Geek: Today, I found out that my parents can see a screen-by-screen... - FML

By Yazzy - United States

Today, I found out that my parents can see a screen-by-screen of everything I say and do on my computer. FML

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Messed up

Double standards

Invasion

By jflac - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I found out the person who's been stalking and harassing me online was actually my now ex-boyfriend. He only confessed as I finally picked up the phone to report it to the police. He basically said he wanted me to turn to him for comfort and protection, so he could "feel like a man". FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my mum came over and helped me sort out my spare room. It was great, we found so many things I'd forgotten I had! Including anal beads. FML

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By BW - United States

Today, I woke up on the coldest morning of the year to discover that the gas fireplace has run out of propane, and there is no water because the pipes are frozen. While trying to locate the frozen pipe, I forgot to let the dog out, and she peed on the carpet. FML

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By eiregal2 - 15/4/2020 23:00 - Ireland - Cork

Butterfingers

Today, I somehow managed to slice open my thumb. The dangerous weapon that caused this to happen? Velcro. FML

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By Maiar - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, my husband confessed that when he's angry with me, he uses my makeup sponge to apply his hemorrhoid cream. FML

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By Bahhumbug - Australia - Perth

Today, I found out I was the top ranking sales person for 2014. What did last year's winner receive? An all-expenses paid weekend holiday. What did I receive? A ham. I'm vegetarian. FML

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By Lifes_overated - Australia

Today, at a bus stop my friend told me that he loved me. I, reacting on impulse, told him how long I've wanted to hear him say that, and kissed him. Then I realised the look on his face. Turns out he'd said 'I need new shoes' not 'I love you.' FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, I found out that my best friend is being sacked. He's also about to rent a new apartment which he won't be able to afford when he loses his job. I can't warn him or I'll breach confidentiality and lose my job as well. FML

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By njh - Ireland

Today, my 3-year-old son said to me, "Fuck a duck, Daddy." I have no idea where he heard this. FML

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By outofluckatcollege - United States - Lewisville

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. It wouldn't be so bad if we weren't stuck rooming together for the rest of a semester that hasn't even started yet. FML

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By mubaki - United States

Today, my little brother texted me informing me that our father has "become a nudist" since returning home from a month-long trip abroad. I thought he was joking or exaggerating, but when I went over to say hi, the first thing I saw upon walking through the door was my dad's droopy ball sac. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I left for college. I spent hundreds of dollars on clothes, bedding and other things. After packing my entire closet and everything else I needed, I left only to have to head back home. My dad forgot to pay the first semesters tuition. He said "Oh well, you would have failed out anyway." FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2020 05:00

Hello, I love you

Today, I had a very good-looking guy ask for my number while I was at work, but due to our policies I had to turn him down. FML

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By labie

Today, my girlfriend angrily broke up with me. The reason? I misgendered her new dog. FML

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By ToiletTony - United States

Today, I was using the bathroom in a department store. When I was finished, I couldn't get the stall door open. I am claustrophobic and I freaked out and and started shouting for help. A 6 year old boy got the door open for me. It turns out I was pushing when I should have been pulling. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at some point, and for some reason I'll probably never fully understand, it seemed like a good idea to get completely shitfaced on tequila and try to shave my ballsack with a straight razor. I'm not sure if these wounds will ever heal. FML

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By Chensticles - France

Today, I went to my hairdresser who promised me a haircut which "all the girls would want you" for. She gave me a combover. FML

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By JackOLantern2099

She dared to say ...

Today, my girlfriend and I saw each other naked for the first time. She said my balls looked like little acorns. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was drinking from a water bottle while in a lecture. The water caught in my throat and it felt like I was choking to death. Instead of asking me if I was okay or trying to help, the guy sitting next to me told me to shut up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got my laptop back after sending it to Dell to repair water damage after a night of partying. Dell returned my computer unrepaired, saying it was unfixable. When I called to ask why they couldn't fix it, they told me it was a biohazard. Someone got drunk and pissed on my laptop. FML

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By Anonymous

Phones, how do they work?!

Today, a voicemail suddenly appeared in my messages. Last week I missed a call from an Unknown, no number was listed. Turns out they wanted to arrange an interview for a job I really wanted, they left a number in the voicemail telling me to call them back that day if I was interested. FML

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By Sunshine.0.ninja - United States

Today, I was looking through my boyfriends phone, when I found a naked picture of myself. Too bad I haven't sent him any. Ever. FML

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By Ethan_18 - United States

Today, as my 12 hour shift was about to finish, a young boy came in wanting to buy a $200 gaming device. His mom said he was purchasing it with his own money, which I found admirable. That is, until he took his piggy bank out of his backpack. FML

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By Trainwreck - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a serious talk. He told me that I was a quick-tempered emotional train wreck. He then said, "You know how we talked about getting married? Now the only way I'd marry you was if hell froze over." He smiled, gave me a kiss, and went to bed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Amsterdam

Today, I ran into my infant daughter's room because I thought I heard her crying, and found she was still sound asleep in her crib. The screams were coming from the mouse our cat was using to paint her bedroom walls. FML

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By PissOffPottermore - United States - Oak Lawn

Today, I was called into my son's school because he had got into a fist-fight with another pupil and I had to take him home. He clammed up about the reason behind the fight, until I finally managed to coax it out of him: the other kid is in "Hufflepuff" and he's in "Ravenclaw." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tobyhanna

Today, I had to explain to my father that when my friends sleep over, it's not acceptable to sneak into my room in the middle of the night and dig through their stuff. FML

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By Just a joke - 2/11/2020 05:01 - Netherlands - Utrecht

No jokes allowed

Today, my boyfriend called my mother stupid and angrily argued with her at a family dinner. Why? We have a long-running family joke that "vegan food doesn't contain calories", and my boyfriend thought my mum said it seriously and was therefore a moron. FML

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By fired - United States

Today, my boss was being a total asshole. While in the bathroom, he turned his back on me, so I gave him the finger, mouthed obscenities, and pantomimed stabbing him with a knife. He was looking in the mirror and saw everything. FML

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By buttcrack - United States

Today, I got fired. To make things worse, I had to sit in three-hour bumper to bumper traffic, waiting for a wreck to clear on my way home. In front of me was a fat man with a hairy butt crack on a motorcycle. I was forced to stare at a fat, underwear-less man's ass for 3 hours. FML

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By poorman - United States - Derwood

Today, I realized that my 5 year old son has more money saved up in his piggy bank than I have in my actual bank account. FML

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By aaah. - Canada - Caronport

Today, I had to take Viagra. FML

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By 2young4birds&bees

Today, while changing my tampon in a public restroom, a toddler crawled under the door of my stall and asked what I was doing. I had to wait until I'd finished to open the door and let her out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Hyde Park

Today, a teenage kid holding a cell phone ran up to me and kicked me as hard as he could in the groin. After I fell to the ground in pain, I realized he was liveblogging the event and asking people to subscribe to his YouTube channel. FML

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By healey16 - Canada

Today, I left the iron and ironing board in my room. While I was at school, my mom decided to do some ironing, and did it in my room for convenience. The iron needed water, so she took a water bottle from my dresser and poured it in. It was my secret vodka stash, and the iron caught on fire. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hyde Park

Today, I woke up to the sound of my psycho ex trying to break down my apartment door. FML

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By Jesica Mcgee - 29/10/2020 18:02 - United States - Ferndale

Narcissist

Today, I got a job, a good job with benefits, 401 k, took a lot of work to get this: background check, drug testing, being qualified and I need to pay bills. I can't even be happy because my husband got demoted. It's all about him, and fuck my hard work. FML

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By Anais Strongrump III Jr. - United States - Garland

Today, my parents decided to get with the times. So far, they've made me get Snapchat and Instagram accounts, and made me add them on Facebook. They keep acting like annoying teenagers, and get mad at me when I don't play along. For the love of god, somebody save me. FML

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By thammer - United States - Green Bay

Today, I joined a dating site. The first guy it recommended is the stalker I met on the last dating site I used. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got fired from the job I'd had for eleven years for going onto Facebook while on the clock. When I got home, I saw that my boss had updated his status, from work, to "Finally fired that bitch." FML

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Top comments

By Dilpickle1 | 0

#1881 - Friday 13 February 2009 16:24

No More Porn For You!!!!

By duddenchu | 0

#1877 - Friday 13 February 2009 16:16

oh wow! talking of privacy!

COMMENTS

By duddenchu | 0

#1877 - Friday 13 February 2009 16:16

oh wow! talking of privacy!

Reply

PimpdaddyCJT | 13

#1014520 - Tuesday 1 June 2010 4:01

that's some bullshit my mom would do

Reply

victoria4161993 | 0

#1019294 - Friday 4 June 2010 21:05

hahahaha I would use phone Internet or get an iPod touch that realy sucks

Reply

Little_Devil_fml | 0

#1133394 - Saturday 24 July 2010 13:33

same here :/ #88 nice pic ;) x

Reply

turtles1321 | 0

#1136856 - Sunday 25 July 2010 7:40

my mom does that no more porn =(

Reply

My2864 | 1

#1217994 - Tuesday 10 August 2010 16:31

my mom did that to me when i was 12
thank fuck for knowing how to deal with computers cuz i turned it off a week later when i found out..

Reply

starcraft2FTW | 0

#1710986 - Tuesday 16 November 2010 17:59

here's what to do :
1)open mircosoftword
2) type in 300%font eff off bitches
3) wait
you're welcome :D

Reply

wintamint101 | 7

#3443269 - Monday 17 October 2011 3:33

#suckstosuck

Reply

raesos91 | 26

#5365261 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 19:22

hi op's mom! *waves*

By Dilpickle1 | 0

#1881 - Friday 13 February 2009 16:24

No More Porn For You!!!!

Reply

mitchiv13 | 0

#975390 - Wednesday 7 April 2010 1:44

yea that sucks no more porn for u!

Reply

ryguy997 | 0

#979256 - Tuesday 13 April 2010 4:00

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

00yoda4 | 0

#986425 - Thursday 29 April 2010 4:27

/ / amen to that

Reply

maximum408 | 0

#2144115 - Thursday 3 March 2011 6:28

haha agreed 86. well said.

Reply

metfanatic1986 | 0

#2819933 - Monday 4 July 2011 19:11

what about on an iPod touch??? works for me. ;)

Reply

max_wilder | 9

#3363293 - Thursday 29 September 2011 4:57

Who has never actually watched porn... Exactly, everybody watches porn

Reply

cocainewhore | 30

#5811542 - Tuesday 31 December 2013 16:01

#86 so people can have sex but not watch it? I guess we all have to do t with the lights off then. But OP watch lots of hardcore porn then your parents will regret watching your computer. Or be disgusted, probably both.

By mleugim | 0

#1890 - Friday 13 February 2009 17:09

reinstall everything in it XD

By TechnoAllah | 0

#1891 - Friday 13 February 2009 17:14

Download ubuntu and run it off the cd whenever you look at porn. Problem solved.

By meemz | 0

#1924 - Friday 13 February 2009 18:53

could be worse.... they could have walked in on u watching it....

By TC_fml | 0

#1943 - Friday 13 February 2009 21:03

Time to reformat the machine and put encryption in place! Check your USB and PS/2 ports for keylogger. In any case, if you reinstall the OS it will likely obliterate any such software.

By NotoriousMandog | 0

#1966 - Friday 13 February 2009 23:08

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Late_night83 | 25

#3274556 - Monday 12 September 2011 0:16

Retarded. Yeah. Just retarded.

By GhettoWangstuh | 0

#1979 - Friday 13 February 2009 23:28

LOL #9 thats so true =P

By AnathemaAnimus | 0

#2026 - Saturday 14 February 2009 3:12

You should get a Linux live cd (better if you run it from a large usb flashdrive so you can save files and any changes you make to the system) so you can browse the net and chat with people with out being spied on.

By midnyte | 0

#2071 - Saturday 14 February 2009 6:58

PWNED.