Today, I found out just how much of a psychotically insecure...

By small dick energy

Today, I found out just how much of a psychotically insecure nitwit my boyfriend is. He flew into a screaming rage that I was only adding cucumbers to my water and my meals lately to insinuate that he has a small penis. Yeah, I’m confused too. FML

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And today, on Dr Phil…

Taking stock

The smell detective is on the case

By Anonymous

Today, my dog ate so much toilet paper that she can probably wipe herself from the inside out. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Bad Windsheim

Today, I went to the supermarket to get some Easter gifts for my kids. At the register, I was verbally abused to the point of tears by the cashier, for having way too many items for the 12 items or less lane. I had 13. FML

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By goingup? - United States

Today, I was in an elevator with my girlfriend when it stuck mid-floor. Being supportive, I went to hug her and tell her we'll be OK. Today I also learned that my girlfriend is deathly claustrophobic and her predominant reaction is to vomit. In this case, all over me. We were stuck for 2 hours. FML

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By JSeth - Canada

Today, my mom found a book of dirty stories I'd written in grade 10. She then told me that I wrote about things she'd never even thought about, and she's been having sex for years. If that wasn't bad enough, she's taken them in to work to show people. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I decided to get back into shape. I went for a jog around my neighborhood. The ice cream truck followed me for my whole jog, mocking me. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to take a short cut driving through the snow. I skidded to avoid an oncoming car and ended up in someone's garden, inches from their brand new extension. The house belonged to a police officer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw my crush at the grocery store. He saw me and started walking towards me. I got so excited that I farted when he came near. FML

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By new name - United States - Storrs Mansfield

Today, I told my family that I wanted to change my last name to my future wife's. We want to have the same last name, and we chose hers because she is an only child, while I have three brothers. Half of my family is laughing and calling me "pussy whipped" while the other half won't speak to me. FML

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By student101 - United States - Sun Prairie

Today, I got a history project back that I worked very hard on. The teacher didn't bother to write any feedback, besides, "Did you even understand the assignment?" on the back. FML

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By Machine - Japan

Today, I asked to borrow my fat friend's pants for a semi-formal activity tomorrow. I figured I'd just get a belt to hold the pants up. Turns out, the pants fit me. FML

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By tastetherainbow - United States - Katy

Today, I was asked to help my sister clean her room. The moment I opened the door, I was greeted by her screaming "TASTE THE RAINBOW" with a full mouth. She then spat the skittles into my face. FML

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By Anonymous

Venus in Furs

Today, my boyfriend asked my dad why he gave me the nickname "Bear," which he has called me since I was very little. My dad responded, "Because she has a hairy back." FML

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By iluvcoconutrough - New Zealand

Today, at school I was sitting with a friend outside, talking about irregular periods and unshaven legs. Ten minutes into the conversation, a teacher sticks her head out the window above us and tells us to leave. We were distracting a classroom who were trying to finish a test. FML

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By mainche - France

Today, in the forest, I hit my foot against a half-buried metal thing. I dug into the ground, and found a beautiful box, heavy enough to not be empty. I imagined myself with gold coins. Inside was the corpse of a cat. FML

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By TheStudentNurse

Today, I got bitten at work. Not by a patient's mouth, but by the false teeth they were holding in their hand as they clamped down on my arm. FML

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By go fuck myself - United States - Tampa

Today, I can't decide what's worse: the fact that my mother found my vibrator or that, as a prank, she replaced it with a realistic tarantula replica. She won't tell me where it is. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I lost my virginity. Not only did my parents somehow find out, they posted about it on Facebook. FML

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By AliKate

Today, my father has finally started to focus on his health to reduce his weight and cholesterol. He has also decided that I'll do it with him. Now, he won't let me eat unless he's there to watch me. He leaves at 7 a.m. and doesn't come home until 9. FML

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By ouch - United States

Today, I was lying in bed with the worst stomach cramps ever. My boyfriend came, looked at me writhing in pain, and said, "Well at least if it's a tapeworm you'll get skinnier." FML

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By WillaminaL - Canada

Today, while over at a friend's house, I saw a framed picture of a young African boy on her fridge. I asked, "Oh, is this one of those kids you adopt from third world countries? My grandma does that too." She responded, "What do you mean? That's my cousin." FML

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By holy - United Kingdom

Today, I told my brother to piss off. He decided to do exactly that, from the balcony onto my lap. FML

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By afraidtoburn - Canada

Today, I discovered that during fire drills, my school lines everyone up next to some extremely flammable and explosive propane tanks. If we ever have a real fire, we will all die. FML

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By aqua88 - Malaysia

Today, I found out that our water tank has had a dead crow rotting in it for days. I took showers and brushed my teeth with dead crow soup. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my mother told me she wanted me to get an exorcism. Yes, she was serious. I'm Jewish. FML

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By Romantic - United States

Today, I came home from a long day at work to find a path of rose pedals from the front door. Gasping with surprise, I followed it past the living room... past the bedroom... into the kitchen, where there was a note that said "Friends coming over tonight, we need food, love you!" FML

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By 0867142 - Canada

Today, I found out that I spent a year helping my dad get back into shape, not for his own good health which was what I thought, but so that he could cheat on my mom with 5 other women. FML

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By cat lady - Norway - Egersund

Today, I learned that while other people drunk call their exes, I drunk adopt cats. Seven cats, to be exact. FML

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By wishihadpockets - United States

Today, I had my cigs tucked into my waistband because my shorts didn't have pockets. A friend walks up and asks for a smoke. I say "I've got something you can smoke right here", tugging at my shorts. The "friend" then kicks me in the nuts for being a douche. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I think my friends were trying to tell me something with all my Christmas gifts being mostly perfume, deodorant, and soap. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were lying in bed together, and I was in a snuggly mood. I rolled over to gaze lovingly into his eyes and whisper sweet nothings to him in the darkness. His response? "Dear God! Did somebody fart in your mouth?!" FML

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By romancocks - United States - Palatka

Today, some girl in the street mistook me for Richard Simmons. FML

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By Coach - United States

Today, I was woken up from a phone call from my boss. He asked if I had been asleep. I told him I wasn't, that I was in my car on the way to work. Then my alarm went off. FML

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By embarrassed - United Kingdom

Question Time

Today, whilst at my boyfriend's family get together, his cousin got really drunk and decided to ask my boyfriend when he was planning on proposing to me, loud enough for everyone to hear. An awkward silence was followed by my boyfriend's mother, who clearly said "hopefully never." FML

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By uglywoman - Australia

Today, my six year old told me I have a big nose. When I told her that she hurt my feelings, she laughed and said "Don't be silly mummy, ugly people don't have feelings." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Barnhart

Today, I woke up screaming like a little bitch. I'd been having a bizarre dream where I was having sex with Homer Simpson, when he suddenly had a heart attack and fell on me, crushing me to death. I think my brain needs a douching. FML

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By AdamFoundHisEve - France

Today, I had a dream about toasting with champagne. Whilst asleep, I extended my hand to toast, then brought my hand to my mouth to "drink the bubbly." I knocked over the glass of water I keep on my bedside table. My iPhone is now ruined, and in shock of my wet arm, I jerked backward headbutting my wife's face. FML

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29615

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By Anonymous - United States - Cleveland

Today, at the supermarket, a man collapsed. I gave CPR while the cashier called for help. During this, the other patrons were complaining that no other register was open. Once the ambulance arrived, I returned to my cart to find items removed and 40 dollars taken from my purse. FML

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By Joshtodon

All in a day's work!

Today, I was unloading tile boxes out of my pickup truck into this lady's garage. As I grabbed the last 50-pound box, a passing bird shat on my forehead. Green ooze ran down my whole face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2729

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By Biologyfacepalm - United States

Today, my students presented their projects on genetics to the rest of the class. One student told the class that salted and unsalted peanuts were an example of genetic variation. She was serious. FML

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By troubled - France

Today, I got l disconnect notices for both my water and my electric. After looking over my budget, I realized that I can only pay for one until next month. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 30

#7799128 - Thursday 2 May 2019 4:16

It might help if you didn’t circumcise the cucumbers before swallowing them whole.

By purplekanc | 17

#7799146 - Thursday 2 May 2019 6:47

I had a boyfriend like that once.. I left him. I couldn’t deal with his insecurities especially since he didn’t want to get professional help. He was too toxic

COMMENTS

By Steo420 | 6

#7799127 - Thursday 2 May 2019 4:04

time to go find a big dick lol

By RichardPencil | 30

#7799128 - Thursday 2 May 2019 4:16

It might help if you didn’t circumcise the cucumbers before swallowing them whole.

Iamthebanzai22 | 18

#7799131 - Thursday 2 May 2019 4:26

Hahahaha!!!

By aangel94 | 9

#7799129 - Thursday 2 May 2019 4:19

This is definitely Little dick attitude

By Sinshine | 27

#7799133 - Thursday 2 May 2019 4:30

Now start adding pickles instead.

Charlie Given | 23

#7799134 - Thursday 2 May 2019 4:43

But make sure they're gherkins pickles 😂🤣

By Sonotsuave | 33

#7799135 - Thursday 2 May 2019 5:12

Ditch the huge dick and go find a huge dick

RichardPencil | 30

#7799357 - Thursday 2 May 2019 16:57

Or an ordinary-sized dick attached to a guy who knows how to use it, because that’s just as good, right?

Right?

By purplekanc | 17

#7799146 - Thursday 2 May 2019 6:47

I had a boyfriend like that once.. I left him. I couldn’t deal with his insecurities especially since he didn’t want to get professional help. He was too toxic

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7799160 - Thursday 2 May 2019 7:07

OP, better hold off on that hot dog & bratwurst grill-out this weekend!

By ViviMage | 38

#7799164 - Thursday 2 May 2019 7:45

Maybe it's time to buy squat, short, and thick cucumbers?

By abfab5300 | 13

#7799169 - Thursday 2 May 2019 8:04

You need to get out of there ASAP. This will only escalate.

By ojosRojos | 28

#7799183 - Thursday 2 May 2019 9:04

Your username XD