Miscellaneous: Today, I found out the presentation I've been looking forward... - FML

By kernelkat - 06/11/2009 15:22 - United States

Today, I found out the presentation I've been looking forward to and preparing for months only has three people registered to attend. I'll be talking to an empty room for an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 626

You deserved it 2 644

Dementia or hate? You decide

Walk on the wild side

Best teeth in the game

By djshahso - 26/02/2010 00:14 - United States

Today, I decided it would be funny to give my friend a peanut that had fallen on the floor. I hid it in his food, and started laughing when he ate it. It turns out he is allergic to peanuts. His family hates me now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 648

You deserved it 46 814

By epicsquishii - 01/05/2012 11:02 - United States - Riverbank

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend yet again unsuccessfully tried to hold in uncontrollable giggling every time I moaned or sighed during sex. He's 24. I'm terrified of his reaction should I ever reach an orgasm with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 843

You deserved it 3 440

By Crypticbeerbelly - 11/01/2017 14:44

Today, I was reading a recipe list on my tablet. I moved a little, and one of my fat rolls came into contact with a button which closed the tab. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 213

You deserved it 3 715

Exes from hell

By what the actual fuck?! - 02/08/2021 07:01 - United States

Today, my psychotic ex-boyfriend hit a brand new low. I was served court papers, saying that he’s suing me by demanding I give him a paternity test for my daughter. He’s also telling everyone he’s her real father. He and I were broken up for more than a year before I even got pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 091

You deserved it 72

The jury's out on this one

By Anonymous - 19/11/2020 11:03 - United States - Fairfax

Today, I start my second week of jury duty. I was only supposed to do one week of jury duty and then go on a week of a pre-paid vacation. Instead, I’m required to go back to court this week, I’m spending my evenings doing my regular job, and I lost nearly $1,000 that I pre-paid for lodging. FML

I agree, your life sucks 974

You deserved it 118

By ShitFaced - 01/03/2012 11:35 - United States

Spicy

Today, I realized I've never had sex with someone who was sober at the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 998

You deserved it 21 521

By angel grace - 15/02/2018 15:00

Today, I woke up feeling ill. My mom sent me to school anyway, and grounded me for "lying" about being sick. As soon as I got to school, I began vomiting blood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 042

You deserved it 236

By smallmediumatlrg - 25/06/2009 19:17 - United States

Today, I went to a yard sale and found a cute plush duck. I sent a pic of it to my friend with the message "Jackpot!" I guess she didn't see the pic because she called me up all excited, thinking my boyfriend of 6 years finally proposed to me. "No, I said, I just found a big duck for $1." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 242

You deserved it 7 000

By Anony-moose - 11/10/2011 09:43 - United States

Today, I had to explain to a patient that no, her nipples were not slowly getting smaller. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 074

You deserved it 2 554

Pushy

By Anonymous - 05/08/2021 22:02

Spicy

Today, I went on a date with my crush and I was so desperate to impress him, I talked him into a blowjob, after he turned down full sex since it was only a first date. He asked me to stop halfway through, because apparently I have bad technique and hurt him with my teeth. He left. I’m such an idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 347

You deserved it 1 553

By Anonymous - 23/05/2014 22:06 - Canada - Oakville

Today, while driving home, some idiot kept tailgating me, so I slowed down, hoping he'd overtake me. He didn't, so I pulled to the side of the road. He did the same, in front of me. He kept toying with me until I crashed into another car trying to speed away from him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 507

You deserved it 15 843

By kitchencrime - 28/08/2009 06:11 - United States

Today, my friend snuck up on me and yelled, "Gotcha!" I screamed and dropped a gallon of blood-red paint on my new, white kitchen floor. Now it looks like I've murdered someone in my kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 699

You deserved it 4 458

By haha - 04/09/2011 00:04 - United States

Today, I was at the library, and had finally found the book I'd been looking for, when a man approaches me, says "The main character dies at the end", and walks away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 423

You deserved it 3 420

By marriageblows - 22/01/2012 02:18 - United States

Today, I had the day off from work. I did all the chores hoping to free up time to spend with my husband tonight. When he came home, he looked around and decided that since there was no need for him to stick around and help clean, he'd head to the bar to watch the game with the guys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 053

You deserved it 3 844

By brick - 14/05/2018 10:00 - United States - Geneva

Today, I went to sleep at 7am. I learned once that Indians used to drink tons of water before bed to force themselves awake so I did that in case my alarm (which I hooked up to my speakers) didn't work. The alarm worked, but the shock of the blasting sound made me pee my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 101

You deserved it 3 037

By Rose - 15/06/2012 05:54 - United States - Tenino

Today, I was at the mall with my friend. A lady came up to us and told my friend that she could be a model. Then the lady looked at me and said, "Oh... Nice shoes." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 486

You deserved it 2 643

By DoseyGit - 24/01/2017 08:00

Today, while brushing my teeth I noticed a hair in the sink. Running the scenario over in my mind, I was going to simultaneously spit into the sink and throw the hair on the floor. Creating a big ball of phlegm, I threw the hair back into the sink and launched a huge mouthful onto the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 028

You deserved it 2 885

By rejected - 29/01/2010 14:14 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he has "commitment issues". He said he "cared" for me but didn't "love" me. He did this 30 minutes after we'd hooked up and said we loved each other. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 595

You deserved it 4 929

By ihatebeingacashier - 11/07/2016 21:06

Today, I handed a middle-aged woman her change of $0.75 with three quarters. She looked at the change bewildered and threw the coins down, asking if she thought I could get away with only giving her thirty cents. I had to explain to her how much a quarter is worth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 177

You deserved it 723

By theDiva - 21/01/2009 11:22 - Malta

Spicy

Today, I am down to 3 euros. My mother just stole the last two euros from me. I asked what she needed them for? Condoms. My mother can have safe sex. I can't buy lunch tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 870

You deserved it 2 151

By muffinmen1022 - 20/02/2009 05:27 - United States

Today, I went to Macy's to go shopping, I was wearing a shirt and tie and dressed nicely. Customers came up to me with questions, but I just ignored them. Minutes later, thinking I was an employee, the manager came and yelled at me, and threatened to fire me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 351

You deserved it 11 796

Long secret

By Cam - 14/01/2020 05:00 - Sri Lanka - Colombo

Today, I realized that my boyfriend is still scared of his ex. It's been 8 months and our relationship is still "secret." Why? Because he's scared that she will find out and tell his family about us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 588

You deserved it 408

By Anonymous - 26/12/2013 16:16 - United States - Spring Hope

Today, I am sitting next to a guy who very clearly has lice crawling on his head. It's a six hour flight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 127

You deserved it 3 077

By Anonymous - 26/08/2011 17:49 - United States

Spicy

Today, I had to take my dog to the vet for him to be put to sleep. I could feel the cold, hard shaft of irony slide its way up my ass and slowly fuck me senseless with every step I took on this beautiful National Dog Day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 581

You deserved it 6 090

Fighting fit

By AnonThoughts - 24/10/2019 06:00

Today, my body is so messed up that I pulled a muscle in my side while farting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 383

You deserved it 298

By rhiannakirwan - 17/04/2016 18:48 - United Kingdom - London

Today, 5 minutes before I had to leave for school, my friends convinced me it was "pajama day" at school. I showed up in slippers and Sponge Bob pajamas. My school wouldn't let me go home to change. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 564

You deserved it 7 277

Mind your own beeswax

By Anonymous - 22/08/2020 17:02

Today, I saw an employee showing off a picture on his phone. I couldn't quite see what it was and tried to inject myself in to the conversation. "Whatcha got there, a cow?" It wasn't. It was a photo of his wife, posing in her wedding dress for the first time since their wedding day several years and children ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 463

You deserved it 2 567

By Sad_Happy_Gorl - 14/06/2019 16:00

Today, after getting together with the guy who I like, and who actually likes me back, he finally kissed me. Unfortunately, he kisses like he’s trying to suck out my soul. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 641

You deserved it 196

By loser weeper - 26/11/2018 21:00 - United States - Cape Coral

Today, after looking for my phone for three weeks, I used find my iPhone to track it to my sister-in-law's house. Her response? "Finders keepers, losers weepers." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 849

You deserved it 255

By highfive - 17/10/2014 01:27 - United States - Dedham

Today, my boyfriend gave his penis a high five for not getting me pregnant. He does this every time I get my period. Every. Single. Time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 294

You deserved it 7 093

By grossedout - 01/11/2014 00:39

Today, I was walking back to my dorm with my boyfriend. He was being really sweet as he held my hand. We were about to kiss goodnight and as he pushed some hair out of my face he said, "Can we hurry it up? I'm about to rip one." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 974

You deserved it 3 705

By Australian Lifeguard - 22/10/2014 03:18 - United States - Scottsdale

Today, I was giving lifeguard instructions to a couple of teens. When I quizzed them about what they should do when someone is choking, one of them said, "Take a step back" and winked at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 783

You deserved it 4 016

By Anonymous - 17/10/2010 04:28 - United States

Today, I proudly gave my grandma a picture I had drawn for her. She didn't seem thrilled with it, and afterwards the rest of my family seemed upset. Nobody could fathom why I drew grandma a picture of a graveyard for her 85th birthday. It was suppose to be a bridge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 894

You deserved it 6 860

Relatable

By yuupper - 19/05/2021 10:59

Today, I realized that I could have slept all day yesterday and it would've changed nothing. I don't talk to anyone and I don't do anything. My presence or lack of presence in this world means nothing and affects nobody. FML

I agree, your life sucks 913

You deserved it 225

By stupid useless criminal - 21/11/2017 19:00

Today, I saw a young child passed out unattended in a hot car so I smashed the windows to rescue him. After waiting with him for 30 minutes, his mom came out and called the cops on me. I officially have a probation violation and the mom went home free. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 480

You deserved it 536

By Anonymous - 09/04/2015 15:10 - United States

Today, I got a 'Good Morning' text from my boyfriend. Since I hadn't gotten one of those in a while, I thought it was rather nice. That is, until I saw the picture that accompanied it. It was of him, sitting on the toilet and taking a shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 586

You deserved it 3 852

By Suzie Leone - 24/01/2012 03:21 - United States

Today, it's "family fun night." We're pulling weeds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 421

You deserved it 2 694

By poor_college_kid - 15/09/2016 12:39 - United States - Tucson

Today, I found out that I owe my college a little over $10,000. Why? Because, due to a slight misspelling of my name, the scholarship that I have been going insane trying to meet the requirements for is not actually giving me any funding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 584

You deserved it 853

Caught

By Kiki - 28/04/2021 08:03 - Belgium

Spicy

Today, I was home alone while my family was on a trip for 3 days at the beach. I walked around naked and did stuff, thinking they wouldn't know. After a whole evening of doing stuff like that, I noticed a camera. They were filming it all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 121

You deserved it 419

By Anonymous - 13/11/2012 10:00 - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, I arrived home after a hard day's work to see my 12-year-old sister had greased up my 8-year-old brother with butter and olive oil, and was attempting to slide him down the wooden floorboards in the hallway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 806

You deserved it 2 411

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Friday 6 November 2009 20:30

The room won't be empty, there will be three people.

perdix 29

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Friday 6 November 2009 20:35

Try to practice a soothing monotone and see if you can put all three to sleep. I hope your presentation is scheduled right after lunch. If you can succeed, you can leave and get some work done . . . or screw around on the Internet!

Comments

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Friday 6 November 2009 20:30

The room won't be empty, there will be three people.

TheHeroOfTime 0

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Friday 6 November 2009 22:05

Probably because you're a woman like Intoxicunt, no one likes you, and you can't drive. YDI

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Saturday 7 November 2009 17:22

4 including him :) but he will only be talking to three

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Monday 14 February 2011 14:39

ha!

perdix 29

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Friday 6 November 2009 20:35

Try to practice a soothing monotone and see if you can put all three to sleep. I hope your presentation is scheduled right after lunch. If you can succeed, you can leave and get some work done . . . or screw around on the Internet!

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Friday 6 November 2009 20:48

That's miserable. I've been there, and I know. The best thing to do, even though it's hard, is to go ahead and give it all you've got, making the best presentation you can, in spite of the empty room. That's not just a piece of pollyannaish buck-up advice; it will be a useful training experience, toughening you up for future situations where you have to perform under difficult conditions.

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Friday 6 November 2009 20:52

Is your presentation on the Effects of Cost Reductions in Training Budgets?

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Friday 6 November 2009 20:55

Brrr. This happened to me too, and it's a cold feeling.

ragsy 7

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Friday 6 November 2009 20:59

When this happens to me (and it happens to everyone) I pull them into a circle and do a casual walkthru of the content. Only a cunt would do a formal preso for 3 people.

wingedspiritus 0

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Friday 6 November 2009 21:11

Er? If the person giving a conference chooses a certain method, it doesn't make it a cunt. That's retarded. I liked the technique you mentioned, but you made it look like trash with the comment that followed it. :/

perdix 29

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Friday 6 November 2009 20:59

You'd get extra credit if all of the attendees are women. . . and it turned out that one or more of them had something to compare. You'd practically be Svengali!

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Friday 6 November 2009 21:00

im sure ive seen this posted before. was identical to this.

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Saturday 7 November 2009 0:28

so search for it, post it, or stfu

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Friday 6 November 2009 22:08

If she pulls it off well, you never know, the three people might be just the ones to say 'you missed a great presentation, damn it was good and I thought I would bore myself to sleep' and that might just make more people come in the future!

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Friday 6 November 2009 22:28

Borrrriinnnngggggg.

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30

You deserved it 17

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 95

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 559

You deserved it 115

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 280

You deserved it 95