Today, I gave my 16 year old step daughter and her friends a... - FML

By firewait - 13/5/2009 00:23 - Canada

Today, I gave my 16 year old step daughter and her friends a lecture on respecting other people's privacy. Two hours later, I accidentally walked into her room without knocking. She and her friends were giving each other bikini waxes. Now her friends call me the hypocritical pervert. FML

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Alternative medicine is bull

Bad news

By Noname - 7/2/2009 20:42 - United States

Today, my mom was telling me a funny story about when I was young. So I said 'yeah I was funny huh?' She replied 'Yep, I had a funny one and a pretty one'. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2020 05:01

Collateral damage

Today, my sweet, nonviolent boyfriend found out my daughter's asshole boyfriend had hit her, so he rugby-tackled him so hard, it ripped the door right out of the frame and into the garden. I never knew he had it in him, so I'm proud, but now we've got to fix the door. FML

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By jen - 16/1/2009 00:39 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with a couple of friends and one of them tells a funny story about how he filled a condom with syrup and put it in his friend's mouth while he was asleep. Me with my big mouth starts to say, "Condoms taste na--" and stopped myself as everyone started laughing at me. FML

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By skc - 14/3/2009 11:36 - United Kingdom

Today, I gave myself a facial with one of those masks you leave on for a while. I busied myself by tidying my room while it dried and eventually forgot all about it. I finally remembered about it after I answered the door to the postman. Not embarassing enough? I'm a guy. FML

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By J - 7/2/2009 21:16 - United Kingdom

Today, I went looking for a childhood doll - I remembered that my mum kept her in her bedside cabinet. I could see the doll at the back, but there was stuff in the way, so I reached in and took some of it out, only to find I was holding one of my mum's toys... a big black rubber cock. FML

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By Mustang - 5/8/2010 01:13 - United States

Today, some jerk super glued leaves and a note onto my car's front windshield. Not only is it directly in front of the driver's seat and makes it nearly impossible to drive, but it won't come off. What makes it worse? I was spending the night at a friend's house and the note was meant for her. FML

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By not even interested - 15/10/2017 16:00

Today, at a wedding reception, I accidentally caught the bouquet. I got cussed out by the women who were fighting over it for being uninvited and party crashing. I'm a busgirl and the bouquet only landed on the tray I was holding. FML

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By person - 20/9/2015 23:57 - United States - League City

Today, I accidentally fell asleep at work after working a 12-hour shift. Instead of waking me up, my coworkers spiked my coffee mug with whiskey and told my boss I was drunk. My boss wouldn't even listen to my side of the story and fired me. FML

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By WasntMe - 28/5/2018 20:30

In the words of Shaggy...

Today, my husband went through my phone and computer, accusing me of cheating. Baffled and hurt by the untrue accusation, I asked what he found that made him think that. He replied, "Nothing! Absolutely nothing!" Apparently, no evidence IS evidence. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/2/2012 15:01 - United States

Today, I picked up a prostitute. The prostitute was my sister, and I picked her up from jail. FML

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By Snotmyfault - 11/1/2009 14:33 - United States

Today, at the age of 22 I started eating my boogers. FML

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By NewTenant - 20/6/2011 07:37 - United States

Today, while a very cute girl was explaining the apartment's laundry machines to me, I blurted out, "It's okay, my pants are used to handling huge loads". FML

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By nocatlover - 21/1/2010 21:40 - United States

Today, I woke up to the news that my son had put the cat in the dryer the night before. He didn't turn it on, and the cat is just fine, but now I need a new dryer so my clothes won't smell like cat urine. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2015 05:56 - United States

Today, I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time. Afterwards, I got up to get some water. When I stood up, I fell straight to the ground, my legs were so weak. As I fell, I hit my head on the end table and knocked myself unconscious. My boyfriend laughed at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2020 17:02

Corporate ass

Today, I found out that my boss would rather give grant money back than give it to any of his employees as any sort of bonus for working through the pandemic. Two of us have worked for him for over 20 years. So much for loyalty I guess. FML

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By far23 - 15/7/2009 19:44 - United States

Today, I had a big party that left my house really messy. I spent hours cleaning the house until it was spotless. When my parents got home, my dad said "Did you have fun at the party?" and I said, "How'd you know?" and he replied "You hate cleaning and the house was filthy when we left". FML

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By Anonymous - 18/3/2010 05:18 - United States

Today, I finally realized that the only time my mother talks to me is when she needs money. FML

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By - 4/9/2019 14:00 - New Zealand

Asshat

Today, my hours at work were slashed due to company wide cut backs. The only coworker unaffected was the asshat who stole my promotion after I'd trained them. FML

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By Miguel - 20/8/2011 19:40 - United States

Today, in algebra, I took out my notebook. My Chinese teacher was so impressed with my "Chinese" writings on the cover that I'm now her "favorite student". Those "Chinese" symbols are actually Japanese, but I wanted someone to like me so badly that I didn't correct her. FML

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By cchandler - 23/9/2009 01:10 - United States

Today, I received a phone call from the number of a "single" guy I met online. It was his wife, who is three months pregnant. She threatened to kick my ass. FML

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By Job Seeking - 22/1/2013 11:14 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I was cleaning at work when an elderly gentleman walked towards me, paused, and with a wink said, "That's what I like to see: a girl on her knees." This is the same workplace where another old man informed me that my yellow uniform made me look like a "suggestive cheesecake." FML

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By exnotwelcome19 - 2/5/2011 01:05 - United States

Today, my mom told my abusive ex-boyfriend, whom I broke up with 5 days ago, that he is always welcome at my house. She "misses him". FML

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By Anonymous - 12/2/2016 19:21 - United States - Boise

Today, I now know what it feels like to violently sneeze while a nurse still has a needle in your arm. FML

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By FenderBender - 3/9/2009 04:54 - Canada

Today, I was driving home from work and noticed the car behind me was tailgating me pretty badly. I was starting to get angry with the driver, and kept glancing in my rear view mirror at him. While I was doing so, the traffic ahead of me stopped, and I rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

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By ThanksMom - 26/3/2009 18:17 - United States

Today, my parents were helping me construct my bed. We ended up not having enough screws to properly secure the frame. My dad mentioned that it might cause problems if I got a girl into my bed. My mom said, "Don't worry about it, we all know that's not going to happen." FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2015 15:49 - United States - Bradenton

Today, I was sitting in a bar telling some young dude to accept responsibility for his life choices. I'm over 50 and was spending my last five dollars on beer. FML

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By GoldenTornado11 - 10/5/2017 14:00

Today, I walked in on my parents having sex. In my room. FML

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By singleagain - 24/8/2009 05:16 - United States

Today, I almost got married. After the elaborate and very expensive wedding, my "husband" decided he did not want to sign the marriage license because he wasn't sure if he really wanted to settle down after all. FML

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By joolsie - 13/4/2012 13:11 - United Kingdom - York

Today, a guy asked me why I'm single. As a joke, I told him that not only do I have a penis, but that it's so large that most men are intimidated by it. He wasn't impressed. And I actually wonder why I'm single. FML

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By userrrrr - 18/10/2009 02:25 - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend's idea of "washing her feet" is sticking her foot in the toilet and flushing. FML

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By Monty - 1/3/2009 08:45 - United States

Today, I was baking cookies. When I took the tray out of the oven I closed the door, but it bounced back open and hit me in the back of the knees. That caused me to sit down on the hot oven door. I was just wearing my short bathrobe and no underwear. I really burned my ass and um...stuff. FML

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By MBean - 24/10/2013 18:04 - Anguilla - The Valley

Today, I saw a wasp on the ground, apparently injured and unable to fly. It was being mobbed by ants and looked certain to die, so I stamped on the ants to save its life. At this point it sprung up, stung me, then flew off. FML

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By jena - 22/8/2018 22:00

EMERGENCY

Today, my daughter called 911. Why? Because she couldn't get the images to show up on her phone. She's 12. FML

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By life_suxxx - 17/12/2009 06:09 - United States

Today, I come home to find that my dog has taken a dump on my bed. I quickly put on my house shoes to avoid possibly stepping on any other of his turds. I felt something squish all over my right foot. He also took a dump in my house shoe. FML

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By TheLastGreatDope - 20/2/2018 23:00 - United States - Winchester

Today, I received a random message on a dating app. It was the girl I'd always wanted to marry, but who disappeared from my life when we were younger. She went on and on about how much she missed me... and how much she wanted me to meet her husband and 3 kids. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2020 20:01

Constant flow

Today, my granny called me to, "Come change me please, I just peed." I interrupted what I was doing, walked over to her bed, pulled down her covers and was just about to go for the pad when she said, "Actually... I'm still peeing. Come back in a couple of minutes." FML

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By Rosie J. - 10/11/2016 02:45 - United States - Leawood

Today, I saw an older gentleman running through my store. I wasn't sure why he was running towards the front door until I looked at the floor and saw a poop trail behind him. The trail went from the front of the store all the way to the back of the store. Guess who had to get the mop and bucket. FML

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By birdmagnet - 25/4/2009 19:12 - United States

Today, I spent 90 dollars and two and a half hours getting my hair done at a fancy salon. As I was unlocking my car, a bird pooped in my hair. FML

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By fuck em all - 27/9/2018 14:00

Today, my entire family is giving me the cold shoulder, including my parents, for not going to my sister's wedding. No one seems to care her new husband bullied me so badly in high school that I still need medication for my anxiety 15 years after graduating. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2013 18:11 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I had a dream in which I was being mugged. I started fighting the muggers off, while in reality, my fist smacked my wife in the face. Now she has a black eye, nobody believes my story, and they think I'm a wife beater. FML

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Top comments

By two2 | 0

#194564 - Wednesday 13 May 2009 12:43

i'd be more concerned that her and her friends give each other bikini waxes

By fuckyourlife8 | 0

#194561 - Wednesday 13 May 2009 12:41

Well the pervert thing is unjustified, but seriously, you can't tell her off for not respecting other people's privacy and then just walk into her room without knocking. Just apologise to her and let it serve as a reminder for next time to think before you go in there. She's a 16 year old girl, be glad she wasn't doing anything worse when you walked in!

COMMENTS

By BenignScientists | 0

#194549 - Wednesday 13 May 2009 12:33

You really should learn to knock.
Accidents happen though, don't dwell on it, she'll forget eventually

...

just trying to make you feel better, FYL

Reply

xiShawnx | 0

#1172408 - Sunday 1 August 2010 19:46

Are you a guy? are her friends hot? :)

Reply

poloy325 | 9

#5419195 - Monday 25 March 2013 3:08

You mean his daughters friends?

By MKflyy | 0

#194558 - Wednesday 13 May 2009 12:39

Double standards FTW.

Reply

fightingkittens | 39

#3685558 - Monday 5 December 2011 6:12

How is that a double standard? He's clearly acknowledging the fact that he was an asshole.

Reply

smallfrie32 | 6

#3864824 - Wednesday 11 January 2012 7:18

You should say, "And this is why you have to knock" and make it a lesson rather than a slip-up. :)

By Afghanee666 | 0

#194560 - Wednesday 13 May 2009 12:41

Beat them for the Taliban!

By fuckyourlife8 | 0

#194561 - Wednesday 13 May 2009 12:41

Well the pervert thing is unjustified, but seriously, you can't tell her off for not respecting other people's privacy and then just walk into her room without knocking. Just apologise to her and let it serve as a reminder for next time to think before you go in there. She's a 16 year old girl, be glad she wasn't doing anything worse when you walked in!

Reply

chelzy | 0

#1041633 - Thursday 24 June 2010 17:59

I agree. oh, btw, I'm lesbian, and I don't give my friends bikini waxes. yer daughter is obviously a creep. or, this fml is a lie. but still, learn to knock.

Reply

chelzy | 0

#1206493 - Sunday 8 August 2010 5:09

why do u moderate a comment saying that I'm lesbian and I don't do that?!?!?! is homosexuality a crime all of a sudden?!? fuck you moderators!!! just plain fuck you.

Reply

NancyDeebensDPDS | 0

#2289927 - Monday 4 April 2011 2:04

Apologize*. damn u britain!

By Wittlestalker | 0

#194563 - Wednesday 13 May 2009 12:43

That is disgusting. Why would they be giving eachother bikini waxes? I love my friends and I would do anything for them, but not that. You should tell her she can't have friends over anymore...

Reply

XoX_CUPCAKES_XoX | 0

#1800752 - Monday 6 December 2010 5:05

agreed

Reply

soketgo | 0

#2454021 - Tuesday 3 May 2011 22:34

and that would screw thongs up

Reply

emsbitch | 0

#2859819 - Sunday 10 July 2011 7:37

are you kidding me? telling her she can't have friends over wouldn't solve anything. she'd just get super pissed off, and do the same things at other people's houses. teenagers will be teenagers, and there are some things you cannot stop then from doing.

Reply

malaak2 | 16

#5981993 - Friday 20 June 2014 16:38

Wait what's wrong with giving each other bikini waxes? It isn't easy to do alone and if you're comfortable enough with your friends it shouldn't be considered a bad thing.

By two2 | 0

#194564 - Wednesday 13 May 2009 12:43

i'd be more concerned that her and her friends give each other bikini waxes

Reply

smartalek | 2

#2648189 - Thursday 9 June 2011 16:15

Nah I know a lotta girls that are there when they out in tampons

Reply

smartalek | 2

#2648207 - Thursday 9 June 2011 16:19

Nah I know a lotta girls that are there when they out in tampons

By dirtyhippie | 0

#194567 - Wednesday 13 May 2009 12:45

You really did ask for that one.
YDI But they are obviously just trying to one up you on the pervert thing.

Reply

WeezyBites | 6

#2210861 - Sunday 20 March 2011 13:36

I must say, I like your pic.

Reply

gracieroxursox | 3

#2299761 - Tuesday 5 April 2011 22:28

lmaooo!

By hockysa | 0

#194568 - Wednesday 13 May 2009 12:46

i love 16yo slurrys

By lolwhat_fml | 0

#194574 - Wednesday 13 May 2009 12:49

YDI, but there just calling you a 'hyprocritical pervert' so you wont her them in trouble for biniki waxing.
and #8, your disgusting

Reply

PaperCaper | 11

#1189209 - Wednesday 4 August 2010 19:56

why would they get in trouble for that? sure it's weird that they're doing it to each other, but that'd be like getting in trouble for helping your friend shave.

By ba11in | 0

#194576 - Wednesday 13 May 2009 12:50

You should have been like "Sorry, I thought something broke"