Animals: Today, I found out what mouse intestines squashed against my...

By whydoihavecats - United Kingdom

Today, I found out what mouse intestines squashed against my bare feet feels like. FML

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Animals

Out of it

Late term

Grow up

By MyLegsHurt - United States - San Francisco

Today, I felt flexible in my yoga class. I put my legs in the butterfly position and tried to press them down. Both my hips popped very painfully and I screamed in the middle of a quiet room. FML

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By yeyt209 - United States - Bismarck

Today, I passed out in my car in a McDonald's parking lot. I got woken up by a cop. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while cleaning out a closet with my mother, I found a wish list from when I was five. On that list, I wished my parents would divorce. Not only did that seriously hurt my mom, but now she thinks I'm the devil because my wish came true. FML

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By BugDTV - United States - Auburn

Today, I went to open my store but corporate had changed the locks without notice. The store's being sold. FML

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2811

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By SummerGirl0009 - United States

Today, I discovered that the medicated eye drops I have been taking to fight a mild eye infection show up under black lights when I walked into a party and the whole left side of my face was glowing. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/6/2020 23:04

Taste test

Today, I went to give my boyfriend head, and his dick tasted like condoms. I'm 5 months pregnant, we obviously don't use condoms. He got scared when I stopped and told him, then he got mad at me. FML

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2322

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By maddiee. - Indonesia

Today, I was on Skype with a guy I really like, in the living room. My dad saw that I was on video chat, got undressed, right down to his bright green y-fronts, and then started dancing behind me. My crush saw it all. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, I was upset over a recent break up. It showed while I was at work, and I made a customer sad just by looking blue. She complained to my manager. I got written up for being so depressed that I got a customer depressed too. FML

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By Anony Mous - United States

Today, my boyfriend moved. I found out when I went over to surprise him with take-out food and he was pulling out of the driveway. He flipped me off as he drove past. FML

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40664

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By ulisha5 - Bulgaria - Burgas

Today, my son told his 8-year-old sister that since she swallowed an apple seed, that a tree is going to grow in her stomach and kill her. She's inconsolable and won't believe that she'll be fine, because "they say that to all the dying people on TV". FML

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48482

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By Krit - United States

Today, my drunk mother got into a fight with the lady at Krystal burger. Why? "Because the bitch said they aren't making special orders." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, my psycho ex broke into my fiancée's apartment and cut up her expensive wedding dress. The nutjob is in jail now, but it doesn't seem like the wedding will be happening any time soon. FML

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Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By Catholicguy - United States

Today, I was about to propose. I got on my knee in front of my girlfriend and opened the box. My friend thought it would be funny to replace the ring with a condom. FML

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50114

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By FuckingDone - United States - Enterprise

Today, my brother's refused to shower after 2 weeks of dripping sweat and never changing clothes. He claims the smell is just his "manly musk" and if I can't handle it, then maybe I'm the problem. FML

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14018

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By Anonymous - Latvia - Riga

Today, while giving a lecture on gender equality in the workplace, a woman yelled from the back, asking me why I'm not out starting a war somewhere. I stopped talking and tried to pinpoint her in the crowd, which she took as a sign to snort and call me a pussy. Nobody would back me up. FML

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22107

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By PhantomKitty - United States - Saint Albans

Today, I called in about a job application I put in over a week ago. Apparently, the branch of the company that I applied to was never given my information, and the position was filled days ago. I've been checking the status of the position online daily, and it still says that it's open. FML

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11164

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States - Roseville

Today, while having sex, my fiancé started talking dirty. I enjoyed it, until he had a brain fart and said, "God, you love fucking my pussy." FML

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35792

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By RiceSickle - United States - Pleasanton

Today, I received the $30 parking pass that I ordered over 4 weeks ago. My class is only 4 weeks long, and next week is the last week. FML

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38710

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By BaliTheDog - France

Today, I was walking my dog when he stopped in the middle of the street and took a dump. I looked around furtively but saw nobody, so I just kept walking. I stepped in it on the way back home. FML

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11991

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I kissed my girlfriend. She threw up in my mouth. FML

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55798

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By Sam - Canada

Today, I ordered more memory and a new hard drive for my computer. I can't remember the last time I was this excited about something. FML

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41883

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By CallMeCherry - 26/8/2020 07:59 - United Kingdom

PSA

Today, I managed to "permanently and irrevocably" damage my spine. How? By bending down and picking up a piece of paper. According to my doctor, essentially I need to, "bend over like a stripper if I want to pick something up." FML

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1289

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By leelee50 - United States

Today, my on-and-off boyfriend of 8 years asked me to cheer him up. I told him that I'm in love with him. He said "Oh, I just wanted a blowjob." FML

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45049

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By Shirley - United States

Today, while out for our romantic Valentine's dinner, my boyfriend of 2 and a half years told me that he believes in females being subservient, that I'm not allowed to have opinions anymore, that he is "the alpha dog" and I'm merely the "beta dog", and that I have to "get used to it." FML

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37776

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By megean c.l. - United States

Today, my dad was making drinks for my mom and himself, so I asked him to make me some coffee too. When he brought me my drink, I took a sip, and realized he'd poured salt in it. As I gagged, he muttered, "Next time, make it yourself." FML

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33726

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By Anonymous - United States - Sioux City

Today, I had a babysitting job. When I got there, the parents were rushing out the door and told me they'd left instructions for the kids on the table. The first bullet point stated that the oldest was convinced she is possessed by the devil, but just to ignore it. Three more hours to go. FML

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30829

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By ripmyphone - United States - Glen Allen

Today, while I was walking across a bridge, a prepubescent middle schooler grabbed my phone from my hand and threw it into the water. His friend filmed it, high-fived him, and they both ran off. I got that phone less than a week ago. FML

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24928

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1714

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By never again - Canada - Carstairs

Today, I babysat for a woman for the first time. When I arrived, there was a large pile of dishes in the sink. I decided to wash the dishes for her while the kids napped. She came home, noticed it, and bitched me out over how I'd only done it "to try and get more money" out of her. What? FML

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30713

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By ari - United States

Wankers of the world unite!

Today, I found out why teenage boys have "Keep out" and "Please knock" signs on their bedroom doors. FML

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By blaze - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me a really sweet poem that he wrote for me. I think it was secondhand - the first letter of each verse spelled his ex girlfriend's name. FML

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33030

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By Dashofweak - United States - Mount Vernon

Today, I did the math and discovered that every year, I pay the equivalent cost of a luxury car to a college that can't even keep rats out of the dorms. FML

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14836

Phew, glad it wasn't me

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By burnnnnn - Ecuador

Today, I was walking with a friend after buying two cups of steaming hot coffee. While crossing the busiest street in town I tripped and fell, spilling the coffee all over me. My friend didn't notice I fell right in front of her and tripped over me spilling her coffee on me as well. FML

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By Blerp

Today, I got chewed out by my boss for not doing my job. Turns out what's described in my job description, contract, and job title isn't my job. My real job is outlined in the footnote of my contract. FML

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6664

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By Links - United States

Today, a McDonald's employee had to correct my math after counting out $2.37 in change. I'm in AP Calculus and am currently learning how to find the derivative of an inverse of a logarithm. FML

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10038

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By I'm a moron

Today, I woke up in an empty room. Thinking I'd been kidnapped, I kicked the door in. The previous night was a blur, and thought I'd been drugged. I was actually in the room my friends had put me in last night, because I went on a drunken rampage. It cost me $100 for a new door. FML

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575

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By Anonymous - Mexico - Mexico

Today, I tried to give my husband a striptease for his birthday. I wound up tripping over my own panties and nearly dislocating my shoulder. FML

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46937

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By Anonymous - Canada - Gatineau

Today, I blacked out while hugging my dad. I woke up a minute later on the floor with my dad telling me to, "quit being lazy and get up." FML

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20160

You deserved it

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By ozzy - United States - Campbell

Today, was trying to have an adult conversation with my fiancée but she's always on her phone, so I sent her a text message instead. Relationship goals. FML

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9803

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By SHAME!

Oh, hai Mark!

Today, I ran into an attractive friend of a friend I hadn't seen since a night out last month. I tried my best to be friendly and interesting, but he still seemed awkward. Later I found out that the last time he saw me I was blind drunk and vomiting after having propositioned him all evening. FML

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930

You deserved it

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By ohgodwhy - United States

Today, my boyfriend came over to cheer me up after I'd had a sleepless night. He thought it would be a good time to propose. Unfortunately, it coincided with me yawning. FML

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Top comments

By iHappyFeet | 11

#6371469 - Wednesday 5 August 2015 1:16

more like Fuck the mouse's life

By Wer3Wolf3 | 16

#6371468 - Wednesday 5 August 2015 1:16

You should have been wearing sqeakers.

COMMENTS

By Verst | 16

#6371465 - Wednesday 5 August 2015 1:15

That's unfortunate.

By fishingforubies2 | 27

#6371466 - Wednesday 5 August 2015 1:15

Squishy?

Rented_eyebrows | 18

#6371563 - Wednesday 5 August 2015 3:01

You don't say -....-

By Wer3Wolf3 | 16

#6371468 - Wednesday 5 August 2015 1:16

You should have been wearing sqeakers.

TrippingOnAcid | 29

#6371482 - Wednesday 5 August 2015 1:18

*applause*

MrSassypants | 32

#6371551 - Wednesday 5 August 2015 2:26

It reminds me of that one episode of SpongeBob where he had squeaky boots.

"Why did you eat my boots, Mr. Krabs?"

onlychildFTW | 33

#6371581 - Wednesday 5 August 2015 3:28

Oh I'm sure his feet were squeaking for a brief moment there. Haha.

By iHappyFeet | 11

#6371469 - Wednesday 5 August 2015 1:16

more like Fuck the mouse's life

paravoz | 30

#6371732 - Wednesday 5 August 2015 8:15

it's already been fucked...

ImZakki | 15

#6377373 - Tuesday 11 August 2015 1:34

Or whatever is left of it

By Emmamazing | 26

#6371471 - Wednesday 5 August 2015 1:16

I bet that was a wonderful experience, OP.

andy594328 | 17

#6371708 - Wednesday 5 August 2015 6:51

It took a lot of guts.

By nicolefrangipane | 14

#6371472 - Wednesday 5 August 2015 1:16

poor mouse :

By cutycat136 | 28

#6371476 - Wednesday 5 August 2015 1:17

Watch where you're going next time op. I can't believe you ruined my do-at-home dissection for class

By sean18202 | 10

#6371486 - Wednesday 5 August 2015 1:19

well you just made your cats day useless, more like fml for your cats!

By KelseyDaBoyz | 21

#6371497 - Wednesday 5 August 2015 1:24

Poor guy :(

By Kevinmeowbeanz | 22

#6371501 - Wednesday 5 August 2015 1:27

You killed Remy :0

soullyfe | 33

#6371508 - Wednesday 5 August 2015 1:32

Remy is a rat, but it does seem they've killed Jerry...

1dvs_bstd | 41

#6371512 - Wednesday 5 August 2015 1:37

you bastard!

Kevinmeowbeanz | 22

#6371534 - Wednesday 5 August 2015 2:08

Itchy is also a possibility