Intimacy: Today, I found out that my fifty-five year old uncle had taken... - FML

By whatthef - United States

Today, I found out that my fifty-five year old uncle had taken my phone and texted my girlfriend saying "I'm his uncle, send tit pics." She did. FML

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Dementia or hate? You decide

So compassionate

Mystery unwanted gift

By Habit - United Kingdom

Today, I learned that the only reason most of my students come to my lectures is that they have a running bet on how many times I say "OK" in two hours. It was 137 last week. FML

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By looz - France

Today, I went out for a drink with my girlfriend. Everything was going smoothly until her phone rang, she took the call and cut whoever it was off quite quickly by saying "I can't talk right now, I'm in the middle of a break-up". I certainly wasn't aware. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

I'm right here

Today, after applying for a promotion to a position which I've been working my ass off for two years to get, my managers thought it would be appropriate to discuss other applicants in front of me, even asking me to compare my resume with theirs to see the "caliber" of what I'm up against. FML

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By Llamadroid - United States - Los Angeles

Today, out of my whole class, I received no awards. All my teachers thought that I would get plenty from the others. Now people think I'm stupid. I have a 3.66 GPA and they won't believe me. FML

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By soupduped - United States

Today, I opened up a can of tomato soup I'd taken from my parents' house recently. After eating the whole can, I started feeling a little off, so I checked the expiration date. It expired 12 years ago. FML

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By khood - United States

Today, I bought a coral colored hooded sweatshirt, which my girlfriend told me was "hot". I wore it to a baseball game tonight. When it got cold I put the hood over my head, only to hear everyone behind me laugh. The back of the hood said "Boy crazy". It was a teen girls sweatshirt. FML

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By unprofessional - United States - Portland

Today, I filled out an online application for a internship. I didn't have all the info I need to complete it, but it wouldn't let me leave anything blank so to move along I filled in crap answers. I pressed "Save". It sent my draft in. I now have to explain that "Jesus" isn't actually my reference. FML

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By Whywhywhy

Today, my daughter decided to draw me a heart for my birthday. Unfortunately, she drew it on the side of my car. With a rock. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my house got robbed, while I was upstairs taking a dump. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - March

Today, my girlfriend tried to convince me that she never takes dumps. I told her that as long as she eats, it's a biological impossibility, but she seems to have genuinely deluded herself into thinking it's true, purely because she is a girl. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to my kid's band concert. She's 12 and in the advanced team. They were the first ones to play and they were so incredibly bad that I laughed. Really, really loud. I was escorted out of the recital. FML

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By rejectedprobably - United States - Zionsville

Today, I asked one of my teachers to write me a letter of recommendation for my top school. Even though I did fairly well in their class, I found out that they don't think that I'm very intelligent, but my "strong, work ethic" makes up for it. They mentioned it in the letter and submitted it. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2020 02:04

Life imitates art

Today, I had to sit through the film The 40 Year Old Virgin with my friends, who thought it was hilarious. I'm well over 40 and also a virgin. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my wife created a "Points Reward" system for the privilege of sex. 10 points for doing the dishes, 20 for the laundry, etc. How many points do I need before I can have sex with her? 2300. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was playing with my hedgehog and he started licking my face. I thought it was super cute, until he latched onto my eyelid with his teeth. He then created a ball of saliva and blood and coated his body in it. FML

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By Hopeless romantic - Australia - Perth

Today, I began to sign "I love you" to my boyfriend from across the room. I ended up just poking myself in the eye. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the grocery store with my mom's boyfriend. We were in the bread aisle when he picked up a loaf that was in my hand, and said, "No, no, you have to FEEL the bread," and started rubbing it all over his body. He's moving in next week. FML

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By Dave - United States - Brookfield

Today, I left my number on my receipt for a cute waitress. As I was leaving the bar, she came running out and called me over. I obviously got excited. Turns out I'd forgotten to sign my slip. FML

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By krushr - Canada

Today, I discovered I have bed bugs. I have nowhere else to sleep and I won't be able to afford a new mattress for at least a year. I'd better get used to these giant welts. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I learned what a "pain in the ass" means. I sat down on my patio swing chair, only to discover it was swarming with baby wasps, who stung me all over the butt. Ouch! FML

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By cookie_lover_xx - United States - Chandler

Today, my mom ended up having a midlife crisis. She decided it was finally time to get those tight leather pants that she has always wanted, and is now planning on putting a stripper pole in her room. FML

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By Missyangel - United States

Today, my 7 year old looks at me and states, "When I grow up Mommy I want to be fat just like you." FML

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By lateralligator - Canada - Whitchurch-stouffville

Today, I took out my old hairdryer and turned it on. I then gave my roommate a show as I ran out of the bathroom, naked and screaming, after a spider was blasted out of the hairdryer and directly at my face. FML

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By beachbumb8538 - United States

Today, I had to do a "damage report" on myself after going to the midnight premiere of Harry Potter. As I was waiting for the previews, a 20 year old man dressed as a house elf tackled and wrestled me for my seat. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I noticed I have more alcohol in my fridge than I do actual food. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2020 02:01

Medicare for all, please

Today, I'm sitting in the ER with my 6 ovarian cyst rupture. The pain meds have already worn off and my vag hurts. I also had my gallbladder removed last June, and my right ovary removed last January. The staff here remember me. Most expensive friends I've ever had. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Kitchener

Today, I had to close my eyes in shame and pretend I didn't exist, as my mom gave a cop a good look at her wrinkled, prune-like cleavage and tried to convince him that the speed limit is optional. FML

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By asparagus piss - United States - Tifton

Today, after having loaned my girlfriend money after she claimed to be broke and unable to pay her rent and electricity bills, she went out, spent it all on a new purse and phone, and now refuses to pay me back. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, everyone commented on how realistic my "fat suit" was. I didn't dress up for Halloween. FML

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By frankrizzo - Canada

Today, I had a wet dream. When I woke up, I was touching myself. Unfortunately, I also woke up to find that I had fallen asleep on the couch after eating too much at a family reunion. When I looked around the room, over 10 relatives were giving me nasty looks. FML

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By wookieewhosshe

Today, I woke up on the floor with my feet still in the bed. I had passed out while vomiting into a bucket, since I couldn't make it to the bathroom in time. The bucket had spilled all over my bed. FML

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By Kay - India - Nagari

Today, I discovered that my 20-year-old son has been using my bras for his jerk-off sessions. FML

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By CatLady - United States - San Francisco

Today, I brought up the subject of marriage with my boyfriend. His response was to shoot me with a nerf gun and laugh. FML

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By fmlguy

Today, I've been considering breaking up with my girlfriend so I don't have to buy her a Christmas present. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was talking with my mother and expressed my slight disappointment at how many of my friends are getting into relationships, whereas I'm still single. My mother decided to encourage me by saying "Don't worry, sweetie. There are boys out there who don't go for looks. You'll be fine". FML

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By Burntintomyretinas - Australia - Chatswood

Today, I went over to my girlfriend's house. She'd told me not to ring the doorbell and just come in so that I wouldn't wake her dad up. As I walked upstairs, her father walked out of the bathroom naked. We locked eyes. I can't get the image out of my head. FML

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By youmothERFUCKErs - United States

Today, yet again, I had to dye my hair brown in advance of the new school year, because my school doesn't allow "unapproved" colors, even if they're natural. FML

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By Imslow - United States

Today, I found out that our neighbors told almost everyone on our street that I was mentally handicapped. All this time I wasn't sure why they would speak slowly and loudly at me. Now they won't believe me when I tell them I'm a 4.0 GPA student. FML

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By luroluro - United States

Today, I had to address a flatulence issue with an employee. Other employees are complaining about the smell. I have to continue addressing the issue until it stops. So far, I've talked to her about it 4 times. No end in sight. FML

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By ItWasOurAnniversary - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I wanted to kayak. On the way, I told him I had to go back to our hotel because I needed the bathroom and didn't want a public one to smell. Once back in the elevator at the hotel, it got stuck. For an hour. I pooped myself and had to wait 40 minutes after that for help. FML

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Top comments

By 1337Steph | 0

#651380 - Monday 2 November 2009 23:12

Wow, that's really disturbing.

By Skull_300 | 0

#651439 - Monday 2 November 2009 23:30

Please forward this message to her...."We are Whattheef's online friends, send us tit pics too!!!"

COMMENTS

By 1337Steph | 0

#651380 - Monday 2 November 2009 23:12

Wow, that's really disturbing.

Reply

White667 | 0

#651957 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 6:53

LoL, fucking awesome uncle xD

Reply

Bananaaa_fml | 0

#681662 - Saturday 21 November 2009 2:49

i have a confession...............i am the uncle
*GASP* :O

Reply

killerpenguin4 | 9

#1077516 - Sunday 11 July 2010 0:02

I'd dump that bitch

Reply

conkilla | 0

#1294936 - Tuesday 24 August 2010 15:44

sum ppl r just sluts n wanna share their bodies with every1 YDI for picking a slutty gf

Reply

cheerloveyou | 0

#2341494 - Wednesday 13 April 2011 3:51

did you seriously have to write in "text talk"?!

By amrz95 | 0

#651389 - Monday 2 November 2009 23:15

noiceeee

By Skull_300 | 0

#651439 - Monday 2 November 2009 23:30

Please forward this message to her...."We are Whattheef's online friends, send us tit pics too!!!"

By blakehilli8 | 0

#651447 - Monday 2 November 2009 23:33

fitrsysd

By perdix | 29

#651448 - Monday 2 November 2009 23:34

So, does he approve?

It's good to get buy-in from the men in your family. Especially the perverted ones.
Were the tit pics good, or did she have to Photoshop them?

Reply

fireobsessed | 0

#884456 - Tuesday 23 February 2010 6:01

probly Photoshop if not he would sa so

By Bran_Dizzle_ | 0

#651485 - Monday 2 November 2009 23:52

Wow

Ahaha

Can she send some this way?

By ninjobliveus13 | 0

#651486 - Monday 2 November 2009 23:55

that actually sucks pretty bad... don't worry though your uncle didn't have enough Viagra to use those pictures for their intended use

Reply

fireobsessed | 0

#906655 - Tuesday 2 March 2010 5:25

niceee!!!!!

By getreadysetfml | 0

#651559 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 0:37

...:D old men r soo kick ass

By jbm0225 | 0

#651561 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 0:38

that's freakin' AWESOME!!

By armybarbie | 1

#651597 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 0:57

time for a new girlfriend maybe?

Reply

zumiez069 | 5

#4316333 - Tuesday 17 April 2012 14:14

Who wouldnt want a gurlfriend thst sends pics when ever u want?