Work: Today, I gave a short presentation at a neighborhood watch event...

By "ironyyyyyyy" -_- - United States - Marion

Today, I gave a short presentation at a neighborhood watch event to raise awareness of pickpocketing and to give tips on how to avoid becoming a victim of it. After I got back home, I realized my wallet was missing from my pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39912

You deserved it

6190

Favorite

Work

Stop talking!

Dementia or hate? You decide

Never engage with psychos

By SorrySnowWhite - United States - Baltimore

Today, I yelled at a new employee for violating the company's makeup policy which is minimum coverage. She had red lipstick, very dark drawn eyebrows, and foundation that made her look like a ghost. She took out a makeup wipe and used it then showed me it, only to reveal she doesn't wear any. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5896

You deserved it

14926

Favorite

By Rhine - Barbados - Bridgetown

Today, at a Christmas party, my crush came up to me and cutely pointed out that I was standing under mistletoe. The only response my stupid brain could think of was, "Probably full of nargles though." He gave me a confused look and walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33076

You deserved it

14992

Favorite

By SisterOfTard - United States - Florence

Today, my brother offered me $20 to practice his kissing on me for his date later this evening. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47354

You deserved it

4678

Favorite

By ojskyguy - United States - Pearl

Today, I knocked over and broke one of two very expensive wine bottles. As I was using the mop to clean it up, the handle knocked over and broke the other. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32285

You deserved it

8934

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Parenting fail

Today, I left the living room for 3 minutes to make a coffee. When I went back, my 4-year old had found a permanent marker, God knows where, since I don't own a permanent marker. She'd then drawn on her face, the carpet, wall, sofa, both dogs and as an added bonus the TV screen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1894

You deserved it

497

Favorite

By moudly - United States

Today, my mom finally believed me when I said I smelled mold. I lifted up the couch, and it was covered in mold. So were the bottoms of all our furniture, our beds, and my grandma's vintage chair. We've been living in mold for the past 4 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31533

You deserved it

4971

Favorite

By Sylvania - United States

Today, I was playing a medieval game with my brother, when he took all of his character's clothes off and said, "Let's have sex!" I looked at him and said, "UH YOU ARE MY BROTHER!" He turns and looks at me, smiling and says, "But not in the game!" I am a 19 year old girl. He is 12. FML

I agree, your life sucks

77575

You deserved it

5558

Favorite

By Mia - United States - Astoria

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, when we heard a screech. My two cats were having it harder than us. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51206

You deserved it

7220

Favorite

By jdsksoapy - United States

Today, my parents punished me and made me wash my mouth out with soap for cursing. I'm almost 19. I said the word "hell". FML

I agree, your life sucks

210693

You deserved it

34919

Favorite

By Anonymous - 10/5/2021 22:00

Science has gone too far

Today, I watched our very clever cat turn on our oven with ease. I now fear for my children's lives. FML

I agree, your life sucks

798

You deserved it

108

Favorite

By Anonymous

Slip of the tongue

Today, a few army recruiters came to my school to discuss their jobs with us. When asked to say our name and what we wanted to do when we were older, I said I wanted to be a prosecutor. Everyone started laughing. Turns out everyone thought I said prostitute, including the recruiters. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1441

You deserved it

166

Favorite

By HelloItsMee123 - United Kingdom

Today, I had routine surgery and should have been discharged on the same day. Now due to an avoidable mistake the surgeon made I'll be staying in hospital over Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7289

You deserved it

419

Favorite

By Brit - United States

Today, I made a Facebook under a guy's name and I'm sending myself wall posts just so it looks like I actually talk to a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16036

You deserved it

45304

Favorite

By Sam - United States - Eureka

Today, my art teacher showed off a painting of his name he got in Japan. I can read Japanese, and it actually says "Old idiot". I really don't want to break it to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50594

You deserved it

5200

Favorite

By Anonymous - 25/2/2021 17:01

Well done!

Today, I got congratulations at work for being "so focused" and "not spending time on my phone." I didn't have the heart to tell my manager I don't spend time on my phone because I have no friends to talk to. FML

I agree, your life sucks

732

You deserved it

100

Favorite

By IHateMySister - Denmark - Kirke-hyllinge

Today, my sister confessed that when she runs out of clean underwear, she uses mine. That wouldn't be so bad if she didn't also put it back in my dresser afterwards so I wouldn't notice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22719

You deserved it

1336

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my father in law drunkenly announced at dinner that he wished my husband had married my best friend. No one stuck up for me. Not even my husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42312

You deserved it

3362

Favorite

By Nickname - United States

Today, I went to the emergency room for busting my lip open, I had to lie and tell them I slipped and fell. In reality I was singing with the soap bottle and slammed it into my lip. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22720

You deserved it

13822

Favorite

By Krissy. - United States

Today, my dad and I were at the grocery store buying toilet paper. As we walk out I see these two attractive guys that I know. My dad gets that I think they're cute, so he shouts "Hey babe, how's your stomach feeling now? Will this be enough for you?" They walk away laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

75642

You deserved it

4970

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Chicago

Today, my neighbor - whose first words to me when I moved onto the block were "I don't like your face" - called the cops and claimed I'd been exposing myself in public. His lowlife buddy backed him up on his lie. I'm pretty sure I'm going to end up in deep trouble thanks to them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22182

You deserved it

1279

Favorite

By nerdychick - United States

Stalker vibes

Today, I printed out a picture of the popular girl in school as a sort of 'model' for how I wanted my hair cut. The hairdresser taped the picture to the mirror so he could see. Halfway through, my 'model' came in for an appointment. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33927

You deserved it

22207

Favorite

By vcarder - United Kingdom

Today, my friends were all talking about the first time they bought condoms. I can still remember the first time I bought them; in fact they are unopened and expired in my bedside table. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38592

You deserved it

6347

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I found a video of my girlfriend having sex with her male best friend on her computer. When I confronted her about it she said it was from before we met. In the video, she was wearing the engagement ring I bought her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

62756

You deserved it

3749

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I listened to my elderly bachelor neighbor moan, "Oh, kitty, kitty, kitty! Oh kitty!" for over half-an-hour before he wandered out on his balcony in wet, tight white underwear to water his plant. This is the fifth time this week, and I still don't know what on earth he's doing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44140

You deserved it

3365

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to go get my driver's license, only to be told that I need a copy of my birth certificate. In order to get the copy of my birth certificate, I need a driver's license or my passport. In order to get a passport, I need a copy of my birth certificate or a drivers license. I have none. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48619

You deserved it

5516

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Warrensburg

Today, I shaved my vagina for the first time ever. Had sex with my husband and then asked if he liked that. He said, "You've done that before, though". I haven't. We've been married 15 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17161

You deserved it

1802

Favorite

By DDD - France

Today, I had sex with a guy. As he was sleeping next to me, I checked his facebook messages and saw that he sent a message to one of his buddies asking what kind of lotion helps get rid of crabs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21317

You deserved it

66610

Favorite

By TheLastSerenade - Australia - Sydney

Today, I saw a woman breast feeding her child at the local park. That would have been just fine if the child wasn't at least 8 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39677

You deserved it

3967

Favorite

By Aaron Lewis - United States - Topeka

Today, I bumped into a man on the street. I apologized and he picked up his wallet. To clear the awkward silence, I pointed out that his wallet looked like mine. It wasn't until I was on the next street that I realized it was my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28268

You deserved it

10709

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went downtown with my friends. A group of guys came up to us and started hitting on everyone but me. Then, one of them said: "Do you girls hang out with her to make yourselves look better?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

43749

You deserved it

3847

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Nottingham

Today, my husband of 3 weeks told me he doesn't want to be married anymore because I suggested getting a joint bank account. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31728

You deserved it

4417

Favorite

By 9gingerface66 - United States

Kinky

Today, after finally getting up the confidence, I started talking really dirty to my boyfriend on the phone. I was getting really onto it, and he seemed to enjoy it too. Then I stopped for a second to gauge his reaction. He was snoring. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29716

You deserved it

4642

Favorite

By plaid_is_cool

Open-minded

Today, my mom called me and asked me to fix her computer, three days after saying she never wanted to see me again for dating a boy. I got lectured to on how I'm ruining my life the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1427

You deserved it

205

Favorite

By Heyhey - France

Today, I met someone with the same name as me for the first time ever. I'm 20 years old, he is 97. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25404

You deserved it

4737

Favorite

By briiiiiiii123 - United States - Buffalo

You tried

Today, my boyfriend and I had 'car sex'. It sucked and resulted in him masturbating into a McDonald's bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36334

You deserved it

7700

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, the lady in front of me in the checkout line had a pacifier hanging around her neck, but I didn't think much of it until it was time for her to pay. She reacted to the $250 total by crying like a baby and very loudly asking me to put the pacifier in her mouth to calm her down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3347

You deserved it

205

Favorite

By - United States - Rockville Centre

Today, my girlfriend of 3 months broke up with me via text and said she was keeping the cat. I've had the cat since for seven years since she was a kitten. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3261

You deserved it

206

Favorite

By Anonymous

Stereotypes

Today, my girlfriend's Facebook relationship status was changed to single. When I tried to ask her about, she told me she's a lesbian now. Her mullet should've been a clue. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1450

You deserved it

304

Favorite

By Bob

A heads up next time maybe?

Today, when my girlfriend walked out the room, for a laugh, I covered my whole body except my knob in blankets. Then when I heard her come back in, I yelled, "Surprise!" It was her mom, who'd dropped by unannounced. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2019

You deserved it

834

Favorite

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I finally found out whether or not my boyfriend is cheating on me. Turns out he isn't. He is cheating on his wife, with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52051

You deserved it

6415

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By flashback.miss | 28

#5737118 - Friday 1 November 2013 1:41

cruel, cruel irony, indeed....hopefully you were able to cancel your cards and didn't suffer too big a monetary loss.

By Nyx_fml | 23

#5737121 - Friday 1 November 2013 1:41

Now you'll have to avoid giving them tips on how to avoid grand theft auto too. Even avoid giving tips on how to play GTA. You don't want to push your luck.

COMMENTS

By flashback.miss | 28

#5737118 - Friday 1 November 2013 1:41

cruel, cruel irony, indeed....hopefully you were able to cancel your cards and didn't suffer too big a monetary loss.

perdix | 29

#5737204 - Friday 1 November 2013 2:19

#1, I'm not familiar with that song. Is it some kind of Wimpy Hip-Hop Rap? I can't keep up with you kids!

LindsayxMoore | 18

#5737226 - Friday 1 November 2013 2:33

oh man that sucks. hope you got everything canceled and replaced before anyone could steal anything.

perdix | 29

#5737241 - Friday 1 November 2013 2:46

#22, is that the same song that #1 quoted? It seems it would be hard to dance to.

science-teacher | 15

#5737305 - Friday 1 November 2013 3:39

I don't get it

metalhead4740 | 14

#5737353 - Friday 1 November 2013 4:31

Look at #1's username

LindsayxMoore | 18

#5737977 - Friday 1 November 2013 16:56

yea its a pretty catchy tune. one of my favorites.

By Nyx_fml | 23

#5737121 - Friday 1 November 2013 1:41

Now you'll have to avoid giving them tips on how to avoid grand theft auto too. Even avoid giving tips on how to play GTA. You don't want to push your luck.

coried91 | 28

#5737143 - Friday 1 November 2013 1:47

Am I the only one confused here?

Nyx_fml | 23

#5737167 - Friday 1 November 2013 1:57

If he gives tips on how to avoid getting a car stolen, then he'll get his own car stolen. Oh my, my jokes suck. I'll just blame it on my Carlos Mencia / Dane Cook hybrid costume.