Love: Today, I found out my sister stole my phone, pretended to be... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 99

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 509

You deserved it 138

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 213

You deserved it 1 752

26/07/2014 15:35

Today, I found out my sister stole my phone, pretended to be me, and tried breaking up with my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 260

You deserved it 4 736

Batman

Our house, in the middle of our street

Thanks, government

15/12/2011 17:26

Spicy

Today, while at family dinner, my boyfriend got drunk and told my entire family the things I do in bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 708

You deserved it 5 533

26/12/2014 19:28

Today, I had to drive my husband to hospital after he tried to burn his pubes off with a lighter as part of a bet. On the upside, he probably won't be bugging me for sex for a while. On the downside, I'm married to a moron. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 297

You deserved it 5 622

Slippy!

By mud - 29/11/2019 05:00

Today, I was on my way to class and it was muddy outside, so I slipped and it looks like I shit myself. I'm wearing white pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 823

You deserved it 576

21/12/2012 14:22

Today, I started my first day of work at our local humane society. I asked where the break room was, so my coworker directed me to a small room in the back of the building. The only place I get to take my lunch break is the same room where they euthanize, freeze and cremate the animals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 865

You deserved it 7 892

30/03/2012 05:10

Today, I was so excited to hear my phone get a message that I jumped out of my seat. It was the TV, advertising texting plans. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 352

You deserved it 5 107

11/05/2009 19:46

Today, it's the five year anniversary of my father's death. I was cuddling with my boyfriend and crying about how much I missed him. He replied with, "Sometimes, I think you just like to hear yourself talk." FML

I agree, your life sucks 93 229

You deserved it 11 267

03/01/2019 04:00

Today, I'm working a photography gig for a very prominent metal band. The doorman asked me for my I.D, which I happily obliged. I am 27, however I look like I'm still in my mid to late teens. He will not let me in, even with my I.D, and the band that hired me won't answer their phones. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 012

You deserved it 183

21/02/2009 21:43

Today, I got an email from my professor with my grade for a paper. It said, "Solid writing, but you should have proofread your final draft more carefully." In a moment of annoyance, I typed in the reply box, "God should have proofread your FACE more carefully." My elbow hit the send button. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 712

You deserved it 68 293

19/06/2016 20:54

Today, I took my two-year-old out to dinner. During dinner, our son went to the bathroom three times. As we were getting ready to leave he kept saying he had to go potty. He had gone multiple times, so I thought he would be fine. As he stood up, a giant turd fell on the floor in front of everyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 232

You deserved it 6 445

30/06/2009 14:45

Spicy

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend throwing my birth control box at me and shouting that I was a slut for cheating on him since we never had sex. I attempted to explain the birth control was for a condition I have that causes my period to be non-existent. He didn't believe me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 107

You deserved it 7 311

Take the compliment

By Anonymous - 12/08/2020 17:01

Today, I was working in the yard and took off my shirt. My neighbor yelled, "Nice tits!" I'm a dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 212

You deserved it 404

It's called fashion, OK? Look it up.

By Seamstressed - 09/02/2017 20:00

Today, I was sewing a top. Due to a mistake, I had to unstitch the zipper and resew it. When I was almost done, I noticed that the zipper was upside down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 177

You deserved it 1 233

07/08/2012 09:19

Today, I had an upset stomach. I decided to quickly take out the trash before heading to the bathroom. As I opened the trash can lid, a raccoon jumped out. I learned the literal meaning of being scared shitless. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 241

You deserved it 2 698

01/01/2015 00:29

Today, I could not decide what was sadder: the fact that I have to work on New Year's Eve, or that fact that working on New Year's Eve is still the most exciting thing I've ever done for New Year's Eve. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 634

You deserved it 3 258

24/10/2017 01:30

Today, someone broke into my house and stole all of my underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 240

You deserved it 274

01/09/2009 11:44

Today, I was at work. I'm a sign spinner. Lots of other employees shares stories of how they have been flashed by 18 year old hot chicks as they drive by. I got flashed by a 45 year old, 300lbs lady. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 653

You deserved it 5 431

25/03/2014 18:42

Today, the feedback my teacher wrote on my English assignment was so horrible that it took me half an hour and help from both my parents to decipher it. It turned out to be a scathing criticism of my "poor communication skills". I hate my teachers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 677

You deserved it 3 805

25/04/2017 08:00

Today, while using a doorless restroom at the beach, a pack of seagulls rushed into my stall, followed by a group of kids chasing them. I guess the noise from tearing open a pad sounded enough like a bag of chips for them to think there was food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 719

You deserved it 308

27/06/2009 14:29

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. I opened my eyes to see his eyes fixed on something else. I turned my head to see what was so interesting. He was on his iPhone looking up recipes for things to wrap in bacon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 016

You deserved it 7 576

07/05/2009 21:10

Today, I had a phone interview with my potential new boss. I was getting excited about the prospects of landing a great job. I had nailed every question the man asked me and right after he told me he'll call me tomorrow if he wants me to come in I sweetly said, "Talk to you tomorrow, Love you" FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 318

You deserved it 58 245

28/08/2016 06:36

Today, I gave birth to my first born child. Somehow, my mom and mother in law made their way to the delivery room, and walked in mid-push. While they were escorted out, I overheard my mother in law asking the nurse how her son, my husband, was holding up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 448

You deserved it 1 068

18/11/2013 23:47

Today, I'm moving from Arizona to Washington State with my 2 cats in my car. I've only just left and just learned that one cat gets carsick and the other stress farts. Only 956 more miles to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 238

You deserved it 6 357

03/03/2016 23:03

Today, I really had to pee during one of my college lectures. I finally worked up the nerve to leave the room while he was lecturing, and ran frantically to the bathroom. Once in there, the urge intensified to the point I couldn't hold it. I peed my pants while standing in the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 935

You deserved it 4 674

13/07/2016 19:40

Today, the guy I was dating told me he thought I was a good person. His reasoning? I'm not ugly enough to be a bad person, but I'm not pretty enough, either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 591

You deserved it 859

08/07/2012 03:16

Today, a homeless man started to wet himself in the recliner at the coffee shop where I work. He then walked all the way to the bathroom, only to finish urinating in a puddle right in front of the bathroom door. Guess who cleaned it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 336

You deserved it 1 856

30/07/2010 20:00

Today, while at the restaurant I work at, a bunch of kids came in. They all gave incredibly complex orders, laughed at everything I did, and made a huge mess by "spilling" hot sauce and water all over the floor. After they left, I was tipped eleven cents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 222

You deserved it 3 530

09/07/2012 00:30

Today, my wife is giving birth to our first born. I am an officer stationed overseas. Apparently, I am not only missing the birth, but I also missed the conception. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 788

You deserved it 2 910

18/05/2011 04:38

Today, I went to the doctor for a sore throat. The doctor wasn't wearing any shoes. He said that he doesn't believe in pharmaceuticals and that it's 'all about vitamins', and he gave me a flyer for a vitamin mail order company. Then he showed me photos of his holidays. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 702

You deserved it 4 345

18/10/2013 14:29

Today, we had a safety meeting at my warehouse job. They had an entire power point based around their message, "Stop getting hurt; it costs the company too much money." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 381

You deserved it 4 204

Risky business

By Sam - 07/05/2021 02:01

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend had one of her seizures during foreplay. She’s fine, but I’m not, she had my penis in her hand and while seizing she squeezed it so hard she ruptured some blood vessels on the inside. I'm now walking bowlegged and on medication to stop me getting erections that might cause more damage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 938

You deserved it 106

19/09/2015 05:45

Today, I was confiding in my grandma about how lonely I am and how everything in my life seems to be falling apart. While I was in mid-sentence, she rolled her eyes and made a show of removing her hearing aid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 803

You deserved it 3 205

Most good songs are

By Cicie - 27/01/2017 03:06

Today, I discovered that one of my favourite, relatable sad songs is actually a song about gay sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 597

You deserved it 1 883

28/07/2019 12:00

Today, I was with my dad at the supermarket and this guy was checking me out. My dad yells at him with a grin, "I know! I make beautiful babies!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 789

You deserved it 221

Neuter your pets

By Anonymous - 18/01/2021 20:01

Today, our cat is in heat. Her male counterpart is sitting outside my bedroom door, serenading her loudly, and has sprayed his piss all over the house, making sure she cannot escape him broadcasting his availability. FML

I agree, your life sucks 383

You deserved it 1 077

26/08/2019 12:01

Today, in a crowded hallway, I saw the guy I fancy standing in front of me, with his arms open wide. Thinking he wanted to hug me, I wrapped my arms around him and stepped back. He looked at me like I was nuts. I then realised he was trying to hug the girl next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 550

You deserved it 560

26/03/2016 19:26

Today, my boss/husband fired me from my job because I didn't sleep with him last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 207

You deserved it 3 572

You're so vain, you probably think this FML is about you

By Anonymous - 02/07/2020 20:06

Today, my daughter is so selfish, she did her makeup in her hospital room so she could take a selfie with her newborn son in the background BEFORE she had even held him for the first time. Yes, BEFORE. My grandson spent his first hour of life waiting for his mom to be ready for a photo op. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 329

You deserved it 290

26/02/2012 05:16

Today, I was babysitting. Everything was going well until the kid called 911 on me for making him eat his vegetables. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 989

You deserved it 3 291

09/05/2009 04:18

Today, I thought it would be funny if I put a 'Free if Hot-Wired' sign on my friend's car. I guess it worked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 780

You deserved it 84 269

What's up, doc?

By Anonymous - 07/04/2018 05:00

Spicy

Today, I went to the doctor because of the redness and swelling of my penis, hoping that it was just a minor rash or allergic reaction. Nope! According to the doctor, who could barely stop herself from laughing, it's good old-fashioned friction burns. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 962

You deserved it 1 920

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Saturday 26 July 2014 19:29

This is why passwords were invented.

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Saturday 26 July 2014 19:30

Teach the little brat a lesson.

Comments

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Saturday 26 July 2014 19:29

This is why passwords were invented.

StormfrontX33_fml 24

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Saturday 26 July 2014 19:34

Makes me rethink Touch ID. I wonder how many "curious" and "vindictive" people figured out that your thumbprint can be used when you're asleep.

gpg5 18

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Saturday 26 July 2014 19:37

I disable it while I sleep.

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Saturday 26 July 2014 19:38

I'd be utterly creeped out if I woke up to someone holding my thumb. Also they'd be utterly creeped out when they saw my face. >:)

swaggyswagswag 17

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Saturday 26 July 2014 19:56

No one would normally think of that unless they were desperate and just plain weird though... I'm a light sleeper though so even if someone tried to do that to my phone if automatically wake up lol

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Saturday 26 July 2014 23:55

Not all cell phones have an option for passwords/passcodes. My cell doesn't have that.

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Sunday 27 July 2014 1:37

yes they do 42 look harder

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Sunday 27 July 2014 1:57

#47 I have an old fashioned TracFone. Mine does not include the option to have a passcode. It only has a lock screen in which you hold down one button to use it.

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Sunday 27 July 2014 3:03

#10 this is why Samsung is developing retina recognition technology

incoherentrmblr 21

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Sunday 27 July 2014 4:36

#48, the phone might not have a lock, but the SIM card might, if your phone has a SIM card.

ShyVi 18

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Sunday 27 July 2014 4:49

#47 most do, but not all.

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Sunday 27 July 2014 5:32

#51 Mine doesn't have a SIM card. Would be nice if it did, though. Don't want any nosey people getting into my stuff.

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Sunday 27 July 2014 6:14

Agree that codes are good for keeping bratty siblings out, but keep in mind that you don't need the code to pick up an incoming call. If it was OPs bf who called and her sister just answered the phone and pretended to be her, the result's the same, passcode or not.

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Sunday 27 July 2014 21:44

@49 are you stupid or just using the wrong terminology? You can't develop something that's already been developed.

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Monday 28 July 2014 18:41

A photo of your thumb can be used to unlock the iPhone 5S. The whole thing is broken

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Saturday 2 August 2014 6:45

maybe they arent allowed to have a password like me

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Wednesday 13 August 2014 12:30

i feel sorry 4 you, hope they do. fyl

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Saturday 26 July 2014 19:30

Teach the little brat a lesson.

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Saturday 26 July 2014 21:51

or just change your password

ChristianH39 30

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Saturday 26 July 2014 22:22

Why not both?

Andicc 19

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Sunday 27 July 2014 3:19

*Mexican music starts playing*

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Sunday 27 July 2014 6:29

Some calculus could scare her good

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Sunday 27 July 2014 7:52

#62 and if the calculus doesn't work just throw the text book at her

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Saturday 26 July 2014 19:30

Time for a long chat and a new lock code

mclovin22897 15

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Saturday 26 July 2014 19:30

I think we need a follow up as to why she did this.

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Saturday 26 July 2014 19:32

Good thing she only 'tried', OP!

xXxJaGsTeRxXx 11

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Saturday 26 July 2014 19:33

First your phone. Next your bf. watch your back OP.

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Saturday 26 July 2014 19:33

I hope your bf is smart enough to tell that it wasn't you

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Saturday 26 July 2014 19:33

I hope your boyfriend understood this, OP, and you're still good. But this leads to suspicion. Why did she want you guys to break up so badly?

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Saturday 26 July 2014 23:53

That's what I wonder, too. If she did it to be a jealous bitch, you should really be careful trusting her and never let her use your things.

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Saturday 26 July 2014 19:33

Break up with your sister.

False_Stupidity 41

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Sunday 27 July 2014 1:23

Yeah, dump that bitch!

ShyVi 18

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Sunday 27 July 2014 4:52

Well that was an unexpected comment to see.

Warmonger_Smurf 29

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Saturday 26 July 2014 19:35

Time to shave her head when she sleeps.

ballerinaaub 17

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Monday 28 July 2014 5:28

Or put some Nair in her shampoo. That won't wake her up!

xxrogerthatxx 19

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Tuesday 29 July 2014 14:32

I think that's a little extreme