Geek: Today, I found out that my parents can see a screen-by-screen... - FML

By Yazzy - United States

Today, I found out that my parents can see a screen-by-screen of everything I say and do on my computer. FML

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Triage

Mind control

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By UniverseHatesMe - United States - Cuyahoga Falls

Today, my neighbor kindly set off a bed bug fogger rather than getting an exterminator, which we'd even offered to help him pay for. We have baseboard heating in our condo building. Guess where the parasites crawled to now. FML

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By morgie96 - United States - Pompano Beach

Today, on Facebook, all these parents posted photos of their child's last first day of high school, saying they were so proud as they left for senior year. It was my first day of senior year today, but my parents just gave me a high-five for not doing drugs. FML

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By heartfelt - Sweden - Uppsala

How you remind me

Today, I was rejected by a company I applied to. When I was writing my application, I spent so much time on their website researching that the ads on my browser are almost all for their products. It's like getting rejected again with every click. FML

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By Anonymous

Tonight, on Asshole Bosses…

Today, my boss gave me attitude for not going to back to work this Friday. I'm a massage therapist and where I live, it's currently illegal to practice during the pandemic. FML

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By koolkat9 - United States - Albion

Today, my boyfriend told me that my mom paid him to date me. FML

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By Caeru - United States

Dumbass idea

Today, my mother tried to tell me that nicotine is the only substance that ensures weight loss, and that nicotine has been passed down in our family for over 5 generations of heavy smoking relatives. Then she encouraged me to start smoking. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was getting intimate with my boyfriend, when my upstairs neighbor decided to take the longest piss known to man. He moaned the entire time. FML

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By buttpicker - United States

Pull!

Today, I was walking my dog and he stopped to take a crap. While he was doing his business, I saw something white coming out of his butt that just wouldn't budge. He started whimpering and I stepped in to help him. I pulled out an entire plastic bag. FML

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By makeover-needed - United States

Today, I learned how my coworkers differentiate between my coworker and me as we have the same name, when I overheard one of them ask the other, "Which one, ugly Leslie or hot Leslie?" When the answer was "ugly Leslie," he walked straight to me. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Hillsboro

Today, a lady stormed into the pharmacy I work at and chewed me out because the medicine I sold her the day before gave her horrible diarrhea as a "side effect". I checked, and it was the medicine she asked for - laxatives. FML

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By Gale - United States

Today, I threw a rock in the air and watched it soar. And watched it come back down and hit me in the face. Gravity. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I told my girlfriend she was beautiful. She replied, "Lit." FML

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By SoftwareDev - South Africa - Johannesburg

Should've stayed home, basically

Today, after getting booked off work for being sick, I go to work anyway. On the way home, I stop by a colleagues fairwell, being the paranoid type of guy I make sure my car is locked about 3-4 times and head in. Later I get home to find my laptop has been stolen from my boot with my medication. FML

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By ewwww - United States

Today, my family was talking about how people's hair goes gray when they get old. My grandma mentioned that she was initially attracted to my grandpa because of his red hair and was sad when it turned gray. "It's ok," she continued, "his pubic hair is still red." FML

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By RoxahTheGreat - United States

Today, I was unloading things into a hotel. As I went to get a bag out in the hallway, the room door closed and I had no key. When I knocked and asked my family to let me back in, no one answered. The doors are clearly not soundproof. I could hear them debating whether or not to let me back in. FML

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By nrelavender - United States

Today, is the anniversary of my cat's death, so I went to visit her grave in the pet cemetery. Someone had spray-painted "Your cat sucks" on her grave. FML

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By Black Cat 13 - United States

Today, at work, a little girl was misbehaving. Her dad told her that she would look like me when she grows up. The little girl look horrified while Daddy laughed and kept reassuring her he was "just kidding." FML

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By Sassers - United States

Today, I heard a loud crashing noise. I ran into the kitchen to see what it was. My cat had knocked over my fish bowl and had my Beta in her mouth. After scolding her and rescuing it, I decided to clean its bowl. When I went to dump some of the water in the sink, my fish went down the drain. FML

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By anon - 30/6/2020 08:02

Parenting

Today, my mom volunteered me to watch her cousin’s 7-year-old daughter overnight. She’s a nice kid, but sadly the mom has babied her so much that she literally can’t do a thing for herself. She needed help wiping, bathing and even brushing her teeth. Her mom does it all and never taught her differently. FML

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By radioactiveglowinthedarkthing - United Kingdom

Today, I took my friend with me for a radiology scan. While I was getting injections, my friend muttered, "On the bright side, if you die, you'll glow in the dark at the funeral." FML

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By humanalarmclock - United States

Today, I realized my boyfriend only asks me to come spend the night when he needs me to wake him up in the morning. FML

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By stupid - United States

Today, I lost my cell phone. Since I sleep on the couch, I started looking through the cushions. I didn't find my phone, but after 6 months of uncomfortably sleeping on the couch, I find out I'm sleeping on top of a pull out bed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was working at my job as a cashier, checking out an elderly woman's groceries. She was very nice, and we chatted for a couple minutes. Once she had paid, she leaned close to me and said, very politely, "I'm so so sorry that I mistook you for a girl at first, young man." I AM a girl. FML

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By galladore - United States - Bensenville

Today, my oldest friend got engaged to her loving boyfriend of one year. Meanwhile, I can't even get my boyfriend of more than four years to commit to a decision of what he wants for dinner. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, while at dinner with my current boyfriend, my ex walked in with his new girlfriend. The waiter put them at the table next to ours, and the two of them had a front row seat to me spilling an entire guacamole salad on my lap out of nervousness. FML

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By Anonymous

They Do.

Today, my boyfriend told me he would be really disappointed if we had kids before we got married, because it would ruin our plans to go to Disney World for our honeymoon. Apparently, kids ruin vacations. FML

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By Ilikeurfmls - 6/9/2020 05:05

Delusions

Today, I finally got the courage to tell my parents I think I'm suffering from schizophrenia. They refused to discuss it after telling me, "It's all in my head." FML

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By Fatty - United States

Today, my six year old daughter cut out the stomach area of four of my favorite shirts. When I asked her why she had done so she replied, "So that they fit your tummy better, Mommy." FML

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By dumbbb - United States

Today, I tried to open the door with my mouth because my hands were full. I chipped a tooth. FML

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By pissed off - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, my dad finished installing our new home security system. One of the features lets him control any light in the house from his phone. He keeps trying to piss me off by turning my bedroom light on at random intervals. I don't know how to make it stop, and I can't sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, in my rush to do my hair and get to work, I managed to trip over my dog, hit my eye on the counter, and sprain my ankle. I arrived at work with a black eye and a painful limp. My boss didn't care, and fired me for showing up late. FML

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By FuckingDone - United States - Enterprise

Today, my brother's refused to shower after 2 weeks of dripping sweat and never changing clothes. He claims the smell is just his "manly musk" and if I can't handle it, then maybe I'm the problem. FML

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By Oihana - United States - Greensboro

Today, at work, I saw a lady leave her infant in a display crib so she could go shopping. When I stopped her and told her she couldn't do that, she said, "Well, I do it all the time". FML

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By Gus - Canada - Richmond

Today, my girlfriend confronted me for forgetting to take the trash out. At some point during the argument, I tried to calm her down, and the words "I should of" escaped my lips. She spent the next ten minutes calling me stupid and laughing at how my grammar goes to hell when I'm distressed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Riverside

Today, my boyfriend of 2 years decided to tell an unimaginably rude joke to my grandma while at my house. She hit him over the head with a vase, and he's threatening to press charges. I still don't know whose side to take. FML

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By Laceylace - United States

Today, I wrote my boyfriend a sexy letter designed to arouse him. I described what I wanted us to do to each other in the most erotic way. Later, he came up to me and hugged me, saying it was the funniest thing he ever read and he's glad he's in love with a girl with such a great sense of humor. FML

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By SpooningLeadstoForking

Fork that

Today, during my second day on the job, I ate pasta with a pen in the backroom. My old job provided plasticware, and it never occurred to me to pack a fork. FML

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By Rakib - Canada - Mississauga

Today, I put aside my weekend plans to help my aunt with the extermination guy spraying her new house down to prevent cockroaches. After he left, my aunt asked me to go in and turn off the lights because the fumes were very deadly. If I chose not to, she would tell my mom I did nothing all day. FML

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By Twilightsux - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend had replaced our picture in her locket for a picture of Taylor Lautner shirtless. FML

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By drkate25 - United States - Enfield

Today, I ate brunch at my in-laws. The food all tasted off to me so I didn't eat much, telling my mother-in-law I was watching my weight. Later on, while out doing a bit of shopping, I stopped at a red light. Guess who pulled up next to me while I was scarfing a fast food burger. FML

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Top comments

By Dilpickle1 | 0

#1881 - Friday 13 February 2009 16:24

No More Porn For You!!!!

By duddenchu | 0

#1877 - Friday 13 February 2009 16:16

oh wow! talking of privacy!

COMMENTS

By duddenchu | 0

#1877 - Friday 13 February 2009 16:16

oh wow! talking of privacy!

Reply

PimpdaddyCJT | 13

#1014520 - Tuesday 1 June 2010 4:01

that's some bullshit my mom would do

Reply

victoria4161993 | 0

#1019294 - Friday 4 June 2010 21:05

hahahaha I would use phone Internet or get an iPod touch that realy sucks

Reply

Little_Devil_fml | 0

#1133394 - Saturday 24 July 2010 13:33

same here :/ #88 nice pic ;) x

Reply

turtles1321 | 0

#1136856 - Sunday 25 July 2010 7:40

my mom does that no more porn =(

Reply

My2864 | 1

#1217994 - Tuesday 10 August 2010 16:31

my mom did that to me when i was 12
thank fuck for knowing how to deal with computers cuz i turned it off a week later when i found out..

Reply

starcraft2FTW | 0

#1710986 - Tuesday 16 November 2010 17:59

here's what to do :
1)open mircosoftword
2) type in 300%font eff off bitches
3) wait
you're welcome :D

Reply

wintamint101 | 7

#3443269 - Monday 17 October 2011 3:33

#suckstosuck

Reply

raesos91 | 26

#5365261 - Tuesday 12 February 2013 19:22

hi op's mom! *waves*

By Dilpickle1 | 0

#1881 - Friday 13 February 2009 16:24

No More Porn For You!!!!

Reply

mitchiv13 | 0

#975390 - Wednesday 7 April 2010 1:44

yea that sucks no more porn for u!

Reply

ryguy997 | 0

#979256 - Tuesday 13 April 2010 4:00

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

00yoda4 | 0

#986425 - Thursday 29 April 2010 4:27

/ / amen to that

Reply

maximum408 | 0

#2144115 - Thursday 3 March 2011 6:28

haha agreed 86. well said.

Reply

metfanatic1986 | 0

#2819933 - Monday 4 July 2011 19:11

what about on an iPod touch??? works for me. ;)

Reply

max_wilder | 9

#3363293 - Thursday 29 September 2011 4:57

Who has never actually watched porn... Exactly, everybody watches porn

Reply

cocainewhore | 30

#5811542 - Tuesday 31 December 2013 16:01

#86 so people can have sex but not watch it? I guess we all have to do t with the lights off then. But OP watch lots of hardcore porn then your parents will regret watching your computer. Or be disgusted, probably both.

By mleugim | 0

#1890 - Friday 13 February 2009 17:09

reinstall everything in it XD

By TechnoAllah | 0

#1891 - Friday 13 February 2009 17:14

Download ubuntu and run it off the cd whenever you look at porn. Problem solved.

By meemz | 0

#1924 - Friday 13 February 2009 18:53

could be worse.... they could have walked in on u watching it....

By TC_fml | 0

#1943 - Friday 13 February 2009 21:03

Time to reformat the machine and put encryption in place! Check your USB and PS/2 ports for keylogger. In any case, if you reinstall the OS it will likely obliterate any such software.

By NotoriousMandog | 0

#1966 - Friday 13 February 2009 23:08

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

Late_night83 | 25

#3274556 - Monday 12 September 2011 0:16

Retarded. Yeah. Just retarded.

By GhettoWangstuh | 0

#1979 - Friday 13 February 2009 23:28

LOL #9 thats so true =P

By AnathemaAnimus | 0

#2026 - Saturday 14 February 2009 3:12

You should get a Linux live cd (better if you run it from a large usb flashdrive so you can save files and any changes you make to the system) so you can browse the net and chat with people with out being spied on.

By midnyte | 0

#2071 - Saturday 14 February 2009 6:58

PWNED.