Today, I found out just how much of a psychotically insecure...

By small dick energy

Today, I found out just how much of a psychotically insecure nitwit my boyfriend is. He flew into a screaming rage that I was only adding cucumbers to my water and my meals lately to insinuate that he has a small penis. Yeah, I’m confused too. FML

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Coherence dude, do you have it?

Social distancing done right

Laundry drama

By CARnage - Australia

Today, I hadn't been out in two weeks, and I was looking forward to going to the beach with my friends. Instead, I rear-ended someone at a roundabout and had to go home. FML

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By loser - United States

Today, while in class, a cute boy came up and asked me for my number. I giggled and wrote my phone number on a piece of paper and told him to call me sometime. He gave me a weird look and walked away. He was asking which number math problem I needed help with. FML

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By futuregigolo - United States - Strasburg

Today, I went to the local used books store to sell all my college textbooks. I spent several hundred dollars on them in total. I ended up walking out of the shop a pathetic $3.50 richer. FML

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By Anonymous - Switzerland

Today, the cat climbed up to the spice shelf while I was cooking. As I looked up and told him to leave, he tipped over a chili container which coated my face with chili powder. The bloody pain in my eyes then made me knock over a pot of boiling water. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Phoenix

Today, I was waiting in line for what seemed like forever at the only open lane at the grocery store. The guy in front of me took his sweet time and had multiple cards rejected, before finally pulling out a $100 bill and demanding exact change. He was buying a carton of milk. FML

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By DAMMit - Australia

Today, I decided I was going to dump my needy girlfriend. I was about to break the news when she stopped me. She showed me her new tattoo she had gotten. Our names, surrounded by a love heart spread across her back. She reckons I should get a matching one. FML

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By N - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I asked my dad why there were no photos of me on the wall. He replied, "Every time you disappoint us we burn one." FML

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By titkip - Kenya - Nairobi

Today, I got a text from a call girl. She asked me to delete her number because I am too demanding. FML

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By essay2 - United States

Today, I found out that the double spacing format in an essay refers to the space between each line, not the words. I've been pressing the space bar twice between each word all through high school and halfway through college. FML

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By Mills - United States

Today, my estranged, alcoholic father decided to tell me I have a sister. After 30 mins of him describing how beautiful she is and how much we look alike and how she has lived one town away from me her entire life, I was excited to the point of tears. Too bad she died a year ago. Thanks dad. FML

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By Alexismaria - United States

Today, I walked into the kitchen at the exact moment my uncle decided to bend over in short shorts. Apparently, his ballsack decided it needed extra room, because it dangled out of his pant leg. FML

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By Anonymous - Virgin Islands British

Today, I saw a picture of my creepy uncle and me on Facebook, which he had captioned "me and my woman," and posted several lewd comments on. I guess he forgot I'm his friend on Facebook. FML

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By roomatewoes - United States - Northfield

Today, I came back to my dorm to find my roommate forgot to get rid of her massive amounts of cheese before break. She did, however, remember to unplug the refrigerator. FML

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By SonOfaSpy - United States

Today, we found out why we were getting notes on our door telling us to "move out or else." As my mom works for the government and we have a direct-TV dish on our roof, our neighbor thinks we were sent to listen to his phone calls and read his mind. We were here before he was. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Observation

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. Right as I was really getting into it, he pauses, frowns, and says, "I think I see the pee hole." FML

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By SadBride - United States

Today, my in-laws decided they were going to stay an extra week during our vacation to Dominican Republic next year. This would be fine, if we weren't travelling for our destination wedding, and the extra week wasn't our honeymoon. They are literally joining us on our honeymoon. FML

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By mindlost - United States

Today, I had an argument over whether or not I should buy some flowers. With myself. Out loud. FML

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By princev - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to jump in the pool while holding my cat. I am currently in the hospital due to the severe cuts on my face and throat. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, after ranting to my best friend about how all our friends are having kids and how teenage pregnancy will ruin their lives, she announced to me that she's pregnant. FML

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By altocrm - France

Today, my girlfriend came over to me, like she was going to kiss me, and instead rubbed her chin all over my face, exclaiming, "Can you feel my beard coming in?" Yes, yes I could. FML

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By silverscrescent - 22/8/2020 01:02 - United Kingdom - Poole

Can't take my eyes off you

Today, I was babysitting my 8-year-old niece. I left her for 10 minutes so I could take a shower, only to walk in on her with her dress rolled up, peeing on the floor. FML

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By raynbowsend - Malaysia

Today, I had an appraisal meeting with the Boss. She raved and gushed and told me what a great job I was doing. Then she said "Well done, Eric". Eric is not my name. She froze, opened a new file and told me my actual appraisal, which was the complete opposite of everything she had just said. FML

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By Ese

Today, my sister took me out shopping for my birthday and had been drinking a Monster the whole day. Halfway back home, I took a sip of it and she screamed, but it was too late. I had drunk the phlegm that she spat into the can earlier. FML

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By leeceetaylor99 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend and my best friend making out. She claimed he was just tasting her lipstick. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Waxhaw

Today, my son became convinced that his father cheated and we put the fertilized egg inside me to cover the whole thing up. He won't stop calling me "host mother". FML

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By FullMonty - United States - Milwaukee

Today, my 2-year-old sister walked in on me while I was showering. She began to splash around in the toilet, and as I hastily jumped out to stop her, my brother and his friend got a good look as they walked past the room. FML

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By Late marriage - Australia

Today, my husband was 45 minutes late to our wedding reception. Later, when I asked him why, he said, "I was playing Legend of Zelda and had to finish my quest." He thinks this is an eligible excuse. FML

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By skinnyguy23 - United States - Briarcliff Manor

Today, I received a package. When my mom asked what I had bought, I had told her that I had ordered dumbbells and was going to start lifting. She laughed her way into the kitchen. FML

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By Casdmo

Today, the person who is supposed to train me at my new job left the country for a week due to a family emergency. I can't start until they return. This pushes my first paycheck back a pay period, two weeks later than expected. I'm already broke. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, we were at church when I pulled my toddler’s hand out of his pants and he screamed "I WAS MAKING MY PENIS BIG!" I need a new church. FML

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By tony1401 - United States

Today, I got another email from Amazon asking me how I like my new Kindle. I don't have a Kindle. It's the one I bought my ex for Christmas, right before she left me while I was deployed overseas. FML

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By notgoodwitholdpeople - Singapore - Singapore

Today, an old lady fell in the street, and I rushed to help her. As I tried to help her to her feet, she started screaming, "She pushed me! She pushed me!" I froze up in shock, and ended up being chased by some guy who thought I'd attacked her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had sex with a Juggalo. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my 8 year old nephew to Laser Tag for his birthday party. I reluctantly was forced into playing one game. Apparently, no one explained the rules to one child and instead of 'shooting' me with his laser pointer, he kicked me straight in the balls. FML

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By straightlyconfused - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my car broke down and had to be towed to the dealership. Normally, this would be just unlucky but I work with kids and we had been fundraising for charity. I am now sitting at the dealership with my hair coloured purple, red and blue and in ridiculously high pigtails while people stare. FML

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By Pang

Today was the last my last day of high school ever, to celebrate me and my friends were going to go into the city and hang out for a bit. I missed the bus they caught into the city so I caught the next one, when I got there I asked where they were. They didn't respond. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Goodyear

Today, I used the restroom at a mall. I thought I was alone, so I started singing. When I got out of the stall, there were men staring at me. Not only did I embarrass myself with my own singing, I'd accidentally used the men's restroom too. FML

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By ClumsyBarista - United States - Springfield

Today, while serving a line of ten customers by myself at the coffee shop I work at, I knocked over a cup of steaming hot milk and it went all over the coffee bar, espresso machine, floor, and myself. I then had to act like everything was fine and make a line of drinks with milk everywhere. FML

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By ET - United States

Today, my wife is totally convinced that she was abducted by aliens last night, all because she fell out of bed. FML

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By jesushelpme - United States - Nixa

Today, I came home to find an almost completely devoured cheesecake, The Notebook playing on the TV, and a shoe thrown at my head. It's safe to say my girlfriend is just about on her period. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7799128 - Thursday 2 May 2019 4:16

It might help if you didn’t circumcise the cucumbers before swallowing them whole.

By purplekanc | 17

#7799146 - Thursday 2 May 2019 6:47

I had a boyfriend like that once.. I left him. I couldn’t deal with his insecurities especially since he didn’t want to get professional help. He was too toxic

COMMENTS

By Steo420 | 6

#7799127 - Thursday 2 May 2019 4:04

time to go find a big dick lol

By RichardPencil | 28

#7799128 - Thursday 2 May 2019 4:16

It might help if you didn’t circumcise the cucumbers before swallowing them whole.

Iamthebanzai22 | 18

#7799131 - Thursday 2 May 2019 4:26

Hahahaha!!!

By aangel94 | 9

#7799129 - Thursday 2 May 2019 4:19

This is definitely Little dick attitude

By Sinshine | 27

#7799133 - Thursday 2 May 2019 4:30

Now start adding pickles instead.

Charlie Given | 23

#7799134 - Thursday 2 May 2019 4:43

But make sure they're gherkins pickles 😂🤣

By Sonotsuave | 33

#7799135 - Thursday 2 May 2019 5:12

Ditch the huge dick and go find a huge dick

RichardPencil | 28

#7799357 - Thursday 2 May 2019 16:57

Or an ordinary-sized dick attached to a guy who knows how to use it, because that’s just as good, right?

Right?

By purplekanc | 17

#7799146 - Thursday 2 May 2019 6:47

I had a boyfriend like that once.. I left him. I couldn’t deal with his insecurities especially since he didn’t want to get professional help. He was too toxic

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7799160 - Thursday 2 May 2019 7:07

OP, better hold off on that hot dog & bratwurst grill-out this weekend!

By ViviMage | 38

#7799164 - Thursday 2 May 2019 7:45

Maybe it's time to buy squat, short, and thick cucumbers?

By abfab5300 | 13

#7799169 - Thursday 2 May 2019 8:04

You need to get out of there ASAP. This will only escalate.

By ojosRojos | 28

#7799183 - Thursday 2 May 2019 9:04

Your username XD