Today, I found out that my mother cheated on my father. It turns... - FML

By Anonymous - 12/11/2009 06:27 - United States

Today, I found out that my mother cheated on my father. It turns out she had a drunken one night stand with the manager of the restaurant that my parents own and that I work at. The same manager I have been secretly sleeping with for over six months. FML

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Serious times

Ambien conversations are the worst

Boom, headshot

By Tourist - 26/3/2009 07:19 - United States

Today, while at the Golden Gate Bridge, I spotted a large group of Asians trying to take a picture. Trying to help, I slowly say, "You... want me... take picture?" while using hand motions. The man looks at me and says, "No thanks asshole, I got it," in plain English. FML

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By creys - 18/11/2012 07:04 - United States

Today, I went to Target with my dad, and he told me to get in the shopping cart. I thought he was being cool and wanted to push me around. He snorted and said he was thinking about crashing me into a car and suing the driver. FML

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By ArmyMan - 24/6/2009 16:37 - United Arab Emirates

Today, I enlisted for The Navy because my Boy Scout leader encouraged me. He fought in Korea and is a real inspiration. I asked him what motivated him to join The Navy. He said he was drunk and didn't remember joining until he was called up. FML

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By stupidpolicia - 25/9/2009 08:33 - Brazil

Today, the gas station right in front of my apartment had people listening to loud music all night. I have this 3 hour test at 7:30am and didn't get any sleep. Worst of all, here in Brazil, calling the police won't help a thing. Instead of actually helping, they'll stop and join the party. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2019 18:00

Today, I now have been dumped by 4 serious girlfriends in the last 5 years, each of them for the same reason: Being with me would have meant dealing with my mother who, without fail, asked each of them when we planned on marrying and having kids, every single week. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2009 14:04 - United States

Today, I finally had the opportunity to have sex with my girlfriend. This would be the first time for both of us, so I tried to make it really special. I had everything planned out to be very romantic. She loved how it was set up. After all this, I couldn't get it up at all, all night. FML

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By dr.mantistobagon - 27/8/2014 22:03 - United States - South Burlington

Today, it's been a few months since my grandfather passed away. Now all of his porn subscriptions are getting forwarded to my address. FML

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By TheDumper - 21/6/2012 10:02 - United States - Chandler

Today, and for the last week, I've resorted to driving myself to the nearest corner store to take my daily dump. I'm doing this because I recently moved in with my boyfriend, and I'm afraid he'll be disgusted at how often I clog the toilet. FML

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By crystalpistol - 16/8/2010 02:15 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, right after I turned down an amazing job opportunity in another location, just so I could be with him. FML

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By kill me - 20/6/2017 04:00

Today, while serving at my restaurant, a mother acted as a wing-woman for her son by insisting I read a note he'd written, asking for my number. I had to awkwardly reject the guy in front of his entire family, before having to keep serving them for another hour. FML

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By KPKallery - 5/6/2009 05:25 - United States

Today, I was babysitting. I was sitting on the sofa when I felt that I need to ajust my sitting arangment. After moving, I felt a small toy snap under me. The little boy said it was fine. One hour later he snuck up on me and beat me with an umbrella for breaking his toy. FML

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By annoyed - 20/2/2013 20:33 - United States - Paradise Valley

Today, I was so exhausted that I slept through my phone ringing, and later my doorbell ringing. My psycho mom freaked out, and thinking I was in trouble, broke a window to get inside. This all happened before 7am. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2016 00:56 - United States - Oceanside

Today, my husband's ex-girlfriend is getting a restraining order on him. Turns out, for the past 2 years of our marriage, he has been trying to contact her and ditching work to stalk her. To top it all off, he told me not to come to court with him because he doesn't want her to see he downgraded. FML

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By hk - 20/9/2016 15:29 - Malaysia - Kuala Lumpur

Today, I was introduced to the girl my current boyfriend went out with while dating me. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/7/2013 00:07 - United States - Grand Rapids

Today, my father shot my fiancé. He's fine, but the wedding is off. FML

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By yayibs - 4/12/2015 03:21 - United States - Williamstown

Today, while working at my desk alone and with my headphones in, I suddenly let loose a loud stream of gas. As I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, I saw, in the reflection of my laptop, that my roommate had been sitting silently on the couch right behind me. FML

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By esv - 1/4/2009 09:18 - United States

Today, I went to the laundromat for the first time. I fit all of my clothes into two washers. Not knowing where to put the soap in, I asked a man doing his laundry, "Excuse me, where do I put the soap in?". He replied, "Ma'am, those are the dryers." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2017 20:00

Today, I was told to put away the new toilet paper rolls. I reached in the package only for my hand to get wet, and then noticed the yellow liquid at the bottom. My cat used it as a litter box. At least, I hope it was my cat. FML

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By Rants - 1/5/2019 16:00

Today, we've had some auditors with us and I chat with some of them during the day. It's Friday so I asked one of them until what time they were working. It was late and I loudly exclaimed, "That's so late! Your bosses have no hearts!" The auditor then points to their table where the boss is sitting. Glaring. FML

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By haunted - 23/10/2015 20:41 - United States - Gainesville

Today, I woke up at 2am and went to use the toilet. I sat there doing my business, when I heard a voice whisper my name from behind me. I live alone and the toilet is right up against the wall. I screamed and ran back to my room, then went without sleep for the rest of the night. FML

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By DoggyBlues - 29/11/2011 01:50 - United States

Today, my fiancé told me he wants a security guard to come with us on our honeymoon to Hawaii. Apparently, watching Dog the Bounty Hunter has made him feel unsafe. FML

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By :| - 12/9/2013 22:27 - Sweden - V?llingby

Today, I realized that what I thought for years was my country's National Anthem, is actually the theme song of a TV show. FML

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By Ryan - 11/6/2011 14:24 - United States

Today, I dreamed that I was making out with a cute girl. Just as I was about to take it to the next level, she suddenly burst into tears and said, "I'm sorry, I can't do this." I can't even get laid in my dreams. FML

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By ypsitucky - 26/7/2011 01:32 - United States

Today, a drunk crashed a truck into my porch. Shaken up, I was glad to see that so many of my neighbors had gathered around to comfort me. When the dust settled, I noticed my remaining porch furniture was missing. They weren't consoling me, they were casing the place. FML

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By reallyhighschool - 3/12/2013 16:34 - United States - Torrance

Today, I got nominated to sit in a chair in the middle of the gym during a high school rally while the entire school got to throw paper balls at me. FML

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By Miss_Kristen - 26/2/2012 15:31 - United States

Today, an African-American family came into the restaurant at which I work. They said, "Jackson, party of 5." After I laughed, I realized they were serious. FML

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By your mother - 13/10/2010 09:02 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I went out for ice cream. We somehow started talking about which of our relatives had died. Right when she was talking about how her grandfather had died, I started laughing. She had gotten ice cream all over her face. She broke up with me. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2009 18:38 - United States

Today, my boyfriend, and best friend, had baked a cake, and wouldnt tell anyone who it was for. When I asked he said I'd know soon. He met me after class to break up with me and offered me the cake to make me feel better. FML

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By seanjohn268 - 29/11/2011 17:21 - Canada

Today, I discovered that you should always unplug the electric mixer before licking the beaters. FML

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By OhDear - 25/5/2011 01:34 - United States

Today, I went to a friend's wedding. While I was holding my four year old son, he managed to unclip the back of my dress and give the whole church a show. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2011 19:34 - United States

Today, I was shopping at Walmart, when a large lady and her friend blocked the aisle I was trying to go down. After saying, "Excuse me," twice and being ignored, I pushed my way through. After getting past, I looked back and noticed she was glaring at me while signing to her friend. FML

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By Ihatemyjob - 18/3/2013 03:14 - United States - Vermilion

Today, at work, I walked in on a disoriented elderly woman eating nachos and cheese off the bathroom floor. She wasn't wearing any pants. FML

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By computerguy - 22/1/2011 01:15 - Canada

Today, I took the motherboard out of my computer so I could put more RAM and a new video card in. While I was in the bathroom my mom threw it all out because it 'looked like garbage'. FML

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By Thefaller - 11/7/2019 16:00

Today, I went to my first university party already a little drunk. I perched on the end of a table to cool off from the dancing and the whole table tipped over and dumped me onto the floor. I was promptly laughed out of the room. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2011 15:44 - Romania

Today, I overheard a conversation between my boyfriend and his best friend about how to shave one's nuts completely. FML

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By queenofthegypsys - 1/3/2020 23:00

Why Change a Perfectly Good System?

Today, while creeping on my boyfriend's ex-wife’s Facebook, I found out that he used to call her the same nicknames he now calls me. FML

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By Jason - 5/2/2018 15:30 - United States - Kenai

Today, I found out that my girlfriend is actually a man. Not a transgender person, I'm okay with that, but an actual gay man who gets a kick out of pranking other guys. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2016 17:29 - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, at a tutoring center, one of the tutors looked at my worksheet and laughed. She then showed all the other tutors my mistakes and they laughed along with her. The best part? They all speak Chinese and they think I can't understand them. I'm Chinese. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2009 22:57 - United States

Today, I woke up in a complete daze. It took me a few minutes to realize what had happened. Apparently my sleepwalking problems have returned, only this time I managed to overdose myself with Nyquil. As a result, I slept for fourteen hours, wet my sheets and lost my job. FML

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By please stay on the line - 7/5/2017 04:00

Today, I was sitting in the break room when my boss came in and yelled at me about a mistake. Because I've worked in customer service for years, I instinctively responded with, "I'm terribly sorry to hear that, sir. I hope you'll still consider us in the future." FML

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Top comments

By jonnymohio | 2

#667847 - Thursday 12 November 2009 15:59

Now all you need is for the manager to sleep with your dad. That would complete the "ewwww" of this post.

By JassyJas | 2

#667823 - Thursday 12 November 2009 15:54

ewwww

COMMENTS

By JassyJas | 2

#667823 - Thursday 12 November 2009 15:54

ewwww

Reply

ronton | 4

#1050286 - Wednesday 30 June 2010 14:44

Oedipus!!

Reply

hobojo11 | 0

#1648499 - Thursday 4 November 2010 6:41

yay incest

Reply

Idonebeenhad | 17

#2698580 - Friday 17 June 2011 4:07

idiot^

Reply

SomeRussianGirl | 3

#4453251 - Friday 18 May 2012 23:50

Why are you fucking your Manager? That's pretty Slutty YDI

Reply

THEsuperMANLYman | 10

#5335602 - Wednesday 23 January 2013 1:29

You and your mom are both whores

By reecescuphoe | 0

#667828 - Thursday 12 November 2009 15:54

ha ha ha thats all i gotta say....things like this always seem to happen

Reply

newmanlyman3 | 8

#906348 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 3:51

well fuck you fuck yor mom fuck your manager fuck dog heck fuck me!!!!! lolz XD. EH NO!!!

Reply

mootoo31 | 6

#5058277 - Friday 19 October 2012 6:43

Coming full circle. It's the circle of life.

By jonnymohio | 2

#667847 - Thursday 12 November 2009 15:59

Now all you need is for the manager to sleep with your dad. That would complete the "ewwww" of this post.

Reply

cj_2_trill | 0

#987128 - Sunday 2 May 2010 4:08

foursome?

Reply

Mylees | 0

#1395618 - Monday 13 September 2010 1:50

Haha. that'd be 'awesome', lol

By mandacakes | 0

#667866 - Thursday 12 November 2009 16:05

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

zac12345 | 0

#951106 - Monday 15 March 2010 23:07

ewe is a female sheep

Reply

youjustmademelol | 4

#4125163 - Tuesday 6 March 2012 0:18

Couldn't be the dad the mom is cheating on the dad and that was a one night stand so no not her dad

By XaosZaleski | 0

#667891 - Thursday 12 November 2009 16:19

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

SpicyDuck | 22

#5053279 - Wednesday 17 October 2012 20:50

I doubt she would be sleeping with someone old enough to be her dad. Not saying it doesn't happen, just saying I don't think it makes sense in this situation.

By kukopia | 0

#667911 - Thursday 12 November 2009 16:31

The ho doesn't fall far from the ho-bush.

Like mother, like ho.

He got in both your jeans 'cause ho'in is in both your genes.

Reply

ilaiseven | 0

#667970 - Thursday 12 November 2009 17:04

wow, you don't sound like an ignorant moron, nope, not at all

Reply

kukopia | 0

#668310 - Thursday 12 November 2009 21:23

Congrats on proper use of the big word!! Who's a smart one.. YOU're a smart one!!

Reply

music_baby224 | 0

#668963 - Friday 13 November 2009 3:48

nice play on words sparky.

Reply

silversti | 0

#2349638 - Thursday 14 April 2011 23:17

lol

By perdix | 29

#667921 - Thursday 12 November 2009 16:38

Cool! You could have a kid and a sibling at the same time!

And they would be uncle/aunt - nephew/niece and half-siblings at the same time. Your family tree will look like a bonzai!

Reply

HxCereal | 0

#670507 - Saturday 14 November 2009 1:43

it would be a wreath...not banzai :p

Reply

Firetroop | 0

#969032 - Saturday 27 March 2010 7:51

OOH, that idea reminds me of a song, about a fictional person whose dad married the person's son in law, which made the person his own grandpa!

By Starfire22 | 5

#667940 - Thursday 12 November 2009 16:48

ewwwwww!!!! so I wonder if he compares the two of you or if it's a " apple doesn't fall far from the tree" thing

By UMAD_fml | 0

#667947 - Thursday 12 November 2009 16:51

your family is fucked up!

By Webbie | 0

#667971 - Thursday 12 November 2009 17:05

ha ha ha , can we say Daddy?