Kids: Today, I got a call from my five-year-old son's principal, my... - FML

16/03/2011 02:05

Today, I got a call from my five-year-old son's principal, my son had pooped in the school yard then gave the teacher a ziploc bag and commanded her to pick it up. He said he was trying to imitate our dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 065

You deserved it 6 117

Good kid

Are you sure you're OK?

Pile on

27/09/2012 18:36 - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, I was eating out at a restaurant with my family. My dad had drained most of our bottle of wine, so thinking he'd be a little less uptight than usual, I reached over to pour myself some. He swatted my hand away and started yelling at me for being a "degenerate drunk". FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 638

You deserved it 6 271

If only it was a leap year

By Nathaniel Bastien - 06/02/2021 23:01 - Canada

Today, I inquired about getting a raise from a company that I've been with for 5 years. My manager said I'll get one starting February 29th. FML

I agree, your life sucks 806

You deserved it 62

08/02/2011 01:21 - United States

Today, I found out that even though my sister and I are identical twins, I'm known as "The ugly one". FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 297

You deserved it 3 608

Jealousy

By Anonymous - 20/05/2020 08:00

Today, my girlfriend broke my Xbox while I was playing Warzone. She said she heard me playing with another girl, and accused me of cheating. It was just the A.I. saying, "Copy, I’m on it." Anyone selling an Xbox One? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 870

You deserved it 208

28/01/2016 11:42 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, it was an extremely hot day so I hit up the beach for a swim. Just as I entered the water, the first wave approached me. I tried to jump it and lost my footing, managing to dislocate my hip. I had to be dragged from the water by the lifeguards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 351

You deserved it 2 295

12/09/2017 04:00 - Australia - Mordialloc

Today, my short-tempered, alcoholic boyfriend proudly showed me the rifle he bought. This guy regularly swears at his own sneezes and often flies into fits of rage because it's hard to get his shoe on. Time to move out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 213

You deserved it 867

27/10/2008 02:22 - Finland

Today, in the early hours of the morning, a worker started drilling the road right in front of my window. He stopped 5 minutes before my alarm clock rang. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 627

You deserved it 3 908

Welcome back

By Soggy Sophia - 27/03/2013 15:44 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I went for my daily post-op doctor's appointment, where I was told I can resume normal activities. Which was handy when I came home to half-an-inch of water throughout my apartment, due to my washing machine drainage pipe coming undone while I was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 004

You deserved it 2 631

09/08/2010 17:44 - United States

Today, I was supposed to take a test, but the professor didn't have it ready because he went to a concert last night. I sold my own tickets to that very concert in order to study for the test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 592

You deserved it 4 636

16/10/2015 16:40 - United States - Greenbelt

Today, my grandpa passed away. The only emotion my dad showed was anger, because my grandpa owed my dad money. Now he wants to take it from my grandma, like he's some sort of mobster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 318

You deserved it 1 531

09/04/2018 01:30

Today, I received my new laptop in the mail and put it on the kitchen counter, where my family charges all our electronics. My mom then decided to make soup and spilt chicken broth all over my new laptop before I even got the chance to turn it on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 995

You deserved it 1 013

He was just chillin'

By Anonymous - 04/07/2021 13:59

Today, I was taking a shower when I noticed the huge spider above my head. Now, being the smart person I am, I sprayed the water up at it, causing it to fall. Right on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 318

You deserved it 892

Missing out

By Anonymous - 08/07/2021 00:02

Today, after I gave notice to quit my job 3 weeks ago, and my last day is tomorrow, I found out that all overtime is now $40 an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 771

You deserved it 203

22/04/2012 03:15 - United States - Wichita Falls

Today, my husband drew a penis on every one of my cigarettes. It's a new pack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 940

You deserved it 70 499

17/12/2012 05:08 - United States - Richmond

Today, my car window got smashed in. The cop that came to take the report said they'd already caught the guy doing it, he'd smashed in several other car windows, all of the exact same model and color. His reason for doing it was simple: he was drunk and "hated red Jeeps". FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 343

You deserved it 3 816

They're perfect for each other!

By yosmurf - 11/03/2017 18:00

Today, I took my brother to the ER. His bimbo girlfriend told him he has "ironing board abs" so they had the bright idea of ironing her clothes on his stomach. When the Dr. asked him why he didn't stop if it burned, he said he didn't want to look "like a pussy". He'd have likely drowned if she'd gotten it right and said "washboard abs". FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 541

You deserved it 545

05/09/2015 08:39 - United Kingdom

Today, while using a portable restroom at the park, I discovered all too late that some very hostile and territorial hornets had made it their home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 297

You deserved it 1 730

19/09/2010 07:31 - Australia

Today, I had to listen to my mother flirting on the phone with my dad's new girlfriend's ex-husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 647

You deserved it 2 833

06/11/2009 23:14 - United States

Today, I went to meet a potential client at StarBucks all the way across town about designing his website. I was extremely excited because I really need the work. I sat for an hour. Turns out he was across the street, at the other StarBucks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 993

You deserved it 6 445

28/06/2012 15:28 - United States

Today, I stumbled across my ex's blog. Apparently, while dating me, he realized he was gay. Good to know the one guy I've dated, lost my virginity to, and fell in love with, was never truly attracted to me and was dating me just to be sure. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 682

You deserved it 2 948

That's… a crime?

By Anonymous - 04/03/2021 05:01 - Canada

Today, I finally told my boyfriend that I see a therapist every week because, amongst other things, I'm terrified of being locked in a room. He didn't believe me, so he locked me in the bathroom "for a laugh." I had a panic attack and passed out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 631

You deserved it 107

Business savvy

By Anonymous - 21/05/2020 17:00

Today, my nephew, who I was assured had previous experience, was closing jobs down on the computer after dealing with the customers on the phone without processing the payment for any of their orders. He’s been working for me for weeks. God knows how much money I’ve lost. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 663

You deserved it 423

04/01/2010 19:20 - United States

Today, I found out that shutting off the heat in the rental property my parents owned was a bad idea. The water froze and the pipes burst, causing the whole kitchen ceiling to fall down. The water ruined the wood floors and the appliances. I turned off the heat to save money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 004

You deserved it 36 977

16/07/2009 23:39 - United States

Today, while going through airport security the lady asked why I folded everything so small. I said that I was going away for a month and needed to fit a lot of stuff in only one bag. She smiled, nodded and then dumped my luggage to search for "drugs and other illegal teen things." FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 873

You deserved it 3 288

27/01/2010 20:33 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that the reason I don't want to stay overnight at his house is because I still occasionally wet the bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 871

You deserved it 8 262

03/12/2010 03:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend informed me that he can't remember the last time he took a shower. He then told me he doesn't see the "need" of taking showers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 123

You deserved it 4 923

08/04/2009 20:08 - United States

Today, my daughter's school was putting on a fashion show for charity and all the kids were supposed to ask their mothers to be in it. I asked my daughter about it and she said "well I was going to ask you, but they said only to 'ask all of your BEAUTIFUL mommies." FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 796

You deserved it 4 103

Murphy's Law

By Anonymous - 19/06/2021 12:01 - Israel

Today, I had a night shift as a front desk clerk in a nice hotel. Even with 2 years experience, I truly wasn't ready for what was about to happen. From a burned hand by boiling water to unpaid rooms via a guest identification scandal at 3 a.m., everything that could go wrong did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 775

You deserved it 53

07/10/2016 05:38 - United States - Tempe

Today, I was house-hunting online. I was becoming increasingly discouraged and began to look for mini-houses in absurd desperation. I noticed the Google sidebar advertising a cute mini house within my budget. Excited, I clicked on the ad - only to discover it was an ad for a child's playhouse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 464

You deserved it 1 439

26/04/2016 05:04 - United States - Kenosha

Today, I started a new job. The synopsis of my training was, "You're starting a job you're going to hate and you'll be fired for entertaining yourself while waiting for us to give you more work. But you're going to love being here." FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 446

You deserved it 1 895

13/10/2009 11:07 - United States

Today, my new girlfriend told me I don't snore when I sleep. Which is funny, since during the last year of my marriage, my ex-wife would make me sleep on the couch because my loud snoring kept her up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 401

You deserved it 2 949

08/11/2010 21:26 - Sweden

Today, I freaked out when I couldn't get my bathroom door open. After ten minutes of panic when thinking about how I'd be stuck there for at least 8 hours until my roommate would get home, and another five mentally going over survival skills, I realized that I had forgotten to unlock the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 857

You deserved it 45 006

More proof the system is broken

By Anonymous - 27/06/2020 20:04

Today, my younger sister, who lives at home and worked 1 day a week at the gym, got her unemployment card. I work at a hospital, on the frontlines, with COVID-19 patients. I don't get hazard pay. She now makes more than me in a week by sitting at home watching Netflix, while I risk my life every day to help people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 365

You deserved it 178

25/06/2013 06:12 - United States - Cloquet

Today, I was bored so I began to try to convince my boyfriend that Albert Einstein was actually African-American, and that he painted himself white so he would be accepted as a scientist. Due to his competitive nature, he replied, "I already knew that babe." FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 001

You deserved it 9 605

Scammed

By Eddie B - 18/10/2019 20:00

Today, I found out that I'm just one of the millions who got scammed by what seemed to be a legit website. None of the negative reviews or bugs appeared until after I spent a fortune of someone else’s money on a server that will never arrive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 116

You deserved it 535

28/08/2010 04:54 - United States

Today, I decided to wear string panties. While in line at the mall, they became untied. I was wearing a skirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 329

You deserved it 39 073

15/02/2011 17:13 - United States

Today, I just pulled out of the fast food drive through, only to pull right behind a septic truck. Just as I was about to dig into my food, I noticed it had a handy window about a foot round. I had a stare-down with a turd until I could pass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 103

You deserved it 3 977

12/09/2015 01:54 - United States - Cleveland

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that no, my period arriving several days late doesn't mean I have AIDS. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 317

You deserved it 2 282

25/04/2013 17:56 - Norway - Kristiansand

Today, after 2 months of my new neighbours' kids throwing rocks at our cars, constantly swearing at us, bullying my siblings in and out of school, and vandalising our property, their mother has convinced the landlord that we're the ones out of control. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 981

You deserved it 2 684

05/02/2013 05:22 - United States - Hampton

Today, at a friendly get-together, my friend's husband had too much to drink and got into a fistfight with my husband. I'm seven-and-a-half months pregnant, and the friendly get-together was my baby shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 998

You deserved it 3 187

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Top comments

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 7:58

pick it up Brian. PICK UP MY POO!

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 7:57

Shitty

Comments

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 7:57

Shitty

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 8:17

Aha! I see wha you did there. And I approve.

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 8:29

Ohhh puns... *wipes tear from eye* I remember when you used to be original

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 8:53

Win.

john7h567hgrd 0

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 8:58

Does this remind anyone else of stewie?

lionheart822 13

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 13:50

lol now that you mention it, I can completely imagine Stewie doing this. xD

bitchslapped22 14

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 14:08

Stewie does this in the episode Road to Multi-Verse when Brian and him travel to different dimensions. But instead of using a ziplock bag, when Stewie shits on the ground and tells him to pick it up, Brian says he needs a bag and Stewie says, "Here's a thin napkin." Yes, I've seen this 20 times.

mfjkr 10

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 19:46

where did boners go haven't seen him comment on stuff

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 21:25

Sexy

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Saturday 2 April 2011 21:58

lololol thats a good one.

iSitt 0

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 7:57

call da dog whisperer

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 8:42

Lol reminds me if that episode of South Park..

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 8:46

Calling, "DA DOG WHISPERER!" damn, didn't work. It's really fun when little boys get it into their heads that everything in the world around them is something to pee on or into.

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 9:09

everything IS meant to be peed on / into

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 17:03

40 I'm pretty sure OP's kid took a shit..

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Thursday 17 March 2011 14:17

he couldve pee'd during his shit ^

SexyFlexiLexi 0

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Sunday 20 March 2011 9:00

hahaha

giantsfan2010 23

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 7:57

If I was that kids parents I would be laughing so hard. I would still punish him though.

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Thursday 17 March 2011 6:40

At least he's preparing himself for life as a douche bag

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 7:58

pick it up Brian. PICK UP MY POO!

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 8:19

4, lol that's hilarious.

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Thursday 17 March 2011 5:27

my thoughts exactly

Snowlight_fml 7

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Friday 18 March 2011 8:49

Pick up my poop. First thoughts as i read this FML xD

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Sunday 6 November 2011 13:59

That's what I thought of too lol

xoxomariahkxoxo 6

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Sunday 25 December 2011 4:39

Who doesnt like family guy? Hahaha i adore that child. Role model

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Sunday 8 January 2012 8:37

Your comment made my day

Battledog5006 0

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 7:59

that's so epic

ENLT 6

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 14:05

I'm not even mad... I'm impressed.

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 16:24

^this

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 17:07

57 for the win! anchorman FTW.

Michaelsgirl04 9

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Sunday 9 September 2012 6:16

yeah, I can tell by your t-shirt you're a real winner. Disgusting asshole. -_-

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 8:01

That is fucking epic!

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 8:02

Oh he was making sure she knew who the bitch is at school.

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 8:02

lmao the sad thing is that someone has to actually pick it up xD

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 8:04

I'll have to remember that

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Wednesday 16 March 2011 8:05

and that's how its done

Nearly

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52

You deserved it 6

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 114

You deserved it 8

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend came out as a polyamorous, and then immediately asked me if he could date another guy I thought was my friend. I’m such a pushover, I said yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 82

You deserved it 267

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 594

You deserved it 69