Today, I gave my 16 year old step daughter and her friends a... - FML

By firewait - 13/5/2009 00:23 - Canada

Today, I gave my 16 year old step daughter and her friends a lecture on respecting other people's privacy. Two hours later, I accidentally walked into her room without knocking. She and her friends were giving each other bikini waxes. Now her friends call me the hypocritical pervert. FML

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By Mortified - 31/3/2020 14:00

On the can

Today, I was using the bathroom at Costco when a janitor forced my door open so she could mop, then didn't bother to close it again. Apparently, the handicapped stall was too big for her to see me sitting in the corner, and I had to awkwardly squat-walk all the way to the door to close it. FML

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By Can’t Cope - 19/11/2017 19:00

Today my fiancé is going to Planned Parenthood to see if he got herpes from a prostitute. FML

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By Late marriage - 24/8/2017 14:00 - Australia

Today, my husband was 45 minutes late to our wedding reception. Later, when I asked him why, he said, "I was playing Legend of Zelda and had to finish my quest." He thinks this is an eligible excuse. FML

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By TecheyTim - 1/4/2015 17:46 - United States - Latham

Today, a coworker and I pulled a April Fools' joke on our boss. She "borrowed" his keys and rolled down his window. I took a car window from a scrap yard and sprinkled it on the ground near his door. His response was to kick the nearest object in anger. The nearest object happened to be my car. FML

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By baddaughter - 16/11/2009 17:11 - Canada

Today, I called my mother who is vacationing in Florida with my dad and sister. Before they left I told them I would be very responsible and that they could trust me. The first thing she asked me is if all the animals were still alive. I said yes. I lied. Her favourite cat drowned in the pool. FML

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By tired waitress - 25/4/2016 23:05 - United States

Today, I'm a waitress. A customer came in and acted very kindly and even mentioned how I was such a help to her. She also mentioned leaving a nice tip. The tip? A fake $20. Thanks. FML

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By musiclover - 6/12/2009 05:05 - United States

Today, my friend and I went to see our favorite band in concert. We walked at least a mile from our parking space and stood in line for two hours. My friend was supposed to have the tickets in her purse. She actually had, but she left her purse in the car. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2019 22:00

Today, I went on my first date in over a year, and my best friend popped up at the restaurant uninvited. To make it worse, she pulled up a chair right in between us and started an argument with the bartender. FML

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By msleea - 6/5/2015 04:13 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I told my husband I felt unfulfilled and unhappy in my life. He suggested I do more chores. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2013 20:55 - United States - Pleasanton

Today, my brother sent me an image by Skype, saying I really had to see it. I figured it was some kind of stupid joke, but I tried to look anyway. It wouldn't open. Turns out he thought he could just rename the ".exe" on a virus to ".jpg" and it would still run. My brother's a cretin. FML

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By FootInMouth - 20/1/2015 19:16 - South Africa

Today, I made fun of a friend at a dinner party after he forgot to put his engagement ring on. It turned out his fiancée actually ended the engagement last week, and everyone thinks I was being spiteful just because the girl is my ex. FML

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By lovesucks - 1/9/2009 12:52 - Australia

Today, I finally got the courage to go up and ask out the girl I have loved for a couple of months now. After she said yes, I was over the moon and ran home to tell my roommate. The next day, I saw her making out with another man. When I confronted her, she said "Oh, you were serious yesterday?" FML

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By a2 - 6/2/2014 06:57 - Australia - Bayswater

Today, my boyfriend admitted to subtly encouraging me to do stupid things because he finds my "bimbo moments" hilarious. FML

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By wow - 25/11/2010 07:32 - United Kingdom

Today, I learned that I wasn't really allergic to chocolate. My parents made it up when I was a child because they didn't want me to get fat. FML

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By whyme - 7/2/2012 06:38 - United States

Today, I walked into the house only to be greeted by the strongest smell of dung. I asked my mom about it, and it turns out she's been airing these strange herbs throughout the house, most of which are in my bedroom. She won't let me open the window. FML

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By furbys69 - 31/5/2017 09:00 - United States - Kingsport

Today, my girlfriend and I were starting to get frisky when the Furby Party Rocker all the way across the room started going off on its own and completely killed the mood. I took the batteries out of the little bastard immediately, but the mood was lost. FML

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By sisterlylove - 10/1/2015 19:02 - United States - Hannibal

Today, I found three of my sister's dildos as I helped her unpack boxes for her new house. Jokingly, I said, "Why would you even need three?!" She actually explained. FML

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By backseatbusted - 21/5/2013 16:09 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate in the backseat of his car, when a police car pulled up behind us. My mom later told me that intimacy was fine, just not in a car. We were in the car because she told me that intimacy was fine, just not in her house. FML

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By names suck and so do I - 8/8/2013 12:54 - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, I confessed my feelings to the guy I've had the biggest crush on. He spent the next ten minutes calling me delusional, said that I know nothing about him, and laughed that "this isn't Twilight, for fuck's sake". All he did when I started crying was pat me on the head and leave. FML

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By sdasdflkjas - 30/5/2009 04:24 - United States

Today, while the kid I was babysitting was in the bathroom, he called to me "I need some help in here." Worried I ran to the bathroom and asked him what was wrong. He needed me to wipe his butt. As if that weren't gross enough, just as my hand was under his butt, he pooped again and laughed. FML

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By thenewgirl29 - 5/2/2015 16:42 - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, the guy I've been seeing for a few months told me he couldn't stay overnight because his mom would yell at him for not coming home. We're both 30 and I didn't know he still lived at home. FML

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By Mallory - 27/11/2011 23:53 - United States

Today, after admitting he had feelings for me, my crush returned from out of town. He'd said that while he was gone, he'd meet people, but only think of me. He came back no longer single. He's known her for 4 days. We've known each other for 6 years. FML

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By issue - 7/9/2018 01:30

Today, I tried to get a job at Walmart. My mom was the hiring manager. She turned me down due to lack of work experience. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2014 16:36 - Germany - Ammerndorf

Today, my daughter used her spare key to get into my house while I was at work, then took and pawned off all of my jewelry. She only confessed when I confronted her with video camera footage. Her defense was that I told her I'd leave her everything in my will. Honey, I'm not dead yet. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2011 18:46 - United States

Today, my baby-crazy mother expressed her concerns that I haven't conceived after a whole two months of marriage. Her advice amounted to "get divorced while you're still hot, sleep around until you get pregnant, then marry the winner." When I complained to my father, he supported her. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/4/2015 17:18 - United States - Birmingham

Today, a few weeks after teaching my dog to fetch my phone and drop it in my lap, he decided to do it spontaneously. Too bad I was in the bath at the time. There goes a $300 phone. FML

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By Z88 - 21/4/2010 20:29 - South Africa

Today, a customer came into the music shop I work in to look at guitars. After calling the customer "Dude," and "Man," numerous times, they stalked off suddenly. When I asked if everything was okay, they responded with, "I'm female, you asshole!" FML

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By anonymous - 25/10/2016 04:29 - United States - Chagrin Falls

Today, I got a citation from my landlord because my puppy couldn't make it to the grass and peed in the shrubs. Later in the evening, I got a citation that my music was too loud. Until I'd submitted my 30-day notice yesterday, no one ever had a problem with me FML

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By Prae - 1/10/2012 05:47 - United States - Dallas

Today, I washed the dishes for my mom while she was out, as they seemed to be piling up. I accidentally sliced my hand with a knife in the process. After a trip to the hospital, it was revealed she'd been leaving those dishes there "to teach dad a lesson." FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2010 18:32 - Norway

Today, I was at my local McDonald's having a leak when an extremely intoxicated man stumbled in, pulled down his pants, and started to pee on my shoes. FML

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By calvinjakobs - 9/11/2019 03:00

Same name but distant

Today, I met the most compatible and perfect girl for me. After days of talking and finally setting up a date. We found out that we both live in different continents, just our city name has been the same. I was waiting at the restaurant for 5 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2011 15:39 - South Africa

Today, I was in a very crowded train coming home from work. I saw a cute guy sitting across from me. As I lifted my one leg to hook it over my other leg, I let out a loud fart. All I could do was sit there and wait for my stop. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/2/2014 19:10 - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, I discovered that when one of my toddlers throws up, the other sympathy-pukes too, and that this continues until they're both empty. I guess my car is going to stink of vomit for a while. FML

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By peepee. - 30/9/2010 03:17 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I had to go to the bathroom. He said "Okay baby, go drop your load." He also used the same voice as when he talks to his cat. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2019 16:00

Early bird special

Today, despite the fact they know I'm commuting hundreds of kilometres, I was requested to come to work at the earliest possible hour, every day. I'll be waking up at half past 3 a.m. and admire sunrises on my way. FML

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By Unwanted - 3/11/2015 19:10 - Austria

Today, my boyfriend declared he doesn't feel ready to move in with me for at least "some more years". We have already been together for five years. When he bought an apartment one year ago, he kept it a secret for three months. Maybe I should learn to take a hint. Or several hints. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2020 20:00

That escalated quickly

Today, I chipped my front tooth trying to pick up my cat. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2013 06:47 - United Kingdom - Warrington

Today, I finally got up the courage to talk to my four-year boyfriend about how insecure I've been feeling in our relationship recently, and how I needed his support while I try to get my self-esteem back on-track. He fell asleep mid-conversation. FML

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By thyella87 - 21/8/2010 19:20 - United States

Today, my hours got cut because I couldn't make it into work when they called me in. Why couldn't I make it in? I was in an interview for a better job. I didn't get the job. FML

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By Toldyouso - 22/1/2010 06:16 - United States

Today, I thought it would be romantic to fill my girlfriend's room with scented candles and surprise her when she was done showering. I lied there naked, with Kenny G playing softly. I heard a knock on the door, so I told her to come in. To my surprise it was her mom. FML

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Top comments

By two2 | 0

#194564 - Wednesday 13 May 2009 12:43

i'd be more concerned that her and her friends give each other bikini waxes

By fuckyourlife8 | 0

#194561 - Wednesday 13 May 2009 12:41

Well the pervert thing is unjustified, but seriously, you can't tell her off for not respecting other people's privacy and then just walk into her room without knocking. Just apologise to her and let it serve as a reminder for next time to think before you go in there. She's a 16 year old girl, be glad she wasn't doing anything worse when you walked in!

Comments

By BenignScientists | 0

#194549 - Wednesday 13 May 2009 12:33

You really should learn to knock.
Accidents happen though, don't dwell on it, she'll forget eventually

...

just trying to make you feel better, FYL

Reply

xiShawnx | 0

#1172408 - Sunday 1 August 2010 19:46

Are you a guy? are her friends hot? :)

Reply

poloy325 | 9

#5419195 - Monday 25 March 2013 3:08

You mean his daughters friends?

By MKflyy | 0

#194558 - Wednesday 13 May 2009 12:39

Double standards FTW.

Reply

fightingkittens | 39

#3685558 - Monday 5 December 2011 6:12

How is that a double standard? He's clearly acknowledging the fact that he was an asshole.

Reply

smallfrie32 | 6

#3864824 - Wednesday 11 January 2012 7:18

You should say, "And this is why you have to knock" and make it a lesson rather than a slip-up. :)

By Afghanee666 | 0

#194560 - Wednesday 13 May 2009 12:41

Beat them for the Taliban!

By fuckyourlife8 | 0

#194561 - Wednesday 13 May 2009 12:41

Well the pervert thing is unjustified, but seriously, you can't tell her off for not respecting other people's privacy and then just walk into her room without knocking. Just apologise to her and let it serve as a reminder for next time to think before you go in there. She's a 16 year old girl, be glad she wasn't doing anything worse when you walked in!

Reply

chelzy | 0

#1041633 - Thursday 24 June 2010 17:59

I agree. oh, btw, I'm lesbian, and I don't give my friends bikini waxes. yer daughter is obviously a creep. or, this fml is a lie. but still, learn to knock.

Reply

chelzy | 0

#1206493 - Sunday 8 August 2010 5:09

why do u moderate a comment saying that I'm lesbian and I don't do that?!?!?! is homosexuality a crime all of a sudden?!? fuck you moderators!!! just plain fuck you.

Reply

NancyDeebensDPDS | 0

#2289927 - Monday 4 April 2011 2:04

Apologize*. damn u britain!

By Wittlestalker | 0

#194563 - Wednesday 13 May 2009 12:43

That is disgusting. Why would they be giving eachother bikini waxes? I love my friends and I would do anything for them, but not that. You should tell her she can't have friends over anymore...

Reply

XoX_CUPCAKES_XoX | 0

#1800752 - Monday 6 December 2010 5:05

agreed

Reply

soketgo | 0

#2454021 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 22:34

and that would screw thongs up

Reply

emsbitch | 0

#2859819 - Sunday 10 July 2011 7:37

are you kidding me? telling her she can't have friends over wouldn't solve anything. she'd just get super pissed off, and do the same things at other people's houses. teenagers will be teenagers, and there are some things you cannot stop then from doing.

Reply

malaak2 | 16

#5981993 - Friday 20 June 2014 16:38

Wait what's wrong with giving each other bikini waxes? It isn't easy to do alone and if you're comfortable enough with your friends it shouldn't be considered a bad thing.

By two2 | 0

#194564 - Wednesday 13 May 2009 12:43

i'd be more concerned that her and her friends give each other bikini waxes

Reply

smartalek | 2

#2648189 - Thursday 9 June 2011 16:15

Nah I know a lotta girls that are there when they out in tampons

Reply

smartalek | 2

#2648207 - Thursday 9 June 2011 16:19

Nah I know a lotta girls that are there when they out in tampons

By dirtyhippie | 0

#194567 - Wednesday 13 May 2009 12:45

You really did ask for that one.
YDI But they are obviously just trying to one up you on the pervert thing.

Reply

WeezyBites | 6

#2210861 - Sunday 20 March 2011 13:36

I must say, I like your pic.

Reply

gracieroxursox | 3

#2299761 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 22:28

lmaooo!

By hockysa | 0

#194568 - Wednesday 13 May 2009 12:46

i love 16yo slurrys

By lolwhat_fml | 0

#194574 - Wednesday 13 May 2009 12:49

YDI, but there just calling you a 'hyprocritical pervert' so you wont her them in trouble for biniki waxing.
and #8, your disgusting

Reply

PaperCaper | 11

#1189209 - Wednesday 4 August 2010 19:56

why would they get in trouble for that? sure it's weird that they're doing it to each other, but that'd be like getting in trouble for helping your friend shave.

By ba11in | 0

#194576 - Wednesday 13 May 2009 12:50

You should have been like "Sorry, I thought something broke"