Intimacy: Today, I got an iPhone, I was excited and because I have a new... - FML

By pummy - United States

Today, I got an iPhone, I was excited and because I have a new number I wanted to mess with my girl a little. I started sending her provocative messages, and after 4 or 5 of them, I discovered I had entered her number wrong and was talking dirty to a man named Noah. FML

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Messed up

Sorry…

Life of Brian

By Overprotected - United States

Today, my parents decided they are going to come with me on my first date. FML

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By Failoffel - United States

Today, while working my job as a cashier, one of the customers that came to the register was a midget. As part of store policy, I had to ID him, and his driver's license said he was from Florida. So I asked, without catching myself, "How's the weather down there?" FML

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By Superwoman678 - 27/10/2020 05:01 - Canada

Not a sponsored post, honest

Today, I found out that I'm pregnant. This brings me bad news and good news. The bad news, I'm a vegetarian. The good news, I finally know why I've been craving Big Macs for the last two weeks. FML

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By jtaylor94 - Canada

Today, my dad's boss called our house and I answered. He said "is your dad home?" I replied "I'll go check." I put the phone on mute and asked my dad if he wanted to talk to his boss. My dad says "Does that asshole not have a life?" Turns out the phone wasn't on mute, it was on speaker. FML

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By

Today, I saw my little brother drink from the milk carton, gag, and spit the milk back in. FML

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By killmenow - Canada - Halifax

Today, I burped in front of my crush. Well, not really in front of him. I turned around mid-burp and noticed him, not knowing anyone was there. The surprise made me scream a little, which only amplified the burp. So I made this mighty belch-turned-scream noise, while maintaining eye contact with him. FML

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By em - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend came home drunk. As he got home he asked me to marry him, I was going to say yes until he said, "Oh wait, wrong woman." FML

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By Anonymous - Brazil - Jacare

Today, my mom started her new job; she's now my new coworker. She's already told the other girl I'd said she talks too much, and has berated me for not calling her "mom" while at work. FML

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By Pratik_ra - 1/12/2020 07:58

Rolling in it

Today, I got raise at work. It's $3 per month. FML

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By NCanalyst - Norway

Today, I interviewed potential employees for a job position that I was supposed to get promoted to. FML

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By btswc - United States

Today, I asked my husband, of only a year, why we don't have sex anymore. He said it's because he masturbates. When I asked how often he did it, he replied "Every day that we don't have sex..." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rochester

Today, as I listened to the guy I've been seeing pour his heart out to me, all I could think about was how much I needed to poop. FML

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By sadfantasy - Canada - Toronto

Today, the mentally-challenged teen who sometimes comes into my restaurant gave me a hug as usual. I thought it was sweet, until a coworker let me know he immediately goes and jacks off in the bathroom after. FML

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By prego - United States

Thanks mom, you're the best

Today, I called my mom into my room to ask her to bring me something. She referred to me as a "lazy fat slug." I'm 38 weeks pregnant and was put on emergency bedrest by my doctor. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/4/2021 11:01

Yellow

Today, a friend of mine has stopped brushing his teeth, because, "animals don’t brush their teeth either." You know what else animals don’t do? Smoke a pack of Marlboros a day. FML

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By fEk - Australia

Today, I couldn't find my reading glasses, thinking perhaps i'd dropped them outside, I stepped off my deck bare foot, straight into a steaming dog turd. Only to see my glasses chewed up a few feet away. It went between my toes. FML

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By Guessmyproffhatesme

Today, in exams to become a funeral director, my full name was used as the example of the deceased in a few questions. Actually, 22 questions. FML

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By O_o - United States - Simi Valley

Today, I had to explain to my husband why saving the condom from the first time we had sex is not romantic. FML

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By jasmith - United States - Addison

Today, my girlfriend claimed she was a Viking because she's pale and has blond hair. She also warned me that if I piss her off she'll go 'berserk' on me. She demonstrated by smacking me in the nuts with a wooden spoon. FML

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By leena - United States - Encinitas

Today, my two best friends that I've known since middle school broke up. I'm glad I'm no longer a third wheel but now they won't talk to each other and both use me to complain about the other. FML

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By ThreeHoursEarly

What's the time, please?

Today, I was told to be present for a meeting that started at 5pm. I arrived 15 minutes early, and I was late for the meeting. This happens regularly. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my little brother was playing with my cat, getting it to chase a laser pointer. He thought it would be funny to shine the laser pointer over my nuts. FML

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By Twinner - Canada

Today, I learned that being a twin really isn't that cool. After laughing at my twin brother for getting a speeding ticket he turns to me and says "It's not mine." Confused, I look at the ticket and see my name. He used my license. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my sixteen year old son told me that he's following his guidance counselor's advice: to do what his hero does for a living. The problem? His hero is SpongeBob Squarepants. His ambition in life is to become a fry cook. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Blue Springs

Today, I held hands with the boy I like. Without thinking, I commented that his right hand is softer, as if he only used lotion on that one hand. And then we stood there in terribly awkward silence. FML

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By Typidiot

Today, I spent ages writing a draft press release as part of a copywriting job application. I worked really hard and read it through several times before submitting. They emailed me to point out that I'd misspelled the name of the company. Twice. FML

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By Leota - United States

Today, I received a message on Facebook from a guy I've liked for a year. He asked me if I wanted to hang out, so I said yes. When I walked out to his car later on, he gave me a really confused look. Apparently I was on my brother's Facebook, and he'd never logged out. FML

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By Whoops - United States

Today, at my job in a nursing home, the State Department of Health inspected us, during which a dementia patient repeatedly screamed that I always hurt her. This was the first time that I'd ever seen her. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was puked on for the third time in three years at our annual choir concert. What makes it so significant? The fact that the same guy pukes on me every year from stage fright. We're arranged alphabetically, and he's always in the row RIGHT above me. FML

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By Anonymous

Waste of time

Today, I hooked up with a guy. He didn't last 30 seconds before finishing, Then his car wouldn't start. I ended up walking home after a hook up that wasn't worth it. FML

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By At least she knows I floss - United States - Pomona

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents and everything was going perfectly. He and I even had some time alone upstairs, where I gave him a blowjob. After dinner, his mom helpfully pointed out something stuck in my braces and inspected it for me. It was a pube. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was attending a drug-free lecture at school. The speaker said, "There are many ways to quit smoking. You can try patches, gum, or even quitting cold turkey. Any questions?" I raised my hand, and she called on me. I asked, "How does cold turkey help?" And then I realized. FML

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By unloved - United States

Today, during an argument with my daughter she screamed "everyone hates you!" and stormed off. I flopped down on the couch in frustration where the cat jumped on my lap. "You love me, don't you?" I asked the cat. She crapped on my leg and went to my daughter's room. FML

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By Steven Haga - 23/4/2021 04:00 - United States - Milwaukee

Messy situation

Today, I ordered some food and included a slice of cheesecake. However, I think they glued the Tupperware lid together and I didn't actually want to launch the cheesecake into the air when I finally got it open. FML

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By screwed - Canada

Today, I accidentally walked in on my roommate while she was changing clothes. She insisted on telling her boyfriend what had happened, because, "It wouldn't feel right" if she didn't. Her boyfriend is a MMA fighter/bodybuilder and has major jealousy issues. I'm screwed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pittsford

Today, my cat jumped on my shoulders, but stepped in my hood and choked me and when I panicked she dug her claws into my shoulders. FML

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By Anonymous

Stereotypes

Today, my girlfriend's Facebook relationship status was changed to single. When I tried to ask her about, she told me she's a lesbian now. Her mullet should've been a clue. FML

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By Seriously?

Today, my friend with benefits got my new car stuck in a mud hole. I had to call my ex to get us unstuck. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was engaged in intercourse with my fiancée when her dog decided take a loud dump in front of the fan that was pointed at us. Needless to say, intercourse ended very abruptly. FML

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By Helseac

Today, I noticed my husband makes better sex sounds on the toilet then he does with me. FML

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Top comments

By mrollg | 0

#595486 - Wednesday 30 September 2009 9:45

i totally thought this was going in a different direction!

By amerrah | 4

#974237 - Monday 5 April 2010 5:39

Hmm I wonder if Noah invited him to ride his ark.

COMMENTS

By mrollg | 0

#595486 - Wednesday 30 September 2009 9:45

i totally thought this was going in a different direction!

Reply

amerrah | 4

#974237 - Monday 5 April 2010 5:39

Hmm I wonder if Noah invited him to ride his ark.

Reply

eminemXshady | 0

#2241675 - Friday 25 March 2011 22:44

haha 23 win

By Dreamworld_fml | 0

#595542 - Wednesday 30 September 2009 11:40

Hotness you should have seen where the provocative conversation would go ; )

By Cristaderzi | 0

#595549 - Wednesday 30 September 2009 11:52

lol yep me too!!! lol
I though his GF was gonna get mad lol

By bcopeland | 0

#595602 - Wednesday 30 September 2009 13:10

did Noah get excited?

Reply

bananaphone122 | 0

#3245434 - Tuesday 6 September 2011 8:38

My names noah...

By dnlphm94 | 0

#595633 - Wednesday 30 September 2009 13:52

Forgetting your own girlfriend's number...o.o 

By tothepound | 0

#596012 - Wednesday 30 September 2009 19:32

i thought your gf would go along with it and you would get mad haha

By arnold38 | 1

#596137 - Wednesday 30 September 2009 20:34

Not a big deal dude. who cares about Noah

Reply

uunnkknnoowwnn | 0

#1118789 - Wednesday 21 July 2010 9:38

That's what I thought too haha.

Reply

jrgr | 6

#4560688 - Wednesday 13 June 2012 9:45

Lol poor Noah

By highboots30 | 0

#596603 - Thursday 1 October 2009 0:16

that's an iPhone for ya it's only the first of mistakes b careful this phone has a mind of it's own

By Bravesman16 | 0

#596617 - Thursday 1 October 2009 0:25

fk'n great!

By j3nn1987 | 0

#596705 - Thursday 1 October 2009 1:25

Well look on the bright side... At least they didn't play it out! that woulda been embarrassing!