Animals: Today, I found out what mouse intestines squashed against my...

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15

You deserved it 2

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 350

You deserved it 92

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 141

You deserved it 1 250

04/08/2015 19:19

Today, I found out what mouse intestines squashed against my bare feet feels like. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 439

You deserved it 2 643

Animals

This Charming Man

There's no helping some people

Own it

03/11/2011 06:22

Today, I learned that all it takes to anger my sister's new parrot is to walk past its perch. I also learned that a beak over two inches long is very capable of inflicting injuries that require stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 087

You deserved it 4 180

03/12/2015 14:02

Today, I accidentally walked in on my dad as he was getting changed. Now I know genetics can be a real bitch. With such a massive difference in size, I have to question whether I'm even biologically related to this old three-legged git. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 932

You deserved it 3 577

14/09/2011 15:47

Today, a lady came into my workplace to pay her $120 bill in one dollar bills. I kept losing count. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 763

You deserved it 12 618

08/07/2009 14:37

Today, I overdrew my account and ended up paying an extra 35 bucks for a 1.99 item. It was an application on the iPhone that is supposed to help me keep track of my money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 662

You deserved it 52 690

23/06/2019 00:16

Today, I’ve discovered that even if he brushes his teeth for 10 minutes straight, flosses, and rinses with mouthwash, my boyfriend’s breath still smells like a cross between sewage and rotting fish. I’m running out of excuses for not kissing him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 587

You deserved it 211

01/05/2012 13:58

Today, I was talking to my co-workers about how I've sadly been an orphan since an early age. One of them exclaimed, "Hey, just like Batman!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 965

You deserved it 5 013

A pasting for pasties

By Anonymous - 11/07/2021 14:01

Today, some bloke pushed me to the floor and kicked me twice in the head so he could steal, no joke, the two Greggs pasties I just bought. He wasn’t homeless either, he had designer jeans and a giant iPhone, and he did it in broad daylight with witnesses. What the hell? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 033

You deserved it 54

18/12/2008 11:46

Today, it's my birthday. It's 6.30 pm. I'm still the only person aware of what day it is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 741

You deserved it 2 704

23/02/2012 23:52

Today, I came back from a holiday and the friend who'd been looking after my cats returned my spare key. When I wanted to put some relaxing music on, I noticed that he'd switched most of my CDs around in their cases. I have over a thousand of them. Very funny, thanks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 306

You deserved it 4 562

20/06/2016 17:25

Today, my work directory was updated to reflect my recent promotion. Due to lack of space, they abbreviated the title. I'm now listed as "Sr Anal". FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 261

You deserved it 1 650

13/07/2013 14:32

Today, I woke up to a strange noise. I looked over to see my drunk husband standing at the dresser. I asked him what he was doing. "Peeing." I asked him, "In the sock drawer?" There was a pause. "Am I peeing in the wrong drawer?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 007

You deserved it 4 592

18/02/2009 14:15

Today, I got talking to a really hot guy at a party. He told me that he was only here because he heard the host would sleep with anyone, and he and his buddies had a bet going. It was my party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 620

You deserved it 20 353

You never know

By Mezzlegasm - 10/07/2009 08:20

Today, I was talking to my good friend's girlfriend. She mentioned being afraid of losing her job. Because she was still a teenager, I jokingly said, "Oh, like you're responsible for a whole family!" She is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 063

You deserved it 51 166

04/04/2017 12:00

Today, my boyfriend got mad at me for starting to give him oral sex because I wasn't paying attention to the Marvel movie he was showing me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 264

You deserved it 2 477

11/09/2012 06:11

Today, after my annoying neighbor who used to spend hours playing the cello in the apartment below me finally moved out, I found out that I have a new musical neighbor moving in. This fellow plays the bagpipes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 280

You deserved it 2 901

10/03/2015 22:38

Today, I was stopped in the grocery store by a stranger, who berated me, quite loudly, for going out in public in my pajamas. I had just gotten off work and was wearing scrubs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 277

You deserved it 2 294

02/01/2010 13:41

Today, I was trying to see how far I could get away from the toilet while pissing. Instead I tripped over backwards and pissed all over my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 108

You deserved it 73 237

I am hungry

By Hungry - 23/12/2019 01:00

Today, I thought my mother was coming into my room to give me lunch. She gave me cleaning supplies instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 627

You deserved it 3 053

Nametags work

By Blanerd - 15/10/2009 12:33

Today, I was in a work meeting because our clientele is unhappy with our service. I was in there because I don't correct our customers when they get my name wrong. My name is Blane, but "Blair", "Blake", "Lane", and "Glenn" got rave reviews. No one picked up on this. I hate my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 194

You deserved it 4 277

11/04/2017 20:00

Today, my apartment was robbed. The police report said my apartment was ransacked. No it wasn't, that's how looks everyday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 890

You deserved it 2 318

What's the point?

By Emily - 07/06/2020 20:08

Today, whilst doing training as a mental health nurse, our glorified pineapple of a lecturer told us that trying to stop patients wanting to commit suicide isn't a possibility. So, what the hell are we training for? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 356

You deserved it 145

16/07/2014 15:44

Today, I woke up to my dog jumping on my bed and licking me all over. It would've been fine, if I hadn't woken the first time a few minutes earlier to the sight of him going to town on his balls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 748

You deserved it 5 160

25/11/2011 15:02

Today, I found a condom on my bed with a note written by my girlfriend that said, "Since you started acting like a dick, you might as well dress like one." FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 501

You deserved it 62 135

Heavy phone, dude

By Burton - 12/06/2021 20:00

Today, I'm in the E.R. because I broke one of my toes when my cellphone slipped from my hands after taking a shower. Needless to say, my cellphone broke too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 613

You deserved it 306

27/05/2016 23:40

Today, I dropped my father-in-law's friend off at the airport, and I got in trouble because he ended up missing his flight. He only missed it because he forgot to check in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 736

You deserved it 791

24/03/2019 14:00

Today found out I need to have emergency surgery which is extremely convenient considering I'm literally supposed to be moving out of state in 2 days and my whole house is completely packed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 076

You deserved it 121

Paperboy on Commodore 64

By Xero_316 - 05/11/2009 21:33

Today, I was doing my paper route. I throw the papers onto people's driveways while sitting on the back of my dad's truck. To be funny my dad decided to suddenly speed up, causing me to fall off the back of the truck, face first onto the road. He didn't realize I fell off and kept driving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 577

You deserved it 4 281

04/09/2015 21:56

Today, my boss called me to say that I've been slow at work this week and that I will be replaced if I don't pick up the pace. That would be understandable, if I didn't have a broken ankle and pneumonia. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 057

You deserved it 1 596

01/11/2012 03:04

Today, I was handing candy to a little boy who was trick or treating by himself. He was small enough to grab the candy and run past me into my house. I've been searching my house for two hours and still can't find him. I'm afraid to go to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 639

You deserved it 2 794

30/04/2016 04:38

Today, while examining my busted nose in the mirror, I had a sneeze attack. Now it looks like someone got their throat slashed in my bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 055

You deserved it 1 453

07/03/2009 12:03

Today, I had to run to catch my train, so I didn't get the chance to buy a ticket. When the conductor was in sight, I saw he was a young man and I opened my top a little, in hopes of not having to pay a fine. When I told him I didn't buy a ticket he said: "Close your top, I'm gay". FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 309

You deserved it 167 688

19/02/2017 01:00

Today, I was in the shower washing my hair when my hand ran down the shower caddy and in particular, on my razor. If I wasn't woozy from all the blood splatter around the shower - seeing the bone that connects my finger definitely did it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 477

You deserved it 736

29/08/2019 22:05

Today, my mom proudly told me that she found the perfect thing to combat my B.O. Extra strength degreaser. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 246

You deserved it 213

Lonely, so lonely

By Anonymous - 01/12/2020 05:02

Today, after a nice Thanksgiving with my parents and the question about when I'll bring a woman with me to meet them, I absent-mindedly typed the old dating site. I swiped completely dry with no responses into my browser, reminding myself that my entire city didn't have one person interested in dating me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 703

You deserved it 1 021

02/01/2017 09:22

Today, I decided to catch a flight to see my boyfriend, who is stationed in the army 300 miles away. When I was just 15 minutes from the base he called to say that we should break up. Now I'm heading back to California, single and broke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 868

You deserved it 628

29/08/2019 04:00

Today, my mother-in-law "borrowed" my dog without asking, to show him off to her friends. My dog is my service animal, and I'm not comfortable leaving the house without him. I have to be at work in an hour, and she's not picking up her phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 167

You deserved it 407

04/02/2009 07:53

Today, I got up at 5am, brushed my teeth, shaved and showered to get ready for work only to step barefoot in a huge pile of dog crap in the middle of my living room floor. I don't own a dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 082

You deserved it 2 341

10/12/2009 20:41

Today, my coworker asked to borrow my nail clippers so he could take care of a hangnail. He went to the bathroom, which I thought was polite, but when he got back to his desk and returned my clippers, there were little curly hairs stuck inside. He's bald. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 528

You deserved it 3 148

18/02/2014 19:49

Today, while getting intimate with my boyfriend, he started sucking on my breast. He ended up popping a pimple on it into his mouth. He threw up and that, as they say, was the end of that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 156

You deserved it 19 222

06/01/2009 03:27

Today, I lent my brand new earrings to one of my friends. Everyone told her that they are pretty, and look really great on her. I've been wearing them for the last 3 weeks, and no one has ever mentioned them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 099

You deserved it 2 548

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Top comments

iHappyFeet 11

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Wednesday 5 August 2015 1:16

more like Fuck the mouse's life

Wer3Wolf3 16

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Wednesday 5 August 2015 1:16

You should have been wearing sqeakers.

Comments

Verst 16

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Wednesday 5 August 2015 1:15

That's unfortunate.

fishingforubies2 27

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Wednesday 5 August 2015 1:15

Squishy?

Rented_eyebrows 18

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Wednesday 5 August 2015 3:01

You don't say -....-

Wer3Wolf3 16

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Wednesday 5 August 2015 1:16

You should have been wearing sqeakers.

TrippingOnAcid 29

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Wednesday 5 August 2015 1:18

*applause*

MrSassypants 32

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Wednesday 5 August 2015 2:26

It reminds me of that one episode of SpongeBob where he had squeaky boots. "Why did you eat my boots, Mr. Krabs?"

onlychildFTW 33

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Wednesday 5 August 2015 3:28

Oh I'm sure his feet were squeaking for a brief moment there. Haha.

iHappyFeet 11

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Wednesday 5 August 2015 1:16

more like Fuck the mouse's life

paravoz 30

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Wednesday 5 August 2015 8:15

it's already been fucked...

ImZakki 15

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Tuesday 11 August 2015 1:34

Or whatever is left of it

Emmamazing 26

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Wednesday 5 August 2015 1:16

I bet that was a wonderful experience, OP.

andy594328 17

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Wednesday 5 August 2015 6:51

It took a lot of guts.

nicolefrangipane 14

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Wednesday 5 August 2015 1:16

poor mouse :

cutycat136 28

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Wednesday 5 August 2015 1:17

Watch where you're going next time op. I can't believe you ruined my do-at-home dissection for class

sean18202 10

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Wednesday 5 August 2015 1:19

well you just made your cats day useless, more like fml for your cats!

KelseyDaBoyz 21

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Wednesday 5 August 2015 1:24

Poor guy :(

Kevinmeowbeanz 22

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Wednesday 5 August 2015 1:27

You killed Remy :0

soullyfe 33

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Wednesday 5 August 2015 1:32

Remy is a rat, but it does seem they've killed Jerry...

1dvs_bstd 41

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Wednesday 5 August 2015 1:37

you bastard!

Kevinmeowbeanz 22

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Wednesday 5 August 2015 2:08

Itchy is also a possibility