borrow his new one. He replied with, "Okay but please don't stretch this one." FML

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By fuckinghicks - 30/12/2013 23:48 - United States

Today, while going on a jog through the countryside, I discovered that it is actually possible outside of crappy TV shows to have a rifle leveled at you, and to be shouted at to, "Get off my land." FML

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By Just..why - 25/3/2019 14:00

Today, I ran a mile for my gym class. While I managed to cut two minutes off my time, a few minutes later I felt dizzy and nauseous, which I thought was because I pushed myself too hard. I collapsed and vomited in front of everyone. Not a single person moved to help me. Not even the teacher. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2011 20:46 - United States

Today, I was making a snowman with my little cousin. I was collecting snow just outside the house, when out of nowhere a snowball struck me in the back of the head and caused me to headbutt the wall. I woke up a short while later to a medic telling me I had a nasty concussion. Thanks, cousin. FML

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By squirt - 5/7/2009 16:48 - United States

Today, was my wedding day. Right before I walked down the aisle in my gorgeous white dress the woman who did my makeup saw a blemish. She went to squirt concealer on her finger and squirted the orange concealer all over my dress. FML

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By AnonymousAmber - 31/10/2014 23:10 - United States - Yadkinville

Today, my best friend told me that she was a virgin again because she hadn't had sex in 6 months. She's 19 and actually believes it. FML

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By Ryan - 11/6/2011 14:24 - United States

Today, I dreamed that I was making out with a cute girl. Just as I was about to take it to the next level, she suddenly burst into tears and said, "I'm sorry, I can't do this." I can't even get laid in my dreams. FML

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By disneyworld - 14/2/2010 05:49 - United States

Today, my dad decides to tell me he's taking the whole family to disney world, even my step-brother's girlfriend. But not me, because he can't "afford" it. FML

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By fuckthisandfuckthatandfuckyoutoo - 28/7/2013 16:23 - United States

Today, I was preparing a customer's meal in my restaurant's kitchen, when I choked on my own saliva and went into a coughing fit. The head chef, who's always hated my guts, accused me of trying to hock a loogie into the meal and fired me on the spot. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2019 18:00 - United States

Dumpy baby

Today, on my birthday, my mother described my birth like a large, painful bowel movement in front of all my friends. FML

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By Johntheladdo - 29/3/2011 17:26 - United Kingdom

Well?

Today, I heard the four most dreaded words known to man during my first time: "Is it in yet?" It was. FML

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Top comments

By obnum | 19

#6098836 - Friday 24 October 2014 12:31

You could've just said no in the first place, without showing her your wallet.

By kwyk | 23

#6098834 - Friday 24 October 2014 12:30

Life's not so bad when you can forget you have money in your wallet.

COMMENTS

By HarshD9619 | 34

#6098832 - Friday 24 October 2014 12:28

Genuine mistake, not your fault buddy.

Reply

sayyestothedress | 24

#6099237 - Friday 24 October 2014 23:13

I love how he said "a perfectly crisp 5 dollar bill" if you replace "5 dollar bill" into "potato chip" it will sound like a lays chips commercial

Reply

onlychildFTW | 33

#6099683 - Saturday 25 October 2014 12:05

The good thing is by only having $5 he can sill say he can't spare it since it is all he has. The bright side of a mistake!

By EuphoricSadness | 18

#6098833 - Friday 24 October 2014 12:29

It's as if she was expecting it.

By kwyk | 23

#6098834 - Friday 24 October 2014 12:30

Life's not so bad when you can forget you have money in your wallet.

Reply

CoGhostRider | 31

#6098897 - Friday 24 October 2014 14:33

I don't think it applies if it's a five, not in this economy.

By jack_jill05 | 14

#6098835 - Friday 24 October 2014 12:31

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

notgointoeurope | 11

#6098856 - Friday 24 October 2014 13:01

thats just... why would the lady spend her time doing something worthless?

Reply

byEyecandy | 10

#6098868 - Friday 24 October 2014 13:31

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

cinskeep43 | 15

#6098885 - Friday 24 October 2014 14:09

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Cass_x | 22

#6098903 - Friday 24 October 2014 14:37

"Seems logical to me". Really? Does it? Idk about others but to me it certainly doesn't.

Reply

jack_jill05 | 14

#6098917 - Friday 24 October 2014 15:15

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Cass_x | 22

#6098923 - Friday 24 October 2014 15:37

Obviously I'm not the only one who didn't "get it" since your comment is buried.

Reply

jack_jill05 | 14

#6098929 - Friday 24 October 2014 15:57

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

SystemofaBlink41 | 27

#6098953 - Friday 24 October 2014 17:04

I understood it, and found it funny. Guess I'm in the minority.

Reply

Geeve95 | 11

#6098959 - Friday 24 October 2014 17:15

*face palm*

Reply

defnotapedophile | 10

#6099057 - Friday 24 October 2014 19:11

This is why children shouldn't be allowed on the Internet

Reply

coming back in the future | 30

#6099218 - Friday 24 October 2014 22:54

40 your pic is scary

Reply

Marcella1016 | 29

#6099266 - Saturday 25 October 2014 0:10

#5 was obviously joking. Seriously you guys are so harsh here. Give her a break.

Reply

brand125 | 17

#6099494 - Saturday 25 October 2014 4:23

are people really that dumb to take 5 seriously? wowwwww i actually cant believe it..

Reply

ARetardedSeal | 24

#6099591 - Saturday 25 October 2014 6:51

Check yourself before you shrek yourself

Reply

liesseling | 13

#6106725 - Saturday 1 November 2014 19:29

I'm probably the only one with humor here cause this made me giggle.

By obnum | 19

#6098836 - Friday 24 October 2014 12:31

You could've just said no in the first place, without showing her your wallet.

Reply

seriouslygrowup | 11

#6098863 - Friday 24 October 2014 13:12

The OP's attitude was a little douchie if, instead of saying no, you want to prove to them that you don't have any money. That's karma for you, glad for the lady who got the 5 dollars :)

By uniformed | 13

#6098837 - Friday 24 October 2014 12:36

Hope you still told her to get lost.

By Grauncho | 26

#6098838 - Friday 24 October 2014 12:37

You couldn't have just said "no"?

By ComoEsJuan | 24

#6098839 - Friday 24 October 2014 12:38

Put your money where your mouth is.

Reply

brivielle | 15

#6098937 - Friday 24 October 2014 16:08

In your face?

By keiNan_fml | 35

#6098841 - Friday 24 October 2014 12:38

happens!

By myGRAM | 14

#6098842 - Friday 24 October 2014 12:39

I didn't realize how much inflation has affected us all. I guess spare change just isn't good enough anymore...