Miscellaneous: Today, I found out that licking your very chapped lips while...

By Anonymous - 28/02/2016 11:49 - United Kingdom - Lewes

Today, I found out that licking your very chapped lips while totally zoned out and looking in the general direction of a girl, will end up with you becoming the massive college creeper that everyone avoids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 176

You deserved it 3 516

Miscellaneous

Empathy lives

Late term

Seize the means

By Anonymous - 13/10/2008 08:24 - Australia

Today, I got up at 8am and didn't take a shower so I could hear the postman at the door. He never came. I stink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 535

You deserved it 74 880

By habsgurl0622 - 08/10/2012 18:57 - United States - Piedmont

Today, I realized the only reason why my boyfriend spends the night with me is because my house is closer to his job than his, and so he saves money on gas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 682

You deserved it 2 992

By NJ <3 - 10/01/2012 15:34 - United States

Today, while trying to prove a point to my mom, I learned that bird seed tastes better than her cooking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 170

You deserved it 3 672

By Can I press charges? - 15/01/2015 17:23 - Australia - Hamilton

Today, my nutjob girlfriend dumped me for refusing to stop talking to my best friend, just because she's a woman. Before she left, my now-ex decided to punish me by destroying the dissertation I've spent months working on, along with both backups of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 520

You deserved it 4 643

By xkellybabyyx - 25/11/2009 01:05 - United States

Today, I was walking through the streets with my best friend, feeling confident in my new skinny jeans. My friend said, "you really should be wearing a thong with those pants, your underwear line is showing". I was wearing a thong, those lines were just my fat rolls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 858

You deserved it 40 587

By Brea - 01/02/2011 18:50 - United States

Today, I wanted to annoy my sister by playing the air horn app on my iPhone. I forgot that I had headphones in. Let's just say I quickly had to change my underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 841

You deserved it 68 494

By crap - 24/02/2014 04:01 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I was walking a dog at the animal hospital where I work when it pooped out a rag-like object. I told the doctor, who told me to clean it off to see what it was. It was a rainbow-colored thong. We have to give it back to the owner when they pick their dog up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 890

You deserved it 3 217

By Anonymous - 30/08/2012 18:33 - United States - Auburn

Today, I had to explain to my teacher that Czechoslovakia is no longer a country. She kicked me out of class when she found out I was right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 147

You deserved it 2 122

By LoveMeMother - 20/09/2018 05:00

Today, I realized my mom tells our dogs she loves them more than she says it to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 519

You deserved it 318

By Noname - 26/02/2009 15:30 - United States

Today, I was a TA for a history class and the class was taking a test. About halfway through, I noticed one kid had a small piece of paper in his hand. I ran up the row, grabbed his test, and ripped it into four pieces. Then I took the note from him. It said "I believe in you, -Mom." FML

I agree, your life sucks 85 943

You deserved it 475 140

By srs - 11/08/2018 20:30

Today, my parents yelled at me for coming home drunk from a party last night. They said I couldn't hang out with my best friend anymore as he's a "bad influence". He was the only one sober in our group and drove me home safely. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 997

You deserved it 479

By Geewizz - 05/04/2009 08:35 - United States

Today, I got a text from my girlfriend that she was tanning naked. I replied saying I wished I was there to make tanning more fun. She replied saying that its ok because Kevin was there. My girlfriend was tanning naked with another guy over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79 372

You deserved it 4 692

By Anonymous - 12/07/2013 05:24 - United States - Oakland

Today, I had my driver's test in rural Maine. I hit a cow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 771

You deserved it 14 597

By bittenbyadonkey - 28/01/2011 17:23 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend came over to have dinner with my family. Everything went well until my mum started hitting the brandy. While kicked back in her chair, she asked my boyfriend how satisfactory I was in bed, and if he enjoyed going down on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 047

You deserved it 3 537

By sweet92 - 15/05/2009 04:32 - United States

Today, I went to a store to buy pants for a new job. A really hot guy helped me get a pair down from a high shelf so I could try them on. He had flirted with me so I hurried in the fitting room so I could go talk to him. Note to self: Check to see if you have pants on after trying on clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 981

You deserved it 53 893

By fuck right off - 04/04/2015 17:32 - United Kingdom - Coalville

Today, as I was walking to work, a cyclist shot out of nowhere and slammed into me. I hit the ground hard and lay there in agony. The guy quickly dusted himself off, said "Sorry man. It's a vicious cycle." then chuckled at his own stupid pun and cycled away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 451

You deserved it 3 005

By sickofthisshit - 02/07/2016 16:43 - United States - Oceanside

Today, I nearly got written up for "publicly humiliating" a coworker. All because I left a note in the restroom asking whoever keeps peeing all over the floor to please be considerate of other people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 153

You deserved it 1 013

Territorial Pissings

By El Camino - 25/11/2010 21:01 - United States

Today, I parked in a different lot because the one I usually park in was full. When I came back later, a bumper sticker was stuck to the windshield that said, "INCONSIDERATE F***, DON'T PARK HERE AGAIN!" To make matters worse, it was stuck on with a special type of glue, so it can't be removed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 314

You deserved it 5 058

By J - 24/11/2009 18:45 - United Kingdom

Today, I watched Paranormal Activity which is known to be the scariest film ever. After the film, I went to brush my teeth and out of the corner of my eye I saw the bathroom door closing by itself. I jumped out of my skin and stabbed myself in the eye with my toothbrush. It was just my dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 586

You deserved it 35 412

By patriarchal apparently - 29/06/2013 19:58 - Saint Lucia

Today, my girlfriend kicked me out for bringing up the idea of her maybe giving me a blowjob someday. According to her, it's "demeaning" and "sick". She doesn't seem to have a problem always making me go down on her for ages as a condition for having sex with me, though. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 936

You deserved it 9 933

By Rebecca - 16/04/2012 18:49 - United States - Bloomfield

Today, my mom admitted that the only reason she took me out for lunch was because she felt guilty over going on a massive shopping spree for my sister while I was forced to stay home alone. I thanked her for the Wendy's meal anyway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 602

You deserved it 2 142

Stress factor 11

By Jonoq - 04/10/2019 16:00 - Canada

Today, in a 2-hour period at work, I had to talk to the cops, clean up shit and clean up vomit, yet none of these events were related. The worst part is, I work as a lifeguard and none of this is in the job description. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 407

You deserved it 109

By Anonymous - 25/10/2013 17:20 - United States - Tacoma

Today, my car was broken into, on the same night I stayed up late researching how to install my new car alarm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 047

You deserved it 3 415

By Anonymous - 23/01/2018 15:00

Today, my husband has had a low sex drive for a while now. I've been trying all sorts of things to pique his desire. Turns out that a conversation about Neil deGrasse Tyson was all I ever needed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 496

You deserved it 541

Happy Birthday!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I had to wrap presents for a cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 385

You deserved it 7 697

By urbantrashcan - 05/10/2015 21:02 - United States

Today, my dentist and his hygienist were flirting while they worked on my mouth. I didn't really mind, however I definitely minded when the hygienist pierced my gum with her tool because she was laughing at one of his jokes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 804

You deserved it 1 426

By ThatOneGirl646 - 12/01/2012 00:49 - United States

Today, my mother threatened me if I keep wearing yoga pants to school, she's going to have my dad pick me up in a speedo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 852

You deserved it 49 388

By SterlingSilver91 - 03/09/2011 23:49 - Canada

Today, I woke up to a text from a girl I had slept with two nights ago. It read, "Please don't get mad if you notice a rash on your private parts. Sorry in advance." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 094

You deserved it 42 598

By ihateveganism - 22/08/2012 04:19 - United States - Barrington

Today, my vegan girlfriend refused to give me a blowjob because, apparently, blowjobs aren't vegan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 154

You deserved it 9 952

By blueballed - 29/11/2014 21:08 - Germany - Kiel

Today, after a huge fight, my girlfriend started coming onto me. I thought it was actual make-up sex and went along with it. It was great, until she suddenly shoved me off her just as I was almost ready to come. She smugly announced she was dumping me, got dressed, then left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 941

You deserved it 7 820

By Pokerking98 - 16/05/2009 18:44 - United States

Today, while biking, I got into a major crash with two cars. The cars were parked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 251

You deserved it 56 619

By Anonymous - 13/09/2017 01:30

Today, I ordered a surveillance camera for my home. The package got stolen after being delivered. I think they're onto me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 812

You deserved it 250

By "Anti_Sora" - 05/01/2019 00:00

Today, I turned in my final worth 20% of the grade. Today was also the day my internet decided to die. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 137

You deserved it 277

Dating is hell

By Anonymous - 13/07/2014 18:34 - United Kingdom - Rugby

Today, I had my third date with a lovely guy. After I got home, I figured I'd try to see if I could find his Facebook profile. I did. His pictures were nice; lovely wedding photos for sure, and his newborn baby is adorable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 393

You deserved it 5 188

Second time

By timon_n_pumbaa - 11/01/2020 09:00 - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I found myself locked in a bathroom for the second time in my life. This time at least I was at home. I live alone. I had to break the window on the shower door and crawl out. Now, I need to crawl in/out to shower, brush my teeth and more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 911

You deserved it 1 184

By lizzzie - 09/10/2009 21:25 - United Kingdom

Today, I learned that the excessive groin sweating I've been trying to deal with for weeks isn't groin sweating. It's a slow and steady stream of urine that I have no control over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 033

You deserved it 3 763

Butterface

By khfhjfsb - 05/02/2014 00:41 - United States - Downers Grove

Today, the guy I was sexting asked me to stop including my face in the pictures. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 923

You deserved it 22 493

By dukebluedevils13 - 05/08/2011 01:47 - United States

Today, my 5 year old fish died. As I was flushing him, he started swimming again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 184

You deserved it 8 122

By Anonymous - 26/01/2017 10:04 - United States - Newtown

Today, my crush fell asleep on me on the bus. This would have been fantastic if I didn't immediately have an erection in her ear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 041

You deserved it 1 330

By mrosewrosem - 12/12/2018 05:00

Today, I woke up with a swollen face and have been diagnosed with mumps. Despite having been vaccinated against it. Twice. I have three assignments due next week and I can barely stay awake long enough to type this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 603

You deserved it 239

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

ihartmytdi 23

Send a private message

Monday 29 February 2016 0:41

Who knew that Chapstick could save you from a couple years of ridicule in college?

lchollett 22

Send a private message

Monday 29 February 2016 1:01

Next time, try and save it by saying "Hey girl, guess what else this tongue can do." Trust me, no one will think it's creepy. *crosses fingers behind back*

Mathalamus 24

Send a private message

Monday 29 February 2016 0:35

Well, that was a mistake...

MikaykayUnicorn 36

Send a private message

Monday 29 February 2016 20:16

No, really?

cIouds 15

Send a private message

Tuesday 1 March 2016 13:17

Please downvote me too. I want them all.

JohnnyDontCare 11

Send a private message

Monday 29 February 2016 0:41

Embrace it!

ihartmytdi 23

Send a private message

Monday 29 February 2016 0:41

Who knew that Chapstick could save you from a couple years of ridicule in college?

cosmic_peanut 17

Send a private message

Monday 29 February 2016 0:41

that's delicious

jake131000 21

Send a private message

Monday 29 February 2016 0:52

You should probably walk around campus and really exaggerate licking your lips. And then when everyone's staring at you... Put Chapstick on. It's the only way to regain your dignity.

StormfrontX33_fml 24

Send a private message

Monday 29 February 2016 0:53

Licking your chapped lips only makes them even more dry. Anyway, shouldn't you be paying attention in class? You're paying for your education. If not, someone else is in some way (taxes, etc.)

jake131000 21

Send a private message

Monday 29 February 2016 5:03

This comment is retarded. It has nothing to do with his classes...

Brandi_Faith 33

Send a private message

Monday 29 February 2016 5:19

Maybe this was during lunch.

StormfrontX33_fml 24

Send a private message

Monday 29 February 2016 6:33

It has nothing to do with classes when he is in college, and it most likely occurred in a classroom? What more other likely location would it be, ascertained from the way that he phrased the fml? Your liberal use of retarded reflects arrogance and ignorance. Get a life.

brezzyanna 17

Send a private message

Monday 29 February 2016 7:42

In the hall? Or the caf? Or walking outside?

TheMathMajor 26

Send a private message

Monday 29 February 2016 14:55

Lots of students in collage live on campus or otherwise close together. It could have happened anywhere. Also, who cares if the guy zoned out in class? I'm sure you've never done the same.

teentee401 36

Send a private message

Monday 29 February 2016 0:53

That's a damn shame

pleasedie 22

Send a private message

Monday 29 February 2016 0:54

" Today, some weirdo licked his dry, chapped lips in front of me. What a creep. FML"

pleasedie 22

Send a private message

Monday 29 February 2016 0:55

On second thought, I'm quite curious as to what kind of face you were making. Must've been amusing

theoldman 22

Send a private message

Monday 29 February 2016 0:54

How small of a college do you go to for 1 awkward moment to make you a social pariah everywhere?

danceinconverse 25

Send a private message

Monday 29 February 2016 11:37

Right?? I feel like that's probably not the only thing that caused people to give him that title.

Musicstruck17 24

Send a private message

Monday 29 February 2016 12:38

She must have told others how creepy she felt and it spread around.

RelaxingPlace 11

Send a private message

Monday 29 February 2016 12:50

In the UK college is something you normally do before University (16-18) so people don't travel far.

TabooSushi 24

Send a private message

Monday 29 February 2016 0:56

So there's this awesome stuff called "lip balm," or if you need to be manly call it "chapstick," which when applied liberally and at regular intervals tends to take care of chapped lips, thus preventing such situations as this one. Frankly, more men need to learn of this product and actually use it.

ConfusedCat 11

Send a private message

Monday 29 February 2016 4:21

Don't know why this is being downvoted. You're right.

Aerobic_Exorcism 13

Send a private message

Monday 29 February 2016 6:04

I think it's because he's implying all men have chapped lips and are ignorant of the existence of lip balm. Or maybe people just don't like condescending comments.