Money: Today, I found out that turkeys can fly. I also found out how... - FML

By Anonymous - 12/04/2015 18:29 - United States - South Burlington

Today, I found out that turkeys can fly. I also found out how much a new windshield costs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 073

You deserved it 2 913

Late term

Egg mode

For the union makes us strong

By wtf did he do - 19/07/2015 09:02 - United States - Anchorage

Today, while in the waiting room at the dentist's office, I looked up at the news on the TV to see my husband's mugshot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 785

You deserved it 2 237

No Ragrets

By surfergal91 - 14/02/2011 20:12 - United States

Today, I rummaged around in the attic, looking for old pictures of me and my family, so I could make a surprise collage. Instead, I found my dad's old journals, talking about how desperately he didn't want a kid, and how he wanted to leave my mother more and more every day that passed since I was born. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 625

You deserved it 4 134

By snoooore - 31/08/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom - Gloucester

Today, I discovered I have narcolepsy. During a driving test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 584

You deserved it 115

By rosemary - 11/05/2017 18:00

Today, we paid to park in a lot in the city. Hours later, we returned to find our car booted. Apparently the guy that took our money didn't work there. We're stuck three states away from home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 210

You deserved it 389

No sleep for the wicked

By NightzGremlin - 12/09/2020 14:01

Today, I came home from work to find construction workers repaving my street. I work the graveyard shift. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 243

You deserved it 88

By Oh God - 24/05/2018 06:00

Spicy

Today, I met my new boyfriend’s family for the first time. Unfortunately for me, his dad walked in to ask what we wanted for dinner while we were having sex. Even worse was that my boyfriend kept going while his dad was there, and his dad later said he was glad I was “the woman”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 956

You deserved it 1 386

Chuds

By Anonymous - 08/12/2020 13:58

Today, at my retail job, I was trying to get a large amount of cardboard to the trash and had a short path to maneuver through displays and customers. As I'm coming down the aisle, a customer sees me and stops to look at a coffee cup display, directly in my path. FML

I agree, your life sucks 727

You deserved it 78

Frustrated you are

By SlumLord - 27/11/2020 05:02

Spicy

Today, when thinking about an Star Wars meme that said, "Quote Star Wars to describe your sex life", I realized that I had to stop at the title screen: "long ago" and "far, far away." FML

I agree, your life sucks 776

You deserved it 110

Manlet issues

By falling short - 20/03/2015 15:26 - India - Mumbai

Today, my best friend confessed to having feelings for me. I've been in love with her for a long time, so I was ecstatic. She doesn't see herself ever going out with me, though, because she's a couple of inches taller and can't imagine herself "towering" over her man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 806

You deserved it 2 931

By Anonymous - 24/08/2014 20:45 - United States - Everett

Today, I witnessed my karate instructor whimper and practically piss himself as a guy walked up to him in the street and demanded his wallet. What a total waste of hundreds of dollars' worth of lessons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 002

You deserved it 4 520

By ohsugarxo - 31/08/2009 17:21 - United States

Today, I was at my only sister's wedding. She gave a speech about the person who means the most to her. She said, "She is my favorite sister who has always been there for me." Being her only sister, I got up to hug her. Turns out she was talking about her slutty sorority sister. Not me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 246

You deserved it 3 991

By How? - 29/09/2018 10:30 - United States - Glasford

Today, a bird crashed into my face. I didn't think that actually happened to people outside of cartoons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 949

You deserved it 192

By Jessie - 23/02/2009 08:08 - United States

Today, I drove to a party after getting my car back from the shop. A thunderstorm started as I made my way there and upon arriving, the power went out. The guests decided to watch the storm from the front windows when someone mentioned how funny it would be if a tree fell on my car. Seconds later, one did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 217

You deserved it 3 512

By kingpin7 - 30/03/2011 04:43 - United States

Spicy

Today, I decided to go down on my girlfriend. In the midst of her orgasm, she grabbed my head with her legs, performing a submission most UFC fighters could be proud of, and she held on for so long that I was suffocated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 251

You deserved it 10 195

By isuckatparking. seriously. - 16/01/2019 02:00

Today, I was in a hurry to get to my exams. I’m a new driver so my parking was a little crooked but I didn’t have time to fix it. I was expecting to come back to a note on my car. I wasn’t expecting three of my tires to be slashed and the words “I Suck At Parking” to be keyed into my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 776

You deserved it 1 004

By TooNoisy4Me - 04/07/2016 09:46 - United States - Bellerose

Today, like every year, my next-door neighbors started setting off their fireworks at exactly midnight. Also, like every year, the sensitive car alarm belonging to another neighbor has gone off with every firework. It's been almost six hours of nonstop alarms and explosions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 659

You deserved it 1 105

By froggylicious - 16/08/2011 18:18 - Canada

Today, I woke up exhausted because a croaking frog had kept me awake the night before. This has happened every night for the past week, and no matter how far away I take the frog, it always ends up sitting in the same place the next morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 923

You deserved it 5 728

By Anonymous - 29/05/2009 19:38 - United States

Today, I learned how my cat's flea medicine works. Instead of killing the fleas, it just makes the fleas move off of the animal. The good news is my cat no longer has fleas. The bad news is, the fleas moved into my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 279

You deserved it 4 495

By m0m - 04/03/2016 14:01 - Belgium - Brasschaat

Today, I had to explain to my 27 year-old sister why a stainless steel fork isn't a good toy for my 8 month-old baby. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 977

You deserved it 1 654

His house, his rules?

By kikajsns - 29/04/2021 07:59

Today, it’s been a week since my dad has decided I’m only allowed to sleep with my door open. Guess how long it’s been since I’ve slept. FML

I agree, your life sucks 853

You deserved it 81

By ugh - 25/04/2009 23:36 - United States

Today, at the rescue group I volunteer at, we finally adopted out a dog that has been with us for a few years now. This was an amazing thing for us because we never thought he'd get adopted. As we were getting excited and hugging each other, the dog ran away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 983

You deserved it 8 077

By mavrick127 - 29/09/2016 14:21 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I finally had the chance to have sex with my crush. Too bad I couldn't get an erection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 104

You deserved it 1 748

Dating apps suck

By probablydeadbymidnight - 01/07/2012 22:57 - United States

Today, I exchanged pictures with a guy I met online, whose devotion to his family really impressed me. In his picture, he was wearing clown makeup, holding a huge knife to his throat with one hand, and an ICP album in the other. All this with a psychopathic grin on his face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 322

You deserved it 7 782

Whipping boy

By Anonymous - 02/03/2021 02:01 - United States

Today, like every day, my boss was complaining about something or other, but this time it was work that I knew he'd done himself, and he still blamed me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 830

You deserved it 48

By Anonymous - 31/07/2014 17:28 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my cat tried to jump up to the window, and missed. This would have been hilarious if I had not been sleeping under that same window, and then caught him with my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 589

You deserved it 4 775

Overbearing much?!

By lily - 25/06/2020 05:04

Today, while on a road trip, we stopped and went to the bathroom. I didn’t need to go, but my parents told me to "try anyway." I’m 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 227

You deserved it 343

By cheesy grin - 11/06/2018 19:00

Today, my front tooth randomly fell out in the middle of class. I brush regularly and visit the dentist, the tooth was perfectly healthy looking, and it didn’t hurt beforehand or bleed. It literally just fell out for no reason. Now I have a gap grin and I don’t know why. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 934

You deserved it 208

By Anonymous - 02/12/2011 21:54 - United States

Today, my boss announced that instead of holiday bonuses being on the cards, the company is going under and we'll all be out of a job next year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 606

You deserved it 2 261

By Anonymous - 30/03/2017 20:00

Today, I finally told the girl I'm in love with how I've felt ever since we first met six years ago. She let me know that not only does she not feel the same way, she's always considered me a creep and only ever hung out with me because of our mutual friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 505

You deserved it 952

No sleep til Brooklyn

By blahblah - 24/05/2010 04:14 - United States

Today, finally we got our toddler daughter to sleep in her own bed. The wife and I were both excited to finally have our room to ourselves. Just as our daughter was about to fall asleep, the damn cat went into her room and loudly hacked up a huge hairball. Now she's back in mommy's and daddy's bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 245

You deserved it 7 021

By semischweet - 01/09/2019 20:00 - United Kingdom - London

Spicy

Today, I learned why you should never to use Sean Connery's voice when asking your girlfriend to sit on your face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 702

You deserved it 1 831

By judge not, ye cunt - 21/12/2012 23:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was overseeing a nativity play rehearsal. Things went fairly well, until a boy's grandma stormed in, ranting that Christmas is a "Pagan abomination", and shouting for him and his mom to leave with her. Half the kids were left in tears, and we had to cancel the rehearsal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 076

You deserved it 2 991

Amityville

By bumpinthenight - 20/04/2020 08:00

Today, I was painting my new house when my neighbor introduced himself. Mid-conversation, he said, "The lady who lived here was nice, but just couldn't get over her husband hanging himself in the garage. Or her son shooting himself in the basement." I'll never sleep again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 906

You deserved it 315

One law for me, one law for thee

By Anonymous - 12/01/2021 11:01

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend said he wants a poly relationship. He said he wants to sleep with other people, but I can't in case I get feelings for them. Thats not what poly means, dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 074

You deserved it 118

I did a sex

By Anonymous - 17/05/2021 05:02 - United States

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend told me that last night after I got drunk, I passed out mid-pump while we were knocking boots. FML

I agree, your life sucks 363

You deserved it 994

By notabeliever - 29/07/2011 05:11 - United States

Today, my wife threw a piece of tofu cake at my head for suggesting that the money she'd spent on magic "healing" crystals and homeopathic "remedies" would've just as well been spent on a chocolate teapot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 686

You deserved it 7 190

By hrmpf - 19/01/2016 14:37 - Germany - Bremen

Today, I went to the hairdresser for the first time in the country I just moved to. Guess I don't speak the language as well as I thought. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 928

You deserved it 2 936

By Anonymous - 29/09/2009 02:53 - Canada

Today, was my wedding day and I had been preparing my speech for my husband for about 3 months. At the wedding, I poured my heart out to him. Did he do the same? My husband forgot about it and right before the wedding, took his from his first marriage and changed the name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 932

You deserved it 4 159

By wayne - 07/12/2011 10:28 - New Zealand

Today, I overcame my fear of swimming in lakes and went for a swim. I got bitten by an eel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 625

You deserved it 3 535

By Anonymous - 09/05/2011 04:37 - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to give his mother a box of chocolates and flowers for Mother's Day. She just stared at them and said, "What's this for? You're not my daughter, and never will be. But I'll keep the chocolate." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 789

You deserved it 6 291

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Monday 13 April 2015 0:09

what the actual fuck

gintwinsmoore 20

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Monday 13 April 2015 0:10

were u driving that fast or was the turkey moving that slow???

Comments

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Monday 13 April 2015 0:09

what the actual fuck

boredSOLDIER 33

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Monday 13 April 2015 0:37

Wild turkeys can tear shit up on a vehicle.

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Monday 13 April 2015 0:47

haven't you seen South Park? turkeys are dangerous but you can count on an Etheropian named Marvin to get rid of their bodies after the battle so it all works out :)

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Monday 13 April 2015 4:06

OP. if you only now found out how much a windshield costs, you have been very, very lucky.

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Monday 13 April 2015 5:04

Unless he bought the car yesterday.

incoherentrmblr 21

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Monday 13 April 2015 5:48

Which in that case, should be covered under some bumper-to-bumper warranty, unless the car is pre-owned/used...

Eliseopwns 22

Monday 13 April 2015 0:10

Wait, Turkeys can fly??

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Monday 13 April 2015 1:59

Yes

rocker_chick105 31

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Monday 13 April 2015 3:41

Not many people believe they can. Wild turkeys can actually fly fairly far. I've been walking my dogs on my land and spooked a mother turkey from her nest, and she flew up to a tree branch about fifteen feet in the air. Of course we left the nest alone and walked away in case something happened.

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Monday 13 April 2015 5:09

That's why OP said he/she found out that turkeys can fly. Otherwise, OP probably wouldn't have said that.

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Friday 17 April 2015 22:30

I live in a second floor apartment, and have had them on my deck occasionally

limegreenpoopie 31

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Monday 13 April 2015 0:10

What were you smoking?!

StraightUpBaller 14

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Monday 13 April 2015 5:45

Meth. A little ecstasy on the side, too. But man, that turkey fucked him up.

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Monday 13 April 2015 5:57

bathsalts and meth he wasn't ready.

gintwinsmoore 20

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Monday 13 April 2015 0:10

were u driving that fast or was the turkey moving that slow???

slingerslasher 24

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Monday 13 April 2015 16:49

Turkeys apparently look up during rainstorms and drown.

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Tuesday 14 April 2015 6:06

Urban legend

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Monday 13 April 2015 0:10

Free dinner though!

Shmatterhorn 38

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Monday 13 April 2015 6:26

Turkey on glass? I'll pass.

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Monday 13 April 2015 18:10

Won't the food be no good? I I'm correct you can shoot it in the body cause it will ruin the meat/bird.

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Monday 13 April 2015 0:11

I have seen wild turkeys fly

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Monday 13 April 2015 0:11

Cmon man follow up on this

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Monday 13 April 2015 0:12

Cmon man follow up on this

flyingmind_fml 17

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Monday 13 April 2015 0:14

yeaaah i'm the first one to comment !! it'll probably be moderated in a few minutes :p tho i'm happy

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Monday 13 April 2015 0:16

Unless you meant to say eighth person, then you are mistaken.

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Monday 13 April 2015 0:14

I would love to know the full story to this....

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 0

You deserved it 0

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 0

You deserved it 0

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 209

You deserved it 29

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 110

You deserved it 274