Today, I found thousands of ants in a secret nest in an unused...

By Anonymous - 10/9/2011 15:34 - United States

Today, I found thousands of ants in a secret nest in an unused corner of my apartment. They were feeding on the baking mix I forgot in a box from moving two months ago, and the queen has been laying her eggs on my wireless router. FML

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Miscellaneous

Too embarrassed to get them from a store?

Child labor

Weird kid

By Florida Girl - 9/3/2019 12:00

Today, I met my boyfriend’s parents for the first time today and learned that his mom is from the same area as my dad. Before I could tell a funny story of my dad’s senior prank, his mom said during her senior year, some asshole spray-painted their school mascot on their football field. That was my dad’s senior prank. FML

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By Blackberry - 10/7/2009 19:15 - Canada

Today, I paid $80 to change my cell number because my ex-girlfriend had been stalking me. To inform all of my friends of the change, I sent a mass text message to everyone in my phonebook. Including my ex. FML

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By saraleerocha - 2/11/2010 06:20 - France

Today, I was cashier at work. The line came to a stop, but there was still people there. I kept saying next, but no one moved. I finally looked over the counter where there was a lady who had been standing there the whole time. She was a midget. FML

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By KD - 4/1/2015 21:53 - United States - Simi Valley

Today, my friends and I were talking about our celebrity lookalikes. We decided that my friends all had attractive celebrity lookalikes, including Scarlett Johansson and Hayden Panettiere. When it was my turn, they decided that my "celebrity" lookalike is the Pillsbury Doughboy. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2012 10:51 - Australia - Croydon

Today, I went to the bar I've always gone to after work for the past 12 years. On arrival, I got banned for life, punched in the nose and thrown out. The barmaid comes out and says, "Sorry, wrong guy." FML

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By naas1201 - 10/5/2020 23:00

It's not working

Today, and since the beginning of our couples therapy, my wife and I don't do it anymore. FML

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By idiot - 9/7/2012 21:26 - United States

Today, I was sitting in my car waiting my shift to start. I must've fallen asleep because I woke up to a call from my boss firing me. I was in the parking lot. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2013 16:21 - United States - Mount Carmel

Today, I accidentally ran a stop sign. It wouldn't have been so bad if the stop sign hadn't been in a traffic cop's hands. FML

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By FamilySecret - 29/1/2011 06:55 - United States

Today, while at my boyfriends place, I thought I would be nice by folding his laundry and putting it away since he was working late. I opened his sock drawer and sitting on top was a photo of his mother, naked. FML

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By jfc, how just how - 19/5/2013 19:56 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, my brother broke his mountain bike, so he stole mine, and managed to break it as well. Then he made some kind of franken-bike out of parts from both, and messed that one up too. FML

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By stuck - 19/9/2011 19:31 - United States

Today, I went to see my boyfriend with the intention of breaking up with him. Instead I discovered that he lost his job today and has to move back in with his parents. I can't bring myself to dump someone who's already crying about his horrible day. Now I have to comfort my soon-to-be ex. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2011 13:16 - United States

Today, I spent two hours driving all over town looking for a store that sold pumpkins. When I finally found some, I was charged ten dollars per pumpkin. Later, I went to my town's annual Halloween festival and discovered they were giving pumpkins away for free. FML

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By Taylor - 21/4/2014 04:04 - United States - Dubuque

Today, my boyfriend drove 20 miles to come see me. The closest we got to intimacy was him showing me how he could unlock his iPhone 5s with his penis. FML

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By Unreasonable - 23/3/2020 14:00 - United Kingdom - Bath

Bridezilla vs. the Coronavirus

Today, I received a threatening DM from my so-called best friend, telling me that she wouldn't be calling off her wedding next week, despite everyone telling her to postpone due for health and safety reasons, and would claw my eyes out if I stayed in quarantine with my sick mum instead of coming. FML

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By coolguy - 6/11/2012 05:15 - United States - Chesapeake

Today, I woke up and looked over to see the "beautiful girl" I slept with last night. Turns out it was the obsessive girl from my class with a man-face I had avoided all semester. In conclusion, beer goggles are very real and very powerful. FML

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By cat.imakittycat. - 7/4/2015 07:14 - New Zealand - New Plymouth

Today, I was outside with my two new kittens. A woman came rushing over, saying how glad she was that they were outside. She then started complaining that she had only been able to see them through the windows previously. I have no idea who she is or where she lives. FML

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By B - 31/1/2012 20:36 - Netherlands

Today, I had a quicky with my boyfriend, because his dad was about to pick him up. Afterwards, I texted: "Nice to meet your dad, hope we didn't look too heated." A few minutes later, he replied: "Great timing, he was holding my phone." FML

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By just outdone - 31/12/2016 04:45 - United States - Turtle Lake

Today, I've been staying with my parents while I have time off from school. They got drunk and started an entire family fight because my dad made pizza and my mom is lactose intolerant. She insists my dad did it on purpose because "he's an asshole and knows I can't eat cheese." FML

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By fretting - 8/9/2016 17:02 - United States - Fort White

Today, my co-worker, who used to be in a frat with me in college, decided to tell all my coworkers as well as my boss all the stupid things I did in college, starting with the time a girl stole my clothes and I had to walk across campus naked. FML

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By forever alone - 9/5/2015 23:03 - Germany - Apolda

Today, my boyfriend told me that we wouldn't move in together as we had planned to do for a long time. His mother forbade it. He is 27. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2012 20:38 - United States

Today, I'm so broke that when I got out of the shower, I had to slowly dry myself off with a ShamWow sample I received in the mail. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/4/2020 05:00

There's an app for everything

Today, my boyfriend told me that he could predict my periods because he keeps track of when I'm at my bitchiest each month. This wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't so accurate. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2014 19:02 - United States - Converse

Today, like every day since my wife was prescribed antibiotics for an infection, I had to hide one of the pills inside her food, because she'd apparently rather fall seriously ill than swallow them like an adult. FML

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By Kathryn - 8/8/2011 23:58 - United States

Today, I went to my favorite all you can eat buffet. The cook tapped my shoulder and told me to stop eating. FML

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By selfishsexysanta - 24/12/2012 18:06 - United States

Today, I gave my husband an early Christmas present: Santa-themed lingerie. He got angry and called me selfish, for "using" him as an excuse to get myself nice stuff. FML

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By meesmees - 23/11/2013 10:48 - United States - Severna Park

Today, I ended up talking to a homeless man and bought him a meal. In return, he hugged me and groped my ass. FML

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By Holly - 5/2/2010 07:33 - United States

Today, I lied to the treadmill about my weight. FML

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By Wow - 11/4/2013 12:52 - United States

Today, my boyfriend fell asleep while watching TV. I thought it would be cute to try to kiss him awake like they do in the movies. He farted. FML

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By DumbassRoaster - 10/7/2016 19:44 - United States - Fairview

Today, I was woken up by my dad and my dog barking at each other, and my dad yelling, "I am the Alpha male!" FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2011 05:17 - United States

Today, while making New Year's resolutions, I realized that I haven't hung out with anybody other than my family in over two years and I started crying. When my mom came in and I explained why I was crying, she replied, "Well that sucks. I'm off to have lunch with some friends. See you later!" FML

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By Badhusky - 29/8/2018 20:30

Today, I had to carry the dead weight of my 90-pound husky upstairs to the bath because he hates it. He cried the entire time, loudly. He then rolled in the dirt when I let him outside to pee not even an hour later. FML

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By optimist - 26/1/2010 19:03 - United States

Today, after wondering why I didn't receive a grade for a summer course I took in 2007, I realized that I gave the professor the wrong student ID number. Someone else received credit. I've been waiting on this grade for 8 months in order to graduate. FML

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By fionna_fiamma - 12/12/2015 13:33 - Slovenia - Maribor

Today, my boyfriend came to my house for the first time. Today was also the day my body decided to throw up violently for four hours while he awkwardly sat beside me, waiting for his ride home. FML

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By foreveralone - 1/12/2014 14:37 - Australia - Fitzroy

Today, I got friendzoned by three different women. Each girl suggested I should ask out one of the other two women who also friendzoned me. FML

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By jared77 - 2/8/2011 16:26 - United States

Today, my mom decided to give me a bloodcurdlingly graphic sex talk. On a plane. I'm 23. FML

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By BrokenHearted - 4/7/2009 21:11 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years who had taken a job in a new city last month came into town and told me that she had slept with a co-worker last Friday. Last Friday I was incredibly lonely but I turned down a very attractive woman because I didn't want to hurt my girlfriend. FML

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By natalyV - 4/9/2015 15:58

Today, my boyfriend has been sulking like a moody kid all day, all because I won't set my phone background to a picture of his dick. FML

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By Y_Y - 27/2/2015 20:20 - United States

Today, I saw my grandma had registered on Facebook, so I wrote a welcome post on her wall. She replied "Delete." several times, then called me, accusing me of "hacking" her and demanding that I remove my name from her page at once. FML

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By Jonathan Park - 5/3/2020 09:06 - Canada - Richmond Hill

Karaoke Dinner Disaster

Today, I went on a first date. She got plastered within the first hour, then a song came on in the restaurant and she told me, "This song's about meeeeee." FML

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By GetFuzzy - 18/10/2019 12:00

Coach Class

Today, I was on the phone with my diet coach. I was telling her how I lost 3 pounds this week. I was saying this while eating a bag of chips, a beer in my hand and cooking a 3-meat pizza. FML

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Top comments

By Saltime | 0

#3268261 - Saturday 10 September 2011 19:15

She lays her eggs there because she can wirelessly transfer them to any part of the nest.

By Vanbilsen | 4

#3268224 - Saturday 10 September 2011 19:13

Clean up your mess son

COMMENTS

By Vanbilsen | 4

#3268224 - Saturday 10 September 2011 19:13

Clean up your mess son

hemz_fml | 13

#3268251 - Saturday 10 September 2011 19:15

That's why you clean shit up.

monkeys1315 | 0

#3268308 - Saturday 10 September 2011 19:18

That's nasty. You should probably take care of that

GwarKitty | 5

#3268337 - Saturday 10 September 2011 19:19

Dude it's like Indian in the Cupboard but cooler. You could train your little colony to raid small good stores. Rule side by side with their Queen. This is a win not a fml.

indielove | 13

#3268416 - Saturday 10 September 2011 19:28

Your place sounds cozy.

iluvhobos | 5

#3268423 - Saturday 10 September 2011 19:29

YDI for not cleaning, and for saying 'a thousands'.

Keyman1212 | 14

#3268451 - Saturday 10 September 2011 19:34

Methinks you live in a lonely bachelor pad...

LiveLaughFML | 10

#3268536 - Saturday 10 September 2011 19:50

i've heard of computers having Cookies, but never cyberspiders. :O

krazy_glu3 | 0

#3268664 - Saturday 10 September 2011 20:15

Am I the only one who had to read the first sentence over a few times because the wording was all screwed up?

the_ace1337 | 0

#3268840 - Saturday 10 September 2011 20:57

Why the fuck are you posting an FML, go get the flamethrower behind the utility cabinet now!!! Wait, everyone DOESN'T have a flamethrower? :|

NikkiFlysKites | 8

#3268992 - Saturday 10 September 2011 21:36

42- You mean cyberants?

liquidfireKAN | 0

#3268996 - Saturday 10 September 2011 21:38

where do you see the word spider in this FML?

R34luver | 5

#3271138 - Sunday 11 September 2011 6:50

Make an ant hill x)

mfjkr | 10

#3271145 - Sunday 11 September 2011 6:51

Has anyone pondered this situation...I smell an ant farm

By missyj0 | 12

#3268226 - Saturday 10 September 2011 19:13

Do you ever clean?

abbyelizabeth | 9

#3268713 - Saturday 10 September 2011 20:27

You can make some delicious ant-filled cake now.

abbyelizabeth | 9

#3268715 - Saturday 10 September 2011 20:27

You can make some delicious ant-filled cake now.

xleanne_aLly | 23

#3268819 - Saturday 10 September 2011 20:52

Drop ant poison in the baking soda :)

KiddNYC1O | 20

#3269126 - Saturday 10 September 2011 22:28

Nah, cinnamon does the trick. And clean up the half eaten Snickers bar...

Scoty12C | 6

#3331254 - Friday 23 September 2011 4:41

Flammable aerosol + Zippo lighter = ant burning fun frenzy in the corner! :D

By Kirashai | 9

#3268235 - Saturday 10 September 2011 19:14

Call an exterminator

mb2_native | 15

#3269011 - Saturday 10 September 2011 21:45

guess its time for billy the exterminator :o

Pandaloverr | 0

#3269488 - Sunday 11 September 2011 1:46

Ah ! You live in Louisiana !! I love Billy !!

skata | 4

#3271067 - Sunday 11 September 2011 6:23

orkin man

baileylaidlaw | 6

#4356637 - Thursday 26 April 2012 4:32

For ants? Unless they are red ants the exterminator is a little extreme. Just grab some raid and grow a pair.

Maybe clean your apartment more offen.

By soccergurl95 | 8

#3268239 - Saturday 10 September 2011 19:15

Atleast it wasn't thousands of spiders :D

chiddy_bang71 | 0

#3268499 - Saturday 10 September 2011 19:44

Or thousands of 1 hit wonder 80s CDs

chiddy_bang71 | 0

#3268501 - Saturday 10 September 2011 19:44

Or thousands of 1 hit wonder 80s CDs

guitarplayer546 | 0

#3268793 - Saturday 10 September 2011 20:47

I would freak out if I found a box of spiders. As a basement dweller I see them here and there and it always makes me jump. Dunno what it is but man they freak me out