Today, I got a text from my mom shaming me for forgetting my... - FML

By secret - 14/2/2015 14:10 - United States - Ashford

Today, I got a text from my mom shaming me for forgetting my sister's birthday. It isn't her birthday today, it's mine. FML

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Fake News

Buzzing the tower

Bad news

By cait - 26/8/2019 15:00 - United States - Edmond

Today, within one day of meeting me, my stepmom decided to break up with my dad. Her reason being, "I love you, but I just can’t put up with the kid." I’m 'the kid'. I’m 28 years-old. FML

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By catpeecathy - 14/9/2009 04:20 - United States

Today, I was looking in my laundry basket for a clean tank top to wear. As I felt around, I realized that most of my clothes were still wet after two days. After asking my mom what was wrong with the dryer, I found out that for two days my cat had been using my laundry basket as a litter box. FML

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By throwinguptears - 2/11/2016 14:30 - United States - Marlborough

Today, after $87, waiting five months and making sure everything was perfect, I was ready to go see my favorite comedian live. I got the flu. FML

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By badcomparison - 18/12/2016 07:02 - United States - Warrensburg

Today, I was at Bath and Body Works with a friend of mine. She wanted me to smell a particular lotion and when she brought it up to my nose, she squeezed the bottle and lotion went all over my face. Right after, a worker came by and commented how the lotion "got a little too excited". FML

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By cnamobi - 28/4/2011 16:51 - United States

Today, a tornado watch has been instituted in my town. At this moment, I have violent diarrhea, and my toilet sits right in front of a window. FML

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By alone - 6/2/2009 19:16 - United States

Today, I committed to babysitting on Valentine's Day not because I needed the money, but because I just got dumped. FML

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By wildthing - 1/7/2009 19:33 - United States

Today, my mother woke me up by saying "Good morning my sexually aggressive daughter. We're going to have an extremely uncomfortable conversation today." Our awkward talk consisted of her telling me that I'm a tease and am going to get raped. Why? She caught me making out with my boyfriend. FML

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By WeakBitch - 18/2/2018 15:00

Today, during a judo session, I was paired with a thin, frail-looking rookie. Before a mock skirmish, as I'm much bigger, I said I'd take it easy on her, but also to give it her best shot. She immediately threw me on my face to the floor, knocking me out cold in 7 seconds. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/1/2014 17:47 - United States - New Milford

Today, I woke up hungover and with $13 stuffed in my bra. I'm not a stripper, and I'm not sure how it got there, but that's the most money I've had on me in weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2013 03:42 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I learned that no matter how much of a nerd a girl claims to be, she is not ready for you to speak Klingon during sex. FML

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By CatWoman - 11/2/2010 05:33 - United States

Today, I hooked up with a guy who has a Facebook page for his cat. FML

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By Flaps - 27/11/2010 12:36 - United States

Today, my boss fired me for being on Facebook at work. He did it via a wall post on Facebook saying, "ur fired." Six of my friends liked this. FML

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By honeymooner - 28/3/2012 10:47 - South Africa - Braamfontein

Today, I received a coupon for a special offer including flights and accommodation for the honeymoon destination that my fiancé and I are keen on. Yesterday, I paid the full price for the flight tickets and hotel deposit for the honeymoon. FML

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By Toothy_Peg - 13/6/2009 15:13 - Australia

Today, I got a meat pie for lunch. I bit into it and felt something hard. I spat it out. It was a tooth. I checked my mouth in a panic and discovered, with mixed feelings of relief and horror, that the tooth wasn’t mine. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/5/2009 17:22 - United States

Today, I went to the pet store to get mice for my mom's snakes. While checking out, the guy working behind the register asked what kind of snakes I had. I told him they were my mom's and he mentioned this crazy woman that talks to her snakes. That's my mom. FML

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By Sanchez - 7/1/2010 17:22 - United States

Today, the doctor told me that I have Vasovagal Syncope: I pass out every time I get aroused. Bye bye sex. FML

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By liveforpeace_ - 28/4/2009 06:27 - Canada

Today, I went up to a secluded mountain my boyfriend took me to for our first date. As I saw another couple hooking up in the bushes, I phoned my boyfriend to tell him someone found our secret spot. His Bob Marley ringtone started playing from the bush. FML

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By _aPerson_ - 22/4/2016 15:58 - Canada - Airdrie

Today, I lost the key to my bike lock. I ended up having to cut it off, even though it was brand new. After spending 30 minutes hacking away at it, it finally came off. When I hopped onto my bike, I felt something poking my leg. My key was in my pocket the whole time. FML

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By Lackadaisical - 15/1/2010 00:01 - United States

Today, I thought I'd be safe by looking before crossing a one way street unlike I normally do. Too bad I looked the wrong way and didn't see the car that hit me. FML

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By Photagrapher - 18/8/2010 04:09 - France

Today, my girlfriend asked for a picture of my penis, so I sent her one. Then later on, she asked for one when I was hard, the first one I sent I was hard. FML

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By T.T - 24/8/2010 08:19 - New Zealand

Today, my fiancée broke up with me because of an argument about a printer. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/2/2016 19:02 - United States - North Scituate

Today, I found a picture of my ex with a new boyfriend. This wouldn't be so bad if she didn't break up with me because she was lesbian. FML

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By nofatchicks - 12/5/2014 23:49 - United States - Tampa

Today, I nervously flirted with a very cute guy. Being a little overweight, I rarely think cute guys will go for me. This line of thinking was yet again correct when he casually pulled his sleeve up revealing a tattoo of a pinup girl with a "NO FAT CHICKS" sign below it. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2014 00:19 - United States - Farmingdale

Today, I ran one of the hardest cross-country courses in the country. I'm a pretty good runner, and I was feeling confident for the first mile. Then the chipotle from last night's dinner hit, and my legs weren't the only thing running. FML

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By worthless - 3/4/2011 00:51 - United States

Downhill

Today, I was reading my boyfriend's online diary. It started off really sweet, saying he was in a wonderful relationship with me, and how he utterly adored me. It then slowly progressed into loathing and wondering what he ever saw in me, all because I have a low sex-drive. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/1/2013 22:50 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I spent most of my daughter's 8th birthday with her in the hospital while her broken arm was put in a cast. Apparently, my son had told her that some people gained the ability to fly on their 8th birthday before encouraging her to find out by jumping off the slippery slide. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2013 18:39 - Canada - Victoria

Today, my mom left for a bachelorette party. She forgot a gift, so she called me and made me go into her closet, pick out a sex toy from the "box of gag gifts", and bring it to her. Should I pick anal beads or a cock ring? FML

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By weddingsalwayssuck - 28/1/2013 21:01 - United States - Fayetteville

Today, I found out my best friend has been stealing hundreds of dollars from me and my fiancé. My wedding is tomorrow morning. Guess who my best man is. FML

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By Milo - 21/2/2017 08:00 - Canada

Looks to Die For...

Today, my six-year-old son told me my makeup looks like his grandmother's did in the casket. FML

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By English_Nut117 - 30/10/2013 19:17 - Canada - Georgetown

Today, my boyfriend came onto me in a romantic gesture. We ended up having sex, forgetting that the window repair guy was supposed to come today and do some work on our third floor apartment windows. I still don't know how much he saw. FML

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By issue - 7/9/2018 01:30

Today, I tried to get a job at Walmart. My mom was the hiring manager. She turned me down due to lack of work experience. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2014 17:44 - Netherlands - Haarlem

Today, my husband and I broke the news that I'm pregnant. Our 8-year-old son's reactions so far have been crying inconsolably, trying to punch me in the stomach, and swearing that he won't let me give him a brother or sister. FML

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By what the fuck - 7/6/2013 21:20 - United Kingdom - Northolt

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to get intimate for the first time. He said he didn't want to use a condom, and that I should just give him one of my birth control pills instead, "so we can still be just as safe". What the hell? FML

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By TiredStudent - 12/6/2020 23:07 - Australia

Bottle bank

Today, I found out my last roommate had been stacking her empty wine bottles under the sink for the last 5 months. The cleaning lady who found them now thinks I'm an alcoholic, and threatened to report me to my landlord. FML

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By scatter00x - 8/2/2009 05:39 - United States

Today, I woke up around 5am from a party I had last night, still quite drunk. This chick was lying next to me from the night before. I kissed her, and about a minute and a half into some heavy making out, she opened her eyes and said, "Oh, it's you." Then got up and walked out. FML

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By Butter_Cup - 28/12/2010 21:39 - United States

Today, my mom sold the car I've been working on for the last few years for 100 dollars. To buy gas for her car. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2011 03:11 - United States

Today, I was casually shopping at Walmart. Everything was normal until the young guy browsing the aisle next to me suddenly approached me and whispered "sperm" into my ear. My spine has never experienced a chill like this one before. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2010 21:26 - United States

Today, after months of hardcore flirting with this incredibly attractive guy, he invited me to hang out. At which point he introduced me to his boyfriend. FML

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By badbirthday - 16/3/2009 20:51 - Canada

Today, is my 16th birthday. Thinking that my parents would be out of town for it like they had every other year, I decided it would be fun to tan nude in my backyard. Apparantly my parents set up a surprise party for my sweet 16. I was standing naked infront of half my school. FML

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By Kristopher - 8/3/2010 19:31 - United States

Today, I moved into my aunt's house. She had a little too much fun in the sixties and now tells everyone about her many imagined conquests, including her church minister and several has-been celebrities. As a plus, I discovered she has a habit of wandering around the house in the nude. FML

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Top comments

By zinoxity | 23

#6203003 - Sunday 15 February 2015 5:37

What the? What'd she say when you corrected her? But I guess sometimes people get confused between children. My parents call my sisters by the others name sometimes.

By xxNIGHTxx_fml | 17

#6203008 - Sunday 15 February 2015 5:38

I hope you shame your mom for forgetting yours. Happy birthday, OP!

COMMENTS

By zinoxity | 23

#6203003 - Sunday 15 February 2015 5:37

What the? What'd she say when you corrected her? But I guess sometimes people get confused between children. My parents call my sisters by the others name sometimes.

Reply

mellajella | 14

#6203107 - Sunday 15 February 2015 7:40

My mom calls me the dog's name occasionally so I don't see how swapping a birthday by accident is far-fetched.

Reply

codytallica | 38

#6203221 - Sunday 15 February 2015 12:33

I'm sure it was a honest mistake

Reply

chosha_fml | 25

#6203246 - Sunday 15 February 2015 13:53

#19 Sure, but do you get bitched out for not answering with a woof?

Reply

TheArrow_fml | 5

#6203553 - Sunday 15 February 2015 20:22

yea my dad either calls me my sisters name or even sometimes my dogs name

By maddieex | 14

#6203004 - Sunday 15 February 2015 5:38

Don't give her any cake. That'll show her.

Reply

kmaheynoway | 25

#6203029 - Sunday 15 February 2015 5:47

Yeah. Well, they probably gave the cake to your sister anyways..

Reply

Nameless_Fellow | 11

#6203095 - Sunday 15 February 2015 7:21

The cake is a lie.

Reply

kittykat1501 | 31

#6513928 - Monday 18 January 2016 20:23

Lol good reference.

By Nescology | 11

#6203005 - Sunday 15 February 2015 5:38

Sorry to hear about that OP! Happy birthday though, I hope you had a good birthday other than that!

By xxNIGHTxx_fml | 17

#6203008 - Sunday 15 February 2015 5:38

I hope you shame your mom for forgetting yours. Happy birthday, OP!

Reply

cheeeksss | 29

#6203167 - Sunday 15 February 2015 9:20

I was hoping the mom sent it to the wrong daughter.

By pauliegon | 18

#6203011 - Sunday 15 February 2015 5:39

Looks like someone's got some splainin' (and apologizing) to do...

By stupidface15 | 16

#6203022 - Sunday 15 February 2015 5:44

how do you know she's not your twin

By MyDadLeftMeInKFC | 21

#6203038 - Sunday 15 February 2015 5:54

Happy birthday! I hope your mom finally realizes it's the day YOU were born.

By jaceased | 6

#6203040 - Sunday 15 February 2015 5:54

It's okay OP. My parents forgot my birthday once too... But I'm an only child...

By drayloon | 50

#6203041 - Sunday 15 February 2015 5:55

Cue Dave Dameshek

"shaaaaaaaaame"

By KhaleesiDannie | 26

#6203042 - Sunday 15 February 2015 5:55

Hopefully she made it up to you with a great party or at least a nice gift happy birthday and Valentines day