Today, I found out that my parents can see a screen-by-screen... - FML

By Yazzy - 13/2/2009 09:57 - United States

Today, I found out that my parents can see a screen-by-screen of everything I say and do on my computer. FML

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Instadrama

Relationships sink

This is us

By Anonymous - 3/2/2012 07:58 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to explain to my 18-year-old daughter why she can't pull a duck face pose for her driver's license. She still doesn't believe me. FML

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By rutho - 27/3/2009 04:39 - United States

Today, I decided to cheat on my math test by writing a couple of equations on my hand. Totally satisfied, I handed my test in feeling like I had aced it. As I was heading toward the door, I happily waved goodbye to my teacher. She saw everything. FML

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By happy birthday to me - 5/12/2013 05:14 - United States

Today, I had to explain to half of my class that yes, my birthday is on the same day as Hitler's, but no, it does not make me a Nazi. FML

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By heartbroken - 14/7/2012 01:41 - Canada - Brantford

Today, I came home in tears after my boyfriend admitted to cheating on me. My dad told me to sit down and tell him everything. He's pretty eccentric, so I wasn't fazed when he put on a pair of sunglasses. When I stopped talking, I noticed his mouth was slightly agape and he was snoring. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2014 00:56 - United Kingdom

Today, I asked out the girl of my dreams. She was so excited that she had a severe asthma attack and ended up in hospital. Her answer was yes, but her parents won't let me anywhere near her now. They say I'm lucky they haven't sued me for "trying to kill her". FML

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By thelistman - 13/11/2009 19:04 - United States

Today, my girlfriend made me shave my chest. Afterwards, she said I looked like I was 12. She won't have sex with me until it grows back. FML

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By Nudge23 - 26/9/2011 07:26 - Australia

Today, I cleared out the messages in my voicemail. Of the 50+ messages, most were from my mother wanting to know when I'd be home. I'm 27. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2010 23:18 - Canada

Today, my friends took me to a strip club for my 25th birthday. I went onstage with 5 dollars in my mouth to tip the dancer. She then took off my belt and pants and spanked me 25 times with the buckle end of the belt. I paid a stripper 5 dollars to whoop my ass. FML

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By lemonadedisguise - 18/7/2009 17:14 - United States

Today, I was out to dinner with a friend. When the bill came with a customer satisfaction survey, I put honestly that the "server friendliness" was "below average." Ten minutes later, I had to return to the restaurant to beg the waitress for my keys, which I had left on the table. FML

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By JTinNJ - 27/8/2016 11:57 - United States - Parsippany

Today, I woke up and poured myself a large glass of orange juice from a carton and took a big gulp only to realize it was liquid eggs. FML

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By thenewgirlfriend - 26/5/2013 14:15 - United States - League City

Today, I cut my bangs. When I asked my boyfriend if he liked it he said, "It's like I'm dating a new girl, this way I won't get bored with you." FML

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By anonymous - 30/6/2012 06:26 - United States - Denver

Today, I was going through a hard and painful break up after a long relationship. Trying to get over it, I invited my two best friends over to lift my spirits. The night ended with them making out on my bed as I sat alone in the other room. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2015 05:10 - United States

Today, my husband missed the toilet again. I would have been less disgusted if he'd peed this time. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2019 22:02

Right Said Fred

Today, I jokingly told my boyfriend that he should sing the "I'm too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts…" song before we had sex. Now, every time we have sex, that song is going to be in my head. FML

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By MissCan'tKeepAJob - 23/8/2011 16:18 - United States

Today, I work by myself at a retail store and I was bored so I called my boyfriend. I woke him up and he was feeling frisky, and as things were getting heated I started to moan and say dirty things. Until the entire rack of clothes fell over and revealed my boss hiding. He had a boner. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2011 04:17

Today, I threw myself a surprise party. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2013 01:28 - United States - Marietta

Today, I got screamed at by a woman at work for feeding her 3-week-old infant formula instead of the bottled Kool-Aid that she packed. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/5/2020 23:00

Fear factor

Today, at about 3:30 a.m. I awoke to the feeling of something dropping on my head. Startled, I turned on the light. It was a gigantic cockroach. I thought I'd killed it, but when I went to collect the body it was gone. I'm too scared to sleep. Even my dog now refuses to be in the bedroom. FML

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By why me?? - 7/8/2013 04:21 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I was leaving my friends' apartment in my mom's car and I backed into a fire hydrant. I lied and told my mom it was a hit and run. So she called the apartment complex. They had me on video hitting the fire hydrant. FML

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By Cail - 1/6/2009 23:12 - United States

Today, I had to give a presentation about Adolf Hitler. I wanted to point out he was a very good speaker, and could incite a crowd. Instead, what came out was 'Hitler's oral skills made everyone go wild with excitement" FML

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By Howdoiwatchpoliticsnow - 29/5/2016 20:06 - United States - Newton

Today, I tried to get my son off of the couch by turning off the wifi. Afterward, I went to watch tv. Turns out he got me back by turning off the cable. FML

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By birdsterrifyme - 23/3/2015 04:42 - United States - Sikeston

Today, I decided to confront my fear of birds when my friend's pet bird was walking up to me. He got on my arm, climbed up and attacked my face. FML

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By missyoudad. - 31/8/2010 07:54 - Australia

Today, I Googled my father, who I haven't seen in 3 years. The first website link was his obituary. When I confronted my mom about it, she said, "Oh, didn't I tell you?" and walked off. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2015 16:29 - United States - Woodland

Today, my house was robbed while I was at work. The robber left a note telling me my stuff was crappy and that they found my safe under the bed. FML

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By GoldenShower - 25/6/2009 10:17 - United States

Today, I was awoken by my son squirting liquid on me from a bottle. We have a high deer population in our area, so I spray urine contained in black bottle on my plants to help deter the deer from eating them. I also water my flowers with water from a blue bottle. My son used the black one. FML

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By wheezy - 3/12/2013 17:28 - United States - Bay Springs

Today, while giving speech in class, I choked on my own spit and had a coughing fit while everyone stared at me intently. When I finally regained my composure, my teacher told me my time was up and to sit down. I hadn't even got finished the first paragraph. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2012 21:41 - Canada - Orillia

Today, I got home to find our house broken into. Among other things, the thieves took our television, my laptop and several pieces of expensive jewelry. Also missing was my daughter's My Little Pony collection. I think we were robbed by a Brony. FML

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By NYMTS - 1/7/2011 23:22 - Australia

Today, I had to make a deal with my 22 year old fiancé. What was the deal? If he put deodorant on, he could squeeze my boob for as long as he liked. FML

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By WTF is all I ask - 27/7/2012 23:55 - United States - Mcallen

Today, I was at the mall, when I saw an elderly lady drop her groceries, so I rushed over to help her pick them up. She took one look at me, called me a "Liberal bastard," and shouted for me to get away from her before she called the cops. FML

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By no i'm sure you're a responsible parent - 9/4/2020 02:00 - United States

Parent #1 of the Year

Today, I got bitched out by some lady in a Walmart because I looked at her funny while she was on the phone, loudly bragging about "slapping the shit out of" her kids. FML

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By BadKitty42 - 14/12/2009 08:12 - United States

Today, it was my last day at work. I was offered a better job and accepted. Not wanting to leave my present boss hanging, I asked for time to give notice. While I trained my replacement, the owner at the new job had time to think about how slow the season is, and he decided not to fill the position. FML

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By Alwayshappens2me - 17/7/2009 23:09 - United States

Today, I learned that even when you put a sock on the door because you are having sex with your boyfriend, doesn't mean your mom won't walk in your brand new apartment for a "surprise visit." FML

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By OhNo - 13/7/2010 15:02 - United Kingdom

Today, I got my sister to pluck my eyebrows. She shaped them wrong, so now I look constantly sad. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2010 23:41 - United States

Today, I was supposed to be going on my first date with a guy I really liked. He never showed up. I just found out my dad was outside washing the car when my date showed up. He told him he didn't have a daughter and to never show up on his driveway again. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2014 12:10 - Australia - Campbelltown

Today, my 4-year-old daughter figured out how to set a parental code lock on our television so we can't watch football because it scares her when we scream. She won't tell us no matter what we bribe her with. FML

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By touche :/ - 7/7/2013 21:27 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I went to a big job interview. Eventually, the guy subtly enquired about my political beliefs. He seemed pretty laid-back and cool, so I told him, at which point he just chuckled and told me to leave. When I threatened to report him, he just said, "Who're they gonna believe, you or me?" FML

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By Is_This_Real - 30/3/2016 20:46 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, the only constant person in my life is the guy that smokes outside my apartment building. FML

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By ChaosFerret - 3/5/2016 20:53 - United States - Eugene

Today, I spent six hours making chicken and black bean chili for a big family gathering. I go to use the restroom. I come back to the pot on the floor with my cat standing in the chili, eating it. FML

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By Doc - 18/8/2018 13:30 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I'm facing malpractice charges for neglecting a patient and failing to treat an infection. The patient had severe maggot-infested gangrene in his foot with exposed metatarsals, but refused amputation and all treatment. The judge is moving forward with the charges. FML

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By theunborn - 19/6/2012 16:42 - France - Vic-fezensac

Today, my parents made a list of all the things they could have done had I not been born. FML

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Top comments

By Dilpickle1 | 0

#1881 - Friday 13 February 2009 16:24

No More Porn For You!!!!

By duddenchu | 0

#1877 - Friday 13 February 2009 16:16

oh wow! talking of privacy!

Comments

By duddenchu | 0

#1877 - Friday 13 February 2009 16:16

oh wow! talking of privacy!

Reply

PimpdaddyCJT | 13

#1014520 - Tuesday 1 June 2010 4:01

that's some bullshit my mom would do

Reply

victoria4161993 | 0

#1019294 - Friday 4 June 2010 21:05

hahahaha I would use phone Internet or get an iPod touch that realy sucks

Reply

Little_Devil_fml | 0

#1133394 - Saturday 24 July 2010 13:33

same here :/ #88 nice pic ;) x

Reply

turtles1321 | 0

#1136856 - Sunday 25 July 2010 7:40

my mom does that no more porn =(

Reply

My2864 | 1

#1217994 - Tuesday 10 August 2010 16:31

my mom did that to me when i was 12
thank fuck for knowing how to deal with computers cuz i turned it off a week later when i found out..

Reply

starcraft2FTW | 0

#1710986 - Tuesday 16 November 2010 17:59

here's what to do :
1)open mircosoftword
2) type in 300%font eff off bitches
3) wait
you're welcome :D

Reply

wintamint101 | 7

#3443269 - Monday 17 October 2011 3:33

#suckstosuck

Reply

raesos91 | 26

#5365261 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 19:22

hi op's mom! *waves*

By Dilpickle1 | 0

#1881 - Friday 13 February 2009 16:24

No More Porn For You!!!!

Reply

mitchiv13 | 0

#975390 - Wednesday 7 April 2010 1:44

yea that sucks no more porn for u!

Reply

ryguy997 | 0

#979256 - Tuesday 13 April 2010 4:00

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

00yoda4 | 0

#986425 - Thursday 29 April 2010 4:27

/ / amen to that

Reply

maximum408 | 0

#2144115 - Thursday 3 March 2011 6:28

haha agreed 86. well said.

Reply

metfanatic1986 | 0

#2819933 - Monday 4 July 2011 19:11

what about on an iPod touch??? works for me. ;)

Reply

max_wilder | 9

#3363293 - Thursday 29 September 2011 4:57

Who has never actually watched porn... Exactly, everybody watches porn

Reply

cocainewhore | 30

#5811542 - Tuesday 31 December 2014 16:01

#86 so people can have sex but not watch it? I guess we all have to do t with the lights off then. But OP watch lots of hardcore porn then your parents will regret watching your computer. Or be disgusted, probably both.

By mleugim | 0

#1890 - Friday 13 February 2009 17:09

reinstall everything in it XD

By TechnoAllah | 0

#1891 - Friday 13 February 2009 17:14

Download ubuntu and run it off the cd whenever you look at porn. Problem solved.

By meemz | 0

#1924 - Friday 13 February 2009 18:53

could be worse.... they could have walked in on u watching it....

By TC_fml | 0

#1943 - Friday 13 February 2009 21:03

Time to reformat the machine and put encryption in place! Check your USB and PS/2 ports for keylogger. In any case, if you reinstall the OS it will likely obliterate any such software.

By NotoriousMandog | 0

#1966 - Friday 13 February 2009 23:08

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Late_night83 | 25

#3274556 - Monday 12 September 2011 0:16

Retarded. Yeah. Just retarded.

By GhettoWangstuh | 0

#1979 - Friday 13 February 2009 23:28

LOL #9 thats so true =P

By AnathemaAnimus | 0

#2026 - Saturday 14 February 2009 3:12

You should get a Linux live cd (better if you run it from a large usb flashdrive so you can save files and any changes you make to the system) so you can browse the net and chat with people with out being spied on.

By midnyte | 0

#2071 - Saturday 14 February 2009 6:58

PWNED.