Intimacy: Today, I got an iPhone, I was excited and because I have a new... - FML

By pummy - United States

Today, I got an iPhone, I was excited and because I have a new number I wanted to mess with my girl a little. I started sending her provocative messages, and after 4 or 5 of them, I discovered I had entered her number wrong and was talking dirty to a man named Noah. FML

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Thanks for the miracle

Freak out

Broke

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was texting my friend. He has a history of depression, which we were talking about, and somehow, he turned the conversation to: "If we ever broke up, I would kill myself." I didn't even know we were even going out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I applied for a dental insurance that claims "you cannot be denied". I was denied. FML

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By HotelClerk - United States

Today, somebody stopped by the front desk at the hotel I work at to report a vehicle had its headlights on. I wrote down the info, including the plate. Hours later, after my shift was over, I finally realized that it was MY vehicle. The battery was dead. FML

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By Mrs.Slyfox - Canada

Today, my boyfriend informed me that he'd resolved all the issues with his ex and is getting back together with her. Normally I could tolerate this if it weren't for the fact that I just moved to a different country to live with him, and turned down a university and a scholarship. FML

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By gotadirtydick

Today, my neighbor's kid started learning the violin. FML

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By saywhatnow - United States

Today, a man stopped me to tell me I was the most beautiful woman he'd seen all day. He promptly followed that up with: "Then again, you are the only woman I've seen today, so, it can only go up from here." FML

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By bad dad

Today, trying to be a good co-parent, I asked my ex if he’d like to go to the circus with our kids and I. His new girlfriend of a whopping five days said it made her uncomfortable. He stood us up. FML

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By newlydumped - United States

Today, I went to my girlfriend's house for the first time. I had to use the restroom, and when I came back, I mocked her brothers' lame Pokémon shower curtain and Ninja Turtle towels. Turns out they were hers. FML

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By Mel

Today, I found out the guy I was seeing was married, with a kid, when his wife sent me a friend request on Facebook. FML

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By disaster... - United States

Today, my mom and my step dad decided they're getting a divorce. They've been married for 2 weeks and I paid for a quarter of the wedding. FML

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By anon - Canada - Calgary

Today, my stepmom asked me to bake pies for a dinner party she was having. Since I love baking, I said yes. When I went to deliver the pies, I found out they were for a family dinner I wasn't invited to. FML

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By ThisIsMyLife

Today, while naked, my fiancée said there was something wrong with her butt. She turned around and I leaned in to look at it. She then farted in my face. On purpose. FML

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By oprahahaha - United States

Today, I went on a blind date that my sister had set up. When I arrived at the coffeeshop, I approached a man waiting by the counter, asking if his name was Tim (my date's name). He looked at me and said no and then left with a drink clearly labeled "Tim" in bold letters. FML

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By Turdfoot - United States - Prosper

Today, I discovered that my cat recently had explosive diarrhea, and couldn't make it to the litterbox in time. I discovered this when I stepped in the very, very fresh poop with my bare feet. FML

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By zazadudu - France

Today, I wore myself out cooking, preparing tasty little dishes for my sweetheart. I heard him arrive and shout as he went up the stairs, "It stinks of shit in here! Have you been cooking?" I threw everything in the bin. We can eat sandwiches. FML

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By annoyedguy - United States

Today, my girlfriend missed our date, so I text her angry, telling her if she can't make our dates then we should break up, and generally telling her off. 5 Minutes later I get a picture message of her sleeping in a hospital bed from her mother saying "Shut the **** up, she had appendicitis." FML

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By lucas_urev - United States - Cold Spring Harbor

Today, I had made a cup of my favorite coffee, which I had recently found to be discontinued. To accompany this last cup, I went to get a muffin. As I turned around, I see my son pouring the cup out because I out put it next to the sink and he thought it was dirty. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my wife is still not pregnant, but her sister is after the threesome we all had a few months ago. The threesome was my wife's idea, but I suspect I am still a dead man when it comes to whose fault it is. FML

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By TheDeathguard

Today, a couple yelled at me and reported me to the homeowner association for "watching them make out" at the pool. I'm the lifeguard. FML

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By Forge - United States - Taylor

Today, I went to my grandma's yard sale, only to find my baby pictures being sold for 25 cents each. FML

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By genderless - South Africa - Pretoria

Today, the person I was seeing asked to be just friends. A few hours later, they tried to talk me into having sex. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that the same police officer who has arrested me twice has been sleeping with my wife. FML

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By sadchick - United States

Today, my mom found a new favorite game. I recently broke up with my boyfriend of a year and still have not been able to find a job (months after graduating college). Due to this stress I cry easily, her game? Seeing how many times a day she can make me boo-hoo. FML

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By IB6UB9 - United States

Today, I woke up and looked in the mirror and noticed that my face was covered in glitter. I asked my wife about it and she said she put it on me while I was sleeping so that I would sparkle like Edward from Twilight when I'm in the sunlight. FML

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By Chubs - Norway

Today, I was playing with my kid cousin outside. It was warm, so I was wearing my new bikini, and felt pretty good about myself. She suddenly turns to me and asks: "How come your tits are so small when you have such a big belly?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at my boyfriends house, in the bathroom. I noticed a pregnancy test in the trash can. He lives alone. FML

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By a4rk - Malaysia - Sibu

Today, my manager called me into his office and spent half an hour screaming at me for granting one of our workers so many religious off-days. Apparently, the name of these "religious observances" actually means something to the effect of "scoring some pussy" in Macedonian. FML

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By FatRunner - New Zealand

Today, while going for my daily run, a woman stopped me and said, "I think it's so great that people of your size are comfortable enough to run and show their bodies in public." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, my kitchen is trying to kill me. So far, I've hit my head three times on cupboards that opened themselves, cut open my hand on the microwave door when it slammed shut, and burned my cheek with the "heat-proof" oven mitt when I pushed the hair off my face. FML

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By BeatenUpPup - Canada

Today, my daughter and I were at a school carnival. At the face painting station, she sat down and asked for a kitty on her face. Next, she shoved me on a chair and whispered something into the lady's ear. I ended up with a 'black eye' by request of my own daughter. She's 4. FML

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By JaneDoe - United States - Salisbury

Today, it was my friend's birthday, so I baked him a cake complete with his name written on it in homemade frosting. After I gave it to him, his mother berated me for it, saying I should have checked with her first before making a cake for her son. He's 28. FML

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By .............. - Germany - Wadgassen

Today, my friend set up a profile for me on an adult dating site as a surprise. It was a surprise alright. The picture he set as my avatar was one of me stark naked, which I sent to my ex shortly before he dumped me. FML

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By myboyfriendisweird - United States - Phoenix

Today, after having sex with my boyfriend, we were cuddling when he grabbed his penis and made it say, "That was amazing! Thank you for the sex." He's 21 years old. FML

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By ikungfuyou - United States

Today, despite being 21 years old and living in my own place, my mom still managed to walk in on me whacking off. FML

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By unfortunate419 - United States

Today, I brought my new girlfriend over to show off to my family when my senile great-grandmother walked into the room wearing nothing but her underpants asking when the Olympics come on. FML

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By Totallyscrewed - United States - Stroudsburg

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. My husband had a vasectomy this past summer after our son was born and only took one of the two tests. I haven't cheated. He refuses to believe me or get his spunk checked again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother took a bunch of sleeping pills, then went driving. I followed her and dialed 911. Now she thinks that I was "trying to get her arrested," and she refuses to talk to me ever again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years confessed that at first, she'd only dated me to get her friend jealous, and that even now, she "only kind of liked" me. I bought a ring only a few days ago, and was planning on proposing to her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom tried to convince my dad that I was a lesbian. Why? Because she was bored. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was using the toilet. I was still insanely pissed off over an argument with my girlfriend, which kind of explains why I was wiping my ass so furiously that my fingers broke through the tissue and ended up in my ass, causing me to shriek like a little girl. FML

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Top comments

By mrollg | 0

#595486 - Wednesday 30 September 2009 9:45

i totally thought this was going in a different direction!

By amerrah | 4

#974237 - Monday 5 April 2010 5:39

Hmm I wonder if Noah invited him to ride his ark.

COMMENTS

By mrollg | 0

#595486 - Wednesday 30 September 2009 9:45

i totally thought this was going in a different direction!

Reply

amerrah | 4

#974237 - Monday 5 April 2010 5:39

Hmm I wonder if Noah invited him to ride his ark.

Reply

eminemXshady | 0

#2241675 - Friday 25 March 2011 22:44

haha 23 win

By Dreamworld_fml | 0

#595542 - Wednesday 30 September 2009 11:40

Hotness you should have seen where the provocative conversation would go ; )

By Cristaderzi | 0

#595549 - Wednesday 30 September 2009 11:52

lol yep me too!!! lol
I though his GF was gonna get mad lol

By bcopeland | 0

#595602 - Wednesday 30 September 2009 13:10

did Noah get excited?

Reply

bananaphone122 | 0

#3245434 - Tuesday 6 September 2011 8:38

My names noah...

By dnlphm94 | 0

#595633 - Wednesday 30 September 2009 13:52

Forgetting your own girlfriend's number...o.o 

By tothepound | 0

#596012 - Wednesday 30 September 2009 19:32

i thought your gf would go along with it and you would get mad haha

By arnold38 | 1

#596137 - Wednesday 30 September 2009 20:34

Not a big deal dude. who cares about Noah

Reply

uunnkknnoowwnn | 0

#1118789 - Wednesday 21 July 2010 9:38

That's what I thought too haha.

Reply

jrgr | 6

#4560688 - Wednesday 13 June 2012 9:45

Lol poor Noah

By highboots30 | 0

#596603 - Thursday 1 October 2009 0:16

that's an iPhone for ya it's only the first of mistakes b careful this phone has a mind of it's own

By Bravesman16 | 0

#596617 - Thursday 1 October 2009 0:25

fk'n great!

By j3nn1987 | 0

#596705 - Thursday 1 October 2009 1:25

Well look on the bright side... At least they didn't play it out! that woulda been embarrassing!