Intimacy: Today, I found out my ex boyfriend is still obsessed with me.... - FML

By Seriously? - 06/01/2014 07:17

Today, I found out my ex boyfriend is still obsessed with me. Apparently he named his dog after me and talks to her like she's a real person. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 542

You deserved it 6 512

You tried

Dementia or hate? You decide

Love costs a fortune

By Unteachable - 08/02/2017 06:00 - United States

Today, as a high school English teacher, I had to read submissions for a writing contest. The entries were filled with words like "irregardless", "could of", "acrost", and "ain't". These papers were supposedly written by the best students in the school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 210

You deserved it 780

By anonymous - 30/01/2013 10:13 - United States - Richardson

Today, I learned it's a bad idea to text and smoke while drunk, because there is an increased risk of throwing your phone off the balcony and sticking your cigarette into your pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 490

You deserved it 60 116

By mike - 11/03/2011 18:34 - United States

Today, I set up a mouse trap to kill the rodent plaguing my kitchen. While lying in bed, I heard an unmistakable snap, and ran to see what I'd caught. The mouse trap was missing. I now have a large, angry, and possibly dying animal running around my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 471

You deserved it 7 122

Anger issues

By Hannah - 25/10/2021 11:00

Today, without context, I overheard my daughter saying that she would “literally rather have mercury poisoning than have her mother yell at her one more time.” She’s 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks 352

You deserved it 826

By ldn - 21/03/2013 17:54 - Slovenia - Domzale

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend confided in me that she wanted to try bondage. Since I trust her, I said sure. After I was tied to the bed, she tickled me until I pissed myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 539

You deserved it 12 932

By ooops - 04/08/2012 16:06 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I went to have dinner with my girlfriend and her family. It got silent, so, noticing her legs were darker than they were a few hours ago, I wanted to ask her if she used tanning lotion. I ended up asking her if her legs were fake. Her dad has prosthetic legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 576

You deserved it 7 257

By Anonymous - 22/10/2012 03:19 - United States

Today, I got to drop off my boyfriend at his newest place of residence: jail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 171

You deserved it 5 135

By Chris Altenbach - 23/02/2010 20:55 - United States

Today, I got off from work and noticed that the weather finally warmed up after the recent snowstorm. I hopped into my car and rolled down the windows. When I opened the sun roof, a foot of snow came falling into my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 411

You deserved it 45 830

Break up

By natrat222 - 26/11/2019 20:00 - United States - Mesa

Today, I decided to eat a whole tub of blueberries before seeing a guy I've been hooked up with for a year and a half. While giving a blow job, I ended throwing up the blueberries right before he came. He left immediately, deleted me on Snapchat and told me I need to get checked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 574

You deserved it 1 057

By "Sarah-Louise James" - 29/04/2019 12:00

Today, I was told by one of my bridesmaids that she can't afford the travel costs to get to my wedding, after telling me that she didn't need me to organize alternate free travel for her. I'm getting married in less than two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 910

You deserved it 212

By Anonymous - 14/12/2010 04:13 - United States

Today, at my new job, I took some food out to a customer. Walking away, I heard a lady mumble, "Oh my God, you could never pay me enough to wear that." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 488

You deserved it 3 527

Toxic masculinity

By Anonymous - 13/01/2021 09:01 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, it was one of those rare occasions I wore shorts. The first thing my male cousin said was, "Why so sexy?” Misogyny is why I don’t wear shorts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 722

You deserved it 648

By zuzu - 01/05/2019 14:00

Today, as I was making biscuits my mom joked, "Don't burn the house down." I told her "Don't worry, I know how to make biscuits." The oven caught fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 649

You deserved it 598

Fixed

By Anonymous - 11/04/2020 05:00

Today, my husband, who repairs appliances for a living, repaired our dryer. One lot of wet clothes later, it caught fire and ruined the laundry room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 611

You deserved it 113

By RiceCrispyTreats - 01/09/2015 16:46 - United States - Pelham

Today, I left my phone outside on the grass while I went inside to get a drink. I didn't expect my dad to run over it with the lawn mower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 835

You deserved it 28 293

By gingerwhinger - 05/08/2015 23:24 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, an older lady approached me at work and stroked my hair, telling me it was 'beautiful'. This isn't unusual, I'm a natural redhead and octogenarians especially seem to love the colour. However, the unusual part was the glob of snot she left in my hair from her unwashed hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 156

You deserved it 1 721

Groove is in the Heart

By samba_spaz - 19/09/2019 06:01 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was at my usual drum circle. This guy I'd never seen before showed up and started playing an unfamiliar beat. Thinking he was new, I tried to teach him what to play. Turns out he was a professional drummer and was playing an advanced version of the groove I was trying to teach him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 646

You deserved it 2 025

By jalapenos99 - 02/04/2009 00:36 - United States

Today, I was playing in a basketball game and blocked this kid's shot. I was really pumped up about it until I realized the kid had cerebral palsy and the coach put him on the team because he really wanted to be on at least one team in his life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 547

You deserved it 54 765

By argfarblewarblearble - 07/08/2015 13:49 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I was laying on the couch, listening to music. I guess my brother noticed that I was yawning a lot, because when I opened my mouth and yawned again, he dropped one of his rancid toenail clippings into my mouth, then broke into hysterical laughter at my freaking out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 822

You deserved it 2 315

By tryena - 28/02/2009 10:59 - United States

Today, I babysat a five year old girl. She ran up to me, threw her arms around my waist and said, "YUMMY! I'm going to eat you!" with her face in my crotch. I said sarcastically under my breath, "Finally, some action!" I turned around to find her dad staring at me, having heard. He's my cousin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 260

You deserved it 92 511

By JuicyJohn - 09/09/2009 01:33 - United States

Today, I realized that the shorts I have been wearing all day say "Juicy" on the ass. My name is John. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 352

You deserved it 53 602

By BossesLittleBrat - 25/09/2016 12:47 - United States - Jamestown

Today, my brat of a coworker tried to convince our boss that I should get paid half of what I'm making because I broke my right arm. I'm left handed, broke it on the job, and still doing a better job than her. She makes double what I do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 756

You deserved it 837

By amy - 20/07/2019 02:09

Today, I had a dream about sleeping, which is a dream I have frequently. I’m exhausted even when I sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 490

You deserved it 121

By Anonymous - 05/12/2015 05:44 - United States

Spicy

Today, after about a year of keeping it a secret from my girlfriend, I told her about my foot fetish. She said "EWWWWWWWW!" and left. She's ignoring my calls and has changed her relationship status to single on Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 421

You deserved it 6 495

Get off my lawn!

By Anonymous - 29/08/2020 14:09

Today, the police came to my house and arrested me. Why? The neighborhood kids thought it would be fun to hide behind my house and shoot at people with paintball guns. People saw it coming from my house and called the police. I was fired from work, due to missing it without notice. No excuses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 964

You deserved it 86

Alexa, play "What difference does it make?" by The Smiths

By tarah - 10/03/2021 21:30

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after finding out my parents are divorced. Same reason my last three girlfriends broke up with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 114

You deserved it 101

By snitchovich - 27/05/2009 16:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I was sitting in a bar next to this gorgeous guy who kept eyeing me up and after about 30 minutes he finally leaned in to whisper something in my ear. What he said? "If I were you, I would get a push-up bra." FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 749

You deserved it 6 025

Better out than in

By Anonymous - 20/05/2020 02:00

Today, I had the most excruciating pain I've ever felt in my lower right abdomen. I was doubled over and vomiting it hurt so bad. After going to the E.R., thinking it was my appendix and getting checked in, I let out the biggest most rancid fart in my life and the pain immediately went away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 813

You deserved it 355

Bye then!

By B.. - 01/09/2020 23:00

Today, my girlfriend, after 9 months of coffee shop dates and sharing bottles of wine, relaxing, expressing our love for each other, decided it was time to end our relationship by telling me that she actually wasn't happy, and had her and all of her friends and family block me on every social media. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 676

You deserved it 186

So much in common

By Anonymous - 10/07/2021 20:01 - New Zealand

Today, my old high school mates organised a dinner hangout so that my recent ex, who is part of our group, could introducing her new boyfriend to us. I was late and the only remaining seat available was next to the new boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 779

You deserved it 237

By retainer - 22/07/2009 22:36 - United States

Today, at the dentist, the new, rather airy assistant went to prep me for an extraction. She began pulling on something in my mouth, and a moment later, I felt intense pain and then the wetness of blood. She was trying to pull out "that weird wire thing". In other words, my permanent retainer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 158

You deserved it 2 801

By fmlmylife - 11/03/2009 05:04 - United States

Today, I was walking to school and decided to be a good citizen by picking up a beer can on the sidewalk. I then walked on to my school's campus where I then got suspended by my dean for "trying to rebel", grounded by my parents for getting suspended, and an MIP from the school's police guard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 571

You deserved it 9 216

By Disgruntled ADP - 26/10/2018 08:30 - United States - Dallas

Today, we moved desks for the umpteenth time, and my supervisor stuffed me in a corner by the door with no one around to talk to. The worst thing is I hear the badge reader beep every few seconds. It's already driving me crazy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 277

You deserved it 184

Lookin' good

By Sleeping Beauty - 19/12/2015 19:20 - United States - Jamestown

Today, I took a nap on the couch. Apparently, my wife decided to put makeup all over my face as I slept. She didn't tell me until after I went to the gas station to grab some beer. Looks like I will have to find a new place to buy beer from now on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 997

You deserved it 3 757

By Dying Son - 05/04/2019 12:00

Today, as I was sitting on a bench thinking about an upcoming test, some hysterical woman slapped me out of nowhere because she thought I was staring at her ass. I was staring blankly into the void. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 985

You deserved it 170

By NeedANewWindshield - 24/08/2019 14:00

Today, some unprovoked drunk asshole tried punching a hole through the windshield of my car. While I was driving it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 539

You deserved it 84

By jazzie7719 - 28/09/2014 19:26 - United States - Arlington

Today, I went into an exam room to do a check-up on one of my patients. I told the little girl's mother that she needed her flu shots. When the girl heard this, she took an apple out of her pocket and threw it at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 945

You deserved it 4 305

By Aaron - 14/05/2009 21:23 - United States

Today, I walked to my local McDonald's. I spent the last 7 dollars I had on my meal. As I began to walk back to my dorm, I was mugged. I explained to them I had no money, so they stole my food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 963

You deserved it 3 712

By Wet dreamer - 17/01/2018 19:00

Today, I slept in my boyfriend's room for the first time. I also wet the bed for the first time in a decade. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 832

You deserved it 743

By AngryBirdman - 22/04/2011 05:53

Today, my girlfriend told me she is only going out with me because I look like the person she really wants to go out with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 183

You deserved it 3 675

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

myusername83 10

Send a private message

Monday 6 January 2014 17:09

Does he kiss the dog like she's you, too?

Send a private message

Monday 6 January 2014 17:10

I once named a Pokemon after an ex girlfriend... Of course it was magikarp denoting how much of a "dead fish" she was in bed.

Comments

Send a private message

Monday 6 January 2014 17:06

maybe he just thinks you're a bitch.

Send a private message

Monday 6 January 2014 17:15

At least when he gives the dog commands it'll obey.

perdix 29

Send a private message

Monday 6 January 2014 17:18

#1, I guess to be a first, the your/you're/yore distinction has to slide. I know you know better :D

perdix 29

Send a private message

Monday 6 January 2014 17:36

#29, thanks, Didi! challan nailed me a couple days ago about my grammar slip-ups, so I just wanted to tease her playfully in return ;)

Send a private message

Monday 6 January 2014 19:38

Perdix, my friend, if my phone has messed with me, I apologize. I don't believe I have ever picked on you at all!!!

ahippienamedrae 10

Send a private message

Monday 6 January 2014 20:16

Aw man I was going to make that joke. ):

Send a private message

Monday 6 January 2014 20:24

Haha #1 has a great point maybe I should get a dog and name her after my cheating ex :p

perdix 29

Send a private message

Monday 6 January 2014 20:49

#51, it was the one where the boyfriend dumped the OP with the mother giving him tips. I screwed up at least twice in my comment, and you pointed that out. Don't worry, I know with you it is all in good fun (as is my "picking" on you) ;)

Send a private message

Tuesday 7 January 2014 0:29

you even remember which one?! I'm going to need to write a stalking fml about you...

Send a private message

Tuesday 7 January 2014 6:26

Naming the dog after you, that's weird, but talking to the dog like it is an actual person isn't that bad... I do it all the time. The good part is he can't tell me to shut up. :)

anonymous_kenie 7

Send a private message

Monday 6 January 2014 17:07

Hey, you're admired

anonymous_kenie 7

Send a private message

Monday 6 January 2014 17:10

Fuck you

Send a private message

Monday 6 January 2014 17:16

Really number 6?? I think that was a little uncalled for.

myusername83 10

Send a private message

Monday 6 January 2014 17:09

Does he kiss the dog like she's you, too?

Send a private message

Monday 6 January 2014 20:00

I really hope they don't do more than that..

Send a private message

Monday 6 January 2014 20:03

oh god. tmi...

ZY1431 24

Send a private message

Monday 6 January 2014 17:09

well thats a bit much.

perdix 29

Send a private message

Monday 6 January 2014 17:10

Or he talked to you like you were a dog?

perdix 29

Send a private message

Monday 6 January 2014 17:20

Come to think of it, I talk very sweetly to my dog. If I talked to women that way, I'd probably get licked and humped a lot more :)

murdersquirrel 15

Send a private message

Monday 6 January 2014 19:45

my first thought was "but I talk to my cat like she's a real person, why is that weird?"

Send a private message

Monday 6 January 2014 17:10

Hopefully he won't start stalking you.

Send a private message

Monday 6 January 2014 18:42

What's wrong with stalking someone?

Send a private message

Monday 6 January 2014 19:50

I think it sounds so creepy already, wouldn't be surprised if he did.

Send a private message

Monday 6 January 2014 17:10

Doggy style?

Send a private message

Monday 6 January 2014 17:36

Since the romantic aspect failed, the poor lad's trying to get a best friend out of the situation...

Send a private message

Monday 6 January 2014 19:45

bestiality jokes... haha

Send a private message

Tuesday 7 January 2014 0:15

Aren't dogs supposed to be man's best friend? Dirty minded people... Lol

Send a private message

Monday 6 January 2014 17:10

I once named a Pokemon after an ex girlfriend... Of course it was magikarp denoting how much of a "dead fish" she was in bed.

Nohman 14

Send a private message

Monday 6 January 2014 17:18

That's a little Farfetch'd.

Send a private message

Monday 6 January 2014 18:51

Kinda fails when the stupid things evolve though!

Send a private message

Monday 6 January 2014 19:10

So she seemed nice and harmless at first, and then she transformed into a terrifying monster?

Send a private message

Monday 6 January 2014 19:23

lol

Send a private message

Monday 6 January 2014 21:48

I named my Ditto after my girlfriend after I found out that she had been sleeping with everyone. :(

Send a private message

Monday 6 January 2014 22:44

#11 Maybe you just didn't know how to bring her to life?

Send a private message

Monday 13 January 2014 18:38

44 That sounds like me xD

Derp_Jerpinson 2

Send a private message

Sunday 14 February 2016 4:43

Well tbh #10 even if shes a dead magikarp in bed, ALL women know the splash attack....the trick is getting them to use it in battle lol

Send a private message

Monday 6 January 2014 17:11

I don't want to jinx it, but unless he does it already, stalking will get on that list of odd behaviour. Be prepared OP.

Send a private message

Monday 6 January 2014 17:13

welcome to the bitch-zone

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23

You deserved it 16

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62

You deserved it 17

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 248

You deserved it 73

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 133

You deserved it 2 523