Kids: Today, I gave my 16 year old step daughter and her friends a... - FML

By firewait - Canada

Today, I gave my 16 year old step daughter and her friends a lecture on respecting other people's privacy. Two hours later, I accidentally walked into her room without knocking. She and her friends were giving each other bikini waxes. Now her friends call me the hypocritical pervert. FML

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BO Central

Late term

Selfish tit

By Arthurie - United States - Plainview

Today, I was in the hospital. I had recently broken my arm, and had to have it re-broken. I've secretly been a lesbian for years. Guess who came out to her strict Christian parents while on anesthetics. FML

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By Inez333

Today, I finally got to see my favorite aunt after months of her living far away with her new boyfriend. She now believes the Earth is flat, gravity is fake, the government is run by reptiles, and that vaccines are the devil themselves. She won't stop trying to convince me of her conspiracies. FML

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By milf - United States - Muncie

Today, I was changing my son's diaper when he said "Momma." Astonished that he'd finally spoken, I clapped and smiled proudly. My clap scared the crap out of him. Literally. FML

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By AwkwardWaitress - United Kingdom

Today, while serving drinks at work to a group of people getting tipsy on wine, I joked about it being obvious who the designated driver was to the only gentleman who'd been religiously sticking to coke all night. He coldly informed me that he was a recovering alcoholic. FML

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By Nylo

Today, I made my first ever chocolate fudge, which turned out really nice. I had a bite and left it on the counter with plastic wrap covering, only to come back later to find my sister's cat pissing on it. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - London

Today, I took my labrador to the vet because he seemed really sick and wasn't acting like his usual self the past few weeks. The vet said nothing was physically wrong with him and that he's most likely suffering from depression. My own depression is why I got a dog in the first place. FML

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By iGreen - Canada

Today, my mom cooked her dog some potatoes, carrots, beef, rice and peas. She cooks better food for her dog than she will for our family. FML

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By Typicalwhitechick

Today, I finally have a day to go to the library and read for hours. Today is also a playday event for toddlers. In the library. FML

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By wowzer - Puerto Rico - Gurabo

Today, I went on a date with the world's biggest lightweight. She got blind drunk on wine before dessert, and slurred, "You look like... like a black... blueberry." Amused, I said, "You mean a blackberry?" She stared at me for several long seconds, confused, then passed out. Check please. FML

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By maggieyokoi

Today, I had to explain to my little brother yet again that no, socks don't count as toilet paper. FML

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By nicolo - United States

Today, I got my tax return. I was really excited. Turns out the government does take the time to send out a tax return for $1.36. FML

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By iloveretail - United Kingdom - Nottingham

Today, a woman threatened to stab my eyes out because I wouldn't let her into the shop I closed and locked up half an hour ago. FML

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By jons - United States

Today, I went to the doctor for my yearly checkup. After getting my blood-pressure taken, my finger pricked, etc, the doctor began to ask me some questions. When asked if I was sexually active, I responded "Yes". The doctor started laughing. FML

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By brokeandsingle - United Kingdom

Today, I finally made the last payment on the beautiful engagement ring I bought and proposed with - two years ago. To my ex-girlfriend, who said no and promptly started sleeping with one of my friends. FML

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By HereToLaughAtU - United States - Des Moines

Wait, what?

Today, a customer said the pants she was buying rang up more than advertised. I quietly told her plus-sizes were not on sale. The customer yelled in front of a whole line of people, "So I'm fat and can't read! Any other insults you'd like to throw at me?" and stormed out of the store. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I learned the only job that actually wants me is as a peanut butter factory worker. I've been unemployed for 9 months. I'm also allergic to nuts. FML

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By Stuck - United States

Today, I was going to break up with my boyfriend after we went out for dinner. To my surprise, our families were also in the restaurant, to witness him propose to me. FML

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By poorman - United States - Huntington Beach

Today, a customer came into McDonalds and placed his order. He insisted on putting each coin on the counter rather than handing them straight to me, because he doesn't like touching "poor people". FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I won the lottery. My ex-girlfriend has the ticket. I just broke up with her. FML

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By aroman2312 - United States

Today, my grandpa decided to charcoal-grill some steaks. Inside the house. FML

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By ThatOneGirl646 - United States

Today, my mother threatened me if I keep wearing yoga pants to school, she's going to have my dad pick me up in a speedo. FML

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By PokeWife - United States - Omaha

Today, my husband started a conversation with, "In Pokémon" and ended the same conversation with "and that's why we should divorce." FML

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By oumalina - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I ordered pizza and watched a movie. After dinner we started to make out. I began to take my clothes off when he stopped me. He said that sex is exercise and you can't exercise for 30 minutes after eating. FML

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By person_r - Norway

Today, my wife is divorcing me because she wants to party more with her friends alone. One year ago, I followed her to Norway, where her family lives. I left my friends, family and job opportunities (which were very good) in order to live with her. Now I am shoveling shit on a horse farm. FML

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By Jay

Today, I got called into the principal's office of my son's school. Why? He'd called his teacher a "fudge packer". No more weekends with his uncle. FML

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By FattyMcFatterson - United States

Today, in the shower, a dime fell on my foot. The only place it could have come from? One of my fat rolls. FML

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By spriggs - United States

Today, I was walking down the street and spotted a man who was about 6 and a half feet tall passing by me. As he passed me, I turned and asked him "How's the weather up there?" He then turned around, spat on me, and replied "Raining." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Camarillo

Rubbing one out on the sly

Today, I went over to talk to my boss. I must have snuck up on her because she was masturbating through her pants. She stopped and I had to chat away, pretending I didn't notice. FML

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By oops - United States - San Francisco

Today, I wanted to try seducing my boyfriend by having nothing but a t-shirt on for when he'd get back from work. He came home, saw me, apologized bashfully for failing to knock first, and went back outside. FML

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By khaelian - United States

Today, my girlfriend fell down the stairs and broke her ankle. She also had a bruise on her leg due to her friend biting her. I spent the night in the hospital to be there for her and support her, but I should have expected that the nurses would treat me like a criminal. FML

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By bitch i'm a gerontophile - Taiwan

Today, while working at my local supermarket, I found a boy lost and wandering about, so I took him to the front desk. My reward from his mother was a slap around the face and harsh words for supposedly having kidnapped him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was Halloween, and I was giving candy to kids. When a group of kids who looked like they were around 4 years old came up to me and said, "Hey mister, do you have one of those things that make it look like you are fat under your shirt?" I didn't have one of those, but I lied and said, "Yes." FML

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By O_O - United States - Columbus

Today, my boyfriend insisted that I start calling him "Professor Fucktard" in the bedroom. He seems to be dead serious about it. FML

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By curly_eyelashes - Canada - Windsor

Today, I realized that the "eyelash curling brush" that my best friend found in my old bathroom drawer was actually a stick used for cleaning food out of my sister's braces. I used that thing for years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to a party where I met some nice girls. One of them was really sweet and we were having a great time in my friend's backyard. As I was on the swing, I was gonna give her my number, but instead, I gave her a harsh kick to the face. FML

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By My mother-in-law is a Covidiot - 20/4/2021 20:00

These people never learn

Today, I'm at my mother-in-law's funeral, who died of Covid-19. Months before catching the virus, she would claim that, "the entire Covid thang is bullshit" and "people are just behaving like f****ts over a simple flu." FML

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By Hungry - United States

Today, a drunk girl asked me for directions to her hotel. I had just bought an empanada and was feeling good, so I agree to look up the address on my phone. Two minutes and a text charge later, I got the address. Out of inebriated glee, she hugged me and knocked the tasty empanada out of my hand. FML

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By Anonymous

Hello?

Today, after a 16-hour work day, I came home to my husband. I talked to him for about 10 minutes, then realized that he wasn't answering me but had his headset on and was talking on Xbox live. Not even playing a game, just talking. FML

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By isuckatlyfe - United States

Today, I was excited to see my ex-girlfriend. We had broken up while I was in Iraq and I wanted to try to get her back. I spent my first day back looking for a place to live while her and her new boyfriend got it on as I slept. I had chosen that apartment for us and paid for that bed. FML

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By WrongTrainGuy - 27/5/2021 19:01 - United Kingdom

Wrong way down a one way strrreeeeet

Today, I took the wrong train and didn’t realise it until it arrived in Aberdeen. Eight hours from where I was meant to go. FML

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Top comments

By two2 | 0

#194564 - Wednesday 13 May 2009 12:43

i'd be more concerned that her and her friends give each other bikini waxes

By fuckyourlife8 | 0

#194561 - Wednesday 13 May 2009 12:41

Well the pervert thing is unjustified, but seriously, you can't tell her off for not respecting other people's privacy and then just walk into her room without knocking. Just apologise to her and let it serve as a reminder for next time to think before you go in there. She's a 16 year old girl, be glad she wasn't doing anything worse when you walked in!

COMMENTS

By BenignScientists | 0

#194549 - Wednesday 13 May 2009 12:33

You really should learn to knock.
Accidents happen though, don't dwell on it, she'll forget eventually

...

just trying to make you feel better, FYL

Reply

xiShawnx | 0

#1172408 - Sunday 1 August 2010 19:46

Are you a guy? are her friends hot? :)

Reply

poloy325 | 9

#5419195 - Monday 25 March 2013 3:08

You mean his daughters friends?

By MKflyy | 0

#194558 - Wednesday 13 May 2009 12:39

Double standards FTW.

Reply

fightingkittens | 39

#3685558 - Monday 5 December 2011 6:12

How is that a double standard? He's clearly acknowledging the fact that he was an asshole.

Reply

smallfrie32 | 6

#3864824 - Wednesday 11 January 2012 7:18

You should say, "And this is why you have to knock" and make it a lesson rather than a slip-up. :)

By Afghanee666 | 0

#194560 - Wednesday 13 May 2009 12:41

Beat them for the Taliban!

By fuckyourlife8 | 0

#194561 - Wednesday 13 May 2009 12:41

Well the pervert thing is unjustified, but seriously, you can't tell her off for not respecting other people's privacy and then just walk into her room without knocking. Just apologise to her and let it serve as a reminder for next time to think before you go in there. She's a 16 year old girl, be glad she wasn't doing anything worse when you walked in!

Reply

chelzy | 0

#1041633 - Thursday 24 June 2010 17:59

I agree. oh, btw, I'm lesbian, and I don't give my friends bikini waxes. yer daughter is obviously a creep. or, this fml is a lie. but still, learn to knock.

Reply

chelzy | 0

#1206493 - Sunday 8 August 2010 5:09

why do u moderate a comment saying that I'm lesbian and I don't do that?!?!?! is homosexuality a crime all of a sudden?!? fuck you moderators!!! just plain fuck you.

Reply

NancyDeebensDPDS | 0

#2289927 - Monday 4 April 2011 2:04

Apologize*. damn u britain!

By Wittlestalker | 0

#194563 - Wednesday 13 May 2009 12:43

That is disgusting. Why would they be giving eachother bikini waxes? I love my friends and I would do anything for them, but not that. You should tell her she can't have friends over anymore...

Reply

XoX_CUPCAKES_XoX | 0

#1800752 - Monday 6 December 2010 5:05

agreed

Reply

soketgo | 0

#2454021 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 22:34

and that would screw thongs up

Reply

emsbitch | 0

#2859819 - Sunday 10 July 2011 7:37

are you kidding me? telling her she can't have friends over wouldn't solve anything. she'd just get super pissed off, and do the same things at other people's houses. teenagers will be teenagers, and there are some things you cannot stop then from doing.

Reply

malaak2 | 16

#5981993 - Friday 20 June 2014 16:38

Wait what's wrong with giving each other bikini waxes? It isn't easy to do alone and if you're comfortable enough with your friends it shouldn't be considered a bad thing.

By two2 | 0

#194564 - Wednesday 13 May 2009 12:43

i'd be more concerned that her and her friends give each other bikini waxes

Reply

smartalek | 2

#2648189 - Thursday 9 June 2011 16:15

Nah I know a lotta girls that are there when they out in tampons

Reply

smartalek | 2

#2648207 - Thursday 9 June 2011 16:19

Nah I know a lotta girls that are there when they out in tampons

By dirtyhippie | 0

#194567 - Wednesday 13 May 2009 12:45

You really did ask for that one.
YDI But they are obviously just trying to one up you on the pervert thing.

Reply

WeezyBites | 6

#2210861 - Sunday 20 March 2011 13:36

I must say, I like your pic.

Reply

gracieroxursox | 3

#2299761 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 22:28

lmaooo!

By hockysa | 0

#194568 - Wednesday 13 May 2009 12:46

i love 16yo slurrys

By lolwhat_fml | 0

#194574 - Wednesday 13 May 2009 12:49

YDI, but there just calling you a 'hyprocritical pervert' so you wont her them in trouble for biniki waxing.
and #8, your disgusting

Reply

PaperCaper | 11

#1189209 - Wednesday 4 August 2010 19:56

why would they get in trouble for that? sure it's weird that they're doing it to each other, but that'd be like getting in trouble for helping your friend shave.

By ba11in | 0

#194576 - Wednesday 13 May 2009 12:50

You should have been like "Sorry, I thought something broke"