Today, I found out that my mother cheated on my father. It turns... - FML

By Anonymous - 12/11/2009 06:27 - United States

Today, I found out that my mother cheated on my father. It turns out she had a drunken one night stand with the manager of the restaurant that my parents own and that I work at. The same manager I have been secretly sleeping with for over six months. FML

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Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Or he's just becoming an old goober

The student becomes the master

By wookieewhosshe - 18/5/2019 12:30

Today, it's the first day in 3 weeks that I'm in my flat after 7 a.m. due to a very busy work schedule. I was looking forward to a Saturday lie-in. Also today, my flatmate's alarm clock went off loudly from 7:30 to 10:30. He's in another country and his door is locked. Bye bye lie-in. FML

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By eatmywords - 5/7/2011 07:06 - Singapore

Today, I laughed when I saw my ex-girlfriend in her overall uniform, thinking she'd got a job as a janitor. Turns out she's as professional marine welder. She's 22 years old and earns my monthly salary in three days. My current girlfriend who was there with me called me a loser in front of her. FML

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By eyelashess - 29/6/2011 04:10 - United States

Today, our carbon monoxide detector started beeping. My mom started freaking out and made me go stand outside so I "don't die". I stood outside for 20 minutes, it was raining and it turned out that the detector was just low on battery. FML

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By elipses - 22/8/2009 04:43 - Canada

Today, I got a report telling me how I had handled a mystery shopper at work. In this report I found out that instead of saying "Thank you" I had said "Have a nice day, take care." This kept me from getting my $150 bonus. FML

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By LD619 - 16/12/2010 05:51 - United States

Today, I gave my ex-girlfriend two concert tickets to show her I still care about her and want to win her back. She sold them. FML

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By Poor Student - 5/12/2011 22:30 - Canada

Today, my mother "borrowed" money from my stash to help pay for her vacation to the Dominican Republic. The same trip I'm not allowed to go on. FML

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By backwardsinlife - 5/10/2009 18:53 - United States

Today, while in the drive-through for Taco Bell, I hit the car behind me after forgetting my car was in reverse. It was in reverse because I was worried the old lady in front of me was going to forget she was in reverse. She didn't. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2017 21:30

Today, the manager that hired me and worked for years to inspire and connect her staff was laid to rest. Hours before the funeral, her replacement told me he wanted my 2 weeks notice on his desk tonight. I've been a model employee, he just doesn't like me. FML

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By Liah12 - 5/3/2016 13:52 - United States - Holt

Today, my family picked a place for my birthday dinner. They chose a seafood restaurant. I'm allergic. FML

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By maarkblack - 22/5/2013 14:51 - United States

Today, I awoke from a dream that I'd found an Arco gas station that had regular gas for $3.38. I actually went looking for it. FML

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By sadlife - 9/7/2009 18:50 - Canada

Today, I opened my lunch in front of my friends at university. I had a note in my lunch from my mother that said "Have a good day sweetie! - Love mom". I wrote that note, and put it in my lunch to impress my friends. FML

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By BKCK4187 - 20/12/2011 03:23 - United States

Today, I got aroused by the vanilla scent from an unused trash bag. FML

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By sickpuppy - 8/9/2019 12:00

Geometry

Today, I learned the hard way that when sick, throw up, then have diarrhea. Not the other way round. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2010 23:18 - Canada

Today, my friends took me to a strip club for my 25th birthday. I went onstage with 5 dollars in my mouth to tip the dancer. She then took off my belt and pants and spanked me 25 times with the buckle end of the belt. I paid a stripper 5 dollars to whoop my ass. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/1/2012 16:20 - United States

Today, I had to ask my girlfriend to please stop telling me about her ex's penis. FML

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By yek - 24/12/2015 19:01 - Israel - Tel Aviv

Today, I'm spending Christmas Eve at the hospital. Why? Because when I blew my nose, a ball of flesh connected to a tendril of skin shot out, and it wouldn't go back up. FML

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By anonymous - 14/6/2012 14:54 - China - Nanjing

Today, I found out that my wife and two teenage daughters' periods are all one week after the other. I am living in hell almost every single day. FML

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By hipprep83 - 20/3/2009 17:40 - United States

Today, I found a bell that had been tied into the tassel of my ski hat by my twin sister as part of a longstanding prank war between us. I'm deaf and have apparently been jingling like an elf for over a week. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2015 04:37 - New Zealand - Albany

Today, I invited an acquaintance over for tea. When he came in, I told him to make himself at home. He took it literally and now half of my pantry is messed up, my boyfriend's chocolate supply is gone, and I'm pretty sure our couch is broken. Thanks. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/3/2009 20:47 - Canada

Today, at 4:00 a.m., I woke up and realized that I had thrown an expensive gift certificate for a friend in the garbage. Since it was garbage day, I ran out in the rain in my pajamas and rifled through all three bags of garbage. Twice. I found the gift certificate. It was in my pocket. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2009 13:08 - United States

Today, it was the last day of finals. After sleeping less than three hours in the last two days, I got in the car to go to school. For a second, I thought my steering wheel, the gas pedal, and brake pedal were all missing. That's when I realized I was sitting in the back seat. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2011 00:21 - United States

Today, I went outside for a cigarette since I don't like smoking in the house. When I was done, I stomped it out. I wasn't wearing shoes. FML

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By ordinaryday - 22/5/2012 12:21 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I reached a new level of commitment in my relationship with my boyfriend. This happened when he pooped on the side of the road beside my truck, while talking and making eye contact with me while wiping. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/5/2013 06:29 - United States

Today, a friend and I were walking around a festival when out of nowhere a giant bug hit me in the face. I went into instant ninja mode, screaming and flailing. When I stopped, I realized it was just a leaf and everyone was staring at me. FML

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By Noname - 29/10/2008 10:09 - Slovenia

Today, they finally took my braces off. 7 hours later I fell off my bike and chipped my tooth. FML

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By Goodtimes - 1/10/2019 20:01

Trust

Today, I had to dump my girlfriend because of tons of trust issues that kept reappearing. Shortly afterwards, my credit card disappeared and I got to experience my first identity theft. All within 24 hours. FML

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By Overworked - 30/9/2013 05:01 - United States

Today, I realized how bad my insomnia had got when I tried answering my water bottle when my alarm went off. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2009 19:08 - United States

Today, I got an invitation to my ex-boyfriend's wedding. We broke up because "he didn't believe in marriage." FML

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By ConfusedFiancé - 29/10/2017 22:00

Today, I stumbled across my boyfriend's tumblr page. I've known him for years and never knew he had one. Being curious, I decided to give it a look, only to be ambushed by a wall of furry porn. FML

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By jobless - 8/9/2016 18:18 - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, after a month at my new job, my boss fired me because I didn't have enough experience. She hired me with full knowledge of this fact. FML

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By Court - 22/2/2010 02:12 - United States

Today, my best friend had set me up on a blind date. The guy demonstrated at length that he could do different cartoon voices such as Donald Duck, Droopy and many others the entire time. Oh, and he also kept wanting to talk about his farts. FML

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By wowawesome - 18/7/2019 16:00

Today, I got a second piercing in my ear. I needed help cleaning the back, so I asked my dad for help. I told him to careful, but right when I did, he tore the earring out with the cotton swab. Thanks, dad. FML

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By Why - 3/9/2015 19:54 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to create another signature. I have to use one at the bank and the other around my mother, so that when she tries to cash my paychecks the bank won't let her. FML

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By jesus christ - 1/10/2011 02:55 - United States

Today, I was giving an anti-drugs speech to a group of ninth graders. I got onto the topic of trafficking from problem countries and asked a student to point out Mexico City on a map. He hesitated a few seconds before pointing at Canada. What the hell has the education system come to? FML

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By soulaar - 2/10/2015 14:22 - Vietnam - Dong Nai

Today, I was sitting outside in a pair of shorts. After about 15 minutes of getting weird looks from people, I realized my cock was sticking out of a hole that wasn't in my shorts when I put them on. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2012 23:20 - Sri Lanka - Piliyandala

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. He said it was because my mom's lazy eye creeps him out, and that my dad hates him. She doesn't have a lazy eye, he's never met my dad, never seen my mom, and now according to his friends, he's been cheating on me for the past two weeks. FML

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By not_very_smart - 24/7/2013 06:44 - United States

Today, it was so hot in the un-airconditioned gym that when I got up off the floor, I slipped in my own pool of sweat and got a concussion. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2015 01:27 - United States - Orlando

Today, my brother was telling me about my "sweet" and "pure" ex-girlfriend. Three stab wounds have already proven otherwise. FML

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By rolyat - 1/5/2012 16:41 - United States - Rochester

Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend for the first time. When I took my underwear off, she looked at my penis, snorted, and covered her mouth. She claimed that her "allergies" were flaring and we have to wait until they clear up. FML

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By catdog - 2/1/2013 06:07 - United States - West Sacramento

Today, my neighbor went on vacation, leaving me in charge of his cat and dog. For some reason, he calls his dog "Cat" and his cat "Dog". There are two pet food containers, one labeled "Cat" and the other labeled "Dog". I have no idea which one goes to which animal. FML

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Top comments

By jonnymohio | 2

#667847 - Thursday 12 November 2009 15:59

Now all you need is for the manager to sleep with your dad. That would complete the "ewwww" of this post.

By JassyJas | 2

#667823 - Thursday 12 November 2009 15:54

ewwww

Comments

By JassyJas | 2

#667823 - Thursday 12 November 2009 15:54

ewwww

Reply

ronton | 4

#1050286 - Wednesday 30 June 2010 14:44

Oedipus!!

Reply

hobojo11 | 0

#1648499 - Thursday 4 November 2010 6:41

yay incest

Reply

Idonebeenhad | 17

#2698580 - Friday 17 June 2011 4:07

idiot^

Reply

SomeRussianGirl | 3

#4453251 - Friday 18 May 2012 23:50

Why are you fucking your Manager? That's pretty Slutty YDI

Reply

THEsuperMANLYman | 10

#5335602 - Wednesday 23 January 2013 1:29

You and your mom are both whores

By reecescuphoe | 0

#667828 - Thursday 12 November 2009 15:54

ha ha ha thats all i gotta say....things like this always seem to happen

Reply

newmanlyman3 | 8

#906348 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 3:51

well fuck you fuck yor mom fuck your manager fuck dog heck fuck me!!!!! lolz XD. EH NO!!!

Reply

mootoo31 | 6

#5058277 - Friday 19 October 2012 6:43

Coming full circle. It's the circle of life.

By jonnymohio | 2

#667847 - Thursday 12 November 2009 15:59

Now all you need is for the manager to sleep with your dad. That would complete the "ewwww" of this post.

Reply

cj_2_trill | 0

#987128 - Sunday 2 May 2010 4:08

foursome?

Reply

Mylees | 0

#1395618 - Monday 13 September 2010 1:50

Haha. that'd be 'awesome', lol

By mandacakes | 0

#667866 - Thursday 12 November 2009 16:05

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

zac12345 | 0

#951106 - Monday 15 March 2010 23:07

ewe is a female sheep

Reply

youjustmademelol | 4

#4125163 - Tuesday 6 March 2012 0:18

Couldn't be the dad the mom is cheating on the dad and that was a one night stand so no not her dad

By XaosZaleski | 0

#667891 - Thursday 12 November 2009 16:19

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

SpicyDuck | 22

#5053279 - Wednesday 17 October 2012 20:50

I doubt she would be sleeping with someone old enough to be her dad. Not saying it doesn't happen, just saying I don't think it makes sense in this situation.

By kukopia | 0

#667911 - Thursday 12 November 2009 16:31

The ho doesn't fall far from the ho-bush.

Like mother, like ho.

He got in both your jeans 'cause ho'in is in both your genes.

Reply

ilaiseven | 0

#667970 - Thursday 12 November 2009 17:04

wow, you don't sound like an ignorant moron, nope, not at all

Reply

kukopia | 0

#668310 - Thursday 12 November 2009 21:23

Congrats on proper use of the big word!! Who's a smart one.. YOU're a smart one!!

Reply

music_baby224 | 0

#668963 - Friday 13 November 2009 3:48

nice play on words sparky.

Reply

silversti | 0

#2349638 - Thursday 14 April 2011 23:17

lol

By perdix | 29

#667921 - Thursday 12 November 2009 16:38

Cool! You could have a kid and a sibling at the same time!

And they would be uncle/aunt - nephew/niece and half-siblings at the same time. Your family tree will look like a bonzai!

Reply

HxCereal | 0

#670507 - Saturday 14 November 2009 1:43

it would be a wreath...not banzai :p

Reply

Firetroop | 0

#969032 - Saturday 27 March 2010 7:51

OOH, that idea reminds me of a song, about a fictional person whose dad married the person's son in law, which made the person his own grandpa!

By Starfire22 | 5

#667940 - Thursday 12 November 2009 16:48

ewwwwww!!!! so I wonder if he compares the two of you or if it's a " apple doesn't fall far from the tree" thing

By UMAD_fml | 0

#667947 - Thursday 12 November 2009 16:51

your family is fucked up!

By Webbie | 0

#667971 - Thursday 12 November 2009 17:05

ha ha ha , can we say Daddy?